EPISODE 46: Looking for the Dangling Carrot

Summary

Episode 46: Looking for the Dangling Carrot – A Deep Dive into Jordan’s Journey

In Episode 46 of "Strangers on a Bench," host Alex sits down with Jordan, an introspective and resilient individual navigating the complexities of life in London. This episode, titled "Looking for the Dangling Carrot," delves deep into Jordan's personal experiences, relationships, and the challenges she has overcome. Through candid conversation, listeners gain an intimate understanding of Jordan's journey, her search for contentment, and the pivotal moments that have shaped her.

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1. Daily Routine and Creative Outlets

Jordan begins by sharing her daily habits, emphasizing the importance of rest and creativity in her life. She reveals her passion for drawing, which serves as both a relaxing and a concentrated activity.

• Life Drawing Classes:
  At [02:24], Jordan explains,

  "I'm drawing. So I've already been to a life drawing class today and that was really good."
  She discusses the balance between relaxation and concentration required in life drawing, highlighting how it helps her synchronize her mind and body.

• Resting Techniques:
  Jordan identifies drawing and reading as her primary methods of relaxation, stating,

  "Drawing or lying on the couch reading a book? I'm quite good at resting."
  This ability to rest effectively plays a crucial role in her overall well-being.

2. Personal Identity and the Story Behind Her Name

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around the origins of Jordan's middle name, Jackson, and the humorous family dynamics associated with it.

• Middle Name Revelation:
  At [04:24], Jordan shares a heartfelt story,

  "And my dad's a bit unusual. He has an unusual sense of humor. And for all of my life, I would say to him, I can't, you know, I can't believe you called me Jackson. It's a weird name."
  This anecdote not only highlights her father's quirky nature but also sheds light on Jordan's personal acceptance of her unique name over time.

• Family Dynamics:
  Jordan further elaborates on her relationship with her father, culminating in a poignant revelation about her birth,

  "When I was about 19, I realized that my dad's birthday and my birthday are exactly nine months apart... we were camping at Mount Jackson in the Land Rover and I happened to be in the Car with him at this point."
  This moment underscores the deep and sometimes complex connections within her family.

3. Overcoming Challenges: Mountain Climbing and Relationship Resilience

Jordan recounts a transformative experience of climbing a mountain in the Italian Alps, which served as a metaphor for her personal growth and resilience.

• Mountain Climbing Experience:
  At [07:57], she reflects,

  "It was the most amazing sense of accomplishment... It was a changing experience."
  The physical and emotional challenges of the climb helped Jordan reconnect with nature and discover a new sense of self.

• Long-term Relationship:
  Discussing her nearly 28-year relationship, Jordan emphasizes the importance of communication and mutual love,

  "We're madly in love with each other. That helps."
  She candidly shares a challenging period where she almost had an affair, highlighting the strength and transparency that ultimately fortified her marriage.

4. The Profound Impact of Grief: Sister's Death

A pivotal and deeply emotional part of the conversation centers on the tragic loss of Jordan's sister and its enduring impact on her life.

• Immediate Aftermath:
  At [17:05], Jordan describes the overwhelming grief,

  "I just felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest."
  This sudden loss left her feeling directionless and forced her to reevaluate her life's trajectory.

• Long-term Effects:
  She touches upon the lasting changes,

  "They have made us far closer to my other siblings because of it... I've always felt like my trajectory of life has been a bit off."
  The loss not only altered her personal relationships but also her sense of self and purpose.

5. Reflections on Life, Regrets, and the Pursuit of Contentment

Jordan delves into her introspections about life choices, fears, and her continuous search for fulfillment.

• Regrets and Fears:
  At [18:27], she confesses,

  "Fear of not being good enough. I mean, that's what most people are scared of, isn't it?"
  Jordan reflects on missed opportunities and the time she felt paralyzed by self-doubt, impacting her personal and professional growth.

• Search for Contentment:
  She shares her ongoing quest for satisfaction,

  "I'm always searching for something."
  This perpetual search drives her actions and decisions, illustrating a desire for deeper meaning and happiness.

6. Future Plans and Embracing Change

Looking ahead, Jordan discusses her plans and the uncertainty that accompanies significant life changes.

• Husband’s Temporary Departure:
  At [33:36], she reveals,

  "Probably relish the opportunity to do some things that I don't do enough on my own."
  With her husband returning to Australia for six months, Jordan anticipates embracing this period to explore personal interests and grow independently.

• Balancing Multiple Homes:
  She touches upon the complexities of maintaining identities in different environments,

  "Person that I am here, it's very different from the person that I am there."
  This duality highlights the challenges of balancing personal growth with familial roles and expectations.

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Notable Quotes

1. Middle Name Story:
   Jordan [04:24]

   “And my dad's a bit unusual. He has an unusual sense of humor. And for all of my life, I would say to him, I can't, you know, I can't believe you called me Jackson. It's a weird name.”

2. Mountain Climbing Experience:
   Jordan [07:57]

   “It was the most amazing sense of accomplishment... It was a changing experience.”

3. Relationship Resilience:
   Jordan [10:00]

   “We're madly in love with each other. That helps.”

4. Nearly Having an Affair:
   Jordan [11:18]

   “And that's the point where he just sort of lost it.”

5. Sister's Death and Grief:
   Jordan [17:05]

   “I just felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.”

6. Regrets and Fear:
   Jordan [18:27]

   “Fear of not being good enough. I mean, that's what most people are scared of, isn't it?”

7. Search for Contentment:
   Jordan [25:00]

   “I'm always searching for something.”

8. Future Plans:
   Jordan [33:36]

   “Probably relish the opportunity to do some things that I don't do enough on my own.”

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Conclusion

Episode 46 of "Strangers on a Bench" offers a poignant and honest exploration of Jordan’s life. From personal triumphs and enduring love to the depths of grief and the relentless pursuit of happiness, Jordan’s story resonates with listeners navigating their own complex journeys. Through her vulnerability and strength, she exemplifies the human capacity to overcome, adapt, and continuously seek meaning in an ever-changing world.

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Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Transcript

[Alex]

Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a. Okay, so we're on.

[Jordan]

Okay.

[Alex]

Meeting you on a bench is only going to happen once in our whole lives.

[Jordan]

Indeed. Well, you never know.

[Alex]

No pressure. Is there a day of the week that you favour?

[Jordan]

Probably Saturday. Do I need to be more definite than that?

[Alex]

Well, no, no, you do. That's right. I mean, you don't. You don't.

[Jordan]

Can I.

[Alex]

That's absolutely fine.

[Jordan]

Extrapolate.

[Alex]

Absolutely.

[Jordan]

So I'm free. Dance. So at the moment, any day of the week is fine, but as of next week, I'll be going back to work, in which case Saturday will probably be the day.

[Alex]

What time are you waking up?

[Jordan]

I wake up about 8ish. 8:30, I guess.

[Alex]

What is often your first thought when you wake up? Does it vary?

[Jordan]

Probably. My first thought often is, oh my God, there's so many things I want to do today and how am I going to do them all, particularly when I'm back at work?

[Alex]

Do you try and do them or you have to just choose?

[Jordan]

No, it's a give and take. You can never do them all, you know. And an ideal weekend, if I'm gonna elaborate out into a weekend rather than a day, has a bit of everything. It's got a bit of rest, it's got a bit of social, it's got a bit of creativity, it's got a bit of exercise.

[Alex]

How do you rest? What's your resting techniques?

[Jordan]

Drawing or lying on the couch reading a book? I'm quite good at resting.

[Alex]

You've always been good at resting?

[Jordan]

I think so.

[Alex]

Are you resting now?

[Jordan]

Yeah, in some respects, yes.

[Alex]

Can you tell me what you're doing?

[Jordan]

I'm drawing. So I've already been to a life drawing class today and that was really good. It took me a while to get into.

[Alex]

It all depends on the model, right? No, you don't think so?

[Jordan]

No. It takes a while for your hand and your eye and your brain to all talk to each other and often I find it takes me quite a while, actually. I mean, I was gonna say it's a relaxed atmosphere, but equally it's quite concentrated. Tense is the wrong word. There's concentration in that room. You're thinking, you're looking, you're thinking, you're looking. So it wasn't really until the last pose that I felt kind of relaxed, but it was good because then it meant I'd already warmed up to come out and do this kind of drawing.

[Alex]

Yeah. So you're kind of seeking your own approval, basically?

[Jordan]

Absolutely.

[Alex]

In the works, not anyone else's?

[Jordan]

Absolutely.

[Alex]

And when you've done something you're proud of, who would you show anybody?

[Jordan]

Sometimes. Sometimes not. I mean, funnily enough, I'm not much of an Instagrammer, but I must say that today I sort of had a moment where I went, yeah, I'm going to post this. This.

[Alex]

Oh, okay.

[Jordan]

Instagram day, which is unusual for me.

[Alex]

What tips you over the edge into our Instagram land?

[Jordan]

Not very much. Just happen, to be honest.

[Alex]

Do you capture it well?

[Jordan]

Well, actually, I took some photos. I did a little bit of drawing down in Lower Marsh and thought I might even, like, post it as, like.

[Alex]

A little, you know, a carousel.

[Jordan]

Yep. Day's excursion. And I don't know, I always have this tussle with Instagram about putting yourself out there or. I'm generally probably quite private. I don't even have my name on it.

[Alex]

No name. How do you feel about. Obviously, don't say your name, but how do you feel about your name generally? Do you like it?

[Jordan]

Yeah, I don't mind it.

[Alex]

All right.

[Jordan]

It's all right.

[Alex]

Why did your parents choose the name they chose? You think you're sorry.

[Jordan]

It's a story.

[Alex]

Come on, then, let's do it. You just don't say anyone's name.

[Jordan]

I mean, I could tell you my middle name. Go for it, because that's part of the story. So my middle name is Jackson.

[Alex]

Jackson.

[Jordan]

And when I was at school, you know, I wanted my middle name to be Sarah or Kate or Elizabeth or something more normal. And my dad's a bit unusual. He has an unusual sense of humor. And for all of my life, I would say to him, I can't, you know, I can't believe you called me Jackson. It's a weird name. And he'd always say, well, it's better than Land Rover. And given his personality, I'd just go, oh, yeah, right, whatever, and roll my eyes. And I wouldn't really think about it. When I was about 19, I realized that my dad's birthday and my birthday are exactly nine months Park. And I said to him, sort of half jokingly, my birthday's in December. I said, oh, you had a good time at Easter, did you? And he said, yeah, we did. We were camping at Mount Jackson in the Land Rover and I happened to be in the Car with him at this point. And I mean, if I could have got out of the car and opened the door, I would have.

[Alex]

That's how you came into the. Into being.

[Jordan]

Yes. A little too much information.

[Alex]

No.

[Jordan]

Perfect, perhaps for me.

[Alex]

No, it's perfect because that's just how we all are here.

[Jordan]

Yep. Well, that's right. I don't know about you, but I got to a point in my life where I realized that your parents are just people. They're nothing more than people who had sex, basically.

[Alex]

Yeah, you know, it's a very good way of looking at parents.

[Jordan]

Maybe it's also because my parents are pretty out there.

[Alex]

How much out of. Out the. Out there did you think you inherited or. None. You could have go the other way. That can happen.

[Jordan]

Bits of all of it. I'm more aware of it, I think.

[Alex]

What do you do with your out there then? What is your out there?

[Jordan]

Try and control.

[Alex]

Go push it down.

[Jordan]

Yeah, maybe. Maybe. I'm not sure.

[Alex]

When was the last time you felt that you really like let go in that respect?

[Jordan]

Well, I. I just climbed a mountain that was a bit out of my comfort zone.

[Alex]

Yeah, a big mountain.

[Jordan]

A fairly big mountain. We went to the Italian Alps. I think it was about 2,060 meters above sea level. But we didn't climb to the top. We climbed 750 meters.

[Alex]

Okay. What point did you get back?

[Jordan]

Well, no, there's actually a church built under this huge rock.

[Alex]

What did you think about when you got to this church?

[Jordan]

Oh, it was fantastic. It was the most amazing sense of accomplishment. You know, we climbed. It was a full body workout. I've never done it before. It was isolated, it was pristine. It was beautiful. It was noisy, it was really windy. There was a toilet which was very civilized. It was a changing experience.

[Alex]

Oh really?

[Jordan]

Yeah.

[Alex]

You're a different person afterwards.

[Jordan]

You're a bit.

[Alex]

Oh yeah. So who was this new changed person?

[Jordan]

That's still kind of under discussion, I think. Discussion with yourself, myself and perhaps my husband a little bit as well.

[Alex]

So what do you think the outcome of that is going to be? More mountains?

[Jordan]

Yeah, I'm Australian and I realized how much I needed to kind of connect to nature and I think that's why it was such an experience as being so small in somewhere so big. All the wild flowers, all the animals. Yeah.

[Alex]

Does this mean you're going to do something radical?

[Jordan]

Maybe. Ah, well, I don't know.

[Alex]

Brewing.

[Jordan]

It's been brewing for a long time.

[Alex]

The radical step.

[Jordan]

Yep. Perhaps. Perhaps.

[Alex]

What's it like having a Husband.

[Jordan]

It's fantastic. I love him dearly.

[Alex]

What was the moment you first felt a strong connection to him? Can you pinpoint it?

[Jordan]

No, probably not. We've been together for a very long time.

[Alex]

Well, you can't remember, like, an early moment of, like.

[Jordan]

Yeah, no, I guess so. When we first met, I think he had really, really piercing blue eyes. I mean, there was one thing, I suppose, was that we worked at a pub together and he had a book and he'd have a bookmark and he'd write down words that he didn't know. And I just thought that was really cool. I think the people that I hung around with at that point were sort of surfy stoners who wouldn't have done that kind of thing.

[Alex]

That's so sweet. Did he still do such things?

[Jordan]

Yes, he probably does still do that. Yeah. He's not demonstrative about that kind of thing. I think he listens to all sorts of stuff and reads all sorts of things that I have no idea about.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Jordan]

Probably because I talk too much.

[Alex]

What do you think sustained your relationship? Why has it worked?

[Jordan]

We're madly in love with each other. That helps.

[Alex]

That does help.

[Jordan]

Yeah. We still like each other. I'm still attracted to him. We've been together for 27 years, maybe 28 years.

[Alex]

Wow.

[Jordan]

I want to be with him.

[Alex]

Yeah. You know, is there anything you set out to do to aid all those things? Is there any kind of strategy in there?

[Jordan]

No. I mean, I often joke that it only works when he's good. And I think he's quite a steady, even person. I'm the volatile one. You know, we've had our ups and downs. We've had some pretty challenging things happen to us, but we're very good at communicating. Even though he has this reserved side of him, when it comes to the two of us, we're very good at communicating with each other. We're a good team.

[Alex]

That's so lovely.

[Jordan]

Yeah, it is nice. You know, I consider myself lucky in that, in that regard.

[Alex]

You mentioned challenges. What have been the challenges?

[Jordan]

Well, I. I almost had an affair.

[Alex]

Almost?

[Jordan]

Almost.

[Alex]

What does that mean?

[Jordan]

Well, it never really sort of eventuated. There was someone that I was attracted to. He knew about it. As in my husband knew about it. I mean, that's an example of his character.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Jordan]

That he didn't sort of give me permission, but he sort of went, you obviously need to sort of explore this. And then it all just got difficult and horrible.

[Alex]

And.

[Jordan]

Did we. I mean, yes. We probably almost broke up again. I didn't actually really do anything, but there was an intention there, I suppose.

[Alex]

And at some point you just said. You just said that to your husband.

[Jordan]

I think he kind of guessed at the time. We were both working in hospitality. We worked very long hours. We didn't see each other very often. And I think he just sort of said, I think there's someone at work that you're attracted to. And I didn't deny it. And he just sort of went, okay. And so it was sort of a weird thing, was that it was kind of out in the open.

[Alex]

Is it something you needed to get out of your system somehow? Looking back now, what do you think that was?

[Jordan]

Oh, it was just like a sexual attraction, you know, a thing. And I mean, it's funny how it sort of worked out because basically I was with this guy at his place after work because, you know, we finished quite late and probably about to sort of do something that maybe I might regret it. And one of our workmates came and knocked on the door and of course we went, good. You know, but really, I look at. I look back on that and think that was probably a saving grace.

[Alex]

Lucky knock.

[Jordan]

And then funnily enough, then my husband called me and then sort of went, where are you? And I went, well, and that's the point where he just sort of lost it. And I think he was. He was done with the whole situation. And I went, what the hell am I doing? I don't want to throw this away. And then that was sort of it.

[Alex]

How long does it take to kind of recalibrate after that kind of event? And how do you do it?

[Jordan]

I couldn't say. I mean, it was such a long time ago. This was seven years into our relationship.

[Alex]

So this is like, oh, okay, well.

[Jordan]

20 odd years ago. I think if anything, it made us appreciate each other again, whereas maybe we hadn't been appreciating each other enough and I needed to rebuild his trust.

[Alex]

Yeah. You know, what became of this, of the other guy?

[Jordan]

Funnily enough, he was in a similar situation. He had also was just sort of in this weird thing with his partner and they also got back together and are still together, my knowledge. And have at least one child, if not two.

[Alex]

Sweet.

[Jordan]

So as we sort of both served.

[Alex]

A purpose on each other's things.

[Jordan]

Yes. Yeah.

[Alex]

Oh, wow. Any other great life challenges you've overcome?

[Jordan]

Yeah, but it's. It's not a very nice one. Oh, my. My sister died. So after that period of us working together, we decided to come to London in our sort of mid-20s and it was going to be our big adventure. And we were here nine months and I got a phone call saying she'd been in a car accident. And that was on a Wednesday night. I was back home on Saturday and it totally changed my whole life. We stayed there for another 10 years, in which time we bought a house. I went back to uni. Yeah, okay.

[Alex]

This is following yours, following your sister's death. So you didn't come back?

[Jordan]

No. You didn't come back. We just didn't. It just didn't feel right. I mean, I didn't feel right for years and then eventually I just sort of went, if we don't do this, we're never going to do it. It was always this thing that we talked about. It just felt like unfinished business. So we did and we said we'd come for a year and we've been here for 13 years. And that's part of this sort of, this is constant kind of push, pull of do we, don't we? Where are we meant to be It?

[Alex]

Who are you prey your sister dying and who are you after anything fundamental shift in you?

[Jordan]

I mean, it's hard to. It's really hard to say because obviously you. That was a turning point in my life. I still have, or. I hate to say that I've got regrets because I remember writing in my 15 year old diary, don't ever have regrets, they'll give you cancer. And I sort of still believe that. And yet I sort of. I think I felt a little bit directionless in my 20s, as maybe most people do. But it did mean that for that to happen at 25, I didn't feel like I sort of came into any sort of sense of self or reality for at least three years, if not six. They were sort of the two markers. Three years was when I sort of felt normal, ish. And six years was when I kind of went, oh, okay, now I can think about something. So that's a long time.

[Alex]

So what was life like in those three years? I mean, if you didn't feel normal, what, what did you feel?

[Jordan]

Oh, I just felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. That's the only way you can describe it. Very, you know, so sudden. I was six years older than her, so I felt like I didn't really get the opportunity to know. Know her as an adult. It has meant that I'm far closer to my other siblings because of it, which, you know, I might not have been. They were obviously a lot younger as well. I'M the oldest, and yet they've obviously kind of gone on to have, you know, normal trajectories. Whereas I've always felt like my. My trajectory of life has been a bit off.

[Alex]

Yeah. And fundamentally shifted after that day.

[Jordan]

Yeah. Paul. I mean, it all comes down to, I suppose, what you. What kind of life that you want. I never wanted a conventional life, and yet that doesn't stop me from comparing myself to people that do. I don't have children, and we only got married six years ago, so that was a bit of a whim, really.

[Alex]

So what are these regrets you mentioned then?

[Jordan]

I. I wish I had had a bit more of a. A bit more of an idea about what I wanted to do. A bit more of an idea, perhaps, a bit who I was. And I think I spent a long time scared, probably.

[Alex]

Scared of what?

[Jordan]

Judgment? My own fear, you know, like this, for example. I've really only gone back to drawing in the last. I say 10 years, but probably not really yet. This would have been the thing that I was most passionate about as a child. Fear of not being good enough. I mean, that's what most people are scared of, isn't it? And yet, you know, you sort of realize how much time you waste having that, having those fears. That's what I regret. Wasting time being at that age meant that I felt that everything sort of got delayed. And so I still feel a bit. Not quite where I should be.

[Alex]

Where's that?

[Jordan]

Yeah, exactly. It's not easy. The longer you've been away from home, the harder it is, really, because you've got two homes. You've got two. Two heads, two hearts, two senses of self. Person that I am here, it's very different from the person. Person that I am there.

[Alex]

What's the difference?

[Jordan]

I think here I'm actually more me because I don't have all the weight of familial expectation or history, environment. And I like that, you know, that's refreshing. And yet, obviously, when I go home, I mean, I love the nature. I crave the ocean, physically need to swim, and I miss my family, But I also play a role within that family, and I don't have to play that role when I'm here.

[Alex]

I was going to ask you what your sister was like. I don't want to miss that chance.

[Jordan]

She was very calm. She was very beautiful. She was a beautiful child. She had these most incredible corkscrew curls, like Shirley Temple curls. But as I said, I don't really feel like I know her. My job was the big sister Who I think she adored and looked up to most of the time. I probably found her a bit annoying because I would have been a mid teenager when they all wanted to come and, you know, play in my room. And I was just like, can you just go away? So it was probably more of an idea of her than the reality, which makes me sad. One thing I always remember about her is I remember ringing her from here and I remember how she'd answered the phone and she'd always sound so excited when I called and we'd been to a concert at the Royal Albert hall and she said like the Beatles song. And I was like, what? And she was talking about a day in the life of, you know, what is it? How many holes it takes to fill the album. And I remember just thinking, oh, like it was just this little thing. And then I always remembered it because it was just sort of. I hadn't thought about it, you know, and it was just a little switched on thing in her brain. I think we were actually probably very similar. We've all got lots of little sort of quirks, I guess. I mean, I actually find her birthday the hardest. You know, the other day just sort of sat there and thought, what would she be like? And you know, she got wrinkles, she got children, she'd definitely have children. I think that that's probably a given. What's she doing? Who's she married to, where does she live? But most of the time it hurts a lot to think those things.

[Alex]

Do you feel like, do you feel a kind of odd sense that you need to live for her? As in that sensation of like kind of when you're making decisions going, you know, I need to do that, I need to live more. Does that make sense?

[Jordan]

Yeah, it does. I think, you know, there's a really interesting period of time when you're grieving, which is, you know, this sounds really weird, but it's kind of a bit magical in the sense that you're so detached from any kind of reality. You just don't care about any of the mundane stuff in life. And that's when you have that real moment of like, I just want to. I mean, you're so in the moment. And even in a really physical sense, you know, I remember even just sitting on the ground and feeling the grass and feeling the sand. And I think it's a shame in a way that you lose that. And I know that a lot of people who, you know, had a major sort of traumatic event like that sort of use it as this opportunity to you know, I'm going to live my life. And I think. I mean, to some degree, maybe I did. Maybe at that moment where I went, we need to come back to London or we're never going to do it. I think I probably did in a way. Not in a conscious. I need to do this for her, but more I need to do this for myself because sort of felt a little bit like I was languishing. But sometimes I feel like that in life in general. And again, that's that thing of always sort of looking for this dangling carrot. I sort of admire people that can.

[Alex]

Be.

[Jordan]

Sort of satisfied and content. I don't often feel that I'm very content. I'm always searching for something.

[Alex]

I'm going to ask you four more questions and I'll leave you alone. Is that okay?

[Jordan]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Would you like a light question or a heavy question? If light. If light is. If light is 1, heavy is 10. We've done quite a lot of heavy stuff, haven't we?

[Jordan]

We have, yeah.

[Alex]

So maybe we should keep it light.

[Jordan]

Okay.

[Alex]

What was the most joyous sight you've seen recently?

[Jordan]

Sight?

[Alex]

Yeah. Not on a screen in real life.

[Jordan]

Oh, at the top of that mountain.

[Alex]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Maybe not. Not that mountain. Sorry.

[Jordan]

Oh, something. Joyous sight. Oh, today has been pretty joyous, actually.

[Alex]

Okay, tell me about today.

[Jordan]

So I went and did my life drawing class just behind Waterloo in Lower Marsh. And Lower Marsh was where I first worked when I first came here.

[Alex]

It's a great street.

[Jordan]

It's a great street. So it was quite nostalgic. And there was just so much colour and texture. And there was the Cubana mural and there were these. Well, this is. I drew them, these flowers in drums and there was all the graffiti in the bolt and there was just so much to look at and it was just really stimulating. You know, that's what I love about London. I love that stimulation constantly. Even though sometimes it probably, you know, I say constantly and then go.

[Alex]

I'm on the mountain and there's no churches up mountains. That's what London doesn't have. I also have a good Lower Marshal. It's about where I first date with my partner.

[Jordan]

Really?

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Jordan]

Whereabouts?

[Alex]

Scooter works.

[Jordan]

I know.

[Alex]

Classic. This is classic.

[Jordan]

Way too many bottles of wine in.

[Alex]

When?

[Jordan]

Recently? No, it was. It was actually the first day of this job.

[Alex]

Oh, wow.

[Jordan]

And they said, oh, someone was leaving for some reason. It was a Tuesday. And ended up going out with these people who are still my friends to this day. And I think we drank 11 bottles of wine between about four of us. And I left her a voice note today because, you know, it was. It was nice to remember her and that's kind of how we met.

[Alex]

Wonderful. Are you a good voice noter?

[Jordan]

No.

[Alex]

Oh, we decided to leave a voice.

[Jordan]

Note because she always leaves them for me.

[Alex]

Oh, you don't. You're not into voice eggs.

[Jordan]

Yeah.

[Alex]

You've got fear.

[Jordan]

No, I'm getting better at them.

[Alex]

Yeah. Why don't you get into it though? Yeah, I just.

[Jordan]

You're a voice.

[Alex]

I'm a big fan now.

[Jordan]

Yeah.

[Alex]

But you know when you get a really good one and. And people who can really talk? Well, ideally, yeah. It's like your own personal podcast just for you. Like they can't be customized.

[Jordan]

Maybe you get better voice notes.

[Alex]

Maybe I just forward you on my voice notes. I've got a friend who has been known to go comfortably over half an hour.

[Jordan]

Just call.

[Alex]

It's kind of like a bit. It's kind of like therapy as well. You get a chance to. Because you're not interrupted. The stuff just comes out of you.

[Jordan]

It's a brain dump, isn't it? What you're talking about is brain dump. It's quite one sided.

[Alex]

Do you have any? It's always a great one. Is it? I've always got like a thousand questions in my head and I've got a few left and it's like, which one could be like the key to some kind of understanding exactly who you are? If we haven't understood that already.

[Jordan]

I mean, I feel like you probably have.

[Alex]

I think we've got. I think we've got a good chunk. I would say like 87%. Are there any mysteries from your childhood you've yet to figure out?

[Jordan]

Mysteries from my childhood? At the moment I would say I am actively trying to remember my childhood.

[Alex]

Okay. You ask your parents.

[Jordan]

No more just like trying to actually retrieve. Retrieve information from the vaults.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Jordan]

I've been having these funny flashbacks lately. All the clothes that I've had and discarded and some of them have been like obviously important things that are dressed that I loved. But some of them have just been like a random like, oh, I remember that skirt or that top. And it's just been funny to see of it, you know, takes you back to a particular time and a place and yeah. Just remember things a bit more.

[Alex]

Nice.

[Jordan]

I think it's very easy to, I don't know, forget lots of stuff.

[Alex]

I agree. Yeah, I like that. What would you like from the rest of your life? That was easy one.

[Jordan]

There yeah, that's what I'm kind of trying to work out. Moment. I think what I really want is to not always feel like I'm trying to make some kind of choice because unfortunately, life feels a little bit like that at the moment in that I can't really have all the things I want in the one place. So could be going and living in a farmhouse in Italy. Could be going back to Australia, could be staying here. Not quite sure. I wish I knew.

[Alex]

It will reveal itself.

[Jordan]

Will it? Can you give me the answer? You know, you can listen to this back and go, I've worked it out. This is what you need to do. I mean, the irony is, of course, that perhaps I'm very lucky that I have choice. I mean, I am very lucky that I have choice and I'm aware of that. But, you know, maybe too much choice is tiring.

[Alex]

Is there anything you want to happen at your funeral? It doesn't normally happen at funerals.

[Jordan]

Well, I recently went to a funeral here and one thing I find quite Victorian and very English is that you all wear black funerals here and you just don't see that in Australia. And unfortunately I have been to a lot of funerals, like really 25 probably in my life.

[Alex]

Wow. Why are you going to so many funerals?

[Jordan]

Because I know a lot of people that have died.

[Alex]

So I'm laughing, but it's just terrible things to laugh at. But it just sounds comically ominous. Like it sounds like you might have killed them. Like, I know a lot of people that have died. So. So what? I mean, so now you're a veteran.

[Jordan]

A little bit.

[Alex]

So what are we doing differently then any. Any that you really liked? Not like you know, anything. Like. That's a good move.

[Jordan]

They've ruined some very good songs, unfortunately.

[Alex]

What's your song?

[Jordan]

My sister's funeral was pretty amazing. She was buried and, you know, normally they come with the digger and the digger fills in the hole and my mum didn't want them to do that. She really freaked out at the sight of the digger. So we all did it. Everyone pretty much not so much on their knees, but got down and picked up the earth and put it back in, which was quite a. I don't know, felt quite profound. It felt right. Not formal. You know, death is pretty. Pretty primal in many respects.

[Alex]

Very good point. I agree. Should probably ask the last question now.

[Jordan]

Okay.

[Alex]

What are you going to do next?

[Jordan]

Well, next is this next job. My husband is actually going back to Australia for six months. Oh, yeah. Plot twist. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Alex]

Without you.

[Jordan]

Without me?

[Alex]

What does that mean? I mean, what are you gonna do?

[Jordan]

Well, I'm gonna slightly stress out that no one's gonna be there to cook the dinner.

[Alex]

Gonna get a temporary husband, and also.

[Jordan]

Probably relish the opportunity to do some things that I don't do enough on my own. Yeah, but so it does sort of feel like the next six months, there's something there to be discovered and thought about.

[Alex]

Seminal.

[Jordan]

Maybe.

[Alex]

No pressure.

[Jordan]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe nothing. It'll be like, oh, it's December and it's cold and. Okay.

[Alex]

Well, thank you so much for your time and your words.

[Jordan]

Thank you for having me.

[Alex]

And her wisdoms.

[Jordan]

You're welcome.

[Samantha]

I still love him dearly But I can't remember why. You just can't define it clearly? When so many years go by. I just wanted him near me.

[Jordan]

I.

[Samantha]

Suppose it's his blue eyes? I suppose it's how he healed me? When other people said goodbye? I'm so sorry for the funny times When I fell out of line. Can say that I live by regrets. Cause that's not how to live a life it's hard to regret My sister Thorn never knew her mind. How many holes does it take to fill the Albert Hall? A day without you in my life. How I wish that he was near me. To start decisions I can't decide. I just know I love her dearly as you have loved me all my life. Sa.