STEAK NIGHT SPECIAL | Boy Dad #362 ft. WAR MODE, Dustin & Tommy

Summary

Son of a Boy Dad – "Steak Night Special" | Boy Dad #362 ft. WAR MODE, Dustin & Tommy

Date: December 23, 2025
Host: Barstool Sports
Guests: WAR MODE (Billy & Spud), Dustin, Tommy Smokes

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Overview

This "Steak Night Special" marks the show’s inaugural Steak Night dinner, featuring a lively roundtable of hosts and friends, including Lil Sasquatch, Rone, Francis, Sass, and guests Billy and Spud from the WAR MODE podcast, golf buddy Dustin, and Tommy Smokes. The theme for the night is camaraderie, celebration, and a tongue-in-cheek attempt at masculine rites of passage. Over steaks, drinks, and side dishes, each participant brings a toast, a tale, a joke, and a riddle—delivered with heavy doses of Barstool-style roasting, offbeat stories, irreverent humor, and the occasional rapid swerve into the absurd.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

The Setup: Steak Night Rituals [00:46–05:10]

• Rone explains that Steak Night will feature everyone offering "a toast, a tale, a joke, and a riddle."
• Guests are introduced, with playful banter and humblebrags (recent engagements, newborns, notorious golf games).
• Notable banter: Francis shares how earlier in the day he physically intervened to help an old man in a street altercation, only to discover the perpetrator was his own fan.
  • Francis (on the altercation): "The bad guy was also a fan of me. I was in a weird spot—you’re beating up people but also loving my Instagram." [02:00]

Steak Night Dress Code Chaos [07:48–09:47]

• The tuxedo dress code goes sideways: only Francis and Dustin actually show up in tuxes, others improvise or are caught off-guard.
  • Tommy: "Sass texted me about an hour ago and said, I think you're supposed to dress nice. Maybe a button down." [08:21]
• Discussion of tux sources (Suit Supply vs. Shein) leads to mockery of cheap online wares.

Childhoods, Family, and Theme Parks [14:04–16:42]

• Tommy recounts visiting Universal Studios with young cousins—praises the E.T. ride, laments the cost of FastPasses, and riffs on "FastPass frauds."
• Light social commentary emerges around Orlando’s poverty rate and the contrast between tourist-gloss and city reality.
• Okeechobee trivia: a running joke on odd facts and the deep Floridian swamps. [16:42]

Steakhouse Banter, Health, and Cheese Opinions [18:44–27:00]

• Order placed: wings, slab bacon, lobster mac and cheese, porterhouses for all.
• Toasts begin:
  • Rone's Toast (Jadakiss-style): "May our life be like Italian bread. Long, with a lot of dough in the middle...may your only ups and downs be between the sheets." [18:57]
  • Tommy’s heartfelt roast and tribute to the show's growth (with a cheeky, unfinished punchline): "Here's to glory. Here's to honor. If you can't come in—" [20:06]
• Nursing home shenanigans: boozing, boyfriend/girlfriend drama, and musings on elderly sexuality—a favorite Barstool recurring topic.

Food, Microbiomes, and Alternate Theories [26:39–49:40]

• Kimchi and blue cheese spark debate ("Are you into stinky cheeses or just all pungents are foul to you?").
• Spud shares that fermented foods are anti-cancerous, leading into a riff on gut health and random dietary theories.
• Billy launches into a book he read, positing that COVID-19 might be related to snake venom in Chinese water supplies, paralleling “long COVID” symptoms to snakebites:
  • Billy: "Would it make more sense if maybe they synthesized snake venom from the krait snake in China and the king cobra...then that got into the waters and then people started actually getting venom in them?" [45:47]
  • Group openly questions the theory’s logic, with Dustin deadpanning about his family recipes.

Golf Clubhouse Legends & Catfish [29:25–33:17]

• Dustin’s golf chops are outed (played for Notre Dame, roomed with Golden Tate). Nostalgia for old football and wild stories about catfishing and online personas.
• Francis and Dustin warmly reminisce on shared golf outings and their mutual trolling.

Haunted Hotels & Cultural Faux Pas [36:33–60:21]

• Stories about haunted hotels (Boston’s Parker Omni)—doors opening at night and ghostly experiences.
• Rone tells a humiliating Ethiopian wedding story: dressing in full traditional garb under bad advice, only to arrive and realize they’re the only ones not in Western attire. [58:22–60:21]

Political Mishaps – Tiananmen Square and Steve Bannon [39:40–64:43]

• Francis describes getting detained in Tiananmen Square after unfurling a "Saturdays Are For The Boys" flag; rooms were searched, and the seriousness of Chinese state surveillance hits.
• Later, Francis shares a mundane yet surreal encounter with Steve Bannon in a NYC fast-casual spot, moments before Bannon’s jail time (ordering Mediterranean food, unconcerned). [64:18]

Personal Habits and Life Oddities [50:53–54:00]

• A detailed breakdown of everyone's “nicotine journey” (patches, Lucy pouches, the science or myth of nicotine’s health benefits), and out-there medical claims.

Riddles & Jokes Lightning Round [71:23–81:43]

• Classic jokes (What's black, white, and red all over?—A newspaper), and more elaborate riddles.
• Tommy delivers a riddle: "It's 17th century England. One night, a king, a queen, and a sailor get on a boat...all die, but one survives—who is it?" (The 'knight.' A pun.)
• The group’s delivery and banter:
  • Tommy (proudly): “Watch back the tape...I said, yeah, 'One knight, a king, a queen, and a sailor.' It’s all in delivery.” [74:40]
• Several racy or purposely bad jokes delivered, often intentionally awkward or toeing the line of taste.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Rone, setting the theme:
  "As we always do with Steak Night, everyone will be telling a toast, a tail, a joke, and a riddle. Have you boys prepared?" [00:46]
• Francis, on tackling a street fight:
  "Felt like we were doing our part against racism. Together. But... the bad guy was also a fan of me." [02:01]
• Billy, serious-yet-absurd book take:
  "Would it make more sense if maybe they synthesized snake venom from the krait snake in China and the king cobra...then that got into the waters?" [45:47]
• Tommy, meta awareness:
  "Now that I see what this is, you should feel pathetic. Do nobody else in your life but me?" [05:50]
• Francis, after a riddle is solved: "There's a man who has a normal job...one night he goes to bed, makes a change, turns off the light, and 200 people die. What happened? —He works at a lighthouse. That's it. He's a lighthouse operator." [72:15–72:19]
• Rone, epic wedding tale punchline:
  "Not only did we wear the wrong clothes, but it was the wrong ethnic sect within Ethiopia." [60:20]
• On haunted hotels:
  "I don't believe in any haunting—but someone opened my door in the middle of the night...and I woke up screaming: 'who the f*** is there?'" [37:14]
• Billy, on unpleasant jokes:
  "What's Brown and sits up in the attic? — Diarrhea Van Prank." [76:46]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [00:46 – 05:10]: Steak Night concept introduced, guests arrive; introductory banter
• [07:48 – 09:47]: Dress code chaos, tuxedo stories
• [14:04 – 16:42]: Family vacations, Universal Studios, Orlando poverty discussion
• [18:44 – 27:00]: Toasts, blue cheese, aging, nursing home lifestyles
• [26:39 – 49:40]: Alternate health/food theories, COVID-19 conspiracy, nicotine, bookworm boasts
• [29:25 – 33:17]: Golf stories, college tales, Golden Tate
• [36:33 – 37:46]: Haunted hotel experiences
• [39:40 – 41:17]: Tiananmen Square Barstool flag drama
• [58:22 – 60:21]: Wedding in Ethiopia: cultural clothing mix-up tale
• [71:23 – 81:43]: Riddles, jokes, “dangerous” jokes, show closes

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Tone and Style

Unapologetically brash, casual, and sometimes chaotic, the Son of a Boy Dad Steak Night Special is equal parts dinner party, roast, locker room, and late-night sleepover. Banter flows freely, stories veer from the personal to the bizarre, and nothing is truly off-limits, though all is filtered through the playful, self-deprecating Barstool ethos. Even the deepest or filthiest jokes are delivered with a hint of self-parody—“I don’t think he knew he was punking us, but...”

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a classic Barstool holiday event: rowdy, communal, sometimes poignant, and always ready to detour into conspiracy, trivia, nostalgia, and testosterone-laced absurdity. The "toast-tale-joke-riddle" format brings structure to the rampant chaos, with everyone getting roasted, praised, or gently mocked in turn. Whether dissecting the science of sous vide, musing on the problems of old age, riffing on conspiracy theories, or just failing at math riddles, the crew is at peak reckless charm.

Best for: Listeners who want to feel like they’re at a rowdy steak dinner with friends—lots of laughs, “did they really just say that?” moments, and surprisingly genuine group chemistry.

Transcript

[A]

Hey. Son of a boy. Dad. Listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

[B]

Cracker Barrel is home to all the more country anytime. That means buttermilk pancakes whenever you want them. Homemade classics like chicken and dumplings. And a country store full of fun finds. Swing by and visit Cracker Barrel today. So y' all know that we're big fans of Cracker Barrel, and this holiday season, I will be sat at their table with a big plate of country fried turkey.

[C]

And Brandon, I'll be right there with you. And I'll check it off my Christmas.

[D]

List in the country store while I'm at it.

[B]

It'll make a nice holiday tradition. Oh, that's so cute of you.

[C]

Enjoy all the more holiday traditions only at Cracker Barrel.

[A]

Hello, and welcome to the inaugural Steak Night. What a year it's been. A. I'm joined by our co hosts, Francis and Sass, and each of us has brought guests today. And as we always do with Steak Night, everyone will be telling a toast, a tail, a joke, and a riddle. Have you boys prepared?

[C]

I've got a riddle, but I don't have a tail or a joke. I've got some jokes.

[A]

You're a comedian.

[C]

I can write some stuff down.

[A]

And what about. You have no riddle?

[C]

No, I have a riddle.

[A]

You have no joke?

[C]

I have no. I have. I have jokes and riddles.

[D]

No tales.

[A]

What about a toast?

[C]

Of course.

[A]

All right, fair enough. How about you?

[E]

I think I'm gonna be in good shape here.

[A]

Yeah, you're fine. Plus, you hand tied.

[C]

You got none of them.

[A]

No, you hand tied your bow tie.

[E]

I have a quiver of arrows in which sits anything I need at my disposal.

[A]

You also beat the shit out of a homeless vagrant today.

[E]

Shouldn't touch that gu. A bad man hit an old man and we restrained him.

[A]

Who's we?

[E]

Me and this really bulky black guy.

[D]

He was jacked.

[A]

You got to have a bulky black guy in your face.

[E]

It was really nice.

[A]

That's so nice.

[E]

Felt like we were doing our part against racism.

[A]

Yeah, together. Your hands fucking clasped. But you couldn't restrain the guy till the cops came.

[C]

Well, he must have been.

[E]

What happened was that the old man. We were like, sir, wait, they're coming. And he was like, I don't care. And he just waved at us and was like, bye. And then we're like, all right. Well, now we're just holding on to a guy against whom the victim will not press charges. Nor is he even Here. So why do we care?

[C]

So did you guys just slow release?

[E]

We let him go because the guy was like, why are you holding on to me? Why are you holding on to me?

[C]

We're like, all right. Did you make sure he went upstream? It's better for the gills.

[A]

Did he know that? He shoved the guy?

[E]

We got our hands wet before we held onto him, I'll tell you that much. Yeah. And the weird part was that the bad guy was also a fan of me. So I was in a weird spot where he was like, I love your Instagram. I was like, I hate you and everything you stand for. Don't try to be my friend.

[A]

So he wasn't Romanian or anything? Because he looked Romanian.

[E]

He was white American.

[A]

Oh, that's such a shame. But what else would you expect? We all have guests today. Should we send in the guests? Guests? Introduce our guest. Oh, wow, look who it is.

[C]

How is everybody?

[B]

It's good to see you.

[A]

Tommy, right here, please.

[C]

Yes, of course.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Please shake all your hands.

[A]

Well done.

[C]

I think you're at the end.

[D]

Oh, I know you're right here.

[A]

Good to see you, brother.

[D]

Of course.

[A]

We need you right in the middle. Gentlemen, gentlemen. So my two guests from the esteemed War Mode podcast, Billy and Spud. Recently engaged. Recently a father. How amazing is that? Recently a father. Two month old. A two month old father.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

How's it been?

[F]

Oh, it's been great. Yeah, it's cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Just starting to smile. Just starting to move around. I'm tired.

[A]

School. And you say you're. You're eloping, right?

[B]

Yep, yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think I've touched the ground since I got engaged.

[A]

It's just floating.

[D]

Yeah, it's truly.

[A]

And that was plan too, right?

[B]

Yeah, 100% plan.

[A]

Engagement, dude. So happy to have you guys. Yeah. You guys know Billy. Spud. What an absolute pleasure.

[B]

First time meeting Tommy.

[C]

Great guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Tommy, we're really hitting it off back there.

[A]

But you and Dustin go way back, right?

[B]

Also first time meeting Dustin way back there.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Six years married.

[G]

I've been avoiding kids for six years.

[A]

Yeah. God damn.

[E]

This is my friend Dustin. He's a man with whom I golf frequently. He's very funny. He's from Asia, the continent. Although, I don't know. You're not from there. You're from Canada.

[D]

Harrow.

[E]

Nice to meet you all. Dustin is.

[D]

I don't want to do that.

[E]

And when he does it, I get to respond in kind, which makes sense. Makes me feel good.

[A]

Give us1.

[E]

Hello. Mr. Mr. Dustin, listen, we have a lot of fun. We have a steak dinner.

[D]

Awesome.

[A]

Yeah, Dustin is incredible at it.

[D]

Yeah, we, we do it a lot.

[G]

At the golf course and sometimes people just like, what are you guys doing?

[E]

Permission.

[G]

Because we'll shout it from across like the driving ring.

[E]

Mr. Dassing, you forgot your n.

[A]

That's up. That's really up. The Chinese will not extradite one of their own. Mr. Lao, Mr. Lau. Batman.

[B]

I've never seen Batman.

[D]

Dr.

[B]

Strange.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I like that.

[D]

He's a Marvel guy.

[C]

Dr.

[A]

Strange and Sass, who do you have?

[C]

Yeah, I got Tommy.

[A]

Tommy smokes from work.

[C]

From work? Yeah. I didn't know what this was. When Sass asked me to do it, I just said sure. Now that I see what this is, you should feel pathetic. Do nobody else in your life but me.

[D]

I thought he was fa.

[F]

I was like, dude, I know this guy.

[D]

But he's famous.

[A]

Yeah, I worked with him.

[C]

I wanted to bring my famous boy.

[E]

He's not famous.

[B]

Tight circle.

[A]

Yeah, he's famous from work.

[C]

Yeah. Thanks for having me. I'm excited.

[E]

Of course.

[C]

How many other people did you ask? Or was it just like got to get Tom. You don't got to worry about that.

[E]

Tommy.

[D]

Is that martini for you, brother?

[E]

Thank you.

[D]

Got some menu for you guys as well.

[A]

Oh, fantastic. Oh, you have to introduce yourself. You have to let everyone know who you are.

[B]

My name is Ben.

[D]

I'll be your servant today.

[E]

This is Ben.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Shout out to Ben. Beautiful locks.

[D]

Thank you very much.

[B]

You look like a young Simply Red.

[F]

I've gotten that before actually.

[D]

It's a great menu for you.

[E]

Are you an aspiring model or actor or anything like that?

[D]

Actor, Musician?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Cool, cool.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People tell me I don't really want.

[E]

A guitarist.

[B]

What's name? His what? What's your weapon of choice?

[E]

Guitar.

[B]

I love them.

[E]

Cool, cool, cool.

[D]

Anybody need a drink right now?

[A]

I'll do another Old Fashioned, please. Absolutely.

[C]

Club soda as well.

[F]

Call him the Simply Red.

[C]

Obvious.

[E]

I'll have a Manhattan if you gave.

[F]

Him Sass as hell.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Oh, very nice.

[D]

Order by order of.

[E]

What's up?

[D]

By order of the piggy blind.

[A]

He said that he. His water shut off and it's building. So he had the.

[C]

Well, no, the water. The hot water.

[A]

Hot water, hot water, cold shower. Nah, but it won't give the. It won't give the volume.

[E]

That's crazy.

[D]

Cold shower.

[B]

Lock in.

[C]

It's freezing.

[A]

No, but make you a man.

[E]

Are you going to have to leave at like 4? Not what to hand out the evening.

[A]

Edition, make sure, read all about it.

[E]

Welcome right into that.

[A]

Francis is the only one that actually wore the tux I wanted. My original idea for this was that everybody's rocking tux. And then Francis. That's why he has to middle.

[E]

Dustin is in the tux.

[A]

He's in the half tux.

[G]

I've got my tux bow tie. So Francis told me nothing except to wear tux. So I called my best friend who lives in the Upper west side. Yeah, I'm wearing his wedding tux. And it took me. It would have taken me 20 minutes to get here from Jersey City.

[A]

Yeah, it took me an hour and.

[G]

20 minutes to get to the Upper west side to get his tux. That doesn't fit me.

[A]

And if it's okay, here I am.

[C]

On the other hand, Sass texted me about an hour ago and said, I think you're supposed to dress nice. Maybe a button down. I said I could bring him something too. Yeah, very generous.

[A]

And then Tommy. This was all supposed to be a surprise. And then Tommy just came up to me in the office today was like, I'm coming to your thing.

[C]

Sassy. Tell me it was a surprise. He said, do you want to come to Roan's steak thing tomorrow? And I said, sure. When and where? He said, let me ask Roan.

[F]

No planning.

[D]

No planning.

[F]

That's crazy.

[A]

I asked you brothers game? Oh, we. Yeah, gaming. They got game brain. I asked you brothers a clean week ago.

[B]

Yeah, when was that?

[A]

About a clean week ago. And they're just down for whatever. Came up from Philly. Came up from Philly.

[E]

45 minutes from Hong Kong.

[A]

Actually. I got this suit from Sheen, so it's probably came about the same distance.

[G]

I just learned about Sheen last night.

[A]

Oh, you just learned about Sheen. It's incredible. What did you learn?

[G]

I was looking at a golf apparel company and apparently they're selling stuff at Sheen, but other than that, I have no idea.

[A]

This, I bought a tuxedo from shein. It was $40. $40, like a Halloween costume. It looks so slippery. It might fall off. It might just slip off my shoulders through.

[C]

That's like you get that in like the James Bond bag at Halloween party.

[A]

It was so wrinkled. But 40 bucks, you really can't beat it. Where do you have your tux from?

[E]

This is from Suit Supply. Yeah, sort of the Warby Parker of formal wear.

[A]

High end.

[E]

No, I mean it's fit, it's fitted. Medium end, I would call it. Right. Suit Supply. This was the whole pants and jacket was like 450 bucks. 500 bucks.

[B]

They say a good shoot, a good suit has always went with an ounce of gold. The price has always been the same.

[E]

Is that right?

[D]

Yep.

[C]

Wow.

[F]

Is the Roman toga.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So what's the. What's an ounce of gold right now?

[F]

44300.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Something high, right? Super high.

[B]

Is also very high. Platinum's lagging, but could go up.

[D]

Platinum.

[B]

Platinum is usually more expensive.

[E]

Gold.

[A]

Are you invested in. In. In. How much do you have in gold right now?

[F]

He wears it, I wear it.

[B]

Yeah, I have it all. Well, I have some. I'm switching some stuff out right now, but, you know.

[A]

No, I see a little bit of it in the glasses, honestly.

[B]

Yeah, that's just stuck in there. It's not. I'm not liquid with that. I literally wouldn't be able to.

[A]

Oh, are they Gucci broochie?

[B]

Ever since I was in high school. Gotta invest in your eyes. I have bad eyes. You know you have 2020.

[E]

I do. Well, I have 2015 in one and 2025 in the other, weirdly.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

It's like a pilot 2020 over here. For real? Yeah, I wear contacts. Last minus 5.25.

[A]

Dustin, what are you working with?

[G]

Sliver of an eye.

[D]

Have you ever seen.

[G]

There's like an Instagram reel where a guy films what it's like looking out of an Asian's eyes.

[D]

It's just like little blind.

[A]

Oh, my God. I didn't realize. There is a. It's a higher Asian population per capita at. We'll cut that. We'll cut that.

[E]

We filmed up there.

[D]

Are you talking about the North Korean.

[A]

Population where I am from?

[E]

Dustin and I crashed a wedding up in upstate New York together. And it was like a white supremacy wedding. And he surprised you boys weren't there.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Dustin's a troll. And when we got into the wedding, he was already quite drunk. And I. We stumbled down a hill. I'm not making any of this up. We stumbled down a hill into the wedding. It was an outdoor pavilion. And we got right to the bar where, I mean, the dress code for the wedding was like, T shirts and jeans and, like, biker vests. And the woman was like, where are you from? To him. And he goes, korea. And she goes. She goes north or south? And he. She goes. He goes north. And she goes, which one's the bad one? And he was like, south. So he knew to, like, somehow be an ally, but also gave them the wrong one. And we were there for about an hour until they Started getting aggressive and then we left.

[A]

Yeah, that's a smart move to get the fuck out of there. Some wings.

[D]

These are double smoke wings. Buffalo blue cheese on the side. Be right back with the rest for you.

[B]

Don't be shy.

[A]

I didn't even know it was wing night. Honestly, I'm kind of shocked.

[F]

Have you guys ever been a wing stop?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

I. I order Wingstop like once every two weeks.

[D]

Also wraps. Also wraps.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Spade was asked me if it was also wrapped. He asked me if it was a black establishment. I said yes, it's predominantly black.

[A]

You know, Wingstop. Wingstop, Big time.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

I was the ones at one time. He just starts laughing.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You know what? Sneakly also is good. Yeah.

[B]

International House of Pancakes.

[A]

Yeah, international. It's. But it's. Oh, and what are we. What are we working with here?

[D]

A little bacon, new ski's bacon, little extra green stuff on the side.

[A]

A thick cut. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you.

[D]

You're welcome.

[A]

Yeah, the. The. The I. IHOP is. IHOP is what Waffle House kind of thinks it is.

[B]

Got it. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I've been to IHOP in a long time.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I mean, IHOP is. It's the one, but it is.

[C]

It's.

[A]

It's more. It's.

[C]

I went about 13 days ago to an IHOP.

[F]

I love French toast.

[C]

13 days ago.

[E]

Oh, no.

[C]

I'm sorry, guys, my guest has something to say.

[A]

I was at.

[C]

I was at an IHOP 11 days ago in Orlando, Florida.

[A]

How was it?

[C]

It was good.

[A]

What are you doing down in.

[C]

I went to Universal Studios with my family.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Well, they're.

[F]

How old are your kids?

[E]

What?

[F]

How old are your kids?

[C]

I don't have any kids. It was my cousins. How old are your cousins? Like 7 and 9 and 2. So appropriate age for Universal.

[E]

Yeah. Why did you feel the need to go with them?

[C]

Well, I was in Florida for Thanksgiving and so actually really fucking funny story. My cousin's husband, his grandparents said, oh, I got this timeshare in Orlando family. Why don't you come? Why don't you come? Freaking Gabby forgets that I'm gonna be down there. And she's like, oh my God, we wanted to spend time with you. Why don't you just come with us to the timeshare for the weekend? So I went with them.

[A]

That is hilarious. Holy shit. Aren't you glad you strapped in?

[C]

I'm good.

[F]

I'm good.

[G]

What was the best and worst part? Universal.

[C]

Oh, I like the ET Ride. I'm a sucker for the EC ride when they say your name. I said my name was Wally. I gotta laugh out of the kids. They know my name's Thomas and worse. The lines. Oh, the lines.

[B]

You didn't get the fast pass?

[C]

No, we didn't get the fast pass. It's like 240 for a very expensive.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Not even for the fast pass.

[A]

We were talking about this on Son of a Boy. Dad that. That kids in Orlando who are special needs used to be able to get to the front of the line automatically in Disney World. But then their family started renting them out to people who are coming to the. To the park. So that's no longer a thing because you can't prove who's. But I. Yeah. Who's special or who. Who deserves the FastPass to.

[F]

It's expensive to have a kid like that, you know.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It is.

[F]

You gotta get by. You know, as a parent, you do whatever you can make a buck.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Well, that's win, win, win. It's win for the family because they're making some money. It's win for the people. Every single time. The Epcot. It's kind of nice. It's really nice.

[B]

There was a very high poverty rate for homelessness and children in Orlando when I was in, I think 2011. I was in high school. I was told that fact. I don't know if it's changed or.

[A]

Not, but downtown Orlando is a. It's a harrowing place. It's not all Disney World. You think of Orlando as a child and you think it's Disney World proper, but it's really. It's more than that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Watch out for Lake Okeechobee too.

[A]

Okeechobee will get you.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Those fucking swamps down there.

[B]

What's the deepest part of Okeechobee?

[F]

12Ft.

[A]

12Ft.

[B]

That big ass, like the deepest part like Okeechobee. 12ft.

[E]

You have that.

[B]

We looked it up when retention of knowledge went by. Okeechobee. I was like, that's huge.

[F]

I went down to Florida to get stem cells.

[B]

We looked at her like, that's a big ass lake. How deep is it? 12ft.

[D]

Did we get a chance to look the menu?

[C]

Yeah. Francis been having so much fucking fun shopping. We've barely been able to look.

[A]

Francis was gonna put in the orders for us.

[E]

I think I got a sense of what we're gonna go with here.

[B]

Excellent.

[A]

Maybe the wings, the slab bacon. Both sound good.

[E]

Yeah, those do sound pretty good. What could we also do a lobster Mac and cheese?

[D]

Absolutely.

[E]

As well as some garlic parmesan mashed potatoes. Let's do two of those. How many cream spinaches should we do there, Ron?

[A]

I think. What? What do you think? Three?

[C]

They're good. Cream spinach. It's good.

[D]

Cream spinach.

[E]

Okay. Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

[D]

One for each.

[E]

And then could I bother you for.

[C]

A French onion soup?

[F]

We can do that.

[D]

Absolutely.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Greedy.

[C]

Well, I'm.

[E]

I'm sick.

[C]

Open up the.

[E]

Everybody knows French onion soup cures any ailment.

[A]

Yeah, cheese is going to make that ailment worse.

[C]

We're going to scratch the French onion soup.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, maybe without the cheese.

[C]

You don't have a chicken Raw.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Have I worn it before?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Sip on that hot sauce. What? About time.

[E]

Steak throne. What did we want for those?

[A]

Maybe the porterhouse. I think the porterhouse is the move.

[C]

It's very good.

[E]

A couple porterhouses.

[A]

Yeah, I think just porterhouses. We've cut them up to. To share.

[D]

Yeah, we can do that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That sounds amazing.

[E]

Let's do two porter houses. Perfect.

[A]

We're supposed to be eating.

[C]

No?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You said it was a big dinner.

[E]

Trust me.

[C]

Seven of us.

[F]

Strip club rules.

[D]

Look at no Touch.

[E]

Yeah, for now. I think that'll do. Thanks.

[C]

Can I actually, could I grab a Diet Coke by any chance? Thank you.

[B]

Gloves are off.

[E]

Cheers, everybody.

[A]

Actually, before we cheers. Why don't we get to the toasts? Why don't we begin with the toast? Everyone wants to prepare a toast to tail a riddle and a joke. And so why don't we get to the toasts?

[C]

No thanks to fucking you I have.

[A]

I mean, the toaster toasts are low. I mean, toast can be anything. They don't have to be poetic. But I'd love to start if that's all right with you all, Please. May our life be like Italian bread. Long with a lot of dough in the middle. May your only ups and downs be between the sheets. And may we stay clear of these skeezers, dick teasers and weirdos. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers, gentlemen. So happy you guys are all out here for the. The inaugural steak night.

[B]

Good stuff. That was a good one.

[C]

Honestly.

[A]

Unbelievable. That's Jadakiss.

[B]

Oh, is it?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's a Jadakiss classic. And I actually was supposed to start with a pause. A lot of dough in the middle. But if anyone else has a toast.

[D]

I literally thought you said a lot of dough.

[C]

Tommy's embarrassing me in front of the guest. It's hard.

[A]

But if anyone else has A toast. I really would love to hear it. It doesn't even have to be po. It doesn't have to be poetic. Tommy.

[C]

First of all, thank you for having us. Of course.

[D]

Of course.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

The growth of son of a boy dad this year has been an honor to watch the addition of Francis. I know it wasn't this year, but it's really taking you guys to a new level. Sass really buying in, and then Rowan being the glue that binds it all together. And let's not forget the behind the scenes, all the work that you guys put in.

[A]

Are you paying the camera to show everyone behind the scenes?

[C]

Yeah. And I. You know, 2025 is big. 2026 will be bigger. Here's to glory. Here's to honor. If you can't come in.

[A]

Oh, come on, come on, come on. Cheers to that one.

[C]

But cheers.

[A]

I will, I will. Cheers. Cheers. Tommy, thank you so much. The clang of the glass is nice. You could tell that that's a nice glass right there that you're working with. What was your order?

[C]

You proud of me?

[E]

Yeah, I think I did.

[A]

Manhattan.

[E]

Oh, yeah. That's a Manhattan. Yeah.

[F]

That's what Ricky drinks in the South.

[C]

Dude, that's wild.

[F]

By himself.

[B]

I would throw up for real.

[E]

If you have one of those Manhattans. Yeah.

[A]

Take a whack of it.

[B]

Hell, no.

[F]

My Grandma was, like, 97. She used to wreck two of those a day. We used to watch the Phillies. 90, 94.

[D]

93.

[F]

94.

[E]

Error.

[B]

Daisha.

[E]

Her era of 93.

[C]

94. No, like the years.

[B]

The years. The errors of the Phillies.

[A]

How late did she live?

[B]

They're all meth.

[F]

She lived to, like, 97, maybe.

[E]

Oh, so that was the last year. Yeah.

[A]

That's good, though.

[B]

It was.

[F]

She remembered everyone's batting average.

[D]

It was nuts, but. Used to rip two of them.

[F]

Then my buddy made me when I was.

[B]

You know.

[F]

She was hammered all day.

[E]

Yeah, These are heavy, but that's nice.

[A]

I don't think that being hammered precludes you from living a long life.

[B]

No.

[A]

Like, at my grandma's nursing home. Also lived to 97. They're just. They push around a cart like you're on an airplane with just booze inside of it.

[D]

Yeah, it's sick.

[B]

There's a lot of. Yeah, it's big in those retirement homes.

[D]

The moms are off.

[B]

They just like crazy.

[A]

She had a boy.

[E]

Hives of sexually trans.

[B]

No one sees that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There was a husband and a wife at her nursing home that live separate from each other. And the Husband had, like, he had a little girlfriend that's hot. That they're just both, like, were paying.

[F]

Do you think there's, like, another porn?

[E]

Because everyone's ovaries are just old. Why would you. Yeah.

[A]

What was that question, Spud?

[F]

Do you think there's, like, another porn we don't even know about? That's for, like, what do you.

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, what could that even open it up?

[F]

It would just be, like, gray hair.

[B]

I think they just go for the young.

[F]

You know what I mean? You thought about what, the baby toys or, like, the baby contraptions? How cool would be if you got really old? Oh, you get put into a chair that just, like, bounces.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

And then there'd be, like, noises, and.

[A]

You'Re just kind of suspended.

[F]

Give them, like, three phones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Beginning of life care, iPhone.

[B]

Be like, it's the same thing.

[A]

Yeah. Beginning. Beginning of life care, palliative care. That's the exact same thing. But we only respect the babies.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We don't respect the olds.

[D]

Well, they're on the up, right?

[A]

Exactly. No one wants to catch you on the way down. No one wants to see you. As soon as you're at the top and people get a whiff that you're on your way down, they don't want to do with you.

[B]

Well, those shits might be atrocious, though. Like, baby shits are like, cute and funny. Old people shits are probably foul.

[A]

Yeah. And they have, like, maybe like a baked in lifetime of racism that they're throwing at the person who's wiping your ass.

[B]

They pay for those sins at those places. The shit beat out by the order.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. The orderly, warden, the orderlies are violent.

[B]

Dude, like, Jamaican orderly just beat the fuck out of order.

[A]

You almost have to sign up for the Jamaican orderly speed. Like, that's kind of what you. You pay more for that in some of the places. It really makes it worth it. Anyone else have a Tommy, you're the only one with the toast.

[B]

I got one. I'll try to get that bacon, though.

[C]

Best guess so far.

[E]

People are saying it'd be pretty funny if Shawshank Redemption were set in an old people's home.

[C]

Why? Why would that be funny, Francis? Explain.

[E]

I'm just picturing it because of the. Where they were going.

[D]

Same actors.

[E]

No, it's slightly different amended for it. Right. Because you mentioned the warden, and it's like, maybe there's some old man falsely accused of whatever, and he ends up ingratiating himself to the warden by helping him out with his retirement plan instead of his taxes. Right.

[D]

Who's the warden?

[B]

Get to LA right now.

[D]

It was a free.

[A]

Yeah, sell that thing.

[B]

Yeah, that's a million dollar idea.

[E]

It's one of those things where I started talking and I wished I hadn't.

[C]

Great movie.

[D]

RIP Robert Redford.

[F]

Toast Robert Redford this year.

[A]

Is that your toast? Is that your toast? To Robert.

[D]

Robert Redford.

[F]

James Gandolfini. The Castle. What a great movie.

[C]

That's good.

[E]

The Castle.

[A]

I haven't seen it.

[D]

Oh, it's great.

[A]

What's it about?

[F]

It's the same as like Shawshanks. Like Robert Redford, but he used to be a military man. He rolls up to Gandolfini's the warden, but then he trains up all the soldiers. Like have respect.

[E]

That is not the movie I thought.

[D]

We were talking about.

[C]

God, thank you.

[E]

I do know that movie.

[C]

I love watch Alice.

[A]

Bro.

[D]

What is this?

[E]

A wedge.

[A]

A nice wedge. What do you know about a wedge?

[B]

Outback. Outback. Used to have that, didn't menu for you?

[A]

Yeah, I think I did.

[E]

Wow. Good wedge wedge.

[C]

Solid wedge, deep.

[A]

I love a chunky blue cheese. I need a chunky blue cheese. The chunk. But I. This, this could be controversial.

[F]

I need some apple dish.

[A]

I don't like your menus, Tommy. I don't like bits of lettuce. I don't like the. I like a leafier bit of lettuce. I don't want the crunchier.

[C]

I like the crunch.

[G]

I don't like blue cheese. Is that controversial?

[A]

That is a little bit controversial, yeah. Is it? Is it the stank of it? Do you like any stinky cheeses? Like a Roquefort perhaps or anything like that? Or is it all cheeses that are pungent are foul to you?

[D]

The latter.

[A]

Yeah, I think that that makes sense. I think that that's at least consistent. But God, I love a stinky cheese Kimchi. Oh.

[B]

Anti cancer.

[G]

I eat it for breakfast every day, actually.

[B]

You?

[D]

I blend it.

[E]

Kimchi is actually his aunt's name.

[B]

Very beneficial for preventing cancer.

[A]

It's good for the microbiome. It's great for the microbiome.

[E]

Fermented.

[A]

Here, here, brother. Get in, get in.

[E]

Don't mind if I do.

[B]

I'm not a big rabbit food guy.

[A]

You're not? What about the bacon?

[B]

I'm eating it right now.

[A]

I just got blue cheese. I'm just wearing blue cheese all over the place.

[B]

This is a lot of blue cheese. Party without Havardi.

[A]

Personally made.

[B]

Oh, my God, I just get Havarti and chop it up on a potato chip.

[A]

I don't even think I've even heard of Havarti cheese. No, in the last like 20 years, I used to growing up, I had Havarti.

[E]

Yeah, we're going to have plenty of eight of them.

[C]

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[E]

Boy.

[C]

That's rocket money.com boy today rocket money.com boy. Rocket money dot com boy.

[F]

When you golf, like, what do you get?

[E]

Shoot.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

What do you get?

[E]

You want to talk about golf?

[D]

This guy, what do you guys get?

[E]

He's the best that there ever was.

[F]

Like, Parish.

[E]

He's a scrat. He's a plus golfer.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

He's better than scratch. He played at Notre Dame.

[C]

No, sure. For real?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't.

[G]

I mean, sat on the bench a lot, but yeah.

[E]

You played on the team?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You can.

[G]

What's that?

[B]

You can bend, drag and golf?

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

There's like 12 strong.

[B]

Swings.

[F]

When was. Yeah, when was this?

[G]

There's like, I.

[B]

With you.

[F]

See the untold.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[F]

That was crazy, bro.

[C]

That was him.

[A]

Honestly, it made me feel better. Better for Manta. I was like. At first I was like, manta is a lion scumbag, but how do you not know? Yeah, well, he. The suspension of disbelief was high.

[D]

That was also.

[E]

That was also the first catfish, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

So it wasn't a phenomenon until that.

[D]

Check out my aol when I remember.

[B]

Telling a screen name, I'll make your bed rock.

[A]

Say all.

[B]

Chat room. I don't even think I was jerking off yet.

[A]

I was thinking about rocking bed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's bold as hell.

[B]

I think I saw it on Real.

[E]

Sex when the guy spoke in the girl's voice. It did it for me. Nah, you kidding?

[A]

Lanae Kakua.

[E]

She was stunning.

[A]

Of course.

[E]

Over the phone.

[A]

Who could forget? Yeah. Who was. What was the dude's name? Lyne Kakua was a fake name. But what was the cousin's name?

[G]

You mean the impersonator?

[A]

Yeah, the impersonating. The sexy ass. Impersonating cousin. After the impersonation. Obviously he wasn't sexy as a guy.

[B]

Crazy. That took him out, too.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Bad at football after that happened.

[A]

But he. But now he's. He's back on TV again, so he's back on top.

[B]

I respect him. And Jeff Samarja, my favorite football player ever.

[A]

And. Wait, but what about Zibakowski?

[B]

Zibakowski Sick.

[A]

Samarja sick.

[B]

Golden Tate's sick.

[G]

That was my roommate in college.

[B]

That's insane.

[D]

What? Yeah.

[G]

We're very good friends in each other's weddings.

[A]

What? Golden Kate.

[C]

Yeah. Wow.

[A]

Francis, guest of the evening.

[C]

Happy busy.

[E]

Throne to Hong Kong.

[G]

Golden thinks I'm from Tokyo.

[C]

The Giants backup running back is my cousin.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

That's pretty cool.

[D]

That's pretty good.

[C]

He's. He's great.

[A]

He played for the Eagles. He's like the cockiest wide Receiver. Ever. He would, like, sh. He would, like, muscle.

[E]

So.

[A]

No, no. Yeah. Devin Singletary.

[C]

We're done with Devin Singletary back on.

[A]

I mean, it's not your moment. You had your moment. You had your chance to have a moment. This is the golden tape moment of the.

[D]

Of the evening.

[G]

He would wave, like, thinking he had enough room to sort of, like, coast in the end zone and then almost get caught.

[A]

But the one time he hit a dude with his ass, he flipped and he, like, smoked the dude with his ass as he was flipping.

[G]

I think it was Harrison Smith, another Notre Dame guy.

[A]

Oh, really?

[G]

Yeah, he flipped, hit him with his ass.

[A]

With the ass? Yeah. Was he. Was he ever doing that kind of. While you were in. In school with him?

[B]

Doing what?

[G]

Hitting people's ass?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Power bottom.

[D]

No, he's, like the most.

[G]

Most competitive person I've ever been around.

[A]

Yeah, he seems like it, but he seems like the man.

[B]

Dude.

[F]

I saw Russell Wilson recently.

[B]

Guess, best guess.

[D]

Saw Russell Wilson.

[F]

Saw Russell Wilson at the Four Seasons.

[A]

Where?

[D]

Four Seasons. Where?

[C]

Philadelphia. Nobody cares.

[A]

The Four Seasons.

[F]

Philly walked by and I was like, it's Mr. Unlimited.

[D]

Walk right by.

[A]

What were you doing at the Sky Bar? The Four Seasons?

[F]

Chilling with my famous friend, bro.

[A]

Oh, yeah. SG Jesus Christ.

[B]

No big deal. Remember those ads for the Philly Bar, The Van Gogh Lounge and Sky Bar? Yeah, I think about it a lot.

[A]

What the fuck is a Sky Bar?

[B]

The one in Philly's. A Sky bar.

[E]

Doesn'T start until, like, the 20th floor.

[A]

That's it. Some people say that's the best hotel in America.

[E]

Come on. That's ridiculous.

[A]

Bethany Frankel said that they've never been.

[C]

To the raffle in Boston.

[E]

That's right.

[A]

You think that's the best one?

[B]

Straight out of Birmingham.

[A]

Stroke from Birmingham.

[C]

I've never been.

[A]

Fran. That's where Francis stayed. Dustin, what's the best hotel in America?

[G]

In the contiguous, like, chain.

[E]

No, single hotel.

[A]

Hotel.

[D]

Oh, boy.

[G]

I mean, I haven't really stayed at too many nice hotels. I really couldn't pinpoint that.

[A]

Or from your experience, what's your favorite one that you stayed at? Because I know you've stayed at some absolute hitters.

[G]

Probably a golf resort.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Trying to think what would be a.

[B]

You ever been to the Breakers?

[D]

I think Palm Beach.

[E]

That's fancy.

[D]

Heard about it more.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, really? Yeah. Have your own space.

[D]

Hot tub.

[B]

Is that a must or.

[D]

No, I don't do hot tubs.

[B]

That's a mo. That's on his filters.

[F]

You don't gotta make it like a thing.

[E]

Dustin calls them hot pots.

[A]

You say you don't do hot tubs.

[E]

Why?

[A]

The conjunctivitis, the folliculitis, all the above.

[G]

But also just, like, the effort that goes into making.

[C]

Dustin's my guest now.

[G]

I have a hot tub upstate, and it. We've had it for four years, and it's never been filled now.

[C]

Yeah, I'm not a hot tub guy either.

[D]

Me neither.

[A]

Why not?

[C]

More of a land. I like to be on the like, not wet.

[D]

I don't do water neither.

[C]

Yeah, it.

[G]

We don't swim off.

[D]

No.

[E]

Really? Man, I would live in the water.

[D]

If I could see you as a dolphin.

[C]

I love the water.

[D]

Grow gills.

[E]

I love the water.

[F]

Dolphins have huge interior balls.

[D]

I would rather.

[G]

I would rather do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that true? Yes.

[B]

When was the four season? When they start. The Four Seasons gone to your head?

[E]

When did they start it?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

The chain.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

My guess would be 19, probably, like, 1950s would be my guess.

[C]

Seventies. Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, you know what?

[E]

I'm okay with my answer.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

That's not as far off as.

[C]

That would have been cool if I got it on the top.

[E]

20 years is okay.

[B]

70S is crazy. I just thought the four seasons was around forever.

[E]

It occurs to me that, you know, that, first of all, that name is, like, weirdly modern. It's. You know, hotels before that were called, like, the Chester.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

And the Rich.

[A]

You're thinking of the Carlton. You're thinking of Rich Carlton.

[E]

Yeah, the Ritz Carlton.

[B]

Four Seasons.

[A]

I'm saying, like.

[B]

I saw the Four Seasons. This place got to be ancient.

[A]

But I think that the Ritz Carlton's got to be ancient. No. Would you think that that's equally ancient? I put them on the same level.

[E]

I agree with Rowan. I think the force, the Ritz Carlton, is a far older ancient. Oh, my God.

[A]

That's a flip.

[F]

It's a razor.

[D]

You can get one flip this photo.

[G]

I stayed at the most haunted hotel in the United States. It's like, one of the top five in Boston.

[F]

I didn't know it strictly for the haunt.

[G]

I went for work, and for some reason, a really nice hotel. I think it was called the Parker Omni. It was cheap that day compared to everything else. And I got there, and I was like, what's going on?

[C]

Is this place old?

[G]

Like, yeah, it's like, one of the most haunted hotels in the U.S. did.

[B]

You get a haunt?

[G]

I didn't. I was staying on the 10th floor, apparently, like, like the 9th and 7th. I did try and like walk around just to see what was up and got.

[D]

I want to go to those really bad feelings.

[A]

Dude. I've stayed at that hotel.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And my door. My door was open.

[D]

Shut the up.

[A]

I. I don't believe in any haunting type of. I stayed in that hotel and I like. Someone opened my door in the middle of the night and I like woke up screaming like being like get the who. Who the is there? Or something like that. And the next morning it was haunted.

[C]

When you.

[A]

I had no idea until right now that anything is haunted about.

[G]

I talked to a guest that said his closet open and shut a couple times.

[A]

That's insane. Because I went to the front office or the front desk. I was like. This is like came into my. They were able to open the door.

[C]

No. Wing it up.

[A]

I'm good.

[D]

I'm saving it for this.

[G]

I believe it.

[F]

Dude.

[A]

I'm not into any type of haunt. Haunting. I don't really believe in any of that.

[B]

You buy like a suicide house.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[G]

It's also right across the street from that. That big graveyard where bunch of like.

[E]

The signatories of the Declaration of Independence.

[G]

Yeah. Like Sam Adams or whatever.

[A]

So you think that Is it. You think that James Madison or something or John J. Was coming?

[G]

Who's the Christmas girl? Writer Charles Dickens. Apparently he haunts the place because he used to stay there and write there.

[F]

Who else did someone ask My hotel famous, everyone.

[G]

You're probably right.

[B]

Retest.

[A]

Yeah, I'll retest the weather or something.

[C]

Or you think sass.

[A]

What are you saying?

[C]

Nothing. I was telling Tommy.

[E]

Don't.

[C]

Yeah, we're just talking about the weather and shit.

[B]

I gotta test.

[E]

Can we have one conversation going at a time, please? Because everyone's mic'd.

[C]

Can we have multiple.

[A]

No.

[E]

Come on.

[A]

How's that gonna work?

[E]

This isn't a real dinner party.

[C]

When did we have multiple conversations?

[E]

Just 10 seconds ago.

[A]

You just had a whisper combo.

[E]

We had to say. Wait, what do you guys say?

[C]

No, it was a Sl. Was slight. It was like. I think it was one word. No, you. You teed.

[A]

You actually set your guest. You teed him up for a. I'm.

[D]

Teing him up for success.

[A]

For any success. Watch. Watch. A tee up for success. Billy, you just said you had a toast.

[B]

Yeah, Glasses. I just want to toast to the country of Tibet and hopefully they can get freedom from China. We came here and we saw a probably 3 mile long Tibetan car motorcade. Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[E]

Well, let's be respectful to Dustin.

[D]

I'm not on board with that.

[E]

Tibet, you know, Cheers.

[A]

Either pro or anti, just to them in general.

[F]

I don't really know what Tiananmen Square was.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think it was yet.

[G]

You've been there.

[E]

I've been there.

[B]

Have you?

[E]

I have.

[A]

Oh, with Donnie?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

What were you guys doing out in the square?

[E]

We were. We were trying to make stuff, and it was a mistake. They take that spot pretty darn seriously.

[B]

What did you do?

[E]

Well, we showed up in front of the gigantic mural of Mao.

[F]

You thought it was Dealey Plaza.

[E]

We unfurled a Saturdays or for the boys flag. And the second that we got it taught, a dozen guards descended upon us and brought us, like, apprehended us and brought us over to a guard station. None of them spoke any English, and so there was this angry Chinese discourse happening. Now, again, all of the way that they speak sounds angry to me. So they might have just been speaking in normal tones, but they would pass us on to the next superior officer who spoke slightly more English and finally got kicked all the way up to some guy who showed up in a full suit. He's wearing, like, a. Yeah, a suit and a tie. And he. He said, what are you guys doing here? And we were like, are we. We're making a show for our soccer team back home. And he said, what does your flag mean? Saturdays are for the boys. And we said, well, we have our. We have our home games for our team on Saturdays. And so this is just us showing our team for the home. You know, like, we wanted to celebrate that we would travel here. And he. He said, okay, don't come back. And he took the flag and we had to go. And then when we got back to our hotel rooms, our rooms had been gone through.

[C]

Holy.

[F]

Are you for real?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Damn.

[E]

Like, our bags were open in Boston. That's right. That's right. The mini bars were empty.

[G]

Do you think if it was known that it was barstool, they would have acted differently? Oh, yeah.

[C]

They're big stools.

[E]

Yeah. Kind of the worst. I don't know. I mean, you know, we. We very quickly realized that we were up against something bigger than we wanted to mess around with the Chinese government.

[A]

But Donnie had been doing that the whole time, though.

[E]

I know, but this was, like, that area in particular. Tiananmen Square is a place that you don't. You don't make a scene.

[B]

Sensitive, Sally.

[A]

Isn't that what just happened to Hassan or something?

[B]

Besides that one time, Hasan Piker?

[F]

I don't know.

[A]

Hasan was, like, shopping dogging Are we.

[D]

Still working on all this stuff or.

[A]

Could I box it up for you?

[D]

Do you have any dressings? I do at balsamic vinaigrette.

[E]

Don't you dare.

[D]

Got Caesar.

[G]

Big mama's dressing.

[D]

Don't have that.

[A]

Shout out.

[E]

Big mom.

[D]

Got his ass. Never mind, I'm good.

[C]

Can I bother you for some sort of hottie toddy or something? You have like anything hot. Oh, my Lord, Tommy.

[F]

Like a toddy?

[B]

Hot toddy.

[E]

Hot toddy.

[C]

Yeah, hot toddy.

[E]

That's what I said.

[C]

No, they say it like, yeah, that's a Slick Rick. So now. Or yeah, something like that. But I don't like whiskey that much.

[E]

You could get a. You get an Irish coffee.

[G]

That's a good idea.

[F]

You're trying to like unclog your nest.

[E]

They can make that. Yeah.

[G]

An espresso martini on that same.

[E]

Oh, I'll have an espresso martini. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[C]

Such a fucking pest.

[A]

It is annoying. Sass. How about your toast?

[E]

My toast?

[C]

Well, my toast is to. I'd like to thank Drake May for all he's done for the Patriots this year. It's improved my life. Shout out to solely as well. He's also a part of my toast and. Yeah, that's it.

[A]

Almost bad.

[C]

Oh, that was a toast to Drake May.

[B]

I don't know what.

[F]

It's a real fire.

[C]

Is it? It's a fire.

[B]

I like its ass. I didn't think. I didn't think you were a big sports guy.

[E]

He doesn't look like it, but for.

[B]

Some reason I thought he just.

[D]

Did you just get into it?

[A]

Yeah, he just did.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

He didn't used to be.

[C]

No, this is a first year thing for me.

[A]

It was a barstool thing. I feel like barstool kind of unlocked the sports in.

[D]

You could have koi under.

[E]

Under. Don't be fools. Under that suit. He is a serious athlete.

[A]

He's an undercover athlete.

[E]

Kind of came to realizing this. He wants to put off this error that he's not. But he is actually spectacularly coordinated.

[A]

You know how like Shane's worth like nine figures but he like still wears free T shirts and stuff like that. You know what I mean? It's like he's going for the same.

[F]

He could have been an athlete the whole time is what you're saying.

[E]

He has been an athlete the whole time.

[G]

Fly fishing a sport?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, I think so. The river whipped that thing around.

[E]

Great book.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

His golf.

[E]

I read the book first and then I saw the Movie and then I reread the book.

[B]

You ever watch Lords of this or read Lords of Discipline?

[E]

No.

[B]

It's a good ass book.

[E]

Is it now?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What fun. I read that.

[E]

Yeah, it's good. No chance. Words of Discipline.

[A]

What is it, Bill?

[D]

You want to explain it?

[B]

Forget it, dude. You've already played a spark notes.

[E]

Harry starts books and doesn't finish them.

[A]

He's a bookstarter.

[C]

Along with 99 of people on the planet.

[A]

The hood say 99 of people.

[E]

I have a hard time opening a book and not finishing it. Even if I hate it. That's my problem.

[C]

Must be nice. Sucks.

[E]

Sorry.

[B]

Seemed like you could really turn it on once the book opens.

[E]

Well, sometimes you read a bad book and then you're stuck in it.

[B]

Nah, I just.

[F]

Is he watching around you?

[A]

Bamboo?

[E]

I can't bail. I don't give up on people.

[A]

That's nice. That's really nice.

[C]

Yeah, well, books aren't people. So start giving up.

[G]

Are you like LeBron James where he like holds a book?

[D]

Yeah, exactly. Like what's that book about?

[A]

He's like.

[C]

I read the first 10 pages and then I falls under my bed and I never see it again.

[B]

I just read a 300 page book in three days.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Rise and fall in the hell.

[B]

No, it's like 900 pages, 19 lies. It's very good.

[A]

What was it called again?

[B]

Moving. Dr. Brian's artist moving beyond COVID 19 lies. Actually, you would think it's weird that a bat could cough and get you a respiratory illness, right?

[D]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Would it make more sense if maybe they synthesized snake venom from the krait snake in China and the king cobra snake in China, and then that got into the waters and then people started actually getting venom in them. And if you look up the symptoms of a snakebite victim and long Covid person, it's exactly the same. And if you start taking some things, you actually get rid of the vaccine you put in.

[C]

Anything to say for yourself, Dustin?

[E]

Yeah, I was gonna say Dustin's parents have an amazing snake cobra recipe.

[B]

Crate snake.

[C]

Yes.

[G]

Confirm nor deny.

[C]

So are you saying the snake. The vaccine is snake venom.

[A]

It's two snake venoms.

[C]

Look up.

[B]

I believe it in the vaccine. Guess What? Isn't it COVID 19?

[C]

Of course.

[F]

All of our medicines are like sea urchin venom, snake Venom.

[A]

Late 90s.

[E]

Because I'm going to be honest with you, I'm currently not covered for the medication that's been working for me.

[D]

What's it end with?

[B]

Venom no more for like blood pressure. Like that.

[E]

Okay. All right.

[A]

It's out of Prill.

[D]

So you're good.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Long term. I think honestly that they sound equally like incredible.

[C]

What?

[A]

That it would be a bat coughing or a snake venom in the water.

[C]

Impossible.

[A]

What snake venom in the water is.

[F]

Well, there's no such thing as air viruses.

[B]

They started testing fecal, like people's. Like, I'm not a scientist, but. And they would find like six different venoms in the. And they would say how the. Could you have sick. You would have to go to the bottom of the ocean, get stung by one of those snails, get bit by a snake, and then get hit by a starfish and then have. That would be in your. If that happens, physically impossible.

[A]

Holy.

[C]

I didn't.

[A]

I didn't realize all that. Yeah. You know what point this 300 pages. I feel like I just got 290 of the pages.

[F]

Not even close. Nicotine's good for you.

[A]

Wait, what nicotine patches is going to get rid of.

[C]

They're good for you.

[A]

For what?

[B]

Start getting sick. If you have. If people are suffering from. Is it macular degeneration when your eyesight goes bad?

[E]

Yeah, ocular.

[B]

Ocular. What's macular degeneration?

[A]

Same thing.

[E]

No idea.

[B]

It. The. If people are going blind with nicotine packs and stuff, they're actually regaining their sight. If you're having an adverse event to the event.

[E]

I have a really bad sty right now.

[A]

Maybe a little nicotine.

[C]

Who gives a fuck?

[A]

Does anyone have a Zen?

[E]

Does anyone have a Lucy? Do you have a nicotine patch for my eye?

[A]

Can you put a Lucy on his eye?

[E]

Oh, of course.

[B]

Philip Morris brands.

[E]

How.

[G]

How strong are those?

[C]

Marissa says everyone's kidding.

[B]

No, I'm dead serious.

[E]

I'm not gonna put a Lucy on my eye.

[A]

Didn't you just stop using nicotine and you got really sick? No, I'm news.

[C]

I use nicotine.

[B]

Oh, no, the. What I don't like when they say, like, people try to get you and go, oh, nicotine's good for you. Cigarettes are bad pyrozine and cigarettes is what is addictive. So when you're smoking a cigarette, not nicotine. There's nicotine in all night. Shaved vegetables, eggplants, tomatoes.

[C]

How many? How much what at what scale, though? How much nicotine?

[B]

I know, dude. Eat some potatoes. Figure it out. You might get a buzz.

[A]

They taught you this at Notre Dame or.

[D]

No, this one book. This is one book.

[F]

Imagine if you read the classics.

[A]

Imagine the Library of Alexandria.

[F]

Imagine if you guys hands on it. Dangerous. Oh, dangerous.

[A]

Now you're talking.

[B]

Very good, though. You can't get it out of your system if you want to. If not, I mean.

[C]

So are you guys big on nicotine now?

[B]

I just do patches. I don't do like the.

[C]

So you're just going patch. Where is it at?

[B]

It was right here.

[A]

Look at all seven for the shoe.

[B]

Oh, yeah. How does it be locked in? What?

[C]

How does it, like, does it. How does it feel? I don't feel.

[B]

Just doing it for the best.

[C]

So you're starting your nicotine journey on the patch?

[B]

No, I around with zids. Made me feel like after a while.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ruined your gut microbiome.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Lucy's don't make me feel like. Exactly.

[B]

Philip Morris. Can't trust them.

[A]

Lucy's make you feel incredible.

[C]

They make you feel like super rich. People say, oh, it's bad to be addicted to. You could be addicted to apples.

[B]

You could.

[A]

I'm addicted to breathing.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

I'm addicted to beer.

[A]

And porn. What if there is a new porn, though?

[B]

I thought about that. A guilt free porn. There will be cruelty free porn.

[F]

If you have sex, you make kids and they call like, dude, this is just all the money forever.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

And you're an absolute piece of. You're like, yo, I don't want this.

[A]

Yeah, you can't say that. You can't say it. You're like, not allowed.

[F]

You jerk off.

[E]

Boom.

[D]

Later.

[F]

Nothing.

[A]

It's. It's crazy that still money.

[E]

Still have your money.

[F]

Still my money. Yo, what's up?

[D]

Oh.

[F]

What are you doing?

[B]

I don't know.

[F]

I was just chilling.

[D]

What's up? What's up with you?

[B]

But he's funded by big jerk off.

[A]

You know, there's like 32, like gigabytes of data in every jerk off.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard about that.

[F]

I'm on a stack right now to make mega loads.

[B]

He's on his Peter North.

[E]

Shit.

[A]

Why are you trying to make megaloads after you just had a kid?

[F]

Just to see if I can do it. Just to see it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Zinc. Yes.

[B]

You a brother?

[C]

Oh, yeah. I'm a Megalode.

[D]

My phone's in the other room.

[F]

I'll show you the stack later.

[E]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

How do you guys catch your cup?

[E]

What do you do with your cup?

[C]

Apology. Jeez. Yes.

[E]

Oh, gosh.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I'm trying to get him to.

[A]

Francis. Thank you for.

[E]

I mean, we have more food coming. I don't know. My guest is batting 1000 right now.

[A]

This hasn't been missed. He's been very.

[B]

My nose in my hand. What do you think?

[D]

How do you catch a come? I don't still see outside my sexual.

[C]

I. L. My stomach with tissue.

[B]

Disgusting.

[C]

Then I keep another tissue and I try to cash it in the tissue, but in case the little flies out lands right on my tummy. This sucks.

[E]

What's happening right now?

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

Tell me we have female viewership.

[F]

Yeah, sorry.

[C]

Yeah, they all just are blasting themselves. First ever son of a Boy dead episode where women are coming. I apologize. I can send him away.

[D]

Yeah, you could.

[B]

There's nothing wrong with that.

[A]

Just gripping a martini like it's an apple juice. 5 fingers clasping on the martini.

[C]

You should have seen how he was cutting his bacon.

[A]

What? What are you saying?

[C]

He holds his fork like this. Yeah, I don't cut very.

[A]

Also, my guest just dropped a nuke on us. He said he hasn't. Go ahead.

[B]

Jerk. Since February.

[A]

Since February, Yep.

[B]

No por.

[C]

Stopped you.

[A]

Here comes some beautiful steaks. I think it's time to move on to the tails portion. If anyone has a tail, I feel like now would be an incredible time.

[D]

To do a toast.

[E]

I. I did. I toast.

[A]

That's fine.

[C]

But we're on to tails now, so you can do a tail.

[E]

Okay. Am I the only one who hasn't toasted?

[C]

Yes.

[E]

All right, well, I'll give my toast. Let's just make sure the meat's in front of us first.

[C]

Understood.

[E]

Thank you very much.

[B]

Garlic cloves.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Rare, just like I like it.

[A]

Yeah. Bloody.

[C]

That's blood. Francis thought we needed a third steak. This is plenty.

[E]

This is more than enough.

[A]

Yeah, these are four steaks.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Sublime sous vide. Four hour cook.

[D]

That is correct.

[A]

Wow. Unbelievable.

[D]

Perfect temperature.

[E]

135.

[A]

This is a big sous vide.

[D]

Club sodas.

[A]

But if we're sitting, I'd love to hear. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the sous vide.

[B]

I'm not begging on.

[G]

I'm not against it. I have a friend who. Just like, he'd murder me if he caught me.

[D]

If I ever.

[G]

Yeah, if he ever did it. He would.

[B]

I've ever.

[E]

Just like.

[G]

This is not cooking. This is not.

[A]

Well, they said. They said you could do it in the. In a dishwasher. And that gives me pause.

[C]

That gives you pause.

[A]

That gives me pause. That you can sous vide in the dishwasher. Yeah, because you're consuming anything.

[D]

I've never heard that.

[B]

But what if you got the steak and put it in a mason jar, and then Close the Mason jar, then put it in. That's all glass.

[E]

Is that actually gonna make it even through?

[D]

That looks good. Wow.

[C]

Let me be the first to say wow.

[E]

Oh, you said. You're saying. But you still. Would the Mason jar be filled with water?

[C]

No.

[B]

No.

[E]

Then why. Then it wouldn't touch every part of the voiceover.

[B]

I think everything that sits in the water turns.

[E]

But then just the glasses. Just the glass would be.

[B]

I'm not here to argue.

[F]

If you're like, a young elite, like, how do they make steaks? Like, what's the proper way to make green?

[E]

If I were to do it like.

[F]

A young elite, like, when you're growing up, what were they feeding?

[E]

I mean, huge hamstring. I think it's.

[C]

I think it's a young child grilling. Or you.

[E]

You sear it in a cast iron and finish in the oven.

[A]

A sear.

[C]

A traditional sear would be the way.

[E]

That I would do. But I got a sous vide recently, and sous vide does ensure that you don't over cook ever.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Which is nice.

[B]

And if you're like, set it and forget traffic, nothing happens because you still get home, the steak's 135 degrees exactly.

[E]

Two or four hours, it'll be the same. But you don't want it to just be at that temperature forever.

[A]

Your toast.

[E]

Okay. I think there's more food coming as well.

[A]

I think just. I. I think.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

I believe you're due for a toast and a tail.

[E]

When all's said and done we're here with friends proud to be strong young foolish men who's to say when or how this night may end? But for now, drink it down and fill it up again.

[D]

These two guys are the Lobster Max.

[C]

Lobster Max.

[G]

Is that not the Lobster Max?

[F]

Have you ever done your genealogy? Are you related to Tom Hanks or Hillary Clinton? Clinton.

[B]

They all track back to a Donald.

[F]

Trump and Hillary Clinton are cousins.

[D]

Is that right?

[B]

Eighteen cousins.

[E]

Come on.

[F]

They all go back to, like, Prince Eng or Prince.

[C]

What's his name?

[A]

Prince England.

[B]

Yeah, Prince England.

[F]

You know what's crazy? Trump's from the mClouds. Which is the Highlander.

[B]

That's sweet.

[F]

That's good.

[G]

You guys have incredible deep knowledge.

[D]

I don't know. Have you heard of Grock?

[A]

The only surface knowledge is about the depth of Lake Okeechobee. Yeah.

[B]

No. Also, if you go into Lake Okeechobee, you gotta watch out for the gators.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Load of gators in Okeechobee.

[C]

Highest gator population in the I Think so, yeah.

[G]

Are you guys grok people?

[B]

Not at all. He's a grok man. I don't feed the beast.

[F]

I'm a big highland guy, so he got me with the brand loyalty.

[C]

But I'm the same way. I don't feed the beast either.

[A]

Why?

[C]

I'm AI free.

[A]

No, no you're not.

[C]

Yes, I am.

[A]

You Google?

[B]

Yeah. If you Google, you're not AI free.

[C]

No, I'm not. I'm on Go.

[A]

Go.

[B]

No, you DuckDuckGo sucks so much ass.

[A]

I've watched you Google. I watched you Google recently.

[B]

Yeah, Think harder.

[C]

What's this?

[A]

Butter maybe. Holland Danes, Bernays. That's I think. What? That's why we didn't want Tommy to talk about his coming too much, because we knew the Bernays was on the way.

[C]

Everyone was basically begging me to talk.

[E]

About how I come.

[B]

I appreciate you being honest.

[A]

A tail. A tail, Francis.

[E]

Oh, right into it.

[F]

I'm gonna say it more something than me.

[A]

I could tell my brother's a tale.

[E]

Tell us a tale.

[C]

Tell a tale.

[A]

I can tell a tale. A tale that happened to me. I went to a wedding in Ethiopia one time, Dustin. A wedding in Ethiopia. And weddings in Ethiopia are beautiful ordeals, multi city ordeals. And you go from one city to a next with every celebration being bigger than the last one. And our last one was in Addis Ababa, the most populous city in Ethiopia. Beautiful city. And the groom obviously was occupied. This is his wedding. So he sent us off to the district of the city where you shop for wedding garments. And every part of the city of Addis Ababa is separated into different districts. There's the toilet district, there's the, you know, wedding garment district where we went to with no translator. And we went and we shopped and we had nobody telling us what things should cost or how much time we should spend. But we went to find traditional Ethiopian garb for this wedding. And we got dressed head to toe in this beautiful traditional Ethiopian garb for this wedding. And it was like a blue short sleeve, frayed. My wife had a headdress with a head ornament on. And they promised us that this would be what we're supposed to wear to the Ethiopian wedding. And we got inside the Ethiopian wedding kind of burst through the doors and everybody was wearing regular clothes. And we were the only people at the Ethiopian wedding, the only whites there and the only people in traditional Ethiopian garb. They had made fools of us. And everybody just came up through the night like taking pictures with us. And not only did we wear the wrong clothes? But we wore the wrong ethnic sect within Ethiopia. So this wasn't even their tribe of people that wear these specific diadems on their.

[C]

Oh my God.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

Did you like seeing your chick like that though?

[A]

It was. She looked fly as hell. She looked absolutely. Yeah, she was very. It was like she was jasmined out and it was like, honestly true.

[E]

This is a real story.

[B]

Real.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And so who punk you?

[A]

I don't even think he knew that he was punking. But it was the groom that. The groom. Sadat. Sadat Mahmoud that sent us on this watch. Wild goose chase.

[E]

Sadat Hussein.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Did they think it was funny?

[G]

I gotta take a page out of his book.

[A]

Yeah, he really should. Because if you ever have the opportunity to. I mean like, we. We look like bellhops at like the Polynesian resort in Disney World. Like, we were dressed like such assholes and everybody was suited and booted like they were coming to a regular U.S. wedding. They were all dressed like sass and we were dressed like absolute fucking men.

[C]

There's something funny about that.

[B]

No disrespect.

[A]

We were dressed like. Absolutely. A true tale and one of deep embarrassment. Yeah. Deep, deep embarrassment.

[E]

Lobster Mac and cheese. Good story there. Good tail.

[C]

That is a good tail.

[A]

That's a nice tail. A nice tail. You know, just get the ball rolling in the tail. The least I could do.

[D]

Mac and cheese.

[B]

This is a Mac and cheese, Is it? That's Mac and cheese.

[A]

So what is a lobster magic?

[F]

This is regular Macs.

[A]

So this is just a standard.

[D]

Yeah, that's potatoes, bro.

[A]

That's a potato. Okay, I think that might be a potato.

[F]

Hey, man, why are you asking me about food? J.C. you know where I'm at, bro.

[B]

Mentally.

[D]

Mentally with food.

[B]

I mean, poison ivied up.

[C]

You got the ivy.

[F]

Yeah, I just don't know a lot about food either. I just eat it.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He said he has the poison ivy on his.

[F]

Yeah, that's my whole. I have a whole situation.

[E]

You need some tips.

[C]

I'm getting really itchy too.

[B]

Where was not contagious.

[C]

No, I don't have poison ivy. I think my skin's just dry. Brooklyn. No, I just wake up and I'm itchy. But it's not a big deal.

[A]

I was itchy a little bit earlier and I put. I'll dab apple cider vinegar right on the itch.

[B]

Very crunchy.

[A]

Isn't that crunchy?

[C]

You guys should try lotion.

[A]

Nah, nah, I'm not with that shit, bro. Lotion's insane.

[D]

A Diddy juice.

[A]

Yeah. I'm not going to dip into the Diddy juice. That's all misinformation.

[G]

Do you guys see that documentary?

[C]

No. Oh, yeah.

[A]

They're just celebrating a black man's downfall.

[F]

Don't compare that to Michael Jackson.

[B]

Yeah, he's not mj, dude. Believe me.

[A]

Yeah, he's not. Not close to as bad as mj.

[B]

No.

[A]

MJ was dealing with.

[B]

MJ was not Dylan Kidd.

[A]

No. What?

[B]

Sony was going after him. He had the rights to the Beatles.

[F]

Do you think diddy's innocent? But MJ's. Come on, man.

[A]

Look into Deleon, the liquor company that owns Ciroc, who just did a hostile takeover. Follow the money. If there's two guys I need to. You guys, I'll look into other money.

[B]

You hear the stories he did.

[D]

I just found out, John.

[A]

You hear Michael Jackson.

[F]

I just found out. Bannon's boys with Epstein. Makes me want to fucking die.

[E]

Who?

[A]

Steve Bannon.

[C]

All right.

[E]

I have a story about Steve Bannon.

[B]

Is this your tail, dude?

[E]

But it's more grounded than you'd think.

[B]

Did you guys split a kid or something?

[E]

One time.

[D]

That is not cool.

[B]

I'm not that.

[E]

I'm not that hungry.

[B]

Want to go on the camera?

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

You've outdone yourself on this, Irish.

[E]

I was at a good. There's a place on. There used to be a Place on 23rd and. And eighth called Flee Flea. It was like this Mediterranean, kind of baba ganoushi type rice. Fast, casual, fast food type place. And I went in there one night, and there was a guy ahead of me who was ordering his order, and there was a glass case. And he would, you know, over the glass case was like, the rice and the toppings and all the things, like Chipotle.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

And he was leaning over the glass.

[F]

Case, real sloppy, right?

[E]

And using his arm to hook and point.

[B]

Then he'd do that specifically to each.

[E]

Thing that he wanted. And at the end of it, they were like, do you want. I don't remember what they said. And he was like, I don't have much time. I'm going to jail anyway. And it was Steve Bannon.

[D]

Wow.

[E]

Wow. In that. In that place.

[F]

Pizza. Pizza, shit.

[B]

He's a real scumbag.

[A]

He's leaning over.

[C]

What do you do?

[B]

See a lot of that.

[F]

Ran propaganda ops on me for a couple years. He was also boys with, like, Jeffrey.

[D]

Epstein, which is crazy, but that's not.

[A]

His claim to fame.

[B]

Losing Trump's first term.

[E]

He got Trump elected, but he Was.

[A]

One of the first guys to go down. First guys to get excommunicated?

[E]

No, he was Trump's color rope from.

[D]

How are you feeling about the food, guys?

[E]

Oh, so incredible, thank you.

[C]

And you really have to yourself on the Irish coffee. All right, Tommy, you ran that one twice. Have you had it yet?

[D]

What?

[C]

You said that twice.

[D]

You heard me the first time.

[C]

I don't think he did now. I think he heard me.

[D]

He cared the second he heard you.

[A]

He just knows you haven't sipped it yet.

[C]

Really?

[A]

He has sipped it very clearly.

[C]

Sipped.

[E]

Tommy, have you been out to dinner before?

[C]

I was actually at this place about three weeks ago. Really? And I was hammer drunk and I. We went up to the speakeasy right there after. And I'm pretty sure this guy was giving riddles to. And I don't think he remembers me.

[F]

Really.

[C]

I was really drunk and I have. I figured out this new trick. I could try it on one of you.

[B]

What is it?

[F]

Yeah, riddle time this count.

[C]

I got my I got my tail or riddle. I want you to think of a number.

[E]

I wonder if he's going to remember.

[C]

This cuz I was really drunk. I want you think of a number one through ten. Don't tell me what it is. Just cap it in your.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

O. Pearlman.

[E]

Now don't get me started now.

[C]

Times it by nine.

[B]

What's a math triangle?

[C]

All right, now add up those two digits like so. If your number was 71, you would.

[B]

Yeah, gotcha.

[C]

I'm good at. Okay, great, great. Now subtract five from that number, will you? So now. Now you have a new number, right?

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Now I want you to let me know what letter of the Alphabet corresponds with that letter. Right? A would be 1, B would be 2, C would be 3, etc.

[E]

Doing the math stuff slowly, as though he's not Asian.

[G]

I gotta be honest, I think I screw up the math.

[D]

All right, you should try this one time.

[E]

I take back everything.

[C]

All right, Tommy, let's run it. All right, let's run. Let's run it.

[A]

Let's run.

[C]

Oh, me and my host. All right, think of a number, one through ten. Okay, I got it. You got it?

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Times that number by nine. Use your calculator. If you need three, you had three, you picked three.

[B]

Seth.

[C]

No, I got it. You got it. All right, now add up the digits of that number again. If Your number is 73, 7 + 3 is 10. If your number is 14, 1 + 4 is 4, 5 every multiple.

[D]

It's not over.

[C]

It's not over. Now subtract five from that. Subtract five from that.

[E]

Gonna be four.

[C]

Yeah. Now let me know. Let me know. I mean, you're ruining the trick. Now let me know what letter of the Alphabet corresponds with your new number? If A is 1, B is 2, C is 3, etc.

[D]

D. Yeah.

[C]

Think of a country that starts with that letter.

[A]

Quick.

[C]

Think of it. Don't tell me there's only one Denmark.

[D]

What are you.

[C]

There's gonna be a kangaroo in Denmar.

[A]

I do like that, though.

[C]

To orange. Owen Wilson did it on Jimmy Fallon. It was a big hit. The Denver once you said.

[A]

I tried that on the waiter a.

[C]

Few weeks ago and I think I messed it up. Once you said the country with D. I realized I've seen this song and dance before.

[E]

Are there any other countries that begin with D?

[C]

I think it's just Denmark.

[E]

Right? Djibouti would.

[A]

Pakistan. Wow.

[E]

Yeah. So then if you choose anything other than Denmark that they've lose.

[C]

Yeah. So then I. Will. Was paroling the streets and there was some guy who offered to sell me cocaine that I said, no, thanks, but do you want to see a magic drink?

[E]

No way.

[C]

And he thought Dominican Republic. So I.

[B]

That.

[E]

Oh, that's a good one.

[A]

That's way smarter than you.

[B]

Territory or country.

[A]

Francis?

[D]

Lan.

[F]

Billy, straight up.

[E]

The country. You're thinking Puerto Rico?

[C]

I'm just going to.

[E]

No, I know.

[B]

I didn't know that was all lumped down.

[F]

James. Grandpa was the ambassador to it.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

He's got a picture with jfk.

[C]

Really? Yep.

[A]

So you're not even eating the fat? Spud?

[F]

No, I'm just gonna cut that off.

[D]

So.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even for the flavor, because you're not eating carbs. You're not even fat.

[E]

I'm with spud. I don't eat the fat.

[B]

I'm with you, too, Francis.

[A]

Isn't that kind of the joy of the porterhouse?

[E]

No way.

[B]

It tastes like hot mouth.

[F]

You know, if I look like you guys, maybe I'd be ripping in the fat. If I could fit in one of these tuxes, maybe I'd rip in the fat.

[E]

Hey, the cream spinach is really good, by the way. FYI.

[A]

They want you close to earth. They want you down to earth.

[B]

I think we built. Irish guys built the pyramids. Honestly.

[C]

Irish?

[A]

Yeah. They were insane.

[D]

Fuck it.

[B]

I'll throw my hat in there.

[A]

That's a tale, too. That's a tale, too.

[D]

I love the Irish claiming they built.

[E]

You know what the Irish did build is the Brooklyn Bridge.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And what about Holland Tunnel?

[A]

We were driving through that.

[F]

I was going to think about the bodies.

[E]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I don't know the exact history of the Holland Tunnel. I would think that that probably definitely came out well after the Brooklyn Bridge. Brooklyn Bridge was at the very end of the 1800s into the turn of the century there.

[A]

Emily Warren Roebling.

[E]

Yeah. She was the wife of the young Washington Roebling. John Roebling. The father started it, and then her son took over. But what was crazy was that nobody knew about caisson sickness. Nobody knew about the bends. And so they drove these giant basically, like pressurized air chambers down into the base of the. Of the east river and had them on the riverbed. And these guys were, you know, dynamiting and digging out to drive it deeper and deeper until they reached the bedrock. And at the end of their work day, they would just come straight up through the tube and go back out to their day. Right. And if they had just taken their time, they would have been fine. But instead, they went up the ladder and didn't depressurize and didn't let the nitrogen in their blood dissipate slowly, as we know to do now. And day after day they did this. And many of them died. And they thought it was because the. They thought it was dark down there and the air circulation was bad. No, people were retarded. It was. Yeah. Bad. It was. It was.

[C]

So what happened to them?

[E]

Exploded. They all died.

[C]

They, like, blow up?

[E]

No, they would get. They would. They would pass out. They'd end up bedridden. You know, they had. They had blood poisoning. They had.

[B]

They had the bends, bro.

[E]

Nitrogen in their blood cells that would call their. Cause their blood cells to explode, I think.

[D]

Yeah, that's nasty.

[C]

It's pretty bad.

[A]

I'm getting a timing that we need to jump ahead to the. To the riddles. The riddles are the jokes. Oh, we have a riddle.

[B]

What's black, white, and red all over?

[D]

Newspaper.

[B]

Got it.

[E]

What was it?

[B]

Newspaper.

[E]

Pretty good.

[C]

Love that.

[D]

Got a joke when I was young.

[C]

When I was young, and I really didn't understand that joke. And I thought that newspapers were literally dyed red after they were black and white.

[D]

And that was really stupid of me.

[B]

See, I agree with you there.

[E]

I have one. Okay, there's a man who has a normal job. He lives alone. Every night he goes through the same routine. He goes to bed, whatever. And one night out of nowhere, he decided to change up his routine. And he goes to bed. He makes sure that everything's good. He Turns off the light, and he goes to bed. And later that night, 200 people die because of his actions. What happened?

[A]

He works at a lighthouse.

[E]

That's it. He's a lighthouse operator.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Turned off a lighthouse.

[F]

I kind of wanted to bask in the unknown.

[C]

Tommy's got our riddle. Yeah, I got our riddle. Team riddle. It's 17th century England. It's dark, stormy. It's raining. And one night, a king, a queen, and a sailor decide to get on a boat together. And they say, we're gonna. Just say it, and we're gonna get in this water anyway. And they try to sail to Ireland. Boat capsizes. The king, the queen, the sailor, all die. But there's one survivor. Who is it? And think on this one, the guy.

[F]

That, like, had the boat.

[D]

What do you guys thought about it?

[C]

Yeah. And think. I listed all the people on the boat.

[A]

This is. Take it from the top.

[C]

It's 17th century England. It's a really dark and stormy time, right? And one night, a king, a queen, and a sailor all get on this boat together. And they say, we're gonna. We're gonna sail to Ireland. They get on it. Capsizes in the ocean. The king, the queen, the sailor. They all die on the boat. But there is one survivor from the boat. Who is it?

[F]

The guy telling the story.

[D]

What the are you talking about?

[A]

I like that. The guy telling the story. The guy telling the story.

[E]

The king, the queen, and the sailor are gonna be, like, playing cards or something. Something.

[C]

No. Stupid, stupid death.

[E]

I think I'm on the hunt there.

[D]

Dare I say. Not even close.

[C]

Tommy, reveal. Reveal the answer, please. All right, this time I'll parse it a different way. It's 17th century England. It's dark and stormy. One night, a night decay. King, a queen, and a sailor get on a boat. It capsizes. One survives.

[A]

It's the night.

[E]

Yeah. Well, who's the sailor on the chessboard?

[B]

What?

[C]

What the. I'm just saying.

[B]

A knight. Just a knight. Like, knit or KN I g H. Oh, okay.

[E]

I'm sorry. Just one K. As soon as you really emphasize the K, I thought, all right, we're king, queen, knight, chessboard.

[C]

That was brilliant.

[A]

A quick riddle. What is always on the ground?

[C]

I feel like t. I feel like.

[D]

Let's clap it up on that one. Really?

[A]

On the delivery.

[C]

Watch back the tape. You'll say, I said, yeah, One night, a king, a queen, and a sailor. And I really put that one night under my breath. It's all in delivery. Francis, next time you do the lighthouse.

[E]

For the sake of parallelism, you should have said, one night, one queen and one sailor.

[C]

Yeah, I'll make it easier for everybody to run it.

[E]

You'd be speaking in proper syntax there.

[F]

I wonder what it's like when you're in a room of Francis's.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

At the skull bones. What is always on the ground but never gets dirty?

[G]

Shoes.

[A]

No, I'm pretty sure they get dirty as.

[D]

Dude, what are you talking about?

[A]

You're never on the ground. True. No. Dirt does get dirty.

[D]

Grass gets dirty as well.

[E]

Worms.

[B]

Dirt is dirty.

[A]

Always on the ground, but never gets to the ground. Gets dirty. Dirt gets dirty as hell. Always on the ground but never gets dirty.

[F]

God, why did God made me so dumb?

[C]

What's the key word here? What's the key word? Mine. Who was a knight? Nobody.

[A]

There's no sneakery. There's no sneakery at all. Always on the ground but never gets dirty. Nothing makes you feel smart like saying a riddle that you didn't write. But knowing the answer.

[C]

Wait.

[A]

Always on the ground but never gets dirty.

[F]

If I can explain to you how no thoughts happen in my head.

[C]

I got nothing.

[A]

It's close to impossible.

[B]

LeBron James.

[A]

I have to reveal. It's a shadow. It never gets dirty.

[F]

That's like a hobbit level.

[A]

That's hobbit level. Do you have your Hobbit one?

[F]

No, my phone's charging.

[A]

I guess you're absolved. Are we finished with the riddle? Should we move on to the jokes?

[B]

My joke's kind of a riddle, too.

[A]

Perfect. Perfect segue. This is the perfect incredible segue.

[E]

Doesn't exist.

[F]

We failed you. I did not know it was this big of a deal.

[B]

What's Old Brown and sits up in the attic?

[E]

Old Brown and sits up in the attic?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it going to be like my.

[G]

Grandpa shit, you haven't taken in days.

[B]

Diarrhea Van Prank.

[A]

That's a bit of a joke.

[B]

That's a little bit of a riddle, too.

[E]

I like that. I like that.

[A]

Love that.

[C]

Very fun. Very fun.

[A]

You can keep going.

[B]

Yeah, I can go.

[C]

Hit us with a couple more.

[B]

What do you call fish with no eyes And Frank? Hippo. Elephant and rhino combined.

[C]

Good.

[A]

Hippo, elephant, a rhino combined.

[B]

Hell, I know.

[A]

God damn it.

[B]

Like I said, I go all night.

[C]

All night. You need with a couple more? Give me two more.

[B]

Two more.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. He good. No, don't make him. These are my guests. Have your guests do something.

[E]

What do you call a deer?

[C]

I have a joke, but I'm Afraid it's too racist.

[E]

What do you. What do you call it? Skip it.

[A]

Skip it.

[E]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

[B]

No idea. No idea.

[E]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

[D]

Roadkill.

[E]

Still no idea.

[F]

What?

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Still no idea. Oh, see?

[E]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?

[C]

No ider.

[A]

What is it?

[E]

Still no fucking idea.

[C]

I like that one.

[E]

That's pretty fun.

[C]

I like that.

[A]

So what's a.

[C]

You ever try that on stage?

[A]

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

[D]

R. You think it's the R, but.

[A]

Actually it's the C.

[B]

I do.

[E]

Come up with it.

[A]

No, you got to do it in the Paradise. Came up with. All right.

[C]

Tommy has one that he says is racist. Well, let's pretend like at this point I've had a 12.

[A]

All right, let's hear Dustin.

[F]

Let's hear Dustin.

[C]

I've had a 12 year Anthony Jelneck type career, and it's okay for me to say, oh, no, no, no. We'll skip, we'll skip. So I live in a really good neighborhood, right. But there was actually a blackout my town last night. Don't worry, cops got him.

[E]

I like it. I like it.

[C]

Not bad. That's not bad.

[D]

That's not bad.

[C]

I wrote that one myself, which, I don't know.

[E]

Did you actually. That's not bad. Dude, I don't hate that joke at all. That's not a bad joke.

[C]

It's like a curb thing where like. Like he's online and he's like, oh, there's a black. I'm. I thought there's a black lady comes up behind him. She's like, you know, she gets the wrong.

[A]

All right, if we're doing absolute filth, this is one I heard from a West Virginian yesterday. How do you. A fat girl.

[F]

I can't say it, but I can show you.

[A]

You start flipping through the folds till you smell and go back.

[E]

One.

[A]

From someone from West Virginia.

[B]

Very nasty.

[A]

Someone from. From West Virginia, Mac.

[D]

Very nasty.

[E]

Dustin, did you have a joke?

[A]

No.

[C]

Dustin.

[A]

Dustin's our guest.

[E]

You don't have to tell a joke.

[A]

He's our guest. He's really our guest.

[G]

Funny.

[E]

Great.

[G]

You've heard this before. And it's true because there is no l in the Japanese language.

[E]

Apparently.

[G]

The founder.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

On purpose.

[G]

Yeah, because he wanted Japanese people.

[D]

You know, it's crazy Tail Riddle.

[F]

Larry Ellison loves Japan culture, but you.

[D]

Couldn'T even say his name.

[F]

It'd be Everson.

[E]

Harry, Son. Every song joke.

[C]

Oh, Tommy did ours.

[D]

Yours?

[A]

No, no, Sass. You need to end with one.

[C]

End with a joke.

[F]

A Christmas joke.

[A]

A Christmas joke. An original electronica joke.

[C]

Oh, man, that's tough. It kind of put me on the spot.

[A]

Yeah, no, totally.

[C]

A Christmas joke. Tommy, you got anything?

[E]

Christmas?

[C]

No, no, I got another one. I looked up and I spruced up. It has nothing to do with Christmas. Christmas.

[F]

All right, well, what about that one Christmas tree?

[C]

Okay, hit me with it. One night I was really, really horny and I was out, like, in downtown, like, looking for some prostitutes or something. But I didn't see.

[D]

Holy, dude, I did see a sign.

[C]

I did see a sign that said watch for children. I thought to myself, I guess I don't need this Rolex anymore.

[A]

And, guys, that's been safe night.

[D]

Thank you guys so much.

[C]

I traded the watch in for children.

[F]

We get it, dude.

[A]

Thank you guys so much. For Billy and Spud, for Dustin, for Tommy Smokes, for Francis, for Sass, and for myself, a happy new Year and a happy holidays from your friends over at Son of a Boy. Dad. Cheers.

[G]

Cheers.

[C]

It's good.

[B]

Mac and Ch.

[C]

A joke so good it shut the show.