Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode 354: Prison Retreats & Ways to Kill a Spider
Release Date: January 26, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

Episode Overview

This high-energy, award-winning trio dives into hilarious hypotheticals, age-old "would you rather" butt-of-the-joke topics, absurd life advice, and, in this episode, a heated draft on the best (or wildest) ways to kill a spider. The banter weaves through pop culture blindspots, existential questions about prison, and the practicality of bidets in outhouses. Just your typical Monday with the Spitballers—ridiculous, laugh-out-loud clean comedy.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Would You Rather: From Musketeers to Prison Retreats

(Starts ~02:49)

• Musketeers vs. Three Stooges

  • The Spitballers try (and fail) to recall Musketeer canon or Three Stooges history but get distracted dissecting the comedy troupe’s cultural relevance.
  • Jason: “If it is like the 1960s or earlier, it might as well be the 1200s. There’s no difference to me.” (05:25)
  • Indecisiveness reigns, but Andy leans Musketeers, while Mike would take Stooges for sheer chaos.

• Pitch Black Room for a Week vs. Blinding Light for a Month

  • Team darkness retreat! Andy and Jason both prefer the intrigue and privacy of a week in pitch dark over the potential sleep-deprivation of never-ending light.
  • Andy: “I want darkness... If I’m in the darkness, no one can see me. I’m hidden away.” (09:25)
  • Outhouse bidets and Amish/Jewish bathroom jokes ensue, leading to a tangent on what it would take to use a bidet in an outhouse.

• Bidet Dilemmas & the Power of Kool-Aid

  • Would you rather poop in a comfortable indoor toilet or in an outhouse that has a bidet? The bidet “bro” pride runs deep.
  • The hosts spiral into a fantasy: a tap in your kitchen or bathroom that dispenses free, ice-cold Kool-Aid—or, in Mike’s dream, root beer or IPA. Would you drink it if it came out of your toilet? Sure.

2. High Stakes: Wrongful Convictions and Prison Ownership

(Starts ~19:34)

• Wrongfully Imprisoned Beloved vs. Social Pariah Acquitted

  • Would you rather be wrongfully convicted but beloved (think “Netflix hero”?), or acquitted but shunned as a pariah?
  • Andy: “The world cannot think that I am some sort of—there are some heinous categories… I won’t get into.” (20:27)
  • The nuance comes down to the “heinous” index. For murder or true horror, nobody wants to bear the stigma.

• How Many Years in Prison for an NBA Team?

  • If you could own the Portland Trailblazers, how long would you serve in prison?
  • Jason: “Ten years. I’m a decade. And if I got to go longer to beat Mike, I probably will.” (23:03)
  • Mike: “You can talk me into, like, one or two.” (24:21)
  • Spirals into banter about quality-of-life “voluntary prison” with built-in jacuzzis—a recurring fantasy.

3. Baller Dash: The Lying Game

(Starts ~31:32)

• Classic Spitballers trivia/lying game. Categories include:
  • Weird Word: “Segoglin” (Answer: crooked or tilted)
  • Notable Person: Jim Priceman (Answer: found and returned $37.1 million)
  • Acronym: CQC (Answer: Continuous Quality Check)
  • Movie Plot: “Greaser’s Palace” (Answer: a suited evangelist performs miracles with his boogie woogie act)
  • Weird Law: Simsbury, Connecticut – illegal to campaign at the town dump
• Jason dominates the round after donning fake tattoo sleeves, becoming the “Baller Dash” champion.
  • Andy: “The tats work. That’s a four-point—oh, my gosh.” (43:46)
  • Jason: “I just needed some ink in my veins.” (44:44)

4. Draft: Most Effective (or Overkill) Ways to Kill a Spider

(Starts ~49:21)

• Top Draft Picks:
  • Mike: Fire (the meme classic, blowtorch, hairspray, whatever it takes)
  • Jason: Nuclear Bomb (only the most dramatic)
  • Andy: The Boot (“it’s not the shoe, it’s the boot” – for extra protection)
• Other picks include:
  • Poison/Bug Spray, Sticky Trap, Slap (bare hand), Bug Zapper racket, Call Jeremy (let someone else do it), Fly Swatter, Release a Lizard, Broom (“the most used killing machine for spiders”), and, for showmanship, the Macho Man Randy Savage Elbow Drop.
• Classic moment:
  • Jason (on calling Jeremy for spider kills): “I have been in other cities and had Jeremy drive to me, no, across cities, to protect me and my family from monstrous demon spiders.” (60:43)
  • Andy: “He’s a big, big baby.”
  • Discussion detours into whether a broom genuinely kills or merely transplants spiders, and “spider colonies” now living in Jason’s cleaning equipment.
  • Andy: “You have thousands of spears, it’s a transportation device... They’re in your pantry right now.” (68:08)
• Mike closes with a wild-card finisher: “Macho Man Randy Savage Elbow Drop.” (69:09)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Clean Comedy:
  • Andy: “We all need a little nonsense in our everyday lives.”
• On History & Pop Culture Knowledge Gaps:
  • Jason: “If it’s like the 1960s or earlier, it might as well be the 1200s.” (05:25)
• On Spider Warfare:
  • Jason: “If I had access to a nuclear bomb where I could take me and the spider out so I don’t have to deal with this—probably.” (51:31)
• On Household Hierarchies:
  • Mike (on bidet vs. outhouse): “You tell me I get away from my family 20ft and get bidet, I don’t care. I will poop out there and stay there.” (13:30)
• On Personal Growth:
  • Jason (post-tattoo sleeves victory): “I learned that tattoos make you smarter, baby. I sleeved up and I owned on Baller Dash.” (72:44)
• On Paying for NBA Ownership:
  • Jason: “How long would you serve in prison for the Portland Trailblazers? ... Ten years. I’m a decade.” (22:29)
• On Spiders in Your Broom:
  • Andy: “Every spider you’ve ever done that to is alive inside that broom.” (68:08)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:49 – Would You Rather: Musketeers/Stooges & Darkness Retreats
• 13:05 – Bidet/Outhouse/Niche hygiene comedy
• 19:34 – Wrongful conviction vs. public opinion, Prison for Blazers?
• 31:32 – Baller Dash lying/trivia game
• 49:21 – Draft: Ways to kill a spider
• 60:43 – “Call Jeremy” and Jason’s spider phobia
• 68:08 – Broom as a spider “killer” and the spider colony debate

Episode Flow & Final Takeaways

• The Spitballers maintain their signature unserious, rapid-fire banter, seamlessly pivoting from absurd hypotheticals to personal confessions of arachnophobia.
• The episode is a perfect illustration of their ability to improvise lasting jokes from fleeting “would you rather” setups and bad Google knowledge.
• Final wisdom?
  • Sometimes you’re braver than you think, at least if you’ve got armor, a friend named Jeremy, or a boot handy.
  • Mike: “I learned that we are very uneducated about the three musketeers.” (72:50)
  • Andy: “Jason’s got a lot of spiders still living in those brooms, baby.” (72:37)

If you want to laugh at existential crises, bidet debates, prison-for-profit scenarios, and spider-war trauma, this Spitballers episode is peak dad-comedy gold.