Alzheimer’s Changes Everything

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown

Episode: "Alzheimer’s Changes Everything" (September 18, 2024)

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Squeezed centers on Jessica, a 36-year-old caregiver who has devoted the past decade to caring for her mother, Constance (affectionately called CG), who is now living with late-stage Alzheimer’s. Hosted by Yvette Nicole Brown—herself a longtime caregiver—the conversation explores the deeply personal, financial, and emotional realities of young caregivers. The episode delves into the sacrifices, identity shifts, and unique challenges Jessica faces as a young Black woman navigating caregiving, with special attention to the theme of finding connection, support, and purpose in the most trying of circumstances.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Heart of Caregiving: Jessica and CG’s Story

• The episode opens with a touching archived recording of Jessica and her mother singing gospel together—capturing both the closeness of their bond and the profound loss as CG has become nonverbal due to Alzheimer’s. (00:07)
• Jessica started her caregiving journey in her 20s, completely shifting her life plans, career, and finances to put her mother’s needs first. (01:45)
• Host Yvette draws a parallel between her own experience and Jessica's but highlights, “I became a caregiver in my 40s. You became a full-time caregiver in your 20s. That’s different.” (15:21)

2. Early Signs and Diagnosis

• Jessica recounts the first signs something was wrong: loss of routine, repetition, misplacement of items, and a serious car accident. (08:45)
• “I went straight into, well, let's make a plan. I went straight into labeling cabinets... giving her list of things to do to stay busy. There was no time in my mind to be sad... it was a confirmation. Cool. I only know about this from Grey’s Anatomy, but I do know this is going to get bad.” (09:32)

3. Long-Distance Caregiving and Unsustainable Sacrifice

• For years, Jessica balanced a full-time teaching job in Dallas with caring for her mom in Virginia, traveling cross-country every two weeks, meal prepping, and managing bills. (10:25)
• “I don’t even know how I focused on work, because my head was always here in Virginia.” (10:25)

4. The Tipping Point: Moving Home

• As CG’s condition worsened, hired help and remote management were no longer enough. Jessica describes her fear of public perception, particularly after learning her mom appeared disheveled at church. (14:15)
• “A lady called me from church. She said, ‘We’re concerned about your mom. She kind of smelled.’ And I was like, that’s it, that's it... My biggest fear was other people talking about my mom... That was like, the trigger for me.” (14:15)

5. The Emotional Costs and Rewards of Caregiving

• Jessica openly discusses feelings of resentment and loss when she chose to leave her career and life in Dallas, and the eventual gratitude she felt for being present with her mother in ways she never had before. (15:55)
• “It only took me being home for four to six months to realize that it was the best choice I could have ever made... I saw her as Constance and not as her disease.” (15:55)
• “There were moments when I was resentful. I was like, I didn’t choose this. Like, I was angry. But then you come home and you see someone who is so genuine and loving and full of joy. And you’re like, you can’t be mad at that, you know?” (16:25)

6. The Financial Toll

• Jessica details spending $4,000–$6,000 per month on care, accruing significant debt—a reflection of the burden many caregivers face, with the average caregiver spending 30% of their income on care costs. (19:03)
• Unable to qualify for Medicaid until her savings were spent, she couldn’t afford a long-term care facility, illustrating systemic gaps in support for family caregivers. (20:00)

7. A Day in the Life / The Reality of Late-Stage Alzheimer’s

• The podcast includes live audio of Jessica’s gentle, practical, and loving morning routine with CG, underscoring the physical demands: “I think people often think like, oh, well, she’s in the bed, things must be easier. And it’s actually like, no, because she can’t do anything. And so her hydration, her, like, nourishment... is all dependent on me.” (22:55)

8. Isolation and Finding Support

• Jessica discusses the loneliness of caregiving, especially in the early years, and the unexpected absence of family support: “Family was probably the most disappointing part of this journey... Nowhere to be found.” (24:06)
• Social media becomes a critical coping mechanism and connection point, where she finds solidarity with other caregivers around the world, providing both support and a way to ask for help. (24:29)
• “No one shows up for you like another caregiver.” (25:07)

9. Preserving CG’s Dignity and Spirit

• Jessica describes her conscious effort to help her mother thrive and remain visible despite her illness—organizing vibrant birthday celebrations and ensuring she’s treated with dignity. (26:10)
• “It starts with the stories that I tell about her. The ways in which I talk to her and around her is still uplifting and filled with life and affirmation.” (26:10)

10. Lessons and Takeaways

• Both Yvette and Jessica reflect on the importance of “just showing up” and the grace in accepting that some days simply being there is enough. (27:03)
• The episode closes with another affectionate exchange between Jessica and CG, singing “Goodnight Sweetheart,” exemplifying both the heartache and the enduring love in their journey. (28:12)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “People may think that these notes are gonna be groundbreaking. They’re really mundane. It’s things like ‘You’re home and you’re safe.’”
  — Yvette Nicole Brown (05:14)
• “My mom was the epitome: love and light and brilliance and taking up space in rooms.”
  — Jessica (06:02)
• “Do I wish I had a partner? Yes. And at the same time, this is a season. It’s not forever... the biggest thing that we don’t talk about enough is just the financial hit that I took.”
  — Jessica (18:30)
• “No one shows up for you like another caregiver.”
  — Jessica (25:07)
• “It starts with the stories I tell about her... so all of those moments, she feels and she knows that she’s deeply loved. That’s what matters most.”
  — Jessica (26:10)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 0:07 – Jessica and CG sing gospel together
• 1:45–3:09 – Jessica’s caregiving journey begins and is introduced by Yvette
• 8:45 – Early signs of Alzheimer’s and diagnosis
• 10:25 – Balancing long-distance caregiving and a full-time job
• 14:15 – The turning point: community concern and Jessica’s decision to move home
• 15:21 – Host Yvette on the difference caregiving age makes
• 19:03 – The financial toll of caregiving
• 22:55 – Daily realities of late-stage Alzheimer’s and physical caregiving
• 24:06–25:07 – Family support disappointments and the importance of community care
• 26:10 – Maintaining CG’s dignity and joy
• 28:12 – Closing song and final exchanges between Jessica and CG

---

Tone & Language

The episode is honest, empathetic, at times somber, but always filled with warmth and resilience. Both Yvette and Jessica speak with candor, humor, and a spirit of solidarity, making the experience accessible and deeply human for listeners.

---

Conclusion

“Alzheimer’s Changes Everything” offers an intimate, unfiltered look at the challenges and rewards of family caregiving, especially for younger caregivers facing unique pressures. Jessica’s story is a testament to perseverance, love, and the power of community—both online and off—to help caregivers feel seen, supported, and less alone.

---

Key Resource Mentioned:
The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline: 800-272-3900 (11:31).

Endnote:
Listeners are reminded that sometimes, just showing up really is enough and are inspired by Jessica’s unwavering devotion:

“Get some rest, my dear... I’ll see you in the morning.”
— Jessica & CG (29:02–29:05)

---

Transcript

[Jessica]

Lemonada.

[Constance (CG)]

It's me, it's me, O Lord Standing on the need of prayer it's not your mama but your daughter but it's me, O Lord Standing on the lead of prayer it's me, it's me, O Lord Standing on the need of.

[Jessica]

Prayer oh, you did good.

[Constance (CG)]

Yeah, we did real good.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Those two people harmonizing with each other are Jessica and her mom, Constance, who goes by the initials cg. Jessica and CG share a love of gospel songs, like that one, Standing in the need of prayer. As someone who has heard many versions of this classic gospel hit, let me tell you, Jessica and CG did it justice. But that recording was from five years ago. These days, CG is living with late stage Alzheimer's and is mostly non verbal.

[Jessica]

Good morning, Constance. Today is January 1st, 2023. Ain't that something? We got to fix this hair.

[Constance (CG)]

Don't call my, my, my, my, my.

[Jessica]

I'm sorry, but we are going to fix your hair, if that's okay. Okay. Gonna braid it up for you.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Jessyca, who's 36, started caring for her mom full time a decade ago. Growing up, it was just the two of them and they've always been really close. So when her mom needed help, Jessyca showed up. I see a lot of myself and Jessica. We've been our parents caretakers for about the same amount of time. We're child free. We've reshuffled our own priorities and life plans to put our parents in first place. And we've seen what Alzheimer's has taken from them, like their health, independence and memory. As caregivers thrown into the ring unexpectedly, we quickly learn just how much our identities and purpose shifted, how much they had to shift. But there's one major difference in our stories. I started taking care of my dad in my 40s. Jessica was only in her 20s. Over the years, Jessica has had to make a lot of sacrifices to be there for her mom, including financial ones. And as a young black woman caring for someone with Alzheimer's, Jessica represents the caregivers who are taking the biggest financial hit in our country. This is squeezed and I'm your host, eyvette Nicole Brown. Episode 6 Meet Jessica.

[Jessica]

I went on my evening walk and I added another hill. Well, today I just went to go look at it like I walked and I was like, I ain't going down that I turned back around and came anyway. Move your body.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

That's Jessica walking around the neighborhood she grew up in. About an hour north of Richmond, Virginia. Jessica has her arm outstretched Phone in hand, recording a video for her Instagram. She does this most days so her followers, all 35,000 of them, can get a sense of her life as a young at home caregiver.

[Jessica]

I just watered my garden. I got some squash coming in, more peppers. We about to have a boatload of tomatoes, which I'm so excited about. And now I'm going to shower and then go feed cg. We rocking and rolling.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

When she's not going live, Jessica's posting photos and videos with her mom, cg. Memories from years ago when they're singing or joking around together. And more recent posts of a quieter CG who's now fully dependent on Jessica. I've been following Jessica on Instagram for a while now. She started posting at 26, when she was working a full time job and supporting her mom. Even through a phone screen, Jessica's easy to connect with, so I couldn't wait to talk to her one on one.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

I feel like I'm about to have a conversation with myself because we've both been longtime caregivers for a parent for 10 years. So I fully understand your journey in a way that most people probably don't. There's one thing that I saw in, I think it was a video that I saw on YouTube about you, the notes. I just wanted to.

[Jessica]

Oh, my gosh.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Show you my notes.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

I'm showing Jessica my stack of multicolored note cards. Those cards saved my dad from a lot of confusion in the early stages of his Alzheimer's, and I knew Jessica would be able to relate.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

People may think that these notes are gonna be like, groundbreaking. They're really mundane. It's things like you're home and you're safe. Yeah.

[Jessica]

Things like when I was traveling for work. Jessica is back in Texas. You are safe. This is your home. You are okay. Here is your dinner. Please heat up in the microwave for X number of minutes and sit down at your TV tray. Like literally basic commands.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Mine. Mine is I am at the grocery store. You are retired and you have no job to go to. You are safe. Yeah, you know, it's little things like that. It's just really nice to talk to you because I know that you know what this is. There's a shorthand here. Can you tell me an anecdote about your mom that describes who she is as a person? Tell us about Constance or Connie.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Cg.

[Jessica]

Cg. Oh, my gosh. My mom was the owner, or was the owner of Hair by Connie in Alexandria, Virginia. She was a leader. She was bold. She was Creative. She was traveling around the world for hair shows. My mom was the epitome love and light and brilliance and taking up space in rooms and being an only child, I got to see her in her element for a long time, whether it was in the hair salon or in the church. So that's CG in a nutshell.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

You know, it's funny, CG sounds a lot like my mom, Fran. My mom has passed on, but my mother was the most vibrant. You know, she entered a room and you knew she was there. So I think that they would have been buddies. I think CG and Franny would have hit the streets. What kind of things bring your mom back? Like they say music, they say certain movies, like my dad is the Five Heartbeats. I've joked a thousand times, when they get their next residual check, it is going to be huge, and it will be because of Mr. Omar. So what is it for your mom that if you put this song on or you pull this dress out of the closet, she is coming right back and is with you?

[Jessica]

It's always been singing gospel music. And when she could speak, and even now that she can't speak, you can tell she goes back to a moment or she gets really calm. I would also say that when she could still, like see the TV and really engage, listen, you put any old movie with old black actors, she'd be like, oh, he is fine. You know, like, so she. She was always flirting with the tv, you know, but you could tell that she was, you know, that's who she was in real life. And then I think, you know, my mom has always been a dresser. She's always been someone who has looked good. She was a hairdresser, so her hair was always done. And so even now, the process of washing her hair and braiding her hair and oiling her scalp, when I tell you, cg, she just looks brand new smile on her face because it takes her back to a moment where she would do that for herself.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah, and others. You're doing for her what she did for others, which is also amazing.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

But pre caregiving, Jessica was building a life for herself in Dallas, Texas, where she was a high school teacher. By then, CG had sold the hair salon and was working as an educator for kids with special needs. Despite the 1,200 miles between them, Jessyca and her mom kept in touch often. They talked about their daily ups and downs and got to know each other's routines by heart. So it was pretty clear to Jessyca when things started to shift.

[Jessica]

I Knew something was off when she was no longer working the routine. And so things like getting lost, coming home from school, repeating herself consistently, losing things she would never really lose, like, not just keys, but, like, where'd I put that? You know, where's my bag? Even though she was someone who put her bag in the same place every day, Right? And then she also got in a car accident. And my mom drove to church multiple times a week. My mom took the same route to church, so I knew that she knew what she was doing, but she completely totaled her car. And I was like, oh, no, this is. This is something.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Three months later, a doctor confirmed that CG was likely living with early onset Alzheimer's.

[Jessica]

And I went straight into, well, let's make a plan. I went straight into labeling cabinets. I went straight into giving her list of things to do to stay busy. So it was like, there was no time in my mind to be sad. There was no time to, like, be like, oh, my gosh, it was a confirmation. Cool. I only know about this from Grey's Anatomy, but I do know this is going to get bad. Let me make sure she's set up. And I leaned into my education background and. And kept it moving.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

For the first couple of years of her mom's diagnosis, Jessyca gave CG workbooks to fill out and a list of to dos to check off every day. But remember, Jessyca was doing most of this remotely from Dallas, nearly three hours away by plane. Soon enough, Jessyca realized that those lists and workbooks could only help so much.

[Jessica]

But then that evolved into, I now needed to call my mom for, like, every transition of time. And so it's like, I'm calling you to wake you up. Okay, great. I'm gonna call you back to now. Make sure you have your breakfast. And if I wasn't calling her, she was then calling me because she forgot that I spoke to her. And when I think about it, I don't even know how I focused on work, because my head was always here in Virginia. And so it got to a point that I was on a flight, you know, every two weeks from Dallas, staying home for four to six days. And in that short window of time, it was meal prepping, cleaning, figuring out bills, right? Like, it was always, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. There was no slowdown. Let's just rest in the midst of this.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Eventually, Jessica started to face the facts. The status quo was unsustainable. Something had to give. More on that when we come back. Hi, Squeeze listeners.

[Alzheimer's Association Representative]

This episode that you're listening to is such a special and powerful story about caregiving for a loved one who is living with Alzheimer's and I want to share an important resource with you. The Alzheimer's Association's free 24. 7 helpline the Alzheimer's association is the go to organization for Alzheimer's care, support and research and their work is crucial to ensure caregivers and those living with Alzheimer's have the support and resources they need.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Their free 24.7helpline offers support day or night every day of the year. Whether you're living with Alzheimer's, caring for someone who is or simply need a listening ear, the Alzheimer's Association Helpline has you covered. The helpline is staffed by specialists who can provide a variety of resources from disease related literature to local support and care options, crisis assistance and emotional support. They can also help you register for free in person and virtual caregiver support groups and education programs.

[Alzheimer's Association Representative]

For more personalized assistance, you can connect with a care consultant, a dementia expert with a master's degree. These free consultations help you create a customized action plan to address your specific needs. The helpline offers Support in over 200 languages through bilingual staff and interpreter services. You can reach them by calling 800-272-3900, visiting alz.org and using the live chat feature for real time help or filling out their online contact for a response within 24 hours. So if you're looking for support information or ways to get involved, the Alzheimer's Association 24.7helpline is a fantastic resource.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

No one should face Alzheimer's or dementia alone. The Alzheimer's association is there to help.

[Jessica]

Yes ma'. Am. Look at you holding that cup.

[Constance (CG)]

You want some more?

[Jessica]

You need some help? Here's the straw. You gotta bring it close to you. So bring it to your face. Good. Bring it down. There you go.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Boom.

[Constance (CG)]

Go ahead girl.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

For the first five years of CG's Alzheimer's, Jessica had her mom on speed dial. She racked up a bunch of frequent flyer miles traveling between Texas and Virginia and she installed a camera to keep an eye on CG when she wasn't around. In 2019, Jessica even hired an at home caretaker to stop by three days a week. But it got to the point where not even that was enough.

[Jessica]

My mom was literally bolting out the door every five to 10 minutes and she was going across the street to the neighbor's house, sitting in the neighbor's garage, scaring them half to death. Right? Like my mom was no longer. It was that and her hygiene. My biggest fear was other people talking about my mom. Yeah.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Or thinking that she was unloved and uncared for. Uncared for.

[Jessica]

That was like, the trigger for me because a lady called me from church. She said, we're concerned about your mom. She kind of smelled. And I was like, that's it, that's it, that's it. And I would always watch her on the camera, but she put a dress on and then pants, and, like, she just did not look like Constance. Those moments, in addition to just the exhaustion, were like the straw that broke the camel's back. However, I also had spent the last nine years in Dallas building this life, building this career. So I was devastated. I remember sitting at one of my, like, executive coaches offices, and I remember telling her and crying at the time. And I can't dream. I can't see beyond this moment. I'm giving up so much. All this is happening to me. Like, I was just, like, in true victim mode. Right. It was like. It was just.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Which. Let me say this, though, Jessica, that's fair.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

You know what I mean?

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Like, don't. Please don't be hard on yourself about that, because I'm thinking about our journeys. I became a caregiver in my 40s. You became a caregiver, full time caregiver in your 20s. That's different. Like, I had lived. I had chased my dreams. I had moved to my city and done everything that I wanted to do. So by the time caring for my dad came into my life, I could say I got to live a little bit. You did it all at the time when you were supposed to be in.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

The world will say frivolous and fun and carefree.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

And you literally said, no, I'm gonna take care of my mom. So how did you deal with the.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Weight and that shift?

[Jessica]

It truly was a shift because in 2019, I was, oh, my goodness, this is awful. Yet it only took me being home for four to six months to realize that it was the best choice I could have ever made. And so I have a deep sense of gratitude for the opportunity to be present and to be proximate to my mom. I got to see my mom in a completely different light.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

That's right.

[Jessica]

And I saw her as Constance and not as her disease that I was trying to create systems for. But, like, there were moments when I was resentful. I was like, I didn't choose this. Like, I was angry. But then you come home and you see someone who is so genuine and loving and full of Joy. And you're like, I can't. You can't be bad at that, you know?

[Constance (CG)]

Good morning, C.G. good morning.

[Jessica]

You okay?

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

All right.

[Constance (CG)]

I mean, I'm so lovely. You understand. Oh, Lord, you so, so lovely. I'm still cool as I have already been.

[Jessica]

Oh, yes, ma'. Am.

[Alzheimer's Association Representative]

Yes.

[Jessica]

Oh, yes.

[Constance (CG)]

You know.

[Jessica]

Especially now in 2024, every day feels like magic time with my mom, because literally a year and a half ago, I put her on hospice. And when you reach a point of preparing for the end and then your person is still here, every day is like a gift. Every smile, every laugh, every opportunity to create connection.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Yes.

[Jessica]

And I'm not perfect. I don't have all the resources, but I. I. What I knew how to do was to show up for my mom.

[Alzheimer's Association Representative]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

And that looked like moving across the country. Ooh, I might cry.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Sorry.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

It's okay, honey. It's okay.

[Jessica]

That looked like moving across the country and putting, you know, my own opportunities on hold for a moment until I recalibrated. Showing up looked going on family caregiver leave so that when my mom was on hospice, I was fully present. You know, I don't have the answers to why she's losing weight, but I'm a meal prep the heck out of 40 meals and put them in the freezer. Right. And so I think that we underestimate the power of just getting up and trying again and showing up for your person that matters. That's how you get through the long haul of 10 years.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Absolutely. Absolutely. What did you have to give up to care for your mom? What did you have to set aside?

[Jessica]

The thing that people sometimes get caught up on is, like, relationships. But even honestly, like, I'm single. I've been doing this by myself for 10 years. Do I wish I had a partner? Yes. And at the same time, this is a season. It's not forever. I think the biggest thing that we don't talk about enough is just the financial hit that I took, and it's a. It's a lack of having the financial nest egg and future that I think people my age of 35 are building right now. You know, like, that's the real drain. That's the real thing that I kind of lost.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Jessica was spending between four to six thousand dollars a month to cover her mom's needs. She even went into credit card debt in the process, which she's still paying off today. And by the way, debt is common among family caregivers, who spend nearly 30% of their income on care costs. Jessica's savings and steady paychecks covered everything for her mom's day to day care. Things like external catheters or the fidget gloves that help CG with sensory stimulation. But about a year ago, Jessyca decided to quit her full time job to focus exclusively on taking care of cg.

[Jessica]

While my job enabled me to be a great caregiver, I also was beyond exhausted. Right? And I knew that I needed to be near my mom without being distracted and multitasking. Because even though I worked from home, I was still unintentionally putting her on the back burner.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Jessica had looked into a long term care facility for her mom, but even with a savings account and a decent paycheck, she still couldn't afford it. The only way that she would have been able to is is if she used up all of her savings. Only then does Medicaid kick in to cover long term care costs. Now what kind of logic is that? We've heard similar stories like this throughout. Squeezed and with no systems in place to actually care for the caregiver, we're forced to give up things like our jobs, which can feel really disempowering. So who or what can we look to for support? We'll hear more about that after the break.

[James Corden]

Hello, I'm James Corden, and on my new show, this Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people on planet Earth. From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore to David Beckham to Cynthia Erivo to Martin Scorsese to Jeremy Renner to Denzel Washington to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people, places, possessions, music, and memories that made them who they are. These are intimate conversations full of stories that you've never heard before. This Life of Mine premieres October 21st. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Constance (CG)]

Hello, Constance.

[Jessica]

How are you? You sleep okay?

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Mm.

[Jessica]

All right, let's sit you up, girl. Your hands are chilly. Oh, Lord.

[Constance (CG)]

Oh, Lord.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

This is what Jessica and CG's morning sounds like most of the time.

[Jessica]

Look at me. You see my hair? It's tight. Yeah, it's nice. Just like you used to do at Hair by Connie Fried. Dyed and laid to the side.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Constance Jessica, with her trademark energy and good humor, wakes up her mom and helps her sit upright in bed while patiently walking her through each step.

[Jessica]

So give me this arm, then I'm gonna take this knee. Okay, you ready? Let's roll over.

[Constance (CG)]

One, two, three.

[Jessica]

Good job.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

CG is now in stage seven of her Alzheimer's, which means she's fully bed bound and incontinent and relies on Jessica for everything.

[Jessica]

Now raise this arm for me. We're gonna wash under this arm.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

For what?

[Jessica]

For what? I gotta wash underneath your arm. That's for what.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

After getting CG ready for the day, Jessyca gets a chance to do the same for herself. But she's on her mom's timeline, not.

[Alzheimer's Association Representative]

The other way around.

[Jessica]

I think people often think like, oh, well, she's. She's in the bed, things must be easier. And it's actually like, no, because she can't do anything. And so her hydration, her, like, nourishment, her ability to, like, stretch and move is all dependent on me.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah. Yeah. What is your support system like? Because in my mind, you know, we were raised by strong women that are like, get it done. I'm in year 10. I just started openly asking for help probably in year nine. So who do you have in your life that reminds you that you're worthy and tells you to go get some water and some coffee? Who are those people in your life?

[Jessica]

Yeah. I would say the first five years, I felt very alone because I made it look like everything was okay.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

You're fine. Yeah, it's great.

[Jessica]

And that's also why I started sharing so much on social media, because I was like, I need people to see me and to see how hard it is to care for a parent. And in letting people in, came, let me show up for you and send you groceries. You know, I can't sit with your mom, but I can, you know, send you this money to pay for a caregiver. Right?

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Like, yeah.

[Jessica]

And I'll just say, for those listening, you know, I just assumed family would show up. Family was probably the most disappointing part of this journey.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Listen, ditto. Ditto sister. Because family stepping in.

[Jessica]

Nowhere to be found.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Stop calling M I A. M I A.

[Jessica]

And we've said it multiple times now. I was 26 when I started this journey, and young black woman. And so a lot of the space, the traditional spaces, people didn't look like me. People weren't in the position of, you know, trying to build a career like society will have you think the people who become caregivers are 40 plus, well established family, white picket fence. Come on. But that was not my world. And, you know, honestly, my greatest support and community happened via social media. Sharing publicly allowed me to connect with people literally around the world.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

Who were doing the exact same thing.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Yes.

[Jessica]

And I will tell you, no one shows up for you like another caregiver.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

You Better know it. Because we know what you need. Yes, we know what you need. Because it's what we need. It's the same journey.

[Jessica]

I think before it was always like, I don't want to burden people. And now I've gotten to the point where it's like, I don't know what people can and cannot do if I don't ask or if I don't, like, let them know. And so, like, I'll make my list. And then I reach out to people and if they say no, okay, cool, I've asked you. But I'm no longer hiding or trying to sacrifice and bend over backwards to do it all myself. Girl, now I'm just saying everything. And then whatever doesn't come to me, I figure out.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Please teach me your ways. I have so enjoyed getting to talk to you. First of all, I knew that our paths would cross at some point and I knew that we would have this connection whenever we did get to talk. So what do you. Before we go, I want you to share with me, what else have you done to make sure that the spirit of Constance Guthrie remains intact?

[Jessica]

I think it starts with the stories that I tell about her. The ways in which I talk to her and around her is still uplifting and filled with life and affirmation. And she knows C.J.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

Will smile at you in a heartbeat.

[Jessica]

And it's important that other people know that even though we're in this late stage, there's still ways in which she's thriving. You know, for her birthday, she turned 75. This year I had a whole three day extravaganza, gospel choir concert, photo shoot, cookout. And some of that was to make sure people still treat her with dignity and respect. Show up and see her. Don't talk about her. Go, like, hold her hand and sing to her. Don't like gossip on the phones. So all of those moments, she feels and she knows that she's deeply loved. That's what matters most.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

When she felt most alone, Jessica found Community online. She learned to ask for help and was reminded that there is power in numbers. Through her posts, Jessica inspires me and so many others. It's important to be in solidarity with one another, to share our own stories and find patience and grace when those things feel really far away. And something I think we all should scribble down on one of those note cards for ourselves is that just showing up really can be enough. Sometimes that's all we have the capacity to do. We need to remember that more than anything, our loved ones just need us to be there. And if that's the only thing we can do on any given day, that's okay. Accepting that is a blessing on the tough days. But my big question is, what's next for Jessica? I think, actually I know that she has sown too many good seeds in good soil for them not to flower in abundance in the next season of her life.

[Constance (CG)]

Do, do, do, do Good night, sweetheart well, it's time to go. Do, do, do, do Good night, sweetheart well, it's time to go. Do, do, do, do I hate to leave you, but I really must say Good night, sweet heart. Good night. Good night, Constance.

[Jessica]

I love you. You love me.

[Constance (CG)]

Isn't that right?

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Constance (CG)]

That'S right, girl.

[Jessica]

Get some rest, my dear. Okay?

[Constance (CG)]

I'll see you in the morning.

[Narrator (Eyvette Nicole Brown)]

See you next time on Squeezed. I'm your host, Eyvette Nicole Brown. There's more squeeze with Lemonada. Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content like previously unheard clips from all our voices in this series. Subscribe now on Apple Podcasts. Squeezed is a Lemonada Media original. I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown. Crystal Genesis is our senior producer. Julia York, Tess Novotny and Hannah Boomershine are our producers. Ivan Kurayev is our engineer. Our theme music is by Andy, Kristen's daughter with additional music by APM Music. Jackie Danziger is our VP of narrative content. Executive producers are me, Yvette Nicole Brown, Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Whittles. Wax this show was created in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, a leading national philanthropy dedicated to taking bold leaps to transform health in our lifetime and pave the way together to a future where health is no longer a privilege, but a right. Follow Squeezed wherever you get your podcasts or listen ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership.

[Eyvette Nicole Brown]

Sa.