Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Long Distance Pooping & Funny Things Old People Do
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Date: January 12, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of the Spitballers Podcast features the trio—Andy, Mike, and Jason—diving into a barrage of hilarious, often relatable dad-level comedy. The crew tackles the greatest quirks of aging in their “Funny Things Old People Do” draft, exchanges absurd life advice, and gets honest (maybe a little too honest) about late-night bathroom emergencies. Segments include "Would You Rather" and "Decisions of Extreme Importance," all delivered in their signature bantering style.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Inspiration for the Draft (00:42–04:54)

• The team jokes about their “scat” (improvised musical bit) obligations and turns to their episode’s main inspiration: Andy’s dad’s legendary refusal to hang up after a call.
  • Andy: "98 to 99% of the time, he does not hang up after a phone call." (02:38)
• Producer Jeremy (“Al Borland”) shares that his dad leaves three-minute voicemails packed with extraneous details—another classic “old person” hallmark.
• They riff on how all their dads are habitual speakerphone-users and joke that they're “all responsible for 100% of hang ups” in calls with their fathers.
• Several other old-age quirks hinted at, setting the stage for the main draft.

2. Would You Rather: Diuretic Before Bed or 2:30 AM Burpees? (05:15–16:34)

• Would You Rather:
  • Take a strong diuretic every night before bed
  • OR wake up at 2:30am every morning and do 20 burpees.
• Mike reveals a very relatable “dad” struggle: chronic, uncontrollable late-night pooping, claiming it’s already his reality.
  • Mike: "What do you think I was doing at Monday at 5 in the morning?" (05:56)
  • Claims he’s always on bathroom alert in public and identifies all potential restrooms.
  • Andy (to Mike): "Have you pooped in the bed?"
    Mike: "I have not." (08:35)
  • The team gets into the “How many accidents before you buy diapers?” debate:
    • Jason: "I think it’s after the third. After the third, you’re like, I don’t..." (10:15)
    • Mike: "Five. Poopy pants." (10:22)
  • Discussion devolves into the trials and vows of married life when one partner could be a repeat bed-pooper, and the indisputable germ risks of hotel sheets.
• Ultimately, most prefer the physical pain of burpees over the dependency (and indignity) of a nightly diuretic, but Mike insists this predicament is life for him.

3. Would You Rather: Lock in Your 19-Year-Old Body or Your Current One? (17:20–26:41)

• Andy: "Would you rather revert to the body you had at 19 years old, but then age and progress normally from that point, or lock in the body that you have right now for the rest of your life?" (17:20)
• Responses are mixed but surprisingly pragmatic:
  • Most prefer their current bodies, citing better health and “dad strength” versus being scrawny or unhealthy at 19.
  • They riff on the bottomless teen metabolism and eating habits (Andy’s son “having six to eight dinners a night” and burning through “grocery surplus” money solely on drive-thru food).
    • Jason: “He had a grocery amount of surplus...gone to 100% things that went in his mouth.” (21:22)
• They joke about the merits of “investing early” in fitness—establish health in your 20s, reap the rewards forever.
  • Jason: “If you’re in that age range and you don’t invest and work out early… you will be fat.” (26:01)

4. Decisions of Extreme Importance (29:04–45:44)

A. Podcasts/Audiobooks vs. Music While Driving (29:12–37:16)

• The group debates whether it’s better to listen to podcasts/audiobooks or music while driving.
  • Mike feels guilted into “being productive” (podcasts), but admits music is life and nostalgia.
    • Mike: "When a song comes on… you can remember an exact point of your life." (36:27)
• Andy says his “pinnacle experience” while driving is listening to a great story, but all agree music offers a unique emotional connection.

B. Toilet Lid: Up or Down Post-Use? (37:21–39:02)

• They debate whether you should close the toilet lid before flushing (to prevent the infamous “plume” of particles).
  • Mike: "Do I do it? No." (38:35)
  • Cue much indignation and laughter about theory vs. practice.

C. Ice Cream: Cone or Cup? (39:03–41:00)

• Is ice cream better from a cone or cup? Strong anti-cone sentiment except Jason:
  • Jason: "The experience is an upgrade." (40:57)
  • Mike: "Cones are for kids." (39:36)

D. Beach Vacation or Mountain Vacation? (41:01–42:40)

• All agree: beach vacation wins for fun and luxury, though mountain trips have their merit.

E. Napkins vs. Paper Towels (42:57–45:44)

• Heated argument whether napkins are superior to paper towels:
  • Andy: "I want to dab my face with a napkin." (44:06)
  • Group generally sides with paper towels as the utility winner.

5. Draft: Funny Things Old People Do (47:04–61:15)

The trio drafts their favorite “funny old people quirks,” with memorable justifications and personal confessions.

Key Picks and Rationale:

• Jason

  • #1: Accidentally leaving phone flashlight on (47:51)
    • Jason: "If I see a flashlight on in someone’s pocket, they’re old. And when it happens to me, I go, oh, man, I feel old."
  • #2: Eating dinner at 4pm (54:26)
  • #3: Installing “bubble mirrors” on car side mirrors (55:45)
  • #4: Collecting stamps/coins (60:18)

• Andy

  • #1: Loafers with no socks (48:39)
  • #2: Paying by check (and the ordeal in old-timers’ towns) (53:00)
  • #3: Driving giant “boat” cars (57:12)
  • #4: Printing out emails (59:39)

• Mike

  • #1: Leaving voicemails that just say "Call me back" (50:17)
  • #2: Keeping paper receipts (52:07)
  • #3: Won’t buy online but fall for internet scams (58:17)
  • #4: (Bonus) Doing both in contradiction.

Honorable Mentions (61:18–62:26)

• Writing passwords in a physical notebook (Andy’s parents’ specialty)
• "Glass on forehead" move with reading glasses
• Turning down the radio to “see” better while driving
• Using speakerphone in public ("Al Borland" guilty)
• Freezing in mild weather and wearing diapers

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Mike (on late-night poops):
  "If I go out, the first thing I do—I identify the bathrooms...there’s a world out there, where people can put this off for eight hours?" (07:26)

• Andy (on marital support):
  "There can’t be a more difficult thing to support your partner than her pooping the bed next to you...That’s gotta be the most difficult, ‘I support you’ moment of your life." (12:06)

• Jason (on being fat):
  "If you’re in that age range and you don’t invest and work out early...you will be fat." (26:02)

• Mike (on family receipts):
  "Would you like a receipt, ma’am? No. Why do I? No." (52:07)

• Andy (on printed emails):
  "A printed email is special. Don't forward it, print it and hand it to somebody to read." (59:51)

• Mike (on contradictory tech fear):
  "They won’t buy stuff online, but they fall for Internet scams... How can both those things exist in the same world?" (58:24)

Timestamps of Important Segments

• 00:42 — Show begins, intro banter
• 02:38 — Andy’s dad and the “never hangs up” inspiration
• 05:15–16:34 — Would You Rather: Diuretic or Burpees
• 17:20–26:41 — Would You Rather: 19-year-old body or current body
• 29:04–45:44 — Decisions of Extreme Importance (debate-riddled fun)
• 47:04 — Draft: Funny Things Old People Do
• 61:18 — Honorable mentions, rapid-fire old-people quirks
• 63:08 — “What did we learn today?” round

Tone & Style

• The episode is upbeat, irreverent, and endlessly self-deprecating. The trio riff off each other with excellent comedic timing, making gross-out confessions (“long-distance” pooping runs), and spinning observational humor about their own aging and identically aging parents.
• Language is clean but playful, making this true “dad humor”—family-friendly with a hint of bathroom talk.

Summary for New Listeners

This episode blends relatable life struggles (and digestive challenges), old-school nostalgia, and the joy of finding humor in aging. Whether it’s poop emergencies, the tyranny of paper receipts, the magic of subpar technology (“bubble mirrors,” printed emails), or just the little pretensions of adulthood, Andy, Mike, and Jason make you feel like you’re in the room, laughing along. Even if you miss the scat singing, you won’t miss out on any laughs—or on the realization you’re probably “becoming your dad” too.