Madison Pruitt Trout (0:07)

What's up, guys? Welcome back to another episode of Stay True podcast. I'm your host, Madison Pruitt Trout, and I'm so excited about today's episode, and today is going to be a great day. I don't know when you guys are listening to this morning. Nighttime. All I know is today's going to be a great day. And I like to wake up and start my morning saying that because it really just puts you in, like, the right mood and it reminds you, like, God is so good and he's given me another day. And so today's gonna be a great day, and I'm gonna use it for his glory and his purposes. And so I like to start my day saying that. So if you're listening to this in the morning, just say it a few times. Today's gonna be a great day. Today's gonna be a great day. God's gonna use me today. But I am excited about today's conversation, and I'm also really excited that it is fall. I think it's officially fall. I don't really know when fall, like, officially starts, I'll be honest, but I am already really over summer. Fall is, like, my favorite holiday. Sweats is my favorite thing to wear, so it just really works out because I get to wear sweats all the time. And being pregnant, it's the only thing I can fit into right now. I literally can't fit into anything, you guys. I've grown out of all of my clothes, and I'll be honest, I didn't expect to be this big this quick. Like, I kind of thought once I hit, like, 25 weeks or so, I'd be like, getting a belly. Like, really getting a belly. I'm like a getting a belly right now, and I can't fit. None of my pants fit for sure. And any shirt that's, like, a little tight or like, a zipper in the back, can't wear it. Can't fit into it. I am having all the weirdest symptoms right now, and I will spare you the details because it's not the cute symptoms. It's like the not cute symptoms. It's like, you know, some gas and some bloating and not sleeping. Faces breaking out, can't fit into my clothes. Like hunger pains and just, like, uncomfortable at night, especially at night. So we are just embracing all the pregnancy things right now. But I will probably be in sweats for the remainder of this podcast until baby comes because I can't fit into anything else. And at some point, I probably should order Maternity clothes. For real? I should, but I just. It's overwhelming. I don't know where to start. And like, are maternity clothes cute? You know, I just. And not that I'm like, dressed up clearly, like, my idea of Q is sweats and sneakers, but, you know, it's like, if I can wear that, I'm gonna wear that. So I am thankful for fall that it is getting cooler outside and I can wear my sweats and my sneakers. And I'm just one happy girl. I also just love candy corn. It's so random. I don't know, but my mom knows it's like my love language. And so as soon as they start selling it and like marketing it in the stores, she'll always get me a big old bag of candy. Candy corn. And I don't know why. I just, I love it so much. But fall time is just my favorite. When the, the leaves are changing colors and the. It's like not too cold outside. It's not hot. And just all the fall things, the fall candles, the fall colors, just. I'm so excited, clearly. And that's not what we're talking about today. I just wanted to go on a little rant with you guys. But like I said, today is going to be a great day and I want to talk all about a conversation that I've been waiting to talk about with you Gu for a minute now. I'll be real. I've been wanting to talk all about relationships and specifically dating because I feel like I've touched on marriage. I feel like I've touched on singleness. And we still haven't done like whole episodes on those things. And so maybe we'll do those soon here soon. But I really feel like dating is so important to address because whether you are single right now and want to be dating and want to know what should I be looking for, or you're in the stage of dating and evaluating and trying to decide, do I want to stay in this relationship? Do I want to get out of this relationship? Is this the person that God has for me? I get so many questions on that. And so I would say a lot of my listeners here, I mean, it's pretty split. So like half married and half single or dating. And maybe the percentage is like a little bit more or less on one side. But I would say it's pretty split. And so I really enjoy, you know, talking about relationships. Relationships have changed my life, obviously. My relationship with Jesus, my relationship with friends and having amazing godly community and then finding my spouse, you Know those three relationships have or three subjects, I guess areas have changed my life. And so I really want to talk about that. And for those of you who don't already know, I actually did write a relationships book. And I actually touched on every single part of a relationship. So singleness, dating, engaged, married. I talked about all of it. And the crazy thing is, so the book is called the Love Everybody Wants. It's a hot pink cover, which just works out really well since I'm having a baby girl and just all the pink things, but the Love Everybody Wants. And I was so passionate about this book because I started writing it single and single and mad, single and miserable, single and waiting, single and like, lord, where is my person? And then moved to a place of single and content, single and thriving, loving, where God had me, still hoping for a spouse, if that was what God had for me. But content. And then met Grant, started dating in that evaluation stage, then got engaged, then got married. So I really walked through all of these different, you know, parts of a relationship, and I talk about that in the book. But really the heartbeat of this book and the heartbeat of any type of conversation that I ever want to have around relationships is to say this, that all relationships are meant to glorify God. And every season of your life is meant to glorify God. So in your singleness, glorify God in your dating, glorify God in your marriage, glorify God in all seasons of life, in all that you do, let everything be done with the mindset to glorify God. And so relationships are so, so important. But we weren't just like, not. The sole purpose of us existing is to find a relationship and get married. That's not our ultimate goal in life. Our ultimate, ultimate goal in life is to know Jesus, make him known, and get as close to him as we possibly can. And so whether you're in singleness or dating or marriage, you can still pursue that goal. So that is not only limited to those who are getting married. Your purpose doesn't start when you get married. Your purpose starts when you accept Jesus Christ and you decide to live on mission for Him. And so just know that whatever season of life that you're in, God wants to use you, God wants to speak to you, and the season is purposeful. And so if you're in singleness and you're waiting, my challenge to you is to wait well and to know what you're looking for, which is what we're going to get into. We're going to talk all about what you should be looking for, what you should be praying for, how you can wait. Well, but just know that while you're waiting, who you're becoming in the waiting is way more important than what you're waiting for. And so if you're waiting for a spouse, just know in this season of singleness, while you're waiting, who you're becoming and what God is doing inside of you and the way that you're investing in your relationship with the Lord and in your community and in your purity and in all of these different things like that is so important because you're going to carry that into every season of your life, whether you get married or never get married. That is so important for you to establish holy and healthy habits for you to know your values, for you to have a solid and strong relationship with Jesus, for you to be confident in who you are. And so in this book we talk all about how to first have a strong relationship with Jesus, and then two, how to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Because a lot of times what happens that I've seen so often that I've fallen into in my past is when I wasn't confident in who I was, when I didn't know my true worth and value, I was trying to find that in someone else. I was trying to find that in a boyfriend. I was trying to find that in a relationship status. And my worth was equated to my relationship status or to what my boyfriend thought about me. And that is a very unhealthy, ungodly, and really exhausting rollercoaster to be on. And so God has so much more for you than that. God wants you to realize, just like it says in Psalm 23:1, the Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. When we have Jesus, we have everything. We have everything that we need. And so he is sufficient. He is enough. He is more than enough. And it's so important for us to realize that. And then from that place we're able to really establish who we are in Him. And so once we are confident in who God, God is, then we can start establishing being confident in who we are in God and who we are in Christ. Because we are meant to know our worth. We are meant to. And I don't mean it from a worldly feminist, you know, like anti godly approach of like, you know, you do, you boo, boo, know your worth like you're better than. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying your true worth in Christ Jesus, your true, your true God given identity which really is to say, you are to deny yourself. You are to submit to Christ. It says in God's word, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives within me. So the way I find my life is by losing my life. Scripture says those who try to find their life will lose it. And those who lose their life for my sake will find it. And so to really walk in your true God given identity is to say, actually it's not about me at all, and it's all about Jesus. And the closer and closer I get to Jesus, the more and more I understand why he created me the way that he created me, why he gave me the gifts he gave me, and how I can walk in that truth, walk in his truth. Not my truth, not your truth, but his truth. Because that truth will set me free. And that truth will lead to a life of freedom and peace and contentment. And so when I personally was able to tap into being the most confident version of myself, like people say all the time, maddie, you're so confident. How are you so confident? And it's like, because I realized that apart from Him, I have nothing. Apart from Him, I have nothing good to give. Apart from him, I have. I am no good. Like ap. From Jesus. Like, I am still stuck in sin, stuck in darkness, messy, broken, confused, lost, blind. Like there. There was so much confusion and deception and darkness on my life when I wasn't walking with Jesus. And then since knowing the Lord, my life has changed. And that darkness turned to light and that lost turned to found. And that, you know, it's like I was completely transformed. And so because of that, every single day, I say, lord, it's no longer I who live, but you who lives in me. Help me to see you the way that I'm supposed to see you. Help me to see myself the way you want me to see myself. To consider others as more important than myself, but to also know that I have value. And that's not just meant to be given to any guy who shows interest in me. And that's something I really want to speak to. Because when we know our true worth in Christ, we don't have to play hard to get. We just are hard to get. And that's not to say we're playing games. We're not Christians playing games out here in these streets. That's not what we're doing. But when you know your true worth and value in Christ, you are hard to get. Because not just anyone gets you. Not just anyone gets you, because not just anyone deserves you. We are not meant to be in relationship with others who are not equally yoked. We are not meant to be in relationship with others who don't promote our love for Jesus and push us closer to Jesus. Therefore, not just anyone gets us. Not just the person who hollers at us or gives us attention when we feel insecure, or the person who comments on our Instagram or the, you know, the person who's cool and everybody wants to be with. It's like, no, I'm not just going to give myself to whoever gives me attention. I'm not going to just give myself to whoever shows me the time of day. I am going to wait. Well, I'm going to keep my eyes on Jesus, fixing my eyes on Jesus and the purpose and the race that he has set before me. And I'm going to run my race. And if someone, if God has chosen someone for me to do life with, I know I'm not going to have to look back at who, who's behind me and pray to God I can drag him up to where I'm at. I'm not going to have to, like, look way far ahead and keep, you know, so far ahead that I miss what, you know, the steps that are right in front of me. I'm going to just run my race knowing that Jesus is the ultimate goal and the prize. And I know if God has someone special for me, he's going to be alongside of me, maybe a couple steps even ahead of me. And we're going to, we're going to know, okay, maybe this, this means we're meant to run this thing together. But I think so often we end up looking behind us to pull others up to where we're at. Whether you look at friendships or romantic relationships. And it's causing us to stumble, it's causing us not to run our race, it's causing us to look back. And no one who is fit for the kingdom, you know, turns their back and looks back and puts the plow down and looks back. We are meant to run our race and the only way we do that is by looking forward. The only way we do that is by being present with where we're at right now and knowing what the ultimate goal is. And so I just want to make that really clear. I think what happens so often is we compromise who we are and we compromise our values and our God given identity and purpose because someone shows us attention, because someone shows that they're interested and we're lonely and we're insecure and we just want to be loved. And we just want company. And I just want to challenge everyone listening. Like, first of all, I've been there. I, I've, I've been that person. I've been that girl that, you know, dated the guy that just gave me attention or dated the guy that was just really cute but had no true substance or had no, you know, true relationship with Jesus. I was the girl who had, you know, a relationship on reality tv and, you know, and you all or those who watched got to see that. And so I am not coming from a place of, I did this perfectly. I am just talking to you guys about what scripture says and also what I've learned along the way through my failures, through my mess ups and screw ups, and through the moments where I was able to stay true and stand firm and how God used those moments too. And so I just want to continue to encourage and challenge you guys to know your true worth and identity in Christ. When you know your worth, when you know your value, not just anybody gets you. And again, that does not mean you have to play games and play hard to get you. Just you will walk confidently in who God has made you to be. And then when you do that, if God has a special person for, for you, they will be attracted to that, they will pursue that and they will be on the same, they will be running right next to you in their race. And you won't have to look back and you won't have to like, you know, try to be someone else to get forward. You will be where you are and they will be close by you, maybe hopefully a couple, a couple steps ahead, which was my relationship with Grant. I mean, honestly, I didn't think it would be possible for me to find someone that loved Jesus as much as I love Jesus. I really, I really, if I'm honest with you guys, had the thoughts and maybe you guys are here where I was like, I'm going to have to compromise in some way, shape or form. I'm going to have to compromise whether it's, you know, am I attracted to them, do I laugh with them, do they love Jesus as much as I love Jesus? And I had gotten to the point where I was like, I'm probably going to have to compromise in some way. And I just remember like being corrected in that thinking with the Lord and just being like, no, I refuse to compromise. I am going to be uncompromising in my values, in my faith, in my purity, in my running, my race. And because of that God, I was given the most beautiful gift of a man who also was uncompromising and who loved Jesus and who was running their race well. And he is such a gift and blessing and I'm so thankful that I didn't settle and I just want to continue to encourage you guys. Do not settle. Do not settle for anything less than God's very best. God wants to give you his very best. But if you're constantly settling for what's less than because it's giving, giving you attention or because it's meeting your lonely need, God's not going to have room to give you his best. He's not going to have room to give you what he made for you when you're continuing to try and control or manipulate or settle. And so I just want to continue to encourage you guys. It is so worth the wait when you find that person that loves Jesus and pushes you closer to Jesus and makes you laugh and you can be best friends with and go through the hard things in life with on purpose, on mission and serving Jesus together. Like, like there is nothing better than that. I'm telling you guys truly, other than obviously following Jesus, there's nothing better than doing life with someone else who's also following Jesus. And it's just not worth compromising. It's not worth settling. God has so much more for you. And if you've never heard anyone say that to you, I just want to say that to you and remind you of that. Like God has more for you. Don't settle for anything in life. Don't settle. Don't settle for less than God's best. Don't compromise your values and your beliefs, belief. Stay true. Stay true. Stay true to the truth and to your true God given identity and to your true purpose. And know that at the right time, the right person, if that's God's will for your life, will come alongside you won't have to compromise, you won't have to settle and you guys will come together and you'll both make each other more like Jesus. And that is a beautiful place to be. Okay, that was a really long intro. I'm like, what? We're 20 minutes in and that was an intro. Okay, I really want to take this in the direction of specifically talking about dating and ways when to stay and when to walk away. And so we're going to be talking about how do you know if this is the person I should be with? How do you know if they're the one? What makes them special? What makes it to where you're like, yeah, this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And then how do you know when to walk away? How do you know when it's not right? What if they, like, kind of love God and they're a good guy or they're a good girl, they're a good person? It's like, okay, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about the red flags. Let's talk about the things to be looking for. Because what happens is when it comes to dating, so often so many people get into relationships not knowing what they're looking for. They go in blindly. We even have these shows called Love is Blind. And we almost promote this idea of just, like, going into things, going into love, going into relationships blind. And it talks about that in scripture. Can the blind lead the blind? No. Both will fall into the pit. We aren't meant to be blind. We are meant to have eyes wide open. Open. We are meant to have very clear vision. It says also in scripture, without vision, the people perish. We need to know what it is that we're looking for in order to get what it is that we want to get. And so we have to have a target in order to, you know, throw the right thing and hit the target. And so what is our target? What is it that we're looking for? What. What are our, you know, our little list or whatever, you know, you want to call it. And I want to encourage and challenge you guys not to make this list of all of these unrealistic expectations or of these worldly things. And I think something that's really important to note is that whether you're in singleness, whether you're in dating, or whether you're in marriage, all of it should look so much different than how the world does it. And so if you're single, you should be single God's way. If you're dating, you should be dating God's way. If you're married, you should be married God's way. And so in singleness, you should be pursuing purity and dating, you should be pursuing purity. In marriage, you should be pursuing purity. We shouldn't look like the rest of the world if we're dating. We shouldn't be living with the person that we're dating. We shouldn't be be compromising our values, our faith, our convictions like that just because it, quote, unquote, makes more sense. And I've heard that so many times. It helps me save money. It just, you know, we want to cohabitate. We want to live Together, even if we're not sleeping yet. It's like, no, that you're playing marriage. You're playing married. And that is meant to be held within the confinement of marriage. That's not something to, you know, tap into in your dating to see if it works out. That's like, no, why do. You don't need. You don't need to test drive the car before you buy it. If you're talking about a literal car, sure, yeah. Yes, maybe. But human beings aren't cars. We're not vehicles. We're not engines just to use when we need it and then not when we don't. This is not the same scenario. This is a situation where God talks about the importance of fleeing all temptation, all sexual immorality, all sexual sin. And why would you even, you know, want to get close to the line? Why would you want to play married when you're not married? I mean, I just want to continue to encourage you guys in that. And. And I've been very honest and open with you guys that my purity, even though I saved myself for marriage, my purity journey has not been one that has been perfect. I never want you guys to be on the podcast feeling like, oh, Maddie is just trying to project that she did it. I'm like, no, I was not perfect. There were definitely moments where I pushed and crossed boundaries with, you know, people that I was dating. Also moments where, you know, I was stuck in pornography and masturbation and, you know, looking at things and thinking things that I shouldn't be thinking. And so this is not coming from a place of judgment. This is coming from a place of love. And if we are calling ourselves Christians, then our singleness, our dating, our married life should look so much different than the world's. And if it doesn't, then I would truly question if you are a Christian. And I, again, I don't say that with judgment. I say that with hopeful in a way that it will call you higher. Or if you have a friend who is in that season of life or situation in life that you feel like, you can speak into it or you can share this podcast with them, because it should look different. Our singleness should look different. We shouldn't be desperate and needy for a spouse in our singleness, if we truly know and believe that in him we are more than enough. And if we truly know and believe that when we have a relationship with Jesus, we lack nothing. It says in. In Psalm 34 that those who seek him lack no good thing, lack no good thing. Those who seek him lack no good thing. That doesn't mean if you're married and you seek him, you lack no good thing. No. In whatever season of life, those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. And so if you truly are a Christian and you believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and you choose and commit to follow him, then if you're single, you can still have those hopes and those desires. I had those hopes and those desires. But at the end of the day, we have to come back to a place in singleness in order to do singleness God's way, and say, but in Him I am enough, and in Him I am content, and in Him I have what I need. Lord, do I desire to be married? Absolutely. And are these the things that I'm going to write down and pray for over my spouse and evaluate if a person comes into my life that could potentially be my spouse? Absolutely. I did those things. Those things are good to do. If you have a desire to be married, I encourage you be praying over your spouse, but more than anything, be working on yourself. You know, it also says in Scripture, he who finds a wife, or he who finds a husband, you can substitute Husband finds a good thing, he who finds a way wife, which means you're already becoming who you want to be. Like, you're in the process of practicing right now in your singleness, your wifehood, because you don't just become a wife the day you say, I do. You become a wife right now in your everyday decisions, how you're pursuing Jesus, how you're taking care of your body, how you're, you know, what you communicate with, how you live, all of that you are doing right here and right now in your relationship with Jesus, whether you're single, dating, or married. And so I just want to speak to that. And dating, it should look God's way. It should not look the world's way. That means purity. That means even spiritual boundaries. Like, I would just even, you know, like, encourage you guys to be really careful. I know everyone has different perspectives on this, and so I'm not putting my stake in the ground. I don't have a scripture to throw at you guys with. Like, this is what Jesus has to say about it. But I will say just be really careful with how much spiritual and emotional connecting you do in dating when you're not married yet. And I say that because I dated someone for four years. And, you know, we both really loved Jesus. And there was. When we broke up, there was. It felt like a soul tie that I had to really break free from. And it wasn't one that was physical. It wasn't, you know, I. We had chosen purity and saved ourselves for marriage, but it was one that was spiritual. We had prayed together. We had, you know, done ministry together. We had read scripture together. We had all of these things that felt like we were already practicing marriage. And then when we broke up, like, that was a hard separation. And so I just want to encourage you guys, that doesn't mean, like, oh, before a meal, you can't pray, you know, or like, if there's a really, really, like, one of you has a job interview or something, and it's like, oh, no, we can't pray with each other and pray for that. It's like, no, those are okay. Those moments are okay. I think what I'm encouraging you guys to do is just pray through that. Be cautious of it, be aware of it. Not to cross certain spiritual and emotional boundaries, because those can even be more dangerous than physical sometimes or just as dangerous as physical sometimes. And so our dating should look like God's way and not the world's way. Our marriage should look like God's way and not the world's way. And so in all areas of life, we need to continue to make sure that it's submitted to the spirit, it's submitted to the word of God, that we are followers and doers of the word of God and not just hearers, listeners, readers, that we are actually following what God's word and God's commands say and how we should live. And so in dating, we have to know what it is that we're looking for. But first, I want to start with, you know, when should you walk away? So let's talk some red flags. Okay? Let's go there. Let's talk some red flags. Because the red flags that you tolerate or ignore at the beginning of the relationship will set the kind of foundation that your relationship builds on. And so that's why it's not okay. And we should not ignore, look away, or tolerate and be okay with the red flags that we see at the beginning of a relationship. Now, I want to be clear. Every single one of us is going to have things that we need to be working on, okay? And we can call these beige flags, okay? They're not green flags. They're not red flags. We'll call them the beige flags. I've heard that said. So we'll roll with that. You would think yellow, but, like, you know, red, green. I don't know. We'll go with beige. I Guess that's more aesthetic. So we will say beige flags, and we will all have some beige flags. Just in the sense of, like, okay, like, I can have a snippy attitude sometimes, or at least like, when Grant and I first started dating, if something didn't go my way, I was very quick to, like, be reactive or be angry or whatever it may be. I would say I also was really growing in my understanding of how I posted on social media and how I dressed and what that portrayed. I wasn't dressing really inappropriately, so it wasn't red flag. I wasn't, like, just throwing my body out there for everyone to see. I wasn't posting bikini pics. I wasn't posting those things. But I also wasn't necessarily covering up my whole entire body as well as, you know, just making. I was kind of making some faces that, you know, hinted a little more seductive, I guess you could say. And that was a little bit of a beige flag. Another thing for me was I had really bad church hurt shirt before I went on the Bachelor and right when I came off the Bachelor. And so when Grant and I met, I wasn't plugged into a local church. I wasn't serving, and I wasn't in, like, any type of small group or life group, whatever your church calls it. And so I would say that's a little bit of a beige flag. I wouldn't say it's a red flag. I loved Jesus with all my heart. I still kind of went to church on Sunday. I would. Every time I was in town, I would go to church on Sunday. But I will say we as Christians aren't meant to just go to church to attend. We aren't meant to just show up and consume. We are meant to be a part of it. We are meant to be plugged in, and we are meant to serve. We're meant to be a part of the body and not just show up when we want to take what we want and then peace out. It's meant to be shared. It's meant for us to give our gifts to the church and let it be used for the edification of Christ. And I wasn't in a season of doing that. Now. I had done that my whole life, my whole, you know, high school, college. I mean, even, like, when I was young, experience was I was very, very involved and plugged into the local church. But I think because I had come through church hurt and things that I hadn't fully healed from, when it came to church hurt, that was limiting my ability to be Plugged into a local church. Grant was really plugged into a local church. And so he was serving and in a community group and just also was just a super vulnerable, honest, open person, whereas I am a little bit more private and not as vulnerable. And so those were a few of my, like, beige flags. Grant had a few beige flags. Like beige flags, we're all going to have areas that we need to grow in and that it's going to take other people to call us out in order for us to grow in them. Now, red flags is what I want to talk about and focus on. But I did want to speak to that, because you're not going to find anyone that's perfect and you're not perfect. And so make sure you don't have unrealistic expectations that you need to find the perfect person because you're not the perfect person, because there's only one who is perfect, and that's the one that we submit to and serve and love, and that is Jesus Christ. Okay, so red flags. Let's talk red flags. So I want to kind of talk through maybe five, seven different red flags. Flags of when you know you should walk away. When you know you should walk away from a relationship. These are the red flags. Number one, when your beliefs and your values don't align, when your beliefs and your values don't align, a lot of times what happens is when our beliefs and our values don't align, we try to justify, we try to overlook, we try to excuse. It's like, oh, but they, you know, they like, love God or they go to church or they have a Bible verse tattooed or written on their Instagram. If your beliefs and your values don't align, it's not willing, you should not be willing to compromise that. It's not gonna go well for your future for you to look past that and overlook that. And that is talked about all throughout Scripture. Obviously not specific to dating, because dating wasn't really a thing when the Bible was being written. You were set up to get married and there were arranged marriages. And so we are now having to navigate. Navigate this whole new thing that was not really a thing when the Bible was being written. So we are having to really just pray through these things and find scriptures that we can use to apply to our now society and how we date today. However, when your beliefs and your values don't align, it talks about in Matthew 7 that there are two different houses. One house is built on the sand and one house is built on the rock. And in both scenarios, which is True of life. In both scenarios, winds and rains and storm and all of this came in and beat against the house. In both scenarios, both houses were getting beat up with rain and wind and the storm. And what happened was the house that was built on sand crumbled to the ground and did not last. But the house that was built on the rock lasted and withstood the storms that came against it. And I speak to that because it's so important in our life for us to be in relationship and for us to be unwilling to compromise in our relationships because we should be building our relationship on the rock. We should have our relationships built on the rock so that when storms of life come, which they will, when they come, we will not fall, we will not crumble to the ground. We will last. That is the kind of relationship that we should be wanting to build. If we are on two different foundations and we are on. One is on sand and one is on rock. And your person that you're interested in, you know, doesn't really love God, but it's like, oh, whatever, or maybe they're even a completely different religion or whatever it may be, at some point that house is going to crash. And I don't know what crash looks like. I can't speak to exactly what crash looks like, but there will be a crash because at some point, like storms will come. And when you're built on two different foundations, the scriptures are clear that only the house that is built on the rock, who is Jesus Christ, who is the truth of Jesus? Jesus Christ, will last. Our relationships are meant to be built on the rock. And so we need to find a relationship in our life where we can build our relationship on the rock. And so that's why our beliefs and our values must align. Because at the end of the day, if they don't change for God and if they don't change for themselves, they're not going to change for you. And if they do, it will be temporary. And so if someone one is. You're. You're interested in, and they're like, oh, yeah, I'll go to church. I'll. I'll love God, I'll do the Jesus thing. I'll, you know, if that makes you happy, if that fits your thing. Or take purity, for example. Oh, I'm not, you know, I. I'd love to have sex, but if that means a lot to you, then it's fine, like, I'll just overlook it. But it's not a value for them. That's a red flag. Because if they are not working on those things or changing those things because of their own conviction in pursuit of the Lord or because of their own conviction in how God has called them to live, then is a red flag. Because at the end of the day, they may become better for you for a second, but then it'll result to them becoming bitter of you because you made them change, and then they'll end up falling right back into who they once were. And so it's so important that you find someone that is aligned with you. You're both running your race, and you're not having to compromise that. Okay, red flag number two is if they are not healed from their past, and I want to be clear about this one, because there are going to be things that we're all going to have some. Some triggers or some areas like, oh, I don't know if I've, like, fully healed from that. I'm referencing more of if they have not healed from previous relationships. So if they are still hung up on another relationship, that is a red flag. And sometimes that's obvious, and sometimes that's not so, so obvious. Obviously the. The most obvious case is when they're talking about the person that they used to date all the time, when they're constantly finding ways to bring it up, when they're comparing you to the person you know, well, this, you know, they used to do this, or this is what I had in this relationship, that's a red flag. Okay? They're clearly not over their ex. They're clearly not healed from the past. Whether they want to get back together with their ex or whether they're just still in love with the idea of their ex. They're not healed from their past, and so do not compromise that. That is a red flag. That's kind of all I'll say on that. That one feels pretty explainable. Like, what's the word? Explanatory. Explain, Whatever. I don't have to explain it. Okay, you guys understand I was saying red flag number three is when you date someone for who they could be and not who they are right now. So dating potential, that is a red flag. And anytime I've talked about this red flag, you guys, I get so much hate. So many people come after me and they're like, oh, come on, you'll never be, like, exactly who you're supposed to be when you find your person. Like, we're all growing. Yes, 100%. We never arrive. So we're always becoming. We're always becoming something. We're always growing toward something. However, what I mean when I say don't date potential is don't date someone who is so far away from Jesus and you know, has this goal of like, one day I'll have a relationship with Jesus. Don't date someone who's so far away from all of these goals that they say that they have. When it comes to character, when it comes to relationship with the Lord, when it comes to integrity, you know, those are things that you want to look at right now and not something you want to say maybe one day. And I, and I say this red flag because this was something I would do. Like, this was something I was, I liked to be a fixer upper. I wanted to fix the relationship. It's like, okay, right now they're a little bit of a broken down house, but I can come in, I can chip and Joanna gains it. I can fix it all up and I can make it look pretty and it just never works out like that. And like I said earlier, if they become better because of you, they will become bitter because of you. You can't fix someone up. That's not your role. That's the role of the Holy Spirit. You're not meant to change someone. Only the Holy Spirit can truly change someone. Now, can God use you as a, as a part of that and to have a role in that? That? Absolutely. When you find a godly relationship, you should constantly be challenging each other to become better each day. You should constantly be challenging each other to look more and more like Jesus, refining each other, iron, sharpening iron. Absolutely. However, you should not be trying to change the other person. You should not be trying to have them, you know, completely change who they are in order for them to be with you. And if that's the case case, then go find someone else. Like, that's not your person, you know, it's just not your person. And I think it's so important for us to understand that we're not meant to date potential. We're meant to find someone who is equally yoked with us right now. And they still will have growth areas, as will you. But finding someone who loves Jesus like you love Jesus, who is pursuing their purpose like you're pursuing your purpose, who knows their identity in Christ like you know, your identity in Christ, who is surrounding themselves with godly community, like you're surrounding yourself with godly community, who has strong convictions like you have strong convictions. I mean, that's what I'm saying is don't find someone who just, you know, has the bare minimum so many of Us settle for the bare minimum, and we beg for scraps of love when that's not what we were meant to have. We were meant to experience love to the fullest and love and abundance. And so many of us settle for what's less than that because we're settling for their potential instead of who they are right now and loving them for who they are right now. Knowing that you're going to continue to grow together, you're going to continue to get better together, hopefully. But you shouldn't settle if they are not equally yoked with you right now. Hopefully. That one makes sense. Okay, we're going to touch on just a couple more because this podcast is going longer than I thought it was going to go. Okay, a couple more is when you. Red flag number four is when you don't have peace. And when I say peace, I want to be very clear on what that is, because I think sometimes people equate peace to just, like, if you love the person or if you have strong feelings for the person, it's like, okay, you know, I'm not going to get out of this relationship that's extremely toxic because I just have so much peace about it. And it's like, no, you're probably just blinded by lust or by your version of what love is, is. And you're blaming that on God's peace when that is not God's peace. Now, when God's peace is in a relationship, there is hope, there is vision, there is alignment in purpose, there is alignment in calling. There is, you know, an understanding of what our mission is. There is an eternal perspective that it is God honoring. It is a God glorifying relationship. And so for so many of us, we're in toxic, unhealthy relationships, and it's not God honoring and it's not God glorifying. Yet we say, God gave me peace to stay in the relationship. No, God did not give you peace to stay in the relationship. You're trying to justify staying in the relationship because you want to stay in the relationship even though you know it's not right and it's not healthy and it's not godly. And so when you have a lack of peace, there will be an uneasiness. There will be a pit in your stomach. Stomach. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not. There will be confusion. There will be constant tension, constant fight, constant stress. You know, there will be again, there will not be godliness in the relationship. There will be sin, there will be struggle, there will be strife, there will be division, There will be darkness. I mean, there will be a lot of those things when there's not peace in the relationship. And that doesn't always mean that the person doesn't love God. I have been in relationships where, where I was dating someone who loved God, but I didn't have a peace about it. Whether it was because our purpose didn't aligned, whether it was because they had ungodly patterns even though they loved God, or whether it was just because the people around me disagreed with the relationship and they saw something that I couldn't see. And as I prayed about it, I agreed with what they saw. And I think that, you know, peace is something that the closer and closer you get to Jesus and the more and more you seek him and you know him, you know his voice and you follow his voice. Your peace is not based on your emotions and your wants and your desires. Peace is from God and peace promotes the will of God. True peace, true God given peace should do that. And so when we're following the peace of God, that's not saying we're following whatever we feel. That's saying we're following God's will and it will lead us into godliness, into righteousness, into holiness. And so don't excuse this is God's peace to justify your sin or to justify what you want. Make sure that when you say, and just for you to know that when you say I'm following God's peace, that means I'm actually denying myself. I'm turning to the scriptures, I'm submitted to the Holy Spirit, and I'm following wherever the Spirit is leading me, even if that's leading me away from what I want right now. But in the end, it's going to give me what I was made for. And I've had those seasons where I walked away from something that I wanted in the moment moment to end up getting what I was made for in the end to end up getting what I really wanted in the long run. And God knew best. And so there were seasons where he removed peace. And maybe peace was there for a moment, but then he removed peace. And when the peace was removed and I knew I was supposed to get out of the relationship, when I met Grant, I was like, ah, it all makes sense. Like, it all makes sense and it all comes together. Okay, the last one I want to touch on is when the beliefs and the behaviors. So red flag number five. When beliefs and behaviors don't align. When beliefs and behaviors don't align. Now this is similar to the other red flag we Talked about when your values and when your beliefs don't align, but now I'm specifically talking about the person, not your relationship. So when the person you are interested in dating or are currently dating, if their beliefs and their behaviors don't align, that is a major. Your red flag. And what I'm saying by that is if they talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk, you should walk away. If they talk the talk and say, hey, I love God and God means so much to me. God is number one, God is dope, God is cool. I'm gonna follow God. All glory to God. But nothing about their life is submitted to God and surrendered to God and in pursuit of God and has the fruit of the spirit from God, like that is a wreck red flag. That is saying to you, hey, that the. The fruit of the tree ain't good and you should walk away. That is saying to you, hey, the beliefs and the behaviors don't align. And that is a major red flag. That is not something to overlook. That is not something to say, oh, maybe like it's just this season of life. And you know, when we get to. It's like, no, you should pay attention. If they say they are a Christian, Christian, you should see that in the way they talk. You should see that in the way they walk. You should see that in the decisions they make. You should see that in their purity. You should see that in their community. You should see that in their work. You should see that in their time and how they spend their money. You should see it in all aspects of their life, if they've truly been transformed by the love of Christ. And so just know, anybody can talk the talk. Anybody can put on a front. Anyone can catfish. Anyone can put on a good filter. Anyone can have a good face. Anyone can have the Bible verse quoted, you know, on. On their Instagram and say they love God and even go to church and even own a Bible. But do their. Do the fruits of their life show that they are in love with Jesus? Do the fruits of their life show that they are submitted to Jesus and follow him no matter what? And those are the things that you should be evaluating. And if, if, if someone you're talking to or dating has any of these red flags, I just encourage you to pray through it and to, to talk with a friend, a godly friend that loves you and loves God and ask them, you know, to pray with you and to. And ask for wisdom, ask for advice, ask for counsel, find a mentor. Ask them. And that's what I did when I was in a relationship. And there were a couple red flags, honestly, like, there were a couple of them. And, you know, the guy loved God. He really did. He loved God and the attraction was there. And, you know, and we laughed together and we had fun together. But his beliefs and his behaviors didn't always align. And there was a lack of peace and some people disagreed with the relationship. And so as I brought it up to godly community and as I prayed about it, it became very clear that I was to end that relationship. And that's the thing, is we can't continue to dance with confusion and expect clarity from God. We can't continue to hold on to the problem while also expect God to give us the promise. We have to let go of the confusion. We have to walk away from the problem in order to get the clarity and to get the promise. And so if you need to end that relationship that you know deep down is not God's best for you, do it. It's so worth it. Do it. I encourage you. Do it. It is not worth settling. It is not worth compromising. God has his very best for you, but it's going to take you walking away from what is not best in order for you to get his best. Okay, now we are going to end this episode very quickly by talking about how we can date well and what we should be looking for. And so I want to touch on really quick just things that you should be looking for in a person. And then once you find that in a person, what you should be asking and evaluating when you're in the relationship. And so one thing you should be looking for in a person is their conversation convictions, their true convictions. I'm not just. Again, I'm not talking about do they go to church, do they love God, but paying attention to their convictions and then the fruit of those convictions. So if they say they believe in Jesus, do their actions meet that, you know, do their. Does their life communicate that? Do the people they spend time with communicate that? How do they live their life? How do they spend their money? How do they spend their time? How do they. Who are they spending time with? What are the words they're saying? You know, what are the choices they're making? How are they dressing like all of those things are really important to pay attention to. What are their convictions? What is their actual relationship with Jesus look like? Relationship, not religion. It's not a status, it's not a reputation. It's not a religion, but it's a relationship. And so pay attention. What does their relationship with Jesus look like. And if that's a check, awesome. If they have a strong relationship with Jesus, awesome. I would say next to that is patterns. Like, what are their patterns? Okay, so if you're looking at, they just, they love Jesus, they are serving in the church, they have godly community, you know, they honor the Lord. Well, with, you know, the things that are going on around them now, it's just paying attention in the relationship. Are they consistently doing that? Because again, anyone can do something good for a season of time. Anyone can be a good person for a season of time. Anyone can put on a front for a season of. Of time. But are they consistently becoming more and more like Christ? Are they consistently, you know, having the fruits of the spirit and walking with the Lord and serving the church and serving people and loving people and like, paying attention to who are they consistently becoming? Because we are what we repeatedly do. We are who we're becoming. So it's like, who are they becoming? Who are they and who are they becoming? And paying attention to those patterns. And so if they have patterns of, of, you know, really unhealthy spending and how they spend their money, pay attention to that. If they have patterns of really bad language, pay attention to that. If they have patterns of drinking too much, pay attention to that. If they have patterns of surrounding themselves and navigating towards people who are ungodly and not healthy and good for them, pay attention to that. Pay attention to the little things and watch it over time. Time patterns are really, really important. And then I would say, of course, chemistry, like you want to have that chemistry. And when I say chemistry, this is more than just physical attraction, but this is. Do you guys laugh together? Are you guys best friends? Do you guys bring each other joy? Are you, are you able to go through the mundane everyday life, enjoying life? Because dating, in a way should be light, it should be fun. You should be able to see, can have fun with this person. Like go to the arcade, go to the park, go play volleyball, go play pickleball. Like, have fun and see if you have fun with this person and if you can make the most. And even just like the little moments, you know, when you're driving in the car or, you know, getting ice cream and, or going to the grocery store together, it's like, are you having fun? And even those little moments, because that's going to be such an important part of, of chemistry. Because looks, looks come and go, you know, and they fade. And when you're mad at someone, I promise you, you don't care what they look like. Like when you're going through a really hard season of life, you don't care what they look like. But having a strong bond and a strong chemistry, you know, in those seasons of life, having a person that can make you laugh and that is reliable and you know that you can count on is really, really important. And then the last thing I would say is purpose. And so making sure, sure that they have an aligned purpose and aligned mission and aligned vision. And this is important because if for some reason, you know, say the scenario is you're dating someone or you're interested in someone that fully feels called to be a full time missionary and to live in Africa or to live in India and they know 100% that is what I'm called to do. But you feel full like you with without a shadow of a doubt, no God has called you to live in Hollywood and to be on movies sets. Like, you know, that is your calling in life and that is what God made you to do. And you both have such strong vision and heart for that. That's going to be really, really hard in your relationship. And either someone's going to end up growing resentful of having to give up what they feel called to do by God, you know, or if, say, it works out and, you know, you compromise and God ends up changing your heart, that works too. But I do think it is really important, as you're in the early stages of dating, making sure you do have an aligned vision and purpose. And those were both from, you know, the perspective of you both really pursuing Jesus. But even if you take a step away and say, you know, maybe, maybe one of you really has a heart for, for ministry, even if that's just to like, lead small groups in your home and to do ministry in your home and to host people in your home, but the other one of you, you know, wants to be away on business all the time and doesn't really have an interest in getting plugged into local church and living life, you know, in small group ministry and hosting people at the house, that's going to be a really hard relationship. And that's going to be constant tension in the relationship and so paying attention, making sure your vision is aligned for what you feel called and purpose to do. You know, Grant and I both feel very passionate about sharing the gospel. Grant and I both feel very passionate about, you know, meeting people in all areas of life, whether it's athletes, whether it's celebrities, whether, whether it's the poor, whether it's the church, whether it's like, whoever. Like, we just feel very called to communicate truth and to communicate the gospel. And we also have a really big heart for generosity. Like, we want to live our life in a way that is constantly giving and constantly being generous. And so those are aligned purposes. Like, those are aligned visions for how we, you know, see our life and see where it's headed and see where it's going and how we want to raise kids. And to that. And even speaking of that is like, something to evaluate is, can you see this person raising your future children? You know, and that's something to think about. A lot of times we get into relationships because it's, you know, passionate and steamy and fun and. But we're not thinking about it from the perspective of, like, can this person love me for the rest of my life and serve me for the rest of my life and, you know, be with me in hard times and then raise children with me? And can we train our children together in holiness and in love for the Lord? Lord. And so those are questions to really evaluate and look at from just the perspective of, like, looking at the other person that you're interested in. And. And you guys can make your own list and have whatever it is. Again, I would encourage you not to make an unrealistic list. Don't make a list of, like, gotta be a cowboy, gotta be from this part of Texas, gotta be, you know, 6 foot 7. And it's like, just make a list that you feel honors God. Again, if we want to do singleness God's way, we want to do dating God's way, we want to do marriage God's way. Therefore, make a list that is God honoring and God glorifying. Okay, the last things I just want to talk about really, really quickly is once you are in the relationship with someone and they've crossed off all of those things, you've evaluated them, and they love Jesus and they are awesome, and they make you laugh and you can have fun and you trust their character and you've watched their patterns and all those things are there, and you feel really, really good. The person. And now you're in the relationship, and now you're asking, is this the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with? I would say three questions are really important to evaluate the relationship. The first one is, do they make me more like Jesus? Do they make me more like Jesus? And this speaks to identity. Do they help me become more and more like Jesus? We are called as Christians to be the Hands and feet of Jesus. We are called to reflect Jesus to this world. We are called, called to look like Jesus. And so the person that you marry, the person that you commit to being with for the rest of your life is going to have a huge impact on that reality and on that outcome. Will you look more and more like Jesus? The more you spend time with this person, does this person make you look more like Jesus? And this speaks to identity, this speaks to like who you're becoming. Does the person that you're in relationship with help your become coming to look more like Jesus? And that is just going to be so, so important. And then two is, does this person push me closer to Jesus? This is talking specifically about faith, like make you want to go deeper in relationship with Jesus. And so if one is speaking to identity, two is speaking to faith. Does this person make me want to go spend more time with Jesus, get more in my word, go live more, you know, evangelistic and sharing the gospel with people and you know, push me to holiness, pushing me to purity, pushing me to righteousness, pushing me to generosity. Does this person promote my relationship with Jesus more that when I spend time with them I want to go spend more time with Jesus? And then the third is, does this person push me to walk in my purpose for Jesus? And so does this person make me want to live out my God given purpose and mission on this life? And, and these things are so important when you're evaluating in a relationship. Because yes, a marriage is the two of you and you become one. But it is going to have a huge impact on you for the rest of your life. And it is a covenant. It is not something you can take back. It's not something you can be like wait, nevermind, I made a mistake. It's like, no, you gotta be sure and you gotta be certain going into that day that you say I do. Because you're signing up for a forever covenant and commitment to this person and who they are is going to have a huge impact on who you are and who you're becoming. And so you want it to impact your identity for the best. You want it to impact your faith for the best and you want it to impact your purpose for the best. Because that person is going to when they have an aligned vision and purpose as you and they love Jesus and they push you and promote like hey, here's the gifts on your life, here's what God's called you to do. Now I'm going to help you fan that into flame. That's the kind of person that you want to be on mission with, that you want to do life with, that. They promote the giftings and the callings that God has on your life. They don't try to hold it back, they don't try to come compete with it. They don't try. They don't get insecure about it. They promote it, they, they encourage it, they fan it into flame and they help you walk it out. They help you, you know, they support you and they encourage you and they help you become all you were made to be. Grant is so helpful for me in all of those areas. And that was when I knew he makes me more like Jesus. He pushes me closer to Jesus and he helps me make a difference for Jesus. I knew he was the one for me when those things were there and when I prayed about it and I had so much peace and knew this is the man that God made for me and set aside for me. And I pray that for every single one of you. And truly my heart is just that. You realize at the end of all of this, dating, marriage, all of it is for the glory of the Lord. And whether you're single, dating or married, we are still to live fully submitted and surrendered to Jesus Christ. And so even in marriage, even a married woman here speaking to you like Jesus is my number one priority. Priority. Jesus is the foundation of my life. My marriage is strong and healthy because it's built on the rock of Jesus Christ. And so when storms come, when life hits, when punches are thrown, our house does not fall because it's built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. We have a love, we have a life built on Jesus Christ. And that is the most important love, Jesus's love of all time. That is the greatest love of all time. And if we don't get that relationship, relationship right, all other relationships will be confusing, conflicting, like just crazy. And. And so I just want to encourage you guys, make sure your relationship with Jesus is strong and healthy before you try and have strong and healthy relationships romantically with anyone else. I love you guys so much. And I went longer on this podcast than I expected to, but I thought this was very, very important and just really practical for those of you who are dating, for those of you who are single, single and want to be dating, or maybe you're married and you have a single friend or a friend who is dating someone and praying through, is this the person God has for me? I pray that this is really helpful. And as always, I want to know what you took away and what was encouraging to hear. But I just love you guys and I want God's very best for you guys and I never want you to settle. I'm so thankful that I didn't settle. I tell my sisters all the time, do not settle, do not settle, do not settle. And I tell you guys because you're like family and I love love you, do not settle. God has very, very, very good in store for you. He is not withholding good from you. He has very good for you. And he is a good Father who gives very good gifts and and wait well. Pursue him with all your heart. Seek him with all of your heart. And like Psalm 34 says, those who seek him lack no good thing. You have all that you need when you have him in seasons of lack and in seasons of abundance. I can say that with full confidence that I have everything I need when I have Jesus. I love you so much. And be sure to like and subscribe to the podcast. Be sure to give it a follow. Be sure to review the podcast. All of those things really really help push this out, share this with a friend. Check out our YouTube and DM me. What encouraged you, what you want to hear next, who you want on the podcast. But as always, be sure to stay you and stay true. I love.