Podcast Summary: Strangers on a Bench

Episode 49: I Go To Extremes
Host: Tom Rosenthal
Date: August 18, 2025

Episode Overview

In this moving installment of Strangers on a Bench, Tom Rosenthal sits down with an anonymous stranger on a London park bench—a retired man recently returned to Sheffield after decades living in Jersey. The conversation explores themes of extremity and moderation—both in physical pursuits and relationships—an exploration of solitude, aging, heartbreak, parenting, and the enduring search for contentment. The discussion travels through the stranger’s past as a bodybuilder and wild youth, examines the costs of a driven personality, and reveals a candid, poignant account of loss and the changing nature of connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

On Retirement and Daily Routine

• The Experience of Retirement:

  • Days "clump into one" following retirement, losing the weekday distinctions treasured in working life.
  • [01:14] “I’m retired now. I used to like Fridays a lot, but today they all clump into one.” (Guest)

• Intermittent Fasting and Health Extremes:

  • Only eats once a day at 5:30 PM; has previously completed a 23-day water-and-salt fast.
  • [02:13] “I only eat once a day, Tom. How about that?” (Guest)
  • [02:16] “I once did 23 days on salt and water. Truthfully.” (Guest)
  • [03:35] Critiques modern eating habits: “99% of people graze all day, they don’t appreciate the food.”

On Returning to Sheffield

• Reason for Move & Emotional Transition:
  • Recently returned to Sheffield after 40 years, facing the anxiety of change, but quickly adapting.
  • [04:30] “I don’t get excited too much about things. I sort of take it in my stride.” (Guest)
  • [04:54] “You build it up to something it’s not... there’s nothing to worry about.”

On Family, Loss, and Connection

• Orphanhood and Parental Reflections:

  • Reflects warmly on his mother and late father, referencing deep affection and shared humor.
  • [06:09] “Oh, so humorous and loving and such a sense of humor.” (Guest on his mother)

• The Shifting Nature of Friendship:

  • Discusses the winnowing of friendships over time and a growing comfort with solitude.
  • [06:49] “A lot of them aren’t your friends. But you only find that out later on as you go through life.”
  • [07:00] “I’ve mainly dropped them.” (On letting friends go)

On Extremes: Bodybuilding and Beyond

• Competitive Past:

  • Former competitive powerlifter and bodybuilder; twice “Mr. Channel Island.”
  • [07:44] “I was Mr. Channel island twice. One in 1986 and the last one I did was in 1993.”

• Ethics and Health Costs of Competition:

  • Refused to use certain supplements, knowing the health risks.
  • [08:44] “Just taking certain things, you know, strong supplements.”
  • [08:52] “...it would have been potentially damaging to my health with what I would have had to take.”

• The Mindset of Extremes:

  • Emphasizes his tendency toward “going to extremes,” from fasting to sexual exploits to competition.
  • [09:03] “I’m extreme. For instance, the 23 day fast, that’s extreme.”

• 1993 Bodybuilding Win:

  • Describes the competition day with humor and detail; selects “War” as his routine’s music.
  • [10:21] “What did you choose [for the routine]? War.”
  • [12:10] Won not only his category but the overall prize.

• Mixed Feelings on Achievements:

  • Now regards the bodybuilding physique as “bloaty and false and fake,” preferring “a more athletic look.”
  • [12:21] “If I had my time again, I wouldn’t do it... I don’t like that look any longer.”

• Health Consequences of Past Habits:

  • Heavy cigar smoking contributed to circulation issues, which he tries to manage now through lifestyle changes.
  • [13:24] “I was a very prolific cigar smoker and it damaged my circulation.”
  • [13:28] “I gave up cigars 16 years ago. But the damage was done.”

The Solitude of Aging & Reflections on Relationships

• Competitiveness Now Turned Inward:

  • No longer seeks to compete with others, only himself.
  • [16:10] “Whatever I do, I’m competitive, so I compete with myself. I don’t necessarily have to compete with anybody else.”

• Comfort with Solitude:

  • Finds fulfillment in daily routines and exercise and has little desire for new friendships or romance.
  • [16:49] “As you go through the years of your life, you change, you drop people from your circle and I’m pretty much, these days, I’m pretty much a loner.”

• Estranged Son & Parenting Heartbreak:

  • Painful recounting of losing touch with his adult son after a divorce; describes years of one-sided attempts at contact, ultimately stopping to allow his son agency.
  • [17:20] “It feels like nothing, but it used to hurt me. But as time passes by, the bond gets broken.”
  • [18:37] “I just wrote another email to him and I said... I’m always going to be your dad. I’m going to use this as my last contact with you because you failed to reply to me.”

• Acceptance and Letting Go:

  • Resigned to the reality that he can’t, and won’t, force a relationship; reflects on missed connections and the burdens his son may one day face.
  • [43:13] “What I used to worry about, I don’t now because he’s 26 years old. ... What used to scare me was that... he gets to 40 years old, I’m no longer here, now he’s mature enough to think I should have got in touch with my dad while he was alive.”

On Love, Sex, and Intimacy

• Shifting Attitudes:

  • No longer interested in romantic relationships; sexual needs are self-contained.
  • [20:07] “Relationships. Yeah. That was the last serious relationship I had... Every time it got to the point of, I want something more now, and I said, sorry, I can’t go past that point. But that’s all right.”

• Candid Humor about Sex:

  • Wryly discusses masturbation and detaching sex from emotion in later years.
  • [20:47] “I’ve got calluses on my right hand, and I just wipe it on the curtains and turn over and go to sleep.”
  • [21:10] “My willy has got me into a lot of trouble over the years. And I’m not gonna go down that route again.”

• History of Promiscuity:

  • Details intense periods of sexual activity with older and younger partners; proud and forthright about his past.
  • [23:11] “Many [one-night stands]. I can’t even tell you, Tom.”
  • [27:12] “I’d finish up and grab a granny. But I would always come away with something. So the oldest person that I had sex with, she was 69. I was 16 years old.”

• Shift Away From Both Youth and Age:

  • Admits past attraction to older women, but now feels no interest in partners older than 55—or significantly younger.
  • [28:50] “55 upwards. It’s just. It’s just no go.”

On Loss and Grief

• Family Deaths and Rituals:

  • Navigates complex emotions around his mother’s and brother’s deaths; finds comfort in nightly prayers over their urns.
  • [38:20] “I say a prayer over the urn every night. But I include my brother and my sister in law... it’s not a long prayer. I just say, God bless. Wrap your arms around them and that’s it... I do it every night.”

• Reconciliation Before Death:

  • Made peace with a brother before the brother’s illness and death, a source of great relief.
  • [32:08] “And I didn’t make up with him when I knew he was ill. We made up before he became ill, which I’m just so happy about.”

• Death's Impact:

  • Reminds Tom that the most profound loss is the gradual disappearance of energy with age, not individual events.
  • [39:39] “You think you’re bulletproof, but you’re really not. But continue thinking you are bulletproof because that’s the appropriate thing to think at your age.”

On Mortality and Perspective

• Surviving Health Scares:

  • Survived triple heart bypass and a heart attack while exercising.
  • [40:05] “Triple heart bypass. I had a heart attack two years ago while I was doing my pull ups.”

• Philosophy on Aging:

  • Accepts aging with equanimity; prefers not to dwell on predictions or expectations.
  • [38:55] “Don’t try and predict anything, Tom. I’ll let it just happen. ... I don’t make a fuss about anything. I don’t get excited about anything and I don’t get too down about anything.”
  • [39:21] “I’d much rather be 20 years younger because I haven’t got that exuberance and the energy that I used to have.”

• Advice to the Young:

  • [39:39] “You think you’re bulletproof, but you’re really not. But continue thinking you are bulletproof because that’s the appropriate thing to think at your age.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Fasting and Extremes:

  • [02:16] Guest: “I once did 23 days on salt and water. Truthfully.”
  • [03:35] Guest: “99% of people graze all day, they don’t appreciate the food.”

• On Letting Go of Friendships and Past Selves:

  • [06:49] Guest: “A lot of them aren’t your friends. But you only find that out later on as you go through life.”

• On Solitude and Self-Knowledge:

  • [21:27] Guest: “I know me and I don’t need anybody. And I’m happy when I get home and I shut the door and I’m away from everything. I’m quite happy.”

• On the Arc of Life:

  • [30:04] Guest: “So I’ve gone from one extreme...to the other extreme where I don’t do it anymore. Isn’t it weird?”

• On Death and Ritual:

  • [38:20] Guest: “I say a prayer over the urn every night...I do it every night.”

• On Youth and Aging:

  • [39:39] Guest: “You think you’re bulletproof, but you’re really not. But continue thinking you are bulletproof because that’s the appropriate thing to think at your age.”

Noteworthy Timestamps

• Favorite day of the week, fasting regimen: [01:11–02:33]
• Return to Sheffield & adaptation: [03:35–04:54]
• Bodybuilding career recount: [07:30–12:21]
• Sexual history and blunt disclosures: [21:10–30:04]
• Estrangement from son & approach to relationships: [17:10–20:47, 43:05–44:26]
• Making peace with loss (brother, mother): [31:38–38:50]
• Advice to youth & philosophy on life: [39:29–40:58]

Tone and Style

Throughout, the conversation is marked by Tom’s gentle, sometimes playful curiosity and the guest’s frank, occasionally raw honesty. The guest’s willingness to publicly dissect not only his triumphs but also his disappointments, regrets, and misadventures injects the episode with both poignancy and humor.

Conclusion

This episode stands as a testament to the honesty and depth that can surface between two strangers given a bench and half an hour. Through candid reflection and darkly humorous storytelling, Tom’s guest navigates the extreme ends of life—with wit, self-awareness, and, ultimately, a hard-won sense of peace.

[45:31] Final words:
Tom: “What are you going to do next?”
Guest: “I’m gonna ride home on my bicycle and enjoy the view and have my dinner.”