Podcast Summary: Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown

Episode 7: "Making Peace with The End"

Release Date: September 25, 2024
Host: Yvette Nicole Brown | Lemonada Media

Episode Overview

In this poignant episode, host Yvette Nicole Brown confronts one of caregiving’s most challenging realities: the end of life. Reflecting on her personal experiences with her father’s declining health and her mother’s passing, Yvette explores how caregivers and their loved ones can plan for death with grace and intention. The episode features candid conversations with renowned death doula Alua Arthur and her former student Lupe Tejada Diaz, who share tools, wisdom, and culturally relevant perspectives to help listeners navigate these essential but often avoided conversations.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Facing Mortality as a Caregiver

• Yvette's Personal Story (00:02–03:06)
  • Yvette talks candidly about her father's recent health struggles and the looming conversations around end-of-life care.
  • Quote:

    "We're all gonna die someday... It takes some pressure off and reminds me that nothing is really that serious and that it's important to just keep living."
    —Yvette Nicole Brown (00:11)

  • Emphasizes how for caregivers, death is an ever-present backdrop—prompting hard, necessary conversations.

2. The Role & Philosophy of a Death Doula

• Alua Arthur’s Approach (02:14–04:55)

  • Alua describes her vision of an ideal death—surrounded by loved ones, beautiful music and sunsets, at home rather than in a hospital.
  • Quote:

    "I want to feel comfortable. I want to feel safe. I want to feel at home. I just want to die grateful."
    —Alua Arthur (02:49)

  • She reframes death as an experience that—while often unpredictable—can include moments of healing, beauty, and even joy.

• What is a Death Doula? (04:03–04:24)

  • Alua explains the role:

    "A death doula does all of the non-medical and holistic care and support of the dying person and their entire circle of support through the process. And that can also mean anyone with some awareness that one day death will come."
    —Alua Arthur (04:03)

3. Alua’s Journey to Death Work

• Life Before Doulaship (05:07–06:50)

  • After burning out as a legal aid lawyer, Alua's encounter with a traveler with terminal cancer prompted self-reflection about her own life and death.
  • Quote:

    "The life that I'd lived was not authentic to me... I didn't feel like I'd lived out the edges of it. I felt small and purposeless."
    —Alua Arthur (06:03)

  • Caring for her brother-in-law in his final month crystallized her calling.

• Becoming a Doula & Training Others (07:14–08:47)

  • Alua founded Going With Grace, and by 2018 began training others in death doula work.
  • The program grew rapidly, with trainees from around the world.
  • On choosing doula trainees:

    "You have to be willing to play in really, really deep waters... people who have also spent some time on their privilege and bias and anger and have found ways to inject compassion, wonder, and awe into the inquiry are people best suited for this work."
    —Alua Arthur (08:18)

4. Passing the Baton: Lupe Tejada Diaz’s Story

• Early Connection to Death (09:02–11:25)

  • Lupe, indigenous Mexican American (Nahua), describes a childhood where death was talked about openly—a contrast to the sterility and speed of American funeral customs.
  • Quote:

    "In my head, when somebody dies, you have a nine-day ceremony and folks come from everywhere and you're taken care of. For her it was very sterile... That to me was so foreign... I said, there has got to be a better way to do this."
    —Lupe Tejada Diaz (11:25)

• Advocacy and Culturally Competent Care (12:08–13:39)

  • Lupe sees part of her work as pushing back against the "funeral industrial complex," advocating for marginalized communities whose traditions clash with mainstream American death practices.

• Helping Clients Like Shane (13:39–16:33)

  • Lupe guides Shane, an indigenous community member, through creating an advance directive. They discuss honoring cultural traditions, such as nine-day ceremonies and storytelling in death.

5. Practical Steps for End-of-Life Planning

• The Advance Directive (16:04–16:35)

  • Explains practical tools: advance directives for medical preferences, wills for assets and burial plans.
  • Quote:

    "Having documents like this written out is like the ultimate extension of love. Because it's like, we're done, we're good, everything's fine."
    —Lupe Tejada Diaz (16:17)

• Safety Net of Planning (17:43–23:23)

  • Alua provides guidance: make end-of-life plans before illness or crisis; use family stories or public events as conversational inroads.
  • Quote:

    "Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions of the person who's dying. Pay attention."
    —Alua Arthur (07:50)

6. Navigating Difficult Conversations

• Bringing Up the Topic (18:44–20:24)

  • Alua recommends referencing news, celebrities, or family stories as gentle conversation starters.
  • Quote (on Aretha Franklin's funeral outfits):

    "'Why are they doing that to her?'... and so I turned and I said, 'Does that mean you only want one outfit?' And she said, 'Yeah, I would like one.' And I said, 'Great. Do you have one in mind?'"
    —Alua Arthur (18:44)

• Feeling the Sadness, Having the Conversation Anyway (20:24–21:12)

  • Acknowledge the pain of these talks, but realize avoiding them won’t lessen the eventual grief.
  • Quote:

    "Our grief is not going to be impacted one way or another by having the conversation ... It might actually be greater impacted by it if I don't talk about it."
    —Alua Arthur (20:42)

7. If a Loved One Isn’t Ready

• Meeting People Where They Are (21:30–22:41)
  • Alua shares examples of honoring clients’ timelines and shifting focus to living meaningfully in the time that’s left.

8. The Spiritual and Emotional Side of Death

• What Might Come After (23:51–24:34)
  • Alua imagines the afterlife as passing beauty and legacy forward:
  • Quote:

    "All the things that are actually my legacy, have stuck with the people that I touched. And for all the rest, like my bonnets and my secrets, those things will just be enveloped back into the collective consciousness."
    —Alua Arthur (23:51)

9. Yvette’s Reflection: Death as an Exhale

• Personal Closure (24:34–End)
  • Yvette shares her experience being present for her mother’s death via FaceTime, and the peace she found knowing her mother’s wishes.
  • Quote:

    "I say to myself, death will be an exhale."
    —Yvette Nicole Brown (24:34)

  • She reaffirms the power and community found among caregivers and the importance of supporting each other.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Humor in Death:

  "If I die with a bra on, I'm coming to haunt everybody. I will terrorize you. And that is a threat. Okay."
  —Alua Arthur (04:55)

• On Cultural Traditions:

  "We celebrate the life of our loved ones and then dance and sing and shout them on to glory. But our joy of life and celebration of it, even in death, isn't always welcome or understood in some spaces."
  —Yvette Nicole Brown (13:04)

• On Difficult Conversations:

  "Having my affairs in order, socks and all, would put me at ease. And guess what? That's something we can all do now, even if death feels far away."
  —Yvette Nicole Brown (23:23)

Important Segment Timestamps

• Opening & Yvette’s Personal Context: 00:02–03:06
• Alua Arthur on Ideals of Dying: 02:14–04:55
• Alua’s Doula Background & Philosophy: 05:07–08:47
• Lupe Tejada Diaz’s story: 09:02–11:25
• Cultural Challenges & Advocacy: 12:08–13:39
• Advance Directive and Client Shane: 14:37–16:33
• Steps for Discussing End of Life: 17:43–23:51
• Spiritual Reflections on Death: 23:51–24:34
• Yvette’s Closing Reflections: 24:34–end

Closing Sentiment & Call to Action

"While there is beauty in caregiving, it's hard and often lonely work. But you know what? There's a lot of us and together we are powerful. We can support each other, care for the caregivers and make our voices heard when it comes to demanding more support for families and caregivers in this country."
—Yvette Nicole Brown (24:34)

This episode is a compassionate, practical guide for caregivers and anyone looking to make peace with their mortality and the mortality of those they love. Yvette, Alua, and Lupe provide roadmaps, cultural context, and affirming reminders that having these hard conversations—and plans in place—is one of the greatest gifts we can leave behind.