Spitballers Comedy Podcast: "Mike’s Best Day & Things That are Orange – Spit Hits!"

Episode 325 — February 5, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Episode Overview

This raucous episode features the Spitballers trio — Andy, Mike, and Jason — plus a rare "scat" attempt from their producer, Papa Josh. True to form, the group delivers clean, fast-paced, and irreverent comedy, riffing on wild hypotheticals, dad observations, fantasy creatures, and the absolute worst places to spend the night. Nonsense and hilarity abound as they debate questions of power, honesty, nostalgia, and survival — all with their signature dad-joke banter.

Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Papa Josh’s Scat Debut

[01:22 – 02:21]

• Papa Josh opens with a comedic “scat”, starting late and missing the beat, leading to friendly ribbing.
• “What he did because doing it late made it so great.” – Andy [01:49]
• “You get one shot. You get one crack, it gets in your head… and then you realize you're off rhythm.” – Andy [02:02]
• The guys joke about Papa Josh’s rhythm and tease the odds of him trying again before another 325 episodes.

2. Would You Rather: Life of Comfort or Commanding an Army of Dwarves?

[03:20 – 10:14]

• Option 1: Free house, food, and all basic needs.
• Option 2: Command a loyal army of 1,000 dwarves (think Tolkien—4–5 feet, bearded, strong miners).
• Debates include:
  • Can dwarves provide everything you need, including electricity, food, house-building?
  • Logistics: “Four to five feet tall is not that short.” – Jason [05:13].
  • Business ideas, whether dwarves would sustain themselves, transport, and underground living.
  • The unique temptation of power over comfort.
    • “If my house cannot be… they can't generate enough revenue, I think I could take someone else's house with an army!” – Jason [08:07]
• Selections:
  • Andy & Jason: Army of dwarves.
  • Mike: Life of comfort.

3. The Arizona ‘Caliche’ Pool Dig Conspiracy

[10:22 – 12:14]

• Local homeowners rarely have basements due to “caliche”, a hard rock justifying higher pool-dig charges.
• The guys suspect pool companies exaggerate the obstacle for profit.
  • “This is bull crap by Big Pool in Arizona…” – Mike [10:24]
  • “I hit a rock! Charge them quadruple!” – Andy [12:01]
• Laughter around occupational up-charging and local parent homeowner gripes.

4. Would You Rather: X-Ray Vision vs. Truth Sense

[12:15 – 19:00]

• Option 1: See through physical things (walls, fridges, bank vaults).
• Option 2: See through figurative things (lies, fake promises, dishonesty).
• Extended banter about when X-ray vision would actually be useful (fridge contents, hide and seek dominance, traffic...), versus the psychological weight of knowing everyone’s real intentions.
  • “I don’t think I want to see through the lies, the fake feelings… I don’t know if we could handle as human beings knowing everyone’s genuine thoughts.” – Andy [12:32]
  • “It would be so incredible... Imagine living in a world where you know what is true and what is not true, man.” – Mike [14:44]
• Conclusion: They mostly lean toward the power to see through dishonesty, but with some reservations.

5. Would You Rather: Mood-Matched Music or Instant Nostalgia?

[19:45 – 22:29]

• Option 1: Every song you hear perfectly matches your mood.
• Option 2: Every song triggers a specific forgotten memory or emotion.
• Nostalgia’s power is especially noted by the dads:
  • “It’s incredible when you put on a song that transports you right back…” – Andy [20:52]
  • “When it happens, it is real, it is powerful, it is emotional.” – Andy [21:12]
• They reflect on how music triggers memories as you age, not just emotion management.
• Selections: All hosts choose the nostalgia option.

6. Would You Rather: Last Person on Earth (Solo vs. New Neighbors)

[25:17 – 31:39]

• Scenario: You're the last person on earth.
  • Option 1: One known companion.
  • Option 2: Every year, ten random people spawn beside you.
• Debates about loneliness, repopulation, logistics of survival, whether it’s even possible (or worth it) to keep living totally alone.
  • “I think that if you had one other person… you’re going to experience that same thing. It’s not enough people.” – Andy [26:52]
• Humorous tangents about trying to escape to Hawaii solo and the reality of navigating the world alone.

7. Would You Improve Happiness or Diminish Sadness (for All Humanity)?

[31:44 – 35:31]

• A local wizard offers to either:
  • Increase everyone’s happiness in happy memories, or
  • Lessen everyone’s pain in sad memories.
• Philosophical reflection on what shapes us more — highs or lows.
  • “When you have sad moments, they teach you what happiness is… you don’t know happy without sad.” – Andy [32:35]
  • “I think it’s the sadness. I think you mitigate the sadness… studies I have seen have been: what’s more important, to think positive or to think negative less?” – Mike [34:28]
• Guidance from ChatGPT (!) tips the guys toward sadness mitigation as the more impactful global change.

8. Finger Replacement: Knife, Lighter, Flashlight, Spork, or Sharpie?

[35:32 – 42:18]

• Choose one:
  • A built-in refillable lighter
  • A permanent 6-inch knife blade
  • A rechargeable 2000-lumen flashlight
  • A finger spork
  • A Sharpie that never dries up
• Hilarious speculation on logistics for writing, danger of a gigantic finger knife, and advances in candle lighting technology.
  • “That’s going to cause a lot of problems. It’s way too big. It’s not a finger-sized knife.” – Andy [36:30]
  • “My hand is basically a spork… It’s nature’s spork.” – Mike [39:55]
• Selections: Most hosts pick the flashlight for practicality/self-defense; no love for the spork or knife.

9. Spitballers Draft: Worst Places to Be Stuck Overnight

[44:34 – 62:28]

Top Picks & Hilarious Analysis:

• Andy: Upside down on a roller coaster (“You are dead.”), haunted cemetery, jail cell, coffin (“My claustrophobia would not... I couldn't do it.” – Andy [60:14])
• Jason: Open ocean, tiny raft (“Just the size of the ocean, there’s nothing...”). War zone, top of Mount Everest, Amazon Rainforest (“You’re dead. The amount of things that will crawl on you while you sleep is unfathomable...” – Andy [58:38])
• Mike: Porta potty, ski lift, lion exhibit, abandoned hospital (“They're large and you're alone...the walls have seen many things.” – Mike [58:05])
• Laugh-out-loud detours debating whether you can “fall” out of a bed vs. “roll” out, how to survive upside down (spoiler: you can't for long), carnivorous Amazon ants, and whether a haunted house or boss’s office is more terrifying.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I just want an army. That’d be awesome.” – Jason, on the dwarf brigade [09:59]
• “Is that bull crap by Big Pool in Arizona?” – Mike, on ‘caliche’ & pool digging [10:24]
• “You don’t want to see through people’s lies? …Imagine living in a world where you know what’s true and what is not true!” – Mike [14:44]
• “If you're less sad, you're also happier, right? It is kind of a trick.” – Andy, on happiness vs. sadness [35:28]
• “My hand is basically a spork.” – Mike [39:55]
• “Could you fall asleep in that cemetery if that was your way out…?” – Jason, on the coffin challenge [61:47]

Important Timestamps

• Papa Josh’s Scat Attempt: [01:22]
• Would You Rather — Dwarves vs. Comfort: [03:20]
• Arizona Caliche Pool Digging: [10:22]
• See-Through Vision vs. Detecting Lies: [12:15]
• Music: Mood Match vs. Nostalgia: [19:45]
• Last Person on Earth, Re-population Dilemma: [25:17]
• Wizard’s Offer: Boost Happiness or Diminish Sadness: [31:44]
• Super Finger Replacement: [35:32]
• Spitballers Draft: [44:34]
• Discussion: Falling off stuff (bed/bunk/Everest): [54:54]
• Draft Leftovers & Final Revelations: [62:39]

Conclusion

This episode was classic Spitballers: absurd hypotheticals, side-splitting tangents, and whip-smart banter about the ridiculous minutiae of everyday (and fantasy) life. With topics ranging from literal armies of dwarves to controlling your musical memories and surviving the Amazon, the hosts deliver fast, accessible, and thoroughly clean comedy for the whole family.

If you ever wondered whether you’d prefer to command a thousand dwarves, trust your boss with your life in a basementless Arizona house, or whether your hand would be better off as an always-ready flashlight — Episode 325 is a must-listen.