Caregiver First, Actor Second

Summary

Podcast Summary: Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown
Episode: Caregiver First, Actor Second
Released: October 29, 2025

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Episode Overview

The episode "Caregiver First, Actor Second" explores the deeply personal and challenging experience of caregiving through the journey of Brandi Evans, acclaimed for her role as Mercedes on P-Valley. Host Yvette Nicole Brown (herself a caregiver) delves into Brandi’s struggles balancing her rising career with becoming the primary caregiver for her mother, Diana, who battles both multiple sclerosis and Alzheimer's. The conversation is raw, honest, and moving—highlighting universal emotions caregivers face, from guilt to isolation, as well as the resilience and community that can be found along the way.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Dual Roles and Hidden Struggles

• Brandi’s Double Life: Despite her success on P-Valley, Brandi felt she was "smiling for the camera," while breaking down at home every day due to the pressures and heartbreak of caregiving.
  • Quote – Brandi (02:14): "It's like you're smiling on that camera and then I'm going home and crying every single day of P Valley."
• Isolation and Guilt: Success in her career made her feel like she was failing in caregiving, and vice versa.
  • Yvette (02:22): "...while she was making it in one part of her life, she was losing it all in the other."

2. Early Family Dynamics & Caregiving Foundations

• Strict Upbringing with Purpose: Brandi reflects on her strict childhood and how, while "little Brandi" saw her mom as harsh, adult Brandi is grateful for the skills and resilience instilled in her.
  • Brandi (04:34): "Little Brandi would say, she was so mean. ...But older, Brandi is like, thank God."
• Learning Empathy Early On: Regular nursing home visits with her mom—seeing neglected residents—left a lifelong impact.
  • Brandi (05:46): "I just remember being brokenhearted by that...I can close my eyes and still feel like I can smell the stench."
  • Promise to her mom: never a nursing home.

3. Turning Point: The Fall & Becoming a Full-Time Caregiver

• The Incident: Diana’s fall and subsequent immobility thrust Brandi into the full weight of caregiving.
• Taking Action: Over time, Brandi orchestrated her mom’s move from a Memphis facility to Los Angeles, leveraging community support, fundraising, and her resourcefulness.
  • Brandi (09:48): "I put that GoFundMe up, and I raised $14,000 in four days."
• Facing Caregiving Realities: She recounts the steep learning curve—dealing with logistics, emotional breakdowns, and moments of rage and regret.
  • Brandi (11:45): "I punched a hole in the wall one time...I'd scream at her, you know..."
  • Yvette (12:06): "Rage is a part of caregiving...you have to let that stuff go. It happens."

4. Breakthrough Role and Unseen Sacrifices

• Landing P-Valley: A breakthrough as an actor came after years of struggle, but the triumph was bittersweet—Brandi was hiding immense hardship at home.
  • Brandi (16:19): "You don't know that. I had moved my mother...I would lose all the medical benefits that we had in LA. I lost it all."
• Secrecy on Set: Out of fear for her standing and reputation, Brandi kept her challenges hidden from most colleagues.
  • Brandi (17:00): "I was afraid. I was afraid...last thing I want to say is I'm struggling."
• Caregiver First, Always:
  • Brandi (18:08): "I can book another job. I can't book another mother."

5. Caregiver Logistics: Money, Trust, and Finding the Right Help

• Financial Realities: Acting's inconsistency makes paying for reliable care a constant source of anxiety.
  • Brandi (23:37): "It costs $9,000 a month, $300 a day to leave my mother."
• Finding the Right Caregivers:
  • Early days were fraught with underqualified or ill-fitting helpers, highlighting the necessity of matching the caregiver to the loved one, not just filling a job.
  • Brandi (21:17): "I was in the beginning just trying to afford who I could get...And I'm a firm believer in you get what you pay for."
• Building Trust: Developing communication and appreciation for caregivers was key. Her current caregivers, Carisia and Ms. Mary, have become like family.
  • Brandi (24:28): "...they are advocating because I come back out of town. They're like, 'Yeah. So we told them, don't use that catheter on her no more because it breaks her out.'"

6. Loss, Memory, and Meaningful Moments

• Progression of Illness: Diana's MS and Alzheimer's have advanced—losing mobility and now sometimes forgetting Brandi’s identity.
  • Brandi (25:53): "...her memory is so bad now...I paused it with me on the screen and I said, mama, look. Who is that?...She said, I don't know."
• Emotional Cost of Success: Brandi shares how difficult it is to finally have career success but be unable to truly share it with her mom.
  • Brandi (24:54 / 30:03): "I just wish my mama knew what I do for a living."
• Redefining ‘Being Enough’: Yvette encourages Brandi—and listeners—that what she’s doing is more than enough, even if it looks different than dreamed.
  • Yvette (29:11): "It is good enough. Because, you know, how many people would not have done 10% of the things you did..."

7. Cherishing Small Wins and Embracing Vulnerability

• Capturing Joy Amid Decline: Brandi values the occasional lucid moments—especially humorous ones about church outfits in the middle of the night.
  • Brandi (31:05): "She is not playing."
• Advocacy and Openness: Brandi wants her transparency about the process to give fellow caregivers hope—they can pursue dreams and care for loved ones, and there is community.
  • Brandi (35:20): "I want other people to feel like...you can go out and take care of your mom, dad, auntie, uncle, whomever, and go after your dreams too."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I can book another job. I can't book another mother."
  — Brandi Evans (18:08)

• "You have got to learn to cut yourself some slack. What we are doing in caring and loving for other people full time is not easy."
  — Yvette Nicole Brown (12:56)

• "Rage is a part of caregiving...you have to let that stuff go. It happens."
  — Yvette Nicole Brown (12:06)

• "I just wish my mama knew what I do for a living."
  — Brandi Evans (24:54)

• "She knows what you do for her. And I know you think that her knowing what you do for a living would trump that. I promise you it would not."
  — Yvette Nicole Brown (30:15)

• "When they care the way you care, those are your people."
  — Yvette Nicole Brown (24:42)

• "I want other people to feel like, you know, yes, it's hard, but yes, you can go out and take care of your mom...and go after your dreams too."
  — Brandi Evans (35:20)

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Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:14 | Brandi describes “smiling for the camera” but crying every day | | 04:34 | Reflections on strict childhood and caregiving foundation | | 09:48 | Brandi’s GoFundMe: raising funds & orchestrating the move | | 11:45 | Raw honesty about anger, rage, and early caregiving reactions | | 16:19 | Details on keeping caregiving challenges hidden from colleagues | | 18:08 | Defining “caregiver first, actor second” | | 23:37 | The astronomical cost of good care | | 25:53 | Brandi’s mother forgetting her identity; heartbreak of memory loss| | 29:11 | Yvette’s assurance about feeling “enough” as a caregiver | | 31:05 | Humorous but poignant 3am “what am I gonna wear to church?” exchange| | 35:20 | Brandi on hope and encouraging other caregivers |

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Final Thoughts

This episode delivers a compassionate, candid, and inspiring account of the realities caregivers face—especially when juggling personal dreams and profound responsibilities. Brandi’s journey underscores the vital importance of self-forgiveness, community, transparency, and relentless love. As Yvette and Brandi remind listeners: pursuing a dream is possible, but caring for our loved ones is irreplaceable.

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For listeners:
If you’re a caregiver feeling guilt, exhaustion, or loneliness, this episode offers solidarity, practical wisdom, and encouragement: you are not alone—and you are enough.

Transcript

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Lemonade Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple podcasts for just 5.99. You'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like this one, Squeezed as well as Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show, feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium. Most people know Brandi Evans as Mercedes in the hit Stars TV series P Valley. The show follows a group of strip club dancers in the Mississippi Delta, and it was Brandi's big break as an actor.

[Brandi Evans]

If it's one thing I know how to sell Brandy, it's the experience. Who better to learn from than an OG like me? Now y' all know if it wasn't for Mercedes Sundays, y' all hoes wouldn't be ringing in Nothing but Twinkie dolls each on a holy night. I've been telling y' all from day one, stack your paper. What's the point of working here if.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

You ain't saving Brandi started filming p Valley in 2019, and she was the lead number one on the call sheet. It was a long ways away from her roots as a preacher's daughter who loved to dance in Memphis, Tennessee, but despite starring on a hit TV show, the reality was she couldn't really enjoy it. On and off set, her mind was somewhere else.

[Brandi Evans]

People have no idea what was really happening.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

You see, while Brandi was filming the first season of P Valley in Atlanta, she was also caregiving for her mom, who has multiple sclerosis and Alzheimer's and was living with Brandi.

[Brandi Evans]

Well, y' all don't know that right before y' all said action, I got a text that my caregiver walked out or another caregiver quit.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Brandi never revealed the full truth of what was happening behind the scenes at home, but she was essentially leading a double life.

[Brandi Evans]

It's like you're smiling on that camera and then I'm going home and crying every single day of P Valley. Every single day.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

And no matter how hard she tried to balance the two parts of her life, it never felt like enough. Instead, what she felt was guilt and isolation because while she was making it in one part of her life, she was losing it all in the other. From Limonada Media this is squeezed. I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown. Today's guest, Brandi Evans, became the primary caregiver for her mom, Diana, nearly nine years ago. Brandi is also a dear friend of mine. In this episode, Brandi opens up about what it was like making a name for herself. The struggles of finding the right caregivers and finally getting to live her acting dream, all while never losing sight of who she was, doing it all for. Brandi, my fellow caregiving sister. It is so good to see. So good to see your sweet little face. Thank you for making the time to chat with me. Now, the hardest thing for me will be acting like I don't know the answers to all these questions because we're friends in real life. But your story and your story with your mom is so rich. Even though I know the answers, I want everybody else to know the answers. So we're going to take this journey. So first I want to ask you, how are you today?

[Brandi Evans]

Thank you. First, let me back up. Thank you for having me, Yvette.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Absolutely.

[Brandi Evans]

So excited. As you know, like you said, we are friends. We talk all the time. So just thank you for having me on to talk. I am overwhelmed, if I'm honest. I am overwhelmed dealing with mama's. What word do I wanna call it? Declining health.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah, honey.

[Brandi Evans]

So it's just. It's been sad, it's been lonely. It's been depressing, if I'm honest. But we put on this smile.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

We've gotta wear the mask, honey. And you and I are in the same journey as caregivers for our parent and also dealing at the same time with their decline. My dad is also in the same space, so every time I see him, you just don't know what you're gonna walk into.

[Brandi Evans]

Right.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

We're gonna start with a quick look at your past. You're from Memphis, Tennessee.

[Brandi Evans]

Yes.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yes. So growing up, what was your relationship like with your mom, Diana, and what was she like when you were growing up?

[Brandi Evans]

Ooh, we had a rough relationship growing up. It's so funny because I battle with that relationship now because little Brandi sees it one way, but grown Brandy understands a lot more now. So that question is so difficult for me. Little Brandy would say, she was so mean. She was so tough. She expected a lot, and she just did not play at all. Very, very strict growing up. But older, Brandi is like, thank God.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Brandi Evans]

Thank you, Jesus. That she made me have a list when I would come home from high school of what to cook because I learned how to cook. And thank you for her taking me to the nursing home to watch grand when everybody else was going to parties. Because now I know how to advocate for you. I know what to look for, what is right, what is wrong. I know how to use my voice. And so I am grateful for that. But it was very difficult growing up. But in hindsight, I look at, she was doing the best she could. And I know that was God preparing me for what he knew was to come.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I want to bounce back to your grandmother. She used to work in a nursing home, and you and your mom used to visit her there. What were those visits like for you?

[Brandi Evans]

Grandma worked in the kitchen. She cooked for everybody. So that was the blessing of her working at that nursing home because you didn't get the bad food. You got a real home cooked meal from Lily B. Akins. And so that was the best part about seeing my grandma in her, you know, and her love. She loved to cook. But the worst part was walking by and seeing nobody visiting people. The sadness. People just in hallways, not clean. I just remember being brokenhearted by that. It's crazy. I can close my eyes and still feel like I can smell the stench.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Same. Once you smell it, you don't forget the smell of not well taken care of.

[Brandi Evans]

Not well taken care of. Yep. And I remember my mom looking at me and telling me, don't ever let me. Don't ever put me in one, please. And I said, oh, I would never. I would never put you in a nursing home, Mama.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Fast forward from that promise she'd never put her mom in a nursing home to 2014 when her mom had a big fall in her house and she.

[Brandi Evans]

Ended up in a nursing home on her birthday. I was like, I cannot make this up. And so. But I was just like, it's a rehabilitation center. Because it was, you know, nursing and rehabilitation. She's gonna be fine. But she has not walked since.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Dayana had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 10 years prior, but had remained independent. After the fall, though, she was immobile from the waist down and wheelchair bound, she could no longer walk.

[Brandi Evans]

And that's when I knew. I was like, she's gonna have to stay here or I gotta get her out of here. And her staying wasn't an option.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Brandi knew she had to get her mother out of the nursing home in Memphis. But it simply wasn't possible at first.

[Brandi Evans]

At this point, I have not booked a job. I'm not acting. I have a one bedroom in North Hollywood off of Morrison street where it was Just a mess. I went all up and Ventura looking at assisted living homes where we could. Two bedrooms. Okay, we can live together, because I'm not moving back to Memphis. My dreams don't exist in Memphis. My dreams are out here and out there. My brothers can't do it, so who's gonna do it? It's gonna be me, so I gotta figure it out.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Getting her mom out of the nursing home to live with her became another part of Brandy's dream. It was all about making it big as an actor and caregiving for her mom. While Brandi was figuring out how to make it all happen, though time passed.

[Brandi Evans]

Her birthday's June 13, so year one went by. She spent that birthday in there. Birthday number two went by, and I was like, ain't no way. I gotta get my mama outta here.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

But if you know, Brandi, she was not just letting the time pass, being idle. She was putting the pieces together with the help of her friends and community.

[Brandi Evans]

I remember buying a dry erase board. My best friend Sasha was there with me still. I made a list of everything I needed. Then I would travel back and forth home. And what they didn't realize is that me and Sasha were casing out the spot. So I was videoing. I was like, can y' all show me how y' all bathe her? Cause I would. I don't know how to do it. And they were like, oh, we. We go in here. I'm like, well, how do you. Cause she can't walk, so how do you. How do you do it? And they were like, oh, well, you use this lift. Can you show me that? They show me the lift. I take. They turn their back. I'm taking pictures and videos. I go in the shower, they show me the system. They have to shower her. I'm like, oh, okay. Do you mind if I take a picture of that? Like, sure, take the pictures of that. What type of bed do y' all have? Take pictures of that. Then I came back here to la and I went to Sherman Oaks Medical Supply, and George helped me. I would show George videos. I'm like, george, this is what. And he's like, oh, this is the equivalent, but ours is better. I said, I want what's better. I said, tell me everything that it costs. And he was like, well, this is expensive. I said, just tell me what it costs. I put all the list up, and then I went home, started teaching dance classes, and I put the hashtag hustling for mama.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Many people know Brandi as an actor, but she began as A professional dancer and was traveling around the world teaching and raising money for her mom.

[Brandi Evans]

So from there, I was just like, I still don't have enough money. I'm gonna have to do a gofundme. I think. I was looking for $10,000 to get Mama out here. And I put that gofundme up, and I raised $14,000 in four days.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Listen, won't he do it?

[Brandi Evans]

And then I flew my mama out here, and I didn't have furniture. I didn't have anything, but I had her equipment, and I had the hand me down equipment from one of my other besties, Kim Burst. Thank you, Kim.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's right.

[Brandi Evans]

And so I called my apartment complex. I said, you know, I need to move. Do y' all happen to have a two bedroom? He said, so funny. Next door. And 103, come on is available at the end of this month. I said, that's when my mother's coming. I moved in on the 1st of December, and I just drug my stuff from the. I didn't even hire movers. My friends came over, we went from closet to closet, and I just drove the stuff over there. I flew back home to get my mom. I sent Sasha the Christmas tree that mama had, and I said, these are all the ornaments that she's used to. That's the one thing you gotta have up. If you could just put that up when I open that door so mom can see her Christmas tree. And she loved Christmas. And so on December 21, 2016, I.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Moved her out from there. Brandi needed to learn so much from logistical things like how to work a wheelchair, to much harder things like learning to give yourself some grace. Those early days of caregiving were challenging and eye opening.

[Brandi Evans]

What I realized is my mom is a lot more declined than I realized when it became me and her. Yeah, it was. It was. At first, I thought, you can't tell me that you gotta use the bathroom, mommy. You use the bathroom on yourself, or I'm trying to put you in the bed. And as I'm moving you with the lift, you're urinating on yourself on the floor. And so I'm kind and I'm patient now.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Well, you didn't get it.

[Brandi Evans]

But that brandy was, what in the hell, mama? Like, I lost it. There were so many days when Sasha go, hey, go take a shower. Go eat. I got this because I would lose my mind. I'd punch walls. I punched a hole in the wall one time. I'm just. I'd scream at her, you know how.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Brave it is for you to even say that out loud because this is the one thing. We've talked to some other people this season and last season, but rage is a part of caregiving. Now. The goal is not to inflict that on your caregiving. Right, but we're human. I love that you shared that. Because any caregiver listening who's in this journey, who's feeling guilt about their early years or even yesterday, you got to let that stuff go. It happens.

[Brandi Evans]

I still cry about it. I still.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

No, you gotta. You gotta let it go, Brady. Oh, my God.

[Brandi Evans]

How could you say these things could be so.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So you gotta feel like I needed.

[Brandi Evans]

That to heal, too. Even though that wasn't okay. I could have done it. I should have done it better. I should have done it differently. That still feels so bad because I'm like, why did you let it get you? So I am still working through how I let that say those things.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Honey, listen. You know I'm in this journey with you, and I understand it. We have to learn every caregiver listening. I'm saying this to Brandi, but this is for you as well. You have got to learn to cut yourself some slack. What we are doing in caring and loving for other people full time is not easy. It's not easy. And there's no book. You know what I mean? Let me say this. There may be a book, but none of us have time to read it, right? So you literally are learning how to do this moment by moment, bit by bit. And so you have to cut yourself slack and forgive yourself. In the same way we ask our caregiver to forgive us if we are short with them one day or we don't understand their disease, their ailment in the moment, we have to also learn to forgive ourselves. We're taking a quick break. When we return, the pressure of balancing life on set and life as a caregiver.

[Podcast Narrator/Promoter]

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[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Landing the role of Mercedes on P Valley after years of squeezing in auditions between full time caregiving was a huge deal. It was Brandi's biggest role yet. This is your first time as number one on a call sheet. I hear that you had not even been a guest star so much as a guest star before you got this role. So what was that like and how did that change?

[Brandi Evans]

I had one co star credit.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Okay.

[Brandi Evans]

Oh my God. I still. I didn't even know what number one meant. I had no idea. It was. It's a blur. It's a blur. Because I venture to say that there's some people that probably thought she was so stuck up. She was, ugh. Brandi, that girl. Y' all don't know that. I was fighting for my life. You don't know that. I had moved my mother after the big move in 2006. I had the oomph and the gall to move her to Atlanta with me in 2018 to go shoot. I didn't know how that could go. I didn't know that, you know, I would lose my caregivers because they would need another job. And when I come back, they won't be there. I didn't realize I would lose all the medical benefits that we had in la. I lost it all. So the juxtaposition of living your dream but fighting, it's like you're smiling on that camera and then I'm going home and crying every single day of P Valley. Every single day.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Luckily, Brandi's best friend Sasha was starting hair school in Atlanta and ended up moving in with Brandi and Diana to help out.

[Brandi Evans]

What a blessing. I said, sasha, just move in with me, please. You're the only one that knows. Cause you've been with me from when I said I'm gonna get Mama two years ago. You know how to work the equipment. I will provide a house, a room, I said, and food. Just live with me so I don't lose this job. And that's the truth of what was happening on P Valley. When people have no idea what was really happening.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So was. Was there a reason you chose not to let them know? What. What was going on with you at home? Were you concerned?

[Brandi Evans]

I was afraid. I was afraid. If I'm completely transparent, I Heard that cast members were already a little concerned about if I could hold the role with all of my responsibilities with my mother. So the last thing I want to say is I'm struggling. And it's just, like, I feel safe enough to say it now. Three seasons in, I feel like, okay, I can tell y' all what was really happening. But that's why I couldn't go swimming when the whole cast is going swimming or everybody's going shopping or they're going to the mall. I couldn't do that. Cause I was too busy trying to keep my mother alive, keep the caregivers in the house. Like, people have no idea the things that you go through and that you keep smiling because you don't want to look like a burden. Because what network. What network wants the girl that can't work?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Brandi has had to wrestle with that question throughout her career. But she always prioritizes caregiving for her mom above all else. She and I have that in common. You've said that you're a caregiver first, then an actor. I want you to tell all of us what that means. What does that mean to say caregiver first, actor second?

[Brandi Evans]

I can book another job. Come on. I can't book another mother.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Come on.

[Brandi Evans]

And that is just that. On that, there will always be TV and film, I believe, but there will always. There will not always be Diana Harrington.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Come on.

[Brandi Evans]

And so she is my priority, which.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Is why filming season one of P Valley was so challenging. It's emotional even now for Brandi to separate the competing pressures of caregiving and acting during that time in her life. This was huge, you know? And I know you know now that it's huge to go from one co star to being a star of a hit show and carrying the show. Did you at the time feel like it was your big break? And if so, what did it feel like? We take the care for mom out of the equation and just be that actor.

[Brandi Evans]

I don't know that I. I don't know that I realized it until after season one was over because I was. No, I was so. I was so into my mother that even my friends back home would tell you when you came to visit, you never talked about P. Valley season one because it was trauma to me. To this day, it is. I cry when I think about season one because that guilt, once again, that's why we. Working through it in therapy. Jesus.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Working through it.

[Brandi Evans]

The same guilt I felt for not being a more kind and gentle caregiver. Year one is the same Guilt I still hold of not being a better lead for season one. And, you know, no one even knew because I was hiding. You know, in hindsight, yeah, I would have let maybe more people know. Maybe I would have had more support. Maybe I could have been a better lead. But I just. I. Season one is a blur.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

This is the epitome of feeling squeezed. You're stuck between two worlds, not able to be fully present in either, and feeling guilty that you're failing at both. You're hanging on by a thread. But the thing is, Brandi was actually excelling. She was nominated for the NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series for her role in P. Valley.

[Brandi Evans]

I remember not even being around when I got a text that I was nominated for best actress, and I was like, what are y' all even talking about? I was like, what? Oh, I didn't even know nominations were happening because at this point, now we're back in LA and we're in a pandemic, and my caregivers have all quit. It was a blur. I don't know what season one happened. I don't know about press. I don't know about me. I didn't find myself until season two, where I said, mama stays here so I can tap in.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

For the second season of P. Valley, Diana stayed at home in la, and Brandi was able to, as she says, tap in, meaning be more present on set. And this was possible because of paid caregivers. Your career has helped you afford caregiving for your mom because caregiving is very expensive. You have two paid caregivers, but finding them was not easy. I know that's something that every listener can relate to. You're knock on wood. Where's the wood? You are in a good place.

[Brandi Evans]

We're good now. Now, please, Lord.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yes, Lord. But can you touch on some of the struggles you had in trying to find the right people?

[Brandi Evans]

In the beginning, it was so many stages. The beginning is, I ain't got no money. You know, and then you go into, okay, all right, I've got it. But, oh, they're not right for my mother.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's right.

[Brandi Evans]

That is so important. I was in the beginning just trying to afford who I could get. And I'm a firm believer in you get what you pay for.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

You do, you do.

[Brandi Evans]

And so, yeah, while you might found somebody for $14, your mama ain't clean.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's right.

[Brandi Evans]

House ain't clean. House ain't clean. You didn't wash the dish. She got an infection. So then I went through that then it was me learning how to communicate with my caregivers because they have to feel appreciated, too. And even though I grew up very, my parents would say whatever to me. I have thick skin. I come from coaching all of that. You can pretty much say anything. And I'll pull it together and be like, okay, so it sucks. What do I need to do to fix it? You can't communicate like that to other people, Brandi. So learning how to speak to the caregivers, having empathy for them, letting them know that they're appreciated has gone very far for me because I will say that I didn't know how to communicate effectively what I needed. And if you can't get the best out of your caregiver, they're not going to give the best to your mother. So once I figured out, okay, I'm working on how to speak to people and having compassion and you know, you need more than one. Don't burn them out, Brandi, because one girl, one person can't do everything, can you? So I learned that. But then celebrity hit, and then no one wanted to work for Ms. Diana. They wanted to work for Mercedes. And that became a problem because y' all assume that Mercedes has money to this day. That Ford Fiesta downstairs that I told you about the other day with these expired tags because I cannot get it to pass the smog check is my car. Like, I refuse to spend the money because I can't. Also, being smart as my mom's sole caregiver, what happens. What happens if mama needs to have an emergency? Something that money's for mama. So while people think girl, three seasons on P. Valley baby. No. It costs $9,000 a month, $300 a day to leave my mother.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

It's acting that allows Brandi to afford caregivers for her mom. But acting isn't always consistent. And during the times when Brandi is not filming and can stay home, Brandi still needs to employ her paid caregivers or else they may find work elsewhere. These are all valuable lessons Brandi has learned throughout her difficult journey of finding the right people to care for her mom. And she currently has a good thing going.

[Brandi Evans]

I have two caregivers. I have Caricia, and I have Mary. As far as I'm Concerned, Carisia and Ms. Mary are with mama until mama's last breath. And even after that, I pray that we are still all just friends. Like they are really family. I trust them completely. Completely. Let me tell you how I know I trust them. I no longer take my mother to her Doctor's appointments, unless I want to go. My caregivers drive.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I love it.

[Brandi Evans]

They take the notes. They tell me they are there and they are advocating because I come back out of town. They're like, yeah. So we told them, don't use that catheter on her no more because it breaks her out. I said, yes, yes. That's what I'm talking about.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

When they care the way you care, those are your people.

[Brandi Evans]

Exactly.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

We're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, we'll find out what it's like to live your dream but not be able to share it with your parent.

[Brandi Evans]

I could get all the accolades in the world, but I just wish my mama knew what I do for a living.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

What is your mom's condition now?

[Brandi Evans]

The Ms. Has changed. I just saw myself year one when I used to give her this rubber band and we used to stretch. And I'm like, reach. Just reach. Just reach up for the ceiling. And the more you keep reaching, you won't lose your arm mobility. Only to now have no arm mobility. The neck is starting to decline. So I'm practicing talking to her on the other side of the room going, look over here at me over here. And it's so funny. I'm glad I'm saying this out loud because I wanna remind my caregivers, don't lean into her comfort, Lean a little bit into the discomfort to help her work that as long as she can with her neck.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

In addition to multiple sclerosis, Diana has also been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

[Brandi Evans]

Her memory is so bad now, reasonable doubt just dropped. And I paused it with me on the screen and I said, mama, look. Who is that? Who is that? She said, I don't know. And I said, it's me. And I started saying my lines. I started doing everything.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Oh, honey. I know, baby.

[Brandi Evans]

Anything to make her see that it's me.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I know, honey.

[Brandi Evans]

And she just doesn't know. So now, before I go to bed, I say, who am I? And she says, my daughter. And I said, what's my name? And she says, brandy. And I said, who is Brandy? And she says, my daughter. And I go, now who am I? And she goes, brandy, my daughter. And I said, and where do you live? And she says, with my daughter. And I said, and what's her name? Brandy. And so that's our repeat mantra each night. Just. And you're safe and you're in California. And I tell the story. It feels like the Notebook now, because I tell the story of how I went and Got her from the Notebook.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Nursing home every year. Yeah.

[Brandi Evans]

And I tell her that story so she'll remember it.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

This is something that I am navigating. We are. We are really on the same road. I am going to give you what is helping me right now. I have accepted now when I go visit my dad, that more times than not, he does not know my name and he does not always know that I'm his, but he knows that I'm the nice lady that gives him ice cream sandwiches and sings the Five Heartbeats with him. And I've decided that that's enough for me. He sees me and he smiles. Whether he's smiling because I'm the nice lady or he's smiling because I'm his baby girl. I'll just take the smile.

[Brandi Evans]

Yeah.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

You know what I mean? So just know that as this progresses, there may come a time where she can't do the back and forth of, you're my daughter, Brandi, but I want you to know her heart always knows that you're someone that loves her and you're someone that's there for her. And that is way more important than the name where we are in this journey. Still, I know how painful it can be to achieve a huge dream and not have a parent be able to celebrate that part of your existence. For a lot of us, we do what we do because we want our mom and dad to be proud.

[Brandi Evans]

Exactly. Like I'm. Like, I planned on taking you to New York and traveling the world. It's gut wrenching.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Brandi Evans]

It doesn't feel like fame or success because she doesn't know. So luckily, I don't do it for the fame.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Hello. Hello.

[Brandi Evans]

I do it because I love what I do with acting, but it is just heartbreaking because I just. I had all these plans to make life better for us. And it's like my prayer was, please, God bless me to be able to live my dream and take care of my mom. And I'm like, maybe I should have been a little bit more detailed. I want her to be able to enjoy it with me, too. And then I go, well, Brandy, she is enjoying it because, you know, she's out of that home. You put her in a nice spot, you got her the best care. You keep her hair done, you keep her clean. You're doing everything you can, but sometimes it's not enough and it's not good enough.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah. And this is what I need you to grasp. It is good enough. It is good enough. Because, you know, how many people would not have done 10% of the things you did to make sure she's okay. There might be some in your family that you can say this about. Hello. So the idea of, you know, we have this dream. We build this dream of what we want our life to be and how we see it. You saw yourself traveling the world with your mother. You are traveling the world with your mother. You're traveling the world and coming back and sharing it with her and telling her all about it. The fact that she's in that beautiful apartment with that glorious view and she's got two people that take care of everything she may need. She's eating good, smelling good, looking good. It don't get much better than that. Her understanding that you are Mercedes or your own reasonable doubt ain't got nothing on that. So please, wrap yourself around that and know that to be true.

[Brandi Evans]

Okay? Yeah, I am working through that. I know that's something I have to work through because it's like I could get all the accolades in the world, but I just wish my mama knew what I do for a living.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah, but you know what your mama does?

[Brandi Evans]

Know what I love her?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

What you do for her. Yeah. She knows what you do for her. And I know you think that her knowing what you do for a living would trump that. I promise you it would not. I promise you it would not. You know, some of my greatest blessings in this industry happened after my mama passed.

[Brandi Evans]

I feel.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I feel maybe I'm the crazy person, but I feel like they're right. They may not be able to say, but I believe they know.

[Brandi Evans]

Thank you.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Diana may or may not know that Brandi is the person she's seeing on the TV screen, but she definitely knows her daughter is the one who takes her to church every Sunday. You recently posted a series of videos, hilarious videos, to your Instagram that showed a slice of what caregiving is like for you with Ms. Diana. And I showed you your mama up late wanting to know what she's gonna wear to church the next day.

[Brandi Evans]

Like 3am and you told me you want me to call and do what? Give me up. Get you up in the morning. Cause you don't want to miss church? No. Okay. We won't miss church in the morning. Okay? I promise. What am I going to wear tomorrow? Oh, okay. We want to see your outfit. Oh, okay. You want to see your outfit at three in the morning? Right now. A church. Use your words. I don't understand.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Brandi Evans]

Oh, yes, ma'.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Am.

[Brandi Evans]

Oh, my goodness. She is not playing.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Okay, all right. It sounds a Bit stressful because you hope she approves of the outfit that you chose. Like when you go into that closet and you're like, oh Lord.

[Brandi Evans]

Well, Mommy, I was thinking that we would wear the blue skirt that we bought at the mall the last Sunday and a white top. That's what I was thinking. What are your thoughts on that? Okay. Okay then. All right. That's good for you. Yeah, I just need to figure out where my hair. Where's my neck? Where's your what? Nicholas? Oh, Jesus. My Lord. You know, I didn't even consider consider a necklace. But you want to wear a necklace? Yes. Okay. I'm going to have to look at my stuff and see if I can find some type of necklace. Okay, thank you. Oh, yes. Yes, ma'. Am. I didn't think at three in the morning that you'd be wanting to confirm your wardrobe for church in the morning. Yes. Oh, yes, ma'.

[Podcast Narrator/Promoter]

Am.

[Brandi Evans]

Understandable. I respect that. Okay then. Is there anything else you need?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

No.

[Brandi Evans]

Okay. Yes, ma'.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Am.

[Brandi Evans]

Well, I'm gonna wake you up in the morning for church. Well, we need to go to sleep. Cause it's three in the morning. Okay. You gotta get up at seven. All right. Okay. All right. I love you. I love you too. Okay. Night. Night.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

What were you thinking and feeling during the conversation when she was talking a lot to you?

[Brandi Evans]

You know what, first of all, when she's talking like that, I know it's a good moment, good day. And it's sometimes short lived. So if she starts to talk, I'm like, let's go, where's my camera? Cause I want to document, have my memories. And so in this moment I was like, I said we're going to church. And she said, what am I wearing? I said, oh my goodness, this is mama from 1995 talking. And so I go get her outfit. But there is sometimes she'll look at it and she'll look it up and down inside. So she was, that's fine. If she say it's fine, I know it's good. But she has never in nine years told me she wanted her necklace. But I know that that's my mama, because my mama was serious about her jewelry.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

The next post is you awake a few hours later in your bonnet having found the necklace.

[Brandi Evans]

7:15 in the morning. I am so sleepy it hurts. But I was able to locate the pearl necklace, my mama's favorite pearl necklace, in fact, that she used to wear with everything back in the day. I forgot that I hid this in my closet because I was like I never want to lose this.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Brandi cherishes these moments deeply when her mother becomes her mother again, even if it's the middle of the night. The two truly do look radiant in the final photo, in their outfits with matching colors and their necklaces and the love that's evident in how they're posing together side by side. You'd never know what it took to get to that moment without Brandy showing it to the world. Her posts show this is what caregiving looks like. It's these small moments, like getting ready for church as much as it is the big moments, like bringing her mom home from the nursing facility. Being open and transparent is part of Brandy's caregiving journey. Sure, she wants to document these moments for herself, but she's also leading by example, as in, I pursued my dream while caregiving and you can too.

[Brandi Evans]

Now I don't want other people to be afraid because I know how lonely I was and so I want other people to feel like, you know, yes, it's hard, but yes, you can go out and take care of your mom, dad, auntie, uncle, whomever, and go after your dreams too. And there are people that will support you. And so the more I speak about it, it's been beautiful because I'm not going to be acting forever, but we're going to always be caring for someone or someone's going to care for us in some way. It's going to be there forever. So I love that when I hear that from women or men too that have dmed me and said, you know what? I saw that you went after your drink and you taking care of your mama, I can do it too. I love that.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Squeezed is a Lemonada Media original. I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown, Lisa Fu and Hannah Boomershine are our producers. Muna Danish is our senior producer. Bobby Woody is our engineer. Our theme music is by Andy, Kristen's daughter, with additional music by APM Music. Jackie Danziger is our VP of Narrative Content. Executive producers are me, Yvette Nicole Brown, Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie wittleswax. This show was created in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, a leading national philanthropy dedicated to taking bold leaps to transform health in our lifetime and pave the way together to a future where health is no longer a privilege, but a right. Follow Squeezed wherever you get your podcasts or listen. Ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership.

[Brandi Evans]

Sam.