Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: The Bird Gang & Things That Make You Feel Self Conscious - Spit Hits!

Released: February 12, 2026

Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Episode Overview

In this episode, the Spitballers tackle a broad and hilarious set of topics—namely, things that make us all feel self-conscious. Throughout, Andy, Mike, and Jason deliver their trademark blend of relatable humor, rapid-fire banter, and “life advice you should never take,” alongside their recurring segments “Would You Rather,” “Is This Real Life,” and the Spitballers Draft.

This episode is a true showcase of their clean and family-friendly yet genuinely funny comedy style, as the trio riff on everything from intense dental hygiene and animal analogies to the perils of parking and the universal awkwardness of being the “uncool parent.” Along the way, they sprinkle in viral news stories (from depressed bears to birds wrapped in tortillas) and dig deep into what makes a person self-conscious.

Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Things That Make You Feel Self-Conscious (Episode Theme)

• Introduction & Cold Open
  • The guys riff about dental hygiene, water picks, and the anxiety over “things that make you feel self-conscious.”
  • Andy frames the episode: “Today we are drafting things that make you feel self-conscious.” (02:29)
  • The trio jokes about their staff, giving each a “bird” nickname (falcon, owl, vulture) and debating which is the baldest—or ugliest—bird.
  • Notable line:
    • “A vulture is one of the ugliest birds.” – Andy (04:13)

2. Would You Rather (03:29–34:56)

• Talent vs. Ability vs. Skill

  • The team debates the nuanced differences between “talent,” “ability,” and “skill,” prompted by in-office pickleball battles.
  • They recall a staff member claiming he had “too much talent to place the ball where he wants.”
  • Mike: “Is talent just like the ceiling you’re born with? Some people, like, I was encoded with just a…musical talent.” (07:36)
  • Jason: “If you have the ability, that automatically comes with talent…If I’ve got the ability to dominate on a basketball court, then I will be a talented basketball player.” (09:34)
  • The trio agrees skill ultimately wins out—with Jason using Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps as references.

• Height, Weight, and Vanity

  • “Would you rather be 6’4” and slim but with constant back pain, or 5’0” and a little chubby but feel great?” (12:43)
  • Lively debate ensues about height, the “power dynamics” of being tall, and how being the shortest person in the room impacts confidence.
  • Jason: “There’s gotta be some psychology that comes along with that…Physically, you look down on people.” (15:15)
  • Andy: “Looking up at somebody is a bad feeling.” (16:54)

• Claustrophobia vs. Darkness

  • “Would you rather crawl 100 yards through a tight cave, or spend a night in pitch-black, underground darkness?”
  • Discussion veers into the terrors of cave spiders, bats, and what it means to be truly claustrophobic.
  • Jason: “When I watch someone go into one of these tiny sliver caves…my feet disappear, I can barely breathe.” (23:43)
  • All three end up choosing the darkness.

• Hot Air Balloon vs. Hang Gliding

  • “With no training, would you rather try to pilot a hot air balloon or hang glide off a cliff?” (28:50)
  • Andy: “The essence of a hot air balloon is, it’s the Eeyore of adrenaline!” (28:57)
  • Mike and Jason ultimately choose hang gliding (more personal control), Andy goes for the balloon (less risk).

3. Is This Real Life? (34:56–44:31)

• Introduced as: “Stories in the news lately we can’t quite believe…”

• Florida: Depressed Bear Selfie Epidemic

  • Jason relays the story of police issuing warnings about people taking selfies with a traumatized black bear.
  • Jason: “‘The bear has shown signs of stress—stressed, depressed, lemon zest.’ That was how the bear is feeling!” (37:42)
  • The guys riff on the phrase “lemon zest” and question how anyone knows if a bear is depressed.

• Vermont: Lawmaker’s Five-Month Water Prank

  • Mike covers a Vermont representative who secretly poured water in a rival’s bag for five months—caught by sting operation.
  • Mike: “Level of petty that I am admiring greatly.” (39:31)
  • Jason: “This feels like councilman Jam from Parks & Rec—‘You got jammed!’” (41:09)

• Texas: Owl Saved by a Tortilla

  • Andy shares a feel-good headline: “Texas family saves orphaned baby bird by wrapping it in a tortilla.”
  • The guys crack up imagining a “birdrito” and discuss burrito-blanket products now for sale thanks to this viral story.
  • Mike: “Maybe we need a new one…bird ritos.”

4. Spitballers Draft: Things That Make You Feel Self-Conscious (46:33–END)

Each host chooses their top self-conscious triggers, with comedic stories and debates.

Drafted Picks:

• Mike:

  1. Wearing shirts that are too tight
  2. Calling someone by the wrong name
  3. Accidentally touching hands (or feet) with someone
  4. Parking in public (especially with an audience)

• Jason:

  1. Going to the gym (fear of being watched or judged)
  2. Swimming in public (the “topless” swimsuit dilemma for men)
  3. Being a “Karen” (complaining about food or returning items)
  4. Having bad breath

• Andy:

  1. Dancing in public, especially as a tall guy
  2. Trying to act like a “cool dad” in front of kids' friends
  3. Under- or overdressing for an event
  4. Child’s public meltdown

Other Notable Picks & Stories:

• The anxiety of running into people you’re supposed to know but don’t recognize (Jason)
• Spelling in public and “starting a story that clearly isn’t going to land, but having to finish it” (Andy)
• The challenge of parking spots that are comically small–“I’ll bypass a closer, tight spot to find an easier place to park in.” (67:12, Mike)
• Not getting a joke when everyone else does (Mike)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Differences between Talent, Skill, and Ability

• Mike (07:36): “Is talent…the ceiling you are born with? Some people, like, I was encoded with a musical talent. But then I had to hone it, be taught, and work on it. Then it became a…skill.”
• Jason (09:34): “If you have the ability, that automatically comes with talent…If I’ve got the ability to dominate on a basketball court, then I will be a talented basketball player.”

On Height and Power Dynamics

• Jason (15:15): “There’s gotta be some psychology that comes along with [being taller than others]…Because I will tell you this, on the other side…I feel a little self conscious. I don’t feel self conscious. I feel like a loser.”
• Andy (16:54): “Looking up at somebody is a bad feeling.”

“Is This Real Life?” Segment

• Jason (37:42): “It [the bear] was described as, quote, stressed, depressed, [and] lemon zest. That was how the bear is feeling!”
• Mike (39:31): “A level of petty that I am admiring greatly.” (About the Vermont lawmaker water prank)

Draft Picks - Self-Conscious Stories

• Mike (47:22): “When your shirt is too tight around the midsection, you are uncomfortable the entire day. It’s all I can think about.”
• Jason (48:36): “Going to the gym, I feel very self-conscious…I don’t want to use a machine when other people are, like, say, two machines away.”
• Andy (51:32): “Dancing in public—We all look the same, like weirdo owlbirds. Like birds dancing around with too many limbs.”
• Mike (55:15): “Calling someone the wrong name…like, you could’ve met him the night before.”
• Jason (54:24): “I’m topless. Which is…that’s how you refer to a man without a top on. I go topless at the beach, water parks…I don’t have a shirt—take that! That’s the worst.”
• Andy (63:24): “Not much feels more self-conscious than when your small child is acting up or throwing a giant fit in public.”

Other Classic Moments & Banter

• Jason (71:31): “I don’t want people looking at my Google history…but it’s not because of bad searches. It’s for misspelled words.”
• Andy (70:49): “Starting a story and realizing it’s not going to land, but having to finish it.”
• Mike (69:12): On parking, “I will bypass a closer, tight spot to find an easier place to park in. 100% will do that.”

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Episode theme & intro banter: 01:07–03:16
• Would You Rather segment: 03:29–32:36
• Is This Real Life? segment: 34:56–44:31
• Spitballers Draft—Self-Conscious Triggers: 46:33–end

Final Thoughts

This episode is packed with hilarious, personal, and deeply relatable moments about the everyday anxieties of adulthood, filtered through the Spitballers’ energetic and self-deprecating humor. Listeners will find themselves nodding along as the trio confess the little things that make everyone feel out of place, judged, or just plain awkward—all while delivering punchlines and memorable stories.

If you’ve ever second-guessed your parking skills, worried about being the “uncool dad,” or lived in fear of a public wardrobe malfunction—this one’s for you.