Transcript
Lee (0:01)
Hey, Story Pirates podcast listeners. Lee here coming at you with a very special bonus episode. We'll be back with full brand new episodes in a few weeks and in the meantime, I'm very excited to revive our Deep Cuts series, Grown Ups. Did you know that ads only cover a small portion of what it costs to make this show? That's right. So if you'd like to help us keep making it, consider supporting Story Pirates by becoming a Creator Club member. There are so many perks, including the ad free version of the show. Premium members even get to participate in a quarterly video meetup with myself and Peter where we create a brand new story together for the podcast. But most of all, Creator Club members help us support the cost of the show so we can keep bringing it to you every week. If you're already a Creator Club member, thank you so much. And if you want to join, you can do so by visiting storypirates.com creatorclub or subscribing right in Apple Podcasts, get excited for some of the weirdest and funniest stories from the Story Pirates archive. And this week, they're all about love. Coming up right after a few words for the Grown Ups.
Jordan (1:20)
I love storytelling. I'm very different from everybody. Confusion is the step before curiosity. Okay, that's a really funny idea. We have to send that in. I just get some joy when I hear other people giggling. I believe all the things in my story. Human beings are just able to create the Story Pirates.
Lee (1:48)
Welcome back to Story Pirates Decompos, where we celebrate our favorite and weirdest stories from the Story Pirates archives. And today's Decoyst episode is all about love. Now, you may be thinking that you totally understand what I mean by love, but in the Story Pirates universe, love can mean so many different things. It could mean loving another person, of course, or an animal, but it could also mean falling deeply in love with a biogeochemical cycle that involves the continuous movement of water on, above and below the surface of the earth. And this first story is about just that. Here's the author to introduce it.
Jordan (2:36)
Hi, I'm Jordan. I'm 12 years old and I live in Colorado. This is my story, Dear Water cycle.
Mrs. Hawkins (2:46)
All right, class, this week you will each be working on a science report that you will present to the class on Friday. And before you ask, no, you don't get to choose the subject.
Mrs. Hawkins (2:58)
I can only hear so many presentations on volcanoes. Instead, I will be assigning them at random. And right now, Leonard, Uh huh. Your subject is the states of matter solid or liquid. Or gas.
Leonard (3:11)
Sometimes plasma.
Mrs. Hawkins (3:13)
Jordan, you will be writing about the water cycle.
Andrew (3:18)
Aw, the water cycle is kind of babyish. I'm gonna hate writing a report about it.
Mrs. Hawkins (3:23)
Now, now, you might find you love the water cycle.
Andrew (3:27)
Whatever you say, Mrs. Hawkins.
Mrs. Hawkins (3:29)
Alright, alright. That's the bell. You have your assignments. Remember, these reports are due Friday.
Lee (3:34)
Do you think I should drain rock?
Andrew (3:36)
There's no way I could ever love the water cycle. But time to do some research. I'll start by watching a science video on the computer. Oh, here's one.
Jordan (3:46)
Welcome back to Dorky Science Videos.
Chet Dorky (3:49)
I'm your host, Chet Dorky. Today we're going to talk about the water cycle.
Jordan (3:54)
There are three major ways water moves.
Chet Dorky (3:56)
Through our evaporation, the change of liquid water into vapor.
Andrew (4:01)
Interesting.
Jordan (4:02)
Condensation, the change from vapor back into liquid water.
Chet Dorky (4:06)
And precipitation, which you may know as.
Jordan (4:10)
Rain, snow or hail.
Chet Dorky (4:11)
Wow, it's so beautiful, isn't it?
Jordan (4:14)
Oh, the water cycle never ends. Water is always moving through our world and through our hearts.
Andrew (4:21)
Huh. That Chet Dorky seems to really love the water cycle. I guess I should start writing. What is the water cycle? Oh, it's starting to rain outside. It's so funny how the water cycle does that. I guess it's sort of cute and endearing. Oh, it's getting colder and starting to hail. How strong and independent. Oh, it's starting to snow. Watching water change between its different states is making me feel a lot of things.
Chet Dorky (4:52)
Oh, wow.
Andrew (4:54)
I never thought it would happen to me, but I think I'm in love.
Leonard (5:01)
Jordan, get off the table. This is the library.
Andrew (5:04)
But Leonard, I'm in love.
Lee (5:06)
Aw, who's the lucky person?
Andrew (5:08)
The water cycle.
Leonard (5:10)
What? Jordan, you can't fall in love with an earth science principle.
Andrew (5:14)
I can't fight this feeling, Leonard. I'm going to walk home in the snow to spend some some time with my love.
Leonard (5:21)
But school isn't over yet. It's only. Ha ha.
Jordan (5:26)
Jordan, it's time for dinner. Coming, Mom.
Leonard (5:29)
Hey, kiddo. How was school?
Andrew (5:31)
It was fine. Dad, can I ask you a question?
Andrew (5:34)
How did you two know you were in love?
Jordan (5:36)
Oh, well, I met your father when we were in the same math class.
Leonard (5:41)
Your mother and I have always shared.
Jordan (5:42)
A love of algebra and, well, I don't know. We fell in love.
Leonard (5:46)
We sure did.
Jordan (5:47)
Why do you ask, dear? Is there someone special in your class?
Andrew (5:50)
No. Well, yes. Well, I don't know.
Leonard (5:53)
What does your heart tell you?
Andrew (5:54)
It's telling me that I'm in love.
Jordan (5:57)
Aw, that's so cute.
Leonard (5:59)
Who's the lucky person.
Andrew (6:00)
The water cycle.
Leonard (6:04)
Jordan, do you mean to tell me that you've fallen in love with the cycle of processes by which water moves through our planet?
Andrew (6:12)
And it feels so right.
Jordan (6:14)
Well, hon, you're a human and the water cycle is. Well, the water cycle.
Leonard (6:20)
So we don't think it's a good idea.
Andrew (6:22)
I thought you'd be supportive.
Leonard (6:24)
You can't fall in love with a cycle of processes.
Andrew (6:27)
The water cycle infiltrated my heart like water infiltrates soil and rocks in the earth's crust. But you probably would never understand.
Andrew (6:35)
Sorry, Mom, I have a report to write. I'm going to my room.
Lee (6:39)
Sorry, I forgot you invented love.
Leonard (6:44)
We handled that well. Right?
Mrs. Hawkins (6:48)
Okay, class, we're ready for your reports on random science subjects. You will now present your. Oh, Jordan, I love the confidence. Please present your report.
Andrew (6:59)
Okay, here goes nothing. Dear Water Cycle, over the past weeks, I've learned so much about you. And I've realized that I love you. I didn't want to believe it at first, but I just couldn't contain it. From the moment I found out we would be taking our first notes on you, I felt something.
Mrs. Hawkins (7:22)
Are you okay?
Andrew (7:23)
Jordan, I absolutely love how you make it rain. Snow and hail. It overcomes my soul. Your rain becomes runoff and, oh, dear me, I. I'm not sure I can go on without falling for you even more. I remember all those moments when people were embarrassed to even say your name. But I think the best thing that ever happened to this world was water cycle themed, dorky science videos. Water cycle. The way you condense, evaporate rain. It's honestly overwhelming. It's the best magic trick ever performed. I have to say. Thank you for making my life 10 times brighter and making my brain twice the size from your knowledge. I love you.
Jordan (8:35)
That was beautiful.
Mrs. Hawkins (8:37)
Thank you, Jordan, for that beautiful report. Well, this is why I started teaching.
Andrew (8:42)
Thanks, Mrs. Hawkins.
Jordan (8:43)
Oh, Jordan, that was beautiful.
Andrew (8:45)
Mom, dad, we're so proud of you.
Jordan (8:47)
We talked about it and we support you, Jordan.
Leonard (8:50)
That's right. And I can't wait to meet this water cycle.
Andrew (8:53)
Oh, look, it's starting to rain outside. I love you, water Cycle.
Leonard (8:58)
And I love you, Jordan.
Andrew (9:01)
Water Cycle.
Lee (9:06)
Well, well, well. That was indeed a story. Pirates. It was absolutely beautiful. An epic love story for the ages. Now, what other kinds of love can we do a story about? How about something more conventional, like, I don't know, loving cats. But let's wrap it in an epic adventure. Animal Buddy Road trip that actually only mentions love. Once, very briefly, at the very end of the story, here's the author to introduce it.
Jordan (9:37)
Hello, my Name's Andrew. I'm seven years old. I live in Washington, D.C. and this is my story. I love cats.
Emily (9:53)
Is this where Andrew the Cat lives?
Jordan (9:55)
Meow. That's me, Andrew the Cat.
Emily (9:57)
Ah, well, I'm your new mail carrier, so I just wanted to make sure I had your address. Right. Now, let me just check my mailbag here. Looks like you've got no mail, no letters, no invitations, no cards. Andrew, don't you have any friends?
Jordan (10:11)
No. I don't see what the big deal is. Why is having friends so important? I am perfectly happy all by myself.
Emily (10:19)
Well, makes my job easier. Goodbye, Andrew.
Jordan (10:22)
Friends? Who needs them anyway? Let's see what's on tv.
Lee (10:26)
And that's all for tonight's evening news.
Leonard (10:29)
Wait a minute.
Leonard (10:30)
There's an intruder breaking into our new studio right now.
Lee (10:34)
I'm currently being asked to hand over my microphone and. Oh, so you're just going to take my microphone?
Leonard (10:39)
Okay, got it. I'm gonna go cower in fear.
Lee (10:41)
For Channel six. This is Chet Beckley saying.
Leonard (10:43)
Mommy. Greetings, puny citizens of the kingdom. It is I, Gibbles the Rhino. I have placed a spell on the king, a spell so powerful that he would practically need a new life just to survive. I am your new ruler. Kneel. Kneel before Gibbles. You there, cameraman. Why are you laughing?
Leonard (11:15)
You're very intimid.
Andrew (11:17)
I am truly scared right now.
Jordan (11:19)
It's just Gibles is such a funny name.
Leonard (11:24)
It's a perfectly normal name. Stop laughing. Guys, bring this cameraman to the dungeon.
Jordan (11:30)
Wait, what?
Andrew (11:31)
No, you can't. Who will man the camera?
Jordan (11:34)
Who will man the camera?
Chet Dorky (11:38)
Oh, no.
Jordan (11:39)
What am I gonna do now? I know what you could do, mail carrier. What are you doing in my window?
Emily (11:45)
Oh, well, you were my last stop for the day, and then you turned on your TV and I could see it right through the window. Meh, you know how it goes. Anyway, don't you have nine lives? What with being a cat and all, you could give the king one of your nine lives.
Jordan (11:57)
Ah, well, I suppose I could. No. But then I'd have to go outside and see people and talk to them.
Emily (12:03)
Look, suit yourself. But it seems to me like the almighty king's in trouble and you're the only person in the whole kingdom who can help. So, you know, you could help, or you could stay here with your. No mail. Your call.
Jordan (12:13)
Fine. Okay. I guess I'll help the king. I just gotta make my way to the castle, which is just past the forest. To the forest? I think I'm lost.
Jordan (12:26)
Let's see. Okay, if the sun's over there and moss is growing on this side of the trees, then I think north must be an elephant.
Chet Dorky (12:38)
Can I help you?
Jordan (12:39)
Oh, you. You scared me. Who are you?
Chet Dorky (12:42)
My name is Ellie, and I'm an elephant. Also. I'm the smartest animal in the world.
Jordan (12:47)
Well, I'm Andrew the cat, and I. Sorry about that, Hairball.
Chet Dorky (12:55)
Yuck. Hey, you look kind of lost. Need anything?
Jordan (12:58)
Uh, no. Definitely not.
Chet Dorky (13:00)
Are you sure? Cause it kind of looks like you don't know where you're going.
Jordan (13:03)
Well, I know where I'm going, okay? I just don't know how to get there. I'm going to the castle to give the king one of my nine lives.
Chet Dorky (13:11)
That's a big. Can I come with you?
Jordan (13:13)
You know, it's really more of a solo mission, so if you could just give me directions, that'd be great.
Chet Dorky (13:19)
Oh, I understand. You just head up this path, then it's a right, then a left, then a left, then a right. Bear left of the fork, then give a fork to the bear. He never has enough utensils.
Jordan (13:26)
Ah. You know what? Maybe you should just come with me.
Leonard (13:30)
All right?
Mrs. Hawkins (13:31)
Let's go.
Jordan (13:33)
Hey, weird question. Does your mail carrier ever see to hang out in your window and just, like, chat?
Chet Dorky (13:41)
I think I hear something.
Jordan (13:45)
Look, it's a dragon. Run away.
Chet Dorky (13:49)
Wait, no. I think she's crying. Excuse me. Is everything okay?
Jordan (13:54)
What? Oh, yes, I'm okay. Thank you for asking. This rhino named Gibles asked my brother to help him, and now I think he's in trouble. Did you say Gibbles the rhino? We're on our way to stop him now.
Chet Dorky (14:07)
You should come with us. Maybe we can help your brother, too.
Jordan (14:10)
Whoa. Sidebar. Ellie, are you really sure you wanna invite this dragon along with us? We don't know her. She could be anyone. She could be as tricky and treacherous as a snake.
Jordan (14:23)
Oh, sorry, snake. Didn't see you there.
Leonard (14:26)
No one ever does.
Chet Dorky (14:28)
Okay? Yes, Emily could be anyone. But everyone's an anyone, Andrew. You just won't know until you meet them.
Jordan (14:34)
Fine. Sidebar, over.
Chet Dorky (14:36)
Hey, Emily, could you give us a ride?
Jordan (14:38)
Why don't you two climb on my back and we'll fly right up to the castle? All right, well, then I'll just use my cat claws to climb up on top of you.
Chet Dorky (14:48)
Okay, my turn. I'll just jump on your back. Emily, Are you okay?
Jordan (14:54)
I'm fine. Let's just fly to the castle as fast as possible. Okay. Here we go.
Jordan (15:03)
Flying is so much fun.
Chet Dorky (15:06)
Who would have ever thought an elephant could fly?
Jordan (15:09)
Wait, didn't they make a whole movie about that?
Chet Dorky (15:11)
I don't own a tv.
Jordan (15:13)
And we're here. Oh, wow. We're on top of the tallest tower in the castle.
Chet Dorky (15:20)
Look in that window. It's the king. And he's in bed because of the spell.
Jordan (15:25)
Let's all climb through the window. I'll go first.
Chet Dorky (15:28)
Um, Andrew, I know that was easy for you because you're a cat, but this is a tiny, tiny window, and I don't know if an elephant like me is gonna fit.
Jordan (15:36)
Come on, Ellie. Just try it.
Chet Dorky (15:37)
Okay, here I go. I made it. Okay, Emily, your turn.
Jordan (15:43)
All right, I better grease up. Does anyone have any butter? Oh, Emily, come on. Okay. Okay. I did it. Thanks for believing in me. Okay, now to save the king. All right. Here goes nothing. I'm gonna lick my little paw and then touch his forehead.
Leonard (16:06)
Boop. What?
Leonard (16:07)
What? Where am I? What happened? And why is my forehead wet?
Jordan (16:10)
Uh. Your Highness, my name is Andrew the Cat. You were put under a spell, and I just gave you one of my nine lives.
Leonard (16:18)
That was very brave of you and your two. How could I ever repay you?
Jordan (16:23)
Oh, actually, I'm gonna stop you there. I don't have any friends. These are just some other animals I met, and we're, you know, sharing an experience, and I enjoy spending time with them, and I really care about them, and. Hey, wait a minute. I guess they are my friends. Well, you, Highness, meet my new friends, Ellie the elephant and Emily the dragon.
Leonard (16:48)
What's this?
Jordan (16:49)
Look, It's Gibbles the rhino. And my brother, James.
Leonard (16:53)
Hey, sis. I'm bad. Now, who dares awaken the king from his slumber?
Jordan (16:58)
And how I gave him one of my nine lives?
Leonard (17:01)
Who are you?
Jordan (17:02)
I'm Andrew the cat.
Leonard (17:04)
Meru. Well, I am Gibbles the rhino of the house. Parissodatilla first of his name. The unburnt King of. What's so funny?
Jordan (17:16)
I'm sorry. It's just Gibbles is such a funny name.
Leonard (17:22)
Why you. Not so fast, Magic. Whoa. You just hit me and James with your magic, and I feel different. I feel good. Hey, everybody. James and I are good again. Hey, sis. I'm good now. Oh, yay. Now, I do believe that some rewards are in order. Emily, we all know that dragons use their breath to cook their food. For instance, pizza. That must be exhausting. So here is a spell that will allow you to cook anything.
Jordan (17:57)
Wow. Thanks, you, Highness. I love cooking.
Leonard (17:59)
I love dragons. Ellie the elephant. Here is a spell that will turn anything that is not living into peace. Peanuts.
Chet Dorky (18:07)
Peanuts. That's my favorite food. I love peanuts.
Leonard (18:10)
I love elephants. And Andrew, for giving me one of your nine lives and saving the kingdom. Here is a spell that will turn anything that is not a living thing into yarn.
Jordan (18:20)
That's my favorite thing to play with.
Leonard (18:23)
I love yarn.
Jordan (18:25)
How did you know?
Leonard (18:26)
Just a guess. Because I love cats.
Jordan (18:33)
You know, I think I finally figured it out. Having friends is good because friends help each other. I'm glad I made all these new friends today.
Emily (18:43)
Boy, what a satisfying ending.
Jordan (18:45)
Ah, mail carrier. What are you doing in the window?
Emily (18:49)
Well, after you left, I didn't really have anything to do. And then you went on this adventure and I really wanted to see how it ended. Eh, you know how it goes.
Leonard (18:55)
But how did you make it all the way through the forest, climb all the way up the tallest tower of the whole castle, and squeeze our way through the tiny, tiny window?
Emily (19:02)
Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat nor tiny windows stays this courier from the swift completion of his appointed rounds.
Leonard (19:09)
Do you have any mail for me? No. Oh, man.
Jordan (19:12)
The end. We'll be right back after a few words for the grown. UPS.
Chet Beckley (19:19)
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Leonard (20:42)
Aren't adventurers supposed to have a specific purpose? What are you doing on this quest? Just meeting strangers.
Leonard (20:50)
My purpose is to have no purpose.
Chet Dorky (20:52)
Though I sort of find purpose as I go.
Leonard (20:56)
My basket.
Emily (20:59)
I have tried many means of defense, but none have yet proven successful.
Leonard (21:03)
I just wish someone would succeed in.
Jordan (21:05)
Getting that darn sword.
Leonard (21:07)
I am under attack by this ruffian.
Chet Dorky (21:10)
I want to be big and strong and fight evil.
Jordan (21:13)
I have hope that if you show up at her door, she might listen.
Chet Dorky (21:18)
Want to help me? Yell at them with your sword in a threatening manner.
Leonard (21:25)
Sidequesting is a fantasy podcast about avoiding the main plot. It follows Ryan, an adventurer who's willing.
Chet Dorky (21:31)
To help just about anyone out, as.
Leonard (21:33)
Long as they're not being asked to.
Jordan (21:35)
Deal with that scary wizard everyone keeps talking about.
Chet Dorky (21:39)
Subscribe today on your favorite podcast app.
Lee (21:44)
Oh, hey. Welcome back to DeepCorts. We've got time for one more today about love. And this time, I wanted to go way, way, way, way, way, way back into the Story Pirates archives. All the way back to the early years. In fact, this next story has never been heard before on the podcast. It harkens back to our live radio show we did many, many, many years ago. Some of you probably weren't even born when we did this. This story has another unique take on love. It's about ghosts, loving ghosts. From a second grader in Maryland named Alexander. Here's Cupid and the.
Leonard (22:36)
Hello, class. Welcome to Ghostology 101. I'm a professor of ghostology. Today's lesson is all about ghosts and also love. Um, Professor? Yes? Do you have a question? Yeah. Do ghosts fall in love? Ah, a very good question indeed. Allow me to answer your question with a. Once upon a time, there were two ghosts. Hello. I'm a Halloween ghost. I'm also a Halloween ghost. Well, isn't that something? And indeed, it was something. For you see, Halloween ghosts usually only come out on Halloween. But the good ones also come out on Valentine's Day. And these two ghosts were among the best. What do you know? Today is Valentine's Day. Yay. Let's go to the park. Okay, but how will we. Let's slowly hover. And slowly hover they did, until at last, they arrived at the park, invisible to everyone. Hey, toss me that frisbee.
Leonard (23:36)
Whoa. What a great park.
Lee (23:37)
Hey, Wendy, did you see that?
Lee (23:39)
Over there. Don't you see?
Leonard (23:41)
Nothing's happening.
Mrs. Hawkins (23:42)
Curtis, why would you even bother to say that out loud?
Leonard (23:45)
I'm under a lot of pressure at work. Wendy, you see, those normal people couldn't see the ghost. The only people who could see them were magical creatures like Cupid. Boy, I sure am Cupid. And I sure am a magical creature. Being Cupid. Sure is a tough job, flying around all day making people fall in love. If I didn't have these adorable wings growing out of my spine, I don't know what I'd. What's this? Is that two ghosts I see? I'd better hit them with my love arrows and make them fall in love. I am Cupid, after all. All right, Here goes.
Leonard (24:23)
Oh, no. The arrow went straight through the ghost.
Lee (24:26)
And hit that lady.
Mrs. Hawkins (24:28)
I think I'm in love with you.
Leonard (24:30)
Wendy, don't play this game with me. You know I'm. Ow. I think I'm in love with you too. Yikes. That was a close one. I'm gonna have to keep flying around and shooting. Shooting arrows at these ghosts and fly around. He did. He kept flying up and up and up and up. Um, Professor? Uh, yes, what is it? How come he was shooting arrows at ghosts if they ain't got no bodies? Uh, yes. Well, before we continue with the story, I'd like to take a moment to tell you a little bit about ghosts. You see, the only solid part of a ghost which could be hit by one of Cupid's arrows is the core of a ghost. Huh? Professor, what is it? What's a core? Is it like an apple? Y core? Are you. Si. Alright. Well, it's like where they keep their spirits. It's also incredibly small. About one half of one quarter of a centimeter. It's very hard to hit.
Lee (25:29)
Professor, What?
Leonard (25:31)
What are these ghosts names? I almost forgot to mention. These ghosts were named Mr. Spirit and Ms. Spirit. Alright, are there any more questions? Yeah, I'm Professor. No more questions. Back to the story. Up and up and up. Cupid tried 100 times to hit them with his love arrows. But the arrows kept missing their core and hitting the people in the park. Everybody in the park was falling in love. Listen, I know you're an old woman and I'm just an oak tree, But I think the two of us could be very happy together. How come you're alive? I love you. Thank you so much. Until finally, Cupid shot a love arrow that hit Mr. Spirit directly in his core. Ow. Yes, I'm the best. I feel strange. I think. Yes, I think. What is it, Mr. Spirit? I think I'm in love with you. Oh, dude, gross. No, no, no. There are hearts in my eyes. Will you marry me? No way. We're ghosts. We can't get. Ow. I'm awesome. There are hearts in my eyes. Now let's get married. And so they got ghost married in an old spooky church. I'm a zombie at a ghost wedding. In Africa, no less. Someplace called Legend Graveyard. Sounds scary, doesn't it? But actually, no, it's nice. Oh, what a nice neighborhood. And so the two ghosts settled down and lived in Mr. Spirit's tomb. Where they had to 20 ghost babies who looked like tiny marshmallows. Yeah. Professor, what is it? What happened to Cupid? I have no idea what happened to him. Professor, what do you want? Can I go to the bathroom? No, you have to wait until the end of the story. Which is right now. The end.
Lee (27:28)
That's it for today's decoy episode. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with another one for ya. Until then, stay creative and stay kind.