EPISODE 29: Mushrooms, Mothers, and Dark Hours

Summary

Strangers on a Bench: EPISODE 29 – Mushrooms, Mothers, and Dark Hours

Host: Tom Rosenthal Release Date: March 31, 2025

In Episode 29 of Strangers on a Bench, host Tom Rosenthal engages in a profound and intimate conversation with an anonymous guest, delving deep into themes of self-discovery, substance abuse, family dynamics, and emotional healing. This episode, titled "Mushrooms, Mothers, and Dark Hours," takes listeners on an emotional journey through the guest's personal experiences and insights.

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1. Embracing Monday: A Day of Renewal

The conversation kicks off with a seemingly simple question: the guest's favorite day of the week. Contrary to popular preference for weekends, the guest reveals, "My favorite day of the week. I really do like a Monday, actually. I'm not gonna lie to you" (00:54). This choice stems from his desire to start the week with intentional actions that foster personal growth. He elaborates on the importance of initiating his week with activities that "enlighten me" (01:04), highlighting his ongoing journey of self-discovery.

2. The Journey of Self-Discovery

When pressed on how he began the process of finding himself, the guest shares, "I feel like you have to go through certain things to realize you're not in a specific place and where you thought you was" (01:33). This introspection was fueled by repeated patterns and unfulfilling routines, leading him to the realization that "nothing changes if nothing changes" (02:09). He acknowledges that his previous focus on conforming to societal norms and prioritizing others, especially his ex-partner, led to a loss of self-identity.

3. Reclaiming Personal Identity in Relationships

Discussing his approach to future relationships, the guest emphasizes the importance of maintaining individuality. He states, "I would keep us as separate people... you also need to have that sense of individuality" (03:36). This perspective reflects his commitment to preserving his identity while embracing the uniqueness of his partner, advocating for acceptance and understanding rather than conformity.

4. A Perfect Monday: Balancing Routine and Creativity

The guest paints a vivid picture of his ideal Monday, blending structured routines with creative pursuits. He details his morning rituals, including journaling about his dreams and engaging in physical activities like home workouts (04:35). His love for DIY crafts and poetry programs showcases his creative outlet, particularly his involvement in a spoken word album focused on mental health (06:19). Additionally, his affection for his cat, Solis, adds a personal and relatable touch to his daily life.

5. Mushrooms: Opening Minds and Ego Death

A significant portion of the conversation delves into the guest's experiences with mushrooms. Recounting his first encounter, he describes a profound connection with nature: "the trees were waving to me... Everything looked so fake, but everything was so connected" (08:07). His most recent experience led to an "ego death," where he realized, "the answer is love... Love isn't always like a straight line. Love is... It's all around" (08:38). This transformative experience allowed him to see beyond societal constructs and embrace his true self.

6. Overcoming Substance Abuse

The guest openly discusses his long-term struggle with substance abuse, starting with marijuana at age 13 and progressing to daily use until he was 20. He shares his recent triumph in overcoming this addiction: "I chose to do better" (11:01). His candid reflection on using substances as a coping mechanism for familial discord underscores the complexity of addiction and the strength required to overcome it.

7. Navigating Family Conflict

A particularly poignant segment addresses the guest's strained relationship with his mother and his brother's father. He recounts the deterioration of familial ties during his secondary school years, leading to his eventual decision to move out at 19 (13:07). The guest expresses deep-seated hurt and a sense of abandonment, emphasizing the necessity of self-reliance: "I've had to step in as a role as a mother, especially because my mother didn't really fulfill her role as a caregiver" (15:06).

8. Poetry as Healing and Empowerment

During the episode, the guest shares one of his most impactful poems, "2 in 1," which encapsulates his emotional struggles and journey toward self-empowerment. The poem touches on themes of abandonment, identity, and resilience, concluding with a powerful assertion of self-worth: "I am more me than I have ever been. And that is because of me" (20:35). Through poetry, he finds a medium to reclaim his narrative and heal from past wounds.

9. Facing Dark Hours: Lessons from Personal Struggles

The guest recounts the dark hours of his life during the COVID-19 pandemic, highlighting the exacerbation of his mental health issues and the lack of familial support. He candidly discusses his battles with self-harm and suicidal ideation, ultimately finding solace in the philosophy of "sitting in it" — acknowledging and accepting his emotions without succumbing to destructive behaviors (26:24). This segment offers valuable insights into coping mechanisms for those facing similar struggles.

10. Final Reflections and Moving Forward

Concluding the conversation, the guest shares his immediate plans, which include self-care activities like crafting and experimenting with his hair (32:19). His focus on small, manageable actions reflects a broader theme of gradual self-improvement and the importance of nurturing one's well-being.

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Notable Quotes:

• On Finding Self:
  "Nothing changes if nothing changes." – Guest (02:09)

• On Relationships:
  "You also need to have that sense of individuality." – Guest (03:36)

• On Substance Abuse Recovery:
  "I chose to do better." – Guest (11:01)

• On Poetry and Empowerment:
  "I am more me than I have ever been. And that is because of me." – Guest (20:35)

• On Overcoming Dark Times:
  "You have to sit in it. You genuinely have to sit in it." – Guest (27:53)

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Conclusion: In "Mushrooms, Mothers, and Dark Hours," Tom Rosenthal facilitates a deeply moving and honest dialogue that sheds light on the guest's path to self-awareness and healing. Through sharing personal anecdotes and emotional reflections, the episode underscores the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of introspection and creative expression. Listeners are left with a profound appreciation for the guest's vulnerability and the universal quest for identity and peace.

Transcript

[A]

Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench, where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a. Okay, we're off.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

We're flying. We're absolutely flying. Big winners. Big winners.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hi. First question. Nice and easy one. The first one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's your favorite day of the week?

[B]

My favorite day of the week. I really do like a Monday, actually. I'm not gonna lie to you.

[A]

Oh, controversial.

[B]

I know. I know.

[A]

Tell me why.

[B]

Because that's when I can actually get my week started. It definitely used to be, like, a Friday or a Saturday, but I feel like now, because I'm very much in the process of finding myself, I'm excited to have the beginning of the week come where I can fully indulge into the things that enlighten me. So it's a Monday.

[A]

Love that. You mentioned the process of finding yourself. How does one start that process? Did you wake up one morning, go, like, I'm finding myself now?

[B]

This is on. What's happening? I think it was an array of things. I feel like you have to go through certain things to realize you're not in a specific place and where you thought you was. So it was definitely a lot of repeating lessons and a lot of repeated feelings where I was like, this doesn't feel right. And then it got to a point where I was like, in my mind, I was doing a different approach, but it was never a different approach. It was always the same thing. So you can't watch the same movie and expect a different ending. And that's what I learned from it. And nothing changes if nothing changes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What were you specifically, like, doing wrong?

[B]

I was. I wasn't prioritizing myself. I was always focused on other people and how other people felt and how I can conform myself to societal norms. And I used to come out to the park, and then I haven't come out to the park in ages. And this is something that I always used to do. I always used to wake up, come to the park in the morning, and then that's how I start my day. And I haven't been doing that. Going back to my roots and going back to the things I originally started doing. That's where you're gonna build yourself up. Because if you don't do the things that, you know you like doing, then the foundation won't be sturdy at all.

[A]

I like That. I like that. So who were you giving too much attention to?

[B]

My ex. I was giving her way too much attention and energy and I was focusing so much on getting back together and having a relationship with her that I started to lose myself to conform myself to her standards and I lost myself. So now it's like I'm in the process of finding myself and I'm absolutely loving it.

[A]

That's wonderful. So imagine a human walks past here in five minutes. There's like your dream person, right? And they see you and you're there. Dream. And then as whirlwind, you know, within a week you're kind of officially together, let's say. What are you doing differently with. With them Having learnt what you've learned?

[B]

I would keep us as separate people. Like when you're in a long term relationship, a lot of similarities do come up and you might start dressing similar or you might start talking because you're around that person for so long. But you also need to have that sense of individuality. And I would definitely keep my own sense of identity and I would learn them as they come and not try to nitpick and pinpoint the differences about us. Because people are different and it comes to a point where it's just like you can't expect everyone to be like you. You have to accept the people as they are and learn about them as their own individual person.

[A]

That's beautiful. Great answer.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You mentioned Monday being your favorite day. Can you take me through what would be your perfect Monday?

[B]

My perfect Monday.

[A]

And as much detail as possible.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And what? You're waking up.

[B]

So I would wake up, I lay in my bed for a little bit because usually I have a dream. And then I would make a voice memo on my phone about my dream and the symbolisms and what I thought it could relate to. And then that's when my cat usually comes up and he wants some love, he wants some food. So he'll lay with me for a little bit.

[A]

Cat's name?

[B]

Solis.

[A]

Solis.

[B]

Lovely Solis. And then I'd get up, open my blinds, make my bed. I would brush my teeth. I would make some warm water with some key lime. And then I would have some oranges, some fruit, and then I would stretch. And then I would probably do like a home workout. Cause I really enjoy those. And then I probably come to the park, probably journal a little bit. I might bring Solas out with me. Sometimes he does come out with me.

[A]

Oh really?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's dragging the cat out no. Yeah, on a leash. And he has a cat bag. So I'd carry him in the bag, and I have the bag on my front, and then there's, like, a little window where he can stick his head out. And then when, like, I find, like, a secluded sport, I'll let him out. And then he don't like dogs, so he'll be hissing at the dogs.

[A]

How do people respond to you when you have the. When they have, like, they usually focus.

[B]

On him and not me. Like, it's always, oh, like, look at the cat. But, like, I don't really ever get a greeting. Like, a hello. Like, that would be nice, you know, like, I understand you're excited about the cat. Literally, like, without me, he wouldn't be here. So I just. Like, a little hello would be nice, but, yeah. And then I'd probably go home. I would craft something. Oh, nice.

[A]

Craft it.

[B]

Yeah. I love diy. I love arts and crafts. I love doing things myself.

[A]

What was the last thing you crafted? What kind of thing or what you want to craft?

[B]

Last night, I made a poem. I'm in a poetry program.

[A]

What is a poetry program?

[B]

So we're gonna make a spoken word album, and we have a live band as a backing track and this poem specifically because I've used spoken word as an outlet for my emotions for so long. And this poetry program is about, like, mental health and struggles. So I literally had to get my head down and work for three hours straight. I was really proud of what came out after that because I kept starting and stopping, starting and stopping, starting and stopping throughout the whole week. And yesterday I just got my hair done when I worked. And that's something that, like, there's something that I crafted to me, there's something that was so intricate and beautiful and something that I'm really proud of, to be fair. But usually, like, I make jewelry or I like to make things out of clay, and I'm wanting to get into crocheting and knitting. Like, I've already bought the stuff. It's just about doing it now. So I would definitely do something that I haven't done before. And then I really love cooking. I love cooking. So I'd probably cook a meal after the crafts. After the crafts. And then I'd probably do something musical towards the end of the day. Like, once I get into the flow of things, I get into the flow of things. That's when the day. It just. The hours pass me by, and I love it so much. So, yeah, I'll do something musical, and then to end the day off, I color, I stretch, and then I meditate and I go to bed.

[A]

Very solid. What is. When you color, what does that mean?

[B]

So, like, I've got a coloring book. Yeah, I've got this coloring book. And what kind of.

[A]

What kind of imagery?

[B]

It's a mushroom coloring book.

[A]

Different mushrooms.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's your, like, connection with mushrooms generally?

[B]

Well, I've done mushrooms, and that's something that has really opened up my eyes and broadened my horizons.

[A]

Tell me more.

[B]

So tell me about.

[A]

Maybe. Let's go for. Let's go for first time.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What was your first mushroom experience?

[B]

My first mushroom experience, I was in Battersea park, and I took it in a chocolate. So that was about 2 grams. And it was really nice. I've just seen a lot of synchronicities and, like, the ground was breathing, the trees were waving to me. I was seeing images in the clouds. Everything looked so fake, but everything was so connected at the same time. And it was really, really beautiful. And when I think about that, to my last shrooms experience, my last one was in December, actually, and that was like a whopping five grams.

[A]

Oh, so that's a double to the.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you get for 5 grams you don't get for 2?

[B]

I had an ego death, and that was so interesting to experience. Your ego literally sheds for that short amount of time. And I understood that the answer is love. And whether that be loving yourself, loving other people, you can never lose when you give out love. Do you know what I mean? And love isn't always like a straight line. Love is. It's all around.

[A]

So ego death.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What I understand by what you're saying about ego death is that what you just, like, you float outside of yourself, but basically you're not. You're not. You're not yourself. You're, like, removed from yourself somehow.

[B]

I guess. I guess in a way, yeah. You've got ego and soul. And when it comes down to having an ego death, you are consciousness. You are the love, you are the soul that you came with. And you are really able to see yourself underneath all of the insecurities, the projections, the societal norms. You're able to see who you are for who you came to be. And that was just a really nice experience because I was able to take so many lessons from that shrooms experience.

[A]

What stops you doing it more regularly? Is that a weird question? As in, you did it in December, but it's not, you know, a few.

[B]

Months after Now I feel like marijuana and shrooms they're medicines, and you can use it for the properties that it offers, but if you start to abuse it, then it's not going to have the same properties. Because I've struggled with substance abuse, especially with weeds, throughout a lot of my life. So when it comes down to wanting to do more, I could always. I always want to do more shrooms, but it's like, do I need to do more shrooms? You know? Yeah.

[A]

Can you talk to me more about substance abuse?

[B]

Yes. So I started smoking weed when I was 13, and that was on and off until I was about 16, 17. And then from 16, 17, it was constant. It was basically every day until I turned nine, until I was 20. So I only quit weed when it was only last month that I was fully like, okay, I'm gonna put a stop to this.

[A]

So really recently?

[B]

No. Yeah. 100.

[A]

Oh, amazing. Well done.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

How did you summon the, like, whatever you needed to stop?

[B]

It was just about me being truthful to myself because I kept saying I was going to do something and I wasn't doing it. And then my words started to lose meaning, and I didn't like that feeling for myself. And it links back into what we were talking about in the beginning. Nothing changes. There's nothing changes. Things are going to be hard either way. Being addicted to weed is going to be hard. Quitting weed is going to be hard. Choose which hard you're going to take, and I'm going to choose something that's going to better my health. So I just. I chose to do better.

[A]

Amazing. And so far, you're feeling good, I'm feeling amazing. That's great. So the picture you paint in your relationship with weed is one that, you know you're starting 13, only just giving up around now. So that's your kind of your whole kind of teenage years. When you look back now, how do you think it colored your teenage years? Like, what. What would that painting look like without it?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I use weed as a crutch because me and my family, we don't get along. And it got to a point between me and my family where things were so bad, I was like, well, I'm gonna use this as something to escape. And I don't remember a lot of my childhood because of that. And I think it was quite messy, to be fair. And something that I. I don't know. I'm just really. I feel sorry for my inner child because she felt like that's what she had to do. But it's also like I don't know who I would be without it. I felt like I had to go through a lot of things in order to transmute them into the person who I am today.

[A]

Do you. Can you talk to me about, if you don't mind me asking, you said you don't get along with your family. Like, what does that mean?

[B]

Me, my mum and my brother's dad, we don't really get along. Like, my brother's dad has been in my life since my brother was even born. And from growing up to primary school, beautiful relationship. And then I went to secondary school and then that's when everything just started crumbling down.

[A]

Relationship with family?

[B]

Yeah, we had a beautiful relationship up until secondary school. Yeah.

[A]

And then.

[B]

And then that's when it just started crumbling down. My mum's favorite phrase was, I was an angel in primary school, but I turned into the devil in secondary. And that's something that, like, it stuck with me because if I had turned out this way, then maybe. Let's take a look at my surroundings. I'm just a product of my environment. So what was going wrong at home in order for you to feel like that? And I was growing up and I think because I didn't have that, like, sweet, innocent, childlike mind or like, I wasn't the same person I was in primary school. They clearly didn't like that. And I don't feel like they handle my change very well. So we started clashing and then I started smoking weeds and Moving out at 19 is too young, but I moved out of 19 because I couldn't really handle being there anymore.

[A]

Yeah. Do you have any communication?

[B]

No, I blocked her, like, a couple months ago.

[A]

Blocked her on.

[B]

On my number? Yeah. So she can't contact me. I sent her a long paragraph about how I felt and she was just very dismissive and deflective and, like, she was very defensive. So she got blocked and I was like, you made your bed to lie in it.

[A]

Yeah. Can I ask about your biological father?

[B]

Yeah. So he. He wasn't in my life. He hasn't ever really been in my life.

[A]

Do you know why?

[B]

I don't. He says one thing, my mom says another thing, I don't really know. He says that my mom took me and never really allowed him to see me, but I didn't really believe that. And then my mom says that he just didn't want to see me, which that's something that I genuinely believe because, you know, if he wanted to, he would. He's a grown adult and we've Been in contact once or twice, but he hasn't really made an effort. So. Yeah.

[A]

What is anything for you, like, replace these figures who have, like, kind of deserted you, you know?

[B]

Myself, yeah. And I've had to take that role. I have to go back and nurture my inner child. I have to go back and process my feelings. I have to hold my hands and hold my head up high when I'm feeling a certain type of way based on what I've been through and based on what they put me through. So I've kind of had to step in as a role as a mother, especially because my mother didn't really fulfill her role as a caregiver. So I owe it all to myself.

[A]

If you kind of. I don't know how it happened, but I don't. Like a baby fell from the sky into your arms and was like, oh, that's. You're their mother. What would you do? What would you try and do differently?

[B]

I would listen a lot. I would hold space for their feelings. I would be there for them. I would let them make their own choices, make their own decisions, make their own mistakes. But I would also prevent things that can be prevented. I would allow them to go out into the real world, but I would also shape their world in a way that I want to see. Because with the healing that I'm doing now, I realized that my mom didn't do any healing. She could. She. I felt like she could have done more before having a child. So if one just fell from the sky magically, it's like, I'm obviously going to be learning as I go along, but I would love my child no matter what, and I would do everything I can to support them and make sure that they know that they're heard, loved and supported. I would always strive to be better than I was yesterday.

[A]

I'm just going to play like, mother's advocate. You know, there's so many, like, hormonal developmental shifts. Secondary school age is kind of a classic, you know, that kind of time. And parents can struggle to really adjust to that kind of like, new, like independence that. That new person, that something things developing and maybe too quickly for them or, you know, maybe they're struggling in their own life and they just can't. They don't have the time to somehow process this kind of changed being. I have heard nicely, I don't think necessarily think this will happen to you or might not might, who knows, but of kind of the relationship kind of repairing itself back around the other side, kind of like Once a child person has been through that kind of development time, do you think that's at all possible for you guys? What would she have to do, do.

[B]

You think, Apologize and take accountability? Yeah, she'd have to stop being dismissive, defensive, and deflecting the things that I'm telling her that she did to me. Because this is my perspective. These are my feelings. You can't turn around and be like, no, that didn't happen.

[A]

Is that what she says to you?

[B]

Yeah, 100%. She wouldn't validate me on my emotions, so she would have to meet me with sincerity and a heartfelt connection and a genuine want to do it.

[A]

Do you have an impression at all of how upset or not she is by you not talking to her?

[B]

She likes to pretend that she feels one thing when she doesn't. So, like, she will never admit that she kicked me out. The way she acts in private and the way she acts in public are two completely different people. I know exactly what she's feeling, but she's never going to portray that.

[A]

That time when she kicked you out, like, what do you remember that time?

[B]

I just remember coming home from college one day and then, like, she. I don't know, she has, like, little. Little episodes. So she was just like, get out. I was like, cool. It's like, I'm not doing this again with you. So I left and I never really came back. I was at a hostel for about a week and then I got my house in.

[A]

Yeah, it's really quite brave of you to do that. I mean, 19 is really young just to kind of like, I'm off now. Especially doing it on your own. Like, you weren't moving in with other people or you just only thin their back.

[B]

Well, funny thing is me and my ex got kicked out at the same time, so we both live in the same supported accommodation. She literally lives upstairs, so she was with me during that whole time. I didn't. The only support that I had was from my ex, and vice versa. The only support that my ex had was from me.

[A]

How do you feel if I asked you if you up for reading out one of your poems?

[B]

Oh, my gosh, I would love to.

[A]

100% take your time to go with whatever you feel like you want to. There's no.

[B]

Yeah, this was my favorite one. This is my favorite poem to date. They're two poems combined into one. And this is one that actually I went on open mic and I won the open mic section, so I was able to be a headliner. And it's something that just. My poems flow through me, and that's why I have such a big connection with music. So.

[A]

Yeah, what's the title of this one?

[B]

It's literally. It's called 2 in 12 and 12 in 1.

[A]

2 in 1. Sorry. Right.

[B]

Yeah. Yep. Yep. Okay. I used to always look for love in a desperate, but I promise an innocent kind of way. My feelings fell into the wrong hands and, well, look what I'm doing today. They'd say, children who are abandoned grow up to love people who abandon them. If that's all you know, then what else do you look for? Hurt people. Hurt people. Hurt people. Leave people. I would sink my claws into the depths of my beloved as I desperately held on. My heart would fill with terror if me and my lover disagreed. Because if I was latched onto you then there was no running from me. Now I could turn around and play my cards. If I felt that you tried to slip from me, I would lie, I would creep. But I didn't know it would be this deep. Because when I fell for the first time ever, my whole perception had changed. And I learned many lessons or perh for the better. But the love that I was getting was all the love that I knew back then. So the love that was actually bullets and guns wasn't the love that was sweet and fun. I never felt complete. And even though my bakery was at home, I was always indulging in a sweet treat. There would be no wrong or right. I was right 100% of the times that we'd fight. And they'd say, when you grow up in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. So let me tell you, mum, the smell of my burns ashes will linger for as long as it requires. You stitched me together. You connected all my wires. The me that was built by you was the meat that was long time expired. You pieced me together. Your picture perfect daughter. The one that you could always brag about. The one that was a good example. Quiet, obedient, smart. I was every teacher's angel. I was every parent's dream. I was everything you wanted me to be until I wasn't. And you hated that. Sticks and stones didn't break my bones, but you and him did. I wasn't gently taken apart to be sculpted again. I was ripped from my already broken seams. I was mangled into a skin I did not belong to. The echo from your voice shoved and tackled me into somebody who I was not. The mask that you threw onto me is latched and ingrained in my skin. From the moment you opened your mouth, it clung onto me and I tried to rip it out from the root. I begged, I pleaded, I cried. But I was a kid. Maybe I wasn't a bad person. Maybe I was just 13. Maybe if you trace your fingers over my scars and had the thousand amounts of words that I never got to say, you would realize everything has changed. But I am more me than I have ever been. And that is because of me. I have to share it with you because it ends with me.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

How does it feel to read that? Is that one. How recent is that?

[B]

This was one that I did in September, I believe, but this was one that, like, it's empowering to read. And it was empowering to write as well, because, like, all of my poems come from a place of emotion. And I think with this one specifically, it was just. It was just a yes all around. It was just a yes, yes, yes. This is. This is it. Poetry is my outlet for my emotions because I could never. I didn't speak back to my mom, so I would write in poetry. And then this is why I share it with everyone else, because I feel like I'm reclaiming some of my power. So when this spoken word over comes out, I'm unblocking, I'm sending her the link for the album, and then I'm blocking her again.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What if you won't give her a chance to say anything, though?

[B]

No.

[A]

Interesting. Why?

[B]

Because if she wanted to pull up, she could pull up. So there are ways for her to get into contact. It's just about whether she wants to or not.

[A]

Yeah. That's fair. Actually, I quite like that you've given her a bit of a challenge there. Not the obvious. Obvious phone.

[B]

No. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Scenario to. To loop back around. I really. Well, I really hope that she.

[B]

Well, I hope she does whatever she feels is right to do.

[A]

Yeah. Do you think. What. Let's try. Let's try and say, 1. If it's okay with you, one, like, positive thing about your mum. Like, you know, what have you taken from her that you like?

[B]

She's very fiery. She's very passionate. She's very, like, solidified in, like, her ground, and she won't back down. She'll speak up if she needs to speak up, and she will stand up for other people as well. So that's something that I've def. I definitely see myself. And, like, at the end of the day, I love my mom as a person. You know, like, I feel like, she is a very independent woman. She is so strong willed and like, she has like a great wit to her. So she, she, she bites back. She bites back. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, let's, let's ask you a question in a scale of 1 to 10. One was light, 10 heavy. What question would you like to answer?

[B]

Oh, I'm a whole scale. Like, let's go for a seven.

[A]

Seven. Okay. You mentioned a couple of times earlier on like societal norms and kind of living outside of them or not respecting them. Whatever you want to. Whatever you want to call it. What do you mean by that? And also like, what do you think the problem are with societal norms?

[B]

I feel like this is like a three. Oh, really?

[A]

Oh, that's interesting. I like it. You know what? I really like that you're the first person that I've given them the scale and then they'd be like, no, that's a.

[B]

That's not that. Really.

[A]

That's not that number. So respect for that. Okay, what about the last time you cried?

[B]

The last time I cried.

[A]

More seven.

[B]

It's like a five.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, we can still. We can still keep going.

[B]

Okay, we can keep going.

[A]

Okay. Okay, let's go for what has been the darkest hour of your life.

[B]

The darkest hour of my life.

[A]

More seven.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Here we go. We got there. That was a process. That was a process.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, Covid times is horrible. Being stuck in a house with people that I didn't like was so draining. And because my mental health was so low, that's when, like, I would resort to self harm. And then my mum would fund my weed addiction as well. It felt like hush money, to be fair. So not being able to turn to anyone, being able to only turn Edwards not wanting to be here and like hating myself. I was just like, what if I just didn't wake up in the morning? There was a time where I did try to act upon that and I was like, well, I can't really properly go through with this. That's just because I didn't have like the necessities at the time. Even though I still like attempted to take like a bunch of different pills. I woke up and I just felt so sluggish. I felt so horrible the morning after. Like, I woke up and my mum, because she didn't know that I did that, she was like, well, get out of bed, it's 12. Like you're being lazy. Like, get up and do something. And then it was kind of. It kind of hurt because I wasn't actually able to tell her that, like, you know, I'm not feeling well because of this thing that I just did. So I just had to kind of like suck it up. And I showered and I kind of. I don't really know what I did the rest of the day, but I just something.

[A]

If someone was listening to this and they were also enduring a kind of a dark hour, like, what would you say? What kind of. What eventually kind of pulled you out of that?

[B]

You have to sit in it. You genuinely. You have to sit in it. You have to sit and accept what you're feeling and what you're going through. And you have to want to do better things. You have to want to get better. You have to want to pull yourself out of that hole because it's so, it's so easy staying so low because you don't have to do anything, but you're just like further engaging in that behavior which then makes you feel worse. It's different to like sitting in it and then indulging in it. Sitting in it is acknowledging your feelings, feeling your feelings, like observing your thoughts. Indulging in it is listening to the thoughts and like doing things that won't make you feel any better. Like, I understand you might not have the energy to like get up and do things, but you can at least wash your face on a day like today, for example, go and sit by the window and just let the sun be in your face. Start with the little things because the little things are going to add up and they're going to build up and they start becoming easier to do. So that's when you're able to amp it up and that's when you're able to like, okay, maybe I want to go for a walk, maybe I'm going to cook myself a meal. It's things that we take for granted as well, like actually being able to get up and brush your teeth is a challenge and a chore for some people. So give yourself grace, but don't allow yourself to take advantage of that too.

[A]

Answer.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I'm going to ask a question I haven't asked anyone. Tell me if it's rubbish, okay? Cuz I, I think of these questions like on trains and stuff and you never know until you actually ask someone.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Is there a question that people ask you you don't like being asked?

[B]

Oh, what's it like being vegan? I don't like that question. I really don't. And it's like the whole reason why I don't like it is because I think it stems from ignorance and I think it stems from being closed minded. And then, oh man, they're like, oh, what do you. Are you eating grass? It's not funny. It's actually not funny. Just like at the end of the day I'm eating healthier than you. So it's like I'm not, I'm not phased. But it's also like, don't ask me silly questions that you haven't gone out of your way to research. And you're only asking because you feel some sort of judgment to my dietary and lifestyle.

[A]

I think that went quite well. Thanks for being the first. That's a great answer. That's a great answer. Okay, here's something I like to do sometimes because people listening to this will be somewhere we're obviously here, only we can see where we are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you explain what you can see and how that makes you feel?

[B]

I love seeing the different shapes and the leaves of all the different types of trees around me. I love seeing like the different lengths of the grass that surround me. And I love seeing like all the different places that like I've hid before or that I've sat in before. I love seeing all the different trees that I've spoken to. And you get to be in peace. And especially when no one's here, like a Sunday morning. I love seeing all the families here, seeing the kids play in the football cage. It brings me joy because it's like I'm seeing the joy that comes from you guys being here. And that fills me up with something because just seeing everyone live their life is quite refreshing. And like, even like the little children, little people bikes and seeing them be kids again, like, it reminds me that I too was once like that. And that doesn't have to stop because I'm not classified as a kid, but I can still have that childlike mind and innocence if I allow it to come out.

[A]

Beautiful. We've reached final question. So this one you could either answer in a kind of like grand way or a kind of just very mundane today kind of way. And that is, what are you going to do next?

[B]

What am I going to do next? Like today?

[A]

Well, that's it. However you want to do, you do both. If you want, you could do today long term. You could do this today. You do long whatever you want.

[B]

I think what I'm going to do next is I'm gonna do my hair. I'm gonna go to the shop and I'm gonna go buy some braid in hair and I'm going to do something that I want to do rather than, like, feeling like I have to do this, this, and this, because I feel like experimenting with my hair is something so fun and something that I'm. I feel grateful to have the privilege to do. So I'm gonna buy. I need to buy my cat food, and then I'm gonna get back. I'm gonna craft something on my head.

[A]

Fantastic. Well, thank you so much for your time.

[B]

Thank you so much for interviewing me. Yes. I had so much fun.

[A]

Oh, lovely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's so nice to hear. Thank you.

[B]

Of course. There's something in me? That longs to be loved by you? Does that mean I have to choose? There's something in me that wants to be free from you? I know what I have to do? Even if it means losing.

[A]

Sa.