EPISODE 47: The Time I've Got Left

Summary

Podcast Summary: Strangers on a Bench - EPISODE 47: The Time I've Got Left

Host: Tom Rosenthal
Guest: [Anonymous]
Release Date: August 4, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 47 of "Strangers on a Bench," host Tom Rosenthal engages in a deeply personal and heartfelt conversation with an anonymous guest who has been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Over a candid 15-minute dialogue, the guest shares his journey, coping mechanisms, relationships, and reflections on life in the face of mortality. This episode offers listeners an intimate glimpse into the human experience of confronting limited time, emphasizing authenticity, vulnerability, and the importance of connections.

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Diagnosis and Its Impact

The conversation begins with the guest revealing his terminal diagnosis:

• [01:26] Guest: "I've been diagnosed with terminal cancer... I'm 55 years old and I just thought, okay, well, now I'm retired."

This life-altering news compelled him to reevaluate his priorities, shifting his focus from career ambitions to personal fulfillment and relationships.

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Coping Mechanisms

Decompressing on Fridays:

Originally, Fridays served as a day for decompressing and enjoying leisure activities. However, his diagnosis intensified this routine:

• [02:16] Host: "I was interested about how you decompress again."
• [03:27] Guest: "I've shifted to just hanging out with my closest, most loved friends... saying I love you a lot."

Expressing Love:

Breaking social barriers, the guest began openly expressing love to his male friends, a departure from his previously reserved demeanor.

• [03:28] Guest: "It sounds ridiculous, but the social boundaries... I just didn't say it to guys before."

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Relationships and Love

Deepening Connections:

The guest emphasizes the importance of meaningful relationships, especially with his wife, Lydia, and their two children.

• [22:40] Guest: "She's amazing... The greatest achievement I've had in my life is my kids and my wife."

Expressing Emotion:

Despite his initial reluctance, the guest acknowledges the therapeutic power of expressing love and maintaining close bonds.

• [07:03] Host: "Are there any that you feel comfortable kind of sharing?"
• [07:40] Guest: "Some people brought me to tears... it's what I've wanted to be."

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Hobbies and Passions

Brass Screw Collection:

A unique aspect of the guest's personality is his passion for collecting and organizing brass screws, which serves as a therapeutic hobby.

• [19:28] Guest: "I've recently sorted out my vintage screw collection. Brass screws... It's just a collection in a box for me to restore things with."

Creative Projects:

He combines his hobby with creativity, crafting items like coat hangers from old shipwreck screws.

• [21:30] Guest: "I'm making a little tea candle holder out of tiny parts of a shipwreck that I found."

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Reflections on Ambition

Letting Go of Ambition:

The diagnosis led the guest to release his long-held ambitions, finding liberation in relinquishing the need to achieve and win.

• [08:35] Guest: "I've enjoyed losing that. It's been a positive thing... to just wave bye bye to that."

Shifting Priorities:

Instead of pursuing personal gains, he now dedicates his time to valuing relationships and personal well-being.

• [09:58] Guest: "I would have focused more on helping other people... volunteers at Maggie's."

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Memory and Emotional Control

Impact of Brain Tumor:

The guest discusses how his brain tumor affects his memory and emotional responses, leading to moments of confusion and vivid hallucinations.

• [34:11] Guest: "The long-term stuff is very good... my short-term memory is getting increasingly bad."
• [35:50] Guest: "I can see people and they can talk... It’s horrible at night."

Managing Emotions:

He employs strategies like deep breathing and relies on his wife and friends to help manage these challenging experiences.

• [37:08] Guest: "If I just sort of hang about and just play it out and deep breathe... they've been so tender in some really horrible situations."

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Legacy and Advice

Advice to Listeners:

The guest imparts valuable life lessons, urging listeners to express love and help others rather than dwelling on personal struggles.

• [41:46] Guest: "Don't let a situation like mine be the thing that makes you go home and hug those who you love and tell them you love them."

Writing a Book:

He is in the process of writing a book for his children, titled "Things I Wish I'd Known at 24 that I Do Now," aiming to pass on simple yet meaningful advice.

• [28:07] Guest: "I'm writing a book for my kids... it's just really simple observations that I've had in my life."

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Personal Stories

Meeting His Wife:

The guest shares a heartfelt story about how he met his wife Lydia, showcasing his authenticity and commitment.

• [23:09] Guest: "We studied together... we went to a rugby match... it was a lovely, lovely evening."

Supporting His Family:

His dedication to safeguarding his children and supporting his wife through his illness is evident throughout the conversation.

• [26:14] Guest: "We got two lovely kids, 24 and 22... doing my best to safeguard them at a time when I can see my ability to safeguard them is running out."

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Conclusion

The episode concludes with the guest reflecting on his immediate plans and final projects, such as creating a meaningful gift for his wife from his screw collection and shipwreck pieces.

• [44:47] Guest: "I'm going to go home and I'm going to continue to make a little present for my wife... It'll bring me happiness just to lose the world around me and hopefully bring Lydia happiness."

Musical Outro:

A poignant musical segment encapsulates the themes of love, legacy, and cherishing moments, reinforcing the episode's emotional depth.

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Notable Quotes

1. On Expressing Love:

   • Guest [03:28]: "It sounds ridiculous, but the social boundaries... I just didn't say it to guys before."

2. On Letting Go of Ambition:

   • Guest [08:35]: "I've enjoyed losing that. It's been a positive thing... to just wave bye bye to that."

3. On Legacy:

   • Guest [41:46]: "Don't let a situation like mine be the thing that makes you go home and hug those who you love and tell them you love them."

4. On Coping with Hallucinations:

   • Guest [35:49]: "And I can wake up in the middle of the night and see people on there. Oh, that's not as fun in the night, I guess."

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Final Thoughts

This episode of "Strangers on a Bench" is a profound exploration of life, love, and the human spirit in the face of terminal illness. The guest's openness about his struggles, his dedication to his family, and his unique hobbies provide a multifaceted view of living authentically. Tom Rosenthal skillfully navigates this sensitive conversation, leaving listeners with a lasting message about the importance of connections and expressing love without reservation.

Transcript

[Host]

Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench, where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? First question, is there a day of the week that you favor?

[Guest]

Yeah, I guess there is a day of the week I favour. I fear it might be a slightly unoriginal answer, but you've asked me the question, therefore I need to answer it honestly.

[Host]

You do.

[Guest]

So it's Friday because the weekend is ahead of you and it shifted a bit because of circumstances recently. But broadly it's still the same because everyone sort of decompresses on a Friday and they're allowed to have a bit more fun, including me.

[Host]

That makes perfect sense, yeah. Can you tell me why it was Friday initially and why. So it's still Friday.

[Guest]

It's still the same answer that Friday was the night when everybody would decompress. And you're sort of allowed and encouraged to do that. But the circumstances that have changed is I've been diagnosed with terminal cancer. So I was thinking about retiring anyway because I've got to a stage in my life when it felt like that might be quite fun. You can do all those things that you've dreamt of doing. And then I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and then I was forcibly retired, and I realized immediately that I was never going to do a day's work again. And that didn't upset me at all. I mean, I've had great fun in my career, so I'm not suggesting I hated my job. I didn't at all. But it's just, you know, I'm 55 years old and I just thought, okay, well, now I'm retired. I takes all the question marks out of that.

[Host]

Yeah. It's always very tempting, obviously, to talk about the headlines, but I had a question before the headlines, so we can always just loop back around. I was interested about how you decompress again.

[Guest]

I'm slightly worried these are going to be very obvious answers, but, I mean, it's okay.

[Host]

They can just be what they are.

[Guest]

I have a sort of. It's a joke with my wife that our ambition on a Friday night is to have champagne and hula hoops.

[Host]

To dip them in.

[Guest]

No, maybe we should dip them in. That's maybe a new idea.

[Host]

Seems like the logical move.

[Guest]

It does seem like the logical move. Maybe that's. That's a new. You've built up my Friday night. To a whole, whole different level. So I'm excited by that build you've just made. But then that's obviously a kind of twosome activity. But maybe just meeting friends. These days my world has shifted to just hanging out with my closest, most loved friends. And I've been saying I love you a lot. I don't know whether I'm going to say I love you to you, but maybe, who knows, you can say it anytime.

[Host]

Maybe I'll say it to you first.

[Guest]

Maybe you will. That would be exciting. But it's led me to focus on the people I love, especially the males. It's felt I've got permission to say I love you to the males in my life. And it sounds ridiculous, but the social boundaries, maybe being a bit old fashioned English, I just didn't say it to guys. I didn't really say it to anyone except for my wife before, but it seemed really lovely to say I love you to my really close male friends.

[Host]

What did you say before?

[Guest]

Well, nothing really. I mean, I just said see you next week to the guys.

[Host]

So it's been a big, it's been a big kick on from that.

[Guest]

It's been a big kick on.

[Host]

How did they respond when you went from see you next week to I love you?

[Guest]

It's been really beautiful. Maybe also it's given me permission to say it to my close female friends in a way that would have felt a bit ambiguous, a bit too much. It's been a really beautiful thing to have, you know, emerged from this slightly shitty situation.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Oh, we've got, got a bit of. Hello. Got some songs, got some, got some songs going on. So that's been a lovely golden lining to a grey cloud.

[Host]

Have you found that you've, you know, started doing it in the post office?

[Guest]

I haven't yet said it at the post office, but maybe that's another opportunity that I should look for.

[Host]

I feel like now you're on this journey, why, why stop there?

[Guest]

Maybe I think you're right.

[Host]

Thank you. You may, you may change their day or life. Maybe.

[Guest]

Yeah. That's two, two tips you've given me. Dipping the hula hoops in the champagne and saying I love it to you. Just randomly. To people in the post Office, I.

[Host]

Think you may look a bit kind of Jesusy.

[Guest]

It would worry me if I came across as Jesusy because I really don't want to do that.

[Host]

Yeah. You could just say I'm not Jesus or Jesusy, but I love you.

[Guest]

Yeah. Even those in that way inclined. I think People might look at me and not think I'm Jesus. I don't know, maybe. Maybe I should be underselling myself.

[Host]

Maybe you are obviously, you know, slightly short hair. I don't know exactly what you have.

[Guest]

I had very short hair recently because it started falling out.

[Host]

Oh, yeah?

[Guest]

Yeah. I had a kind of mullet, an unintentional mullet. And I was. I was quite touched that somebody came up to me in a random place. I think I was buying some bread. They said, I love your haircut, man. It's a really good look. And I said, well, thank you for your compliment, but it's more of a hair fall, really.

[Host]

Rebrand of a haircut.

[Guest]

Rebrand of a haircut. And I was cool for the first time in my life, so I can thank council for that.

[Host]

Have you never been cool?

[Guest]

No, I don't think I've ever been known as being a cool dude.

[Host]

Really?

[Guest]

No.

[Host]

You seem pretty cool to me.

[Guest]

Oh, thank you, that's very kind.

[Host]

And maybe it's your time to be also kind of cool now.

[Guest]

I don't know if I can pull that off, even with the hula hoops. For anyone listening, I have washed my hair this morning, which is quite exciting progression because I wasn't really washing it for the fear of losing even more hair.

[Host]

Oh, so, you know, is that what happens? I suppose you're just rubbing it.

[Guest]

You're rubbing it and then you just get another clump of your hair fall out. So, yeah, listeners can be excited the fact they're not listening to somebody with enormously greasy hair.

[Host]

It's quite key that I find most people do turn off.

[Guest]

Yeah, just enjoy.

[Host]

Most people just turn off. Just a joke. That is. That's the first response, I think, to this. But they're. Most would turn off when, you know, when they sense greasy hair.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

What's your. So you're saying I love you to friends.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

Have you had anything come back to you which has surprised you?

[Guest]

I've been so charmed by some people writing me letters and very moved by some people writing me letters that I had no expectation of. Some people brought me to tears with saying things about me and I just broken down just reading the words.

[Host]

Are there any that you feel comfortable kind of sharing? Any element of people.

[Guest]

I might. I might burst into tears now, but which I. I don't know if that'll be caught on.

[Host]

There was a little bit of rain, so you just blame the rain.

[Guest]

But people who said that I've been kind to them or inspired them or that's moved me a lot because it just was so unexpected because I think that's what I've wanted to be. You know, I think maybe earlier in my life I wanted to achieve and win. And when I was growing up, I was very ambitious, and then that's all gone away. And then maybe at my core, I just wanted for people to feel that I was nice to him. It sounds very bland.

[Host]

When did you have the ambition fall off?

[Guest]

Probably when I was diagnosed, really.

[Host]

Oh. So, you know, maybe.

[Guest]

Maybe I had it before. It was just kind of more buried underneath the kind of, I've got to win, I've got to get lots of money and all that kind of stuff. Even me saying it now feels slightly ugly. But, you know, it's the world, doesn't it?

[Host]

It's the world and the society we're in.

[Guest]

Exactly right. But I was very pleased to let that drift away.

[Host]

Yeah. Also, it sounds like with all these bits of kindness you've clearly done for various people, that that wasn't just the key core of your being the ambitious side. It doesn't sound like it swept over.

[Guest]

Everything else, like, to think it didn't, definitely. But maybe there are times in my life when maybe I did let ambition get in the way of the more important side of being a human being.

[Host]

Do you ever think if I whiz back to core ambition age now, I don't know what that would be when these things start, 20s, whatever. And I say that I've given you the awareness that you have now about ambition and what that means. What do you think her life would have looked like?

[Guest]

It would have looked different, I think, because I would have. I think I would have focused more on helping other people. When I was thinking, I may get better, I may be able to be cured. There was kind of a moment when I was in this middle stage before I got the hard diagnosis. You know, there was this amazing place called Maggie's at Charing Cross Hospital, which is where I was, which I found amazing. And that they were there for me in my quite a painful moment. And I thought, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to volunteer at Maggie's and I'm just going to give back what they gave me. And that was a really nice sensation. Gave me lots of clarity about what I was going to spend my future being. And then it all got turned on its head because my prognosis was so short. I thought, okay, I need to spend that with my family and working out how I could protect Them with the time I've got left. Sorry, I'm getting a bit emotional. Okay, ready?

[Host]

That's quite quick.

[Guest]

I'm well trained. I've had too many of those moments.

[Host]

That was like a 7 second emotional pit stop. You can take longer if you want.

[Guest]

No, I'm. I'm good. It's not a good training. My wife Lydia and my daughter have encouraged me to let it all go. I don't seem to be able to do it. It's like there's a. There's a valve inside me that keeps it all under wraps. Maybe it's some training for my childhood to swallow the emotion. And I feel like I just need to keep myself controlled, to not let that spread into other people in the room, perhaps completely understand the type of cancer I have is a brain tumor. And after I had my operation, the doctor said, you're going to feel a lot more emotional because of where the tumor is. And I went, yeah, you don't know. You're not gonna get me with that nonsense. But he was right, of course.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

And during the first few months after the operation, I was falling apart the whole time.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

And I couldn't control it. Like, hold on a minute.

[Host]

What did that bring out in you? Or is it just it. Was it like otherworldly?

[Guest]

It was all otherworldly, but I was experiencing a very otherworldly sensations in general because where the tumor was is the way I was viewing life was very, very odd. And still is at times of the day. Very, very odd. Because it's affecting how I think and what I sometimes see. I don't recommend it. I just think you should stay away from brain tumours. That would be my advice.

[Host]

It's very good. It's a very, very good tip.

[Guest]

I worked hard on top tip of the day. Yeah. Top tip of the day. Yeah.

[Musical Guest]

When you.

[Host]

I was just thinking about some of these people passing by, all with their different lives. Let's assume most of them aren't in the same position that you're in. What do you think now when you see them?

[Guest]

I guess maybe I feel happy for them. I sort of instinctively think they don't feel what I'm feeling and I'm happy that they don't. I want to offer them the cliches of advice and I have done that a few times. You know, it sounds very trite. I want them to go back to the people they love and just hug them and tell them they love them because you don't know when that's going to be Your last opportunity. And you know, I can still do that because I'm. I've been told I wouldn't have known this term before, but by the doctors, I've been told I present well. As in quite hard still. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. God, this is making me feel great. And I present well in the fact that I'm walking.

[Host]

Yes.

[Guest]

And I can talk. So I've just told them this sort of trites of Instagram stuff like, go home, tell the people you like and you love them, make them feel good and they'll make you feel good in return. So when I see people, I want to say that to them.

[Host]

I probably should say. Are there any questions you find particularly annoying related to this subject?

[Guest]

No.

[Host]

Anyone that people who ask it.

[Guest]

I'm very open.

[Host]

Yeah. I'm kind of quite interested in the idea of people at one point in their life or other, they stand on the precipice of decision making or taking leaps. Looking back, are there any kind of things now you wish you didn't delay?

[Guest]

Yeah, there are. You know, just before it all kicked off, I was going to do a. A long walk with one of my dear friends and we were going to walk across England and we didn't get to do that. Things like that. Some big physical activities that I had planned. I was hoping to cycle across America as well. You know what? I don't even. Those. I don't really care. I mean, vaguely I've thought about those, but it's more about hanging out with the people I love.

[Host]

Yeah. So the walk with your friend was more about your friends?

[Guest]

Yeah, it was more about my friend. I wish I'd hung out with him. Yeah.

[Host]

It might be a bit of a male thing as well, but do you think we look for reasons to hang out with people too much?

[Guest]

I think that's right.

[Host]

You think like, oh, you know, we need to walk across England to spend 10 days with your friend. But if you said to your friend, look, I just want to spend 10 days with you, your friend might be like, well, that's a bit weird.

[Guest]

That's a bit weird. I don't want to spend 10 days.

[Host]

Can't we just do, you know, a dinner, can we?

[Guest]

Yeah. Or just a few beers. I think that's a really good observation. People have been so kind to me and a lot of people want to meet for coffee and stuff and I find myself saying the same thing to a lot of them. I much prefer for us to hang out properly where you stay at my house for a night and I know that then there will be gaps in the conversation and it won't be all about asking about my medical situation. It's the space between the obvious stuff that you. Is really lovely.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

It's not that I want to hide the cancer chart. I just don't. Yeah. I'm not really that interested in it.

[Host]

You thought about doing like a kind of faq maybe?

[Guest]

Maybe that's a good idea.

[Host]

And just be like, bosh, here you.

[Guest]

Go, that's a good idea.

[Host]

You can update it, have a read or have a read before you come.

[Guest]

Should I put it in a binder, do you think?

[Host]

Just point.

[Guest]

Point it out.

[Host]

Read at this. I'll be making tea.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

And then let's chat about your life.

[Guest]

Yeah, your life, whatever. Basically, it's you just asking some interesting questions about stuff.

[Host]

Yeah, exactly.

[Guest]

And then you get to know them better properly in your heart. You get to know them better.

[Host]

I mean, I do think for me, doing this, you know, like, getting to the kind of depths of someone approaching there, even just, you know, a brief visit there, it's just. It's just the most amazing feeling. I think sometimes I feel sad after having those highs because it's not that hard, you know? What I mean is, you know, we just don't do it enough as people, you know, we don't give ourselves enough time with people.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know, it's all available to us and. Yeah. So it's really a guilt that I just wish other people. I mean, I wish everybody got a chance to sit next to someone on the bench and talk to them and come away feeling those feelings about just people, about the potential of what's lurking there with everybody. Even the people you don't like.

[Guest]

Yeah, yeah, of course. And.

[Host]

I think in a strange way, should I say, we may be doing similar things. This is also what I would be doing if it was the end of my life.

[Guest]

Yes.

[Host]

I would be doing it also with a lot of people who I know and love, that's for sure.

[Guest]

But you're right.

[Host]

Yeah, but we. You know, but so straight. I think in a really odd way, I'm trying to not compare myself to you in any way here, but I think at some point I just started living as if, like, I could die at any time.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

I think I feel like that's a progression I've made, you know, I also am, like, so rampantly losing ambition, you know?

[Guest]

Yeah. I've enjoyed losing that. It's been a positive thing. It's been taken out my hands, but it's been very liberating. Yeah. To just wave bye bye to that.

[Host]

The proximity of death. Does it ever bring on like Christ, you know, I'm just gonna go out wearing this or go and do something crazy at 6 o' clock in the morning. Thought I'd just kind of complete caution to the wind. I'm just gonna do this.

[Guest]

I can't think of any there. Maybe there has been.

[Host]

Do you think there should be some that are not too time consuming?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah. Cause if you don't want this thing.

[Guest]

I'm going to do is going to take years.

[Host]

You want to build a huge model railway or something?

[Guest]

You know, I've always had nerdy hobbies.

[Host]

Oh, have you?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

What's the top nerd hobby?

[Guest]

Oh, the top. No one I've just been getting into in the last few weeks even.

[Host]

Okay.

[Guest]

I've recently sorted out my vintage screw collection. Brass screws. But I've been very happy to have them in a really well organized capital. Not capita. No cabinet. Sounds like I'm displaying them. I'm displaying brass screws to literally no one because they're not interested in such a nerdy hobby. I feel all your listeners just go, Are they all falling asleep at this moment? No, I think, I think it's completely soporific.

[Host]

It's quite the opposite. You've just given a, you know, given a. A wonderful window into your, you know, psyche.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

They'll be saying it explains everything.

[Guest]

Explains everything. Everything I've listened to. Oh, I get it now. I've got some cracks.

[Host]

How many have you got?

[Guest]

Thousands. Some of them aren't sorted properly, which is.

[Host]

How do you sort a screw?

[Guest]

Well, it's by. Are you sure you want me to go? Yeah, okay. You're doing it by the gauge size, which means the, the thickness of the shank and then the length of the screw itself. And then you also got. Whether it's a dome head. I don't. I think that's not the right term. So I'm slightly embarrassed for the people who really know their screws. And then you've got. Whether it's. I mean, actually all old screws have that. See, I'm thinking. I'm really embarrassed now. I think I've just kind of come across as an absolute amateur. You've got the ones. All old screws are the sort of slotted screw.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

You've got that nod on your face which is like you really are a nerd.

[Host]

No, not at all. I think it's great.

[Guest]

But finally sorting them has been very Therapeutic. So I had to sit down at a table and sort them all out so I can then get the screw I want very quickly to make. To make the thing that I'm making at the time, which is my wife Lydia wants. So we went mud larking the other day. Do you know what mudlark is? So we went mudlarking the other day by the side of the Thames and we found this very, very old screw, say 200 years old. Maybe it was holding up some kind of wharf or something.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

And I want to make a coat hanger out of it by attaching to a very old piece of wood. And then just one hook. Yeah. I found a new one.

[Host]

What if there are two coats? I think you can put multiple coats in the same hook.

[Guest]

Oh, maybe you're throwing a whole new dimension into this hook. It was quite reasonably simple until that point, but so it just gives another use to this beautiful old screw that was buried in the Thames. And then maybe, maybe Lydia will throw it away and that will give it a whole new life somewhere else. Because the way I'm sort of thinking, I said, that's a really ugly coat I'm making. But, yeah, who knows? Maybe, maybe not. But it's made with love for my lovely wife.

[Host]

Perfect. I feel like she's not going to throw it away.

[Guest]

No, I hope she doesn't.

[Host]

Tell her. At least give it to, like a charity shop.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

There might be some enthusiasts out there. You're like, oh. Or people with one coat.

[Guest]

Yeah, well, that's perfect for my single coat.

[Host]

Tell me about Lydia. Tell me what she's like.

[Guest]

She's amazing. My wife is amazing. It's my. The greatest achievement I've had in my life is my kids and my wife. That's what I'm most proud of. She's just the love of my life. And she's been amazing through this illness and she's helped me get through it in many ways. So I consider myself enormously fortunate.

[Host]

Do you remember when you first felt very connected to her?

[Guest]

We studied together and she sat on the desk opposite me and I think. I guess I quite fancied her. And. And then we went out and I realized she was. She was the woman for me. We got quite drunk that evening, I think.

[Host]

On your first set date.

[Guest]

Our first first.

[Host]

We calling that a first date?

[Guest]

No, it was. That's quite a long story about how that happened.

[Host]

I've got time.

[Guest]

I realized she's what's lovely about her, she. That she likes doing new experiences.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

So I knew that if I offered up a really interesting new experience and then said, do you want to come? I was pretty confident she had say yes. So I had a very good friend at the time called Yan and he was going to a rugby match and I'm not a rugby fan, but I thought to myself, if I get two rugby tickets and make it sound incidental, God, I'm sounding very kind of conniving here, but I thought if I just happened to make it sound like, yeah, I've got a couple of tickets, do you want to come? I kind of knew that she'd say yes and she did. And that was how I ended up going out on my first date with Lydia. I really don't like rugby, so it's completely made up. I don't think I've been to a game since. But anyway, we went to the game.

[Host]

It served its purpose.

[Guest]

It served its purpose and we went with my friend and it was great. It's just a lovely, lovely evening.

[Host]

I like that you've admitted that because I think that'll resonate with a lot of people who. Trying to conjure good date scenarios to make things seem a bit more casual than they are.

[Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Host]

I really. That's it.

[Guest]

Like, I like this kind of the version of me. Yeah, she can come. She cannot come. I don't care. I really cared.

[Host]

I mean, before we, you know, do too much sugar coating.

[Guest]

Any.

[Host]

Any times that things are tricky.

[Guest]

Yes, there have been times that have been tricky, but never at the core, just around the edges, you know, but not fundamentally. No, I think everyone's had tricky bits.

[Host]

How do you think, you know, if the tricky is kind of away from the core?

[Guest]

I'm not sure that I did know at the tricky moments. It was maybe a little bit confusing at the time, but we just. We just sort of rode our way through it. Thank God, though, we persevered because especially now, I rely on her so much and it gets me through it.

[Host]

How many kids?

[Guest]

We got two lovely kids, 24 and 22, who are another source of joy for me and another aspect that helps me get through these tricky periods. I mean, I worry about all three of them. And a lot of the last eight months have been about doing my best to safeguard them at a time when I can see my ability to safeguard them is running out. And that's been often what drives me through the day. How can I do my best with today to help them after that moment?

[Host]

What has been your instinct about how to do that?

[Guest]

Obvious things like financial things. Sometimes it's I don't. This may come across as bad and somebody will say I'm mansplaining. It isn't meant to be. But of course it's not meant to be. But I was talking to Lydia about how to pack a car. And I don't mean that in a kind of patronizing. I just mean I want to stop them from being killed with a kind of view to not letting things, if there was an accident, fly through to the front of the car and hit them on the head.

[Host]

Isn't that what a boot is for?

[Guest]

Yes.

[Host]

There's no overflow from them.

[Guest]

No, because we had the. We had the. We had taken down those. The seats in the middle.

[Host]

Oh, I see. Okay.

[Guest]

And we had a lot of sharp objects in the back of the car. So I'd cover them in a tarp.

[Host]

All the screws.

[Guest]

Screws. A lot of loose screws. God, everyone's going to have switched off again. How can you switch off twice? If they by some chance turned it back on thought, I wonder if that guy with the screw collection has Shut up. They're going to be quite disappointed. He's still going, but now he's talking about how to pack a car.

[Host]

Is there anything else you want to kind of. That's what I think. What I would do. Any kind of map. Well, keep going. Yeah.

[Guest]

I'm writing a book for my kids and it's called Things I Wish I'd known at 24 that I do now. It's not. None of it's trying to be too clever. It's just really simple observations that I've had in my life. It's like a dad in a book.

[Host]

I guess maybe you can call it that.

[Guest]

A dad in a book. Maybe it should be called a dad in a book. And maybe there are some bits of advice in there that they'll. Will resonate with them because it'll often be things I've been talking to them about during my life. Yeah. Get a brass. Get a brass screw collection. It's really important.

[Host]

Crucial.

[Guest]

Get a tarpaulin. Get a brass screw collection. The end.

[Host]

What more do they need?

[Guest]

What more in life? That's kind of it.

[Host]

You know what the last one will be?

[Guest]

I've written the conclusion. It's really sort of a dedication to them. So it's full of sort of love for them. It might be about taking care of their mother. That's been a great concern to me about taking care of Liddy because Liddy's devoted her life to taking care of them.

[Host]

Good to put it in the book. Yeah. I was gonna say. When my father died, I happened to interview him for a project I was working on. Probably about an hour of him just talking.

[Guest]

Do you find that comforting now?

[Host]

Yeah. And sometimes I'll, you know, return to it. I think it's probably. Probably the most important other than photographs of thing I have of him. But I suppose, you know, I mean, who am I to give tips to anyone? But I think your kids would really value having your voice. People forget about the voice and just, you know, a recording of. Of you talking to them. And it's. All I know is I value that hugely.

[Guest]

That's a really nice thing to hear. Beautiful thing to hear.

[Host]

Yeah. But also gonna have this.

[Guest]

So thank you for that.

[Host]

You've got that in the tank. There's so many things I could still ask you.

[Guest]

Ask anything you like.

[Host]

What's going to happen to the screw collection? What do you want to happen to it?

[Guest]

I'd like to be clear about the screw collection for a minute. I think there's something I haven't cleared up. The screw collection is not for people to look at and say, oh, I love your screw collection. It is just a collection in a box for me to restore things with so that I get the satisfaction of knowing that something I've made is made with the original screws. And that gives me a weird pleasure. Weird nerdy pleasure. But if I'd known this was going to happen, I might have brought you a screw. So I'm sorry, I didn't do that. I wish I had brought. I wish I had just a screw by chance in my pocket. I could have handed a screw to you.

[Host]

You can. I'll give you my address. You can.

[Guest]

I'm gonna send you a screw.

[Host]

You can send me a screw if you do that. It's a solitary screw.

[Guest]

A solitary that you wouldn't.

[Host]

I can make a coat hanger.

[Guest]

What are you gonna do if I sent you thousand screws? You go, oh, my God. This. This weird guy I met has even got even weirder. And he's got my address, which would be bad, but, yeah, I'd love to send you a scoop.

[Host]

Perfect. Let's do it. That's definitely the only time that outcome's gonna happen for me. Talking to people on adventure.

[Guest]

I think so.

[Host]

Do you remember your first childhood? Nerdy pleasure?

[Guest]

Oh, yes.

[Host]

Here we go.

[Guest]

Oh, boy.

[Host]

Hit me.

[Guest]

I used to paint lead figures. Painting an orc. I didn't just paint orcs. I paint ogres. I didn't just Paint mythical creatures beginning with an O either. I'd paint dwarfs.

[Host]

Very intricate.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah. And how long would one take you?

[Guest]

A long time. I was very into it. I used to be pretty good at painting an eyeball. A small eyeball? Yeah, a small eyeball. And I can remember when my friend came with his mum to see me and announced that he had grown out of painting lead figures and would I like them. And I had this weird sensation that maybe I should go out of painting lead figures too. I still took his lead figures, though. So clearly I had a bit of. A bit of nerd left in me.

[Host]

When did the figures fall down for you?

[Guest]

Well, soon after, but I just switched to another nerdy pastime. The nerd didn't stop. It just meant I redirected it.

[Host]

Is it crass to ask you how long you think you have left?

[Guest]

I'll tell you what the original prognosis was, which happened in October of last year. I was given nine months.

[Host]

Nine months in October of last year. So that means you're dead now?

[Guest]

No, in that prognosis, maybe I was given 10 months.

[Host]

So that was the initial one.

[Guest]

Right.

[Host]

And then what's the second one?

[Guest]

Why can't I remember something so fundamentally important? I mean, I am getting a bit forgetful. Yeah.

[Host]

I can remember the remember more than you've forgotten.

[Guest]

Gosh. I haven't just made all this up, by the way.

[Host]

That'd be an amazing plot twist. Well, actually, not dying at all.

[Guest]

The long term stuff is very good. That hasn't shifted at all. But my short term memory is getting increasingly bad. What was the question again? Yes, that's a perfectly timed phase. What was the question?

[Host]

The question was about how long you've got left to live.

[Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Host]

Or diagnosis.

[Guest]

So they doubled down recently, the nhs, to make me firmly hear their words that this is my last summer. So that's the prognosis. But then other doctors have disagreed because I present very well. And here I am talking to you on a bench and I walked here myself.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

So who knows me? I could have years, but I could, if I listen to the nhs, I definitely haven't. I've settled into what the NHS have said because that feels like a safer thing to settle into than the other way around. And sometimes I do feel very sick. I can have these things called auras where I see things that aren't real, I can smell things that aren't real.

[Host]

When you see things that aren't real, what do you see?

[Guest]

I can see people and they can talk. They Talk.

[Host]

Oh, okay.

[Guest]

And I can wake up in the middle of the night and see people on there.

[Host]

Oh, that's not. That's not as fun in the night, I guess.

[Guest]

No, it's horrible. And then those people will stay with me for a few days.

[Host]

Oh, God.

[Guest]

On the periphery of my world, people, you know. Yeah. Most of the time they're not people I know, actually, but sometimes they are people I know. And the ones with the people I know have been pretty grim because they were not being nice.

[Host]

Oh, okay.

[Guest]

One which has been the most memorable. I woke up and they were dancing up and down and laughing at me whilst pointing at me. They feel very real at the time. And I often get warned they're coming because I get this tingling in my arms and my hairs stand on end and I start breathing fondly because I kind of know something freaky is going to happen. And I get this weird, really foul taste and a really horrible smell like I couldn't describe. It's like burnt rubber chemical smell. And that's when I know I'm going.

[Host]

To get a visual thing that's very unpleasant.

[Guest]

Yeah. And then sort of this sensation of being in another world to people.

[Host]

Yeah. How do you.

[Guest]

I mean, stays around.

[Host]

Are there any ways of stop kind of getting out of it once you're in it?

[Guest]

Well, because it's been happening a fair amount. I'm conscious that it's not real. Yeah. So if I just sort of hang about and just play it out and deep breathe. And Lyddy will. If I'm in bed with the lily, she'll say breathe and hold my hand. But some other lovely friends of mine who've been aware that this happens to me, who also just have held my hand in these moments, it's just made me feel so close to those people because they've been so tender in some really horrible situations. It's made me feel very connected to them.

[Host]

Yeah. Yeah. Are you comfortable talking about the. You know, the act of dying, so to speak? Yeah. Is there anything you. You want it to be in your head?

[Guest]

I'd like to be with the people I love. Like to be holding the hands of my wife and K. If we get that enough warning, that's where I'd like to be.

[Host]

I often ask this question now at the moment, but I don't know if it's actually. It makes it a better or worse question when it's kind of closer for someone. But do you want anything not traditional to happen at your funeral?

[Guest]

I won't deny I have thought about my funeral, I think maybe that's inevitable. But I have always thought of funerals as being something for the. The people who are still there and not for the person who's died. So I don't really want to have any ambitions for my funeral. It's not really for me, it's for the family. So, no, each time that thought has cropped up into my head, I sort of sat on it. As in I put it to bed.

[Host]

Yeah, you're right. I mean, it is a. For other people. But no harm of putting a request in there. Maybe the screws can be wheeled in. Maybe everyone has a screw in their pocket.

[Guest]

I had thought about that just the other day. It's weird. I did think maybe everyone should have a screw.

[Host]

But I mean, it's quite even that.

[Guest]

I thought, oh, that's going to give everyone a headache and they're gonna have to wonder what to do with the screw screw, because they won't want to keep it.

[Host]

I think everything. Everyone having a screw from the collection, that's really nice. And then, you know, they can compare the screws. It's not too much to take home. They also will probably think about you when they see screws. You're always going to see screws in your life and it's a nice way of remembering. That's how I would see it if I. If I was there and, you know, I got a scrub.

[Guest]

Oh, how wonderful. I mean, I know what you're saying and there's a bit that appeals to me because my career has been in the creative field and I like it from a creative storytelling aspect because it's a bit bonkers. But I always come back to the same default position, which is stop thinking about you just let other people do what they want. But yeah, when you said that, I thought, oh, yeah, that's a good story. Story.

[Host]

Well, I. Let's. Let's think of a few more questions. I think, you know, we've got a lot here.

[Guest]

And the sun's come out.

[Host]

Perfect. That's the dream. This is the. Maybe the most cliche thing I'm going to ask you today, actually, but sometimes it's interesting to do it. What is your message to anyone who'd be listening to this? Who is in. Actually, maybe let's do two messages. One for the people in completely good.

[Guest]

Health and then another.

[Host]

For those who are not in good health.

[Guest]

I find the question easier to answer for those who are in good health. And it would be to don't let a situation like mine be the thing that makes you go home and hug those who you love and tell them you love them. It shouldn't be a situation like mine that makes you do those things because it's really nice. It's the best thing that's come out of it is the fact that I've been able to spend time with people like we were talking about earlier and talk about important things from the heart and the soul and share those moments. Just sit and being. Another thing I've done a lot recently is telling the friends I love that I'm here for them at any time. And that's become an ever increasingly important thing to me. Don't feel that it's going to be a burden to me. It's the opposite way. If I feel like I'm helping my loved ones, that will be good because that's what I want to do in the time I've got left.

[Host]

Do you want to try and answer to do the other one? For those not in good health?

[Guest]

For those not in good health, Weirdly, it would be a similar answer to the previous question. Rather than spending time wallowing in your own problems, it would be to see if you can help other people. Because it's very easy just to think about yourself in this situation and to say, why me? And get angry, even. And as soon as you're helping somebody else, you inevitably take the focus off that situation for which there is no answer and you immediately feel better. I've noticed not always easy to do because it's easier to wallow in the other stuff. And I'm not suggesting I don't do that. So I'm not good at applying my own advice for sure. Sometimes I do, and it's because I know it works.

[Host]

Good answer.

[Guest]

Okay, thank you.

[Host]

I think that feels like a good place to hit you with the last question. Okay, what are you going to do next? Could be today, could be tomorrow, could be in the future. Whatever that looks like for you.

[Guest]

I'm going to answer it. The immediate future. I'm going to go home and I'm going to continue to make a little present for my wife, which I've been tinkering away at, and it involves. You'll never. You'll never guess what it involves. Yeah, it involves a couple of brass screws. That's not. That's not the only thing it involves, but it's. It's a. I'm making a little tea candle holder out of tiny parts of a shipwreck that I found. I'm not talking like a pirate shipwreck. From 300 years ago. I'm talking about a very new shipwreck that I found off the coast. So that's what I'm going to do when I get back. It'll bring me happiness just to lose the world around me. And hopefully bring Liddy happiness when I. I give her this bit of old wood and some old metal.

[Host]

I'm sure it will.

[Guest]

I hope so.

[Host]

Well, thank you so much for sharing your mind.

[Guest]

And thank you for asking me some provoking question.

[Host]

There we go.

[Guest]

There we go.

[Musical Guest]

Gonna say I love you more every day Maybe at the post office maybe on the way Gonna throw my ambitions into the sea See what lies at the heart of me See what lies at the heart of me Gonna get my friends around for the night Talk a bit of nothing say it when it's right Hula hoops and champagne let's give it a go Spend time with those you love the most Spend time with those you love the most Gonna send your screws if you and the post put them in your pocket Walk from coast to coast and we're all get there in the same boat.

[Guest]

We'Re.

[Musical Guest]

All get there in the same boat One coat hanger for one coat. Now I let you get on with the gift for your wife. But before I go, I think you should know that I'll cherish the moment I lived in your life. And I love you. There we go.

[Guest]

Sa.