
Tom Rosenthal talks to strangers on park benches, often leading to surprising revelations.
Loading summary
Host
Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? Is there a day of the week that you favor?
Guest
I think maybe Sundays. I like Sundays because when I was younger I used to go to church and that. So I get that sort of slight peaceful feeling of, you know, it's a day to enjoy yourself.
Host
Yeah. So you used to go and you're younger, but now you don't.
Guest
I'm not a Christian anymore. No. Oh, look at that.
Host
We'd be visited by a magpie. Are you someone that says hello to them? If there's any one of them?
Guest
No. Do you?
Host
I do sometimes, you know, so how. So why. Can I ask why you're not a Christian anymore?
Guest
Well, there were a lot of different religions in my family, so it left me free, I guess, to choose which one. And someone introduced me to Buddhism when I'd stopped practicing all religions. And I found that one just seemed to work for me because I'd been a dancer and things like rhythm are very important, not just people talking to me.
Host
So what is it about Buddhism that kind of appealed to you?
Guest
I think that ability to make your own mind up about things because, you know, I chant and that way I can manifest my own wisdom. But still, all the writings like in Christianity and everything, you still have to listen, but at the end of the day you can make your own mind up rather than sort of feeling totally guilty if you had a child out of marriage or.
Host
Did you have a child out of marriage?
Guest
No, I got married, but then I got divorced after I had the child. But anyway, yeah, so you can manifest your own wisdom a bit more.
Host
What are you manifesting now, may I ask? Is anything you're willing into. Into existence in your life? More encounters on benches and it worked.
Guest
Yeah. I'm trying to be a little bit self reflective on my. What I think is my own wisdom at the moment, you know.
Host
What does that mean?
Guest
Well, I do think there's a point to Christianity. I mean, I sometimes think in London, I like it in ways that. But people have absolutely no moral compass whatsoever. So I do try to go back to some of my Christian sort of morals a bit and not just always go by my feelings. I think it's young people's. I have a daughter, I want. I don't want her to be changing relationships consistently or whatever. Those sort things.
Host
Do you often impart wisdom to your daughter? Is it that kind of relationship?
Guest
Yeah, I do my best, but I. I have to be very careful. I have a sister who won't talk to me at all, so I don't want our relationship to break down like that.
Host
So can you talk to us? We have talk about why your sister won't talk to you. You would talk to her?
Guest
I talked to her. I think it's because we both went to train to be dancers originally, which is about moving around a lot, you know, so somehow we've got into this pattern where probably the best we can do is slam the door.
Host
How's this? How's this starting? There's a big jump there between we both trained to be dancers and now we're slamming the door. Are you saying there was some kind of competition?
Guest
Well, maybe we didn't talk to each other enough when we're younger. So I'm trying to put out the causes that. That doesn't help with me and my daughter.
Host
Is there anything that will persuade your sister to talk to you?
Guest
Funerals.
Host
Are there any. Any. Funerals are coming up, if you can talk to her.
Guest
Well, I'm just wondering whether it could be hers or mine first.
Host
Could be someone else, maybe some very. Some distant relative. Could you. Could you invent a distant relative? Pretend there's a funeral and you rock up and it's just you two?
Guest
Yes. I can think of a potential.
Host
So she has an important role to play, this person that might pass away or not. She could bring you two together, see?
Guest
Yes. I feel like I want to ask you questions.
Host
You can. Sorry, I'm just. I'm always. Obviously, I'm slightly on the front foot with these things, but anything you've got, feel free to throw it at me at any time.
Guest
So have you got a lady in your life?
Host
I. I do have a lady in my life, yeah.
Guest
Oh, that's good. Good.
Host
She's the mother of my children, which is handy.
Guest
And how many kids have you got?
Host
Only. Only two. Humble two.
Guest
It's hard in London, I think, to have more.
Host
I agree. A third kind of takes you to a whole new level of needing space, which you know, which doesn't really exist.
Guest
How did the first two happen? Did you.
Host
Oh, no, no, no. Like, kind of mentioned. But we had. We had them pretty early. Yeah, we were 25 and 26.
Guest
I mean, I had.
Host
How old were you when you became a mother?
Guest
About 27.
Host
Would you have heard that age?
Guest
Yes, I think it was. Well, it's just I feel that each generation that goes on, like, I think my daughter's left it too late. And then we just don't know. It's unlikely now that you have children.
Host
Oh, it's complicated, isn't it? And of course, sadly, the biological clock doesn't move with society.
Guest
No, no. Maybe we should be following the biological clock more than we do.
Host
Although that would be. If we followed it to the letter. We would be having children at kind of 14 or something. Have you been able to talk to your daughter about any of this?
Guest
She'll never hear this, will she?
Host
I mean, I hope not.
Guest
I don't want her.
Host
It would be. I would say, you know, I can never say never.
Guest
She'd be so, so cross with me. Yeah, well, I mean, what about. How old are your children?
Host
Mine are 10 and 8.
Guest
Oh, that's beautiful.
Host
Is that a good time?
Guest
Well, to be honest, it's a bit like nature, I think. It's all wonderful. It goes on forever, but you just got to adapt and change the way you have to let go. From the day they were in nappies, it's just like the tree goes on growing.
Host
Is there anything you wished you had done as a parent that you didn't do?
Guest
I often wonder if I shouldn't have moved and might have given my daughter a better chance, if, you see, I mean, in certain ways.
Host
So that means you did move out of London.
Guest
No, you didn't.
Host
So you should have moved out of London. You thought maybe. Where would you have gone?
Guest
Well, I might have gone back to Ireland. But then where are you from?
Host
I'm from London.
Guest
Are you?
Host
It was all the way through. All the way through, really. Where were they? Where were my parents born or where? Yeah, my mother was born in London. My father. Australia.
Guest
Australia. Australia. See, it always comes in somewhere, isn't it? Because my grandpa.
Host
Australia?
Guest
No, that very few people. If you look back, eventually it goes somewhere else.
Host
Of course.
Guest
My grandparents were from London, but my mum moved over to Ireland.
Host
Why does she move?
Guest
She got a job in a theater, a stage management assistant.
Host
So is it a kind of natural progression for you to be into dance?
Guest
Well, the arts.
Host
Do you still dance now?
Guest
Well, I teach yoga online a bit with just my sister because I've got a lot of sisters and brothers.
Host
Oh, how many?
Guest
Well, I have two half brothers and two half sisters. And then I had two sisters and one sister died when she was about 24, 25. Yeah.
Host
Can you tell me a bit about her?
Guest
Well, she took her own life. That was very sad. Yes. Yeah. Which is probably why I started to practice Buddhism.
Host
What was she like as a person?
Guest
What sort of school did you go to? Sorry, I'm just interested. No, because it's interesting.
Host
What do you mean? What kind of school did you go.
Guest
To school in London? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I went to a very unusual school, a Russian ballet school in Kent. So I love my sister dearly because I only saw her in the holidays.
Host
Was she older than you?
Guest
Yes, but she had a difficult time and she was a bit bitrunt and so. Yeah.
Host
Do you think of her often? And when you do, what do you think about?
Guest
Fair. Well, after many years of practicing Buddhism, being able to chant, because it took me years to even get to chanting for our happiness made me let go of all the horribleness and the sadness, and I'm just back to sort of the love now, you know, because you just got to move on. You can't change the past, but you can affect the future. So. Yeah.
Host
Tell me about the. What does a Russian ballet school in Kent look like?
Guest
Oh, it's fantastic. The drive was a mile long.
Host
Why is it Russia?
Guest
Because the two people who ran it were exiles from Russia.
Host
I see.
Guest
I mean, they used to teach. Amazing people, like Margaret Fontaine used to go to his classes.
Host
What did a day look like at the Russian Ballet school?
Guest
You know, it was funny because it was a poor school, so it was a mixture between St Trinian's and this amazing Russian ballet training. But we used to begin with yoga before breakfast, and then we do ballet, but we do folk dance, like Russian dancing and Spanish dancing. They didn't care if you didn't get any O levels. Well, Madame Legatte didn't anyway. The head barrister did.
Host
But how often did you see your parents when you were at the school? I mean. So you stayed, you boarded there.
Guest
Okay. What did your parents do? I can't face talking about my life too much.
Host
That's fine. Yeah, that's totally fine.
Guest
What did your parents do?
Host
So you know about my parents? My father, who is now dead, he was a. How to describe him? Farmer.
Guest
Oh, lovely farmer. In London?
Host
No, no, not in London. No, not in London. That would be fun. He could have watched the City Farm. He didn't work at the City Farm. He was a farmer in Suffolk. But also he was an academic, kind of writer. He loved playing music. But he wasn't really a musician. Oh, he liked painting as well. He did a lot of stuff, actually, come to think of it, he was an anarchist and wrote for an anarchist newspaper called Freedom Press. And my mother is still around and she worked for the BBC for most of her life doing American documentaries and various programmes as a producer. And then she went to teach English as a second language after that at a community place and is now retired. Is that what you predict? Is that what you expected?
Guest
Well, that. That's fair enough. It just shows how many things we have in common. I mean, my.
Host
My father.
Guest
My mom was a writer. She wrote children's books. Yeah.
Host
That was fun.
Guest
That was fun.
Host
Can you remember a happy memory with your mother, you and your mother? What. What. What springs to mind?
Guest
Well, I think our walks up the mountains and the Dublin mountains. Yeah. Which is probably why I like doing this.
Host
What about you with your happy memories of mother? So they're still being made?
Guest
Yes, yes.
Host
But we did a lot together. She was a single parent.
Guest
Single parent. Did your dad die?
Host
When? No, no, no, he didn't. They split up. Yeah. No. Sorry. Where am I?
Guest
Sorry.
Host
No, no, don't worry, don't worry. What happened? My father had an affair with my mother.
Guest
Your father had an affair with my mother.
Host
He already had three children.
Guest
Right. So you were born out of wedlock, as they say.
Host
Not even. It wasn't even close to the lock of wed.
Guest
Yes. So it really doesn't match with it. Doesn't it? That's why I think I had to let go of all my Catholic stuff. And I think you've just got. Well, I think what today's world is teaching us is that we just should be grateful for life itself a bit. I find I'm really struggling with this artificial insemination stuff. I can't. I find it because I'm such a nature lover.
Host
So what particularly about artificial insemination? Why is it on the mind?
Guest
I'd rather sort of like a situation where people have children out of wedlock and everything. And we accept that rather than these donors that you haven't a clue about or.
Host
Artificial insemination was very close to your mind there. But why is it something that's suddenly jumped in?
Guest
Well, I know someone they went to. Anyway, they went somewhere, you know, to be artificially inseminated. They actually went with their partner, but then their relationship started to break down. Yeah, dad, they went through this awful wrangle about. They had to start paying, you know, like £100amonth if they wanted to keep the eggs and just. Oh, yeah.
Host
I suppose to play advocate of the inseminators, I would say, you know, what if you don't have a choice, I suppose. I mean, if reproductive wives, if someone can't do it and they want to have.
Guest
They could practice Buddhism or they could become very religious, become a nun.
Host
But practicing Buddhism isn't going to get them a child.
Guest
You see, I think because I'm such a nature lover that maybe that's the sacrifice. There's always sacrifice in life, isn't it? Maybe that's the sacrifice we've got to make. Oh, where are we going to draw the line?
Host
So you feel like you're kind of let nature take its course?
Guest
Well, I don't know. Balance, I guess. Balance.
Host
Obviously you've studied dance and you are a dancer. I think you never stop. You never stop being a dancer, surely.
Guest
No. Yes. Actually, people often say to me, I have a dancer's mind. And I do because we tend to copy people a bit more and do what we're told. And there's funny things as a dancer you tend to do.
Host
Yeah, that's interesting, a dancer's mind. I was going to ask you, when you do you. When you see people move, are you kind of reading their movement? Is that kind of. That's a kind of. That's a kind of tap that you can't turn off.
Guest
I guess that's why I enjoy the heath, actually.
Host
You like seeing people go past.
Guest
You can tell so much someone just by the way they walk. I mean, I studied mime and theater in Paris and so, you know, it always fascinates me.
Host
We should play a fun game. Maybe. Maybe the next person that passes, you can tell me about them from your. From the way they move. Should we play that game?
Guest
Okay.
Host
Yeah. They're not. Has to pay someone. Okay, here's someone approaching. What do you think?
Guest
As she's walking past? She's a bit. Her energy's a bit down in the ground.
Host
Yes. Her label sticking out of her hat as well. What does that mean? Oh, here's another one.
Guest
Let's.
Host
Let's see this one. What do we think of this one? Let's wait for her to go past.
Guest
Well, no, she's. She's on a mission. She's got to get back for lunch or something, hasn't she? She's on a schedule, isn't she?
Host
Did you have any impressions of my movement as I passed you? Did you remember thinking like, you know, that guy's in the sky, in the ground, in the trees?
Guest
Well, amazingly, you didn't defend me whatsoever. And you, you seemed to have catch me at a time where I was very happy to just sit and chat.
Host
It's good timing.
Guest
Then, yeah. You were amazing actually. Look at that little Robin there.
Host
I can't see it. Where, where, where? Oh, there. Yes, I see it now. I always think Robin stay for the. The right amount of time. You know, they give you a little glance.
Guest
Yeah. And then they're on.
Host
Is there anything you're looking to change in your life?
Guest
Do you think I want to keep making my life happy? Yeah.
Host
But is that something you need to be changed or is that just a constant?
Guest
I need to work on it because I think I have a tendency to. Well, I don't know. How long have you been married to change the conversation or do you want me to keep on people's walks? One or the other.
Host
I'm happy with anything really. I'm not married.
Guest
Oh, sorry. You never bothered. Why not? Why not?
Host
Why didn't I get married?
Guest
Yes.
Host
It'S always quite distracting when you have a small child running past you saying, I need a wee.
Guest
Well, I didn't hear what they were saying.
Host
Oh, they're great. Thanks, Harsha.
Guest
How old are they now?
Host
8 and 10. I mean you were just.
Guest
I love the book. Thank you for sending me.
Host
Oh, pleasure. You're so lovely.
Guest
I do miss.
Host
I do think you're one of the great, great teachers and it gives me a joy to see you out and about helping the next set of these little ones. Hello there. How are you? You got a sick. Oh, wonderful one.
Guest
My fell down. Yours fell down?
Singer
Yeah.
Guest
Okay, we need to go because I think mummies and daddies are going to come and pick you up.
Host
Harsha, lovely to see you.
Guest
Nice seeing you. Please give them my love.
Host
I will, thank you.
Guest
I look forward to seeing them soon.
Host
You too. My children went to this forest school.
Guest
Forest school?
Host
Hence they're all just, you know, bobbing around.
Guest
My mum went to school in Regent's Park. It was after the war and they hadn't rebuilt all the schools and everything so they used to do it in the open like this.
Host
That's the best, isn't it?
Guest
Lovely. That's. That's love.
Host
What was the highlight of your dancing life? If you say what moment really stands out, you think of your dancingness.
Guest
I think the two things was. Because I was amazed with myself. I think doing west side Story in the West End with the live orchestra.
Host
Fantastic.
Guest
Because I just. The music, the mirrors, like the orchestra and the story. It's just like it's got everything, hasn't it?
Host
When? What, may I ask? When that was? When was that?
Guest
Well, it was. Was Bill Kenwright's production, which Wasn't. It was in the Shaftesbury. It wasn't the very original production, but it was the original choreography, which was Leonard Bernstein. And then the other thing was doing the slipper in the Rose, which was based on Cinderella. But it was like I fulfilled those sort of dreams of doing this sort of. All those American movies that you watch where there's the big dance thing and they're running up the walls and, you know, there's Hollywood type movies.
Host
Do you still remember some of the moves? Would it come back to you?
Guest
Yes, it was. I mean, do you know, the fantastic thing about that sort of dance is it's a bit like doing something so difficult that you just can't worry about anything else.
Host
You mean you just totally have to focus on it.
Guest
Yes. Yeah.
Host
I've got one more question for you. Okay. I've always. I've got to end it on the same question. And the last question I'm going to ask you is what are you going to do next?
Guest
What? Next minute or next hour or next life or next two weeks?
Host
You could do whatever you want.
Guest
Well, I'm gonna stay here for a bit and it's such a beautiful day. I'm just gonna soak this up and then I'll walk home and have some lunch. What about you? What are you gonna.
Host
I need to go and pick a bit of action. I need to go and pick my eldest up from school. And what about the next life, though?
Guest
Next life, I hope I'm more happily married. And I would love to, actually. I wouldn't mind living on a farm, but I do love dancing, like, even Irish set dancing. And I love Irish music and that, you know. I don't want to ever lose dance completely. But I could let go the city tomorrow if I had a happy life. I mean, you know, people, if I had that, I might not want it. I don't know.
Singer
Paris skies, Russian walls Music plays and all your thoughts fall empty for a.
Guest
While.
Singer
Spinning round slamming doors those you love so dearly wants Won't talk to you anymore. Ooh, wild the sorrow Learn to let it fly can only change tomorrow Leave what's passed behind Night Someday in another life you leave the city west and light Find love and make home. Cuz they're forever growing before your eyes soon they don't want your advice it's time to let them go. Ooh, one for sorrow Learn to let it fly can only change tomorrow Leave what's passed behind. Oh and as the years go.
Guest
I.
Singer
Think of you and smile and somewhere I'LL be dancing if only in my mind.
Strangers on a Bench: Episode 28 – "A Dancer's Mind"
In Episode 28 of Strangers on a Bench, titled "A Dancer's Mind," host Tom Rosenthal engages in a profound and intimate conversation with a guest whose life intertwines the worlds of dance, spirituality, and personal reflection. The episode delves deep into themes of faith, family, loss, parenting, and the intrinsic connection between movement and the human psyche. Below is a detailed summary capturing the essence of their dialogue.
The episode begins with Tom approaching a stranger on a London park bench, introducing his podcast concept that involves conversing with anonymous individuals to uncover their unique life stories.
Tom Rosenthal [00:04]:
"Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that?"
The conversation swiftly navigates the guest's spiritual journey. Initially, the guest shares a fondness for Sundays, reminiscing about his younger days attending church, which instilled a sense of peace.
Guest [00:49]:
"I like Sundays because when I was younger I used to go to church and that. So I get that slight peaceful feeling of, you know, it's a day to enjoy yourself."
However, he reveals a departure from Christianity, attributing his shift to the diverse religious influences in his family and his eventual discovery of Buddhism. This transition highlights his quest for personal wisdom and moral grounding outside traditional religious doctrines.
Guest [01:30]:
"There were a lot of different religions in my family, so it left me free, I guess, to choose which one. And someone introduced me to Buddhism when I'd stopped practicing all religions. And I found that one just seemed to work for me..."
Tom Rosenthal [01:56]:
"So what is it about Buddhism that kind of appealed to you?"
Guest [02:01]:
"I think that ability to make your own mind up about things... you can manifest your own wisdom."
The guest opens up about his family, mentioning his daughter and a strained relationship with his sister. This tension is rooted in their shared background in dance training, leading to emotional distance and regret over insufficient communication during their youth.
Guest [04:22]:
"I have to be very careful... I don't want our relationship to break down like that."
The dialogue takes a poignant turn as the guest shares the tragic loss of his sister, who died by suicide. This personal loss significantly influenced his embrace of Buddhism, providing him solace and a path to healing.
Guest [10:02]:
"I have a sister who won't talk to me at all, so I don't want our relationship to break down like that."
Guest [10:20]:
"She took her own life. That was very sad. Yes. Yeah. Which is probably why I started to practice Buddhism."
A substantial portion of the conversation explores the guest's dance career, highlighting memorable moments such as performing in the West End's West Side Story with a live orchestra and starring in a ballet production based on Cinderella. These experiences underscore his passion for dance and its role in shaping his identity.
Guest [23:42]:
"I think the two things was... doing West Side Story in the West End with the live orchestra."
Tom Rosenthal [24:16]:
"When? What, may I ask? When was that?"
Guest [24:18]:
"Was Bill Kenwright's production... it was the original choreography, which was Leonard Bernstein."
The guest reflects on how dance demands intense focus, serving as a medium to escape and express profound emotions.
Guest [25:08]:
"The fantastic thing about that sort of dance is it's a bit like doing something so difficult that you just can't worry about anything else."
Transitioning to parenthood, the guest discusses his daughter, emphasizing the challenges and joys of raising a child. He contemplates the societal pressures surrounding the "biological clock" and expresses concerns about the complexities of modern parenting, such as artificial insemination.
Guest [07:06]:
"I think my daughter's left it too late. And then we just don't know. It's unlikely now that you have children."
Guest [16:25]:
"I'd rather sort of like a situation where people have children out of wedlock and everything. And we accept that rather than these donors that you haven't a clue about..."
These reflections reveal his desire for a more natural approach to life and reproduction, aligning with his love for nature and Buddhist principles.
An intriguing segment explores the concept of a "dancer's mind." The guest explains how dance training enhances his ability to read people's movements, capturing subtle emotional cues through body language. This skill not only enriches his interactions but also deepens his appreciation for human expression.
Tom Rosenthal [18:28]:
"Obviously you've studied dance and you are a dancer. I think you never stop. You never stop being a dancer, surely."
Guest [18:35]:
"People often say to me, I have a dancer's mind. And I do because we tend to copy people a bit more and do what we're told."
They even engage in a playful game of interpreting the movements of passersby, illustrating the guest's keen observational skills developed through his dance background.
The dialogue touches on personal challenges, including marital status and life's unpredictability. The guest expresses a longing for a more fulfilling future, whether in this life or the next, highlighting his aspirations for happiness, stability, and continued engagement with dance.
Guest [26:08]:
"Next life, I hope I'm more happily married. And I would love to, actually."
Guest [25:36]:
"What are you going to do next minute or next hour or next life or next two weeks?"
These musings reveal a reflective and hopeful outlook, seeking balance between past experiences and future possibilities.
As the episode winds down, the guest and host share lighter moments, interacting with children and reminiscing about joyful memories. The guest's final thoughts emphasize the importance of living in the present and letting go of past sorrows, aligning with Buddhist teachings.
Guest [25:46]:
"I'm gonna stay here for a bit and it's such a beautiful day. I'm just gonna soak this up and then I'll walk home and have some lunch."
The episode concludes with a heartfelt song that encapsulates the themes of love, loss, and moving forward, leaving listeners with a sense of closure and contemplation.
Singer [26:44-28:31]:
"Paris skies, Russian walls Music plays and all your thoughts fall empty for a... ...learn to let it fly can only change tomorrow Leave what's passed behind..."
Guest [02:01]:
"I chant and that way I can manifest my own wisdom."
Guest [10:34]:
"She took her own life... which is probably why I started to practice Buddhism."
Guest [18:35]:
"People often say to me, I have a dancer's mind. And I do because we tend to copy people a bit more and do what we're told."
Guest [25:26]:
"I've got to end it on the same question. And the last question I'm going to ask you is what are you going to do next?"
Episode 28 of Strangers on a Bench provides a heartfelt exploration of a dancer's life journey, marked by artistic passion, spiritual seeking, familial bonds, and personal loss. Through candid dialogue, Tom Rosenthal and his guest offer listeners a window into the complexities of balancing personal beliefs, relationships, and the inexorable passage of time. The episode serves as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the enduring quest for meaning and happiness.