#156 - Joe List and Robert Kelly

Summary

STAVVY'S WORLD #156: Joe List & Robert Kelly

Podcast Date: November 24, 2025
Host: Stavros Halkias
Guests: Joe List, Robert Kelly

Episode Overview

Stavros celebrates Thanksgiving week in "Stavvy's World" with returning guests and beloved comics Joe List and Robert Kelly. The trio delivers a rich, raucous hang around food, family dysfunction, sexcapades, culture clashes, old-school comedy memories, voice impressions, and listener call-in advice. Woven throughout are stories of awkward Thanksgivings, strip clubs, relationship mishaps, and riffing on American and immigrant family eccentricities.

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Main Themes and Key Discussion Points

1. Thanksgiving Traditions, Food, and Family Dynamics

• Classic Family Gatherings: The episode opens with the crew riffing on their own family Thanksgivings—how they do (or avoid) cooking, inviting stray comics to dinner, and the chaos/comfort of family rituals.

  • Robert’s Tradition: Robert hosts comics with nowhere to go, e.g., Jim Norton, and recounts the warmth and weirdness of those meals.
  • Food Debate: They argue about the essential Thanksgiving spread—Stavro’s anti-turkey take vs. Bobby’s love of tradition:

    “Turkey... it’s an overrated bird.” (Stavros, 54:56)
    “But it’s a tradition. Turkey. Mashed potatoes... Cranberry sauce in the can, not homemade horseshit—I want the shape of a can.” (Robert, 55:02)

  • Mac & Cheese Faction: Joe admits his family eats like children—mac and cheese at every meal, sometimes even pizza on Thanksgiving.

• Family Tension:

  • Thanksgiving as a meaning-laden occasion to introduce new romantic partners, especially with “difficult” families.
  • Loosely touch on the “fake-it-til-you-make-it” aspect of holiday civility, especially in Italian/Irish-American households.

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2. Weight, Body Image, and Fat Guy Rituals

• Ongoing Weight Struggles: The comics joke about their history with diets, fatness, and body transformations:

  “You’re on some trying mode every time we do this podcast.” (Robert to Stavros, 18:08) “Who would understand that more than you?” (Stavros to Robert, 18:15)

• New Drugs and Surgeries:

  • Discussion about Ozempic and stomach surgery’s role in the comedy community’s recent body transformations.

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3. Sexcapades: From Strip Clubs to Sex Tourism

• Strip Club Lore:

  • Hilarious reminiscences about New England’s shadiest strip joints (Squire, Golden Banana, “King Arthur’s chicken strip joint in an oil field”).
  • Patrice O’Neal stories:

    “He’d heckle—‘bring that funky titty over here!’—and we’d play closest to the pole with wrinkled dollar bills.” (Robert, 37:24)

  • Stories span from strip clubs in Massachusetts and Rhode Island (with “touch-friendly” rules) to “accidentally” running into old acquaintances turned dancers.

• Prostitution & Sex Tourism:

  • Robert admits to “sex tourism” with middle-aged women and recounts being massaged and “cured of fears” with hand jobs by women decades his senior.
  • Debates breaking the stigma around herpes, STIs, and the reality of sexual health among comics.

• Male Nudity Anxiety:

  • Robert and Joe riff on why neither could be a male stripper—insufficient “piece,” body insecurity, comedic takes on “dick size hierarchy,” and Naked Roast Battle anxieties.

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4. Social Commentary: City Life, Politics, Immigration & Culture

• NYC Changes:

  • Riffs on “city is dying/gentrification” banter, whether the rich will really leave due to taxes, and the revolving exodus between NY and Florida/Austin.
  • Guardian Angels nostalgia and mockery of performative policing.

• Culture Wars and "Woke" Progressivism:

  • Jests about generational gaps, shifting boundaries around sex, harassment, and gender, leading to “dystopian future” jokes about women bosses and “norms changing overnight.”
  • On Cuomo:

    “What is sexual harassment? Wasn’t that a compliment?” (Robert, 58:49)
    “Yeah, you can’t even tell a girl she’s beautiful...” (Robert, 58:52)

• Racial & Ethnic Humor:

  • Bounces between pointed and absurd jokes about Greek, Italian, Indian, and Filipino communities (“Filipinos are so nice... men are cute, they’re like teddy bears”).
  • Several self-deprecating digs at their inability to navigate being “woke” while maintaining old-school comics’ banter.

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5. Listener Calls & Advice Segments

Call 1: Bringing Indian Girlfriend to Racist MAGA Family Thanksgiving ([1:16:54])

• Mixed advice: Some skepticism about family racism being “as bad as you think”; Joe posits Indian is a “preferred” minority among bigots (“These people think India = doctor and Buddha.”).
• Comic escalation: Suggesting to bring a gay Black friend to “soften the parents up” as a farcical decoy.

Call 2: Friend’s Wife Freezing Out the Group ([1:28:32])

• Recognition that many couples fall into a “social secretary” pattern, with wives controlling husbands’ social calendars.
• Solution: Text the buddy directly, act in good faith; if he’s still out, “life’s too short, cut him out.”

Call 3: Worry Over Mimicking Accents (Black Vernacular, etc.) ([1:36:32])

• All three admit to occasionally slipping into accents subconsciously, especially when wanting to fit in.

  “Human mirroring instinct for connection—but it is incredibly embarrassing.” (Stavros, 100:43)

• Solution: Stay self-aware. If it makes you (and others) cringe, it will phase out over time.

Call 4: 28yo Man Dating a 38yo Woman ([1:40:30])

• Candid debate:
  • Robert: “She can’t get pregnant anyway, enjoy the ride.”
  • Joe: “My wife had a baby at 47, but it took time/money (IVF).”
  • Stavros: Age gap not a deal breaker, but check if you want the same things (esp. kids).

Call 5 (Heartfelt): Listener Thanks Show for Helping Through IVF/Miscarriage Grief ([1:52:01])

• Uncharacteristically warm moment, with the comics expressing gratitude for being of emotional help—plus wry commentary that life (and comedy) is “paved with L’s.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Stripper Anxiety

  “I don’t have the dick to strip. Let me finish.” (Robert, 45:20)
  “It’s gotta flop. It’s gotta bounce... unless my music was yodeling.” (Joe, 45:23)

• On Relationships & Family

  “Thanksgiving, big feast with your family and friends—should get whatever the fuck you want. The spirit is that, not turkey.” (Stavros, 65:30)

• On Weight & Drugs

  "You could’ve gone to a real doctor. You’re one of the fattest guys I fucking know!" (Stavros, paraphrasing, 23:00)

• On Social Change

  “Our culture was so different—movies were different. It changed very rapidly to this new way.” (Robert, 59:54) “Movies are gonna be polite… It’s not even gonna be a man, it’s gonna be a woman boss. Boo!” (Robert, 62:33)

• On Authenticity

  "If you genuinely like her, talk about future and kids, don't let the age gap alone be your answer." (Stavros, 111:04)

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Food & Culture Hot Takes

• Thanksgiving Hierarchy: Bob demands “cranberry sauce in the shape of the can,” hates homemade; Stav wants “rib roast over turkey.”

• Barbecue, Overrated?:

  “Barbecue is over. Over-priced, and you feel like garbage after. Chinese ribs are better.” (Robert & Stavros, 71:39)

• Soup Discourse:

  “Asian soups, completely superior to American soups. Soup-erior!” (Joe, 73:19)

• Culinary “Authenticity”:
  Riffs on Mexican cooks in Italian kitchens, riffing on secret leftism secured by sex worker rights and free bread.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:08] – Plugs, comedy projects, and podcast shilling
• [16:17] – NYC exodus debate, city politics
• [22:00] – Sex tourism, Amsterdam red light adventures
• [24:33] – Weight loss stories, Ozempic vs. surgery
• [37:24] – Boston strip club lore, Patrice O’Neal stories
• [54:18] – Thanksgiving dish hierarchy argument
• [64:28] – “Hearts Turkey Farm” all-year Thanksgiving
• [86:42] – Joe about non-white partners in the List family
• [89:30] – Listener: friend’s wife ghosting
• [96:32] – Listener: accidental accent-mimicking quandary
• [104:55] – Listener: dating a woman 10 years older, family planning
• [113:01] – Heartfelt call: show helped listener/family through infertility struggles

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Tone and Language

• Unfiltered, blue-collar comic banter: Constant ribbing, body humor, and half-sincere advice.
• Fast-paced riffing: Touches on controversial topics, but leans into self-deprecation and camaraderie over edginess.
• Tender moments: Laced between the laughs, moments of genuine care for fans and their own family experiences.

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Final Thoughts

Stavvy’s World #156 is a Thanksgiving feast of raunchy stories, off-color riffs, genuine advice, and holiday warmth. The chemistry between Stavros, Robert, and Joe is top notch: they bounce between high-energy bits, self-aware gallows humor, and real moments of emotional support—balancing laughs with the realities of aging, love, family, and the struggle to keep it all together. A can’t-miss hang for comedy fans who want it real, rude, and somehow still comforting.

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Happy Thanksgiving from Stavvy's World!

Transcript

[Robert Kelly]

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[Joe List]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price.

[Stavros Halkias]

So that means half day. Yeah.

[Joe List]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of $45 for a three month plan.

[Robert Kelly]

Equivalent to $15 per month. Required new customer offer for first three speed slow 135 gigabytes of networks busy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Taxes and fees extra c mintmobile.com welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904800 Stav call in. We'll solve your problems. It's a wonderful holiday week, Thanksgiving. And I'm here with my comedy, my comedy father, my comedy brother, Joseph List and Robert Kelly. You're the only one not dressed as a turkey. I'm not dressed as a pie.

[Robert Kelly]

The pie.

[Joe List]

The pie doesn't.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hey, how about this?

[Robert Kelly]

No pie does this.

[Joe List]

Okay. Or like this.

[Robert Kelly]

That's.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's you, the pie. That's the.

[Joe List]

I like these microphone that looks like NBC Sports. Like 98. Like this. What O.J.

[Stavros Halkias]

Had.

[Joe List]

Well, we're out here folks, and it's going to be a windy day.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's. He's doing the weather for some reason. Meteorologist, sports.

[Joe List]

They talk weather, you jackass.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, but that's your go to example.

[Joe List]

I couldn't think of. What am I a Hollywood actor?

[Stavros Halkias]

You.

[Joe List]

This guy's all SAG now.

[Robert Kelly]

He's all yeah there.

[Stavros Halkias]

I wonder where you were going to go with that.

[Robert Kelly]

Bob held it back, cuz. I know you have new friends. I know you have new friends. I love your podcast.

[Joe List]

I don't want to get.

[Robert Kelly]

I love how you, you confront people on their issues. Confront her now.

[Stavros Halkias]

I am not a confronter and my.

[Robert Kelly]

Wife go over words I can't say this morning.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, please be good for you in society, Robert.

[Robert Kelly]

It's probably good for my son.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Joe List]

No. Blacks are the best. Gays are Cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Everybody can be what they want to be. Do what you want. Do what you want.

[Joe List]

Don't listen, change genders.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no God, America stinks.

[Stavros Halkias]

So far, so good. You haven't. You haven't heard a peep for me yet. Beautiful Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Here's what we're gonna check out from my beautiful guests and to my best friends in the world. Joe, what do we have to plug?

[Joe List]

I gotta. I made a movie.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Joe List]

Called Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian. It's on punchuplive.com, the greatest website of all time. And my latest special, Small ball, is on YouTube. And I have a week. Bi weekly. No, Bi Monthly. Bisexual podcast called the Regs, with Robert Patrick Kelly, Luis Jose Gomez, and Dan Soda. Michael Soder. I think it might be Michael.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is it Michael? I don't know.

[Joe List]

Maybe I guessed one time and he's like, you're a good friend. You know my middle name.

[Robert Kelly]

You forgot. Yeah.

[Joe List]

And I was like, oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyways, I love it.

[Joe List]

That's it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Go look at all that stuff, Bobby.

[Joe List]

Look at it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Watch it. Engage in it. It's very funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He is a very. I was in one of his films, fourth of July.

[Joe List]

That's right.

[Robert Kelly]

Very good.

[Stavros Halkias]

You were very good at that. You're both great in that.

[Joe List]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Go to Punchup Live. Robert Kelly, all my dates. My special is up there. Live from the village underground. And go to my YouTube page, YouTube.com obertkellycomedy my other special, Kill Box is up there. And a bunch of my comedy stuff. And of course, check out the regs. I'm on the bonfire. I have another thing. Bone to pick with Paul Verze. I would love to have both of you guys on that someday. Very fun. Easy. I'm in podcast. And then, of course, ykwd, the original.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, the one that started all these.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is hilarious that literally all of.

[Robert Kelly]

Us just did what I did. Except way better.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And made way more money. And I still have you on his guest. And it does nothing for a bump. I mean, they don't even bump it anyways. And I have. I have, I have. I'm gonna be making an announcement pretty soon. I have. I filmed last year. I brought three comics up into the woods, Canada. And a lot of went wrong and a lot of stuff. But we're gonna. I think we're gonna have something to show people, and it's gonna be very, very interesting.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bob Grylls, you're on your bear grill in the wilderness.

[Robert Kelly]

Apparently I'm not.

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

With what happened up there and it's gonna be.

[Ad Read Voice]

It's.

[Robert Kelly]

But yeah, I love it. Comedy camp. Hopefully we'll see the light of day this year at some point. Oh, yeah. Oh, Colin Quinn has wanted me to tell you get out of the city.

[Joe List]

Oh yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

He wants you back in Greekville with a bunch of fat people in Queens. You're not supposed to be here.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know. I really have fucked up the natural order of things.

[Joe List]

So do you have the place in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Queens still right now? We have the place in Queens. My buddy is renting it, most of it. But we kept the back room as a studio.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you have the other place in Baltimore too?

[Stavros Halkias]

I have a spot in Baltimore, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

How many spots you got?

[Stavros Halkias]

Those are it. And then my fucking dad lives in a house. So I'm the only person who loses money on real estate. And you know. But that's. I couldn't be a landlord. It's unethical. What do you guys think of that? What now I'm reverse trolling you? Yeah. No, I'm offensive.

[Joe List]

This. This. This is going to be a grocery store in a few months.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, by now our. Our. Our mayor has taking power. I welcome power.

[Joe List]

They would have had the election.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to say you're right.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's won by now. Hopefully against Sharia law. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That's where you can tell your wife to shut her face. Right?

[Joe List]

Isn't she a backup singer? Saying with the stones on the 72.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tour, she's the one who did the rain.

[Robert Kelly]

I would love to have a wife stick.

[Stavros Halkias]

See, there's some common ground.

[Robert Kelly]

Robert.

[Caller Eldis]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Bring that mom daddy body in. What's his name?

[Stavros Halkias]

Zoron, Mom. Donnie.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That's a good name.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a great. First of all, that is a good name.

[Robert Kelly]

Zoron. That sounds like the evil guy in a Marvel movie.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, he's the guy. He's the guy who made Tom Hanks big. Close enough. Zoron Zoltan, you know, like can have.

[Joe List]

A heart on the whole podcast. Can't tell. Are those your real feet?

[Robert Kelly]

I know. Are you in the next Lord of the Rings?

[Stavros Halkias]

I do have some Fred Flintstone style feet.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do you have slender feet, Bob? Did getting fat, didn't. It didn't flatten your shit out.

[Robert Kelly]

Funny. I have a theory that people don't get fat in their feet.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think they. The feet get fat, but so much structural damage. Yeah. Gets done where they flatten out.

[Robert Kelly]

My foot is as flat as it could get.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Carrying around 19 babies.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Eight years. Flatten my feet.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I bet. Naturally. You had slender feet. You had very feminine features as a. As a young man.

[Robert Kelly]

I did. I did. I still. Certain parts of me are still feminine.

[Joe List]

Sounds like a Native American. Oh.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, all right.

[Joe List]

How is that offensive? It's Thanksgiving. We should be talking about the Indians.

[Robert Kelly]

But it means something different to him.

[Joe List]

We should be talking about the savages. I mean, Native Americans.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, the noble savages. I'm also wrong, but I'm just. I'm doing, like, MSNBC liberal, where it's still racist.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're here on beautiful Thanksgiving with my friends here. What are we cooking this year?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, first of all, I don't cook.

[Stavros Halkias]

You've never cooked? You don't have a specialty? No steak tips? You grill.

[Robert Kelly]

I grill.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

Summertime. Bob's on the clock.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, say 5. 5. 4. 4.

[Stavros Halkias]

3.

[Robert Kelly]

3. 2. 2.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

1.

[Stavros Halkias]

1.

[Robert Kelly]

That's how you cook a perfect steak.

[Joe List]

I thought that was the contra code, remember? Up, up, left, right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Unlimited bullets.

[Robert Kelly]

No, Don won't let me cook at all. I do do the dishes.

[Joe List]

Do.

[Robert Kelly]

Do I do the dishes on Thanksgiving?

[Stavros Halkias]

That's good. That's progressive of you.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on, get in, Mandani. I don't want to do these dishes.

[Joe List]

Hold on.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's gonna make it illegal for you for men to do dishes. That is awesome to be so racial.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, all right.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's Muslim. It's all right. It's all good. We'll at least get to abuse our women.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I don't cook at all. She cooks everything. She has third generation stuffing. Yeah, she knows how to cook. She loves cooking Thanksgiving dinner. But, you know, so I just. I just sit around and I just.

[Stavros Halkias]

Snack and I love that.

[Robert Kelly]

Have my friends over, and then I do the dishes.

[Stavros Halkias]

We had a very intimate Thanksgiving. It was me, you, me, your family, and literally just Jim Norton. Oh, yeah, it was us. It was just us. And it was fun.

[Robert Kelly]

Every Thanksgiving for around 20 years, I invite comics who don't have anywhere to go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

They come to my house. Yeah. And, yeah, I've had Louis over. Welcome to Manhattan. That's him making a grocery store right now in the front lobby.

[Joe List]

Hey, we got bread. It's gotta be 50 cents a loaf when it comes out of your wallet.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Get in line.

[Stavros Halkias]

Guys, do you really not. I mean, we shouldn't get into this on the podcast.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on, get into it. Tell us how much you love this freaking guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

He is good.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is exactly what we need In New York City.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly 100.

[Stavros Halkias]

We need to stop sucking off these big businesses. They're not going anywhere. They need to pay their fair share and we need to reinvest in public works.

[Robert Kelly]

And then next time, this podcast, next Thanksgiving this will be in Austin.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no. I promise you it won't be an awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope you won.

[Stavros Halkias]

If I'm going to a floor, if I'm going to a tax haven, it will be Florida.

[Robert Kelly]

Florida is the best.

[Joe List]

I just came from Florida.

[Stavros Halkias]

How'd you have a good time?

[Joe List]

Lovely time.

[Stavros Halkias]

You went on a nice. This cruise you said went sound awesome.

[Joe List]

I don't even want to talk about because I don't want other people. I don't want to get out there.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't want to spoil.

[Joe List]

I don't want people coming.

[Robert Kelly]

Well you're saying that people don't know about cruises.

[Joe List]

Well, this is a specific cruise.

[Robert Kelly]

What a gay cruise?

[Stavros Halkias]

That's right. You want a nice low key time go to a gay cruise.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me tell you something, what a fucking cruise that would be.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean there'd be a lot of sucking and used to be gay.

[Robert Kelly]

Go on a cruise with all gay dudes.

[Joe List]

They have every.

[Robert Kelly]

Every door is open.

[Joe List]

There's no way they don't have a gay cruise.

[Stavros Halkias]

They do.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just wants to be gay. I know Bob is a bisexual. Pretending he's a conservative now and now and this once can't be conservative.

[Robert Kelly]

Bisexuals.

[Joe List]

Yeah, that's up.

[Robert Kelly]

That's fucked up.

[Joe List]

Plenty of gay.

[Robert Kelly]

That's up.

[Joe List]

Gay conservatives. You have to be Mitch McConnell. Lindsey Graham.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Donald Trump.

[Joe List]

Yeah, Donald Trump.

[Robert Kelly]

How great would it be if Donald Trump was into ass play?

[Stavros Halkias]

I think he probably. He could probably dabble.

[Robert Kelly]

Could you imagine it? What is. Look at his face and then look at his ass.

[Stavros Halkias]

The hole would be loose. If his neck is any indication. This finger doesn't have a lot of elastic left.

[Robert Kelly]

How terrible was that? He was made Time magazine and they.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know because we all know the neck angle. Brutal dude.

[Robert Kelly]

As people have had photos taken the club they always take the. And as a fat guy angle you look down, the guy's just looking up at you and that's the one going to use next time. They took the worst photo. But if you look at the photo on top of his head, it looks like devil horns.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, I didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

They put the M on top of his head so it looks like he has devil horns. And it's just. He looks like Satan. If you look at it the right way.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's pretty yeah, he looks. He looks like an old woman in that picture.

[Joe List]

Yeah, I got. Pull it up. You don't have the TV anymore?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, we don't have.

[Robert Kelly]

You got that, though. You got that construction out front.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is true. Hopefully. I'm sure Eldest's wizardry will be able to hide it.

[Joe List]

You gotta love Trump, though, the other day. Well, this is now months ago now, but I love when they're like, you think this will get you into heaven? He's like, I'm not getting into heaven.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, that was awesome. I'm going to fucking hell. It's over. I'm a pedophile.

[Joe List]

A beautiful, honest moment. He's like, no way. I fucked a lot of pigs. Didn't call him back.

[Robert Kelly]

Only second to when he called Rosie o'. Donnell. I just said about Rosie o', Donnell, one of the funniest moments on tv.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I know, that was funny. I lamented as a. As a childhood Rosie o' Donnell fan, it's gotta be tough to be Rosie. In no way did you think Donald Trump would become the most powerful man alive. Like the guy you have celebrity beef with. That should have been for like, you know, Access, like the third segment on Access Hollywood. Mario Lopez should be talking about it, right? But it's actually. CNN is talking about you being a fat pig. It sucks, dude.

[Joe List]

It would be like if Mondami became. May just be a nightmare. I'd be like, ah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Are you a Curtis Silois guy?

[Joe List]

Who's that?

[Stavros Halkias]

The guy with the beret?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I'm on the subway, I'm just chilling out. All of a sudden a guy's standing in front of me and he puts his hand out. It was him.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

And he's like, hey, how are you? I'm Curtis. How you doing? Nice to me. I'm running for mayor. He hands me a card and I was like, hey, man, nice to meet you too. I just can't. I just wanted to be like, dude, you lose that beret.

[Stavros Halkias]

Lose the beret.

[Robert Kelly]

Lose that beret. I'm fucking in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Or give us all berets.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, I do like that guy. Yeah, all berets is good. Now you are getting communist. I mean, that's the Red Army's uniform. Basically. All berets. A little star on him. But he's like, what Guardian Angels guys? Those guys in the 70s that would like patrol the subways or whatever?

[Robert Kelly]

You mean the good guys that did this out of the goodness of their heart to protect people of the citizens of New York. Silk jackets and berets and didn't know a lick of kung fu had no weapons.

[Stavros Halkias]

I wonder how many of those guys got up in the. The warrior. You know, that's kind of, I guess warriors airing New York 70s when it looked scary. Yeah, that was probably cool. You think we're coming back?

[Joe List]

Yeah. Well, this guy wants the police off the subway. He hates the police.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, so nobody's gonna be watching Candy Crush on the subway anymore. Those don't do.

[Robert Kelly]

So here's the thing. We're going to be the comic gangs around with microphones with little. A little six foot cord and we whipping them around.

[Joe List]

Here come the hacks. They got stools on them.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love that. I would love that. Yeah, look, listen, I'm excited. Hopefully people flee. I get a nice deal on an apartment. That's what I'm looking for.

[Joe List]

Oh, they're going to flee.

[Stavros Halkias]

Where are they going to go?

[Joe List]

Joe, are you leaving Long Island?

[Stavros Halkias]

Florida?

[Joe List]

All those places? Yeah, yeah, they're going to flee. I mean, I'm talking about the really rich people. They'll flee.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think they will.

[Joe List]

Of course they will.

[Stavros Halkias]

New York has too much to offer. You have to call rich people's bluff. They're not moving. They're not leaving America. They're not leaving New York.

[Joe List]

They never left in Covid. They go to Long Island.

[Stavros Halkias]

They still whatever their businesses. Everything, everything has to be here. They're fucking bluffing. They're not going to go anywhere.

[Joe List]

Maybe you're right.

[Stavros Halkias]

The tax. The tax that. That's what rich people always say. They're like, no, we'll.

[Robert Kelly]

Chicks.

[Joe List]

I mean tell them California. Look at they all. They all left.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, because California does not have what New York City has.

[Robert Kelly]

We're dressed like pies and turkeys. Can you shut the up? What are we doing? What are we doing?

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, all right, all right, all right. Let's talk about.

[Joe List]

Anyway, I went on the Turner Classic Movies cruise. It was awesome. It was awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you went on that, that nerd ship.

[Joe List]

It wasn't nerd. It's old people. It's the oldest people ever. We brought the median age down by 40 years. I mean, people were elder. I told Stavros off camera, right. Sarah and I were taking turns on the water slide. They have a water slide that's like. You sit there like this, it goes. The floor drops out. It was just us. We were taking turns. Cuz everyone there, their hips would explode into pieces.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, dude.

[Joe List]

And there was no kids. My. My son was the only one he hated It.

[Robert Kelly]

There was also that. There was also no tea and toast.

[Joe List]

It was great. I put on 45 pounds. I watched seven movies in three days.

[Stavros Halkias]

What's the diet looking like on the. How do you. What's the. What are they feeding you on the cruise?

[Joe List]

Well, first of all, it's a Disney crew. Like turn classic movies just borrows the Disney cruise ship. So it's the Disney ma magic. And then they try to do a thing where they set you up with a waiter that you have for the week.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, wow.

[Joe List]

And then you go to like a nice restaurant. But I hated the guy. He was. He was Serbian. I'm just painting a picture. I didn't hate him because he's Serbian.

[Robert Kelly]

What does that mean?

[Joe List]

I'm painting a photo.

[Stavros Halkias]

Doesn't get racism towards whites. He doesn't understand.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta take this off. This is killing me. I'm gonna hot. We're back into politics. Serbians go turkey.

[Joe List]

I'm just saying, I don't know your.

[Robert Kelly]

Favorite dish on Thanksgiving. Soon to be fat guy. And it used to be fat guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's talk about used to. I used to be fatter.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean that's.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Joe List]

We're having a nice time.

[Robert Kelly]

That was.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, now I'm the pointing out the truth.

[Robert Kelly]

Ever since you went.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's look at that tag once. It's. How many X's are on the end of that tag? One X X. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

It used to be a three X.

[Joe List]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Don't do fat on fat crap.

[Stavros Halkias]

You did it earlier. I did because I was meal prepping and you told me stop.

[Robert Kelly]

Because this is why. We've done this podcast a bunch of times and every time we do it. You're on some trying mode.

[Stavros Halkias]

Who the would understand that more than you? You.

[Robert Kelly]

I just want to.

[Stavros Halkias]

How many fats are you on? 14.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you do this when you're not trying? Can we come on the show when you quit?

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

So we can have pizza and dumplings.

[Joe List]

Where's the other cookie you bought?

[Robert Kelly]

It's downstairs. Pie held.

[Stavros Halkias]

This can go retrieve it. I don't have a Serbian servant. I have an Albanian servant.

[Joe List]

Anyways, he was a waiter and Serbia was just cuz I like to paint a picture. It's not like he was like, I'll shoot you or whatever. What happened there? They had a civil war.

[Stavros Halkias]

They had a civil war. Yugoslavia went to pieces. So they all kind of split up.

[Joe List]

Yeah. Bosnia, Herzkovina, Croatia.

[Robert Kelly]

I love Yugoslavia. Yeah. Isn't that a dish? Is that a dish?

[Stavros Halkias]

So he's. And you hate.

[Joe List]

Anyways. Well, he was one of these guys. He was doing this. And I think they're paid to do. Or they're asked to do this, whatever. But he would, like. He'd be like, all right, so then you got to get an appetizer. And we're like, well, we don't want an appetizer. He's like, come on, you gotta get an appetite. You gotta get the calamari. And we're like, we don't really want the calamari.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

And it's all paid for already.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, interesting.

[Joe List]

It's, like, inclusive. That's what I didn't get.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tip doesn't go up or anything.

[Joe List]

Yes. And then he was. He was doing magic tricks for my son, which was fine. Oh, why is that?

[Robert Kelly]

This all sounds amazing. Yeah, it. The best waiter ever, and you hate him because he's Serbian.

[Joe List]

No, I didn't like the way he served us.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, very nice.

[Joe List]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you, I've been on a bunch. I've been on a bunch of cruises.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

They have different. Different groups of people that work. And it's a. You know, whether it's. It's Filipinos, it might be Asians. It might be Indian.

[Joe List]

Filipino is Asia.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes. Yeah, but Indian is as well, actually.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. Spanish, Asia, Asians, like, you know. Oh, thank you, Joe. No, no. What happened to you? That's all I got. That's all he's got is that voice.

[Joe List]

If you take that away, what am I?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, why don't you have Dan soda on if you want real voices.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm like, bleep out all the macho man stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

But the Filipinos. Filipinos.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'll call your bluffed list.

[Robert Kelly]

The list gets canceled.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we Photoshop one of those trian hats on him.

[Robert Kelly]

Be funny. The Filipinos are the best.

[Stavros Halkias]

I do like Filipinos.

[Robert Kelly]

Filipino people are so nice and gentle. The men are very cute.

[Stavros Halkias]

The men are cute. They're like teddy bears.

[Robert Kelly]

You ever seen Joe Coy?

[Stavros Halkias]

I have seen Joe.

[Robert Kelly]

Adorable.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like them a little fatter than Joe Coy, though. They're very cute. Fat guys.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Hairless bodies, too.

[Stavros Halkias]

Absolutely. Have you ever explored the body of a Filipino man, Robert?

[Robert Kelly]

One time.

[Joe List]

One time he was making it.

[Robert Kelly]

He was making an elephant out of my towel, and I walked in abruptly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Did you ever do any sex tourism in the Philippines?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I was in the Philippines.

[Stavros Halkias]

You were more of a South American.

[Robert Kelly]

I've done sex tourism. Is that. That's such a great way. I wish I could have said that to Don I don't know that that's.

[Stavros Halkias]

The good term for it.

[Robert Kelly]

I've done sex tourism.

[Stavros Halkias]

Amsterdam, sure. Whatever. I went to Amsterdam and I. I was like, on purpose. I didn't stay at the red light near the red light district. I was like, I don't want. You know, let me just stay away from this.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like you staying at a chocolate factory.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I didn't know this, that they have at random neighborhoods will have little red light districts.

[Robert Kelly]

They have local.

[Stavros Halkias]

And they're like. They're like blue collar. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Local red light district.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Me and Keith went there by accident.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because it's definitely. It's not the.

[Stavros Halkias]

The talent.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, it's not the talent.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a feeder system for sure. It's like playing Newark instead of, you know. Yeah. It's the same in the city.

[Robert Kelly]

The salmon that are going back up river to spawn.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I got. So I was like, well, this place is right here. You know, I didn't try to. But, you know, I just came upon it.

[Joe List]

That's God.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's God forcing my hand. And so, you know, I walk by, appraise the different workers, and I'm like, make up my mind who I'm gonna go to.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then I turn the. And so I turn the corner. I'm like, all right, time to buy a little pussy. And I. I mean, I'm like whistling. I'm so pumped. And then just literally, guys, like, starvie podcast fan vacation. I was like, I can't. This has ruined everything.

[Robert Kelly]

He has a different view of you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, right.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't think he. When he left, he went. And he didn't go in.

[Joe List]

You're right.

[Robert Kelly]

The is wrong with him. He's.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's not who I thought he was so funny. I'm like, I don't want to shatter the illusion of my public Persona. That's like. I was talking to a friend about getting prescribed, like, the fucking fat guy medicine. And I was like, yeah, man. I had to go to a doctor. You know, I got one of these doctors that'll prescribe you anything. As if any doctor wouldn't have. Like, I got a guy who just give you pills, whatever. But he was like, you could have gone to a real doctor. You're one of the fattest guys I fucking know. I'm not. You're not getting rejected for Zep Bound or whatever. But.

[Joe List]

So how is it? Is it working?

[Stavros Halkias]

It worked for.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Zoom in on that face, Eldest. Thank you. Thank you. I look slightly better. It worked for a While. And then I think I need to go up in dose.

[Robert Kelly]

What dose are you taking?

[Stavros Halkias]

0.5.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you need to do 10.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, the. The initial is 2.5, then you do 0.5, then 0.75. I need to get up there a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you got to get up there, go to 10.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you didn't do it. You just missed it.

[Robert Kelly]

You had. Yeah, yeah, I got the stomach surgery, and then they were like, oh, we got this new thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

We have a miracle drug that's changed everyone's life.

[Joe List]

I've been away with fat.

[Stavros Halkias]

Joe is skinny now.

[Robert Kelly]

That's how I. Jay is skinny.

[Joe List]

That's how I feel with dating apps. I got a serious girlfriend right before it really became like, yeah, swipe. The swipe. I never got to swipe.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would not want to.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm so glad I didn't have to.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, that would have been a fucking nightmare for you. You're a sex addict. All right, well, I mean, it's Thanksgiving.

[Joe List]

I'm just a regular.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. Was.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that would have been ridiculous for me, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, you were. The stories you tell me. We were on the. You know, I'm not the. You know, it's Thanksgiving. We're all sharing. You would, like, just. You would find on the yellow pages, you would find some. A masseuse that seemed like a secret whore, and on a hunch, you would drive to a woman' house. And I remember one time, you tell me it was just this old woman, and you were, like, 22 or whatever.

[Robert Kelly]

48.

[Stavros Halkias]

She was 48 now, being 50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the time, you're young, and she looks at you like, clearly, her clientele was, like, old guys would come by, and her. You take. You tell the story.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she was. Well, I showed up, and she. She looked like, you know, substitute teacher. Yeah, she was a. She was kind of a little heavy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

And she sat me down, put me in a robe. She went, oh. She told me, please tell me your problem right now. What is bothering. And I told her some fears I had. And then she gave me a hour and a half massage, and at the end, she had homemade oil that she made that was in a Tupperware thing that was a solid. She put it into the microwave and made it into a liquid.

[Joe List]

Oh, that's hot.

[Robert Kelly]

So it might have been gravy.

[Stavros Halkias]

She basted you. She.

[Robert Kelly]

She proceeded to give me a hand job.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And at one point, she saw me looking at her boobs, so she just took one of her rather large boobs.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's pretty nice.

[Robert Kelly]

And I just held it. And then she showered me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh.

[Joe List]

And then she gone for the turkey suit. I'll say that shoved up right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Then she took me to the. She took. Talk to me again and gave me a. She had all these stones and she gave me. I'm gonna give you this stone because this stone represents fear. And if you carry that with you, it will help you.

[Stavros Halkias]

After you busted. She's talking to you about.

[Robert Kelly]

After I busted. It was a two hour session.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

And I had this. This green stone that took away my fears.

[Stavros Halkias]

Did it work?

[Robert Kelly]

No, not at all.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's what.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually went back to her so much. I had like a. The infinity Gauntlet.

[Stavros Halkias]

The thanos, some hand jobs from middle aged women.

[Robert Kelly]

How to keep coming up. Anxiety is my thing now.

[Stavros Halkias]

I didn't realize it was that involved.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't realize, but it was really magical. But then I. I remember she. I couldn't get in touch with her. She might have moved. Whatever. So I tried to get another older lady. I thought young girls always had an attitude. Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like if you got.

[Robert Kelly]

You know. But the older ladies, they were real pros.

[Stavros Halkias]

Seasoned pros. Veterans.

[Robert Kelly]

Grateful.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean?

[Robert Kelly]

A little more grateful.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, you also, when you were in the throes of this addiction were a very good looking man.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That was. That's how you must have. The addiction I could have got.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You were a girl.

[Stavros Halkias]

You were sexy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I was sexy. And I was going with middle aged women.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Telling them my problems so they could jerk me off.

[Joe List]

This was so frustrating for me is now I'm super sexy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Joe List]

But married.

[Robert Kelly]

Where's my guy?

[Joe List]

I used to be like a nerd with glasses. Like skinny and. But now I'm like a. You know what I mean, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, we know, Joe.

[Joe List]

Now I could clean up, but I'm all taken.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe you should kill your wife. Wife. Make it look like an accident. We can cut this.

[Joe List]

She's getting up there anyway.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just wait.

[Robert Kelly]

Just wait. Mandani's going to come in. You just tell her to beat it and get another one. You get four wives.

[Joe List]

Good point.

[Robert Kelly]

How many wives do you get? Seventy. How many wives do you get?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, that's for something else. Yeah, that's for the. The. The elite tier.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You got to take some flying lessons to get the struggling to see up close.

[Joe List]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Joe List]

Elvis went and stopped the construction.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Thank you, Ellis. You talked? Yeah. He closed the windows.

[Robert Kelly]

He was frightened if a big guy in a turkey outfit came out and told you to stop.

[Joe List]

Did you go out with the wings and everything with the costume on? I just closed the windows.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, did you turn on the AC at least?

[Joe List]

Where, where is the ac?

[Stavros Halkias]

It's those little, it's little knobs in the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

That's hilarious.

[Stavros Halkias]

You open the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

He's in a modern apartment. He's looking for a radiator.

[Joe List]

I literally thought you went out in the turkey costume. Was like, hey, you guys got.

[Stavros Halkias]

Shut the up. Robert Kelly started by getting jerked off up there. My pals are in a turkey suit.

[Robert Kelly]

I told you the time that I, I. So I went to look for a mature lady again, and I found a lady on, on the Internet. And I went, and she had to be, I think she probably around 78. And she opened her negligee, didn't fit in.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's the one I'm thinking about.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, that's the one.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And she, she had arthritis hands. Oh. Like, her hand was kind of like this.

[Stavros Halkias]

They were like frozen into jerk off.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Good for massage.

[Joe List]

Hooked up with Bob Dole, little claws.

[Robert Kelly]

But we went up, she had an elevator. She lived right up the street from Whiskey Go, Go. And she had an elevator. Remember? We took the elevator up. She. She grabbed my hand, but couldn't hold it. So I was just holding her knuckles. And I was in my brain. I'm like, I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't do this. And then I got up, there was like a hundred cats.

[Ad Read Voice]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

And they were just, they were all.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just like, oh, my God, this is brutal.

[Robert Kelly]

But then the worst part is at the end, and she's like, okay, honey, roll over. I go, was there a prostate massage?

[Joe List]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

She goes, you made this woman put her fucking arthritic fingers in your ass.

[Robert Kelly]

She goes, do you want that? I go, I thought it was included if it's not included. No, but if it's in the.

[Joe List]

She goes.

[Robert Kelly]

She goes. I just heard her trying to put a glove on.

[Joe List]

Oh, God.

[Robert Kelly]

It was a low point in my life.

[Stavros Halkias]

Going from. I should get out of here, too. Well, I mean, I'm here. She's gonna finger my ass. It's insane. Bob. Not just getting the standard hand job.

[Robert Kelly]

The funniest part about this story, she's dead now.

[Joe List]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Long dead from natural causes.

[Joe List]

He's probably been dead for a quarter century.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, that's a tough one. You.

[Joe List]

They.

[Stavros Halkias]

There should be a retirement program for old sex workers. You shouldn't have to figure, get your buddy. I think he actually would figure that out. Yeah, yeah, they'd be good, you know, do another service role.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, the good thing about this guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Prostitutes, put him in nursing homes.

[Robert Kelly]

Prostitution. He wants to make prostitution legal now.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're now, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So he's got, he's got some good ideas.

[Robert Kelly]

He's got a couple. He's got a couple shekels in his bag. That's all I'm saying. Hitting your wife. Having more wives. Wives having prostitutes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Not on his official.

[Robert Kelly]

Not yet. Not yet.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's got to warm us up to it.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Free bread. This is good.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like free bread. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong. I like the grocery stores.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, the free bus thing bugs me because the people that are bitching about, it's like, dude, you haven't taken a bus.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

Since you moved here. I know you're an Uber person.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Let the people have a free bus.

[Stavros Halkias]

There we go. Bobby Rick Turner, by the end of this, you're gonna get. We're gonna be going to, you know, prostitution is going to be legal. We're going to be riding the bus together. I'm winning you over.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what? You're winning me over.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I think in your heart, you do have these beliefs. What I think you're doing a little bit of, like, I'm a suburban dad now. I have to be conservative.

[Robert Kelly]

I tell you what I am. I, I would love to give to people. I, I. You can. You don't have to be.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know that about you.

[Robert Kelly]

You can do all of it. You can have a little bit of everything.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't mind people getting free.

[Stavros Halkias]

There we go. Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe List]

There's a bite missing out.

[Robert Kelly]

I just want to. I don't want to hear Prayer five times a day. I don't have to tiptoe around rugs to get to the L train to do this shitty podcast.

[Stavros Halkias]

You think there's gonna be sidewalk to sidewalk prayer rugs?

[Robert Kelly]

I was. I'm telling you right now, I was somewhere in Massachusetts and I. I stopped to get gas. I came out, there was 10 of them blocking the.

[Stavros Halkias]

On the.

[Robert Kelly]

Just praying. I'm like, ah, me.

[Joe List]

We had that all the time.

[Robert Kelly]

That was in the middle of f. Nowhere in Massachusetts.

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting, interesting.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a lot of Arabs moved to that area and at five o'. Clock. Holy. They just drop a rug down, get into.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, you got it.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that would have been.

[Joe List]

I thought you might have gotten it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Looked like you did.

[Robert Kelly]

I felt it. Butthole.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe List]

Oh, there it goes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You were never covered in cum. You were never a sex tourist of any kind, were you, Joe?

[Joe List]

No. Strip clubs. I love titty bars. In fact, not Thanksgiving, but New Year's Eve. We were there. Me and Tom dusted and my other buddy, Dan Hirsch, John, who hated it, he didn't want to go. And we got that. They opened at noon on New Year's Eve and we got there at like 11:55. And the door was unlocked, so we walked in. I probably told this story before, and so they were like, hey, you guys can come in. None of the girls hit us in Everett or Revere, whatever the must be. It was. I don't know if it was the Squire. No, it was the Cab, the cabaret.

[Robert Kelly]

The Cab. Oh, geez.

[Joe List]

It was the Cat. There was the Golden Banana, the Squire, which we called the Squid. There was King Arthur's.

[Robert Kelly]

The King Arthur was. Was the worst. It was in the middle of oil field.

[Joe List]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Over in Everett. I mean, you literally. You know those big round. You had to go through there and you'd walk in and just C sections and like one tip bigger than the other. Just a bite mark instead of a stage.

[Joe List]

It was like a pit. It was like.

[Robert Kelly]

That was. The cabaret was the second.

[Joe List]

It was like. It was like a little string around the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

But anyways, we were at the cab and we got there early and we went in and they were like, yeah, there's no girls here yet, but you guys are welcome. We ordered a drink and we sat down and I thought it'd be funny. We put our dollar bills on in front of us. And so the. The strippers came in with like coats and fur.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I yelled, ready, Boston?

[Joe List]

Ready when you are. And I got a big laugh. It was great. But they literally walked to work with, like, uggs and jackets. And we were sitting at the bar with our dollars like, ladies, happy New Year. And she probably thought, like, all right, we'll go in. It's gonna be a slow shift, of course. And then walked. I was like, you gotta be kidding me.

[Robert Kelly]

What was the place downtown? The little tiny shitty one? Oh, what was that one by, like, Chinatown? Yeah, the. The Golden Eye or the Naked Eye was the big one. And then down the street was a. It was literally like a three seater. Oh, they would come. It was a little tiny stage and they would come down there.

[Ad Read Voice]

These.

[Robert Kelly]

These like, five stairs, maybe.

[Joe List]

I never went to that one, but I remember the.

[Robert Kelly]

The name.

[Joe List]

I love strip clubs. I was a big strip club guy, but we had a great time. And we ended up befriending this lady. I didn't tell this before. Her name was Bethany.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think so.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

And her stripper name was Champagne. And we called her Body Glove Girl because she was like a bodybuilder lady. And she had the Body glove tattoo on, like, her hip.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's awesome.

[Joe List]

And she was kind of aging out. She was older. And we loved her because she got us. Because we weren't like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, you were.

[Joe List]

Get a boner and jerk off guy. We were, like, being silly geese. We're having a good time.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, I want to hang out with my boys. And if there's some tits in the. In the background, great 100.

[Joe List]

And so she would come over and then she wouldn't even dance. She would just chat with us. And everybody hated her and they hated us. And she ended up hanging out with us. She came to our house and everything. We loved her and it was fun. And there was another lady that would smack her ass so hard like. Like. And she had, like, a red bruising mark.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joe List]

And we had. We had an intervention. We were like, no, I don't think anyone's really into that. It's no good. And she was like, her eyes are too far apart.

[Stavros Halkias]

Club Ombudsman.

[Joe List]

You're like.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, this is this kind of like.

[Joe List]

I don't think you need to be doing that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah. You didn't get that on Mike, man.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on. I thought about it, but that was loud enough construction. You heard that? You have a really. First of all, nice tight butthole. That was. That was a squeak.

[Stavros Halkias]

It did squeak out.

[Robert Kelly]

That was. If me and him did that, it would sound like a storm coming.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fucking tumbleweed comes out of our ass.

[Robert Kelly]

I used to go to strip clubs In Boston with Patrice after Nick's. And he was hilarious because he would heckle bitches. He'd be like, yo, bring that funky titty over here. And then we would play closest to the pole. We wouldn't care about them. We'd just try to throw. We'd wrinkle dollar bills up and throw them.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get it close to the pole, we'll.

[Robert Kelly]

See who get it closest to the pole.

[Stavros Halkias]

Whoever wins, tries to win.

[Robert Kelly]

There was one girl that used to come down, down. There was all these. At that little tiny place. It was, you know, B, C team, but then the F team come out. This lady came down, she was so up looking as he came down with a limp down those five stairs. And her, her whole dance was she had Windex and paper towels and she would clean the smudge marks and the. The mirror because by the time she came out it was just all ass.

[Stavros Halkias]

Smudgy and it was residue on the pole. Oh, you gotta wipe it down. Yeah, yeah, that would be. That's good. That's being a good coworker.

[Robert Kelly]

I dated a stripper once.

[Joe List]

Oh yeah?

[Stavros Halkias]

How'd it go?

[Robert Kelly]

From the naked eye, I dated a couple strippers. Two of them. I didn't know they were strippers. I used to go to Rhode island to go to strip clubs, cuz. Boston strip clubs. Rhode island you could touch.

[Joe List]

Still the best. Rhode Island's still the greatest. There's cheaters.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's called cheaters.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Cheetahs.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, cheetahs. But they should call it cheaters. That's awesome.

[Joe List]

Well, it's a play on word, but that's not cheating. Not cheating.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a form. Yeah, I don't think it's a form.

[Stavros Halkias]

Unless you're getting your dick sucked.

[Robert Kelly]

Prostitution was legal in Rhode island up until like 10 years ago.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, yeah, it was run by the mafia until like 10 years ago.

[Joe List]

Yeah. I think Providence still has some up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I think so.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you can touch over in an.

[Robert Kelly]

RI In Rhode island you could touch. And I went down there one time and this girl came out and she.

[Stavros Halkias]

She did her whole thing going across state lines because the strip club rules are too restrictive. It's awesome, right?

[Joe List]

Not that far. It's not like Texas to Oklahoma. It's like a 40 minute ride. Don't act like we're.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's just hilarious. I respect it.

[Robert Kelly]

I need to get a RV and get a bunch of gods. Wasn't a yearly thing.

[Joe List]

Yeah, we weren't. Yeah, with wooden wheels and horses. Involved the Oregon Trail so you could.

[Stavros Halkias]

Rub A stripper's tits.

[Joe List]

You hop in the car, you have a six pack on the way, and you. Well, I. I. Famously. Real quick, I want to get back. That's. I signed my check over. I think I've told you. I probably told this on a million stories, but podcast. But I did a gig at the Providence Comedy Connection, and I was hosting. Was 25, and I went to the strip club and got a lap dance and literally endorsed the check over to the thing. Dead serious. I was like.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I. I. The. The best strip club story I ever had was with Billy Burr, big J and DeRosa. We went to wonderful crew Troy, New York, which is.

[Joe List]

I know Troy.

[Robert Kelly]

Troy, back in the day is a shithole. It's all right now. It was like Brooklyn. It was trying to be something, but it's still. So we're walking by after this college gig, and there was a just. It looked like a subway front, like, you know, like a sub shop, but it was all blacked out. And we heard music. We just opened the door. It was a sneaky strip club.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love that. On instinct alone. Yeah, you knew.

[Robert Kelly]

So we open it. We open it up. There's only one guy. There's two chicks, one guy, and the owner. And. And we walked in, he's like, come on. He literally come in, blah, blah, sat us down, blah, blah. And then I'm sitting there, I go, can you smoke? He goes, went over to the front door, locked the door. He goes, you can now. Hell, yeah. We start smoking. We're having a great time. All of a sudden, a sudden, he goes, ladies, ladies, let's get it together. They go up, they have a duffel bag. They go into this pit and they go, gentlemen, you're going to want to see this. We all surround the pit. You got to kind of look down into it, and it's a bag full of dildos. So. So they're playing the music and they're going. But as they're doing it, he. The DJs bringing the lights down. So right when it starts to get like, you know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, good.

[Robert Kelly]

The lights. You want the. You want the lights back up? Start tipping, fellas. So we're just like. He did it like five times. A little bit softer now.

[Joe List]

I would love if that was the song.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, right. Right at the end, we're all worked up. They go, all right, two, two, two dances for half off. Blah, blah, blah. So everybody goes upstairs. I stay downstairs because I'm not really into Laz. I'm such a pervert.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course I Can't. If you're in a. You're going to be like, well, how much did you just get? My dicks.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I can't do this right. But all of a sudden, the girl comes there halfway through the.

[Stavros Halkias]

The. The.

[Robert Kelly]

The second song. The. The girl comes down all pissy. Derosa comes down behind her, and they're fighting, and they're fighting. And then he's. Then he starts fighting with the guy. I walk over, he's. They're fighting. Because it was the. The first song was already halfway through. And then through the second song, and he's like, you said two, it's two free. That was a half. That's one and a half.

[Joe List]

He's a classic strip club argument.

[Robert Kelly]

It was. And the guy, then the guy tried, was trying to trigger him, and he goes, sir, I'm sorry, but they don't grind on you. He goes, I never said grind. Why are you saying grind? He's like, they don't grind. Stop saying grind. I never said grind. So DeRosa starts fucking flipping out. We all have to take off because.

[Stavros Halkias]

This maniac ruin the vibes of the illegal str.

[Robert Kelly]

Could debate a stripper.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's also like, yeah, it's okay. It's two for one. It's still.

[Robert Kelly]

We're all going back to jerk off in a hotel room. That was the night when I went right back to my room. I jerked off on my face cloth and then I put it on their door handle and I knocked their door and just. Big J came out and just went like this. What's this? Classic, classic, classic 80s humor.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's really 80s pranks.

[Joe List]

If I touched your cum with anything but my mouth, I would be disgusted.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. If it wasn't on my. In my esophagus, I'd be pissed off. That what was going on in Rhode island, though. We never finished the Rhode Island. You just would go. That was just.

[Robert Kelly]

It sucked because the both times I went to Rhode island, it was. I knew the girls, but I knew them before I knew them not as strippers. So they both looked through their coaches at me and they're like, Bobby. They were like, you have to go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, you ruined it for.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, cuz look, I can't do it. I'm like, ah, we got to get out of here.

[Stavros Halkias]

That sucks.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it does suck. You know that one of the girls came to me later, we went to the same tanning salon.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, awesome stuff. Being anti socialist and being like, yeah, I was a man who tanned, 30s. Yeah, I was smoking hot.

[Robert Kelly]

And we used to go to tennis. She wanted me to strip with her. She goes, I would like for you to. Maybe we could do strip. Because I have to do these shows, but sometimes, you know, they want girls and blah, blah, blah. And we could go to these bachelorette parties. Or I do the bachelor party. We can go. And you'd strip. And I actually was like, nah, I can't do it. I don't have the piece.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was penis related.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't have the piece because I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Feel like you would have done it if your cock was hang. You don't have the piece. You don't have the piece.

[Robert Kelly]

I've never. A hat.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's. Let's not kid ourselves. Listen, he doesn't have the dick to strip. You know that, Joe, I don't know.

[Joe List]

That much about his penis.

[Stavros Halkias]

You never seen Bobby's dick.

[Robert Kelly]

You've never seen my dick. Don't think you were a w cow.

[Stavros Halkias]

I've seen some towel imprints, but yes, maybe I've never seen it.

[Robert Kelly]

Wrong.

[Joe List]

Bobby seen my dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you why I'm gonna be honest with you right now. Because we're friends.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't have the dick to strip.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is that so hard?

[Robert Kelly]

Let me finish.

[Joe List]

Strippers take their dicks out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

The G string. And they just. That's why it's got a flop.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's got a flop.

[Robert Kelly]

It's got a bounce.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's got to go to the music. Unless my music was yodeling.

[Joe List]

But my day, I mean, you had that great old joke about it. My day, I have different dicks. I got a lot of. Sometimes my dick is this big and sometimes it's quite long.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I have a nice dick. I do have a nice dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay?

[Robert Kelly]

And I've. I. I have a nice, nice piece. It's around probably six and a half. What are you saying it like that?

[Joe List]

You mean out of 10? I'm like, okay, I can accept that. Six and a half inches.

[Robert Kelly]

I have a six and a half inch dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know about that hard.

[Robert Kelly]

If you take my balls, tie rope around them and pull it as hard as you can and then let me lean into it. I have a six and a half inch dick. That's a fact.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're leaning like. It's like the Michael Jackson with a nail in his boot.

[Robert Kelly]

You mush down all my bush fat.

[Joe List]

Yes, but girls don't want long dick. They want a thick cut.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true. What is that? What is it?

[Joe List]

A thick dick they want.

[Stavros Halkias]

I believe, I believe that's true.

[Joe List]

Yeah. That's what I've heard from over length.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What like a little beer. A beer can over.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think that's right. A long.

[Joe List]

Nobody wants a long dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Rooting around in there for yourself.

[Joe List]

I want a skinny dick. A long skinny dick.

[Robert Kelly]

God has granted your wish.

[Joe List]

Not on me, in me.

[Robert Kelly]

I tell you, I used to call Joe on FaceTime all the time and he would always answer the phone and he'd be like lying in bed at a hotel room somewhere. And then all of a sudden he just panned out. His was out the whole time.

[Joe List]

That's funny. That's good.

[Robert Kelly]

But we be talking for 15 minutes and then he just slowly panned down. His helmet was out the whole time.

[Joe List]

That's always going to be funny.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's always going to be good.

[Robert Kelly]

Joe's got a nice piece.

[Joe List]

I've seen it. I sorter saw it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm with you though. M. The, the, the. The limiting factor for me would be now, of course I'm fat. Obviously you're a thing. I. But if I.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a. You're a.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a fetish. A fetish. Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

But if I had a nice hog, I'd. I'd be nude all the time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, if I would have danced, I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Would have danced in the, in the plus size stripper community.

[Robert Kelly]

Like I could never do Naked roast battle. Scares the bejesus out of me.

[Stavros Halkias]

They get you really good, your dick goes inside. Oh, they nail you with a good one. Your dick retracts because you're.

[Robert Kelly]

They see your dick and they just take a notep. I'm out. I'm out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ah, Naked Rose Battle. What a. I mean, stand up comedy wasn't debasing enough as an art form. We're like, how are we gonna sell tickets?

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, over.

[Joe List]

Not Skank Fest though. Skank Fest. It's the biggest event. Like you cannot get in there.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't get in there because the people are too fat.

[Joe List]

It's like piled out like literally. We all tried to go last year, year and it was like me sag, none of us. Well, because we were backstage and part of it was my. My boy Tom Dustin had had a couple cocktails and we went backstage because we had been back there the year before and I think Tom was not like a creep or a pervert, but he was just up and I think he was just kind of like. They were like, you guys. No, he wasn't even looking at the women, he was just like, in a drunken.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, drunk guys can look like rapeyes. Yeah, yeah.

[Joe List]

They were like, you gotta get all these people out of.

[Robert Kelly]

Of here.

[Joe List]

And yeah, we couldn't even go to the. So we ended up watching like, I don't even know, some comic in front of four people. Like the whole festival empties. Because now most of the people at the festival have never seen a woman naked.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a big draw.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's never. It's never good dicks.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, I've never. I never.

[Robert Kelly]

I've been.

[Stavros Halkias]

I went to one naked rose, but when I first got here, just because everybody is more as like, I should meet people, whatever. And I was like, this is so big. Bizarre.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I watched a live sex show. You ever see a live sex show?

[Joe List]

No. I've had sex in the mirror where I kind of watched my wife look upset.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's tough to look at yourself like I did. Look at your stupid face.

[Joe List]

No, I like, because I don't look at me. I. I look at my wife and I pretend I'm watching her from another room. The way.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, interesting.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, that's not interesting. That's creepy. As you're watching you pretend you're in another room watching your wife give.

[Joe List]

Fuck.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's a voyeur. Yeah. Are you putting a fake dick over your dick so it's bigger too, or. No, the dick is fine.

[Joe List]

My dick is wonderful.

[Robert Kelly]

You've got a good dick. Got a good day.

[Joe List]

It's a little diseased, but I'll tell.

[Robert Kelly]

You, you know what?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm coming around, I think herpes. There's too much stigma on it.

[Joe List]

Thank you. You want it?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't want it.

[Joe List]

Currently, I could really.

[Robert Kelly]

Give us all herpes.

[Stavros Halkias]

The TCM pool, everybody, every old guy in there got fucking.

[Joe List]

It looks like this. It looks like this. Fucking turkey. It's all wet and spotty.

[Robert Kelly]

You have turkey skin?

[Joe List]

Cough.

[Stavros Halkias]

Have you ever.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I think if you don't. If you've never had something you did, you're not.

[Stavros Halkias]

I've never.

[Robert Kelly]

You never had warts?

[Stavros Halkias]

I've dodged many bullets. No.

[Robert Kelly]

You ever have crabs? No.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know. Yeah, I've got lucky. I don't know what to say.

[Joe List]

You like Mandami?

[Stavros Halkias]

I never had gonorrhea, so I like Mandani.

[Robert Kelly]

His diary. Diabetes killed the warts.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that is true. Is there. Can your blood sugar be too high to allow venereal diseases through?

[Robert Kelly]

No blood gets to your. Yeah, I had warts. Warts was the Worst I did.

[Joe List]

I. I thought warts was worse than herpes. I had to go to Planned Parenthood and they sizzled them up.

[Robert Kelly]

Crabs were fun.

[Stavros Halkias]

They were fun. You put them in an aquarium because they are crabs.

[Robert Kelly]

When you get the crab kit, it's a little. They give you a little magnifier glass and you can see these little.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can see.

[Robert Kelly]

It's almost like a little science thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, you can see.

[Robert Kelly]

And I started hop.

[Joe List]

Why can't you just squish them?

[Stavros Halkias]

You can't just. No, no, no, no.

[Robert Kelly]

They're very small. You gotta. You gotta. You gotta put the stuff in and then comb it through and leave it. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't just shave them.

[Robert Kelly]

No. You want to kill them.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean? I just read the directions. I did what they said.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I got. I got crabs. Both times I got crabs from redheads.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Joe List]

Cause a correlation.

[Stavros Halkias]

No. Yeah. Cause for sure. Cuz the. The crabs are red. They're attracted to red pubes.

[Joe List]

That makes sense.

[Stavros Halkias]

Even though crabs are blue until you steam them. That's why. From redheads. Huh? Look at that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that weird. Two redheads. That's why I'm not really a fan.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, that did it for you can.

[Robert Kelly]

See the blood going into their vagina on their inner thighs. That always freaked me out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Seeing the veins, the blue veins. Watching it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

This episode's making me horny.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like, oh, it's Thanksgiving. Anyway. When did you pay to get your dick sucked by an old lady? Ah, folks, the holidays are upon us. You know my favorite holiday tradition? Korean barbecue Thanksgiving. That's right. Me and my brothers have been doing it for almost eight years now. And I, we love it so much, we have pictures of it throughout the years. We even took my fat little baby nephew. He can't even eat solid food foods yet. But his eyes were watering. He could smell the smells. And next year he'll be gumming some bulgogi, I believe. You better believe that. And we have pictures of it all. And you know how we display it? That's right. With our beautiful aura frames. It's the kind of gift that you can have. You can have your holiday traditions. You can enjoy them every day. When you give the gift of an aura frame, you can preload photos before it arrives and then keep adding photos. Photos and videos straight from your phone anytime. You're constantly replenishing them. You're constantly remembering the best times with your pals and family. I love the aura frame. I have one. The carver Matte Black. I have one. My mom has one. My grandma. Every holiday season, a different member of my family gets one. And every single time, they love it. And yours will too. For a limited time, visit auraframes.com and get $45 off Aura's best selling Carver mat frames named number one by Wirecutter by using promo code STAVI at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code STAVI. This exclusive black Friday Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year, so order now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

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[Robert Kelly]

I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Guess we can go back to more wholesome topics like your perfect Thanksgiving spread. I'd love to talk fat for a while.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me say this.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm not a turkey guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Cheese should not be on the table.

[Joe List]

Oh, you would not do well in my house. Mac and cheese. That's by the way, going back to the cruise. That's what I ate.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. That makes.

[Joe List]

We hated the waiter, so we went to the buffet every day.

[Robert Kelly]

5 year old.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know. That is.

[Robert Kelly]

We're talking adult man. I like Mac.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you're. There are children at Thanksgiving.

[Robert Kelly]

Thanksgiving. Ready. Thanks. For the kids. Thanksgiving.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Turkey.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't like turkey. I would go rib roast. Dark.

[Robert Kelly]

Dark meat.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's an overrated bird.

[Robert Kelly]

Look, I'm not gonna argue that, but it's a tradition. Turkey.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm not bound potatoes. Robert.

[Robert Kelly]

I know you're not. I'm looking at your face. You're a different person every time I see you. Listen. Turkey.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Mashed potatoes. Potatoes. Not baked. Mashed.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, I'm with you.

[Robert Kelly]

Stuffing. Stuffing.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're gonna have turkey. You have stuff. I'm. Again, I'm not a turkey.

[Robert Kelly]

Stuffing cranberry sauce in the can. Not. I don't want you homemade Rachel Ray horseshit with actual cranberries. I want it the shape of a can.

[Stavros Halkias]

You want to remember. You want to remember growing up white trash.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to see lines in my fridge. I guess I would say green beans. Green beans. Maybe. Maybe a pea. Some type of Vegetable.

[Stavros Halkias]

You do need a vegetable. I don't know what it is.

[Robert Kelly]

Some squash. Squash, yeah. Like. No, no. What's the. Like the sweet potato. Okay, yes, I would say sweet potato.

[Stavros Halkias]

With the sweet potato casserole.

[Robert Kelly]

With the marshmallow on top of your burger.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't have that.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you out of your mind? Are you out of. You've been there.

[Stavros Halkias]

You have sweet potato casserole?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. We don't call it casserole. It's called sweet potato. Okay. And that's 10 gravy. Homemade with the turkey juice. Gotta make it. You can't buy it.

[Stavros Halkias]

You gotta make it so that you want it made. But the cranberry, you want bought.

[Robert Kelly]

Cranberry, I want bought. I want those lines.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And then. And then you gotta have some type of biscuit. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Some type of fully, fully on board biscuit.

[Robert Kelly]

And then. And then for dessert, I say whatever. But you have to have a pie.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to have a pumpkin. Pumpkin pie.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course. I'm with you there. I'm a traditionalist. Dessert wise, I'm a dessert conservative. I want pumpkin pie. I want sweet potato pie. Maybe a little dollop of vanilla a la mode.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, absolutely.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'll listen to any kind of pumpkin spin. You give me a pumpkin cheesecake, you give me a pumpkin babka, you give me like any kind of weird chocolate pumpkin mix. I'm all ears. But I want those fall, all autumnal flavors. And on Christmas, that's when you can open up dessert to literally anything.

[Robert Kelly]

Open it up.

[Stavros Halkias]

As far as I'm concerned, open up whatever you got. But I need some cinnamon. I need some nutmeg.

[Robert Kelly]

Last year you didn't send your cookies for Christmas.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, I did.

[Robert Kelly]

You sent them late.

[Stavros Halkias]

Everybody got us cookies.

[Joe List]

Come on. Oh, my God. I had them on here on the episode. It's the crunchiest, crappiest crap I ever heard.

[Robert Kelly]

Savage, you're talking to a five year old.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're right, you're right.

[Joe List]

I don't want crunchy.

[Robert Kelly]

Ah, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're not all crunchy, though. The white ones are crunchy.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Which you should like the powder on the powdery ones and then the. But the. The brown ones are incredible. The. The melo macarono. The ones that are in honey.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the metal Meccanos honey. Dude, you know what I had the other day? I had bread with cream cheese in it with honey drizzled over the top.

[Stavros Halkias]

That.

[Robert Kelly]

What the. That. That's when Donnie brings some of that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Arab, Greek, European is available right now in New York City.

[Joe List]

When he's president, it's all going to be Allah mode. Yeah. Watch out, ladies. He's back.

[Stavros Halkias]

Keep your head on a swivel, you whores.

[Joe List]

Cuomo's coming back.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that really just. We got a guy who tries to get. And then. Socialist.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's how you view it? Tries to get.

[Joe List]

What did he do? He spanked a girl in the bottom or something like that.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's just talking to. You know, he's sexually harassing his employees.

[Robert Kelly]

What is sexual harassing?

[Stavros Halkias]

I think. Yeah. Inappropriate touching, constantly talking about their bodies. You know, asking them.

[Robert Kelly]

Wasn't that a compliment? Back in, like, there we go.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can't even. A girl. She's beautiful.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me ask you questions.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please look up Cuomo's tr. You know, Let me ask you question.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me ask you a question.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, we had a certain way.

[Stavros Halkias]

We were.

[Robert Kelly]

Right. And then it changed very rapidly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Which, by the way, the way. Just to remind you, the way you were, was, you know, drinking. You were a nine year old having, like, corn whiskey in the train tracks. That's correct, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's not. There's no Norman Rockwell.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not 87.

[Stavros Halkias]

I didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

I had Seagram 7. They have this. I wasn't going in the woods and talking to Jeremiah coming home with a jug. You having corn mash.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is.

[Robert Kelly]

I wasn't stealing pies from window sills.

[Stavros Halkias]

But. But the idea that there's some mythical Norman Rockwell, America that's been taken from. From us. No one here experienced.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, I'm not saying that.

[Joe List]

90S, bro.

[Robert Kelly]

80 and 80s and 90s. The. Our culture was so different. Our movies were different. We were brought up in a different way. And it changed very rapidly to this new way that everybody's accepted. Everybody's like, yeah, it's a better way. Let's go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Everyone is not accepted.

[Robert Kelly]

What is the time?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know. If you've looked at the political climate recently, there's been kind of a. A violent backlash.

[Robert Kelly]

When I think. I think. No, no, no. We all accept it. Right, Joe?

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. I stand correct. I take it back.

[Robert Kelly]

Look, we speak.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyway. Yes, go ahead.

[Robert Kelly]

But I mean, what's the timeline of when he did this? If he did this? When he was talking about when Tony. What's his name?

[Stavros Halkias]

Andrew. Andrew.

[Robert Kelly]

When.

[Ad Read Voice]

Drew.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tony Cuomo.

[Joe List]

Andy Cuomo.

[Robert Kelly]

When Andrew did all his stupid.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, you're just. You're talking about not harassing people.

[Robert Kelly]

Has he not done it in 10 years? And did he do it.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, I thought it was pretty recent.

[Robert Kelly]

We kind of did it.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, I think.

[Joe List]

Was it like a.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was the classic whistle, which, by the way, the older I get, I understand. I. As a kid, I was like, why would anybody whistle at a woman?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And now as I am, I am reaching, like. Old creep.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's starting to sink in. Where you see a. I haven't done the full. But I. A girl who's walked by and into myself, been like, yeah.

[Joe List]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

How else are you gonna get him to turn around and look at your right?

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

If I could travel with the referee's whistle.

[Robert Kelly]

I. I mean, look back. I mean.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. That's more like it.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm glad I'm out of the game, though, because, I mean, it must. You like when you used to pick up girls back in the day, back in the 80s. Of course, you could just pull your dick out in a car. That was a move.

[Joe List]

Damn right.

[Robert Kelly]

And they'd be like, what are you doing? And be like, I'm just playing with my dick.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then they, you know, I mean, you can't. But I'm saying. Listen, let me finish. Let me finish.

[Stavros Halkias]

Car was a move.

[Robert Kelly]

That was a move.

[Joe List]

Absolutely.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a strong move.

[Robert Kelly]

Guaranteed move, by the way. I don't know about a guarantee, let me tell you. Confidence, that's like a flute to a cobra. But, I mean, now you can't.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can't pull your dick out of the car.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't not.

[Stavros Halkias]

Not if you're not certain about how it will be.

[Robert Kelly]

Movies are gonna suck. I think movies have been 20 years from now. Movies are gonna stink. It's gonna be a really polite boss. She's gonna. It's not even gonna be a man. It's gonna be a woman.

[Joe List]

A woman boss.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Boo.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's your dystopian future. It's a woman boss.

[Robert Kelly]

Get Gary in here now. I hope women take over and they turn into pigs like us.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

They're just bending young boy. Young, young interns over the table from behind that.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think everybody wins in that scenario. I think you would have loved to get milk as a young milked.

[Robert Kelly]

As a young intern milked right now in mind. Call me cow. Why do you think I got so fat?

[Stavros Halkias]

Draw utters on your own tits.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. I really did like that for a minute.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's what I'm saying.

[Robert Kelly]

Getting milk. Not the others on my kids.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's beautiful, Joe. What about you? You? You what? You do have a very basic palette. You do Just want turkey and Mac and cheese.

[Joe List]

Well, I don't really like turkey. Too dry.

[Stavros Halkias]

What meat are you having on Thanksgiving?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know.

[Joe List]

My family is up. We all. They make the turkey with the cranberry, like you're saying. And a Mac and cheese. Kraft deluxe Mac and cheese, blue box, baby.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like that. Nothing wrong wrong with that.

[Joe List]

And yeah, mashed potato gravy stuffing. But no one in my family likes it. They all eat like me or worse. Like you guys think I'm a bad eater. I'm the only one in my family that eats fish. Seriously. Like my family, like, they think I'm like Anthony Bourdain, literally my uncle Doug, he's like this guy, put anything in front of him. And so. And Sarah's been saying this for years because she's been coming for 15 years now. She's like, have pizza. Yeah, like just have pizza, hot dogs, pasta.

[Robert Kelly]

On Thanksgiving.

[Joe List]

Yes, because we eat the thing and.

[Robert Kelly]

Then an hour later we cornucopia with just pizza in it. Cookies.

[Stavros Halkias]

Absolutely. It's kind of good.

[Joe List]

Why do we feel this need to fake like, oh, turkey stuffing. Because I'm with you. Society says we're supposed to fake tradition.

[Robert Kelly]

I went to two weeks ago up in New Hampshire where my little tiny house is, they have a place called Hearts Turkey Turkey farm. You know Hearts, right?

[Joe List]

I don't know Hearts.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Thanksgiving dinner all year round.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, wow.

[Robert Kelly]

And you walk in and you get small, medium or large and you pick your thing and it's turkey. It's Thanksgiving dinner every fucking day. See, I love it.

[Stavros Halkias]

See, so that's the thing, that's my take on Thanksgiving is that like that was never a. When when this was started as a holiday day. That would have never been possible because everyone's broke as. And the one. It's the one ye. One day a year you can guarantee you'll get turkey potato. It's the one day you get more than one side in like the 20s or whatever. And I think like, you know, it's like you get all the fixings and shit. No one's eating like that now. Meanwhile, we can have, you can have a Thanksgiving dinner any day you want at this farm.

[Robert Kelly]

I did.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or we're ordering food from nations they hadn't even heard about.

[Joe List]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

When Thanksgiving start, it's like, it's a. It's an old fashioned holiday. We've. We're past it. You should be able to get whatever the you want because the spirit is big feast with your family and friends, your Family. Yeah, your family should get pizza. And.

[Joe List]

And we give thanks.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you give thanks, Mandani. There you go, Mandani.

[Joe List]

I think I'm getting X ray with this. I just realized I put my. Like a dental X ray.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what's funny is that these holidays that we do celebrate are all. They're kind of made up. Yeah. Christmas was made up from Coke for sure. Coca Cola.

[Stavros Halkias]

Santa Claus is a. I think the one we think about is a Santa Claus.

[Robert Kelly]

Coca Cola wanted to sell Coke in. In. In the winter, they only sold Coke really. In the summer. Spring, fall.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like this.

[Robert Kelly]

And in the winter, nobody. Nobody bought because it's, you know, it's refreshing. Summer, it cools you down. So they came up with this. This Santa Claus thing that would.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I think that's actually right.

[Joe List]

Kris Kringle and St. Nick, it's all.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's all.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think the Santa we think about, especially the red, red Santa. Coca Cola.

[Robert Kelly]

Coca Cola did it so they could sell Coke in. In the winter. Winter season.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like this. I like conspiratorial body.

[Joe List]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

You're turning into him.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I was his shape too. I'll be back. It's some point.

[Stavros Halkias]

Capitalism does it all for you.

[Joe List]

Israel killed Kennedy. Let's keep going with this.

[Robert Kelly]

Charlie. Kirk, what do you got?

[Stavros Halkias]

Hey, what did he try and do before he was assassinated? Make APAC register as a foreign agent? H. Interesting coincidence.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody knows what you're talking about. Let's get back to Turkey. Again, you're dressed like a turkey. Stop.

[Joe List]

What's a pack. A pack of cigarettes?

[Robert Kelly]

No, but these holiday look. Of course I love. But it is. You know what I think they give.

[Stavros Halkias]

Us to anything on the. On the Santa stuff, by the way. It's basically that the idea of Santa Claus existed before 1931, but campaign from Coca Cola really pops the iconic Santa that we think of with the red suit and everything.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Now I gotta buy my son a electric dirt bike. That's $3,000.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

These losers wanted us to drink more Coke.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, I'm with you. But. But at the same time, it is nice to just. It is all bullshit. And even Christmas, it's like, you know, every major holiday, there's like an equinox or some shit or in like that around December a gym. You know, the vernal equinox or whatever the.

[Robert Kelly]

We know what you're talking about.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that my camera?

[Joe List]

I have an Equinox membership.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do you. Do you like it?

[Robert Kelly]

You know What. You know what I think, though? That this.

[Stavros Halkias]

What I'm saying is all.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, why they're good?

[Stavros Halkias]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

These whatever holidays we have, it's goals to get to, because we're all working all the time. And you're like, if I can just get to Thanksgiving, I have that day with everybody. Yeah. And then I got to get to Christmas. And then with your Catholic at the Easter, it is nice. And then you get to the summer, it's, you know, you have these little goals that you get to. And you get to spend time with your family.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. That's why we do a thing. I mean, me and my. Me and my family, we. We were doing Korean barbecue Thanksgiving because we basically were like, we don't like turkey.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me just tell you something right now. I'd switch to Korean barbecue. Come in, dude. If you get a couple Asians to come over and cook that and snap it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I did it myself when it was the pandemic. But we go out, we go to a Korean barbecue restaurant. That's nice, too. Now, the thing that sucks. No leftovers there. If you go out not with leftovers.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, regular people, they'd be playing. Plenty of leftovers.

[Joe List]

Yeah. Why can't you take leftovers?

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't take leftovers from Korean barbecue.

[Robert Kelly]

What? I have.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, you haven't.

[Robert Kelly]

I have now.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're lying to my face.

[Robert Kelly]

I swear to God, I have.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I got a baby stomach now, but I still order like we used to order. So it's like, yeah, let me get everything on the menu.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then they bring out all that other shit. Remember fish cakes?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God damn it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, you mean the. The seafood pancake?

[Robert Kelly]

No, what do you mean? The little fish cake. The little.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, but the seafood pancake's great.

[Robert Kelly]

Seafood pancake's great, too. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, That'll. That's getting me whistling, too.

[Robert Kelly]

The thing about the barbecue, the Korean barbecue, if it's good, it smells, the place stinks.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think that's great.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's a good thing. When you walk in, you're like, oh, this is really. This is Asian people stuff.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe would hate it.

[Joe List]

Joe, I like Korean barbecue.

[Stavros Halkias]

You do?

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What is it?

[Joe List]

Yeah, it's like sticky sauce, chicken.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we'll accept that.

[Joe List]

I mean, yeah, Korean barbecue, it's like, sweet. It's like a sweeter barbecue.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can have that. You can. There's certain. There's different.

[Joe List]

What else is there?

[Stavros Halkias]

There's more garlicky. There's more vinegary. Preparation. Spicy. Spicy Pork belly.

[Robert Kelly]

Must be something that's a little controversial right now.

[Stavros Halkias]

Please.

[Joe List]

You don't like Koreans?

[Robert Kelly]

That too.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like Koreans.

[Robert Kelly]

I love Koreans. I love Koreans. I would never date one. No, I'm kidding.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're a married man.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not. I'm. I'm kind of over barbecue.

[Stavros Halkias]

The concept of barbecue, like, Texas barbecue.

[Robert Kelly]

This is barbecue. It's like. I used to.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like this. Go on.

[Robert Kelly]

I used to love it, but now the last three times, I went, oh, let's get barbecue. It's like, I feel too expensive. First of all, it's crazy expensive.

[Stavros Halkias]

One rib is, like, $80.

[Joe List]

I just went, what is it? Frank Blacks? No, that's the guy from.

[Robert Kelly]

Terry Black.

[Joe List]

Terry Black.

[Robert Kelly]

Frank Black is on your podcast. Nothing. I. It was nothing. I mean, we're gonna have. You're gonna have a couple. I mean, we've been knocking him out of the. It's like a homebrew derby on this podcast.

[Joe List]

Know what you were going for?

[Stavros Halkias]

Frank Black. I thought it was just a guy. I don't know.

[Joe List]

Frank Black is the.

[Robert Kelly]

I just tried to do a Black joke.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Frank Black is from the Pixies.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Terry Blacks. Terry Black.

[Joe List]

Terry Blacks. And it was like. I couldn't believe it. It was, like $400 for insane, dude. It was, like, unbelievable and way too overpriced. Barbecue. Also, you feel like. Out of your brisket. A greasy brisket's delicious, but I want to throw up.

[Robert Kelly]

You feel like garbage. As soon as you're done, you're salty, and you just, like.

[Stavros Halkias]

And the sides are never to the level of the meat.

[Robert Kelly]

Never.

[Stavros Halkias]

The sides are always kind of dog. Yeah, I'm with you. I think this is a great culinary take. Barbecue. Overrated. It's over for barbecue.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they. They. They. They made it. Too many people started doing it. Yeah. Back in the day, I used to go to Houston, and there was this place. It was, like, been there for 60 years.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And it was like. Just like a cafeteria. You went in.

[Stavros Halkias]

You got a.

[Robert Kelly]

There was just these people in the back. You know, I went to the. The barbecue church in Houston. It's a hut next to a church. Three black lady and a black dude in overalls. I remember she. She goes, you want bread? She had. She had white bread. She want bread and pickles. I said, yeah. She grabbed the pickle out of her, stuck her fist in a pickle with. So With. And just grabbed the pickle dripping, and then grabbed my bread. Her fingerprints were in my bread. I was Gonna throw up. And then I ate it. I was like, this is the best.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

But now it's too much, and it's.

[Stavros Halkias]

All just way too expensive. And. And you. It is the meal that makes you feel the absolute worst. Worst, because it's sugar plus fat, plus, like, red meat and salt and just like.

[Robert Kelly]

I take a Chinese rib over a.

[Stavros Halkias]

Barbecue rib sleep, please. Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

I take a Chinese.

[Stavros Halkias]

I've.

[Robert Kelly]

Chinese rib.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think Asians are.

[Robert Kelly]

Are working Chinese rib.

[Stavros Halkias]

Stop.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sorry, Joe. Hang on one second. They don't make Japanese ribs. No, no.

[Stavros Halkias]

Doesn't change the noise. Is the same. Doesn't even go deeper. The traditional Japanese.

[Robert Kelly]

I would take a Chinese food rib over a barbecue rib any day.

[Stavros Halkias]

I agree. And I also think Chinese or Asian soups and general. Completely superior to the American soup.

[Joe List]

Soup Erier.

[Stavros Halkias]

Very.

[Robert Kelly]

Chicken noodle. We got chicken noodle, chicken rice.

[Joe List]

We have chicken noodle, chicken rice, chicken orzo.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, you can see it sucks by how excited Joe is.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I know. Exactly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Joe loves the food. Means it sucks.

[Robert Kelly]

He wants a toy with a soup.

[Joe List]

Carrot ginger soup.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. Yeah, that's kind of.

[Robert Kelly]

I've come around on me. Miso soup.

[Stavros Halkias]

Miso's great.

[Robert Kelly]

I love a miso soup place.

[Stavros Halkias]

That does, like a. Not from the. That does it. Not from the packet. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Fuzz the best. So good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ramen. Joe's. Joe's jacket.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, I take that back. Ramen. Ramen. Ramen is probably top five foods.

[Stavros Halkias]

I agree with you.

[Robert Kelly]

Top five foods.

[Joe List]

That's Jamaican, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Ran.

[Joe List]

Ramen soup.

[Robert Kelly]

Remember we got ramen in Philly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that was good.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was great.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what Best part about it is that you were in your. We were both in our own little booth.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love when they do that.

[Robert Kelly]

The little booth. And just hearing you go.

[Joe List]

What about when we were all in Cleveland? And I was like, you guys got to have mama. Santa's best Italian in the world. And you're like, all right, we'll come meet you. And then you guys went to, like, time.

[Stavros Halkias]

We got fun immediately before.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's the best font in the country.

[Stavros Halkias]

Superior. It's called Superior.

[Robert Kelly]

Superior Fo. But there's. It's. It's crazy because there's a FA Place on the corner. The lights and all my. No, you gotta go around the back.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of another building into a weird mall.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Not far from there. Thank you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Very nice. Very nice. Great. Bon me combo.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, we did bon me. And then we went.

[Joe List]

And then we went to Pizza.

[Stavros Halkias]

Joe was so pissed. He Was like.

[Joe List]

Was bummed.

[Stavros Halkias]

You guys. You guys can't even taste the butter noodles and plain cheese pizza.

[Joe List]

It's that you. Enough. I'll be like the funny. Oh, yeah. Mama Santa has been family owned for 90 years. They make the funny.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bobby didn't have a full meal right after.

[Joe List]

Oh, yeah. Nothing worse than Italian food. I'm a basic food from Italy. Sucks.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, we have what you order.

[Joe List]

Whatever you want. What's the other one that's worse? Communists.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Worse.

[Joe List]

We think so.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love this is it, Bob. Good. We're going to secretly turn you into like a leftist by accident. Just by promising you sex workers.

[Ad Read Voice]

Democrat.

[Robert Kelly]

Registered. Baby.

[Stavros Halkias]

Now we're talking.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just.

[Stavros Halkias]

You feel it? Swinging back.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm old.

[Stavros Halkias]

Swinging back. So now you're a registered Democrat.

[Robert Kelly]

Do it.

[Joe List]

We did everything.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love it.

[Joe List]

We did the best.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Women are the strongest.

[Stavros Halkias]

Say they're the best. I didn't say. I didn't say they're the strongest.

[Joe List]

More genders, more genders.

[Robert Kelly]

More genders.

[Joe List]

More genders.

[Robert Kelly]

He, them, she, they, it be you.

[Stavros Halkias]

That sounds good to me. I don't have a problem with more of them. I don't give a. We had that meal and it was good, though.

[Joe List]

Yeah. Mama said just rules.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was very good.

[Robert Kelly]

It was good. But look it, man. That's a funny thing too, is that all these Italians like Italian food. First of all, it's Mexican. Mexican food. Not one in the kitchen, right?

[Joe List]

No, but that's the thing about mama Santas.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

They hate Mexican.

[Robert Kelly]

That is true. That is true.

[Joe List]

This is. It is authentic white.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, is it about. I think it's about time to take some calls here.

[Joe List]

We've been here for a day and a half. I have a child, for God's sakes.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry.

[Joe List]

I see my son.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's so fun to talk to you guys. What do we got elders on Thanksgiving? Who can we help with this one? Wisdom.

[Caller Eldis]

Hey, Savi. Hey, Eldis. I'm Colin. Actually left a message before, but I was a bit out of breath, so I figured let me definitely.

[Robert Kelly]

You a fan?

[Caller Eldis]

Just leave it again a little bit more coherent voicemail. Colin, this girl. Things are going pretty well. And the one thing is, is she's an immigrant from India, which, you know, obviously I don't have any issue with.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bobby's warming up.

[Caller Eldis]

I invited her to Thanksgiving. She hasn't celebrated it before. Figure would be a good way to meet my family since it seems like things are going pretty well and will be, you know, something a bit more Long term. The only problem is from a very racist MAGA cop family.

[Joe List]

And hell yeah, we have one hiccup. All the ice posters, They pat her.

[Robert Kelly]

Down for paprika at the door. We got no spices at this meal.

[Joe List]

My father has a swastika tattoo on the back of his neck.

[Stavros Halkias]

Keep going, elders.

[Caller Eldis]

And I have a brother who's gay and another brother who's severely disabled.

[Stavros Halkias]

So.

[Caller Eldis]

You know, I have a bit of leverage as far as the type of woman I bring home. But I've for context, never introduced any girls to my family because I'm frankly embarrassed a bit by them. And yeah, I'm a bit nervous about it also, I know Thanksgiving sounds like a big deal, but it's a 30 minute drive away from where I live now. And you know, it's just my immediate family. The rest of my family also sucks. So we don't see them for holidays. So it would just be like my parents and my siblings. So please, you know, please guys up doing that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Please don't tell her any of this. Just let her show up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Does he have anything?

[Caller Eldis]

I try to weasel my way out of it. Should I just kind of let it rip, hope for the best? She, you know, is worried about it herself. Yeah, I did let her know what kind of I have. But you know, they've also been like, go. They act like they don't care, but like, I don't know, Italian mom, cop, father.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like they hilarious.

[Robert Kelly]

Sounds fantastic to me.

[Caller Eldis]

Yeah. Let me know what you would do in this situation. How I should at least prepare myself if I. I do go through it and all. All that jazz. Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's good. You got a mom and a dad still together. You have a hard life.

[Joe List]

Well, first of all, it's cool.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to picture my dad on Facebook.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Which smiling with his other family.

[Stavros Halkias]

Which one of the ones that abandoned you.

[Robert Kelly]

The og.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, nice. Hell yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Having a blast.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's crazy. That one's really barely. That's the most and the least.

[Robert Kelly]

Your dad at the same time worried about his. His dad calling her the wrong Indian.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bob's like, I wish I had a racist dad that I would have to hide how much gay I think about from.

[Robert Kelly]

I do. I just don't see them. I just would like to see him.

[Joe List]

Well, it's cool to have an Italian and an Indian, cuz that's what Thanksgiving, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

It's kind of a throwback. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pilgrim straight from Sanado.

[Robert Kelly]

Ah, yeah.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Put a headpiece on us guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

I. I Sprung for an Indian reenactor. Thanksgiving reenactor.

[Joe List]

Make a pain.

[Stavros Halkias]

Go with it.

[Joe List]

Just go with it.

[Ad Read Voice]

It.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Give her a bow and arrow and.

[Robert Kelly]

A pumpkin in the fucking living room.

[Stavros Halkias]

I do think, even though people are like, oh, it's not a big deal. Just my holidays just have a little extra, like, gravity to them in terms of meeting a family for the first time.

[Robert Kelly]

But I think it's the day. You want to do this.

[Stavros Halkias]

You want to get it out of the way.

[Robert Kelly]

No, because they're in that. When people are at the holidays, they're in a more, I don't know, know. Giving, loving. Hey, we haven't seen, like, they're in that mode of.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think they can go either way. I think they can be in that mode or they can be in that weird. Stressed, like. I don't know. I've had. So. I'm sure you've had some bad Thanksgivings. You haven't had stressful Thanksgivings with your family. No.

[Robert Kelly]

Hall. Irish Catholic holidays. We all fake you. Oh, I know.

[Stavros Halkias]

I see. That's a good point. Some people fake it, some families fake it.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a good point. Like, Italian. This guy's Italian. They're going to fake it. To have the money moment. You know what I mean? To have the holly. No matter what, you know, no matter, you know, what's happened during the year, you have that Christmas or that Thanksgiving. It's like, hey, it's Thanksgiving. Let's just.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we'll call her racist stuff when she leaves.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, as soon as she leaves.

[Joe List]

She's India. She's not Afghani or Pakistani or Saudi.

[Robert Kelly]

Keep going, Keep going.

[Stavros Halkias]

You think these people have a nuanced hierarchy of brown people?

[Joe List]

I think they do.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

I think they do.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

I think they do.

[Stavros Halkias]

You think India. Indians at the top.

[Joe List]

Yeah, I think India. India is like an ally.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Joe List]

They're all right. Political. Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Seriously.

[Joe List]

I'm being serious. These people are like. These people are like India. What? The Pakistani, Afghani. They're like the war.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, I see. I see B.

[Joe List]

You say India, I guarantee he's gonna.

[Robert Kelly]

Be like, hey, I had tax issues last year.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, Right.

[Robert Kelly]

You only think about more.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or medical stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Medical engineers, hearing.

[Joe List]

I mean, serious. These bigots, they think India. They think doctor and Buddha.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you're saying it's a. It's a. It's a. A better minority to bring.

[Joe List]

I think it's like, one of the better. Yeah, one of the better ones.

[Stavros Halkias]

Better by Asian.

[Joe List]

I think if she was like, this is my girlfriend. She's Iraqi then shooter.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

India. They'll be like this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, wow.

[Joe List]

How. Or whatever. You know what I mean? I'm being dead serious.

[Caller Eldis]

You are.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's awesome.

[Joe List]

You know, I'm not saying me.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know you're.

[Joe List]

I'm saying these people.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's something to it.

[Robert Kelly]

He has no problem. He's fine. His brother's got a problem.

[Stavros Halkias]

The gay one.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

When he brings home and Gary one.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. You.

[Robert Kelly]

I'd like you to meet Tyrone.

[Stavros Halkias]

Here's what you do.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You hire a really gay black guy to come and pretend he's your brother's secret boyfriend. Yeah. And he's like, open the door. You know what I mean? He's like wearing nails and like, why.

[Robert Kelly]

Do black people act like that? Can't they just act normal? No, no.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's hiring an actor and it's going to be his greatest challenge ever. As we all know. Black people are the best. As we all believe. We've all said it.

[Joe List]

They're all the best. Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you.

[Joe List]

Great basketball.

[Robert Kelly]

Black lives matter more.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, I didn't say more.

[Robert Kelly]

No. That's what you told me. They matter more.

[Stavros Halkias]

I just say. Am I getting it wrong?

[Robert Kelly]

Am I getting it wrong?

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyway, I think hiring a gay black dude to really go over the top.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That's going to be the. You know how.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then your Indian girlfriend slides right in.

[Robert Kelly]

Italian guy. Italian dad's going to be like, all right, well, at least he isn't that gay guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, she's Indian.

[Robert Kelly]

That's fine. I'll take the Indian.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

I also think that they're never as bad as you think. You're prefacing it. You're saying, my parents, they're very conservative. They might. The worst case scenario, it sounds to me, this guy seems like a normal guy. They might say something a little insensitive or they'll say, what's your nationality? What they mean, Whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it hot enough for you?

[Joe List]

Yeah. They're not going to be like, get out of here, brownie.

[Robert Kelly]

They just pass Tabasco on the table in front of her.

[Joe List]

You leave your backpack outside? You know, I think it'll be.

[Robert Kelly]

Honey, you can. You don't have to use the fork.

[Stavros Halkias]

We want you to feel at home.

[Robert Kelly]

Use your hand. You want to use your hand. We're all going to use hands.

[Joe List]

I think. I think you're okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

I. I mean, that's a good. That's a. That's a charitable read.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He should just do it and don't think about you overthinking your parents.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you know what? Everyone has this, this like it's a stressful thing for anyone, no matter what, to meet your significant other, meeting your parents. So yeah, you know what's going to be worse? What's that?

[Robert Kelly]

When he goes to her parents house. Indian parents.

[Joe List]

What the fuck is this, man?

[Robert Kelly]

Indian parents are more racist than Italian.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know about that.

[Robert Kelly]

But you don't think they want her with some fucking smart Indian dude? I think they have arranged marriages.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think it goes. I mean, we don't know how Indian.

[Robert Kelly]

Her family buddies, they arrange them, it's arranged. When they go against the arrangement, it's bad.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I want to remind everyone this is Thanksgiving. We are recreating Thanksgiving where you talk to your relatives and no one does any research. I do think it's possible that immigrants do not want their kid to be. That is actually a possibility where it's like immigrants don't oftentimes want their, their kid ending up with somebody different. But I will say the same way you're saying racists have a brown hierarchy. Immigrants have a hierarchy of who they're okay with their kids ending up with. And sometimes white guy gets to sneak by.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, especially if you're not a fat guinea.

[Stavros Halkias]

We didn't know. We don't know these fat.

[Robert Kelly]

He's out of breath on the fucking voicemail.

[Stavros Halkias]

He might have been nervous talking to eldest.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what? That's a fair point. I'm nervous every time I do this podcast and fucking he opens up the door. Hello. I'm expecting a hand to come out.

[Joe List]

But last thing I think any, no matter who you bring over, it's nerve wracking. My wife is, you know, from South Africa. Her parents are British or her mother's British. I have to tell my family, don't start talking back to her in a British accent, whatever you do. Because people are, they go like, oh, hello. That's everyone's instinct is to start talking back in an accent.

[Robert Kelly]

You only do Chinese.

[Joe List]

Holy.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Joe the List family, that's their specialty.

[Joe List]

Yeah. So you're always going to be nervous.

[Stavros Halkias]

Whatever brought a non white partner home to the List family.

[Joe List]

Yeah, no, my cousin. Yeah, my cousin's married to a black woman.

[Stavros Halkias]

There we go.

[Joe List]

And yeah, it's just everyone. My family is. Yeah, my family is.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is like, well, any more racist than the average.

[Robert Kelly]

My family.

[Joe List]

My family has no bigotry whatsoever.

[Robert Kelly]

More like you.

[Joe List]

I'm serious. My.

[Robert Kelly]

My family's more like whatsoever.

[Joe List]

Well, maybe I Mean, they're not like, oh yeah, they're like, they're cool.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love.

[Joe List]

No, yeah. There's no, like my parents, no one in my family is saying racial slurs at any point, ever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, they're very welcoming. I, I, we had a great time. We did have literally Domino's Pizza. I had the full list experience and.

[Joe List]

Tim Dylan was there if there was a time for them. Rigoted. It's a 400 pound gay man eating with his mouth open who never stopped talking at breakfast. He's like this eggs like a machine gun. And they're like, oh, this is great. And now I'm like, that guy's a billionaire. And they're like, what? I like his politics. He's good. I like, he has Stephen Miller on and Alex Jones. I think it's fantastic.

[Stavros Halkias]

Stephen Miller, for real?

[Joe List]

I don't think so.

[Stavros Halkias]

Jesus Christ. November. Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. Keep going. What else we got? Eldis.

[Joe List]

Sorry.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, it's fine. We answered the question.

[Caller F]

Hey, Stabby, gonna try to make this one quick for you, please. I'm a child in my mid-30s, married, a couple kids, have a group of friends we've been friends with for a while here. Essentially, you know, all the wives set up all the play dates and stuff like that and life's good, everyone's happy. But recently, one of our oldest buddies in the friend group, you know, his wife has not been communicating with him and responding to the messages when we're setting up to get together, hang out and stuff like that. And so they just won't show up randomly. And it's kind of awkward because we're like, should we text our buddy and let him know we're all getting together even though his wife's on these group texts and not responding because there's been a couple times where we've seen him like a couple days later just out and we're like, oh, we missed you guys. And he goes, what are you talking about?

[Joe List]

Didn't even know about it.

[Stavros Halkias]

His wife's freezing them out.

[Caller F]

Does his wife just not want to hang out with our wives? Because, I mean, this guy's been our buddy for a while, but we also don't really want to put our wives in our awkward position where. Right, clearly his wife has some unknown beef potentially. I don't know, not a huge deal, but just kind of awkward, I guess, because, I mean, we still want to hang out with him. He's our buddy, you know, we hang out with him, you know, when it's the guys and stuff. But.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Caller F]

Obviously, when our wife.

[Robert Kelly]

Thanks for keeping it short.

[Joe List]

Still the same thing.

[Caller F]

Just curious your thoughts on that.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like talking to my wife.

[Caller F]

Love the show. Love you guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, we get it. So this guy's basically like. His wife has the power of got a little high. Is that all right with you?

[Joe List]

We got to bleep my voices, but we can have that kitty in there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, we can. The human form is.

[Robert Kelly]

That definitely is a human form.

[Stavros Halkias]

The human form. The human form is beautiful.

[Robert Kelly]

Never seen that on a chart.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's.

[Joe List]

Those are nice. Nice tits.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you. Dude. See, you've changed your teeth quickly.

[Joe List]

I would lick that tick sweat.

[Robert Kelly]

For the rest of the podcast. These calls. Let's just suck this for the next 15 minutes. You gotta look at this guy. Here's the thing with this guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

He knows the wife. You think that you're married.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Your wife. They don't wanna. He. He. I'm telling you right now.

[Stavros Halkias]

I could see him being kind of.

[Robert Kelly]

She knows that he's going to find out that they got together. They don't want to get together with you. His wife doesn't want to do it.

[Stavros Halkias]

His wife.

[Robert Kelly]

I think. I think it's very.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think a lot of husbands fall into the, like, I just go wherever my wife tells me, like, social cuck mode thing. So I think it's very possible his buddy is in that he's kind of an oblivious guy, does whatever his wife tells him. And his wife is trying to sneakily put a little distance. Distance. She's kind of being passive aggressive.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no way. She's not going. They text us. And I don't want to go. I told you, I don't like. Blah, blah, blah, and. All right, well, all right, then. All right, fine, we won't go. And then he's playing. Look, I'm just not gonna answer. Okay, fine. And he's gonna play. Oh, dude, I didn't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

I say I think that's very possible, but the only way to, like, deal with this is to act in good faith as if it's a. If this is a misunderstanding or somebody forgot, and then you're just like, hey, oh, we missed you. I'll just shoot you a text. We've been friends forever. And then if he ignores you, too.

[Robert Kelly]

You get the message that life's too short. Cut him out.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like his best friend.

[Robert Kelly]

You say, cut him out. Cut him out. You got. How. I mean, you got a certain amount of summers left Buddy, cut him out.

[Joe List]

Cut it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Enjoy the ones that want to.

[Stavros Halkias]

But he wants to hang out with him.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He doesn't want to hang out with you.

[Stavros Halkias]

He might. His wife might not.

[Robert Kelly]

Nah. If you're your wife, if you. There's no way he knows best thing you do.

[Joe List]

Wife swap.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wife swap? His wife.

[Robert Kelly]

No, not with them. Not. Not taught right. Wife swap with the ones you hang out with.

[Stavros Halkias]

But it might be fun to the one who hates you. That could be a little.

[Joe List]

That's what I do every night. That's.

[Robert Kelly]

That's what we all do. Joe. Last time I saw don't face just happy and willing. I was eating her. She looked like it was. She was waiting for a bus.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, man. So I don't know. I would say just give him a chance. Hit him up and then if he continues to not show up, then you've gotten your. Your hint and you can cut them off.

[Robert Kelly]

He not on the text thread. Yeah.

[Joe List]

I don't get it. Really?

[Robert Kelly]

That's stupid.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think the wives just put it together. This is a traditional America. You want your wife is your social secretary. She tells you what to. You know, I don't need a manager. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like. I think this is a classic setup that a lot of couples fall into where it's like the wife kind of picks and chooses, you know, where you go, who you hang out with. Unless it's boy, you know, your own thing. Thing. Like when it's couples, I feel like a lot of times by default women fall into that.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, who the wants to go out? Couple night sucks. It should be guy night and girl night.

[Joe List]

Yeah, I love cuckold night.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why I bet that cruise was just an old cuckle cruise sitting in.

[Stavros Halkias]

An ergonomic chair watching your wife get, um. Yeah, whatever. Look, fuck you either go. Either go extreme with. With Bobby and cut them out or give him one more shot through back channels. Through dude to dude back channels. But yeah, that's your choice, man. Who gives a fuck?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, you can't. It's weird to get couples to like each other. You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I think guys too are more. I'll hang out. I don't. That guy's all right. But I'll hang out. Women very like her. You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Sure. I think. I think there can definitely be. I think rivalries can pop up amongst like, friends of the significant others of friends. That happens all the time. People don't like each Other. I think it happens with dudes. I think probably there's more dudes who just like don't give a fuck and will roll with it. But I think plenty of guy, like, there's guys I wouldn't want to hang out with that I would be fucking shitty about having to hang out with. Well, I'm just like, if let's name names. I mean, I haven't been in a relationship in years, but it's like, you know, I wouldn't like to get stuck with somebody's boyfriend who sucks. You know what I mean? I would make a. I would make a stink about it in the way that you're saying is feminine behavior. Robert.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you would be the feminine person in this relationship. You would be my wife.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's true. Actually. I do need a woman that goes with the flow. I need to be the little drama king. What else we got?

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[Stavros Halkias]

This guy who cares? Hi Savi.

[Caller G]

Hi LD Hi guest. Thanks for coming up to Hampton a few months ago and you guys were great. And so was that maniac J.P. i'm calling today because I have an issue with taking on other people's accents once I talk to them.

[Robert Kelly]

What are you, Madonna?

[Joe List]

I was just talking about this.

[Stavros Halkias]

I.

[Joe List]

That's unbelievable.

[Stavros Halkias]

Good producing El eldest. Wow.

[Caller G]

I talk to them. I grew up in New Hampshire surrounded.

[Stavros Halkias]

By people who talk like me.

[Caller G]

I grew up in New Hampshire surrounded by people who talk like me. And now that I'm getting out there in the world, I find that if I'm having a fun conversation with someone, if I'm getting along with them, I will immediately Start taking on their accent. It's happened with people who have thick city accents, people with thick Southern accents.

[Robert Kelly]

God damn it.

[Caller G]

The worst of it is, when I'm hanging out with black people, I immediately start talking, saying the N word, and it's so cringy. I can feel myself doing it. Every time I'm cringing, they're cringing. But I don't know what makes me do it, and I can't stop it.

[Stavros Halkias]

So if you have any advice or.

[Caller G]

Anything you went through to kick me in the ass and make me stop doing this, please help me out. Savvy.

[Robert Kelly]

This is crazy. No, it's not.

[Stavros Halkias]

I live in New Hampshire.

[Joe List]

Well, there's certainly no shortage of white guys talking like black people.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is true.

[Robert Kelly]

You talking about annual Schultz podcasters.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tail as old as time. The white boy that you know, I did it. I've done this.

[Robert Kelly]

I. My dawn has called me out on this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

Cuz if I'm. If I'm at it, like, you know, it's usually when I. For some reason, when I pump gas.

[Joe List]

And I am pumping the gas.

[Robert Kelly]

I did it. I did it on our. The day after we got married in Maui.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

We're in Maui. And she wanted to go to the. You ever see 50 First Dates?

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Remember the restaurant? She's like, I want to find a place like that. I'm like, it doesn't exist. Yeah. Fucking moron.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, it's a movie.

[Robert Kelly]

We drove around for three hours looking for a breakfast place that doesn't exist. And we had to stop for gas. And I was. I saw a Hawaiian looking dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

And I walked up to him and I was asking him, hey, is there any breakfast? Blah, blah, blah. And then when I was leaving, I went, all right, thanks, brother. And I. I literally did.

[Stavros Halkias]

I did this, brother.

[Robert Kelly]

And I got in the car and she was just sitting like this. What's wrong with you? She goes, did you just give the hang loose sign and call him brother? I was like, did I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Did you pick up any Hawaiian when you were over there? Did you. Did you pick up the island styles? No. This isn't a problem for you. You have every distinctive way of saying speaking. Or is it.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know.

[Joe List]

I feel like I have done this before.

[Stavros Halkias]

Talking to black people. One Here, here, there.

[Robert Kelly]

Do it all the time.

[Joe List]

I don't like it. But, you know, it does just come out.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. I. When I see a black dude at the. It happens. At gas stations. I don't know why. Like, what's up, bro? How you doing? She's like, stop acting. Stop assimilating.

[Joe List]

What the. What the.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't do that, Joe, do you?

[Joe List]

Can't. What? I was supposed to use an example. Example. Oh, I've done this in like Europe where I'll talk. Or South America. When I've been to South America, they struggle to come up with words in English and I'll talk back like I'm struggling to come up with words.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Where I'll be like, I'm looking for the bus. And I'm like, why am I talking? Like this is my second language.

[Robert Kelly]

Right, right, right.

[Joe List]

Because that's how other people are talking.

[Robert Kelly]

I've done that in South America too. I did it, but I did it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I. I was talking. It's like you're like 78 year old jerky. Jerky.

[Joe List]

No, I mean when I go home, I mean. But I had a Boston accent that I've shed. So when I go home it starts coming out a lot more immediately. Or if I see someone from Boston, but that's my own accent comes back.

[Stavros Halkias]

That happens a lot to people where they go back home and it comes out a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you do assimilate when you're.

[Stavros Halkias]

Around people and it is a natural, human like mirroring instinct. I mean, that's why people do it, is because you're like, you're. If you're enjoying a conversation, you almost. It's like a subconscious way to be like, yeah, we're like the same, you know, whatever. But it is incredibly embarrassing.

[Robert Kelly]

Black people, the way they talk is funny. That's a awesome. Yo, what's up, man? How you doing? What's going on with you?

[Stavros Halkias]

It is fun.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's the funnest. Yeah.

[Joe List]

What are you talking about?

[Robert Kelly]

Buy your titties out. You making me horny.

[Joe List]

Why can't. Why. Why are we bleeping?

[Robert Kelly]

Goddamn slacki.

[Joe List]

If you bleep. No, you can't bleep. It's going to make it sound like I said the nw. You got to leave it in.

[Stavros Halkias]

We'll put a disclaimer. Joe is not saying the N word.

[Joe List]

That's. It'll literally sound like I'm saying the nword.

[Robert Kelly]

This show stinks. You can't even be black.

[Joe List]

Yeah, don't. Don't bleep that. That's crazy. They'll 100% think I just said it.

[Robert Kelly]

You got to bleep it like beepeep.

[Joe List]

So with the Rolling Stones, they Had satisfaction. They. The line was, I'm trying to make some girl. And they bleeped it on Ed Sullivan. So now everyone thinks they said, I'm trying to some girl.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe List]

I did not say the N word.

[Stavros Halkias]

No one accused you of it.

[Joe List]

Yeah, but they got to think that if I'm like, yeah, sometimes I talk like a black person. And then it goes. How could they come to any other conclusion? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It looks like we'll be pudding.

[Stavros Halkias]

We'll definitely be bleeping that. We will be putting a disclaimer.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. If you don't like people doing character work.

[Joe List]

I know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Are you back in the actor studio, Bob? Is that what it feels like?

[Robert Kelly]

You're right.

[Joe List]

Could you believe that?

[Stavros Halkias]

That can stay.

[Robert Kelly]

That can stay.

[Joe List]

Why was so bad about mine?

[Robert Kelly]

Because you're a.

[Stavros Halkias]

We have to. Because you don't want it so bad. I was mostly joking before.

[Joe List]

Jeez. Don't bleep it, Elvis.

[Robert Kelly]

All right.

[Joe List]

It's funny stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I think she's fine. But you gotta just.

[Stavros Halkias]

You just have to be aware. I don't even know what advice we can give somebody.

[Robert Kelly]

Aware is. That's it. You're aware of it. You feel like a douche and you'll stop doing it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Every time you cringe. Just internalize that. Remember that feeling and try and stay away from it.

[Joe List]

Yeah. One of those collars where somebody.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop going into the city. Go back to you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Go back with the people you belong with.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Your roots.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is the problem. This is an easy way to tell you where you're not, where you shouldn't be. Give us a. Give us another one. I know Joe's itching to get out of here.

[Joe List]

I'm not going to get out of here. I just want to make sure, you know, nothing's falling apart over there. But I haven't heard from any of them.

[Stavros Halkias]

Great.

[Robert Kelly]

Any of them.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're gone.

[Joe List]

There's only one person.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your son has a phone. Now hit us with another.

[Caller Eldis]

Aldous. And esteemed guests.

[Caller F]

So a little background.

[Caller Eldis]

I'm a 28 year old guy living in Philly. I've been in the dating scene for the last, I don't know, six to seven years. And I've gotten into nothing long term, just kind of situation.

[Stavros Halkias]

Great.

[Caller Eldis]

I've been doing pretty well for myself besides the fact. But I'm looking again to something serious down the line for sure. And my most recent and current situationship is with my cousin's best friend who I've known for most of my life. And we actually Have a great time together. She's down to have sex whenever. So like, same libido, always down the check out new food spots. Very caring, very giving, Just an all around nice girl. The only catch is she's 38, so she has about 10 years on me, which isn't that big of a deal. And you know, on the one hand, I'm like really enjoying our time together. I could potentially see myself dating her or someone like her. But on the other hand, the age gap is kind of preventing me from wanting to go further with it. I want kids one day and I don't know, get given she's late 30s, if that's something she's even considering anymore. And most of my. The women I've been with in the past and dated previously were younger than me. And that's just something I'm keeping in mind. So do you think I should continue seeing her and letting it play out the way it plays out, or kind of cut it off and start getting serious about dating more intentionally for something long term? We'd love to hear your thoughts here, guys. Thanks again. Bought the shop.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, I mean, both of his questions, neither option was, should I stay with her? He was like, should I cut it? Should I continue this and see, you know, whatever? Or should I just cut it off and date more intentionally for somebody I like? It sounded like he likes everything about this person.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, and she's 38. You don't have to. She's gonna die of cervical cancer anyways. I mean, she's not gonna be around for nothing. You know, something's gonna happen to this old Broadway. You have to worry about getting her pregnant either. Just dump right in her. Nothing's coming out of that. I mean, enjoy yourself. Until something happens to her and she gets to go to the hospital and move on. And then get yourself a young girl and have a baby with that.

[Joe List]

With that.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think it's not a bit. Ten years, whatever. I mean, you can. If you like this person, basically. I do think though, you. You need to decide if you're going to pursue something serious with her or move on because you shouldn't just stay casual with her. I don't think. I mean, you should check in and see how she. She might be fine with it, actually. I don't know. I'm projecting that she'd be mad, but she might not want kids. She might just want to date casually.

[Robert Kelly]

She can't have. I mean, she's 30. Do you understand?

[Stavros Halkias]

I will just have a kid and you're.

[Joe List]

Yeah, my wife is 47.

[Stavros Halkias]

We have a 2 year old.

[Robert Kelly]

How long, how long did it take?

[Joe List]

It took us a long time and a lot of money. But now you can do ivf. You give shots in your eyes.

[Stavros Halkias]

IVF as well. Yeah.

[Joe List]

You're an IVF kid. So there. There's time.

[Robert Kelly]

There's time and a lot of money. You gotta Frankenstein that. Yeah, there's a lot of you gotta do.

[Joe List]

But you can still get pregnant at 38. It's absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you gotta wrist a hair lip coming out on the snave. Hi dad.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think old jizz has a lot to do with that act actually.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, Jiz. Jiz is fine.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's true.

[Joe List]

As a kid.

[Stavros Halkias]

How's he doing cognitively?

[Robert Kelly]

It's always the. It's always six eggs.

[Joe List]

It is. The eggs are delicious. Is good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, I don't know that that's true.

[Robert Kelly]

It's absolutely true. Look it up.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think the Jiz is good.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think Jizz babies in their 60s.

[Joe List]

This is perfect. Going down. It's warm. I love swimming. Swallowing it.

[Stavros Halkias]

But no Elvis. Anything from the medical community. I searched.

[Joe List]

Does jizz go bad by age?

[Stavros Halkias]

And it says yes, jizz. Semen quality declines with age.

[Robert Kelly]

Not in the sense that it spoils.

[Stavros Halkias]

But it's fertility parameters, sperm quality.

[Joe List]

This decreases after a man's 30s.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Now talk about that egg. See what happens with that.

[Joe List]

No, but 10 years is a chunk.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay for sure. But if it was the flip side, I don't think, you know, if he's 38, she's 28. He wouldn't be thinking thinking about it.

[Joe List]

That's true. Well yeah. You gotta worry. He's worried about her body.

[Robert Kelly]

You just gotta start enjoying hikes and like old lady. Like old middle aged women. Well, walking dogs.

[Joe List]

You gotta look at her mother. What does her mother.

[Stavros Halkias]

There we go.

[Joe List]

Is she decrepit? Is she fat? Is she old? Is she fit? Because if she's staying fit. My wife is 47. She's as hot as she's ever been. She's in great shape. It's great. Don't look at the moment.

[Stavros Halkias]

Don't.

[Robert Kelly]

It's going to scare the out of you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or it could be good.

[Joe List]

Or if the mother's dead, stay with her because what Bobby said she'll be dead soon. Bad jeans. But I think first of also it's like go with the feeling. The love.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Some of these people are lunatics. You got to hear what Stavros thinks. Do you like being with her? She's You. She's fun, she's nice. You're attracted to her.

[Robert Kelly]

The only a guy who has no. No girl who hangs out with a giant. What you should do with your relationship.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm very wise, Robert.

[Joe List]

Wise ass.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hey, there's no.

[Joe List]

Should we bleep it?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, keep all his voices in. See if I give a.

[Joe List]

The voices are big. Well, Yorgos like the voices.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think so. I don't think that's his true speed.

[Robert Kelly]

Who.

[Joe List]

I gotta get in with your ghosts.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'll put a good word in for you, I think.

[Robert Kelly]

And you're having a good time with an older woman. Enjoy yourself.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's 38.

[Joe List]

He's older.

[Robert Kelly]

He's what?

[Stavros Halkias]

He's 28.

[Joe List]

She's 25 older than him.

[Stavros Halkias]

But a 38 year old's not that old, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

38 going into 40. It's a different. It's a different world. They. She wants to do different things.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know that's necessarily true.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude. Yeah. How old are you?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm 36.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude. You don't know. You've never been 38.

[Joe List]

You could date my wife.

[Robert Kelly]

You've never been with a 38 year old. You've never been with a 38 year old.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, I have.

[Robert Kelly]

You have?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Actually when I was younger, ironically enough, you were molested. He was 38. I was 7. No. When I first moved to New York, I actually like, I went on a couple, you know, briefly dated and hooked up with a 37 year old, I think. But.

[Robert Kelly]

But the thing is a different day though. But it's not fun.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was fun.

[Robert Kelly]

She had to take naps.

[Stavros Halkias]

She was cool. She. She was just like, what am I doing? Some dumb. You know.

[Robert Kelly]

But didn't she go to bed earlier than you?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, dude. Especially. What the are we talking about?

[Joe List]

We're all old.

[Stavros Halkias]

This woman is not that old.

[Robert Kelly]

They.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're aligned on everything. I don't think 10 years, if what you're saying the love is there. If you feel like a real connection to this person. That's so much harder finding. That is so much harder than finding, you know, someone who's like 25.

[Robert Kelly]

She wants to get down whenever you want to get down.

[Joe List]

She's at that age. Women, women peak later, right? 38's like the height of their sexual.

[Robert Kelly]

I say stay, enjoy yourself. Have some wine and some whatever fruit juice she has to have in the morning.

[Joe List]

Just make your vitamins, make sure she's staying fit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, not like a. Not like a fat 38 year old.

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Joe List]

Well, no, I'm serious, though, because you don't want to be when you're 68. What kind of 78 is she gonna be?

[Stavros Halkias]

But we don't know what this guy. This guy must be a. Might be a fat piece of too.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, we don't know.

[Joe List]

Probably.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, that's what I'm saying is that. And also the age curve is better for women than men. Men age worse, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

True.

[Joe List]

What are you talking about?

[Stavros Halkias]

Men die earlier than women.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they don't. They age way better.

[Stavros Halkias]

I just. Oh, you're right.

[Joe List]

I mean, physically, they age.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean. I mean, like, health outcomes are better for women older is what I'm saying.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyway, my thing would. Would be if you really like this person, don't let the age age stop you necessarily. You have to have a conversation with her. It's like, what does she want? Because she might. Because she says he wants kids. Right. She might just never want kids. And that's actually the deal breaker. It's not the age.

[Robert Kelly]

She's at the age where she's like, 100%. Where women are like, I don't think I'm going to do it. You know, it's hard.

[Stavros Halkias]

Not anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

A lot of women are like, not with ivf.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, we're literally. Again, literally.

[Robert Kelly]

Joe's wife had what girls are like because that. To go. Go through what she. You have to really want to have a baby. Back in the day, you just, you know, you would have it. You just have. When you're younger, you can have a baby. It's not a thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

It happens.

[Robert Kelly]

It becomes a thing in their head later in life.

[Stavros Halkias]

I guess I would say either way, have a conversation with her about what she's looking for in a relationship.

[Robert Kelly]

I would.

[Stavros Halkias]

I. I don't think it disqualifies her from, like, you ending up with this person. But it does make. The clock is ticking on the decision.

[Robert Kelly]

Decision.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is. Because if. If. If she wants something serious and you're like, maybe I'll just date her for fun. And you kind of waste some of her, you know, the.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Some of the best. The fourth quarter. It is the fourth quarter for her dating. Well, not even people date later.

[Robert Kelly]

But you're gonna have to throw that egg out because it's been in the fridge for a week and a half.

[Stavros Halkias]

You have to do the float test.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

With her eggs. Does it go to the top? Throw it out.

[Robert Kelly]

I would say dumping her. And if she has a big baby, stay with her.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. You know what? Fine. Who cares?

[Joe List]

I would say the exact opposite, okay? Dumping her if she gets pregnant. Out of there.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what? I say the same thing.

[Joe List]

Get out. Believe me. I'm falling asleep over here. I'm dying. My life is a nightmare.

[Robert Kelly]

I got a piss so bad. You got a piss about a really fancy apartment.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's do one more ld, and then we'll have little Robert piss.

[Joe List]

Well, it is. It is Thanksgiving and all. Let's reflect on, you know, something to be thankful for. Very heartfelt final note from one of our callers.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wonderful.

[Joe List]

I'm excited.

[Caller Eldis]

Hey, Stav. Eldest, esteemed guest or guests. This isn't a question. It's more of an appreciation call. My wife and I have gone through a bunch of miscarriages, ivf, all that fun stuff, and are still going through it. Most recently. Sorry. We lost a daughter at 19 weeks, which was really awful. But I have found a lot of solace in your podcast. It's really helped me out. Became a Patreon member. Couldn't get enough, all that fun stuff. With that, I kind of started quoting you around the. The house a little bit today. Well, you know, Stav said, saying that the. The, you know, the road to success is paved with Ls, so, you know, the more of these that we get through, the closer we are to our end goal. And it also helped my wife to the point that we're now referencing you in the house. Like, yesterday, I was so proud. She's like, well, Stav said, you know, IVF isn't a sure bet or something like that. And I think it was actually Elvis. But the point being, she's now, you know, a Stav fan, to the point that she said, you know, oh, if he ever comes around to where it in Philly. She ever comes to Philly, you know, I'll see him. And I'm like, oh, hell, yeah. And then for my birthday, which just recently happened, she got me one thing. We're not huge on, like, celebrating birthdays. We go out and do, like, dinners instead. Whatever. She said, hey, I hope you like this. You know what I got you? It was the Stavi Faye yogurt shirt. I was like, whoa, like, you've come full circle. You're now a. I'm like a. A demigod in our house, essentially. So I just want to say thank you for making me laugh and making her laugh through all actually giving out solid advice and all that. So just want to say thank you guys for everything and keep it up.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell, yeah, man. Thank you. That's. That was way more earnest than I was expecting.

[Robert Kelly]

It was uncomfortable.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Are we doing that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

I was like, I'm going to nail this guy. And he's like, we just lost a baby.

[Robert Kelly]

Ah, Jesus Christ. Yeah, we're having a blast. Why don't you blame sleep?

[Stavros Halkias]

That.

[Robert Kelly]

Made me sad?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, he's doing good. They're doing good.

[Robert Kelly]

I like when I quote you around the house. I thought he was gonna say I love ham. He actually said a great quote. Life is paid with a lot of L's. What? Shut the. You didn't say that.

[Stavros Halkias]

I did.

[Robert Kelly]

No. McConaughey said that.

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Losses.

[Stavros Halkias]

Losses.

[Joe List]

Oh. Why do you say losses?

[Stavros Halkias]

The road to. The road to a win is. Is littered with L's. That's what I.

[Robert Kelly]

What L have. You had skyrocketing. You've skyrocketed. Today, you fato met me at Magoobies, and I introduced to everybody, and you flew past me.

[Joe List]

I know. I have a fan letter from. He's got Emma Stone on his shoulders at a. At the Can Film Festival.

[Robert Kelly]

He's got three homes. We're in a luxury apartment. He's in a turkey outfit with tits. What the hell have you found? Had you.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's been a good couple years.

[Joe List]

Terrible. He's like, I want to talk Ls.

[Robert Kelly]

You look at two of them right here.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know.

[Joe List]

The greatest filmmaker of a generation just called me out of the blue, asked if I wanted to be friends with the biggest movie star of all time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Oh, wow.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought my weight was keeping. I thought maybe a fat was keeping me from pop. This fatso's skyrocketed to success.

[Joe List]

Oh, my God. That's a great story.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Fucking Ls.

[Joe List]

It's like FaceTiming with my biggest crush.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me tell you something. A lot of W's, and one L is the way to success. That's his quote.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, that does feel like a good place to end. Taking a beating from your loved ones on Thanksgiving. Love you guys. Thanks for being here. You're the best.

[Joe List]

Thanks for the plugs, by the way.

[Stavros Halkias]

Two of the best. Two of the funniest guys in the world. Watch all their stuff. Stuff. Look, go see them live there in your town.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And we will talk to you guys next time.

[Robert Kelly]

Bye. Bye.

[Stavros Halkias]

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

[Robert Kelly]

47. Hey, everybody, it's Rob Lowe here. If you haven't heard, I have a podcast that's called Literally with Rob Lowe's. And basically, it's conversations I've had that really make you feel like you're pulling up a chair at an intimate dinner between myself and people that I admire, like Aaron Sorkin or Tiffany Haddish, Demi Moore, Chris Pratt, Michael J. Fox. There are new episodes out every Thursday, so subscribe, please, and listen wherever you.

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