EPISODE 44: A Second Life - Strangers on a Bench

Summary5 min read

Podcast Summary: Strangers on a Bench - EPISODE 44: A Second Life

Release Date: July 14, 2025
Host: Tom Rosenthal

Introduction

In Episode 44 of Strangers on a Bench, titled "A Second Life," host Tom Rosenthal engages in a profound and heartfelt conversation with an anonymous guest, referred to here as Listener 2. Over the course of their interaction, Listener 2 delves into themes of genealogy, family history, personal loss, coping mechanisms, and reflections on life and relationships. This episode offers listeners an intimate glimpse into the complexities of Listener 2's life journey, marked by resilience and self-discovery.

Embarking on a Genealogy Journey

Listener 2 shares their deep interest in genealogy, which began approximately five years ago. This pursuit stems from a desire to uncover their Scottish and Irish ancestry, as Listener 2's grandparents had passed away before their birth.

[01:50] Listener 2: "Well, I'm into genealogy in a big way."

As Listener 2 delves into their family roots, they unveil fascinating discoveries, including a potential descent from a significant religious figure and uncovering unknown relatives.

[02:40] Listener 2: "It looks as if I may be descended from the First Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland."

Unveiling Personal Family History

Listener 2 recounts the challenges faced by their mother, who grew up in poverty and endured significant hardships, including her father's struggle with alcoholism and the subsequent separation of her siblings into care. Through meticulous research, Listener 2 uncovers hidden facets of their mother's life and even connects with a previously unknown living cousin.

[05:34] Listener 2: "I've got much more respect for my mother from what she went through."

This exploration not only sheds light on Listener 2's lineage but also fosters a deeper appreciation for their mother's resilience and sacrifices.

Husband's Illness and Tragic Death

A poignant chapter of Listener 2's life revolves around the untimely death of her husband. Diagnosed with a rare form of jaw cancer at the age of 49, his battle was fraught with painful surgeries and prolonged suffering, ultimately leading to his demise.

[09:09] Listener 2: "He wasn't the nicest of death because he hung on far too long. ... It took him nearly two months to die."

The impact of this loss is profoundly felt, particularly by their 17-year-old son, who yearns for moments he never got to share with his father.

[09:23] Listener 2: "He always says, I wish I could have gone for a pint with my dad."

Coping and Pursuing a Second Life

In the aftermath of her husband's passing, Listener 2 channels her grief into meaningful endeavors. Inspired by a desire to honor her husband's memory and contribute to cancer research, she undertakes a charity walk in China, raising funds and awareness for the cause.

[10:13] Listener 2: "It was really interesting. I don't know if you've ever heard of the Three Gorges Dam on the Yangtze River."

This experience serves as a transformative journey, allowing Listener 2 to find purpose and emotional healing amidst her sorrow.

Reflections on Loneliness and Human Connection

Listener 2 reflects on her nature as a loner and the solace she finds in her own company. Despite her solitary tendencies, she emphasizes the importance of human connection and the unexpected bonds formed through her genealogy research.

[12:05] Listener 2: "And one thing you might have noticed is I'm not scared of talking. I'm always able to talk to people and find somebody like you that I can talk to, you know. So you're never alone."

This sentiment underscores the episode's central theme of finding companionship and understanding even in the most unlikely of places.

Views on Religion and Spirituality

Listener 2 discusses her complex relationship with religion, shaped significantly by her husband's illness and subsequent death. Initially raised with religious undertones, she grapples with faith in the face of suffering and loss.

[14:59] Listener 2: "If there was a merciful God, would He have let him suffer. I never went to church, you know, before that."

Her candid contemplation highlights the struggle many face when reconciling personal beliefs with life's harsh realities.

Memories, Regrets, and Lessons Learned

A heartfelt moment arises when Listener 2 opens up about a past romantic regret—breaking a cardinal rule by getting involved with a friend, which led to hurt feelings and lost friendships.

[26:38] Listener 2: "I think I hurt him. ... I didn't handle it particularly well, and I knew it must have hurt him."

This vulnerability offers listeners a relatable glimpse into the mistakes and lessons that shape one's character over time.

Conclusion and Final Reflections

As the conversation winds down, Listener 2 imparts wisdom gleaned from her life experiences. She emphasizes the importance of understanding others' struggles and the value of kindness.

[29:19] Listener 2: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything, you know, unless you're having a fight with them."

In the final moments, Listener 2 contemplates her next steps, hinting at continued personal growth and exploration.

[29:47] Listener 2: "If it gets too hot... I may go to the museum in the aquarium on the way back and just chill."

Notable Quotes

On Respect for Her Mother:

"[05:34] Listener 2: I've got much more respect for my mother from what she went through."
On Companionship:

"[12:05] Listener 2: ... So you're never alone."
On Regret:

"[26:38] Listener 2: I think I hurt him."
On Kindness:

"[29:19] Listener 2: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything..."

Insights and Takeaways

The Power of Genealogy:
Listener 2's journey underscores how tracing one's ancestry can unearth hidden family stories, foster connections, and provide a sense of identity and belonging.
Resilience in the Face of Loss:
Her ability to transform personal tragedy into purposeful action exemplifies human resilience and the capacity to find meaning amidst pain.
The Importance of Human Connection:
Despite her solitary nature, Listener 2 highlights that meaningful relationships and understanding can be found in unexpected places, emphasizing the universal need for companionship.
Navigating Faith and Doubt:
Her reflections on religion reveal the internal conflicts individuals may face when confronting suffering, prompting deeper questions about belief and spirituality.
Lessons from Regrets:
Acknowledging past mistakes allows for personal growth and a better understanding of how actions impact others, fostering empathy and improved future relationships.

Conclusion

Episode 44 of Strangers on a Bench offers a compelling narrative of Listener 2's "second life," marked by personal discovery, overcoming adversity, and forging meaningful connections. Through candid conversations and poignant reflections, Tom Rosenthal facilitates a space for listeners to contemplate their own life journeys, the legacy of family histories, and the enduring human spirit.

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Transcript325 lines

[00:04]
Host
Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? Do you have a favorite day of the week?
[00:52]
Listener 1
No.
[00:56]
Host
Perfect start. Did you ever have one?
[01:02]
Listener 2
Well, probably a Sunday because I didn't have to go to work.
[01:07]
Host
Now take me through a. Let's pick a day, any random day.
[01:12]
Listener 2
Right.
[01:13]
Host
What is your idea of a day really well lived?
[01:16]
Listener 2
I don't. Okay. Well, I naturally wake up about five in the morning.
[01:21]
Listener 1
Oof.
[01:22]
Host
Early.
[01:23]
Listener 2
Yep.
[01:23]
Host
Are you a farmer?
[01:24]
Listener 2
No. Do I look like a farmer?
[01:28]
Host
Well, you never know. It's all possible.
[01:32]
Listener 2
I've always been an early riser, although I've been retired a long time. It's never changed. Unless I'm doing something I don't necessarily get up. So I potter about with my iPad and. Oh, that's rubbish that folk do.
[01:47]
Host
Now what happens on your iPad?
[01:51]
Listener 2
Well, I'm into genealogy in a big way.
[01:54]
Host
When did that start?
[01:56]
Listener 2
Probably about five years ago, maybe. My grandparents were all dead before I was born and I knew my dad, his ancestry was Scottish and my mum's family were all Irish and they came over to Scotland seeking work and that is as much as I knew. So I decided that, you know, bags of free time and started to do it now. And yeah, it's been really interesting journey.
[02:24]
Host
Can you tell me of all the breakthroughs you've made.
[02:28]
Listener 2
Right.
[02:29]
Host
What's been the one that's most interesting surprised you?
[02:33]
Listener 2
Well, it's a bit circumstantial, the evidence, because I'm going back quite a long way.
[02:38]
Host
We like it. We like circumstantial evidence. We'll take anything.
[02:41]
Listener 2
Right. Yeah. It looks as if I'm. And I'll say at this point, I'm not the least bit religious, but it looks as if I may be descended from the First Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland. That's quite interesting.
[02:57]
Host
That is quite interesting.
[02:59]
Listener 2
But little things, you know, even things about my own mother that I never knew.
[03:03]
Listener 1
Really.
[03:04]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[03:04]
Host
Like what?
[03:06]
Listener 2
She came from quite a poor family, whereas my dad's family were, you know, they were farmers and.
[03:12]
Host
There we go. Not far off.
[03:15]
Listener 2
Good guess. And while they were never wealthy, they were always able to eat and, you know, different life. Completely different. I knew she'd lost her mother when she was in her teens. She had four siblings.
[03:31]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[03:32]
Listener 2
The dad lost the plot and hang. It took to the drink, yeah. And she was the eldest of a family. My mom was about 17.
[03:39]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[03:40]
Listener 2
And the family got split up. The other three get taken into care and went away.
[03:46]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[03:47]
Listener 2
Which I've managed to trace. One of them, which I didn't know had an illegitimate child. So I've discovered a. A cousin that I didn't know that I had.
[03:57]
Listener 1
Amazing.
[03:58]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[03:58]
Host
A living cousin.
[03:59]
Listener 2
A living cousin, yeah.
[04:00]
Host
Have you met this living cousin?
[04:01]
Listener 2
No, I haven't met her. She lives quite a long way away from me.
[04:05]
Host
Have you been in touch?
[04:05]
Listener 2
I've been in touch, but she was trying to.
[04:08]
Host
How did you start that message?
[04:09]
Listener 2
Basically, I just sent her a message saying, it looks as if we were related.
[04:14]
Host
Is that the first line?
[04:16]
Listener 2
More or less. And she came back and she says, I was adopted.
[04:20]
Listener 1
Okay.
[04:21]
Listener 2
The legitimacy. Yeah. But this woman had obviously done some research and knew who her mother was.
[04:27]
Listener 1
Okay.
[04:28]
Listener 2
But she was dead. She died. So I simply went back and said, you have relatives but your mother's dead, you know. And I said, you know, told her little bits that I knew about her mother because basically what happened when all three of my mum's siblings, when they came out of whatever care they were in, came and stayed with my mum for a little while. So she did come back to the town that I stay in and I suspect that's where her mother fell pregnant.
[04:56]
Listener 1
I see.
[04:57]
Host
You're quite the detective, basically now.
[04:59]
Listener 2
Yeah, well, it's detective work basically, but your own family. Yeah, yeah.
[05:11]
Host
All these things we discovered about your mum, if you could see her this afternoon.
[05:16]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[05:17]
Host
Some kind of. That might even make you religious. But if you could see her this afternoon, I think it would. That might change it. And knowing what you know now, would you say anything to her that you didn't say before?
[05:35]
Listener 2
I've got much more respect for my mother from what she went through. She always had a massive guilt because she felt that she should have kept the family together. She was 17 year old, for fuck's sake. You know, she was a tiny little feisty woman.
[05:48]
Listener 1
Right.
[05:49]
Listener 2
So I would say to her, you did as much for your family as you possibly could. And she must have put up an awful lot when she married my dad for a kickoff. Different religions, you know, so.
[06:02]
Host
And she was as you're 17.
[06:03]
Listener 2
No, she was a bit older than that when. Maybe 18, 19 or something like that when she married my dad and she was pregnant with me as well, you know, she wasn't particularly well educated. She was at school during the war in a Catholic school and it was run by nuns and she was. My mum was really partially deaf and they kept calling her stupid, stupid, stupid, you know, and all that sort of thing. And that had a profound effect on my mum as well, you know, so there was a lot of things that my mum had to put up with that gave her the issues that she had.
[06:40]
Host
Do you think on the whole that we don't push hard enough.
[06:44]
Listener 2
No.
[06:44]
Host
To find out about our parents when they're actually alive?
[06:46]
Listener 2
No, not at all.
[06:48]
Host
And we probably should do that.
[06:49]
Listener 2
Yeah, absolutely.
[06:50]
Host
And also you're kind of keeping them alive at the same time.
[06:53]
Listener 2
Yeah. And one of the reasons I'm so obsessed with my genealogy is I want my family to know.
[06:59]
Host
Yes, of course.
[07:00]
Listener 2
Like my grandchildren, they're obviously lucky to have me. But my husband died at young as well. So there's, you know, there's a whole lot of their family as well. So, you know, if you've got family, maybe you should think about things that are in your family.
[07:15]
Host
You know what, I definitely haven't covered all the bases, but it's something that I've been quite preoccupied by fairly recently. So.
[07:20]
Listener 2
Have you.
[07:21]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[07:21]
Listener 2
That's funny.
[07:22]
Host
So. So yeah, I, I actually sat down with my mum and kind of interviewed her.
[07:26]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[07:26]
Listener 1
About.
[07:27]
Listener 2
That's very important.
[07:28]
Host
And the way actually if you record it well, it gives it a kind of gravitas and then kind of meaning and a kind of. You feel like, okay, this is the time now. Yeah, that was quite important thing to do.
[07:36]
Listener 2
And when they're alive, they'll tell you things that you wouldn't find out.
[07:42]
Host
Oh, for sure. No, I wouldn't. I mean, she told me various bits and bobs. I just wouldn't have known.
[07:46]
Listener 2
Yeah. And it's all very well, you know, having, you know, the paper evidence, but there's much more to life than paper evidence, if you get it.
[07:57]
Host
Tell me about your. You see, your husband died quite young.
[08:00]
Listener 2
Yes.
[08:00]
Host
Can you tell me about that?
[08:02]
Listener 2
He was 49 when he died.
[08:03]
Listener 1
Oh God.
[08:04]
Listener 2
Yeah. And he developed a very rare form of cancer. My husband was a non smoker and a very modest drinker, but he worked in a place where in those days you could smoke at work. And he worked in quite a confined atmosphere. And the cancer he developed was cancer of the jaw. He had two major operations which lasted 14 hours. So it was major surgery. Major surgery. And unfortunately other things happened just while he was in hospital. And then he died. Yeah. And it wasn't the nicest of death because he hung on far too long. Obviously cancer. Joy couldn't feed so he was getting fed intravenously and eventually they took his feed away and it took him nearly two months to die. So you can imagine that wasn't very nice either. So it left a big effect, obviously on the family, but particularly my son, he took it. Taking it because he was only 17.
[09:10]
Listener 1
Oh, God.
[09:11]
Listener 2
So, yeah, I fill up just thinking about it. Yeah. He always says, I wish I could have gone for a pint with my dad. Oh, you know, it still brings tears to my eyes.
[09:24]
Host
So sad.
[09:26]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[09:27]
Listener 2
I mean, it's such a simple thing, isn't it? You know, it's not.
[09:30]
Host
You could have seen me going down the aisle. Completely. Completely. How did you. How did you get through that time?
[09:42]
Listener 2
Well, I think I must have some of my mum's strength. What it taught me was I wanted to live, you know. So, yeah, I've done a lot of things after that. My husband, he works in the shipyards and his idea of a holiday was going to somewhere in the sun and lying on a bench for two weeks, which I was happy to do because he worked really hard. But then I did a walk for charity. But it wasn't like any old walk, it was in China.
[10:12]
Host
Oh, wow.
[10:14]
Listener 2
Yeah, it was for cancer research. And it opened my eyes to a whole new world. He died the year before what would have been our silver wedding. And we were planning the big holiday, you know, which obviously was not going to happen. And I thought, right, I have to do something. And then I thought, well, I'll do a charity walk. And obviously it had to be for cancer research. And that's the one that came up, a long walk, not just a 50 mile hike or something like that. And it was really interesting. I don't know if you've ever heard of the Three Gorges Dam on the Yangi River. Well, it was in the process of being built and what was going to happen was the river was going to be flooded, but where we were walking was the old main road and that was going to be hidden by water.
[11:08]
Listener 1
Okay.
[11:09]
Listener 2
So that was interesting. I thought, I'm going to walk somewhere that nobody's going to walk after me kind of thing.
[11:15]
Host
Momentous.
[11:16]
Listener 2
It was, and it was a wonderful experience. Very emotional. Very emotional.
[11:22]
Host
Because you're thinking about your.
[11:23]
Listener 2
Not while I was walking, because I just wanted to get from A to B. At the end.
[11:28]
Listener 1
Okay.
[11:29]
Listener 2
At the end, I just burst into floods of tears.
[11:46]
Host
I mentioned that you said, you know, after he died, you said it made me want to live. Does that mean that you felt like you hadn't been Doing as much living as you might do before that. As in, was it like always?
[12:02]
Listener 2
I was just too busy bringing up my family.
[12:05]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[12:05]
Listener 2
And the things that. That involves, you know, and seeing to them and just the basics of living, you know, when it realized there was only me now. So it's me time that I can do things on my own. And I think, to be fair, although I had half sisters, I was also a single child, so I've always been able to do things on my own. And one thing you might have noticed is I'm not scared of talking.
[12:36]
Host
This is true.
[12:38]
Listener 2
I'm always able to talk to people and, you know, find somebody like you that I can talk to, you know. So you're never alone.
[12:47]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[12:47]
Listener 2
You know, you're never alone.
[12:50]
Host
What do. What do you. Not to be? I don't mean this to be a painful question, but more positive one. What do you miss most about your husband?
[12:57]
Listener 2
You know, I miss just having the company when you're home alone at night, watching telly, talking just the stupid nonsense that you talk or if something's not going well, bouncing that off somebody, you know, that's the one thing I really miss. Just the companionship. Would I, you know, from having my first life and my second life. Would I swap it in a minute? I would, yeah. Yeah.
[13:29]
Host
But you're doing your best second life you can.
[13:32]
Listener 2
You only have one life, so you've got to make the best of it.
[13:36]
Host
It's completely true.
[13:37]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[13:39]
Host
What do you think he would think of your adventures now?
[13:42]
Listener 2
He'd take arms off my head. Yeah. Yeah.
[13:47]
Host
That's interesting. Do you keep anything of him when you're. As in any physical items or photographs, anything like that, when you're kind of going about.
[13:56]
Listener 2
Is there rather have it in my head?
[13:59]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[14:00]
Listener 2
Not because I didn't love him or, you know, whatever. It's just. I suppose I'm just a different person.
[14:08]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[14:09]
Listener 2
You know.
[14:09]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[14:10]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[14:11]
Host
You mentioned you lot. So you, you know, you kind of.
[14:14]
Listener 1
Lost.
[14:16]
Host
Religion at some point or, you know.
[14:18]
Listener 2
No.
[14:19]
Host
Did you ever have it?
[14:20]
Listener 1
No.
[14:20]
Listener 2
Well, no. I mean, I went to Sunday school when you and all that sort of nonsense. And I was married in church and I think both my children were baptized.
[14:29]
Host
So you started strongly there, church wise.
[14:34]
Listener 2
But then I don't think my husband's illness helped.
[14:39]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[14:39]
Host
Does that make sense? That makes a lot of sense.
[14:41]
Listener 2
You know, I think that's maybe when I went right, you know, this is a lot of rubbish.
[14:45]
Host
Not for me.
[14:46]
Listener 2
Not for me. Yeah. If there was a merciful God, would He have let him suffer. You know, I never went to church, you know, before that.
[14:59]
Host
You certainly were going to start going after that. Not even your genealogy is going to.
[15:04]
Listener 2
No, not at all.
[15:05]
Host
You're tracing back to your.
[15:07]
Listener 2
He's probably looking down. There'll be a big bolt of lightning coming down.
[15:10]
Host
He's probably like, where did it all go wrong? I was doing so well in your. This second life of yours, this adventure, this adventure time.
[15:31]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[15:31]
Host
That has led you, you know, both you and me to this bench in a. In a city that isn't ours. It's quite comical.
[15:37]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[15:40]
Host
We're both on our individual adventures. Can you think of any moments where you felt most euphoric?
[15:48]
Listener 2
Euphoric?
[15:50]
Host
I mean, euphoric's may be a big word, but, yeah, kind of, you know, most joyous.
[15:55]
Listener 2
Well, I think, you know, when I've visited places, you know, Taj Mahal and, you know.
[16:01]
Host
Is Taj Mahal good?
[16:04]
Listener 2
Well, yeah, not bad. It's all right, you know. No, it's magnificent, you know.
[16:09]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[16:10]
Listener 2
But important buildings and places and think I'm here.
[16:16]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[16:17]
Listener 2
You know what I mean? And I suppose a sense of euphoria there, you know, because I think this will be Lassie for Scotland has done this and to see, you know, because I'm into wildlife in a big way. To see wild animals in the plains of Africa, you know, I only ever saw in a zoo, you know. You know, just things like that, you know, that's what makes life worth living. But I've moved on now. I mean, this is me coming to Bristol.
[16:51]
Host
But now we're in Bristol.
[16:52]
Listener 2
And now we're in Bristol.
[16:54]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[16:54]
Host
So you see, you've moved on from super wild adventures to just smaller adventures.
[16:59]
Listener 2
Yeah, yeah.
[17:00]
Host
But still adventures nonetheless.
[17:02]
Listener 2
Yeah. And here I am and I walked after being up the tower. I sat down here and this stranger walked up to me.
[17:11]
Host
This weird guy walked up to you. Did you ever want to, or have you ever wanted to find anyone else in your life?
[17:32]
Listener 2
Early on there was someone. I thought, no, I think I am a loner, you know, I'll get married. I think maybe in another life I wouldn't have got married. You know what I mean?
[17:44]
Listener 1
Really?
[17:44]
Host
You know, that's interesting. Do you count yourself as a loner, just full stop. And you just happened to get married?
[17:51]
Listener 2
Well, in many ways, you know, I mean, I wasn't someone who had lots and lots of boyfriends when I was young, you know.
[17:58]
Host
Do you feel like you were a bit of a loner as a child as well?
[18:01]
Listener 2
Well, yes, I was, you know, what would be. I had loads of pals. Don't get me wrong.
[18:05]
Host
You just enjoyed your own company.
[18:07]
Listener 2
Well, I think circumstances made me, yeah.
[18:10]
Host
As, you know, as a child. If you can imagine a Sunday as a child, what would. What would a typical Sunday be spent.
[18:16]
Listener 2
In your own company, at home if it was a wet day? You know, nowadays kids spend their life on the Internet.
[18:23]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[18:24]
Listener 2
Well, it was encyclopedias.
[18:25]
Listener 1
Oh, yes.
[18:26]
Listener 2
In the old days, we had a set of encyclopedias. I mean, at one point, I could have told you the flag of almost any country in the world. I don't even know the names of the countries. Now.
[18:39]
Host
Does that mean. Do you have a favorite flag?
[18:42]
Listener 2
Oh, well, there's only one with my accent.
[18:46]
Host
Scottish flag is a good flag. So just what, you head in the encyclopedia. Yeah, that was it.
[18:53]
Listener 2
Yeah. You know, pals in the street. We were allowed out to play on a Sunday if it was a nice day without playing my pal out, my bike playing, skipping games and all the stuff that kids. My generation did, you know.
[19:05]
Host
Did you have any mysterious local figures?
[19:08]
Listener 2
Oh, yeah. You mean one of these.
[19:11]
Host
Well, they could. Sorry, worthies. No, I haven't heard of that.
[19:14]
Listener 2
That's cool.
[19:15]
Host
And that means a mysterious local figure.
[19:17]
Listener 2
Yeah. Gently. Who maybe had fallen in hard times.
[19:22]
Listener 1
Okay.
[19:23]
Listener 2
And he maybe had a. Over enjoyment of refreshments, you know. But. Yeah. Dunbarton was full of them. Full of them. Just various people. And they were all known, you know, and in my town, there was one colored face when I was young.
[19:42]
Host
There's one.
[19:43]
Listener 2
One. And he was known as a name that wouldn't be allowed.
[19:48]
Listener 1
Okay.
[19:49]
Listener 2
In these days, day and ages, he was known as that. Right.
[19:53]
Host
And he, you know, imagine this being the only. It must be so isolating.
[19:57]
Listener 2
But he was very much part of the community. You know, he'd get married. He presumably married a white man. I can't remember that much detail of it, but I mean, if anybody of my generation used that name. And we would. Because that's. That's what he was known as.
[20:13]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[20:14]
Listener 2
You know, that's why our generation, I think, find it quite difficult with this, you know, what's right and what's wrong to say, you know.
[20:24]
Host
Yeah, I get that. You know, I mean, it's tricky when you're growing up saying one thing and suddenly you have to say another.
[20:28]
Listener 1
I understand.
[20:29]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[20:29]
Host
You know, sometimes I think it's not so much what you say is what you do.
[20:34]
Listener 2
Exactly.
[20:34]
Host
So if you're. If you're integrating and you're being welcoming to whoever is Coming in. That's more important than saying the right word.
[20:41]
Listener 2
Sometimes not on colour. I'll tell you a classic example of things that men might say to women that were offensive. And I worked with two guys at my workplace. One of them could say the most outrageous things to me, you know, and he did. And did.
[21:01]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[21:01]
Listener 2
But I was not offended because I knew. I knew the person and I knew it was just silly banter.
[21:10]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[21:10]
Listener 2
You know, you never made any physical. That was just chat. The other one could say something that was half as offensive and I could feel my flesh crawl. Do you know what I mean? So it's not always about what people say, it's the context it's in. And that's where the whole, you know, what you can and cannot do is problematic, because not always is something that's not quite right, offensive. And it's getting the balance right. And that's where the individual has a responsibility.
[22:03]
Host
Can you think back to what was you considered the happiest? You know, if you could go back to one year of living where you are now, what year would you choose?
[22:15]
Listener 2
I did enjoy the time when, you know, I met my husband and because he was part of the group, although I didn't know him, he was, like, nearly two years older, which, when you're younger, it's like 100 years, isn't it?
[22:30]
Host
Yeah, exactly.
[22:32]
Listener 2
You know, it's only as you get nearer, you know. But it was part of the group because they used to. I mean, the pub used to have a back room and there used to be maybe 30 of us all around this big, big table, you know, and it was one place because back in the days, genteel women didn't wander into pubs to the way that it's accepted practice now. But I knew I could go on my own and there would be folk that I would know. So I didn't feel that strangeness of walking into the pub. And we just had a good time, you know, and that was happy, carefree time, you know, no responsibilities and, you.
[23:11]
Host
Know, can you remember the moment where you first formed a connection with your husband to be?
[23:17]
Listener 2
We met. We met through one of the group. I used to be a keen supporter of my local football team and I used to go to the game. It's over a lot of these people, and my husband was a member as well, but I never knew him. We didn't always necessarily stand together or we stand In a group, 30 people, you don't always. He didn't stand out from the crowd. I think that's what you see, but it was through one of the group. It was his 21st birthday and he was having it in the. The local place. And he allegedly. It was one of his pals, tried to introduce.
[24:02]
Listener 1
Okay.
[24:03]
Listener 2
Into me. I didn't particularly like him at first, really, because he kept wanting to buy my drink. And I'd had, you know.
[24:10]
Host
You had enough.
[24:10]
Listener 2
I had got to the tanks full.
[24:12]
Listener 1
Okay.
[24:13]
Listener 2
Right.
[24:13]
Host
And you felt that he was pushing you?
[24:15]
Listener 2
No, I don't think he was. I think he just didn't know anything else to say, you know. I don't think he was trying to get me drunk or anything.
[24:22]
Host
So then how did it fit?
[24:23]
Listener 2
Well, it never. Nothing really much happened initially. And then it kind of developed, you know, drifted on, you know, and, I mean, things were very different back in that day. You know, we're going back 45 years ago now, so life was very different to what life is now. You know, we didn't live with anybody back in those days. We were. Funny, I was talking to somebody just now, you know, about when we bought our house. I said, we had it a year before we get married, but we didn't live together. And she goes, no, you didn't do it back in those days. You know, some people did because I'm too young for the hippie generation.
[25:03]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[25:14]
Host
Do you have any visions of what you want your funeral to look like?
[25:18]
Listener 2
I don't want a. I don't want a churchy funeral.
[25:21]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[25:21]
Listener 2
No. But I don't want him to be sad, so there'll be no black.
[25:26]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[25:27]
Listener 2
And I've kind of half picked the songs.
[25:30]
Listener 1
Okay.
[25:30]
Host
Half.
[25:31]
Listener 2
Half picked. I haven't run it by the family.
[25:34]
Host
We did.
[25:35]
Listener 2
Sure.
[25:35]
Host
You don't need to, though.
[25:36]
Listener 2
Yeah.
[25:38]
Host
What song would you like played in particular?
[25:41]
Listener 2
Well, one of the songs is the old Frankie Boy, I Did It My Way.
[25:49]
Host
That's, I think, one of the most famous funeral songs.
[25:51]
Listener 2
Yeah. But I think it's quite apt. Is it not for me?
[25:54]
Host
It is apt for you.
[25:55]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[25:55]
Host
Yeah, completely.
[25:57]
Listener 2
So. Yeah. You let me have that one, I'll.
[25:59]
Host
Let you have that one.
[26:00]
Listener 2
Good, good, good.
[26:01]
Host
What's the line? Regrets? I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention. But if we had to mention them now. Any regrets?
[26:06]
Listener 2
Any regrets? It's a bit late for asking.
[26:10]
Host
Any big regrets looking back over your life?
[26:12]
Listener 2
I have one, and it's to do with a boyfriend.
[26:16]
Listener 1
Oh.
[26:16]
Listener 2
And I broke one of my cardinal rules.
[26:21]
Listener 1
Okay.
[26:21]
Listener 2
Which? Never get involved with a friend.
[26:25]
Host
Never get involved with a friend romantically. And you broke it with this person.
[26:30]
Listener 2
Aha. He was a friend who I really liked, and we got romantically involved, but he saw more in the relationship than I did.
[26:38]
Host
Okay, when was this?
[26:40]
Listener 2
Before I met my husband.
[26:41]
Host
Okay, so what's the regret?
[26:44]
Listener 2
That I think I hurt him.
[26:46]
Listener 1
Okay.
[26:47]
Listener 2
He'd had a few disappointments, and I think he saw me as the kind.
[26:50]
Host
Of the last great hope.
[26:52]
Listener 2
Well, your words, not mine. I think he saw it as reliable Scottish person, which obviously was a bit of a mistake. And the reason it never went any further was because I met my husband.
[27:12]
Listener 1
Okay.
[27:13]
Listener 2
I know. And I. I didn't fully explain it to him. I didn't handle. I didn't handle it particularly well, and I knew it must have hurt him.
[27:24]
Listener 1
Ah, yeah.
[27:25]
Host
Is it. I mean, this has stayed with you, obviously.
[27:28]
Listener 2
Yeah, it stayed away from me, you know.
[27:31]
Host
Did it stay with you in terms of.
[27:32]
Listener 2
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have many regrets.
[27:35]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[27:36]
Host
Could you. Could you say anything now to him?
[27:38]
Listener 2
No, I've lost touch with something else. So, you know.
[27:42]
Host
So you said that you. You said that you disappointed him or you said that you lost him as a friend?
[27:47]
D
Both.
[27:48]
Listener 2
Two things. I'm sad I lost him as a friend.
[27:50]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[27:51]
Listener 2
And I'm more sad that I did a d. Really?
[27:57]
Host
You didn't get to tell him?
[27:58]
Listener 2
I didn't properly tell him. Him the reason.
[28:01]
Listener 1
Okay.
[28:02]
Listener 2
I'm not saying it would have been an acceptable reason, but the way I.
[28:05]
D
Handled it wasn't clean.
[28:19]
Host
What's a good. What's a good penultimate question to ask? Is there anything you want to be asked?
[28:26]
Listener 2
I think. I think I'm fair.
[28:28]
Host
We've covered quite a lot of territory, haven't we?
[28:30]
Listener 2
Yes, we have. Is this a normal length of time that you do?
[28:33]
Host
It is, actually, yeah.
[28:34]
Listener 2
Is it?
[28:35]
Host
I always do. I lie at the time.
[28:37]
Listener 2
All right.
[28:38]
Host
Because if I say to someone, can we talk for an hour? No one's gonna. No one's gonna.
[28:43]
Listener 2
Wants to do it. I've enjoyed it.
[28:45]
Host
Oh, I've enjoyed it too. I've really enjoyed it.
[28:49]
Listener 2
Is main. A sort of typical one?
[28:52]
Host
I mean, the beauty of humans is almost no typical ones, really. If people are open, you know, you guarantee, you know, the idiosyncrasies of life. Like, you can't. People are defensive in the same way. You know what I mean?
[29:06]
Listener 2
I think that's one life, when I get to my advanced years is, you know, you hear folk moaning about other people, and I think, well, you don't know what's going on in their life. And I think genealogy's taught me that.
[29:18]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[29:18]
Listener 2
You know.
[29:19]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[29:20]
Listener 2
Not just with my own family, but, you know, extended family. And you think you know completely. Nobody knows what people are going through in life. I think that's what life has taught me.
[29:30]
Listener 1
Yeah.
[29:31]
Listener 2
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything, you know, unless you're having a fight with them.
[29:38]
Host
Very well put. Very well put. Okay, so last question for you. This one is the same one that everyone gets right. What are you going to do next?
[29:47]
Listener 2
What am I going to do next? If it gets too hot, which I suspect, I fear Scottish skin doesn't like the heat too much, I may go to the museum in the aquarium on the way back and just chill.
[30:07]
Host
Thank you so much for your time. It's a funny, funny place to meet.
[30:10]
Listener 2
It is a funny place to meet but it's past some time.
[30:19]
D
Tracing the lines I know when you're me mother died the jobs that you tried but did you hide in your morning or did you ris with the sun? Was it you who gave me these shoes for exploring or did you find it boring? I never knew what you had gone.
[31:17]
Listener 2
Through.
[31:20]
D
The rot in our roots but was your faith ever murky? Did you always finish your plate? I am certain that God has no mercy did you feel the same? I'm just one leaf branches around me the things I would do Just to have a pint with you.