The Tickle Monster | Son of a Boy Dad #381

Summary

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Son of a Boy Dad #381: "The Tickle Monster"

Date: March 5, 2026
Hosts: Lil Sasquatch (Sass), Rone, Harry, Francis
Producer: Barstool Sports

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Episode Overview

This episode is a quintessential freewheeling Son of a Boy Dad hangout, mixing gym talk, manhood, and male health with offbeat tangents: household appliances, poorly made milks, the absurdity of adulthood, and spiraling midlife existentialism. Dropout Sass looks for “guidance” from his co-hosts/producers, notably Rone and Francis, on how to navigate life, define masculinity, and form healthy routines. “Present Tuesday” makes an appearance, listeners get the lowdown on the hazards of modern health products, and the gang debates what it truly means to be a man—complete with deadpan jokes about serial killers, awkward birthdays, and a deep dive on the social age limit for tickling.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fitness, Stretching, and Male Health Rituals

• Sass’ Gym Journey: Sass talks about getting back into the gym for the first time in years, specifically deadlifts and how gym routines are created more by what's available than planning.
  • “The gym’s always crowded, so you can’t even have a plan…” (07:00, Roan)
• Stretching & Aging: Francis schools the younger hosts on the necessity of stretching, especially as you hit your mid-30s.
  • “This is the difference in being 36, 37 to 24: stretching.” (04:54, Francis)
• Deadlift Methodology: Francis recommends descending ladder deadlifts to build explosiveness and compliments Roan for getting after it.

2. Masculinity, Explosiveness, and Vanity Lifting

• Why Exercise?: Jokingly, the group decides “exploding” and being able to defend yourself is why men should lift.
  • “If I were to get jacked and then get in a physical altercation… my muscles are going to be jello.” (09:37, Roan)
  • “Exploding… and to hopefully be able to defend yourself when you need to.” (09:21, Roan)

3. Quitting Vices, “Self-Care,” and Unreliable Health Trends

• Health ‘Journeys’: Roan claims to be on a health journey—quitting vaping (again), eating more salads—and the group debates the cyclical futility of quitting bad habits.
• Caffeine & Alt-Milks: Spirals into a hilarious coffee segment where Francis details making a pistachio milk latte for his Polish cleaning lady, hiding the alternative milk out of politeness.
  • “I made her a proper latte… with pistachio milk… I kept the label away from her.” (15:40, Francis)
• Alternative Milks: Mockery about the thinness and questionable composition of almond milk (“It’s just water!”) leads to a full takedown of nut ‘milks’ and the search for the perfect barista blend.

4. Present Tuesday and Podcast Traditions

• Francis brings in a broken Kevin Stevens bobblehead, which becomes a running gag about failed gifts, fixing things, and weaponized guilt if guests break it.

5. Podcaster Beef & Internet Factions

• Roan and Harry discuss a minor tiff with Spittin’ Chiclets, where Sass has been labeled “a pigeon,” and recount a (possibly) hypothetical airport altercation.
  • “His dad would have put you in a headlock 20 years ago…” (27:28, Harry)
• The group laughs off the trash talk and jokes about lawsuits, headlocks, and generational aggression.

6. Big City Paranoia & Quirky Neighbor Stories

• Subway Anxiety: Roan confesses subway terrorism paranoia, inspecting anyone “who might have explosives,” drawing out Francis’ surprise at Roan’s daily commute.
• Neighbor Antics: Francis and Roan swap stories of drunken neighbors, including repeated incidents of one neighbor passing out in front of Roan’s door.

7. Serial Killers & Gendered Stereotypes

• Francis riffs on the constant online jokes labeling him a “serial killer” for being well-groomed.
  • “I love it when people just constantly say that I must be a serial killer because I’m shaven.” (35:42, Francis)
• The discussion derails (hilariously) into whether serial killers are ever hot, what movies get wrong, and women’s fascination with true crime.

8. Consumerism, Gifts, and the Non-Celebration of Birthdays

• Spending Sprees: Talk of buying expensive gadgets and sleep aids leads to a candid discussion about materialism, buying for oneself, and the diminishing returns of self-gifting.
• Birthday Apathy: Francis ponders if he should even acknowledge his birthday anymore, reflecting on loneliness versus self-celebration.
  • “It’s been so long since someone was appreciative that I was alive on my birthday…” (79:34, Francis)
• What Would Make You Feel Appreciated?: They conclude they don’t know, and that men often buy what they want, leaving nothing for friends/family to actually give them.

9. Riffs on Language, AI, and the Changing World

• Multiple playful arguments about the pronunciation of “raw,” “barista,” and how regional dialects create odd words like “diabetis.”
• The dangers and amusement of deepfakes and viral AI videos: “People are not having fun. They’re intentionally being duplicitous.” (46:22, Harry)
• Cynicism toward tech moguls: Sam Altman, AI, and government collusion.

10. Lighthearted Bits & Standout Tangents

• Tickle Monster Debate: The team analyzes the “tickle age limit,” whether adults are ticklish, and the universally awkward transition from tickling as joy to tickling as assault.
  • “If I tried to tickle Harry right now, he would end the podcast.” (72:35, Francis)
• Middle Age, Renaissance Men & 14-Year-Olds: A purposely dark comic tangent about being a Renaissance man in the 1500s, societal norms, and refrigeration.
• Comedy Nepotism: Jokes about comedian’s kids not following in their fathers’ footsteps the way athlete’s children do.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the futility of planning at the gym:
  “You just go based on whatever people aren’t using. You’re like, ok, I guess I’m doing that today.” (07:00, Roan)

• On aging & stretching:
  “This is the difference in being 36, 37 to 24—stretching.” (04:54, Francis)

• On quitting vaping:
  “You know what they say about quitting vaping. It’s how many times you do it, not for how long.” (11:16, Francis)

• Francis on the perfect alternative milk:
  “…it was pistachio milk…looks like ceiling cloth…tough to steam, tough to texture. My latte art was not good.” (16:02, Francis)

• On “Present Tuesday”—gift giving ritual:
  “This is like a Horcrux…we have to put your two things together.” (22:09, Harry)
  “This is almost like a war crime of some sort.” (24:08, Roan)

• On being labeled a “serial killer” by online fans:
  “It’s like, oh, you don’t think that guy over there…unkempt, doesn’t smell good…that guy’s the one killing people.” (36:00, Francis)

• On birthday loneliness:
  “It’s been so long since someone was appreciative that I was alive on my birthday that I actually think I’m dying.” (79:34, Francis)

• On tickling as an adult:
  “If I tried to tickle Harry right now, he would end the podcast… [Tickling] definitely becomes assault after a certain age.” (72:35, Francis / 72:18, Francis)
  “It’s a runaway train of tickling.” (74:49, Harry)

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• Male fitness & gym talk: 02:36 – 09:32
• Aging & stretching wisdom: 04:54 – 05:54
• Alt-milks & “barista” debate: 14:48 – 19:06
• Present Tuesday: 22:00 – 25:00
• Podcaster beef & headlock fantasy: 25:12 – 28:03
• Quirky neighbor stories: 30:07 – 33:41
• Serial killer/Self-care bit: 35:40 – 39:15
• Tickle Monster debate: 72:12 – 75:33
• Birthday existentialism: 79:11 – 84:59
• Buying sprees & self-treating: 84:33 – 85:46

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Style & Tone

Consistently irreverent, self-deprecating, and playfully masculine. The episode is rich in deadpan, callback repetition, and stream-of-consciousness humor. There’s an undercurrent of mock philosophy and failed adulthood, but always with a wink and a punchline. The group’s dynamic allows for periodic vulnerability (mostly from Francis), but always deflected into comic absurdity.

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Summary for Non-Listeners

If you missed this episode, you didn’t miss structured argument—rather, you missed the joy of three (sometimes four) dudes riffing unfiltered about everything from gym flops to broken bobbleheads to the whining loneliness of adult birthdays. Sass’s “rudderlessness” is a running theme, but he’s surrounded by (allegedly) wiser men who teach him nothing and everything at the same time. “The Tickle Monster” delivers prime Son of a Boy Dad: off-kilter, hilarious, sometimes dark, often oddly insightful, and above all relentlessly unserious about the serious stuff.

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Transcript

[Harry]

Hey, son of a boy. Dad Listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

[Francis]

Hey, guys, it's Francis. Look, life moves fast. Dating is a tough thing to find time for and to be intentional about. At least so I thought, until I found the League. I've found that the people I've met on the League are people I really have a lot more in common with than the people you typically find when you're just aimlessly swiping and scrolling on other dating apps instead of endless searching. I get a curated batch of profiles each day. There's less noise, less back and forth, less flakiness. These are just people I'd actually want to meet, have a conversation with, have a meal with, spend real time with, create that meaningful connection. Join me on the League, download the app and apply today. Okay, I have a lot going on, so I need my money stuff to be easy. That's why I use Acorns. It saves and invests my money without me thinking about it.

[Harry]

Acorns rounds up my everyday purchases and

[Francis]

invest the spare change automatically. Coffee investing, Uber investing. Online shopping. I regret also investing. I just swipe Acorns does the rest. Sign up now and get a 20 bonus investment. Head to acorns.com barstool or download the Acorns app. Individual customer of Acorns and receive cash compensation of Tier 1 for providing this testimonial compensation provides incentive for customer to recommend Acorns and all opinions may be biased testimonials not representative of the experience of all customers and not guarantees a future performance or success. Investment advisory products and services offered by Acorns Advisors LLC and SE registered Investment advisor. If the numbers for the podcast are higher on Monday,

[Harry]

let's start recording. This would be. This would be funny on the podcast,

[Francis]

on this fucking close.

[Roan]

They definitely won't be.

[Francis]

That will be the dagger that I put in my own neck. I'm telling you right now.

[Roan]

I'm telling you, they won't be the same numbers.

[Francis]

The numbers are higher on the frameless podcast.

[Harry]

No, the funny thing that you said was that we're like. I'm sure that you and Sass have some catching up to do.

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact.

[Harry]

The idea that we're gonna, like, catch up while you're not here.

[Francis]

Well, it's been a long time since we did an episode of the Pod. That was the original cast.

[Harry]

Yeah, well, we don't have catching up.

[Roan]

We don't have shit. That was the whole reason that we added you to the show. It's because we have nothing to talk about.

[Harry]

We're fully caught up. Trust me.

[Francis]

All right.

[Roan]

Should we get into it?

[Harry]

Let's ass. Did a hamstring workout today.

[Roan]

Whoa. My hams. My hammies are in bad shape.

[Harry]

If you're here. Violin.

[Roan]

Yeah. Literally.

[Francis]

I'm concerned about you. Imagine. Imagine what would happen to Harry if he tore hamstring.

[Roan]

That's what it felt like.

[Francis]

And I'm talking through.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's what it felt like today.

[Francis]

Like they're going to have to pull.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Back together.

[Harry]

Yeah. That would be so bad.

[Roan]

They're tight.

[Harry]

He's got his first deadlift. He felt. He felt the pop.

[Francis]

Deadlifting.

[Roan]

Well, I did a deadlift with the hex bar, which is not really.

[Francis]

That's a. That's real.

[Roan]

Yeah, but it's easy. I feel like it's easy to have good form with that.

[Francis]

Okay. What do you mean?

[Roan]

Well, I would never do. It's not straight barbell deadlift.

[Francis]

Fine. I think that's fair. I'm just saying that, like, what you're. You're trying. You're minimizing that lift. And I think that that's a. That's a good lift.

[Roan]

The heck.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I love doing that.

[Harry]

45s.

[Francis]

So 1 35.

[Roan]

5.

[Francis]

Great.

[Roan]

Didn't feel great.

[Francis]

How many. How many did you do?

[Roan]

I did three sets of eight.

[Francis]

Great.

[Roan]

Well, that was the goal.

[Harry]

He said it sounded like a car backfiring every time he bent over.

[Francis]

Oh, man. Your back is going to hurt.

[Roan]

No, it wasn't the back. Because I do good form. Because I don't want to hurt my back.

[Francis]

Yeah, don't round. Don't round.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

How do you not round? Because your back is.

[Roan]

Is round.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

You stick your ass out as far as far as you can.

[Francis]

Your back looks like a high lie stick.

[Harry]

Yeah, but it's a question mark.

[Roan]

My back rounds in. In an area that no one else's back rounds. It's not the lower back that's rounding. It's the upper back. But I did like. I did the treadmill. And then I was like, I'm. The gym was empty, so I was like, I'm gonna do some deadlifts.

[Francis]

Nice.

[Roan]

And I did the first set, and I did like eight. And I did it pretty quick. It was easy. Then I put it down and I was like, that was easy. And then, like, within four seconds, it was like. It was like someone took an ice pick to the back of my ass. Like, just two straight in my Hamstrings. And I had to just like slowly walk around for like 10 minutes and be like, oh, that doesn't feel.

[Harry]

But he won't stretch. He's refusing to stretch. Yeah, he's got to stretch.

[Francis]

Did you stretch before you did it?

[Roan]

No.

[Harry]

Oh, so dumb. At least, I mean, at least getting out there, this is.

[Francis]

And I don't. I mean this sincerely and in a non condescending or patronizing way.

[Roan]

Of course.

[Francis]

This is the difference in being 36, 37.

[Roan]

Oh, yeah.

[Francis]

To 24. Is stretching.

[Roan]

Yeah. No, I don't stretch ever.

[Francis]

Yeah. I don't know how much stretching I did when I was your age. I didn't care about it that much. Now it's more important than the stuff I do in the gym.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's what everyone says. Roan does. Like, don't you do like an hour of stretching a day?

[Harry]

I had an app and I was on a 230 day streak and I fucking, I lapsed. I like, woke up in the middle. I Woke up at 12:15. I was like, I didn't stretch. I logged onto the app and the streak was gone. Oh, yeah.

[Francis]

Oh, no.

[Harry]

Disappointing, dude. I. That was so nasty. But I love it. I mean, it's. It is the best.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Being limber. I still feel like I'm not limber.

[Roan]

Yeah, I, I. The hammies are definitely feeling tight. Was able to power through the rest of the set, though. Thank God.

[Francis]

I need you to give us a clap.

[Roan]

Oh, yeah, I didn't even.

[Harry]

So you look. You lifted too. You got a workout in.

[Francis]

I'm sorry, what is it? What's happening here?

[Roan]

All right, welcome back to the Son of a Boy podcast. It's. What is it? March 3rd.

[Francis]

Mine says February 26th. That's a little while.

[Roan]

I think that's off.

[Francis]

That is off.

[Roan]

I think it's the third. I don't have my phone.

[Harry]

It's got to be the fourth.

[Roan]

I left it at home today.

[Francis]

We're not going to worry about it, right? We're not going to worry about that.

[Roan]

I think it's March 3rd. It's. It's Tuesday of this week.

[Harry]

Oh, my is dead.

[Roan]

Yeah, mine was dead too.

[Harry]

That is crazy. Whatever time this is 303.

[Roan]

Is it 303?

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Not bad.

[Roan]

Okay. It's three. It's 303pm we're live from HQ3. Just talking. Just talking shop talking lift talking our bodies.

[Harry]

Talking male body positivity.

[Roan]

Yeah, exactly.

[Harry]

Nothing wrong with it.

[Roan]

Nothing wrong with it.

[Harry]

Nothing wrong with vanity lifting either. That's the only way you can be lifting, you got to put 45s on each side of that thing no matter what.

[Roan]

No, no, you're never going to do it. I'll just do one set of one if I have to.

[Francis]

I got a good lift for you, though, but you're gonna have to work up to it.

[Roan]

I'm not. Let me. Like, this is. I'll give you the breakdown of my gym, my gym schedule, because this is the most consistent I've been in years.

[Francis]

Great.

[Roan]

I just go and I just do whatever. Like, I'll do what I told. I was telling Nate about it downstairs because the gym's always crowded, so it's like you can't even have a plan when you're going in. You just go based on whatever people aren't using. You're like, okay, I guess I'm doing that today. So today was the first day I've had, like, an actual, like, full on. Okay. I'm gonna do, like, back and biceps and of course, deadlifting, which plays into both of those. And, yeah, productive. But I. I go in, and I really just, you know, hit a couple lifts, get some cardio going, and I'm out.

[Francis]

I love it. I have no problem with that.

[Harry]

What's the workout that you want to put him on?

[Francis]

So I usually try to do a descending ladder of alternating. If you're hex bar deadlifts, where I do jumping deadlifts and sort of, I guess, static deadlifts. So I'll do. You're in the hex bar. You go one.

[Roan]

There goes my knees back. They're going backwards too.

[Francis]

Five of those, and then you just do five sort of regular. And then you do four. Jumping four regular. Three jumping three regular. Two, jumping two regular. One, one.

[Roan]

I don't hate it. I will say I literally don't think I could do that with just the bar.

[Francis]

I do. You do that, and you try to do it without putting the bar down.

[Roan]

Like, never, never touch the ground.

[Francis]

Don't take a break. Get all the way through.

[Roan]

I like that.

[Francis]

Five all the way down to one and do three sets. The. The five. The number five. Like, the fives are tough. Five. The jumping deadlifts, very hard, very difficult.

[Roan]

That's where I'm getting a little nervous.

[Francis]

But it's how you work on explosive movements. Like, if you're trying to explode.

[Roan]

I'm trying to explode.

[Harry]

Which you do look explosive.

[Francis]

I need to. Sometimes I'm like, oh, yeah, no, I need my explo.

[Roan]

That's why I'm in The gym at all is to get my explosive energy up.

[Francis]

I have to sprint up this staircase right now.

[Roan]

Ye.

[Harry]

You haven't felt explosive? Honestly, I haven't felt explosive. You haven't seemed it.

[Roan]

No, no, not right now. I'm the opposite. That's the thing is, like, I don't really under. Like the gym is good. But like, like, if I'm going to the gym, like, what is the reason that anyone goes to the gym?

[Harry]

Exploding.

[Roan]

To explode.

[Francis]

Exploding.

[Roan]

And to hopefully be able to defend yourself when you need to.

[Francis]

Which is why I never understood that famous pre workout. The. The. No explode.

[Roan]

No explode.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

What are we talking about?

[Francis]

I'm not gonna have that. Yeah, very obvious.

[Roan]

I'm trying to blow up right now.

[Harry]

Yes. Explode.

[Roan]

But if I were to go, like, if I were to get jacked and then I were. Say you go to the gym like five, six days a week and then you get in a physical altercation. I'm going to be sore as hell. My. My muscles are going to be jello.

[Harry]

I've been scared of that before.

[Roan]

Like, isn't that a major concern that, like, I know.

[Harry]

Explosiveness if I get attacked.

[Roan]

Exactly.

[Francis]

Please don't come at me. I'm filled with lactic acid.

[Roan]

Exactly, exactly that. Like, right now I am the least explosive anyone be. I'm having a hard time staying awake right now because I went to the gym. So how am I supposed to defend myself in an altercation?

[Harry]

Sometimes it'd be hard to even escape.

[Roan]

Yes.

[Harry]

Like if there's like, oh, somebody came in shooting the shit.

[Roan]

Oh, no. Yeah, exactly.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I'm waddling down the street.

[Francis]

I got a weird feeling somewhere down the line you're going to get into jiu jitsu or something.

[Roan]

No.

[Francis]

I think that you're going to get to a point where you're like, whoa, I'm dying.

[Roan]

No, no, no.

[Francis]

I need to do something sass, Gracie. I need to do something cultish to really turn things around. Roll. And you're going to.

[Roan]

I'm not rolling.

[Francis]

You're going to dedicate yourself to it.

[Harry]

I continue rolling.

[Roan]

I don't have that in.

[Francis]

You're going to have a doctor's appointment in like five years where they're like, oh, my God.

[Roan]

No, no, no.

[Francis]

Oh my. You're 29.

[Harry]

He's got cobwebs in there.

[Francis]

You have the inner organs of a now 97 year old.

[Roan]

Like, I'm. I mean, I don't. I haven't really spoke about it much, but I'm on like a health journey. Like you couldn't even imagine.

[Harry]

Couldn't imagine.

[Roan]

Quit vaping again. Eating a lot of salads.

[Francis]

You know what they say about quitting vaping. It's how many times you do it.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Not for how long.

[Roan]

Exactly.

[Harry]

Matters. Exactly.

[Roan]

Back on the pouches. Feeling good. You look good and healthy.

[Francis]

You look a lot better than I do. I look like hell.

[Harry]

No, you don't.

[Francis]

I look like hell.

[Harry]

Because you have a light shadow. Because you have a three o' clock shadow.

[Roan]

Why?

[Harry]

What are you. What are you saying? You look like hell.

[Francis]

I have. I just been under an enormous amount of pressure. Enormous amount of stress.

[Roan]

You know what helps with that? Vaping.

[Francis]

I like that.

[Harry]

No, that will give you the craziest anxiety. After you're done vaping.

[Francis]

I tried to start vaping again.

[Roan]

It would be so funny if Francis got into vaping.

[Francis]

Oh, I'd love it.

[Roan]

Like the most off brand thing imaginable.

[Francis]

Just.

[Roan]

Yeah. Sucking on a geek bar.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Like a fat one. A really thick one.

[Francis]

I'm one of those people where. And I've met a couple other people like this, both vaping and cigarettes. I could never even get through one hit or two.

[Roan]

Yeah, well, that's the thing. You gotta push through.

[Francis]

Felt like I was being punched in the lung.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And it made just coughing hard immediately. I never got that like smooth breakthrough

[Roan]

that everyone doesn't make you cough.

[Francis]

Not at all.

[Roan]

That's crazy.

[Francis]

I mean, if I take a gigantic.

[Harry]

Right. Like a ginormous dinosaur hit.

[Francis]

If I'm going bongs away.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah. Really ripping it.

[Francis]

Mickey Glazer's over.

[Roan]

He's coming over.

[Francis]

I'm going.

[Roan]

Yeah, you're gonna cough.

[Francis]

I'm gonna cough.

[Roan]

That's gonna be. That's expected.

[Francis]

I want to impress her. I want her to know.

[Harry]

But cigarettes. What about when you're drunk, though? No, never. You never got a little bit like dizzy from it?

[Roan]

I never.

[Francis]

Cigarettes, I've had that sort of nicotine sort of effect of. Of lighting the fuse even more for. For drinking. But it was only ever from, you know, Lucy's or like whatever other other nicotine products. Not cigarettes. I couldn't.

[Roan]

Cigarettes I never really got into.

[Harry]

And I did.

[Francis]

But it was the same feeling from cigarettes as vaping.

[Roan]

Yeah, but when you. When you smoke a cigarette, even if you. Even if you brush your teeth, you wake up the next day and you're like, I smoked a cigarette last night and I can still taste it.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You're like skin on your philtrum smells.

[Francis]

But that's what that's what cigars are like too. And weirdly, I am quite fond of cigars.

[Roan]

Well, that's everyone else.

[Harry]

I feel like last couple times I brought a cigar in here, I couldn't get a man to smoke one.

[Francis]

Cigars.

[Roan]

I like smoking cigar. Like when I go fishing, they need

[Francis]

to be on my terms. Yeah. I don't like to be surprised by cigars.

[Roan]

Oh, no one does.

[Francis]

I don't like to be mouth unconsensually with a cigar especially.

[Roan]

Yeah. I mean, like, I like smoking a cigar when we're recording, but I don't. It's not my preferred way of recording.

[Francis]

Do you know why I was a little tardy today? Yeah.

[Roan]

Didn't you have an appointment or some shit?

[Francis]

No, no, he did.

[Harry]

I had an appointment. He was tardy for a different reason.

[Francis]

I was tardy because my cleaning lady arrived and I was about to go out the door and she started admiring my coffee machine.

[Roan]

Oh, yeah, well.

[Francis]

And I said, do you drink coffee?

[Roan]

So the fellow said, wait, yes.

[Francis]

And I said, do you drink espresso drinks?

[Harry]

She's probably from where the beans are from.

[Francis]

Yes, she's from Poland.

[Harry]

Do they have good coffee?

[Francis]

I don't think they have beans. I think they just like have ancient grounds and ammunition tins from the Soviet era.

[Harry]

Potatoes.

[Francis]

Yeah, they just. Just make coffee out of like the ashes of dead relatives.

[Harry]

You want sausage? Coffee. So you.

[Roan]

You made her a cup?

[Francis]

So I made her a coffee.

[Roan]

Did she like it?

[Francis]

She couldn't. It was. She said. And I. I know she's telling the truth because I don't think she can. I don't think from Poland you can. They never learned it.

[Harry]

Yeah, they're too dumb.

[Francis]

They never learned it. They. That was against. They would get shot. They'd. Firing squad. Of course, if you lie.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And she said, this is the best coffee I have ever had.

[Roan]

Really?

[Francis]

Yeah, I believe it. She said, normally I just drink from Starbucks, but even then it's not. It's not good.

[Roan]

No, it's not.

[Francis]

And then I said, because I made her a proper latte.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

But I didn't tell her that I made it with pistachio milk, which was the only milk I had left. I'm not even kidding you.

[Harry]

You can't even offer that to a Polish woman.

[Francis]

I'm experimenting with. I kept the label away from her.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I told her it wasn't. I told her it wasn't dairy milk. But I was like, it's. It's oat milk. Wasn't. It was pistachio and it's almost brown. It looks like sealing cloth.

[Roan]

Pistachio milk is crazy.

[Harry]

It's insane.

[Francis]

Tough to steam, tough to texture. My latte art was not good.

[Harry]

Why pistachio milk?

[Francis]

I'm just trying all different types of milk to find the one that I think is really good. It's.

[Roan]

What do you. What, it wouldn't give us your top three. Right.

[Francis]

Easy. I don't drink dairy milk, which is tough because whole milk is the easiest milk to texture and the best. Yeah, I wish I did.

[Harry]

It's going to. It's the best tasting with a latte, I think.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah. But why are you anti dairy milk?

[Francis]

I've just. I've been. When I was a child, I was quite lactose.

[Roan]

Oh, okay. What about, like, raw milk?

[Francis]

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[Roan]

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[Francis]

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[Roan]

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[Francis]

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[Roan]

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[Francis]

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[Roan]

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[Francis]

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[Roan]

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[Francis]

What's that?

[Roan]

Raw.

[Harry]

Are you saying it like the sun God? Raw?

[Francis]

Why are you saying it like the revolutionary force in Ireland?

[Roan]

You should start making your lattes with. With raw milk. Be hilarious. Raw. What am I? Am I not. Not pronouncing it right?

[Harry]

You're leaving the W out.

[Francis]

Raw.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's what just said Raw.

[Harry]

Like up the Raw.

[Roan]

Raw.

[Harry]

I'm on raw. St. Brown.

[Roan]

I'm on raw. St. Brown.

[Harry]

I'm on raw. St. Brown.

[Roan]

I'm on raw. St dot brown.

[Harry]

Yeah, you're saying raw the same as raw.

[Roan]

That's how it's pronounced.

[Francis]

Raw.

[Roan]

Raw.

[Francis]

Raw. You're both.

[Harry]

No, that's row.

[Francis]

That's how you would say it.

[Roan]

This is raw.

[Francis]

You'd say row.

[Roan]

That's how it is pronounced.

[Harry]

You guys, can you differentiate Ra and raw?

[Roan]

Yeah. You guys are saying ra.

[Harry]

Just say both of them.

[Roan]

Like ra.

[Harry]

Say both.

[Roan]

It's actually rad.

[Harry]

Say both of them next to each other. Ra and Raw.

[Roan]

Ra. Ra.

[Harry]

You're saying like a long A. I

[Roan]

feel bad for you guys. It's all right, though. We can move on. We can move past it.

[Francis]

Yeah, we should.

[Harry]

He should try Ra Milk. But anyways, Raz was unpasteurized.

[Roan]

Yeah, cool.

[Francis]

I bet that's great.

[Harry]

Can't be. Cannot be.

[Roan]

It's disgusting.

[Francis]

Oh, really? Doesn't taste good.

[Roan]

Never had it.

[Harry]

That's like drinking a Guinness off the tap.

[Roan]

Yeah, it's. It's thick.

[Harry]

You can't do that.

[Roan]

It's like paint.

[Harry]

Did you try goat?

[Francis]

No. Oat. I've had oat is what I really do rely on the most.

[Harry]

Not almond.

[Francis]

Almond. I. I can't. Almond's impossible to texture because it's like water. So thin.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah. It's so watery.

[Harry]

And your own pistachio.

[Francis]

Well, I bought that because they had a barista edition. And so anything that has a barista edition, I want to try.

[Roan]

What is barista?

[Francis]

It's milk specifically made for texturing. What do you mean? What. What kind of a question is that? What? It's in the title.

[Roan]

Barista.

[Francis]

The barista edition? Yeah.

[Harry]

Like a bar. Somebody that makes coffee. A barista.

[Roan]

We had a. When I was in middle school, we had, like, a fundraiser for diabetes, like a food drive or some. Which is weird because I'm pretty sure they already found the cure for that. But the.

[Harry]

It was just the diabetics putting.

[Roan]

I don't know what we were fundraising for, But the principal came over and did the announcements, and he kept on calling it diabetes. Have you guys ever heard people say that?

[Harry]

Yes.

[Francis]

Yes.

[Harry]

It's like a Pittsburgh way to say.

[Roan]

Yeah. He's like, we're doing a fundraiser for diabetics. And everyone was like, what the Is diabetes?

[Harry]

I do remember diet.

[Francis]

What happens when Jerome Bettis retired and lost a ton of weight?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Diet.

[Francis]

Diet.

[Harry]

Yeah. Damn. I got it. Well, you really got to get over for a cup of that coffee.

[Roan]

I do.

[Harry]

Are there other nuts that have been made into milk?

[Francis]

Probably macadamia, and they call it milkademia.

[Harry]

That sounds.

[Francis]

I think that's going to be quite good.

[Roan]

You should start getting into, like. Have you ever seen people make their own almond milk?

[Francis]

No. That's a bridge too far.

[Harry]

Not for you.

[Roan]

You could probably make it a little thicker if you wanted to.

[Francis]

That's a bridge too far. Cashew milk is supposed to be good. Is it creamy? Yeah.

[Harry]

I think I heard there's only, like, six almonds in a half gallon of almond milk. There's, like, a shocking low amount. Maybe it's not exactly 6Mac. Maybe we could check that. How many almonds are in that almond milk?

[Francis]

I thought it was the other way around. I thought it was like, a billion almonds yield 1 cup of almond milk.

[Harry]

I think it's the Other way. I think it's like. There's no. There's like, not that many almonds. Oh, four almonds, you know. In what container? What size container? An eight ounce glass.

[Francis]

Oh, God.

[Roan]

So it's just not almond milk.

[Francis]

What else?

[Harry]

It's water.

[Roan]

Yeah, there's gotta. That's not even.

[Harry]

It's white water.

[Francis]

What else is in there?

[Roan]

It's just water.

[Francis]

Water.

[Harry]

Water. White coloring.

[Roan]

You can dry yourself. So it's got to just be water and almonds. That's disgusting.

[Harry]

You could definitely thicken that if you just put. It's just. It's just water.

[Roan]

That's disgusting. I'm never drinking that again.

[Harry]

Well, what do you think the rest of it is?

[Roan]

Powdered milk.

[Harry]

But I'm saying. What do you think that macadamia milk is? Macadamians and almonds.

[Roan]

Macadamia, Yeah.

[Harry]

I think that you could probably make a nice thick one or like a almond ice cream. Almond heavy cream.

[Roan]

Because that's probably what it is. They're probably not. They're probably only using four almonds to save money. Because almonds, obviously, they're insanely expensive right now with AI and everything, but so if they. You could probably make your own and use like 700 almonds, then you get some thick almond milk.

[Francis]

Yeah, that's good.

[Harry]

There's a paste. A nice paste. It look like cottage cheese.

[Roan]

Yeah, it looks like a fucking sourdough starter.

[Francis]

Well, you guys know. You guys know what day it is?

[Harry]

Do I give day?

[Francis]

It's present Tuesday.

[Roan]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Francis]

We always do presents on Tuesdays, Bass. It. It's tradition on the podcast. We do present Tuesdays.

[Harry]

Yes.

[Francis]

And I actually have a two part gift.

[Roan]

Great.

[Francis]

And I'm gonna give one part to you and one part to you.

[Roan]

Awesome.

[Francis]

But the gift doesn't work unless you two.

[Harry]

It's like a Horcrux share. We have to put, like the.

[Francis]

Put your two things.

[Harry]

Infinity stone.

[Francis]

So why don't you guys just. If you wouldn't mind closing my eyes. Would that be all right? No. Put out your hands, Harry. No. I'm gonna need you to put out your hands and close your eyes.

[Roan]

How am I supposed to close them without my hands?

[Harry]

He's right. This is a fallacy.

[Francis]

You can't close your eyes and hold out your hands. All right, Here you go. Ready?

[Roan]

I don't like having my eyes closed.

[Francis]

That's for you. And that's for you.

[Roan]

Can I. Or I already have.

[Francis]

You can open your eyes.

[Roan]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Harry]

Whoa.

[Francis]

Yeah. So this is a Kevin Stevens Bobblehead that did not make it here in one piece.

[Roan]

So which Stevens is this? Is this my Stevens or yours?

[Francis]

Yes, your Stevens. You see, my Stevens knocked his head off.

[Roan]

That's crazy.

[Harry]

Look at the schnoz on this Stevens.

[Roan]

Let me see.

[Francis]

I feel really bad. This guy had one of these and he sent it to me. Broke in transit.

[Harry]

Did it. It wasn't your. It wasn't your fault, right?

[Francis]

No. I opened the box and it was like.

[Roan]

Who sent it to you? Kevin Stevens?

[Francis]

No, no, dude. For what it's worth, when I was in Pittsburgh, I went to six different stores looking for a Kevin Stevens jersey for you.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And nobody had one.

[Harry]

Gotta get that off. Fanatics. They were like crumpled up piece of fucking.

[Francis]

All we got is Lemieux. Crosby. I can't do it. Jager. And if Jenny Malkin. Yeah, Malkin.

[Harry]

This flurry.

[Francis]

This is.

[Harry]

Yeah. That's so nice. That's such a good gift. I had some fucking.

[Roan]

This is almost like a war crime of some sort.

[Francis]

We'll put it. I don't know what to do it. Maybe we can super glue it. Maybe we can glue it.

[Harry]

You know. Who will know what to do with this? Frank the Tank. He's probably.

[Roan]

He's probably got a repair guy.

[Harry]

He's probably bit the top off. He probably has access to the guy from Toy Story 2 that fixes Woody.

[Francis]

I don't really. I'm sad about it. I was excited for you to have this. Those are hard to find, I would think.

[Harry]

Let's put it on the count. Let's put on the table.

[Francis]

Yeah, put it on the table.

[Roan]

I'm trying to balance it properly.

[Harry]

You should be able to. If you have any feng shui, you should be able to balance that. If you've ever done tai chi, you should be able to balance that. What a great gift.

[Francis]

It was a great gift, but still,

[Harry]

it's better this way. We wouldn't. We wouldn't be able to.

[Francis]

Oh, well done, Harry.

[Roan]

It should be a pretty easy fix. I mean, it already is fixed.

[Francis]

Yeah. We'll never do anything more.

[Harry]

And so now if we have guests and they knock it over, we'll blame them.

[Roan]

We'll make them feel bad.

[Francis]

Oh, that's a tough one to find. Good luck.

[Roan]

Well, if you want to replace the Kevin Stevens bobblehead, be our guest.

[Harry]

One of one. Bobblehead. Did you guys see that? It's hilarious. The guys from Spitting Chiclets were taking some shots. Back at you, Sass.

[Roan]

I did not know.

[Harry]

I think they were. They. They basically have you on pigeon status?

[Roan]

What were they saying we were on?

[Francis]

Son of a boy, dad.

[Roan]

Great, guys.

[Harry]

Sass turns out to be the biggest

[Francis]

scumbag of anyone because. No, he said he loved you. He said. He said he was a big Whitney.

[Roan]

Yeah, but I love Sass too.

[Francis]

But in. In. In the. In the sense of the argument or the discussion, Sass said he will never let anyone cut him.

[Harry]

So if you're.

[Francis]

If you're somebody like me, that's like, I'm gonna miss my fight. Now, granted, I ended up in the Delta Lounge. That was the tough part of the story. He's like, no. All I could think of was him telling your dad wit that he can't go by in. What would ensue after the fact would

[Roan]

be life altering for sass.

[Francis]

Dan Whitney, 25 years ago, he's probably like, headlocking the kid in the middle of the airport and like, they're rolling around like, wrestling pinkies up. But nowadays my dad would say, hey, you know what? I understand.

[Harry]

And.

[Roan]

And I get it.

[Harry]

And with old age comes peace of

[Francis]

mind and maybe realizing that this little gamer slash comedian slash. How else would you describe.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Did you say commuter?

[Roan]

Yeah, non first class flyer.

[Harry]

Hey, you're a pigeon.

[Roan]

That's crazy.

[Harry]

That you're a shitster and that you were the main one going at Whitney and that he loved that he loves us, the two of us.

[Roan]

Well, I wasn't going at Whitney.

[Harry]

He wanted his head on.

[Roan]

That wasn't a personal attack.

[Francis]

What are you talking.

[Roan]

Agreeing with what he did at the airport.

[Harry]

You said he was a scumbag.

[Roan]

But I also said before multiple times, I was like. And you know, I have nothing but respect for Whitney, which makes a low life.

[Francis]

When you were like, that's crazy because I respect him, but.

[Roan]

Exactly.

[Francis]

Which almost makes it seem to me, it's worse.

[Harry]

So, like, when people will always be like, hey, I like the guy. I'm a fan of his before they absolutely sewer him. That happens on a lot of podcasts here.

[Francis]

I consider him to be a good person.

[Harry]

Yes. I consider him a good friend.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

When people say that.

[Francis]

So for him to have done that is so out of character.

[Roan]

I would consider. I would consider Whitney to be a friend.

[Harry]

And then he said that if this had happened 20 years ago, his dad would have put you in a headlock in the line.

[Roan]

Really?

[Harry]

His dad would have put you in a headlock 20 years ago?

[Roan]

Why would he be putting me in a headlock?

[Harry]

Because you. If you said, no, you can't pass, he would have Put you in a headlock.

[Roan]

Yeah. And then we would have gone to court and I would have sued him and won.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Put someone in a headlock for 20 years ago.

[Harry]

Twenty years ago, you could. That's what happened in this country.

[Roan]

That was post 9 11. 20 years.

[Francis]

I know.

[Harry]

That's what I'm saying. Right after 9 11, you could be like, he's a terrorist. He's wearing a turban.

[Roan]

I. I will say, while we're on the topic of terrorism, with the war obviously going on.

[Harry]

Yes, of course. Obviously.

[Roan]

I don't, like. I'm not a paranoid person typically, but I'm on the subway these last couple days. My eyes are bouncing. I'm looking at everybody giving them a full ocular. Does he have an explosive attached to his chest right now?

[Francis]

Since when do you go on the subway?

[Roan]

I take it here and back every day.

[Harry]

The one train.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

To what stop?

[Roan]

Don't worry about it.

[Francis]

Christopher Street. No, you go to Houston.

[Roan]

Don't worry about where I'm going.

[Francis]

You're going to Christopher.

[Roan]

Don't worry about where I'm going.

[Francis]

Obviously, we know you're going to.

[Roan]

I don't need the sleeper cells finding my info.

[Francis]

Well, Christopher is a lot closer to you than Houston.

[Roan]

Oh, I like to walk.

[Francis]

You also take an Uber. Every time I ever walk out of

[Roan]

the office with you, maybe I'm going somewhere else.

[Harry]

Oh, in the same direction I bounce. Yeah, you always do.

[Roan]

But I do take the train.

[Harry]

Have you detected any bogeys out there? Any potential.

[Roan]

Couple false flags.

[Francis]

I started watching neighbors. Oh, yeah, you guys were right.

[Roan]

It's hilarious.

[Francis]

So funny the way that such different groups of people in such different parts of the country throw the word liberal around as the worst insult that you can call someone. He's a liberal. Yeah, he's liberal.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

That's liberal behavior.

[Harry]

It's so nice.

[Francis]

Nothing to do.

[Harry]

And then how the people always wind up having, like, very similar interests. That's just like, they. They would be best of friends.

[Roan]

Well, there's a lot of them and that are. They were good friends.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Have you. Did you watch every episode or just the first?

[Francis]

Just one.

[Roan]

Well, there's only three.

[Francis]

What?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Will there be more?

[Roan]

Yeah, it just came out.

[Harry]

It's coming out now.

[Roan]

Like, it's just. It's just starting.

[Francis]

Oh, good. What fun.

[Roan]

But the. I think the third episode's my favorite so far. I was screwing, screaming, laughing.

[Harry]

I thought that there's a fire alarm going off in Manhattan. Yeah, it was sass because I was laughing. So I thought Banshee was out. Have you guys ever had any type of beef with your neighbors? I know you said your neighbor always. What, she fall asleep on her door or something?

[Roan]

Yeah, well, like that.

[Francis]

Oh, that was a great. That was one of my favorite moments.

[Roan]

Well, it's happened, like, five times.

[Francis]

Can you just give us a quick recap?

[Roan]

One of my neighbors will occasionally just, like, pass out right in front of my door. And then I gotta go, like, wake up. I gotta go, like, knock on the super's door and be like, I think my neighbor's dead. It's happened, like, multiple times.

[Harry]

That's so funny. And they're standing or they're.

[Roan]

They're laying, laying.

[Harry]

They'll have a nice lay.

[Roan]

But it hasn't happened in a while, thankfully. And I. I get like. Every time I hear something by the door, I'm like. You just hear a slide. Because last time it happened, it was like, 7pm What?

[Francis]

How is it possible that she gets all the way to her door?

[Roan]

That's what Nate was asking and says,

[Francis]

I can't go another step.

[Roan]

I don't know.

[Francis]

Tired.

[Roan]

I think it's like, the keys. Maybe you go for the keys, but

[Francis]

that's like a fucking Manchurian Candidate trigger.

[Roan]

No, I've never once gotten to the door and then not gotten in.

[Harry]

I think it's the same reason that a lot of people will only shit themselves as they go through their own front door. Because your body starts to relax when you know that you're close to home. And so it's just like.

[Roan]

Yeah, maybe in her, maybe like. Like, for me, the end goal is obviously getting into my apartment, but maybe for her, it's just getting into the building.

[Harry]

Safety. Yeah, getting to safety.

[Francis]

The stairs are hard. The door is easy. She's done the difficult part.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's gonna. You never hear her coming up the stairs either. You'd think you would hear, like, falling over.

[Harry]

She slithers up those.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You know, she's navigated the Kungu Ice fall. She's made it past Camp 3Y. She's made it up the Hillary Step. Yeah. And she's 20ft from the summit.

[Harry]

She says, I don't want to see the summit. I don't want to make the top of the world.

[Roan]

I mean, it's happened. It's happened during the day. It's happened on Sundays. It's happened. It's happened at 3 in the morning. The 3 in the morning one was the worst one.

[Francis]

Why?

[Roan]

Because I didn't have anything. There was just like.

[Harry]

It Was like, you had to leave her.

[Roan]

Chaos.

[Francis]

Why didn't you just let her sleep there?

[Roan]

I did.

[Francis]

So why was that bad for you?

[Roan]

It's kind of hard to go to bed knowing that there's someone asleep directly outside your door and you're like, hopefully they're alive. I'm not really quite sure.

[Harry]

Yeah, because you might have to wake up in an hour and a half when paramedics come.

[Roan]

Yeah, exactly. The black body Fire department prize. Open my door.

[Francis]

Dude, this girl. I think this girl has a disease.

[Roan]

I don't know.

[Harry]

Yeah, it's called addiction.

[Francis]

Narcolepsy.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

She has to be an opiate addict.

[Roan]

No, I don't think. Because there's never any weird behavior for like months at a time. And then it's just one. Boom.

[Francis]

Look, some snacks just show up. Blue diamond almonds and more shows out almonds, cashews and pistachios in bold flavors like honey roasted smokehouse and roasted sea salt. Freshness guaranteed. And clutch in crunch time every bite. Try blue diamond almonds and more.

[Roan]

The flavorful nutmeg. But maybe she gave it up. Who knows?

[Francis]

One time I used to live in just like a four story walk up,

[Harry]

but on Mott Street.

[Francis]

No, in Brooklyn Heights.

[Harry]

Oh.

[Francis]

And I was on the second floor, but each floor was its own apartment. Yeah. So one night this guy who lived the floor above me came home, was super, super drunk, and it was like one in the morning on a Wednesday or some shit, and he starts ringing my doorbell. Buzz. Yeah, because It's. Because it's 1:30 in the morning. I'm dead asleep.

[Harry]

Did he think it was his apartment?

[Francis]

No, he just left his keys and needed me to let him in. And I went down and let him in. What did I do? I mean, yeah, because I didn't have a buzzer. I didn't have the ability to unlock the door. So I got up out of bed.

[Roan]

That sucks.

[Francis]

Put clothes on, went down, let him in. And I was like, what's going on, man? He's like, yeah, I left my keys. I don't know. And he never apologized.

[Roan]

And then I didn't remember.

[Francis]

He was so drunk that he didn't remember it happened.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

So it's like one of those things where I was like, do I bring this up to this guy and be like, dude, by the way, you really put me out the other night. Yeah. Like, please don't do that.

[Harry]

Hit him with that passive aggression. Hey, Mark, you had a fun night the other night. Make him feel bad about it.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Even that old Catholic guilt.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

If I did that to a neighbor, if I woke a Neighbor up at 1:30 in the morning because I didn't have my keys and I was super drunk, I would buy them for a $400 bottle of wine.

[Roan]

Yeah. I would just move out like that week.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I gotta get out of here.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You've disgraced yourself in front of your community. Like, people would be shunned in the Aztec Times for things like that. Like killed. Killed publicly. Maybe. That's. So that's, I guess, not bad. Have you. You don't seem like the type of guy that would ever have any type of nasty behavior that would have the. Your neighbors mad at you other than playing Huey Lewis in the news too loud while you chainsaw girls to death. But outside of that, just be.

[Francis]

I've said this before, but I love it when people just like constantly say that I must be a serial killer because I'm shaven.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

It's like, oh, you don't think that that guy right there who you know is unkempt, doesn't smell good, has horrible hygiene.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And has photos that like pictures on the wall of pretty woman that have like crosses through the eyes and darts sticking out of their breasts? You know, like, that guy's the one killing people.

[Roan]

Who knows?

[Francis]

I'm having dinner with them. I'm getting to know these women.

[Roan]

It could be a thing where it's like, you know, maybe those people that are so out there, it's like, well, they can't be them.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Because it would be too obvious.

[Harry]

Too obvious.

[Roan]

Yeah. But everybody puts it on usually ends up being them.

[Harry]

The comments of anyone of Francis's videos have that undertone that people will try to put serial killer on you.

[Francis]

Yeah. I have too much at stake to start killing people.

[Roan]

Yeah. Not maybe like 10 years ago, but not now. Yeah, you're not gonna kill now.

[Harry]

They're probably saying for next weekend.

[Francis]

It's the best club in the country. I'm gonna kill a woman before selling out the comedy works downtown.

[Roan]

Yeah, maybe after.

[Harry]

I think they're saying that you're celebrate a little bit.

[Francis]

We'll see how this year's Internet invitational goes. You know, if I'm losing early. Yeah, maybe. Maybe we'll kill some women.

[Harry]

Women. I think that people are saying that you're calculated and your attention to detail is high enough that they could see you being able to execute something.

[Francis]

No, exactly. I think. I think the key. The key distinction is that. That I could get away with it.

[Harry]

Right? Exactly.

[Francis]

Yes.

[Harry]

That's what they're saying that it's like, oh, you, you thought of every little detail of something. And I think that that's what they're referring to.

[Francis]

I take that as kind of a compliment. It's a compliment.

[Roan]

Yeah, they are.

[Harry]

They're on your dick. Anyone is saying you're cereal.

[Francis]

To be clear, people who kill women, the proclivity towards that is not

[Roan]

being

[Francis]

groomed, well groomed and having an. A skincare routine and all of that.

[Harry]

Girls actually, they. You're talking about a fantasy that they have is being serial killed by a well groomed man.

[Francis]

Ah.

[Harry]

You know that they want to have a combination of American psycho but also 50 shades of gray where they also, they get killed by a super hot guy. That's why they listen to true crime so much. They're just trying to get themselves in the mood for death.

[Roan]

They're trying to get off.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

That's what they're doing.

[Francis]

Everyone loved to like play up how handsome Ted Bundy was.

[Roan]

Not even answer.

[Francis]

I'll tell you what, that didn't. Didn't look so good.

[Harry]

Now, what are actually hot serial killers? John Wayne Gacy was gross, right? Fat as shit. Fat. Gross. Usually.

[Francis]

I think it's like men that can't get women right, isn't. Yeah.

[Roan]

I think the Ted Bundy stuff just gave people like the idea that it's not that. But yeah, like if you look historically at most serial killers, they're like oafs.

[Francis]

Yeah. They're just.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah. This is going to get you serial killed. There's a serial killer listening right now who just squeezed his 8 ounce glass of Welch's grape juice until it burst in his hand. Just furious at you.

[Francis]

I don't have to kill women because I get along with them. Does that make sense? Like, the math adds up for me. I've had, I've had, you know, if. Look, I get it. Like if I didn't get along with women. Yeah. I can understand needing to kill them.

[Roan]

It really just goes back to like your relationship with your mother. Like, if you have a good relationship with your mom, usually you don't kill people. But if you have a bad relationship with your mom.

[Harry]

This dude watched one Hitchcock movie and. No, that's literally like this, the Oedipus complex.

[Francis]

He watched. He watched that monster show, the Ed Gein Story.

[Roan]

Literally.

[Francis]

Did you watch that one?

[Roan]

I watched the Edge. Oh, wait, no, I watched. I was thinking of. What's the show that got canceled after two seasons.

[Francis]

True. Or

[Roan]

the one about. It's about the serial Killers and like the study of serial killers.

[Francis]

Mind Hunters.

[Roan]

Yeah. Mindhunter.

[Francis]

I didn't see it.

[Roan]

Oh, phenomenal.

[Francis]

It was. I tried it. It was pretty dark and I don't

[Roan]

know, the first two episodes, weirdly, the acting is like, awful. But it gets better.

[Francis]

It's Jonathan Groff, right? Yeah.

[Roan]

Thanks.

[Francis]

A big Broadway guy.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Speaking of, Luigi Mangione's show just went on Broadway today. If we're talking about killers and Broadway, really, there's like a show about Luigi Mangione already out on Broadway.

[Francis]

No way.

[Roan]

I feel quick.

[Francis]

A farce?

[Harry]

I'm not sure.

[Francis]

A comedic farce.

[Harry]

Mac, could you see if it's a comedic farce about Luigi Mangione?

[Roan]

Well, you know, it was probably the CIA that wrote it. They've probably been writing it.

[Harry]

Oh, they're. They're in on killing the CEOs of pharmaceutical companies. The CIA is?

[Roan]

Yep.

[Harry]

It's a comedy.

[Roan]

It's a comm.

[Francis]

My cardiologist, I can't see him anymore. I'm supposed to have an out of network. Mount Sinai Medical Group is no longer our insurance anthem. Blue Cross Blue Shield doesn't work with them if I don't with them. So my primary care physician and my cardiologists are now no longer available to me. And these are people from whom I need continuing care.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's insane. So can they like recommend you to someone else that is in network?

[Francis]

I mean, I'll just have to go find someone myself. But like I'm. I'm on a prescription medication for years from this guy.

[Harry]

And then they're gonna probably try to prescribe you some kind of like. Oh, it's exactly the same as medic medicine. You're gonna go watch Luigi and everybody else is going to be laughing and you're going to be gripping your 8 ounce glass of Welch's grape juice like this. Fudgeing. So pissed off, you're probably going to leave. Fucking with a bloodlust.

[Francis]

You're not wrong.

[Harry]

You're going to leave so pissed off. Ready to kill.

[Roan]

Should we go see Luigi's. Luigi's play?

[Harry]

Mac, who's the CEO of our health insurance company?

[Roan]

Of what? Blue Anthem Blue Shield.

[Harry]

The CEO. And what's their. What's their address? Yeah, what's their Cross street?

[Roan]

Not a bad idea.

[Harry]

I wouldn't mind seeing Luigi. Or get the actor to whoever plays him.

[Roan]

Who do you think's playing him?

[Harry]

Probably Christian Chenoweth, Timothy Chalamet. Who's that actor? That's Ben. Ben Platt, maybe Ben Platt.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah. I Saw him in. What was his goofy ass waving through Wind Ho.

[Roan]

I don't know if I know Ben Platt.

[Harry]

I think you would.

[Francis]

You would. He was in some. Some movie about the acapella groups that everyone loves.

[Harry]

Pitch Perfect. Pitch Perfect.

[Francis]

He was in that.

[Harry]

He's like the second main character.

[Roan]

Not Adam.

[Harry]

He's not the hot main character. He's like the nerdier guy, I guess. And then he's in some musical where a guy falls out of a tree

[Francis]

and breaks his arm because he was trying to kill himself.

[Harry]

I watched that on a plane not knowing it was a musical. But by the time they started singing songs, I was pot committed. So I just had the fucking tough.

[Francis]

Tough musical. Movies are so bad. Tough.

[Harry]

Watch When La La Land won an Oscar. I just realized that everybody in Hollywood is the dumbest person alive every time

[Francis]

they come out with one.

[Roan]

What about tick, tick boom?

[Harry]

39 days?

[Francis]

I made it 10 minutes into that movie.

[Roan]

I loved that movie.

[Harry]

He watched.

[Roan]

I've seen it twice.

[Harry]

I've never even seen it, but I just heard him sing 39 days.

[Roan]

Is it 30, 90, or 40?

[Francis]

Not.

[Roan]

I forget what they say.

[Francis]

It's the story of how Rent was made. Right?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah. I can't. I can't be bothered.

[Roan]

It's good. It's a good movie.

[Francis]

I mean, Les Mis, things like that.

[Roan]

Now, this is more.

[Francis]

They always win the Oscars, and I'm like, what the are we doing here?

[Roan]

This is a fun one.

[Francis]

Swinging Tower.

[Roan]

It's fun. It's Garfield. It's Andrew Garfield.

[Francis]

Yeah, I know.

[Roan]

Who doesn't like Andrew Garfield?

[Francis]

Everybody likes Andrew Garfield.

[Roan]

Exactly. So watch the movie. It's a great.

[Francis]

I tried. I was like, oh, it's gonna be this the whole time.

[Roan]

It's not the whole time. It's good dial time, and then there's some good songs in it.

[Francis]

La La Land was not quite musical.

[Harry]

There was five songs. There were five times through that movie where they broke out of the song.

[Francis]

I know.

[Roan]

That's.

[Francis]

I don't know. I also thought the music was great.

[Harry]

It was not.

[Francis]

You didn't like it? I love that movie.

[Harry]

It certainly was not.

[Francis]

Why didn't you like it?

[Harry]

The fact that they're breaking out in song and everybody's like, this is amazing. Like, they're in traffic, like, On Top of the Thing.

[Francis]

Another Dave Summer opening number.

[Harry]

It's insane.

[Francis]

You need to start with a bang on a show.

[Harry]

Like, they bastardized Ryan Gosling's career with that one.

[Roan]

Yeah, Gosling. Was Gosling just on Jeopardy. And he won.

[Harry]

Yes. With a guess. Yeah. Is that real?

[Roan]

I think, yeah.

[Harry]

He said idk. And it was like, what? They were like, actually, is it okay? That could have been AI getting us.

[Roan]

That could have been AI.

[Harry]

I've seen a lot of AI accounts recently where it's like guys being like the divorce effect. And it's just AI of just like a saggy faced old guy filming himself at the gym. And then they snap and it's the hottest guy you've ever seen with a 12 pack, like two weeks afterwards, supposedly. And everybody's like, congrats, man. Like, so you really turn shit around. Keep going.

[Francis]

But like, brother, yeah, I saw one where there was a flood in India and an elephant with its trunk plucked a drowning tiger out of the river and put it on its back.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And then the tiger lies down on its back. And all the comments were like, nature can be amazing. And then the fifth one was like, who's gonna tell them?

[Roan]

Yeah, it's pretty crazy when you read the comments of those in every. There's like. Most of the people are like, wow, yeah, that's fun. That's really good.

[Harry]

The gorilla getting dragged into the forest and like they hand their baby gorilla to people on a safari and everyone's like, wow, that gorilla's so fucking smart to have done that. The dying wish of a mother transcends species.

[Roan]

My favorite ones are the ones where it's like. It's like Obama and like Charlie Kirk and Epstein. Yahoo. You ever seen those?

[Harry]

They'll do full like, yeah, Charlie Kirk,

[Roan]

little kid and it's Obama with like a SWAT. SWAT uniform on.

[Francis]

I liked when LeBron, the one where they would do the LeBron press conferences. I haven't seen it in a long time.

[Roan]

That was back when it was fun. Yeah, that was back when people were having fun with it.

[Francis]

Yeah, they were.

[Harry]

People are not having fun. They're intentionally being duplicitous.

[Roan]

Yeah. Now it's for the used for evil. Strictly.

[Harry]

Strictly. Well, I mean, your boy Altman. Did you see Altman sold it all to the government? He was like, they promise they won't use it to hurt people.

[Roan]

Yeah, that guy's a fucking bomb. I wish. Nothing but the.

[Harry]

Honestly, Matt, can you look up Sam Altman's cross streets? Yeah, we might need to go watch

[Francis]

Luigi and find out what. Find out what health care he uses. I'm sorry that I spoke over you.

[Harry]

Did you talk over me?

[Francis]

I don't know, I just did. Just now.

[Harry]

I don't think you did, but I did. We're building. We're building a bit of a lasagna where, like the pieces have to be on top of each other.

[Francis]

Yeah, you just. Just like when I edit my voiceover stuff, you want it to come.

[Roan]

Oh, yeah. J cut or an L cut.

[Francis]

What do they do?

[Roan]

Yes.

[Harry]

Or like when you're shuffling some cards, like the whole card isn't over each other, but just enough to make a nice tight stack. So you're good, brother.

[Roan]

The. Yeah, Altman guy's a problem.

[Harry]

Yeah, it's a bad, bad guy. He's.

[Roan]

He's a guy that you look at and you're like, that's a bad. Like he's evil. Like, you know, he. He will do anything it takes. He doesn't give a fuck.

[Francis]

Hey, Matt, can you still see me? Maybe. Sean, can you still see me? Okay.

[Roan]

Are you tucking away?

[Francis]

I want to see more of Roan.

[Harry]

Oh, I got you. I got you too.

[Francis]

I spent so much time looking at you because it's easy. It's hard for me to look at him.

[Roan]

I'm always bouncing around.

[Francis]

I think that. I think we need to. Yeah, we're going to orient the pod more towards me.

[Harry]

Yeah, I think that that'd be nice. Or.

[Francis]

Yeah, it's gonna be.

[Harry]

Or maybe we are both on a couch and you're on this couch.

[Francis]

What about that? I wonder what that would do for our dynamic.

[Harry]

And I'm still in the middle, but we're just looking at you.

[Francis]

You know, who wouldn it? Only child over here. Single child.

[Roan]

I don't hate it. I could just start laying down on this one. Facing that way.

[Francis]

What do you mean?

[Roan]

Tilt the mic this way.

[Harry]

We want to lay down.

[Francis]

Sure.

[Roan]

Guys, we're going to change up the whole.

[Francis]

I've, I, I, I, I bore it as long as I could. It's lie down.

[Roan]

Oh, I see.

[Francis]

I can't. I can't countenance that anymore.

[Roan]

Well, I can't.

[Harry]

So lay down, barista.

[Roan]

Saying barista. Talking about lie or lay.

[Harry]

You want to hear that? Barista.

[Roan]

Barista.

[Harry]

That's how you want to hear. Have him say it?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

It's funny. I actually said it as barista because I wanted to sound less cunty.

[Roan]

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[Harry]

It's so nice they have some shorts that I just got from Fabletics and they're lightweight and I feel like I could. Feel like I could move in those.

[Roan]

Yeah, you're moving different.

[Francis]

I have a pair of green pants from Fabletics which are my go to airport travel pants.

[Roan]

Oh yeah, I've seen. I actually know those. I know what you're talking about.

[Francis]

Most comfortable pants I've ever worn. And I have. I wore them in San Francisco when we were walking around that picture of us in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm wearing my Fabletics. Of course.

[Harry]

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[Roan]

When you sign up as a new VIP with Fabletics, you get 80 off everything. And it's not one of those too good to be true things. It's real. Bless you.

[Francis]

Sorry.

[Roan]

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[Harry]

Damn.

[Roan]

When you sign up as a VIP, just head to fabletics.com boydad Take a quick quiz, a style quiz, and be sure to select boy dad when prompted to unlock your 80 off. That's Fabletics.com boydad yeah, I bought a laptop yesterday.

[Francis]

You did?

[Roan]

Yeah, I did bad. Yeah, I got fleeced. They they, they, they me.

[Harry]

You buy cash?

[Roan]

No, I walked to Best Buy right after we finished recording. Way colder out than I thought it was going to be. I was freezing and then I got in there and I was like, well, now I'm definitely behind a laptop.

[Harry]

A little treat.

[Roan]

Now I'm cold. Now I need to. Now I need a toy.

[Francis]

I wish I couldn't relate to that.

[Harry]

Oh my God.

[Roan]

Yeah, it was not a good idea. It was one of those ones that as soon as I bought it I was like, this was stupid and I didn't need to do that.

[Harry]

Is it built like a tank?

[Roan]

It's a beast.

[Harry]

Really?

[Roan]

Yeah. And I got a cooling pad for below.

[Harry]

It gets so hot.

[Francis]

It gets hot from being on your lap?

[Roan]

No, because it's. It's like. It's a regular laptop, but it has the capability to not be a regular laptop.

[Francis]

So it's like what, it can be a plane using a transformer.

[Harry]

Are you talking about a transformer that you bought yesterday?

[Roan]

No, like, you could use it. Like, it's like a standard, like a PC. Like, if you have a gaming PC, you can still use the gaming PC just to do normal tasks. Like, just like go on Google Chrome or open up Excel. So it's like, if you're doing, like regular shit like that, it's not gonna get too hot, but if you play games on it, it's gonna get very hot.

[Francis]

If you watch porn on a gaming PC, do the women come out of the screen and jerk you off?

[Roan]

Yes.

[Francis]

It's like the ring, but erotic.

[Roan]

Yeah, exactly.

[Harry]

Yeah, the nuva ring.

[Roan]

Like this thing. It's 240Hz refresh rate. So you're gonna be seeing stuff in porn that you've never seen before.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Because you haven't had the technology to see it.

[Francis]

You see the cuts and what? Exactly like. All right, switch position now, please.

[Roan]

Yes. You're going to be seeing those. You're going to be getting those extra

[Francis]

frames that you'll realize on just how fake it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

Is it. Is it going to be elevated to keep it cooler? Like, if you put it on a little, like, elevation and it's not flush on a surface, that's what the cooler down.

[Roan]

The cooler goes under. It's just two fans, little igloo cooler.

[Francis]

So basically you're doing for your laptop what I did for my bed.

[Harry]

What'd you do for your bed?

[Francis]

I got the eight sleep.

[Roan]

Oh, you got that.

[Francis]

That temper temperature regulation.

[Roan]

Is that the thing that goes under the sheet or is that like the whole mattress?

[Francis]

It's under the sheet, but it's a new. It's a new mattress. It's a new mattress top.

[Roan]

Yeah, it's like a fan that goes in.

[Francis]

No, it's. It's water. It's a water. It's a mattress topper that has water running through it, and then there's a machine connected to it that regulates the temperature of the water and regulates the temperature of the bed beneath you.

[Harry]

How much water are we talking?

[Francis]

How thick is it with water like that?

[Harry]

What does it feel like you're in a waterbed?

[Francis]

No, not at all.

[Roan]

Not at all. Does it cycle out the water or do you have to have running water attached to.

[Francis]

Cycles out the water through the reservoir thing?

[Roan]

So there's like a tank. There's like a tank next to it.

[Francis]

Yeah, there's a. Next to the bed, but I can't even see it.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Is a machine. A hub, they call it, I think, which has a Hose into the mattress. And throughout the night, as my body temperature changes, sometimes I get hotter.

[Roan]

Your body, it changes with it.

[Francis]

It adjusts the temperature of the bed to make sure that you are having optimal temperature. Honestly, I don't even like kind of fuck eight sleep is my attitude. Because I asked them if they'd send me one and I would promote the hell out of it. And they're like, we only work with athletes. And I was like, I'm in the best shape of my life.

[Harry]

And they were like, send them the Internet invitational.

[Roan]

Dude should have said, I am an athlete.

[Francis]

I know. They were like, we've stopped working with influencers. And I was like, don't you hold

[Roan]

the fucking phone there.

[Francis]

Don't call me an influencer. I'm an entertainer.

[Harry]

Athlete, comedian, entertainer, musician.

[Francis]

I am an entertainer.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Don't you dare call me an influencer. But they were like. Anyway. So. Anyway, it pissed me off, but. So I don't want to give them free.

[Harry]

So you bought it?

[Francis]

I bought it.

[Roan]

How much was it?

[Francis]

Maybe 3,000 bucks.

[Roan]

I thought you were gonna say $300. No, there's gotta be a $300 version.

[Francis]

No. Yeah, there's cheaper companies.

[Harry]

I mean. Yeah. You got a water bag.

[Roan]

Get a trash bag, fill it with water. I splashing around in bed.

[Francis]

Sleep in the tub.

[Harry]

Frozen trash bag. A slab away, freezing.

[Francis]

Turn the tap back on.

[Harry]

It regulates me.

[Roan]

I used to put water on my pillowcase.

[Harry]

That's insane.

[Roan]

Not really, no.

[Harry]

Yes, it is. No, you're going to. You're.

[Roan]

You wouldn't. It's not like you're going to bed soaking wet.

[Harry]

You're putting. You're making your pillow wet every night.

[Roan]

I said I used to when I was young. How old, child?

[Francis]

How old?

[Roan]

Probably like eight.

[Harry]

Why'd you stop?

[Roan]

I don't know.

[Harry]

Because you realize it's crazy.

[Francis]

You grew up.

[Roan]

Yeah, it actually isn't that crazy though,

[Harry]

pouring water on your pillowcase every night.

[Roan]

We didn't never. We never have. Like, my parents still don't have ac. They just live in like a thousand degrees constantly. It's insane. Like, I would go to bed every night, like, oh my God, I can't breathe. It's so hot.

[Harry]

What about like a ceiling fan or something?

[Roan]

No, never had one.

[Francis]

Come on, you're just. Do.

[Roan]

You're dad, you swear to God? I've never had a soaking wet in my entire life. I've never had a ceiling fan in my room.

[Francis]

What about a box fan?

[Roan]

Yeah, occasionally a box fan, but those don't do anything. That just blows around hot air.

[Francis]

No, if I have a box fan on your face. Yeah. Blowing hard at me. I. Even if it's warm, I can sleep pretty well with that.

[Roan]

That's how I sleep now. Now I sleep. I got the ace. I still have the AC just humming.

[Francis]

Even in the winter.

[Roan]

Because for your brain, you have to. The radiator. If you. If you choose to live the life where you' Letting the radiator decide when you're going to be hot and cold. It's a bad life to live.

[Francis]

Right?

[Harry]

You're submitting.

[Francis]

So I.

[Roan]

And I have a fan next to my bed.

[Francis]

I hate to do this. I really. This bothers me to say this.

[Roan]

All good.

[Francis]

The eight sleep is the single best thing I've purchased ever. Probably even better than my coffee Sheen machine.

[Roan]

My only worry with the. With the aid sleep.

[Francis]

Oh, my God.

[Harry]

Did you just break that?

[Francis]

What the hell?

[Harry]

You're savage. So you gotta buy us a new one now. You really. Oh, my.

[Francis]

So much easier this time.

[Roan]

My only worry with the aids. With aids or the aids sleep.

[Francis]

8. 8.

[Roan]

I thought it was AIDS sleep. My only problem with the eight sleep

[Francis]

is that for people sleeping better when they have aids. Yeah.

[Harry]

Eternal AIDS sleep.

[Roan]

I'm just worried that it would be like. I worry that I would get into a thing where I wouldn't be able to sleep without it.

[Francis]

That is a fear. Fortunately, I travel so much that I can't adjust to it. And it makes me look forward to getting home and sleeping in my bed so fucking much.

[Harry]

You have one upstate too?

[Roan]

Just. Just in the city?

[Francis]

No, I don't have one upstate because I rent my place upstate. And I don't think that the people renting it deserve to have.

[Roan]

No, no.

[Francis]

And also I worry they'd fuck it up. They pop it. But I also get. I also get. I'm giving them so much fucking credit here. I get scores.

[Roan]

Well, let's clarify. They're pieces of shit. They just make a. They make a damn good product.

[Francis]

Why do you think they're pieces of shit?

[Harry]

They wouldn't give you the free one.

[Francis]

Oh, they are the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right?

[Roan]

Scumbag assholes.

[Francis]

Yeah. Don't buy their product, but it's amazing. They give you sleep metrics and it tracks all this. So, like, it tells you the quality of your sleep, how much time you had in REM sleep interruptions.

[Harry]

Hit us with some stats, brother. Don't be stingy.

[Roan]

Well, I have your average RAM looking like.

[Francis]

I don't know. I mean, on a. This was Last week I got a 98. That's the best I've ever had. And I slept. I mean that was a crazy night of sleep. Eight hours and 27 minutes. What time did I go to bed?

[Roan]

That means you got about nine and a half too. If you factor in how much time you were awake.

[Francis]

Yeah, that's what. When you fall asleep, it's like Santa Claus. Yeah.

[Roan]

And then takes away the time that you weren't asleep during your sleep. No, that's what mine does.

[Francis]

I don't think so. Well, either way, I'd go to bed

[Roan]

and I'll be like, oh, I got nine hours of sleep. And then I'll check and be like, actually you got eight.

[Francis]

I really didn't have much sleep interruptions, but I had 1 hour and 16 minutes of deep sleep, 1 hour 51 minutes of REM and I mean that's the best night of sleep I've had in a long, long time. This time did you go to bed that night? Yeah, 11:22.

[Harry]

Slept till 8 on the dot. Yeah, right before 8.

[Francis]

This, this week has been bad because I'm so stressed and you can just tell, I mean, so last night I slept six hours and 45 minutes. Quality was 84. It's not terrible. Sleep score was 82. Terrible. I went, I slept from 1138. Oh, excuse me. No, that's not. Slept from 12:07am to 7:09am not terrible one.

[Roan]

That's pretty much what I did last night.

[Francis]

One thing that's cool is. No, that must have been two nights ago because I had that. I was. Well, that I was writing all night last night.

[Roan]

Sound like it?

[Francis]

Yeah, this was too.

[Roan]

Sounds like you were sound asleep.

[Harry]

Maybe you're sleep writing do that.

[Francis]

No, I can't do that. So anyway, the point is though, one thing that's really cool is that like to when it wake, if you want you can set an alarm through it.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And it just gently vibrates under you to wake you up.

[Roan]

Nice.

[Harry]

That's so nice.

[Francis]

And, and then, and then it'll slowly raise the temperature as well to like.

[Harry]

Do you know what, you know what, what kind of numbers the video of you explaining all this on would, would do just like the, that cut up video.

[Francis]

I'm angry that I got sucked in, but it's such a good product that I can't, I can't even resist now.

[Roan]

I would like that I wake up hot as all the time.

[Francis]

You'd benefit from this.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Because it can be so hot around you and you can just you can go all the way down to the -10 setting, and you'll be cold. You'll put a hot, heavy duvet over yourself and you'll be comfortable.

[Roan]

That's nice. Minus 10.

[Harry]

That sounds so nice.

[Roan]

That sounds really nice.

[Harry]

So what is your internal temperature when that's happening? You obviously sleep hot, though.

[Roan]

I could probably use my gaming laptop on the bed, too. Cool it down.

[Francis]

You can put your. Yeah, you don't need the cooling pad. In fact, you'd probably take that right back to Best Buy.

[Roan]

Oh, return it immediately.

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

How much was that?

[Roan]

It was a piece of the, the cooling pad. Yeah, it's like 30 bucks.

[Harry]

Yeah. So now the mattress is only going to cost $2,970.

[Francis]

Let's see what the cost of the,

[Roan]

I mean, gaming laptop was up there.

[Harry]

I know. You could have had a gaming laptop with the best night's sleep in your life.

[Roan]

Aid sleep.

[Harry]

Could have that AIDS sleep, that deep aid sleep that killed Freddie Mercury.

[Roan]

That sweet. Aids, sweet. AIDS sleep.

[Harry]

Well, at least you bought this thing now, and now you're going to be able to game so hard. At least you'll probably get good at video games now. Instead,

[Roan]

the guy tried to get. He, he made. He, he. The guy at the store explained this price match thing to me where he was like, the price will go. He's like, the price is gonna go down in the next three months. And he's like, when it goes down, you. If you notify or like, you scan some on the app, on the Best Buy app, then they'll return the price difference. But I don't think the, Like, I, I. And I was like, oh. I was like, I'm okay. And he was like, you're gonna. He's like, you would save like 500 bucks if you do it. And I was like, all right, and I'll do it. But then I was thinking about it. I'm like, well, what makes him think the. What makes him think the price is going to go down? Isn't everything trending up?

[Francis]

Not in technology, yo.

[Roan]

Specifically in tech.

[Francis]

No. The. That laptop will be replaced by a newer version next.

[Roan]

Yeah, but the parts like the, the storage is what's expensive. That's what's causing everything to go up.

[Francis]

Up.

[Harry]

You got suckered.

[Roan]

I think I got.

[Harry]

You got badly suckered. Anytime that they're like, you want to

[Roan]

buy, I'm a Best Buy member.

[Harry]

Oh, you are?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You can't be buying that when they're. They're like, you want a insurance on this Calculator you want the warranty on this ti89? You don't want the warranty?

[Roan]

No. Typically I say no, but this was so expensive that I was like, yeah.

[Harry]

Did you get shamed by a black nerd?

[Roan]

No. Indian nerd.

[Harry]

Oh, even worse.

[Roan]

But we didn't. He didn't shame me. We both were. It was more of a collaboration. It was more like game respects game. Because once I dropped on him, I was like, my current rig at home when I'm working. And then he was like, oh, this guy's serious.

[Harry]

He means business. Yeah, that commission must have been nice for him. I think they got commissions.

[Roan]

You got paid yesterday, that's for sure. And I did the survey. It's kind of guy I am.

[Harry]

Fives across the board. Oh, yeah, that's love.

[Francis]

It's tournament season and every game feels like an upset waiting to happen. But there's a clear number one seed in the snack bracket.

[Roan]

Blue diamond almonds and more.

[Francis]

This ain't no play in nut mix. It's almonds, cashews and pistachios in top tier blue diamond flavors like honey roasted smokehouse and roasted sea salt. Freshness guaranteed. 5 grams of protein per serving. No filler, no weak links. The official snack of the big ten is a dominant mix. From tip off to the final whistle. Upgrade your snack game with blue diamond almonds and more.

[Roan]

The flavorful nut mix.

[Harry]

Francis caught me in the hallway talking, talking, talking a little Spanish.

[Francis]

Ron was talking, I spotted, to the cleaning ladies.

[Roan]

He always is doing. We call that in. We call that. What's the word for that?

[Francis]

Code switching.

[Roan]

It's close. What's the word I'm trying to think of? Oh, performative. We call that performative.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

I mean, I was doing it alone.

[Roan]

Were you though?

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Because it sounds like you were just. You just caught Francis walking by at the perfect time.

[Harry]

Francis caught me. I didn't know Francis was curling around that corner.

[Roan]

You were waiting for someone.

[Harry]

I wasn't waiting.

[Roan]

Waiting for someone to go by. And they're. Is that. Roan's talking fluent Spanish with the cleaning lady. How impressive is that?

[Francis]

He wasn't though. He was asking her how to say something.

[Harry]

Yeah, I was asking how to say something, dumbass.

[Francis]

He said. He said, como se dice ice on espanol.

[Roan]

Wow.

[Harry]

Como sedice? They're here right now. Como said. He say run. I was asking how you say brown? Because I said one of my sons has brown eyes like me and the other one has blue eyes like Jesus in the Bible.

[Roan]

What did they say?

[Harry]

She said a me gusta a Jesus.

[Roan]

What's the. No, how do you say brown and then what's blue? Agua.

[Harry]

If you're in. If you're in Barcelona.

[Francis]

You guys both have brown eyes.

[Roan]

Yeah, I have brown eyes.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Yeah, you got beautiful blue eyes.

[Francis]

Really blue eyes.

[Harry]

Lovely blue eyes.

[Francis]

They say that blue eyes with red hair is the single rarest combination of hair and eye color together in the world. I'll believe it. It. Someone just told me that.

[Roan]

Yeah, I believe it.

[Harry]

Yeah, that makes sense because there's probably even more women with like blue hair and brown eyes than brown eyes and.

[Francis]

Yeah, I never would have thought though that I always thought that a lot of redheads had blue eyes.

[Harry]

No, I don't think a lot of them have brown eyes.

[Francis]

I hate, I hate redheads with brown eyes, period.

[Harry]

Just full stop hate them.

[Roan]

You're self loathing gingerbread.

[Francis]

Yeah, I do everything I can to hang out with non redheaded people.

[Harry]

What's a self loathing gender? That's like an uncle. Uncle cracker.

[Roan]

What's there gonna be?

[Harry]

Uncle Tom.

[Roan]

You and Mook are going to be like quite the squad together.

[Francis]

I can't be seen with him.

[Roan]

You're gonna be opening for you.

[Francis]

I think if people see us walking together, they're gonna think we're up to no good.

[Roan]

They're gonna think he's your son.

[Francis]

He'll think we're my boy.

[Roan]

Yeah, my boy's opening for me tonight.

[Harry]

Does that happen in comedy? Are there like famous comedian sons? The way that they're football players? Like. No, I don't think Shador Sanders is there a comedy version of his dad

[Francis]

is a clown and he brings him to come do like magic. He does like magic and stuff.

[Roan]

Oh, really? I didn't know that. Yeah, I thought he just did stand up on the shows.

[Harry]

Why does. Yeah, well, I wonder why that is. If you have a. If you're a funny comic dad to the kids wind up not being funny. Or they're just like, oh no, I want to want to be somebody that's present in my kid's life.

[Francis]

That's a good question. I don't know. Athletes always want to be kids. Always.

[Harry]

You always.

[Roan]

I feel like if you're an athlete, the thing is like your kids are going to be athletic, but if you're

[Harry]

funny, your kids aren't going to be funny.

[Roan]

Not necessarily.

[Harry]

Really? Yeah, you just get a serious batch.

[Roan]

Good. Depends on how you raise them.

[Harry]

I'm raising mine. Slapstick.

[Francis]

My dad. My dad, when I became. I've said this when my dad, when I became a comedian, my dad also started becoming a comedian. He was like, oh, he's successful. Clearly this is a genetic thing that I ignored.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

In myself.

[Harry]

If you had fostered it.

[Francis]

I gave this to him. Now it's almost not too. It's not too late, but it's close for me to uncover this long lost skill of mine.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah. My dad honestly the same way.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

He's turning it up.

[Roan]

Yeah, I could see that big time.

[Harry]

What comedians are your dad's age?

[Francis]

I don't know.

[Harry]

What comedians are your dad's age.

[Francis]

Seinfeld.

[Harry]

Really?

[Roan]

Jerry.

[Harry]

Your dad could have been Jerry if he had just applied himself.

[Roan]

I feel like anyone could have been Jerry.

[Harry]

You're saying he doesn't. There's no special sauce to be the right guy. Huh.

[Roan]

Had to write the jokes. Like that time. Like that time when Jerry got big. They were just begging for a Jerry. They needed a Jerry.

[Harry]

You just. Anyone could have been Jerry. He just had to write the jokes that Jerry Seinfeld wrote.

[Francis]

Throat.

[Harry]

That's like being like anybody could have been Wayne Gretzky. You just had to score the goals.

[Roan]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

But that like Wayne did it and Seinfeld did it.

[Harry]

But Seinfeld probably had like a unique. Are you just don't like Seinfeld?

[Roan]

No, I love Seinfeld.

[Harry]

He dated that 17 year old because she was legal. Because that was the age of consent in New York at the time. Was 17.

[Roan]

No. I got nothing against him. Okay, so what's the problem if he wants to do that? I wouldn't do that personally.

[Harry]

Why? It's legal.

[Roan]

That's not really my cup of tea. 17. But look, if that's the way that Seinfeld likes it because you just haven't

[Harry]

hit your late 30s yet.

[Francis]

You don't have enough.

[Roan]

Once you get your late 30s when you really start craving 17, you just don't have enough.

[Francis]

You don't have enough money yet.

[Roan]

Yeah, true.

[Francis]

Once you have enough money, all of a sudden 18 year olds are look tired. Yeah.

[Harry]

Sen class. I want the junior class.

[Francis]

Do you guys ever like just randomly while we're doing this, look up and see that our producers and not one of them is laughing.

[Harry]

What are you talking about? They've been laughing the whole.

[Francis]

They've all been laughing. Oh my God. I feel so bad that these guys have to listen now.

[Roan]

To be honest. I look up and I'm like, why is the hooping and hollering set so much nicer than ours? Not Looks like they're about to film, like, the survival. The Survivor fucking finale.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

What are the tiki torches doing over?

[Roan]

We're gonna get the votes going now. Jeff. Jeff's gonna flyin out.

[Francis]

Is there anyone on earth that you two would ask for an autograph at this point in your life?

[Harry]

Autograph?

[Francis]

Whose autograph you'd want? Nope.

[Roan]

No, not really.

[Harry]

I couldn't. I wouldn't ask for John Hancock's autograph if I saw him alive.

[Francis]

The autograph?

[Roan]

Yeah, I don't. I don't think so.

[Francis]

I just hand him a pen, John. You know what to do.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

So no autographs. What about who. Who would. With whom would you want a photo?

[Harry]

A lot of people.

[Roan]

Yeah, a lot.

[Francis]

Really?

[Roan]

LeBron, Brady, Gibbs.

[Francis]

What is that photo gonna do for you? Are you gonna look at it? Are you gonna post it?

[Roan]

Yeah, probably both.

[Francis]

Both of those.

[Harry]

Save it for when they die.

[Roan]

Yeah. Then posted again. I wouldn't want, say, I was actually their best friend. Just a pose about me, not them.

[Francis]

I wouldn't want just a contrived photo with Tom Brady. I'd want one that, like, those girls do candid, where they're, like, looking at each other.

[Roan]

Yeah. Yeah, that would be cool.

[Francis]

I want a candid photo with me and Tom Brady. I want to get.

[Roan]

You could make that happen, though, without, like, like, begging. Like, you could just be like, hey, take a photo of me and Tom, Brad. And then go up and be like, hey. And then, like, while you're taking the

[Harry]

hand someone's taking, the photographer just has to be dialed in. Yeah, like, you could get a candid one like that.

[Francis]

I want. I want to go up to Tom, and I'd be like, tom, can you just pretend that you're laughing really hard? Or, like, would you be willing to be laughing so hard that you're, like, leaning into my chest and I've got my head on the top of your head.

[Harry]

Do you think that you could tickle?

[Roan]

Is.

[Harry]

Does tickling. Does that work at any age? Like, could.

[Francis]

Could definitely becomes assault after a certain age.

[Harry]

Yeah, but does it still make you giggle? No, but it's just like, giggling without your consent?

[Francis]

No, I think you stopped giggling punching.

[Harry]

So there's nothing. There's no off of me. There's no tickle that could get you.

[Francis]

If I tried to tickle Harry right now, he would end the problem. You might be the last person. Person on earth I would ever try to tickle.

[Roan]

I'm not ticklish.

[Harry]

Is it. Is there a thing where you can't, like, Tickle somebody. You can only get tickled by someone you, like. Like, it can only work if you, like, the person, like, a stranger comes up and tries to tickle you. Like, like, if they were interrogating a terrorist or something like that, like, they couldn't tickle him and, like, start making him giggle. Right. That'd be impossible because the terrorists.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah. No, I don't think that would work. I don't think. I think it only makes babies giggle because they don't have, like, that's like their main. Like, has you. Have you ever met, like, have you ever. Have you ever giggled from being tickled over the age of, like, six?

[Harry]

I mean, nobody's tickling me because you kind of know not to tickle people.

[Roan]

Yeah, but you still have been like, I've probably been tickled multiple times after the age of six. And I definitely wasn't like. I was definitely like, yo, what the.

[Francis]

Stop.

[Harry]

Who's tickling you? I don't.

[Roan]

I don't know. I mean, it's like, you know, you used to, like, go up behind. Behind your boys and you give them the squeeze. That's a good one. Yeah, you've definitely done that. I'll hit. I'll hit one of you guys with it in the next couple days and you'll be.

[Harry]

Are you talking about right under the rib?

[Roan]

Right under the ribs and you give them the double squeeze.

[Harry]

It's truly.

[Roan]

That's like, when someone does that to you, you want to fight them immediately.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Because you're like, why did you just grab my side fat?

[Harry]

It is when you tickle.

[Roan]

I just don't think it's. Well, that's like, what. That's like, what people think happens when you get tickled. And it ain't.

[Harry]

You have to, like, almost check in on. Even if you are tickling in that 0 to 6 range, you kind of have to tickle almost and check in on somebody to make sure that it's not turning into something you don't want it to.

[Roan]

Well, I think Francis was right. I think it. It is. It does turn into assault.

[Harry]

It's like a runaway train of tickling. Like, if you're getting tickled and you start laughing, but you can't stop laughing.

[Roan]

Anyone on earth that actually feels that they get tickled and they're laughing so hard they can't stop laughing.

[Harry]

I have been in that situation that you start crying.

[Roan]

You've been in that, and you're like, stop.

[Harry]

Yeah. Yes.

[Roan]

I've never been in that situation ever.

[Harry]

It was like, I was like 7 years old.

[Roan]

Ish.

[Harry]

Maybe 6. Honestly, it was right at that. It was like my tickle spot. Yeah, it was right when you stop. When you lose your tickle.

[Roan]

Yeah, exactly six.

[Harry]

I lost my tickle.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

When you do it to a baby, it feels like a superpower. When I'm tickling my boys, I feel like I'm the funniest guy ever. I feel so funny.

[Francis]

That's cool. When you get your kids laugh when you getting rounds. They have a great laugh. They all. Both of them have great laughs. Finn especially.

[Harry]

Yeah, he has a. He's a menace, but they both have. Yeah, lovely choice.

[Roan]

Finn. Short for Finnegan.

[Harry]

Not a damn thing. That's the whole kitten caboodle right there. Bam.

[Roan]

He's gonna be getting a lot of questions about that.

[Harry]

I don't think so.

[Francis]

What's fin short?

[Roan]

What's that short for?

[Francis]

Phineas.

[Roan]

Phineas Finnegan.

[Francis]

Finnegan's a cool name. I like that. It's just Finn Finnegan's wake.

[Roan]

People always ask me, they go, what's Harry? What is it? Harrison Harold.

[Harry]

What the would Harry be short for?

[Roan]

Harrison Harold?

[Harry]

Okay,

[Roan]

Those two specifically. But they're not. It's not short for anything.

[Harry]

Yeah, same thing. Birds of a feather.

[Roan]

I was telling Ron, I went to the. I went to the. I went to do my passport today like we spoke about.

[Francis]

Did you? Did you.

[Roan]

I couldn't. They would. I can't. So I met. I met this. Like my flight's in like a month, three weeks. I can't expedite it because it won't get here in time. And I can't do the emerge like the super expedited process because that's too far away. So they're telling me I have to wait until I'm 14 days away and then go.

[Francis]

Wow.

[Roan]

And that feels like it's a little bit of like kind of. We're kind of stressing and stressing this out for now. Like, what if I just go now and then you guys just send it

[Francis]

to me in three weeks?

[Roan]

Yeah, like that feels you're a no

[Harry]

man's land a little bit.

[Francis]

You gotta send them your flight to prove that that's when you're gone.

[Harry]

Yeah, that's such whole thing. You know where he's going?

[Francis]

Birmingham.

[Roan]

You know, did you guys know Max going to Birmingham too. You're going Mac for Dota Dota 2.

[Francis]

What's that?

[Roan]

A game?

[Francis]

What do you mean?

[Roan]

It's a competitive. That's why I'm going to Birmingham is for Call of Duty.

[Harry]

Wait, you're going to film?

[Francis]

No, I was going for enjoyment.

[Harry]

You're going for enjoyment? You're going to Birmingham, England for enjoyment?

[Roan]

Yeah. He's going for do Dota. He's a Dota fan.

[Harry]

I was telling him the first rap battle I ever had was in or first British rap battle I had was in Birmingham. And it is the worst. It's the worst city in. In all of the globe. In the entire world.

[Roan]

Yeah, it's. It's gonna suck.

[Francis]

I think I played in a lacrosse tournament there once.

[Harry]

Well, we've all been to Brum.

[Roan]

I don't think they even have grass there.

[Francis]

Well, we play. I played for the.

[Harry]

It's like NFL street. Yeah, you just have to play on the concrete.

[Francis]

I played for the Oxford men's team. And technically you had to be enrolled at the university to play in this because it was a college tournament. And they just lied and said that I was in the college. But we went and we played. I remember we played a number of different universities and a couple of them had like. Each team would have one or two players that had played for national teams.

[Roan]

Really.

[Francis]

There was a guy who had played on the Welsh national team. He was pretty good.

[Harry]

And that's. That's that game that Andrew Decker. Feather off, had three goals, right?

[Francis]

Andrew? DC D F ADF ADC Guys, my birthday is coming up, which I know is the gayest thing I could possibly say.

[Roan]

Isn't it in. Aren't you gonna be on the road?

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

How do you know that? So we've just topped the gayest thing by you knowing his birthday plans.

[Roan]

Because he said that yesterday day. Starting to feel like I'm the only one who really listens around my straight ass.

[Harry]

Couldn't. Couldn't be bothered.

[Francis]

I guess my question is for. Should I. Should I acknowledge my birthday at all? I think it's been. I think it's been like, maybe five years since I even had anyone sing Happy Birthday to me.

[Roan]

Yeah, I'm not.

[Francis]

Maybe even longer. I don't need anyone to. But I think I'm getting to a point now where, like, I'm just dying. I think. I think my. So many birthdays in a row have gone by without any acknowledgment or a blowing out of a candle or a cupcake or a present or a blow job of any kind, whatever.

[Harry]

You know, it will blow you.

[Francis]

No one has there. It's been so long since someone was appreciative of that I was alive on my birthday that I actually think I'M dying.

[Roan]

Birthdays are overrated, you know? Get yourself some jeans.

[Francis]

That's what I tell myself every. Come on, man.

[Harry]

You know that was a gift.

[Francis]

He was fine.

[Roan]

What the hell?

[Francis]

Now the real Kevin Stevens is dead.

[Harry]

Yeah, this is a voodoo doll. He was. Also, his head keeps on falling off and getting Ichabod craned back on you. I think if you people started celebrating it too much out of nowhere, that would really feel like you're dying. You'd be like, whoa, what's this?

[Francis]

Yeah, you need us.

[Harry]

You need to just go to a restaurant where they sing to you.

[Francis]

I don't want that. I don't even need the singing. I just. I'm. And by the way, I actually don't know if this is what I want. I am wondering in your opinions if this is something that I should do. Should I. Should I plan something? Should I tell anyone?

[Harry]

Why don't we plan?

[Francis]

My birthday's coming up. Yeah, let's go.

[Harry]

Let's go to 4 Charles.

[Francis]

You guys want to go to 4 Charles?

[Harry]

Can we. Can we take. Can you take us to take you to dinner?

[Francis]

Yeah, I could do that.

[Harry]

You make the Fort Charles reservation. You use your connections there. Because we don't have any, but we take you.

[Roan]

Yeah, I'll go.

[Francis]

Would you go?

[Roan]

Absolutely. To Fort Charles?

[Harry]

To Fort Charles.

[Roan]

That'd be so declining a 4 Charles offer.

[Francis]

I wonder.

[Harry]

What about the. What about the men from your. From your Harvard club? Couldn't those boys come together and sing you a little barbershop quartet or something like that?

[Francis]

Kids. They all have kids. I've learned people with kids are. They're too busy. They don't have the ability to, like, be as social, you know, It's a damn shame round.

[Harry]

I just like the kids. I let him fend for himself, if you know what I mean.

[Francis]

My. My friends, I don't see them anymore. And I know this is like, everybody says this, but I. I almost feel bad asking them to do anything because I know that they're to do so means that they're like, you just have

[Harry]

to start planning now, though.

[Francis]

Permission from their wives and then leaving them at home to deal with.

[Roan]

And their wives are definitely pissed.

[Francis]

Like, people ask me to do anything. People ask me to do stuff. And they're. And if I say no, they're. They'll. They're mad at me. Me. They're like, you don't have anything going on.

[Roan]

That's annoying. That would piss me off.

[Francis]

Now, they. They respect that I have a lot of work, but they know That I don't have anything socially happening.

[Harry]

That's so mean of them.

[Francis]

But I'm old enough that I don't really need social stuff to happen. Which is again, what brings us back to my birthday. Should that be the one day of the year where I actually go do something planned?

[Roan]

You could have, like, chat gbt saying you happy birthday.

[Francis]

I could do that.

[Harry]

You're gonna kill yourself on your birthday, but that's okay.

[Francis]

I think that to me, is.

[Roan]

Nothing wrong with that.

[Francis]

The perfect day, too.

[Roan]

To end it too dramatic.

[Francis]

Just from a. Oh, it's tight. Like, the numbers are clean. He lived exactly 37 years to the

[Roan]

day, almost to the hour.

[Francis]

How old was he when he died? 37.0. He was 37.0.

[Roan]

Yeah, I like that. I like that.

[Francis]

Yeah, that's nice.

[Roan]

I wouldn't do that. I would. I'm not advocating for that.

[Harry]

Is that. Are you sure you want four Charles? Maybe we could find another place.

[Francis]

I would go. Whatever. I don't. I don't even know what we need to do.

[Harry]

Let's go to Sema. Let's get something spicy. Indian.

[Francis]

I'm genuinely curious. How about atomic Men? Who don't. Because a wife will be nice to you and. Or whatever, she'll honor you, the kids, that kind of thing.

[Roan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

You go out. Oh, we're going out for your birthday. I'm treating you. Whatever. I don't know. I'm just like, that's. That day's gonna happen, and. And it'll be the next day. And I'll be like, oh, my birthday was yesterday. That's what it's gonna be like. I'm an orphan.

[Harry]

Yeah, I forgot.

[Francis]

Like, I'm Harry Potter.

[Roan]

I mean, that's pretty much how my birthdays are. It's like, my mom texts, my parents will call me, and then that's really it. Just go on with the day. What.

[Harry]

What would make you feel most appreciated on your birthday?

[Francis]

The problem for you is that you don't drink. When you were in your 20s, like, your birthday was like a drinking occasion.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

People would come together. It was an excuse to get up.

[Roan]

Yeah. Yeah, I guess. On my 21st birthday, I went to Denver. Got blasted.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You don't need shake face. You don't need cupcakes. You don't need any type of sweets.

[Francis]

Nah.

[Roan]

Maybe like, buy. I'll buy a vape on my birthday.

[Harry]

Maybe a birthday Swedish fish that we just plug a candle into the middle of. We just put a Yankee candle through a Swedish fish.

[Roan]

That would be Nice.

[Harry]

What would make you feel appreciated on your birthday?

[Francis]

I. I don't know. I don't even think I want to feel appreciated.

[Roan]

You want a gaming laptop.

[Francis]

I want to feel like I. Like I actually was proactive about celebrating my own life and I don't even need to do that with other people. Maybe it's that I. I don't know. The problem is I treat myself too often.

[Roan]

Yeah. See, that's my thing, too.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You buy what you want when you buy it.

[Roan]

Yeah. And I'm like, well, I don't. I don't deserve anything for my birthday.

[Harry]

Yeah, well, someone should be doing that for you.

[Roan]

No one's.

[Harry]

It should be me and Harry.

[Roan]

No one's going to get you the thing that you actually want.

[Harry]

Right. Which is a $3,000 mattress topper.

[Roan]

Exactly. Gaming laptop or.

[Harry]

Gaming laptop.

[Roan]

I can't go to my parents and be like, buy me this multi thousand dollar laptop.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

They're gonna be like, no, definitely not.

[Francis]

Roan, you made a joke a couple times when I continued. I was on my buying spree. You were like, that's the thing that's gonna make you. And you know what's crazy?

[Harry]

It works.

[Francis]

I actually think I bought all the things I need or want. I think I beat the game.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

No way.

[Francis]

I think I'm there for a little while. I have no cravings.

[Roan]

No, you'll have them.

[Francis]

I don't have my eye on anything now. I deleted Facebook from my phone. That was big.

[Harry]

When?

[Francis]

I don't know, like a couple weeks ago. Probably around the time that I got bricked. So I'm not. I'm not corresponding with people on Facebook market. The chase was always the problem.

[Roan]

Yeah, it's the chase.

[Francis]

I loved the chase.

[Harry]

Have you bought your spring summer wardrobe for this year yet to look? If so.

[Francis]

Not really.

[Harry]

I mean, they're there. It's coming then.

[Francis]

But I don't even know how to dress for the summer. I really don't. I hate.

[Roan]

No one does summer.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

No one knows how.

[Francis]

It's just impossible to look good.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

That's not true.

[Francis]

Unless you're on the Riviera.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And you're wearing like linen pants with some fucking.

[Harry]

You're going to look great this summer. Don't even say that.

[Roan]

Summer's tough. It's a tough time for fits.

[Francis]

Summer. I just wear bathing. I just wear bathing suits and T shirts. That's it. It.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I pretty much. In the summer, I'm shirtless. I want to say like 99 of the same time.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Especially around tops. Tarps off.

[Francis]

I've never seen shirless one time in

[Roan]

my life see me in the summer.

[Harry]

That is true you guys.

[Roan]

I like all in the summer. Like I'll walk down, I'll walk to the office. Tarps off. Just flops on.

[Francis]

Can we delay my birthday my reefs to do a pool party in the summer so that I can see you shirtless?

[Roan]

No, no. I would wear a. I would wear

[Francis]

a scuba suit for my birthday. I want to see you shirtless.

[Harry]

I think that's. I think that's the least you could do.

[Francis]

That's the one thing that would make for 4 Charles.

[Roan]

It's unfortunate because I want to give you something nice. And now I know I won't be able to do that if you don't

[Francis]

take your shirt off for me on my birthday. 37 is my last day on earth.

[Roan]

That's.

[Francis]

It's my death day. My birthday is my death day.

[Roan]

We better start getting the funeral ready then.

[Harry]

It's like that song how to save a life. That's what it was about One of a boy taking his shirt off for his other boy to save his life.

[Francis]

If. If we're preparing for my funeral. I want you to pay me or pay for my outfit. You're going to get me an outfit for my funeral since you could have saved my life.

[Roan]

No.

[Francis]

And it's going to be a spring summer outfit.

[Roan]

I'm not taking my shirt off. And I'm not buying an outfit either.

[Harry]

He's going to put you in those Stan Smiths that he's wearing right now. And some dumbass patriots pullover.

[Francis]

It's just tough man. Feel like I'm just suggesting fun things right now for Harry.

[Roan]

Look, I got a lot of. I'd go to for Charles. I would give you a gaming laptop for free.

[Francis]

You have to wear a shirt at Fort Charles Charles. It's dressy there.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Santi shirt. You gotta wear a shirt.

[Francis]

Would you dress like this for four Chuck?

[Roan]

No.

[Francis]

You put on something a little.

[Harry]

Use the fedora maybe probably get the fedora out.

[Francis]

How good of Harry. That fedoras are in.

[Roan]

Oh yeah.

[Francis]

Not. No. Your. Your newsboy cat.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's me.

[Francis]

That's not a fedora.

[Roan]

Right. That's all me.

[Francis]

And they're in because of that show JFK junior The JFK junior And Harry was wearing the newsboy cap before that show came out.

[Roan]

Exactly.

[Francis]

You had it.

[Harry]

You were sucking off the. The Kennedy family for a minute. They were sucking me off the schlossberg family.

[Roan]

They were sucking off the boy.

[Harry]

Yeah. You're tapped in.

[Roan]

I'm tapped in.

[Harry]

The Bouvier family.

[Francis]

I'm enjoying this. I don't. I don't think we should stop.

[Roan]

I have to pee pretty bad.

[Francis]

Well, go ahead. You guys wanted to stop.

[Harry]

No, I don't. You don't have to stop at all. I'm gonna. Oh, it's 4:22. Yeah, I got time.

[Francis]

I'm so much more comfortable than I've ever been on the show.

[Harry]

Yeah, it's so nice. I feel like you took a Xanax.

[Francis]

This is so much better for me.

[Harry]

Someone plug my phone in. I'd love to keep going. I'll plug it in for a second. I'll text my wife that she needs to fucking tend to the youth.

[Francis]

Oh, come on.

[Harry]

No, it's. What's her. It's her job. I win the bread. Bread. I have to be out here winning the bread. I'd love to get into. And I could see this being up your alley. Like a bread making. Like I saw somebody make a cinnamon swirl loaf and I was like, I'd like for that to be a hobby of mine.

[Francis]

I admire that. But my problem is that I don't eat bread.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

So I can't really get into that hobby.

[Harry]

It is a white girl activity for sure.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

But I don't mind. I don't mind talking to my inner white woman.

[Francis]

Do you think that there's such a thing as trying to pursue too many different skills such that you lose the point of life?

[Harry]

No, I think in the Renaissance that's what they were doing.

[Francis]

Well, that is always how I have directed my life is to try to be as well rounded as possible.

[Harry]

That's what. That's how knights live their lives.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

So you're just being a modern day knight with no one to battle.

[Francis]

I'm telling you, if I had lived in the 1500s, I would have had my pick of the hottest 14 year olds easily. Absolutely anyone I want.

[Harry]

But the problem is no refrigeration. You wouldn't. They wouldn't keep. The 14 year olds would go. Would go spoiled.

[Francis]

That's true.

[Harry]

They would go rotten.

[Francis]

How did they. When did ice become a thing?

[Harry]

I think they were just salting the 14 year olds. Jesus.

[Francis]

They were curing them.

[Harry]

They had to cure the 14 year olds of what? No, not of anything.

[Francis]

Could we look up when the. When ice first. I mean, how would you have gotten ice in the warmer months? In medieval times, they did not have it.

[Harry]

It was not available

[Francis]

1850s was when ice was available. And how. How'd they get it? They would. They would make it. Or would they bring it in from really cold places? They'd bring it in.

[Harry]

And where would they send it when they were done with it?

[Francis]

1968. They. They did what? Oh, they'd make the ice in 1968. Got it. Got it. Wait a minute.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's.

[Harry]

That's when they went on. The people landed on the moon.

[Francis]

That can't be. They were. They were. Had ice before 1960. 1960. They were making.

[Harry]

It says in medieval.

[Francis]

They had.

[Roan]

They made, like, ice houses. Shaded areas.

[Harry]

We're talking straw. They had ice houses in medieval times.

[Francis]

Oh, okay. I see. Yeah.

[Roan]

Interesting.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

He said he would have had the hottest 14 year old in medieval times, but there was no refrigeration because I

[Francis]

was so well rounded, because he's a true Renaissance man, that I would have had my pick of.

[Roan]

Pick of the letter.

[Francis]

The most pretty, eligible wife, 14 year old in the land.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You would have been the laziest radish farmer in the 1500s, definitely. You would have been a surf on the outskirts of the kingdom, having to pick radish because it was the life that you were born into.

[Francis]

You would have been dirty. You know, you'd break into song like, poor me, poor me, I can't afford a little piece of bread.

[Roan]

I don't know if I know that one.

[Francis]

That's your singing.

[Roan]

Oh, I see. I see. I think I missed out on some of this.

[Harry]

We're talking about when they started ice, and then Francis wanted to abolish ice. Here we are.

[Francis]

This is it.

[Roan]

Interesting. Interesting.

[Harry]

You know, Francis is platinum already.

[Roan]

I did know that.

[Francis]

Yeah. Nice.

[Roan]

Yeah, it's not bad.

[Francis]

I'm already plat.

[Harry]

Shiny. That's. That's reason enough to. To live through the year 37.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I wonder how early I'll get diamond this year. The best I've ever done, I think, was, like, October, maybe when the book is done.

[Harry]

Are you gonna go right to Japan? You should. Or maybe when it comes out, you should go right to Japan. I feel like that's something Kanye would do.

[Francis]

I have this dream of bringing a really expensive bottle of wine to Dave and finishing the book and pulling it out and being like, what do you say, old boy?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And him being like, I don't drink.

[Roan]

Yeah. I don't drink wine.

[Harry]

No. He has a great. He's a great wine cellar at his house.

[Francis]

He does.

[Harry]

You're gonna be in the. I mean, you should wear the. The Meta glasses into his house. Got to map it out. Yeah, map that out, like.

[Roan]

And you don't even have to say you're just sending it to your boys. Yeah, I don't even have to put it online. But then you're sending it to my

[Francis]

friends, like, posting this to my close friends.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

And then you do. But you do put it online.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You rack up the.

[Francis]

Yeah. Should I do anything down there?

[Roan]

Should I go fishing in Miami?

[Francis]

In the Keys?

[Roan]

In the Keys.

[Harry]

In Islamorada.

[Roan]

Go fishing with Dave. Well, he's got rods.

[Francis]

I don't know. That seems like asking a lot.

[Harry]

Well, go fish with Dave. He's got shotguns.

[Roan]

I mean, that's got to be. That's a great time to write out on the water.

[Francis]

This is where Hemingway spent a lot of time, in the Keys. Of course, I've never spent any time down there.

[Roan]

Oh, yeah.

[Francis]

Big.

[Harry]

Have you ever been to Key West?

[Francis]

I don't think so.

[Harry]

I was quite underwhelmed. There were some cute spots, but it's like. It's so Florida that it doesn't have this, like, castaway charm. It's like a beltway ring around that has Popeyes and Dunkin donuts and shit. Like, what? I thought I was gonna ride around on golf courses and, like, watch someone paint iguanas under a palm tree.

[Roan]

I've never been. Never been to the Keys. I've been to Captiva.

[Francis]

That's way farther.

[Harry]

That's.

[Roan]

I don't know.

[Francis]

That's on the Gulf Coast. On the Gulf Coast?

[Harry]

Yeah. The left coast, the west coast, the best coast.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

What about. Is there a nice part of the Keys? Is there a good part there?

[Harry]

Probably where Dave lives. And there's probably really nice parts of Key west that I just wasn't.

[Roan]

Definitely.

[Francis]

Dude, Key west is a full two hours from Dave's home.

[Harry]

Why the. Is he at where he's at? He just wants to be an hour and a half out of Miami.

[Francis]

I don't know.

[Roan]

I don't even know how he gets from Miami.

[Francis]

There must be a private airport near there, right?

[Harry]

He probably likes to drive, too. Clear his mind.

[Roan]

I think he's got his own Runway in the front yard.

[Harry]

I heard he's taking the ocean.

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

He's taking cigarette boats. Like a cocaine smuggler. Like a cocaine cowboy. Yeah.

[Roan]

That would be hilarious to see Dave just, like, riding, like, one of those pirates, standing on it.

[Harry]

Francis.

[Francis]

Good.

[Roan]

All right.

[Francis]

All right.

[Roan]

Should we wrap this up?

[Francis]

Yeah, we can wrap.

[Roan]

All right. Thank you guys, for listening. I'M gonna be in Arlington, Virginia this weekend. Four shows Friday, Saturday. [e-mail] Also tickets for Detroit and Cleveland. Next weekend on Harrysuttlewebsite.com I'll be in

[Francis]

Denver, Houston, San Francisco. The LA show for the Netflix Fest is online now. And Minneapolis. All that's on Punchup Live. Franciscellis See you there. There.