Kayla Jade (0:00)

Welcome back to another episode of Storytime with Kayla Jade. I want to put a disclaimer on this video because I know eating disorders can be very triggering to some people and the last thing I want to do is trigger anyone. So if you are in any way, shape or form not in the right mind to listen to this content, I will meet you back next episode. And we're going to be talking about anorexia, bulimia, disordered eating. If you're not in the right state, please skip this episode. My client booked the most. Get ready. Oh, my God, you guys still pack. My guys probably think I'm so ballsy right now sitting next to this fireplace again. But I made sure the wood was completely removed from the area, so it's all the way over there. So hopefully no spiders are going to come flying at me again. I'm sitting here. I've got my little cup that I got from the markets. I don't know if you saw my tik tok, but I showed that I got all this pottery that this woman made from the markets. And like, how cute is this cup? It's got cats all over it. It was only $10. Everything that I got from there was $10, which I think it's worth way more than $10. But yeah, I'm actually really excited. Like, I can't really think of anything else right now because I have my literal dream girl coming on the podcast on Monday. She I'm going to fly to Sydney and go record her and then fly back home. And I am so excited about it because she is literally like my idol in this industry. Like, I look up to her so much. I've hired out this little cute little old school bar to have her there because I thought it would just be a cute, cozy vibe. So, yeah, I'm so excited. I'm like literally have butterflies thinking about it. Like, I can't stop thinking about it. But yeah, today we're talking about something a little dark. I feel like every episode you just get get another layer of Kayla like peeled off and like, we're just unraveling more and more, which is like, I think like, for me it's good, it's therapeutic. But also I think it's good to just educate people because some people are just aren't aware. Especially today we're talking a lot about mental health and eating disorders. And I feel like a lot of people find it hard to understand what it's like in with someone who's in that state of mind. So I want to talk about my journey with that today. I was even contemplating not doing this episode just because I know it can be triggering to a lot of people. But unfortunately, this was a big part of my life, so I feel like I should share it with you guys. And I just. I just love opening up to you guys. It's like I said, it's therapeutic, so I enjoy doing it. But, yeah, I grew up in a time where there was a lot of toxic media. Celebrities were constantly berated in magazines of them being too fat or too skinny. They could never catch a break. They were always just. Media was just constantly commenting on women's bodies and it was just. It was such a horrible time for women. I think it's important to talk about because I fear that skinny culture is becoming a trend again. Like, ozempic is huge. Anyone can lose weight super quickly and easily. And I mean, even if it doesn't come back as, like, how anorexia was big in those days, but I feel like it would come back in other ways as well. Like, you know, just becoming obsessed with body image and how they perceive themselves and disorder behaviors. So I really fear for how things are going to progress with, like, the trend that is, like, you know, celebrities losing a lot of weight and becoming skinny again and skinny being like the new thing again. Whereas, like, for a while it was like, okay, like, there's a lot of thicker girls. Like, thick's becoming a trend and now it's gone back to, like, skinny. So, yeah, I think it's important that we talk about it and educate on how dangerous it can be. So I remember the first time that. That I had a sort of my first ever experience with like, an eating disorder behavior. I would have been. I was a child. I would have been eight, maybe 10. And I remember seeing or hearing on the show that, oh, you can get skinny by putting your fingers down your throat. And I didn't really know what that meant, but I tried it and, like, nothing came out. But I remember trying it and thinking like, oh, that's weird. Like, I didn't really understand it at the time. And my eating disorder didn't come until years later. But that was just like my first exposure to it. So I was 15 at the time that my eating disorder became a full blown eating disorder. I was dating a guy who was well into their 20s, which, it's funny, when you're a literal child and you're dating someone who is way older than you, you think, oh, my gosh, like, I must be so cool. Like, they like me and they want to spend time with me. Whereas, like, that guy only wants to spend time with you because he can't get girls around his own age, and he's a fucking loser. What kind of person wants to hang out with a literal child or, like, have a relationship, a sexual relationship with a literal child? Like, what is wrong with you? I just, like. It's funny, you think, like, when you're young, you're like, oh, he's so cool. Like, he's this. But when you get older, you're just like, what the fuck was he doing? And why? Like, was that normal? You know, obviously, like, I kept this relationship to myself. I didn't really tell my parents about it. You know, I just. I don't know. It made me feel special being in this relationship with this old man. Like, obviously, I had a lot of trauma from that time. So I think there was a few things that may have caused my eating disorder, and I think that was definitely one of them because it was a very traumatic DV relationship. We can talk about that in another episode. But, yeah, I had just broken up. Well, was in a relationship with this guy. It ended traumatically. He ended up cheating on me or something. We broke up. And also at the time was around the time that my parents split up. Like, they were never fully happy, like, throughout my life, but they were just, you know, together, because it's easy. At that time was the initial, like, okay, we're actually, like, splitting up. So there was that, as well as my grandma dying at this around that time as well. So there was a few major key factors, what I think contributed to the eating disorder. Not only things in the media, but also these, like, traumatic experiences. And it's funny because, like, it was only when I was, like, thinking about what I'm going to say for this episode, like, talking about the eating disorder, because I really have to, like, think about it before I talk about it. Otherwise I'll miss pieces. I'll forget pieces because of my adhd. So I really had to think about what I was going to say, and then I was like, holy, this is probably what caused the eating disorder. Like, I was like, oh, maybe it's a me problem. Because, like, I know, like, a lot of people with adhd, it's, you know, a lot of people with ADHD do struggle with eating disorder behaviors. They can do as well. So I was like, okay, that's probably it. And I was like, hold the on. I had this, like, traumatic DV relationship that I didn't really talk about. Never really, you Know, talked about that trauma. That was probably the core reason why I developed this eating disorder. And it wasn't until, like, I literally was thinking about it the other day that I was like, yeah, that's probably the cause of it. How crazy is that? It's like, girl, do some therapy or some shit. So I'm 15. I also start my first job, which is at a supermarket. I work in, like, the deli section, you know, where they get, like, they hand out the ham and the meat. I was working there for a bit, and then I got, like, promoted to the seafood manager. So I was managing women while in their 40s when I was like 15. I don't know how I got that role. But anyway, I was working this job and I was also in school at the same time and working this job. I was just trying to get as many hours as I could, mainly because, like, I love getting money. Like, I wanted money. And also, I guess I think it was just a way to, you know, not think about what was actually going on in my life or just a distraction from all the traumatic things that was happening. So I started working, like a ton of hours at work. And I think I remember just becoming so obsessed with healthy eating. Like, it started with. It didn't start with just not eating anything. It started with this obsession with healthy eating and exercising. I would be exercising five or six hours a day. I would get up super early, bike to the gym, do like a massive hit training workout, which is like a high intensity workout, do weights there, bike home and then go to work and be like, I would go to work at like 5am or something because. Or maybe even earlier because I was the seafood manager. So I had to get up really early. I would go there and would just work. And then even on my lunch breaks, I would literally go on a power walk. Like, I was just so obsessed. Even after work, just I would. Any chance I could, I would be exercising. And if I didn't exercise, which I met that that was my top priority. Nothing came before my exercise. And I would also just eat pretty much just fruit. I would eat like a grapefruit for breakfast, some fruit for lunch, and then like steamed vegetables for dinner, which I thought, like, I'm being so healthy, like just eating fruits and vegetables at the time as well. There was a big, you know, fear of, like, carbs. Like, carbs was like, such a bad thing. I remember, you know, those bikini body challenges, the Kayla Etsteins and the, you know, those sort of woman who started those, like, challenges of, like, Eating a thousand calories a day. And if you eat any more than that, like, you're gonna be fat. And, like, doing these insane workouts. Like, it was just like assessed pool at the time for just ed culture. Like, it just made, like, things made it so easy. Easy to have an eating disorder. So I became so obsessed with exercise, eating healthy. Also, my grades in school was, like, randomly got really, like, randomly. My grades were, like, excellent because so in primary school, I always, like, I struggled throughout primary school and intermediate. I struggled because I think my adhd, I found it so hard to focus at the time. I wasn't aware that I had adhd. It wasn't until high school and the eating disorder came that I became so obsessed, obsessed with the study that I was getting high grades. And I think as well, it was another. I felt in, like, I felt like I was in control because I could by not eating. It was like, I feel so, like, good and like, these grades, I'm like, getting validation from these good grades. And, you know, they're distracting me from eating and work's distracting me from eating. And, you know, it was just. It was a bad time. I remember there were, like, these online forums where lots of girls with eating disorders would talk about their eating disorders and the way they would, you know, go about their day. They were called, like, Anna for anorexia and Mia for bulimia, and people would talk about it. I wasn't really into those forums, but what I did love doing was watching YouTubes of, like, what I eat in a day and people. People just eating in general. I would just consume that content because it was like they were eating for me. I didn't have to eat because I was watching them. I just became so obsessed with food. Like, it was just such an unhealthy relationship with food. Like, all I could think about was food. But then I wasn't eating. I was watching these people eat, but I wasn't eating myself. I had. By this point, I had dropped a significant amount of weight. My friends and family could not recognize me. I would avoid going to social events. Like, I would avoid hanging out with my friends if I knew there was going to be food involved. I was still social, though. Like, I would go to parties and things because I knew that was a controlled environment for me. Like, I knew there wasn't going to be food at parties. People were drinking. I would take things so I didn't have to drink alcohol. I would take party stuff. And that was my, you know, I'm having fun. Like, I'm with my friends. Like, I think I'm normal, even though I'm not. Of course my family tried to help me. They tried as much as they could. But you cannot help someone in that state of mind. Someone like that becomes the master of all tricks. You learn ways to make people think that you're okay. Like, I would trigger warning as well. I would, like, you know, pretend like I'm making food and then go, pretend like I'm eating it and then hide it. Or, like, hide things in my pockets, pretend like I'm eating it. Even got to bulimia at some stage. It was just something that fully consumed me. It was all I could think about. And I was the master of making people think that I was okay because I would talk so normally about it. And I mean, in my head I thought I was okay because I was, you know, I knew I was exercising a lot, but I thought that was healthy. And I thought that me eating just fruit and vegetables was healthy. I remember because I was living in New Zealand at the time. Obviously I hadn't moved to Australia yet. And I went on a family holiday with my mum and my sister. And they knew, like, at the time, like, it was. It was bad, but you couldn't talk to me about it. I was just so stubborn in my own ways, you know, you just couldn't. You couldn't help me. I was, like, probably 17 by this point, so I was, like. I was almost an adult and I felt like an adult, you know, no one was going to tell me what to do. And I think this holiday, it got so to its worst. Like, one of its worst moments. Because I was so stressed about eating on this holiday. I was secretly exercising before anyone got up, before they even knew I was exercising. So I knew we could, like, go on walks for the day and stuff. I was taking. Going to different chemists and finding certain things to take to, like, flush everything out, which is very dangerous. It's a very dangerous thing to do because that can just throw off your electrolytes and your heart can go completely out, especially if you're dehydrated. Yeah. So, like, it was hard for me. This holiday was really hard. And it's so sad because I couldn't even enjoy this holiday because I was so consumed to food. I was thinking about it. It's all I could think about. All like. Like, I had to stop myself from talking about it because I would constantly think about food. It got so bad that I started developing this peach fuzz here all over my face and body. It's your body's way of. If you're too underweight and you don't have enough fat, it's your body's way of keeping you warm. So I developed this, like, peach fuzz hair all over me, like, overnight. Like, it just came overnight. And I had said that I was a little bit bulimic. Not very much. It was probably once in a blue moon if, like, something happened that I was super uncomfortable with. I felt like I had to do it, unfortunately. But it made me develop these chipmunk cheeks, which, like, so basically, my face was so slender, but I had these bulging lymph nodes of the sides of my face. And it's because even though I was drinking, like, liters and liters of water a day, that wasn't enough because I wasn't giving myself the nutrients I needed. So the body, like, stores water in your lymph nodes when you're super dehydrated. So I just had these bulging lymph nodes, which was really obvious, like, trying to hide them. It was so embarrassing. I had a boyfriend at the time who. I feel bad for him because he. He really saw me at my worst and he didn't really understand what was going on. But I could not have sex with him because sex was just so painful for me. Because I was just so, like, brittle. I couldn't have sex. I couldn't. And, like, my libido, everything was just gone. I hadn't had. By this point, I hadn't had my period for about three years. Like, from the time I was 15 to now 17. I've never had a period in that time. Also, like, this just shows how much damage anorexia eating disorders put on your body. Because I hadn't had my period in three years. I had this peach fuzz on my face, chipmunk cheeks. And also my teeth became translucent. I literally could not. Like, I could see through my teeth. Like, all the calcium, all the nutrients had gone. It's like it happened overnight as well. And at that point I was like, oh, my God, there is something serious. Like, that was the moment for me that I was like, holy fuck, I've gone too far. Like, this has gone too far. And that was at the point where I was like, I actually need to get help. And I wanted to get help. I was like, okay, I need to start eating again. And I remember my mom, like, making me a piece of toast with butter. I don't know what was on it. Butter, venue, my piece of toast. Just one piece of toast. And every Bite just felt like 100 years. Like I was just thinking about it in my head because this was my enemy. Like, carbs were my enemy. I was like, what is this gonna do for my body? It's so unhealthy for my body for me to eat this stuff. And, you know, it was just, it was so hard to eat that piece of bread. Like, so fucking hard. And I would just constantly think about it. So when I had got to the point where you could just. Like, I was so skinny that you could literally see the bones moving in my face when I would talk. You could see all the muscles, tendons in my face. My skin was jaundice, my eyes were yellow, jaundice. And when someone in that state starts eating again, it's very dangerous. Like, you can't just. For someone who's so malnourished, you can't just get them to eat again. So when I ate this piece of bread, my body started malfunctioning. I started getting heart palpitations. My body was just not coping with this nutrients that I had given it. So I basically went into heart failure. And I had to go be rushed to hospital. And as soon as I got to hospital, my body just collapsed. I couldn't walk for a week. I had to learn to, like, slowly get up and walk again. They had me strapped to all these heart monitors. They couldn't. Again, they couldn't feed me straight away because if you feed someone who was so malnourished, their sodium pentas. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I remember from the time. Like, your sodium and potassium ions just like go through the roof. And when they get spiked, that's when you're like, you could have a heart attack if you. It's like prisoners of war. You can't just start feeding them again because they're so malnourished and their body just can't cope with the nourishment. So you have to slowly do it. So I think for the first few days, like, I didn't have food. And they slowly put me like on a high hydrating drip and like a feeding tube and. And that's how I was fed for like the first week. I remember when I got to hospital, this lady I was seeing, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was still in the state of mind. Like, oh, no, like, I'm good, like I'm good, you know, like, I'm so fine. I remember this lady, her name was Shelley. She was a cold ass bitch. She was like the head of eating Disorders in New Zealand. I don't know. She was a specialist for eating disorders. And I remember her sitting me down and saying, you have anorexia. And I didn't believe her. I was literally in shock when she told me that, like, I knew something was wrong. I knew I had gotten to the point where I needed help, but. But I had never associated it with that word, you know, I never put the two together. People always told me like, you know, oh, you're way too skinny or like you're underweight or like, you know, things like that. But they had never really, I guess it had been talked about just the word anorexia. I just didn't relate the two because I thought I was healthy. I was exercising all the time and I was eating like three fruits a day, you know, and. But like when you're eating that fruit and then you're eating like exercising eight hours a day, like, my God, it does a number on your body. So I remember her like telling me that I'm like, what? I was like, there is no way, like, I'm fine. And then so basically I had to stay in hospital for, I think about a month. I, I had to gain weight to get into this eating disorder clinic. And they were basically like, this is what you were doing? Like, I had no choice. I remember like crying to my mum, being like, please, like, I don't want to go to this place, don't take me to this place. But she obviously forced me. Thank you, Mom. And they basically were just like, you have no option. You were like, she was a cold ass. She was like, there was. And the thing is, I feel like people in this, these roles, psychiatrists, psychologists, anyone dealing with mental health, I feel like there should be some like, form of empathy. Like I feel like these professionals a lot of the time have no empathy. And maybe it's the way that they're meant to do it, maybe they're meant to be a cold ass. But I don't know. I feel like a bit of empathy could go a long way because I feel like I could, I could never open up to my psychiatrist, my psychologist. I could never open up to anyone because I didn't want to talk about it because I guess, like I didn't feel comfortable around them because they were fucking stone cold. But yeah, I had to stay in the hospital until I gained weight and then I went to this eating disorder clinic in Wellington Creds, which is like two hours from my hometown. So I go to this, I give in, I go to this clinic. So I end up going to a clinic. But I'll tell you about it in my recovery in part two of this episode.