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Kayla Jade
Welcome back to another episode of Storytime with Kayla Jade. I want to put a disclaimer on this video because I know eating disorders can be very triggering to some people, and the last thing I want to do is trigger anyone. So if you are in any way, shape or form not in the right mind to listen to this content, I will meet you back next episode. And we're going to be talking about anorexia, bulimia, disordered eating. If you're not in the right state, please skip this episode. My client booked the most. Get ready. Oh, my God. You got to pack my bag. Mommy, Mommy. He's thinking about it. No. So there was about six, I think there was six girls at the clinic at a time. And we all had our own rooms, and we, like, the girls there were so lovely. Like, I became so close with these girls. They were all so sweet. They had the most beautiful personality. And we would do things like journaling. We would, like, sit outside and journal, like, and the people who were looking after us, like, the carers or whatever, they would make us sit on pillows so we wouldn't get. Is it piles or hemorrhoids or something, because apparently, like, people with eating disorders, because they're so bony, they, like, prone to getting, like, piles or whatever. So we'd have to sit on these, like, little cushion pillows and, like, do our journaling outside in the sun. And then we would do art classes, which was really fun. Like, I love doing art class. Like, we would do things like, you know, we would paint a start of, like, a person and then would move it around, and each person, like, had to, like, add their little painting to it, and then it would, like, become this beautiful thing. There were so many fun things that I did at creds like that, and I'm a really artsy person, so I just loved doing that. That was very therapeutic for me. I. I wish there was more like, therapy because it wasn't much therapy at the time. So you wouldn't, like, I think twice. I talked to, like, a psychologist, but that was it. Like, most of the time I was talking to the girls, which, when you put a bunch of eating disorder patients together, unfortunately, there's going to be some eating disorder talk, which was very. It could be very triggering. It was very triggering to me especially, like, most of the girls were good, and we knew that we couldn't talk about it. But there was, like, one girl in particular who was very, very triggering. Like, she was very deep into. I think she had struggled, like, from a very young age. Like, Even a child growing up, she always had an eating disorder. And she would do things just like pacing around the place and, and we had these like menus. We would have to select our food for the day. And so you would like, you had all these options. So breakfast, you could pick like cereal, toast, waffles. And like everyone would always pick like, you know, the safest option, the most healthiest. But she would say things like, oh yeah, I get the toast burnt. So like all the crumbs will fall up and it's like less calories because there's less crumbs that you're eating. Like, we started like throughout our time there, we started getting more adventurous and we wanted to try. So like, even times where like, because no one would ever pick the biscuits on the snack menu that was like, no, you pick like yogurt or something. And I remember one girl, like, she was like, you know what, I'm going to pick the biscuits today because I want, I want biscuits. And then the girl said something that like, psyched her out and she didn't end up getting it. It was just like little things that she would say. Like, oh, you know, like if you get the peanut butter, you know, you don't have to get butter on that. So that's like less calories and like, and it's like, no, I want the, I want the butter on it as well as the peanut butter. Okay, like, let me have it. Like, she was just so triggering. And yeah, so there was little things like that that were hard, but it was a very good environment. We would all like because you had to eat six meals a day, which was hard, especially at the start. Everyone would be silent throughout meals, meal time. I remember when I first got there, I had to like, I felt like everyone like had been there for so long and I was like so new. And the first thing I did was like I had to sit down and eat a meal with everyone. Like everyone sat at the table and, and it was just so like silent and awkward and even the carers, like they would sit down and eat the meal with us, which was nice. They were just trying to make it as normal as possible. And I just remember the girls being like so, so obsessed with things being healthy that like even I remember we had like one night a week we would have. Is it nut? What's that canned nut stuff? It's like the vegetarian nut? No, not, not nutmeal. Some sort of like nut based, like substitute for meat. And it was in a can and it was actually really good. But we would have these like, those like vegetarian burgers. And I just remember the girls being like so obsessed with like, like even me, like talking to the dietitian, being like, but it's not healthy though. Like, can we have like carbs that are like, you know, potatoes and kumara and like sweet potato. Can we have those instead of like bread and stuff? Like, just being so obsessed with it. It's like, bread is not bad for you. It is like, it's basically made up of the same. You know what I mean? It was just, it was. We were just so obsessed with it. And I remember thinking at the time, like, yeah, why wouldn't they get us to eat like healthy potatoes and vegetables and stuff? And I'm like, yeah, you are so sick. You're so sick and it's so sad. So I was obviously written with a bunch of eating disorder girls. Shit's gonna get sneaky sometimes. So at night I would be. I would exercise at night in secret. I started doing like push ups and like anything I could, which was like counterintuitive because they would weigh you every morning and if you had not gained weight or if you had lost weight, then they would increase your calories. So there was just no way you could get away with it. And even going to the toilet, like, you would have to. Basically there were cubicles, but there would be someone like in there with you just to make sure you're not purging. So. So there was just. There was no way to win. Because if you were purging, if you were putting rocks in your. Oh, actually, yeah, there were people like, I think like holding rocks in like while they would get weighed. Like, I don't know how they did that because we were just wearing sort of like hospital gowns. But there was just little things like that. But yeah, if you weren't gaining weight, they would just increase your calories, which was way worse. So I immediately stopped the exercising and just stuck to what they asked me to do. And then they put down the calories a bit. But yeah, it was a very weird time because it was like. It was just. It really centered around food. But like, when I started getting healthier, my mind did start working better because when you're at that skinny state, you're just. Your mind is just. It just plays tricks on you. So. So I got to a state where I was feeling a little bit healthier. I was in there for about four months, I think. I think that was sort of the timeframe that they would have you in there. And then you're sort of meant to go out as like an outpatient. But because I lived a bit far away, I didn't really do that. But like, it's funny cause people think that as soon as you look healthy, oh, you must be healthy. Like, I had family members when I got home being like, oh, wow, you look so healthy. I'm like, thank you. Please don't tell me that. I don't want to hear that. So I looked better, but my mind was still not well. And when you put a bunch of eating disorder girls together, you talk about eating disorder stuff. So a lot of people talked about bulimia, which wasn't really something that I did before. Like I had done it a couple of times when I was like, really scared. But like, it wasn't really my thing. But just them talking about that triggered that in me. So now I had a full blown, another eating disorder, bulimia. When I left creds. This is getting so hot by the fire, by the way. So I started becoming obsessed with food in another way. I was so excited at the idea of binge eating a bunch of junk food and then knowing that I could get rid of it. And it was something that I became so obsessed with. But again, like, because I looked better, it wasn't very noticeable that I was doing this. I would obviously do it in secret. I was not living like, I was living with friends at the time. Like, you know, flooding with like a bunch of friends and, you know, we were all doing our own shit. Like no one really thought that I would be doing that because I was a master. I could do it in secret. I was doing that for a bit. And then I decided to move over to Australia. I was like, fuck this, I'm going to a different environment. So I broke up with whoever the fuck I was seeing at the time and was like, sayonara. Booked a place, like, booked flights within like a week. And then I had moved over to Australia and I was living with a friend over there for a bit. But I was still in my eating disorder mind. I was just. I still had a full blown eating disorder that I could not control the binge eating and feeling so guilty about it and then being bulimic, it just took over my life still. Like, I remember I would go on these journeys and go and like buy food and then eat it and feel so guilty about it. And then like, it was just such a such a sad thing that it just completely took over my life. And then I met my baby daddy. I met him, he was like, the love of my life. I was so, like, infatuated with him. Still am. He's amazing, but. But we just connected on a whole nother level. And we moved in, like, because I was staying with my friend at the time, and it wasn't ideal because, like, I didn't want to feel like I was, you know, imposing. So, like, anyway, I moved in with him within, like, three weeks of knowing him. He was like, yeah, like, just. Just come hang out. Come live with me. And the eating sort of behaviors slowed down a little bit. They were still there. And he. He knew. Like, I told him about my issues and stuff, but I didn't really tell him that it was still happening. Like, he knew it wasn't fully. I hadn't fully recovered, but, like, he didn't know that I was still, like, doing it, but it was less and less. Like, it was less than it used to be. And then we fell pregnant fairly early on, and that was the turning point for me because I loved this baby so much. And I was like, I do not want to hurt this baby. So making that connection, like, made the eating disorder completely stop. And I haven't been like, I haven't had the eating disorder since. The baby really made me see, like, the light of what I want. Like, I've always wanted children. So it made me be like, no, I can't harm this baby. Like, this baby's so beautiful. I cannot imagine harming this beautiful creature. So, you know, that was. That really changed me. It changed my thought on food. And now, like, I could not imagine going back to that. Like, there is no way I could go back to having those disordered behaviors. I just cannot see it. But I think, as well, like, it wasn't just that. I think there was a lot of factors that went into play. Like, I had to go to the hospital. That was the realization for me that shit was bad. And I had to go through every step to get to where I was at the end. Like, I had to go to the eating disorder clinic. Even though, you know, that developed something. Everything was a stepping stone to get to where I was. Like, the people that never gave up on me, you know, the people that wanted to see me healthy, everything was a key factor into recovery. I really wish that I. I really took the time to do more therapy because I just felt like I could never connect with a therapist because I just. I never allowed myself to talk about my trauma. I was just so closed off. And I think that's probably why, like, I, you know, tell you guys Everything now talk about all my experiences with clients and my good, my bad, everything. Because I just, I bottled so much up throughout my life and I was just like, I just need to relinquish this and be like, it, it's not a big deal. And maybe that will motivate someone else to talk about experiences and talk about trauma and, you know, their way of coping with it. So, yeah, I think everything really helped me. You know, I'm so thankful for the girls at Creds because that fucking, like, they were amazing. And I just like, even though, like, I've moved over and like, we don't see each other now, like, I still just have such, like, fond memories of these girls. And like, I love these girls and like, I hope they're doing well. I really hope they do. Because it's really hard to see when someone, you know, never recovers because it's just like, you're just, you're going through so much turmoil. Like someone who has an eating disorder is just like, just takes over your brain. Like a lot of people think it's like, you know, they'll roll with their eyes. Like when people say, like, oh, I had anorexia, like, oh, they think it's like attention seeking. No, it's not. It's a full blown mental illness. It's like it takes over you. It takes over like your friendships, your relationships, your family. It pushes everyone away. It puts the eating disorder at the top and anyone who tries to fuck with it is out. Like, you just can't control someone in that state of mind. So it's really sad when I see even like there was a big, I guess influencer, like YouTuber at the time who, when I was anorexic, she was severely anorexic. And she's never recovered. Okay, she's still putting out content. She's never recovered. And she's just recently, she'll like, come back into the media every now and again when people are like, oh, you know, where's she at? How is she doing? And just like commenting on her body still. And I was just, oh, like I went and I like, read some of the comments last night. It just made me so sad how people were like, just dissing her and like, you know, body shaming and like, it's fucking not her fault. Like, if anything, don't comment on it, don't engage with it because it's just fueling her even more, those comments. And it's just, it's so nasty that people would want to contribute to that. Like I get the ones that are, like, checking if, like, she's okay. Like, understand that of course you're gonna, you know, you have empathy, you want to help, but just the ones that are being nasty. I'm like, damn, man. Like, what are you doing? I think, yeah, going. Looking back, I really wish that I seeked out therapy early on and just got the help with it and just, you know, realizing, like, I guess at the time there wasn't as much information and stuff out there of, like, how bad it was. You know, we were sort of just getting into that culture. But there's so many, like, you know, places now that help people with eating disorders. Like, in Australia, we have the Butterfly foundation who help people with eating disorders. So if you feel like you're struggling anyway, please reach out to those organizations because they are there to help. And they. They know. They. They understand and they know why you're thinking that way. And it doesn't have to be a shameful thing. Even people who struggle with binge eating, because, you know, a lot of people don't see that. Just because they don't see the physical effects doesn't mean you're not struggling so much up here. So things with binge eating, anything like that disordered image, like, please get some help, seek some therapy. You know, I'm constantly working on myself, trying to anyway, like, slowly. We're slowly peeling off every layer. But, yeah, I think it's just important to even and just talk about it to people that you're close with. I think that's the biggest thing. It's definitely still a major issue. And I think people aren't like. I know orthorexia is a big thing where people, you know, are obsessed with healthy eating. And that's sort of where mine started, the obsession with healthy eating. And it's morphed into its own thing. But I think it's such a big thing these days, you know, I'm so glad. Like, we've come such a long way in media, but it is still an issue. Like, people still comment on other people's bodies, and it's just like, just leave them be. They're human beings. Like, even all of my comments, I constantly have people talking about my weight and stuff. Mainly men, obviously, but I'll still get those comments, and everyone online gets those comments. And. And it's just those things can just do so much damage. So you just have to be really careful with what you say to people. Always be kind. Okay, so that's my episode for today. A lot a Lot unpacked today. My goodness. But, yeah, I actually feel good, like, coming to that realization from the ex and how much that actually affected me, all those little traumas that I went through and how that morphed into, you know, an eating disorder and my way of, like, having that control over my body. But let me know if you want to hear about the abusive eggs. I feel like. I feel like this podcast is becoming a lot of trauma. A lot of trauma talk. I don't know if you guys like hearing about it, but maybe we'll do something light next week. But I don't know. It's. It's nice to talk about. Talk about real. I love talking about real. I'm not one to have conversations that are just, like, basic, you know what I mean? Whenever I have a conversation, like, I want to get deep, like, tell me your traumas. Like, I want to hear. I want to listen. So, yeah, that's why I like talking about it so much, I guess. I saw some comments that I was going to reply to from you guys. Someone commented, hey, Kayla, is this a studio or do you play piano? I noticed in the background. Love your content. So, yes, there is a piano. And I don't know if you guys can see it, but my children play piano. They have piano lessons, and their dad is also teaching them, and he's teaching me to play piano because he can play piano. So it's not a, like, acoustic piano, it's a digital piano, but it's one that the keys are, like, heavy, so it actually feels and sounds like you're playing a piano. It's really good. Like, it's great. And it's also, like, not, like, I'm pretty sure piano was really expensive, like 20 grand or something. So that one was only 5 grand, which is a bigger, you know, saving. So, yeah, they pay piano. We're a very musical family. Like, I can play guitar and, you know, I play guitar all throughout, like, being a child. And my son's just got into, like, this major music program, so super proud of him. And, yeah, we just. We're a bit of a musical family. My parents were, like, super musical. I love music from all genres. So, yeah, our favorite thing to do is just, like, sit and, like, watch music videos and, you know, like, old school musical videos from, like, the Beatles, Bee Gees, anything, like, anything. All sort of genres. So, yeah, that's. That's sort of our thing to do. Someone commented. What does it. What does taking the piss mean? Oh, my God, that's so funny. It must be an Australian slang, but it means taking the miss Mickey. Like you're. You're taking a joke. Like you're. You're joking, right? Like, you're obviously taking the piss. Like, that's. That's the only way I can describe it, but that's what it means. That's so funny. But, yeah, that's my show today. Don't forget to follow on Spotify and Apple podcasts, so you never miss an episode. I love you guys so much. Thank you so much for joining. Bye, guys.