Lee (0:01)

Hey there Story Pirates podcast listeners. Lee here coming at you with a very special bonus episode just for you. We'll be back with full episodes soon and in the meantime, we have more for you Grown ups. Did you know that ads only cover a small portion of what it costs to make this show? It's true. So if you'd like to help us keep making it, consider supporting Story Pirates by becoming a Creator Club member. There are so many perks, including the ad free version of the show. Premium members even get to participate in a quarterly video meetup with Lee and Peter where we create a brand new story together for the podcast. But most of all, Creator Club members help us support the cost of the show so we can keep bringing it to you every week. If you're already a Creator Club member. Thank you so much. And if you want to join, you can do so by visiting storypirates.comcreator club. Or you can get the bonus episodes and ad free feed alone just by subscribing in Apple Podcasts. Get excited for some of the weirdest and funniest stories from the Story Pirates archives. And this week, they're all about weird products. Coming up right after a few words for the grown ups. I love storytelling. I'm very different from everybody. Confusion is the step before curiosity. Okay, that's a really funny idea. We have to send that in. I just get some joy when I hear other people giggling. I believe all of the things in my story. Human beings are just able to create the Zoey Pirates. Welcome back to Story Pirates Decodes, where we celebrate our favorite and weirdest stories from the Story Pirates archives and today's D carts. This episode is all about weird products you can buy. I mean, you can't really buy these products, of course, but what if you could? You can pretty much buy anything these days, after all. For example, if you're, say, I don't know, a cat burglar. Someone out there is just waiting to sell you all the things that a cat burglar needs in order to do their job. Oh, and by the way, a cat burglar doesn't burgle cats. I don't think. I guess they could if they wanted to. Anyway, here's a story about a product that every cat burglar needs. And here's the author to introduce it. Hi, my name is ellery and I'm 12 years old and I live in Michigan. This is my story. The not so safe safe. Ah, the end of another long day for the world's most incredible cat burglar. Me. Kevin, now that I'm in bed, I should really go to sleep. But first, I think I'm gonna aimlessly scroll through my phone. Okay, let's see some funny memes. Five toothbrush hacks. I won't believe an email from dad with the subject line interest. Interesting article. And what's this? A pop up ad from spam.com. i better click on it. Are you a cat burglar? Why, yes. Are you short on places to hide things? I sure am. Then you need this. The not so safe safe. That doesn't sound safe. It's safe. I stand corrected. Click here to purchase. Don't mind if I do. There. Purchased. Now let me look at my calendar to see when my next heist is. Ah, tomorrow is the Valuable Book Museum grand opening. The perfect opportunity to try out my new safe. Aw, cute cat meme. I'm so glad I finally got to get some. Hello. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you all to the grand opening of the Valuable Book Museum. Yes. Yes. Thank you. We're excited too. Of course. Here at the Valuable Book Museum, our mission is to celebrate the historic and cultural value of valuable books. And what better way to honor this mission than with our newest acquisition? This, the most valuable book. Thank you. Thank you. I will now open the floor for questions. I have a question. Yes? You. The gentleman with the convincingly realistic mustache? Hello. My name is Kevin Vaughn, and I'm from Valuable Books Daily. A quick question. With so many accomplished and handsome cat burglars working in the industry today, how do you plan on keeping the most valuable books safe? Oh, I think you'll find getting past our security system is quite the challenge. Oh, will I? Yes. Wait, what? Oh, my goodness. Someone turned off the light. Everyone stay calm. The backup light should come on any second. There, see? Everything is fine. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. We were talking about the most valuable book. It's gone. Oh, no. The most valuable book is the Valuable Book Museum's most valuable book. We have to find it. But how? We'll find it. Hello. I'm Detective Dickinson, and this is my partner, Detective Dickens. Please, call me Charlie. We're from the Valuable Books division, and that book is as good as found. Oh, thank goodness. Charlie, let's go. Ha ha. Kevin, you've done it again. Now to take this book and put it in my safe from spam dot com, where it's sure to be safe. I'll just put in my code. There. Now I'll put the most valuable book inside and close the door. Ah. Now that it's secure in my safe, I can go out and enjoy my day without fear of being caught. Here I go. Oh, this is a happy montage of Kevin enjoying his day. I did it. Yes, this is a carefree montage. Cause everything is going his way, and he's only a little bit worried that they'll find out he stole that book. Oh, no. But he's probably just being paranoid. Am I? But maybe he should go take a look. I'll just run home for a sec. So Kevin cut short this montage so he could go check on his safe. But when he opened up that safe, he found out that his not so safe safe was not that safe. The book. It's gone. But how. How long was I out? Let me look at my calendar. Two days. What did I do during that montage? Boy, it was all kind of a blur. Who could that be? Yes? Hello, sir. I'm Detective D. And this is my partner, Detective Dickinson. Please, call me Emily. Oh, hello, detectives. How can I help you? Yes, well, we're investigating the theft of the most valuable book. It was stolen from the Valuable Book Museum two nights ago. You don't say. Why are you asking me? We have reason to believe that you were there at the scene of the crime. That's impossible. I was here all night. Then why do we have a picture of you at the scene of the crime, detectives? That's not me, sir. This man clearly looks exactly like you. Not exactly. For you see, that man has a realistic looking mustache, whereas I clearly have none. He's got us there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a corndog in the air fryer. What's that on your table? Is that a fake mustache? Huh? This? No, it's not a fake mustache. Then what is it? It's a fake unibrow. See? You got us again. If that'll be all, detectives. Oh, just one more thing. Last night, we were driving around your neighborhood, and we noticed a loud party at this very house. May I ask what you were doing last night? I'm not sure. You see, last night was during the montage, so I can't be certain. Well, here. We took a video outside your house. Maybe this will jog your memory. Kevin, thanks for coming to my party in the middle of my montage. Hey, why are you having a party? Great question. I'm throwing a party because I have a very valuable book. Well, I could be talking about any valuable book, which I stole from the Valuable Book Museum. Okay, well, if I. Then where is it? I Keep it in a safe in the attic. Good luck guessing the safe code. And the safe code is. 9652. 9652. Everybody. 965-296-522. 9652. Huh? That montage really got away from me. You're under arrest. But I don't have the book. My safe is empty. We have it right here. You're coming with us. Wait, wait. Before I go, I gotta ask one thing. Yeah. Watch that. How in the world did you guess my code? Oh, brother. Let's go, buddy. Curse you, spam.com. oh, spam.com makes it not so safe. Safe? If someone breaks in, it's probably your fault. The end. Welcome back to story Pirates Deep cards, where I guess we learned that the not so safe safe isn't really that safe. And though it may be a weird product, it doesn't seem to be a good one. I guess I never really said that the product itself had to be good. Just weird. Yeah, today's just weird products. If it were good products, they'd all be like this next one, which involves free nachos and a free couch. If you don't already have one, here's the author to introduce it. Hi, I'm Ben. And I'm April. Hi, I'm Kelly. And I'm 10 years old. We live in Illinois. And this is our story. The zinc sink with the kink and airplane problem. Ah, there. My brand new zinc sink is installed. Gary, did you say zinc sink? What's that? A sink that's made out of zinc? Why, yes, it is, Barbara. Oh, I like that. It's pink. Thanks. Now that that's done, I can get back to whatever it was I was doing before all this. Oh, no. My zinc zink has a kink in its link. You mean your pipe burst? No, I mean my zinc zink has a kink in its link. I hope I can fix it, but now instead of doing that, I'm gonna watch tv. You will see the answer to today's problem on the game show. That's a game show right after this commercial break. Do you want to get your zinc sink fixed? Maybe it has a kink in the link of the zinc. Yes. How did you know? How did they know? Then give us a call. The zinc sink with the kink in the link. Fixers call 555-555-55-5555 and we'll fix your kinked link. Zinc. Zinc. Call now. Hey, that's a good idea. I'll call them. Ring, ring, ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. You know, you don't have to say ring. I know that. But it makes them pick up faster. Well, I don't know if that's true. Hello. See? Hi. I have a pink zinc sink that has a kink in its link that I think needs fixin. Wow, you two sure are in sync. Literally. Oh, man. Cause you fix sinks. Oh, that's good. I love that. Fixing a zinc sink with a kink in the link will cost you one gazillion dollars. One gazillion? Okay, I'll pay you when the sink is fixed. You drive a hard bargain, but okay. We'll be over soon. Byeeee. Byeeee. Don't you think a gazillion dollars is a bit steep? They're here. Wow, that was fast. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. You don't have to say ding dong. Yeah, but it makes it go faster. Hello, Si. Hello. I'm Lance. And I'm Joey. And we're here to fix the zinc sink with a kink and its link. Right this way. That stinky pink zinc sink with the kink and its link is down the hall to the right. Okay, thanks. We'll get right to it. You can just sit back, relax, and eat nachos on the couch. We will do the rest. Eat nachos? But I don't have any nachos. This can only mean that I now have to help you and I don't even know how. It's gonna be boring and hard. I can tell. Is that what that means? Relax. Giving people free nachos is part of our customer service application. Really? Really. Really. Also, we give people free couches if they don't have a couch. Do you have a couch? Yes, I do. Oh, well, okay. Here's your nachos. Yum. We'll get to work. We're done. And don't worry, we have really bad news. Don't worry. I think your pink zinc zinc with a kink in its link, from which you drink, I'm assuming, cannot be fixed. Aw, man. But you can get a new one for only three gazillion dollars. Three gazillion. Sold. Okay, here we go. Okay, the new one is installed. Great. Here's your three gazillion dollars. Thanks so much. Okay then, baby. Bye. Bye. Bye. Huh. They really were in sync. Oh, Barbara, I love my new sink. And I think we can both agree that this is the most financially sound decision I've ever made. You know, Gary, I sometimes wonder how you manage to keep yourself from oh no. What is it? I accidentally gave them four gazillion dollars. Gary My zinc. Zinc. You should have taken the freak out. When you're right, you're right. The end. We'll be right back after a few words over the grown UPS As a podcast network, our first priority has always been audio and the stories we're able to share with you. But at Realm, we also sell some pretty cool merch and organizing that was made both possible and easy with Shopify. When you think about successful businesses like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, an often overlooked secret is the business behind the business that makes selling and for shoppers buying simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. That's because nobody does selling better than Shopify. It's the home of the number one checkout on the planet. And the not so secret secret that's definitely worth talking about is that shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%. That's more happy customers and way more sales going. If you're hoping to grow your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout we use with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com realm all lowercase go to shopify.com realm to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com realm aren't adventurers supposed to have a specific purpose? What are you doing on this quest? Just meeting strangers? Yep, my purpose is to have no purpose, though I sort of find purpose as I go. My basket. It's missing. I have tried many means of defense, but none have yet proven successful. I just wish someone would succeed in getting that darn sword. I am under attack by this ruffian. I want to be big and strong and fight evil. I have hope that if you show up at her door, she might listen. Want to help me? Yell at them with your sword in a threatening manner. Sidequesting is a fantasy podcast about avoiding the main plot. It follows Ryan, an adventurer who's willing to help just about anyone out as long as they're not being asked to deal with that scary wizard everyone keeps talking about. Subscribe today on your favorite podcast app. Oh hey, welcome back. We've got time for one more decart. And as we often do at the ends of these decart episodes, it's an oldie but a goodie. Taking us all the way back to our live radio show days. This one has a very special place in my heart. Peter recently said to me, I think this may be the best story we ever did see. If you agree, from a third grader named Elizabeth in Texas, here is raccoon sensor. Father, I have grave news. It's about the trash cans. Do not tell me those raccoons knocked them over again. Then you have condemned me to silence father. For I thought with my own two eyes. Nature's bandits at work. Oh fie. If those trashed trash cans aren't put back promptly, the garbage men will pass us over once more, leaving us another week behind. These trash cans are all a askew. Next house. Don't tell me it's too late. Father, you have condemned me to silence once again. There's got to be a better way. Now there is. Huh? Raccoon sensor. It's a sensor that senses raccoons. What's that name again? Raccoon sensor. Does it limit the free speech of raccoons? Get out of here old man. Raccoon sensor. It senses raccoons and then goes to work. It releases a horrible noise that drives the raccoons crazy and makes them run away without knocking any trash cans over. I don't know if I believe you. Here, listen to this recording of actors pretending to be raccoons. We certainly are raccoons. Nature's bandits. Say, let's go knock over some trash cans. Raccoon sensor activated. Hum. Ah, it's emitting a terrible noise. It's like a ghost whispering my name. Lets get out of here. Careful about those trash cans. Wouldn't want to knock them over. Ha ha. Well if that isn't proof, I don't know what is. I still don't know. Still not sold. We asked exactly five people if the raccoon sensor worked and they all said yes. Five out of five people. Here, listen to this testimonial. Well sure it works, but at what cost? I mean, we gotta think about the ramifications of what we're playing. See? A glowing recommendation. Alright, I'm sold. I can't wait to get back to living life to the fullest. Don't let those raccoons get to your last nerve. Order raccoon sensor. The sensor that senses raccoons. It's only $15. Raccoon sensor is only $5. It's also available in stores. Not available in stores. Act quick. This offer ends in December of 2015. Offer expires in March 2009. If you don't like it. You can call and get your money back. You will not get your money back. Call now. This call is free. This call is not free. Thanks for listening to today's bonus episode. We'll be back soon with another one for you. Until then, stay creative and stay kind by.