Raising Kids, Fighting Cancer

Summary

Podcast Summary: Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown

Episode: Raising Kids, Fighting Cancer
Date: October 8, 2025
Host: Yvette Nicole Brown
Guest: Tara Kovach
Produced by: Lemonada Media

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Overview

This episode of Squeezed centers on the harrowing, heartfelt journey of caregiving while facing cancer—specifically, what it means to raise young children in the midst of a cancer battle. Host Yvette Nicole Brown speaks with Tara Kovach, a mother of two from Juneau, Alaska, who was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer at 47. Through candid conversation, they explore themes of parental guilt, isolation, and resilience, as well as the evolving definition of "enough" as a parent and caregiver during and after serious illness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Ever-Present Question: “Am I Doing Enough?”

• Tara reflects on the pressures and worries of parenting while seriously ill—wanting to create memorable experiences in case her time is cut short.
  • [01:41] Tara Kovach:
    “I actually wanted to go bigger because I thought, what if this is the last party? … You never know. I think everything I do, I have that in the back of my mind. Am I doing enough?”
• Yvette connects Tara’s fears to the universal anxieties of caregivers:
  • [02:42] Yvette Nicole Brown:
    “Parents, really, any type of caregiver often wonder this. Am I doing enough? But not all have survived stage three cancer and live with the constant worry that it could come back.”

2. Diagnosed Amidst a Life Rebuilding

• Tara’s diagnosis came just as she was recovering from a difficult divorce and starting a new chapter.
  • [05:13] Tara Kovach:
    “I felt like my life was just getting back on track…then, you know, I got the diagnosis, and everything came crashing down again.”
• Cancer was found during a routine check:
  • [05:44] Tara Kovach:
    “I went in for my normal annual checkup… my doctor… just saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, over and over again. Because he knew...that it was cancer.”

3. Parenting Through Crisis: Breaking the News & Building Memories

• Tara chose not to use the word “cancer” with her young children, instead framing her illness as something simply needing surgery.
  • [06:46] Tara Kovach:
    “Oh, that's young, you know, so they didn't really have...understanding of what cancer was… I never used the words cancer because that's not something they would really understand.”
• Squeezing in joy: Last-minute vacation to Great Wolf Lodge before surgery, while hiding her anxiety and worry.
  • [09:51] Tara Kovach:
    “We all went to a little dance party in the lobby one night in their pajamas… them, like, dancing and smiling…made the whole trip worth it.”

4. The Physical and Emotional Toll of Treatment

• Post-surgery hardship: Unable to hug her kids as she wanted, managing their curiosity and her healing.
  • [11:44] Tara Kovach:
    “I have stitches in my stomach. We have to be really careful. … They wanted to see my stitches. And my son…said, ew, that's gross.”
• Chemotherapy logistics: Scheduling treatments around her custody schedule, always aiming to appear healthy for her kids.
  • [13:59] Tara Kovach:
    “I would be in the infusion center…then they would affix a chemo ball to me, so that I would carry it with me.”
  • Safety and exhaustion: “There are very toxic chemicals that you can't spill.” [15:01]
  • The cumulative difficulty: “...The longer you're on chemotherapy, the harder it is on your system...you have brain fog, you have nausea, you have neuropathy.” [15:33]

5. Working, Parenting, Supporting—With Little Peer Support

• No applicable support groups for young parents balancing work, illness, and active caregiving.
  • [16:31] Tara Kovach:
    “…even the people who had been in remission more recently were already in retirement age...They didn't really have a point of reference of having small children or…working full time to keep…health insurance.”

6. The "Sandwich Generation" Pressure—Caring for Parents While Ill

• Tara’s mother broke her hip during Tara’s treatment, leading to guilt over being unable to help in person.
  • [17:33] Tara Kovach:
    “I wasn't able to travel to help her...I just wasn't able to risk being on a plane…So that was really, really hard.”
• Yvette empathizes, pinpointing the endemic, unwarranted guilt caregivers carry.
  • [18:53] Yvette Nicole Brown:
    “You have enough on your plate already. Guilt cannot fit on that plate, it cannot.”

7. The Lingering Shadow of Remission (“Scanxiety”)

• Post-treatment brings new isolation and anxiety, not relief.
  • [20:50] Tara Kovach:
    “...They weren't prepared for how hard it was going to be after chemotherapy...When you're in the fight… Your purpose is to get through that…then…you feel very isolated.”
• The acute anxiety of monitoring for recurrence colors every milestone and memory-making.
  • [22:56] Tara Kovach:
    “Every three months when I need to go in for my blood tests, and every six months when I go in for my scans, anxiety really overpowers me…What if this is the last birthday party I get to throw for them?”

8. What Children Remember

• Discussing with her son, Tara illustrates how children often process illness with an innocence adults find both heartening and heartbreaking.
  • [24:06] Tara Kovach & son Cal:
    “Was it like a plant? … No, it was just part of my body. But it was a part that wasn't supposed to be there.”

9. Fundamental Change—and Small Acts of Love

• Cancer changed Tara profoundly—sometimes for the better, sometimes not.
  • [25:15] Tara Kovach:
    “It changes you…It makes you more worried...but it also makes you more grateful, more appreciative, maybe more loving and more patient…it's the little things that kids do remember…”
• Cherished daily rituals: snuggle time, tracing games, bedtime affirmations.
  • [26:16] Tara Kovach:
    “We all get in the bed together and, like, snuggle and chat and talk about our days...I call it pouring love into them…”

10. Relief—For Now

• Tara receives good test results—no detectable tumor DNA.
  • [27:57] Tara Kovach:
    “My heart was pounding…circulating Tumor DNA not detected. So it was a huge, huge relief.”
• She describes the physical release of tension and immediate need to share and savor the moment.
  • [28:27] Tara Kovach:
    “You have this knot basically in your chest and as soon as I saw the results, I just felt it release completely.”

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Am I doing enough? Is always the thing that I...have to think about. Am I being there for them enough? Am I listening enough? Am I cuddling them enough? Am I being supportive enough? And that's hard. It's a really hard thing to do.”
  — Tara Kovach [01:41]

• “You have enough on your plate already. Guilt cannot fit on that plate, it cannot.”
  — Yvette Nicole Brown [18:53]

• “When you're in the fight, when you're doing chemotherapy, you've got a purpose… And then once that's done…then you feel very isolated. That's when most people get depressed, and...have a lot of anxiety issues.”
  — Tara Kovach [20:50]

• “I hope that's what stays with them as they get older. No matter what happens.”
  — Tara Kovach [27:12]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:39 — Tara talks about her daughter’s 10th birthday and the ever-present “what if”
• 03:43 — Tara discusses hiding her anxiety while waiting for test results
• 05:13 — Life right before diagnosis
• 05:44 — Discovery and confirmation of cancer
• 06:46 — Telling her young children about her illness
• 09:51 — Vacation at Great Wolf Lodge, fighting to be present
• 11:44 — Coming home from surgery, physical barriers to parenting
• 13:59 — The realities of chemotherapy with young children
• 16:31 — The lack of suitable support groups
• 17:33 — Unable to physically help aging parent during her illness
• 20:50 — The unexpected psychological toll after remission
• 22:56 — Parenting under the cloud of “scanxiety”
• 24:06 — Conversation with her son about her surgery
• 25:15 — How cancer changes you as a parent and person
• 26:12 — Cherished small family rituals
• 27:57 — Good news: Tumor DNA not detected; instant relief

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Conclusion

Episode “Raising Kids, Fighting Cancer” offers a candid glimpse into the loneliness, guilt, and small triumphs of parenting while fighting a life-threatening illness. Tara Kovach’s story is a testament to resilience and the power of small gestures in the face of uncertainty. Yvette Nicole Brown’s empathetic interviewing and shared experiences add warmth and understanding, providing comfort to caregivers and validation to anyone who’s ever wondered if they’re doing enough. The episode balances anxiety with moments of joy and leaves listeners with hope, reminding us that love, above all, endures.

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Transcript

[Tara Kovach]

Lemonade.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonade Premium on Apple podcast for just 5.99. You'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like this one, Squeezed as well as Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show, feed on Apple podcasts and hit subscribe. Make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium.

[Tara Kovach]

I rented out a small independent theater in our hometown for the birthday party. And it was Cat Video Fest.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's Tara Kovach. She's describing the 10th birthday party she threw for her daughter Gracie.

[Tara Kovach]

So it was a cat themed party. We had little cat ears. We had cat bath bombs for everyone. We had pizza and cat cakes. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Happy birthday to you.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Gracie is wearing pink sunglasses, purple cat ears, and surrounded by friends and party decorations. Her arms are crossed and she's kind of smiling. It's the perfect aloof stance of a kid who's turning double digits. Gracie was eight when Tara was diagnosed with stage six three colon cancer. So for Tara, throwing her daughter a birthday party is not something she takes for granted.

[Tara Kovach]

I actually wanted to go bigger because I thought, what if this is the last party? What if, I don't know, like, I just, I want her to have the best experience ever. I wanted to rent a limo for her and all of her friends, but she was like, no, I think that's over the top, mom. And then I thought, you know, you're 10. That's probably right. But, you know, you just, you never know. You never know. I think everything I do, I have that in the back of my mind. Am I doing enough? Just in general. And I know that doesn't, you know, always mean throwing lavish parties or buying things, but, you know, just, am I doing enough? Is always the thing that I. That I have to think about. Am I being there for them enough? Am I listening enough? Am I cuddling them enough? Am I being supportive enough? And that's hard. It's a really hard thing to do. And also not smother them and let them be their own person.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Parents, really, any type of caregiver often wonder this. Am I doing enough? But not all have survived stage three cancer and live with the constant worry that it could come back from Lemonada media. This is squeezed. I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown. Today we look at parenting young kids when you're battling cancer. Our guest, Tara Kovach lives in Juneau, Alaska. She was 47 when she was diagnosed with colon cancer, which meant her already hectic life as a working, divorced mom of two kids was totally upended. We'll talk about what it was like to parent while going through surgery and chemotherapy and the isolation of surviving that a lot of people don't talk about. On the day Tara and I talk, she's anxious. It's been nine days since she took a blood test to see if her cancer has returned, and she's still waiting for the results.

[Tara Kovach]

I'm literally sick with worry, but I needed to pretend this morning like it was just another day when I was getting my kids ready for school and dropping them off. And I have to hope, of course, that everything will be okay.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

School has started for her kids, fifth grade for Gracie, and second grade for her other kid, Callahan. She hides from them that she's on pins and needles waiting for the test results.

[Tara Kovach]

I'm having a hard time sleeping, having a hard time concentrating. And everyone just keeps saying, you're gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. But, you know, people also said that before I got my diagnosis, like, oh, no, you're too young. You're not gonna have this diagn diagnosis. So you never know. So I also have to prepare myself for what if it isn't what I want to hear? What am I going to do? And some people think that's not a good thing. My partner says, don't let it enter your mind what you're going to do if you get a negative report. But I have to, because otherwise the anxiety will just swallow me up.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara is part of the rise of people younger than 50 getting diagnosed with colorectal cancer, an issue that's been getting worse every year. It's among the top leading causes of cancer deaths for both men and women under 50 in the US right before Tara was diagnosed with colon cancer in May 2024, her life was just beginning to level out after going through a pretty brutal divorce.

[Tara Kovach]

I felt like my life was just getting back on track, and things were just, you know, going really well. I had bought a new house, I had a new partner. You know, the kids were doing really well, and things seemed to be final leveling out, and everyone seemed to be thriving. And then, you know, I got the diagnosis, and everything came crashing down again.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara had no symptoms leading up to the diagnosis. It was discovered after a routine Doctor's visit.

[Tara Kovach]

I went in for my normal annual checkup and I took a stool test, which my doctor had recommended, and it came back showing signs of microscopic blood. So I had a colonoscopy a few weeks later. And I remember my doctor coming back in after I had just woken up and just saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, over and over again. Because he knew even before the pathology report that it was cancer.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Her doctor was right. The pathology report confirmed it was cancer. She met with the surgeon and a surgery was planned for the very next week. School ended three days after the colonoscopy, and Tara and her family were supposed to immediately set off on a three week vacation to see family in different parts of the country. Meticulous plans had been made, plane tickets bought, you know, all the effort and details that go into planning a vacation, all of that was tossed in the air. Instead, Tara had to tell her kids the terrible news.

[Tara Kovach]

My kids at the time were five and eight. Oh, that's young, you know, so they didn't really have an unfortunate understanding of what cancer was or how serious it was. So the only conversations we had, you know, were really about that I had something in my body that shouldn't be there and I needed surgery to take it out.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

How did you tell them? Like, how do you choose the best time to tell your baby something that could be devastating for them?

[Tara Kovach]

I tried to make it as comfortable as possible. You know, we had family time in the living room where we kind of snuggle on the couch and read or play video games. And then I let them know that, you know, we'd be having people come to town to visit us because I needed a surgery. And they were, I could tell they were scared, they were worried. They wanted to know what it was exactly that I had in my body that had to be taken out. And, you know, I tried to explain it to them. I had something growing. It was in my digestive tract that needed to be cut out and so back together. But I never used the words cancer because that's not something they would really understand.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

To salvage their hopes for a summer vacation, Tara pivoted quickly and instead took her kids to the Great Wolf Lodge in Seattle for a few days. It was hard for Tara to juggle being on vacation while processing her life changing predicament.

[Tara Kovach]

I really tried to be present in the moment, which was very difficult because I was nervous and I just wasn't sure what was going to happen. And, you know, if that was going to be one of the last trips that we ever took.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Before we continue, I want to remind you that all of this was happening on an extremely fast timeline. Imagine suddenly finding out you have cancer, scheduling a surgery the following week to remove the cancer, and then jumping on a plane with your kids for a quick trip before that surgery. That sounds a bit crazy, but it also sounds like a parent doing her damn hardest to give her kids something good and memorable.

[Tara Kovach]

And, you know, I just, I remember getting hugged really hard and just clenching up because I was so scared that it was hurting something, that it was causing the cancer to move out of where it was.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

This idea that hugging might cause the cancer to move may sound foolish to some, but our minds can go to strange places when stressed or scared.

[Tara Kovach]

I don't think getting hugged or squeezed makes a difference, but, you know, it's just that your thought in the moment, like, oh my gosh, I don't want anything else to go wrong. It's kind of just where my emotions were and where my brain was at the time.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara was dealing with all of these tough emotions against the backdrop of Great Wolf Lodge. If you've never been to Great Wolf Lodge, just know that it's essentially a child's wonderland.

[Tara Kovach]

It's a fun place with goofy things like build a bear and, you know, crazy water slides, look amazing cotton candy machines. And my kids had a really fun time. We all went to a little dance party in the lobby one night in their pajamas. And I just remember them, like, dancing and smiling and having such a good time. And that made the whole trip worth it.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara and her family came home from that trip on a Monday. Her surgery was happening on Wednesday. More about that after the break. Hello, I'm James Corden, and on my new show, this Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people on planet Earth, from Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore to David Beckham to Cynthia Erivo to Martin Scorsese to Jeremy Renner to Denzel Washington to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people, places, possessions, music, and memories that made them who they are. These are intimate conversations, full of stories that you've never heard before. This Life of Mine premieres October 21st. Wherever you get your podcasts. Tara had a colon resection surgery, which means they removed a section of her colon, including the part with the tumor, and and sewed it back together. She spent two nights in the hospital, and her partner was by her side. Friends from out of town stayed at her house with the kids. Other friends helped, too, bringing food over and keeping Gracie and Callahan busy.

[Tara Kovach]

When I came home from the hospital, they both, you know, were so happy to see me and they wanted to embrace me, but it was hard because I had to tell them, I have stitches in my stomach. We have to be really careful. And. And I could tell that they wanted to embrace me, but they were. They were so scared that they were going to hurt me. And that was really heartbreaking and hard. And then of course, they wanted to see my stitches. So I showed that to them. And my son, who has no filter, immediately said, ew, that's gross. And then after they went to their dad's for three weeks and came back, my son wanted to see it again because it had started to heal. And I think in his mind, he thought it was actually going to be completely healed, but of course it was just scar tissue. And he looked at it again and said, ew, that's even worse now. I said, okay, well, thanks. You won't be seeing that again.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

While Tara was recovering from the surgery, she had to be cautious, especially around her kids.

[Tara Kovach]

I couldn't lift anything more than about ten pounds, and I couldn't let them crawl into bed with me for fear of, you know, maybe getting kicked in the stitches or something like that. So I slept in the living room and they slept in their rooms.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

The surgery revealed that Tara had cancer cells in several of the lymph nodes that were extracted. Doctors then recommended she get 12 rounds of chemotherapy. So while the kids were at their dad's for three weeks during the summer, Tara had another surgery to get a port inserted into her chest so the chemo had something to go into. Once the school year started, Tara and her ex husband had a one week on, one week off schedule with the kids, which allowed Tara to schedule her chemo on weeks when her kids were with their dad. I've had quite a few friends that have dealt with cancer, and I know no one's journey is the same, but I know chemo is tough. Has been tough on everyone that I've talked to. So what was that like for you? And then also with the added pressure of trying to make sure that you don't look. You don't look sick for your babies, and you want to make sure that when they come back to the house that they're seeing a mom that they can not be scared about. So what was the chemo journey like for you?

[Tara Kovach]

Yeah, I started on a Monday, and I would be in the infusion center for at least a few hours getting the first dose of the chemotherapy Treatment. And then they would affix a chemo ball to me so that I would carry it with me.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

And what did it. What you say a ball? What is. Is it like a. Like a plastic. Is it like a saline bag? Like, what is it that's attached to you? How heavy is it? Can you cover it? Like, if. Could you hide it from the kids?

[Tara Kovach]

It was pretty hard to hide. The port was right here on my chest. And then the wires would come from the port to the ball. The ball was about the size of a tennis ball, and it was hard plastic. But it would get a little bit smaller as the medication went from there into the port. Yeah, so eventually it would be a little bit smaller, but it was something that I had to be, you know, very careful with. Of course, there are very toxic chemicals that you can't spill.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara describes it as a ball of essentially poison that she had on her for two days. The staff at the infusion center would wear full body suits to put it on her, and Tara had special equipment to clean it up if it spilled. Whenever she had the ball on, she had to be hyper vigilant. And even though Tara did the chemo mostly on her off weeks with the kids, it still impacted her time with them. She was more physically drained. She was more susceptible to getting sick, which was a huge issue with kids who were in school. And she avoided most social and community gatherings.

[Tara Kovach]

The longer you're on chemotherapy, the harder it is on your system and the more immunosuppressed you are. So the first few times you are going through treatment, you think, wow, this is okay, I can do this. And then it gets harder, and then it gets harder, and then it gets harder, and you're tired, you have brain fog, you have nausea, you have neuropathy.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

On top of chemo and parenting, Tara was also working full time. She works remotely, doing public health communications. And while her workplace is very supportive, she didn't have any short term disability. So Tara had to work in order to keep her health insurance. When she did have time to herself, she took walks, wrote in a journal, and tried her best to keep her anxiety at bay. What about support groups? Are there any support groups available where people can talk to each other about what they're going through?

[Tara Kovach]

There is one support group here, but it wasn't something that was very helpful to me. Yeah, it was great to connect with people, but most of them had been in remission for, you know, 20 years, so most of them were much older. And then also even the people who had been in remission more recently were already in retirement age when they were going through their treatment. So they didn't really have a point of reference of having small children or taking care of small children at the same time that they were trying to go through this process or of working full time and needing to work full time in order to keep their health insurance. You know, it was people in different life stages, so I didn't have a lot of connections with folks.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

And in the midst of everything, when Tara was halfway through chemo, she got bad news about her mom.

[Tara Kovach]

My mom, who is 78 now, fell and broke her hip last year while I was in chemotherapy treatments. And I wasn't able to travel to help her because, of course, chemotherapy suppresses your immune system. And I just wasn't able to risk being on a plane. My doctor, you know, highly recommended that I not do that because it was right during cold and flu season. So that was really, really hard. She was in the hospital. I have siblings, thank goodness, who were able to be there for her, but it was really hard. I wasn't able to go and see her.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara felt squeezed between having her own illness, caring for her kids, and trying to help her aging parent. And since she couldn't be there in person, Tara supported her mom from afar.

[Tara Kovach]

I was calling her and sending her flowers and crossword puzzles and things that she could do, you know, in the hospital, helping financially and, you know, helping to support my sisters. Yeah, but it weighs on your heart because you. You want to be there for your parents, just like you want to be there for your kids. And you feel really helpless when you feel like you should be the caretaker and yet other people are caring for you.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I mean, it's. It's part of the reason why I wanted to do this podcast because I'm a caregiver for my dad. And, you know, this age group that we're in is. Is all about being squeezed like a vice grip, you know? And this is the thing. In your situation, you weren't able to help your mom the way you would want it to, but then you're squeezed by the guilt. Like, there's always something that is. Is the vice grip. Right. But I hope you know that your mom would not want you to get sick because you were coming to care for her. And thankfully, you had another sibling that could step in, and your dad is there. So I just want you to have a little bit of. You got enough on your mind, basically, is what I'm saying. You have enough on your plate already. Guilt cannot fit on that plate, it cannot. So allow me to tell you that your mom is happy you didn't make that trip, because if you had made that trip and something happened to you, she would have never been all right. So, you know, we have to find our way through that. But I know that that's part of the. That's part of the therapy dance for me, because I wake up in the morning and just grab my guilt, put it on like a backpack, and like, well, let's go out in the world, you know? And it's not something that my dad would want from me. I know that. So I'm just sharing that with you as I. As I also say it back to myself.

[Tara Kovach]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, Tara talks about parenting in the aftermath of chemo.

[Tara Kovach]

There's this anxiety that goes along with being in cancer remission. That's always there just under the surface.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara completed her chemotherapy last November, the week of Thanksgiving. At that point, her likelihood of not getting cancer again was at 75%. You'd think Tara would have a new lease on life, but it was actually kind of the opposite.

[Tara Kovach]

It's still scary as hell. I've talked to a few survivors who have said the same thing, and it is that they weren't prepared for how hard it was going to be after chemotherapy. Because when you're in the process of being treated, when you're having your surgery, when you're seeing your oncologist and you're seeing the infusion nurses and you're seeing your primary care physician, you have a whole team of people who are there for you, who are asking you questions, who are asking you questions about your health, your mental health, how things are going, and you're constantly reporting to them. When you're in the fight, when you're doing chemotherapy, you've got a purpose. Your purpose is to get through that. You can't concentrate on anything else besides that fight because it's so hard. And then once that's done and you're, you know, you've given your body a few weeks to recover, then you feel very isolated. That's when most people get depressed, and that's when most people have a lot of anxiety issues. You're much more on your own. And when you've never gone through that process, it doesn't necessarily make sense. Right. You think this person, they had cancer? They did, yeah. They should be loving life and celebrating. But it's in that time period that I think most patients, most Survivors have a really hard time because you're not in the clear, really, until your 5 year mark.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

In the cancer community, there's actually a name for this crippling anxiety that Tara describes having. It's called scanxiety. This knowledge that while you may be in remission, you have years of tests and scans left, and any one of them might show that the cancer has returned. For Tara, it definitely impacts how she parents her kids.

[Tara Kovach]

I try not to stress and worry about everything being perfect, but every three months when I need to go in for my blood tests, and every six months when I go in for my scans, anxiety really overpowers me. And I do think, you know, what if the test shows that the cancer's back? And what if this is the last birthday party I get to throw for them? Or what if I'm too sick to walk them to their classroom on the first day of school next year? Every time we have an event, I. I have these thoughts in my brain. And when you get upset at them or things don't go as planned, you think to yourself, is this what they're going to remember? Because, you know, you never know what they're going to remember.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Tara Kovach]

And it just, it feels like your heart is just constantly getting squeezed because.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

It'S hard to know what stays with kids. Tara, recently, while Cal was playing Minecraft, asked him what he remembers.

[Tara Kovach]

Do you remember last summer when I had my surgery? Yeah. Was that kind of scary? Not only. So why do I have surgery in the first place? Oh, something like you. You accidentally ate something you weren't supposed to? No, I just had something growing in my body that wasn't supposed to be there. That's exactly what I said. So they needed to take it out? Well, I didn't eat. Was growing from my cells. Was it like a plant? No, it was just part of my body. But it was a part that wasn't supposed to be there.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara's kids may still be too young to really grasp what's going on or to fully know what cancer is. Shoot. Most adults don't even understand. Tara herself didn't really know what chemo was until she went through it. And she's still very much working through how to parent in the shadow of cancer. Tell me this. Every cancer diagnosis I'm aware of changes people in a certain way. Changes. It changes them as a partner, it changes them as a worker, it changes them as a parent.

[Tara Kovach]

It changes you. I mean, it definitely changes you fundamentally as a person. And, you know, some people like to say all for the better. I don't think think that is true for me. I think. I think it's hard. It makes you more worried, it makes you more anxious, probably makes you more overprotective, but it also makes you more grateful, more appreciative, maybe more loving and more patient and kind and trying to live in the moment as much as humanly possible. I mean, we all strive for that. It's very hard to do, but I try to keep bringing myself back to that because I think it's the little things that kids do remember and they will remember down the line. It's, you know, usually not the big trips and the expensive gifts and things like that, but it's the small, like, quality time.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

What are some of the small things you truly appreciate?

[Tara Kovach]

We have lots of snuggle time at night and we all get in the bed together and, like, snuggle and chat and talk about our days and play a little game where we trace something on each other's backs. Okay. Nighttime game. Okay, I'll trace something on your back and you try to guess what it is. Is it a goose? Is it an animal? Is it squishmallow? Is it my creeper? Nope. Is it cowy fossil? Yes, it was Mad Libs. This is so quick. Did Good job. And then I put them in their own beds and we say our prayers and, you know, just have a little bit of, like, love. I just like, I call it pouring love into them, where I say, I'm so lucky that I get to be your mom. And you're such a great kid in so many ways. You are so kind and funny and creative and hard working. I love you very much. Good night. And I hope that. I hope that's what stays with them as they get older. No matter what happens.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I have no doubt in my mind that the love Tara pours into her kids will stick with them as they grow up. And that no matter what the test results and scans show, Tara and her family will support and hold each other up and make it through whatever the next step is. Two days after we talked, Tara finally got the results.

[Tara Kovach]

I was waiting to hear back from my oncologist and hadn't heard anything. So I actually checked directly into the portal and of course it says your results are in. And then you have to click through so many different screens to get to the actual PDF that says your results. So my heart was pounding the whole time and it was circulating. Tumor DNA not detected. So it was a huge, huge relief.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

She instantly felt a physical difference.

[Tara Kovach]

When you have that level of anxiety and that knowledge that your life could change in an instant. You have this knot basically in your chest and as soon as I saw the results, I just felt it release completely.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tara was alone when she got the results, so she immediately called her partner and then her sister and we cried.

[Tara Kovach]

And talked and then I went for a walk and had a really nice lunch out in the sunshine.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So with the results in, Tara is good for now.

[Tara Kovach]

I try not to think about it. I try not to worry. I tell myself all the things I need to say to get through to the next scan. I'm gonna do my best to live a full, wonderful, anxiety free, happy life until the next time I need to do one of these scans right before Thanksgiving.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Squeezed is a Lemonada Media original. I'm your host. Yvette Nicole Brown, Lisa Fu and Hannah Boomershine are our producers. Muna Danish is our senior producer. Ivan Karayev is our engineer. Our theme music is by Andy, Kristen's Daughter, with additional music by APM Music. Jackie Danziger is our VP of Narrative Content. Executive producers are me, Yvette Nicole Brown, Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Widdles Wax. This show was created in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, a leading national philanthropy dedicated to taking bold leaps to transform health in our lifetime and pave the way together to a future where health is no longer a privilege, but a right. Follow Squeeze wherever you get your podcasts or listen ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership.