← Strangers on a Bench
Strangers on a Bench
EPISODE 25: The Teacher Will Appear
00:32:27
Tom Rosenthal talks to strangers on park benches, often leading to surprising revelations.
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- [00:04]
Host
Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench, where essentially, I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? What is your favorite day of the week?
- [00:47]
Dancer
My favorite day of the week? It needs to be Friday.
- [00:51]
Host
It needs to be Friday or it is Friday.
- [00:54]
Dancer
It's Friday. It's Friday. Yeah. Yeah.
- [00:56]
Host
Okay. Can you say why?
- [00:58]
Dancer
It has the whole promise of the weekend ahead, and at work, everybody's just a little happier. It's always a good day. There's bad Sundays, you know, and even bad Saturdays, but there's almost never a bad Friday.
- [01:10]
Host
So that's why the pleasure is in the anticipation. Exactly. Do you do anything differently on a Friday? The other day?
- [01:19]
Dancer
So I am. And you wouldn't tell from my appearance, but I'm a lot into Latin dances.
- [01:24]
Host
Latin dances?
- [01:24]
Dancer
Yeah. So, like, I practice salsa for a while. For a Dutchman, I'm a good dancer, which doesn't say anything because we're notoriously.
- [01:31]
Host
Oh, really? Why is that?
- [01:32]
Dancer
Why we're bad dances? It's a general lack of rhythm. Like, there's a sort of a Dutch, like a swear word. A cheese hat.
- [01:43]
Host
Cheese head.
- [01:44]
Dancer
A cheese head. A casket. A cheese head. Yeah.
- [01:48]
Host
Related to, like, dancing.
- [01:50]
Dancer
It applies very much to dancing. The level of agony in beginners classes of salsa with Dutch guys trying to have rhythm, and it just. It's dreadful. It's dreadful.
- [02:00]
Host
But you battled through that.
- [02:01]
Dancer
Did you have.
- [02:02]
Host
Did you have rhythm when you were younger?
- [02:04]
Dancer
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I danced enough, like, when I was 16 just to, you know, make it through. Yeah. But on Friday night, it's always nice to go to the salsa party. That's why. And you can, like, recover the whole weekend because, you know, I'm a bit older now, so, like, I need. I need that. So it just. It all. It all comes together.
- [02:19]
Host
So you can go big Friday night.
- [02:21]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [02:22]
Host
What has salsa or dance in general, what has it given you?
- [02:27]
Dancer
It's given me great connection with other people. And I think this applies to those cheese heads who only go to the beginners classes because they want to go there for the ladies. And then I realized, hey, this is a lot of work to, like, to get ladies. There's easier ways. I think that's why they drop out. That's never why I did it. So, like, I have quite a serious, serious job, which, like, I'm in a management position, so, like, I could Never find a lady there. But also in general, like, if you're the boss, you have a different connection with people because, like, you never know if they were, like, truly honest or they just understand. And salsa, really, it's a mix of people and it really is a mix of everything. Different backgrounds, different jobs, different looks, different ages. Everything is just one big mix. And it doesn't matter who you are, what you do. It's really nice.
- [03:16]
Host
That's so wonderful.
- [03:16]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [03:17]
Host
What would you say is your kind of most memorable moment in dance? Particular moment where like, the magic truly happened.
- [03:26]
Dancer
So I've been danced for six years and it's quite a technical dance. Especially when you're like the lead. You have to think a lot.
- [03:32]
Host
Yes.
- [03:32]
Dancer
You're in your head a lot instead of in your body. And only recently I noticed, like, hey, I'm dancing. I'm actually dancing. I'm not in my head as much. I'm not tracking. I was flowing.
- [03:44]
Host
Yeah.
- [03:44]
Dancer
And I loved it. It was so nice.
- [03:46]
Host
How many years to get to that point?
- [03:49]
Dancer
It took me five years. But I gotta say, like, I've been in a relationship for a few of those years with a lady who didn't dance quite naturally. Then you also dance a bit less. It definitely takes you like two years, even if you dance every day.
- [04:04]
Host
So you never dance with your lady. Is this current lady or.
- [04:07]
Dancer
No, no, no, no. So, yeah, I'm single again. Like, this is my first solo trip and I'm single now for like nine months. So like some holiday was coming up and like, I knew I needed to do something. Like I couldn't just be in Amsterdam for three weeks, which is where I live. So I figured, all right, I've lived here once, like a long time ago for a few months. I love London. I'll just go for a week.
- [04:26]
Host
Fantastic.
- [04:27]
Dancer
Near a park and I'll just, you know, read on benches and stuff.
- [04:31]
Host
That's a wonderful thing. Do you feel like this is a kind of big turning point in your life? I mean, I'm not being here, but like a big moment in your life.
- [04:50]
Dancer
Like the most difficult part of, of being mid-30s, single again. A lot of friends, they already got married, got, got kids and, and that kind of stuff. One of the, the more difficult things of that is, is the sort of the emptiness, the. The loneliness sometimes. But thinking about it positively, it's a lot of freedom. Like this morning I could just decide what to do, or at least what I'm trying to be aware of now. In 10 years time, maybe, hopefully I'M in the family and very busy, and I'm longing for those moments where you can just sit on a bench, have the time to talk to a stranger. So I want to make sure that I appreciate it now instead of longing for it later and realizing that I didn't appreciate it at the time. So, like, do you have a partner?
- [05:38]
Host
Yeah.
- [05:39]
Dancer
Yeah. Have you ever been in a bad relationship?
- [05:42]
Host
Yeah.
- [05:43]
Dancer
Like what? I realized I've had, like, a pattern of relationships where I keep choosing the wrong. Like, not wrong, women, like, wrong for me.
- [05:53]
Host
Why do you think you do that?
- [05:55]
Dancer
Yeah, so, like, I've worked with it quite a bit, actually, and has always to do with family patterns when I was a kid and, you know, like, the relationship with my mom and like, like all that. And then suddenly, like, when you realize, like, oh, that's why I'm attracted to this push pull, which isn't healthy, which isn't nice, isn't leading to anything. That's why I keep rejecting women that are actually available and actually nice, because it's not. It doesn't resemble that same unhealthy thing. So once that clicks, it clicked for me a couple months ago. So that makes me hopeful.
- [06:29]
Host
Did you tell your mom about this?
- [06:30]
Dancer
I actually had a conversation with her about needed some staging, but starting off with a lot of appreciation for what she did for us because she's the most loving woman ever and she never did anything with bad intentions. But she herself had some difficulties in her childhood, which I totally understand why. Sometimes she felt overwhelmed or she needed to shut off sometimes because it's just too much. I also. It felt like it felt healthy to share.
- [06:55]
Host
How nervous were you when you were talking to her about this?
- [06:58]
Dancer
It was all right because I processed it first myself, so there wasn't any. I didn't feel any negativity towards her. I didn't need an apology. And that helped a lot. Felt like if this isn't talked about, it's always going to stand in the way a little bit. And I'm really glad that it did because it feels very strong now. So that was a healing moment. So it was actually very nice.
- [07:24]
Host
How did you say what you said?
- [07:29]
Dancer
I used a moment that happened a few months ago where she gave me the silent treatment. And I suddenly realized for the first time as an adult, instead of reacting like a kid and just accepting it or just taking it in, absorbing the mental blow for the first time, I realized, hey, this is not acceptable, actually, like, I don't deserve this. And I used that moment. What she did there. It reminded me when I was a kid, when you were standing in the kitchen giving me the silent treatment. And it made me feel very anxious. It's the same thing. And then I also, like I related it to. That's probably why I keep being attracted to women giving me the same sort.
- [08:05]
Host
Of treatment who are slightly unavailable as a kid.
- [08:09]
Dancer
You connect that dynamic with love, then you're going to connect it as an adult, which isn't necessarily healthy.
- [08:17]
Host
And it's so easy to mess up parenting.
- [08:19]
Dancer
Oh, yeah.
- [08:20]
Host
Mess up like. Oh, yeah, I do. You know, like small, you know, small.
- [08:24]
Dancer
Bits you're gonna mess up. Everyone does.
- [08:26]
Host
Of course. Of course. And you just hope that it is not too impactful.
- [08:29]
Dancer
Exactly, exactly.
- [08:30]
Host
Lead to a lifetime of trauma or whatever you're doing or not doing. Even now I've just started getting emails from my eldest daughter who's 10. There's something really odd about getting emails from a child.
- [08:44]
Dancer
I can only imagine, you know, like.
- [08:45]
Host
You see words, you're like, you wrote those words to me. That's weird. We're writing words to each other. Like, that's funny. And I was responding to her and then I was like putting quite a lot of exclamation marks. I think I overused exclamation marks. Just like, you want to just go, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you'll find a way of saying so then afterwards I was like, oh, God, is that a good thing for me to be sending her of two too excited messages? Am I looking too keen?
- [09:10]
Dancer
Yeah, yeah.
- [09:11]
Host
You know, it's a bit like, it's constantly like that, you know, you think like, oh, I'm messing this up and is she gonna kind of. Oh, you know, I mean, but it's lovely that you would have a dialogue with your mum because some people will go through their whole lives and never be able to say that.
- [09:24]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [09:24]
Host
You know, and to be able to like get that out there.
- [09:26]
Dancer
Everybody has these friends who keep going into the wrong relationship. You know them. Everybody has them.
- [09:31]
Host
Exactly.
- [09:31]
Dancer
You're stuck in one and it's very unhealthy. And you're seriously less happy than you could have been for your entire life. Or just those people who keep going to the next one, the next one, the next one, and you're like, oh, it's the same thing again, you know, And I'm happy. I feel strong after having processed this because I felt differently like a year ago, but now it could actually be different.
- [09:52]
Host
Would you do anything differently this time round to how you did it before?
- [09:56]
Dancer
Way like, many things, like, I. I've ignored my fair share of, like, red flags, like, a lot of them. So that's the first thing. But then once you're in a relationship, I'm gonna catch myself when I act as a child. Cause you're gonna act out as a child when you get triggered the same way you did when you were a kid. I'm gonna do therapy for the rest of my life, like once a month or once a quarter, just to keep myself in check. Cause I know even though you process it, you're always gonna be sensitive to the same triggers. Being able to apologize soon. Like, look, I said something or did something, didn't mean to. This is where it's coming from. I apologize.
- [10:29]
Host
I like how you got a real strong vision and, like, idea of how that's gonna work. I think people think often they think about romance, and you think about this, like, naturally flowing, brilliant thing that's just pure, like, oceans of magic. But actually, like, I think it is very useful to think about, think, you know, what, how am I gonna be better in this relationship? Actually, you know, like, still, people can get swept up too easily and stuff. And by then you're too deep in. You formed patterns which are almost unbreakable or you think are kind of an inherent part of the relationship that you couldn't imagine doing it differently.
- [11:06]
Dancer
I also realized, like, a lot of people, like myself included, definitely, you're so focused on what the other person should do differently, whereas the only thing you can influence is what you yourself can do differently. It's more helpful but also more healthy to focus on yourself and what you can do differently. What's the last thing you did regarding your wife that you regretted and you have yet to apologize for?
- [11:40]
Host
Oh, my God. I would say a bit like you in the sense. I. I would say it's more consistent behaviors rather than like a particular thing, episode or something.
- [11:55]
Dancer
Yeah, Yeah.
- [11:57]
Host
I think I. I have a bit of, like a kind of a natural defense mechanism around, like, arguments kind of self defense. Like, too stubborn.
- [12:09]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [12:10]
Host
You know, I always go for, like, no, I'm defending my position condition too strongly.
- [12:14]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [12:15]
Host
And it's very hard to, like, even if you're very aware that, as I'm aware that I'm doing, because I'm telling you I'm doing it, it's very hard to just, like, turn that off.
- [12:25]
Dancer
What are you protecting your ego?
- [12:28]
Host
Yeah. I don't really know. I think it's like that kind of. Is it maybe like a terrible affliction of just like, feeling that, like, I'm almost always right when I'm obviously not. I've somehow cultivated this thing. I think my father had it. It's a classic. My father had it as well. My mother's not that far off. Also, like, in terms of, like, the stubbornness. Stubbornness for, like, being who you are and defending that to the death, you know, like, this is who I am. This is what I'm doing for the large part of my life. It's been really useful. For instance, I wouldn't be sat here on a bench doing this if I didn't believe in myself or didn't believe in the idea. I suppose that's like. There's a stubbornness to make it happen, which is good here.
- [13:09]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [13:09]
Host
But, you know, for some things and some relationships, it's not so great. And that's a definite fault. And the problem is, I suppose sometimes I don't realize, maybe quick enough. I think I've got quicker. I mean, relationships do just get, you know, I'm quite far into a relationship, you know, in terms of years now. They're always swirling around. They're still quite, quite confusing. I mean, they're kind of miracles. They happen ever, in a way, or any kind of successful relationship is a small miracle, I think.
- [13:42]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [13:43]
Host
It's just, you know, so much also of the past, as you said, isn't just your mum's trauma. Literally talking generations, generations more than we can conceive of. All these moments, and they all add up. They're all infused into the next person in their small ways. How many behaviors is that? It's so ingrained in how we do things. And then another person bringing in theirs.
- [14:06]
Dancer
Yeah, yeah.
- [14:07]
Host
And then they come together.
- [14:08]
Dancer
It has to go along. Yeah, yeah.
- [14:10]
Host
So what I'm saying, I think more people should have, like, you like that. Thinking of, like, can I do this better going in. In a sense, I think you have to. I mean, my partner would hate me for saying this, baby. But I think. I think, like, in a way, I can't be saved from my problem because I think it's so ingrained in how we do things. I did have a few things at the beginning, like you. One was not seeing people too often from the start was a big thing for me. I think you feast at the buffet.
- [14:45]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [14:46]
Host
You know.
- [14:46]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [14:48]
Host
Keep eating. Let's keep going. Because this is exciting, this is great. But it's important just to balance it out a bit, do other stuff.
- [14:54]
Dancer
Esther Perel, I don't know if you know her. Yeah, I do Yeah, I think she has this theory. Right. Like, once people get sort of infused in one and the same person because, like, they're all together, they have no separate lives anymore. All the tension, the healthy tension that needs to be there for it to spark is gone as well. So you need to have that space between it to keep it magical, or as magical as it could be.
- [15:15]
Host
At least that's it completely. Yeah. I'm a big one for like, living your own. Yeah.
- [15:21]
Dancer
You have to be your own person.
- [15:22]
Host
Within reason and doing your own thing. Of course, that has its own, like, issues. You know, I started touring five, six years ago with my music things and like, that was quite a bit, you know, so I kind of decided I was going to do it. And that was a big thing. But, you know, sometimes, of course, that's also dangerous. You know, you're off doing your stuff and there was a hang on state. We didn't really kind of totally sign up for this. Or what is this going to be? Or what does this mean?
- [15:47]
Dancer
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [15:48]
Host
That's a classic danger. I mean, it's a fight. It's basically a very fine balance, isn't it? But I do think that basically not acknowledging that we're just so different. I mean, everyone's so different.
- [15:58]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [15:58]
Host
And just like embracing that a bit. And also, what works for your duo.
- [16:04]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [16:04]
Host
Might not work for anyone else. Yeah. For instance, I don't know how you feel about this, but I don't like sharing beds.
- [16:11]
Dancer
I get that.
- [16:12]
Host
Which again, is like his cultural thing. Like, you know, you gotta show a bed. Partners, you show a bed. You know, the ingrained things is what people do. You know, think of every film you can possibly imagine. Can you think of someone that just naturally run different beds? Yeah, I'm sure if they've had a fight, but not if they're just, you know, in the same house but in different rooms.
- [16:31]
Dancer
Yeah. But the romance of that is overrated. And good sleep is underrated, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
- [16:36]
Host
And so for a good while now, we've had our own. It's obviously has to be said, like, especially living in London, a big luxury to be able to do that. That's like one thing. And obviously like that. It's not easier said than done, obviously. But I think it's crucial to have your own space. If you need to go to bed at 9:00 and someone else wants to go 11:00, it's important that both have the chance to do that.
- [16:55]
Dancer
I agree.
- [16:55]
Host
Or to retire if I ever get.
- [16:56]
Dancer
The chance for that then for sure. Yeah.
- [16:58]
Host
Yeah. I mean. But yeah, I suppose it's just an example of just like doing it how it's best for you guys rather than like, you know, what people think you should do, what people think you should do, what's culturally accepted and all this kind of stuff.
- [17:08]
Dancer
Definitely.
- [17:10]
Host
I'm now very invested in your future love life.
- [17:12]
Dancer
You have to keep. Next time you see me sitting on the bench somewhere and I'm alone, you know something went wrong. Right.
- [17:20]
Host
But we had the chat. But we had the chat. What happened? Oh, fantastic. Are there any potential candidates just floating around who you're interested in?
- [17:32]
Dancer
Yeah. So like nowadays you have these dating apps, right. So, you know, it's easy to talk to people and I guess it's relatively easy to meet someone, but it's still, it's different from meeting someone in their natural environment and having like that natural click. I'm imagining that if you met your wife 14 years ago that you had sort of a natural.
- [17:50]
Host
It's pre app.
- [17:51]
Dancer
Yeah, pre app. So that, like, I guess that's nicer because then there's already some chemistry and when you go on a date with someone, you both already swiped right right, you know, swipe right in the real. Yeah. Like there's one or two people that I'm talking to, but it's tough to meet them.
- [18:05]
Host
Yeah, of course. Is there anyone in your kind of. In your life, like as you. Someone you know already who you're potentially interested in?
- [18:15]
Dancer
No, I don't think so.
- [18:16]
Host
Not really.
- [18:17]
Dancer
Yeah, but it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, yeah.
- [18:19]
Host
No one at work?
- [18:21]
Dancer
No. No one at work. No, no.
- [18:23]
Host
Yeah. I mean, I've. I haven't really done office life. I often kind of dream about what I would be like in an office.
- [18:29]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [18:29]
Host
For me, it's this catalyzing, interesting place.
- [18:32]
Dancer
No, no, it's a lot less romantic as you make it seem now, like, you know, but I've never heard this someone not doing an office job, like, do it for a few weeks and you'll know.
- [18:44]
Host
I kind of want like, I don't know, being able just to try it out for a couple of weeks is a kind of.
- [18:50]
Dancer
You could be the, like that fun person in the office that does nothing. But he's fun. So everybody just.
- [18:56]
Host
They keep him on.
- [18:57]
Dancer
They keep him on. They just kind of like. Yeah, we'll just allow him to just be around because everybody needs like the fun person to talk to.
- [19:15]
Host
Tell me about what? It's like you mentioned earlier that You're a boss.
- [19:21]
Dancer
Yeah.
- [19:22]
Host
I'm not sure I've had a boss yet on a bench. What's it like to be a boss?
- [19:27]
Dancer
It's quite fun. It's a nice. Honestly, it's definitely not to boss people around. That's the least fun thing to do. That's your last resort. You say I'm the boss and you're just gonna effing do it. But it's a personal failure if you have to use that because then you haven't inspired in any other way. But it's nice to sort of move the organization, move the troops, all in the same direction after it's been disorganized. And it's nice if people start marching, if there's a flow to your thoughts, to your vision, that's amazing. It's nice to see individuals who weren't happy at work suddenly get that spark again, make a difference in their life, make them a little happier to go to work every day. That's true impact on someone else's life, positive impact on other people's lives. That is great. It's nice to be able to set your own agenda. I still work, like many hours and it's hard work, but nobody ever tells me you need to be there at that time or you need to work nights, you work evenings. It's nice to be able to choose whenever you want to work.
- [20:35]
Host
I totally get that, given that I have just told you that I'm kind of like interested and excited sometimes about how an office might work, having not been in an office. What in your time in an office has been the most exciting moment.
- [20:54]
Dancer
Just to prove my point. So I've been in offices for 14 years, for 40 hours a week or more, and there's nothing podcast worthy that comes to mind. Like there's been small pleasures, of course, of your small successes or funny things that happened or conversations, whatever, but there's not. Not that one, like, exciting thing, Not a bomb scare, not some sexual intercourse of two colleagues that you.
- [21:18]
Host
That couldn't imagine being together or something. Yeah, yeah.
- [21:20]
Dancer
Nothing. Nothing to mention. That's why I'm reading this book, Men's Search for Meaning, because I've been in office for 14 years. I'm still looking. I'm still looking.
- [21:29]
Host
So is this your way of saying that, like, you just don't want to be there anymore?
- [21:33]
Dancer
No, no, no. It's. It's still fun, but it's, you know, it never gives you a story in a bar that gives you the edge, you know, it's not Gonna, you know.
- [21:43]
Host
Okay, let's imagine the majority shareholder calls you up and says, really sorry, like, I've had a chat with my other shareholders. No one likes you in the office. The company is losing money an incredible rate. We've had a chat and have decided that not only can you no longer work for us, but you can no longer work in this sector again. What's your first reaction?
- [22:14]
Dancer
I'll say thank you and shake their hands. And I mean that. I mean that just like I don't want to be with a girl who doesn't want me. If they don't want me, they can, you know, they can shake my hand. You say it. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. But I mean that. So actually like one of the lessons in this book is, and this is about a man who's been in a concentration camp. So no one ever alive at this. Well, there's places in the world but in the UK and the Netherlands, I guess there's almost no one who has it like this. Difficult as what you're reading. Pull up. Of course, it's mind blowing. And still he says the one thing nobody can ever take away from you is your own attitude towards the situation. You can always choose darkness or light for every situation. So if they don't want me anymore, why would I want to be in a place where they don't want me? There could be places there, people do want me. That's fine.
- [23:03]
Host
The second thought is, as you walk out of this office, imaginary office, for the last time, and you go and sit by canal and look out and think, what am I going to do? What would be the dominant thought that came into your head in terms of what you might do with your time?
- [23:22]
Dancer
I'll chill for a long time until the thing that pops up.
- [23:26]
Host
Like, you wouldn't rush it.
- [23:28]
Dancer
Definitely not one thing. Like, I want to make like a real difference. So for example, if I could be with a couple of friends or a couple of guys, girls, I do worry about like the planet and the climate change and that kind of stuff. Like a lot of people are already doing it somehow it doesn't click. So if we could find something to make an actual difference there, that would be very nice.
- [23:52]
Host
Well, I mean, the obvious thing to say is that, like, you could do it.
- [23:57]
Dancer
Like I'm still young, so, you know, but just like they say, like, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Also, like when the opportunity is ready, like, you know, when I'm ready, when it's in the stars, then I'll know.
- [24:12]
Host
I would say, though, also, the normal working kind of structure of life often doesn't give you, not you, but anyone, the chance for the teacher to turn up, to actually have the space to try stuff, to talk to people, to.
- [24:29]
Dancer
Think, you know, But I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna do the job forever. So even if. Even if they don't call me up and say that, like, everybody hates you and you suck, so you have to leave. You know, I've done it once in my career where it took a couple months, like, in between jobs, like, on purpose, like, just to have the freedom of. And it gave me a lot. So I'm going to do that, like, for the rest of my career. Yeah. Keep some space and then choose. So for sure I'll do that. Yeah.
- [25:07]
Host
What was the last funeral you attended?
- [25:11]
Dancer
One of my dearest friend's father. Yeah, they're really painful and really beautiful. Yeah. A lot of respect for that man. My parents were both there, too, because they. They knew him. And actually one other dear friend of me, like, told me, do you realize that you've spent 99% of the time you'll ever get with your parents, it's already spent. Because when you're a kid, you see each other every hour, every day, or almost. And when you have your own family, or at least you don't live at home anymore, it's what, like once a month? Or if you're lucky, maybe a few hours a week. But still, if you add up all that time, you spend 99% of it. So it made me realize I have to make the most of that 1% so I can make more of a conscious effort to connect with my family. So if you have, like, a spare evening, and, like, I could spend it with them or just a phone call, and, like, it's on my mood board too, you know, the stuff I find important is there. So whenever I walk by and I realize, okay, like, I haven't talked to anyone in a week, you know, I'm gonna phone up a sibling or my parents, you know.
- [26:11]
Host
Is there a question that you haven't asked them yet that you would like to ask them?
- [26:17]
Dancer
That's a good question. I don't know, but thank you for the question because now I'm gonna think about it.
- [26:23]
Host
What did your parents do well with you, do you think, when you're young?
- [26:29]
Dancer
I think, like, one of the things that stood out, I can say, like, they were always there, but I guess that applies for many of them. But one thing that doesn't apply for Every parent is. They never put any pressure on me or my siblings to achieve in life. We were left very open to do whatever we want. There's many people around where parents pressure on the kids to perform or achieve becomes such an important or such a big theme in their life that it determines their whole. Their whole life, whether they like it or not. I always wanted to work hard and achieve, but like some of my siblings, they don't. And they're doing fine, but they're not a boss. But everybody feels confident about themselves. Everybody is fine with that and they actually did a good job. Because there's been many moments where, like, thinking back, I can only imagine the temptation they could have had to apply pressure or to say, hey, you need to start working harder, or hey, you need to do this. But I always just gracefully, you know.
- [27:26]
Host
What is the darkest part of you? Is there anything that, like, you try and stop people from seeing?
- [27:32]
Dancer
So one thing that I, that I've worked at is jealousy, because it's such a. It's such a bad, negative emotion. Whether it's when you're in a relationship and you feel jealous because that's your own insecurity, basically that's knocking on the door. But also if something good happens to a friend, even though you're happy for your friend that it happens, but you still feel a little bit like, ah, I wish that happened to me. And you can't fully be happy for them because there's this part of you where you're like, ah, like, I wish, I wish I had it. I really dislike that about myself because that's a bad quality. Whenever that happens, I really try to sit with it, like, why can't I be fully happy for them and why does it impact me this much? And usually when you sit with it, you let it pass, you learn something about yourself and then you let it go for that and never act on it. So you can try to really focus on the part that's also there where you're genuinely happy. If it's gonna be like a bad emotion, you might as well get something good out of it. So that's what I try to do. But, you know, there's this one friend who like, really, like, everything was going well at work, he got engaged, you know, and he has like a really healthy relationship. And not that I would want the girl, but I would want that chemistry that they have there. I felt a little bit like, okay, like this guy, like, everything is going well for him now. And I had just been in the breakup and like understandable. And you're like, ah, yeah, you can learn something about yourself.
- [29:00]
Host
You can answer this in a big way or a kind of mundane way. What are you going to do next?
- [29:07]
Dancer
The small way to answer is, is to run for bathroom because I need to pee badly. I'm going to try and reflect on this conversation. There's a Dutch book, it's called the Maestro, which means that most people are nice, basically. It's nice because there's been so much negativity polarization in the world. It's nice on the ground. Most people are still open to just have a chat and that's a nice thing. But I'm gonna see whether I can maybe have more random chat with people because it's nice, you know? So, yeah, fantastic.
- [29:42]
Host
That's a great last thought to have.
- [29:44]
Dancer
All right.
- [29:44]
Host
Thank you so much for your time.
- [29:46]
Dancer
Thank you.
- [29:46]
Host
I'll let you have your wee now.
- [29:56]
Friend
Old friend. Let's talk about the 99%. I sense the time has come to flip it on his head. Cause there are many things I've learned Some from books and some from girls Some from traveling the world Some from conversations and I would likely take a bath that I know Said things you don't know yet I know I love to let you in if you have the patience when you're ready when you're ready I'll be there when you're ready when you're ending I'll be there I'll be there have you ever had the thought that the boy you taught to walk He's a man, an old grown up and his brain's for picking he's been doing therapy every month or quarterly with the mental uniform Every day is a school day when you're ready when you're ready I'll be there when you're ready when you're ready I'll be there.