Podcast Summary: Strangers on a Bench

Episode 53: A Very Different Place
Host: Tom Rosenthal
Date: September 15, 2025

Overview

In this deeply intimate and emotionally raw episode, Tom Rosenthal continues his journey of connecting with anonymous strangers on London’s benches, offering them a space for open, vulnerable conversation. This week’s guest unexpectedly unpacks her difficulties with social situations, struggles with loneliness and the need for touch, and shares her journey from suicidal lows to hard-won resilience and hope for the future. Through gentle prodding and candid sharing, Tom and the stranger navigate themes of family disconnection, self-acceptance, emotional healing, and the subtleties of human connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Difficulty with Social Situations and Feelings of Alienation

• The episode begins with the stranger (“B”) expressing her immediate nervousness and recent emotional turmoil:
  • Quote: "Just been crying on the beach about that." (00:49)
• She describes fleeing a social event after just 15 minutes due to overwhelming discomfort.
  • Sought refuge by sitting with a dog at the party, which left her, heightening her sense of exclusion. (08:04–08:29)
  • "When I said hello to the only person that I knew whose party it was...I made a beeline for the dog...The dog left me." (08:04–08:29)
• Her self-perception is shaped by a perceived inability to connect, compounded by self-judgment and longing to be like others (in this case, “Lizzie” the social butterfly).

2. Family, Emigration, and Emotional Distance

• The guest shares her history of emigrating from Leicestershire, UK, to Australia at 15, leading to lasting feelings of not belonging and persistent family longing.
  • "We all emigrated when I was 15 from Leicestershire...I wasn't close to people even at 15." (04:00–04:16)
• Her parents now live in Australia, intensifying her sense of distance and absence.

3. The Need for Touch, ASMR, and Self-Soothing

• A major theme of the conversation centers on touch deprivation and the emotional impact of not being adequately physically comforted as a child or adult.
  • "I think we're all deprived of touch." (17:10)
  • She describes experimenting with safe, consensual touch with friends (e.g., practicing cuddling, playing with hair), and her interest in ASMR both as a recipient and potential creator.
• The practice of self-touch becomes a pathway toward healing and self-parenting:
  • Memorable Moment: The guest movingly recounts holding her own hands with tenderness:
    • “I just...held one of my hands, just looking at it and just feeling my hand...able to hold my hand like somebody else was holding my hand. Like a lover would hold my hand. And...felt this tenderness towards this little hand. And it was really beautiful.” (27:00–28:30)
• Tom relates, sharing his own upbringing and philosophies around physical contact.

4. Self-Judgment, Envy, and Acceptance

• The conversation spirals through self-consciousness, envy of more outgoing friends, and the tension between presenting one way (outwardly bubbly) and internal feelings of inadequacy or difference.
• Tom encourages celebrating personal strengths, not just fixating on what’s lacking:
  • “As much as it’s good to work on the stuff that we should work on, like, go celebrate what you actually have done and what you are as well.” (40:52)

5. Mental Health Crisis and Recovery

• In a pivotal, vulnerable segment, the guest reveals a period of suicidality and her path toward recovery:
  • “I tried to kill myself. I cut my wrists. I have scars. And I took an overdose...I didn’t really want to die. I just didn’t want to carry on the way I was carrying.” (41:34–42:38)
  • She describes multiple attempts over a month, ultimately pulling back with the support of family, therapy, and small but significant steps toward reintegrating into life.
  • “I didn’t want to feel any more pain. So I was trying to find all these different ways of killing myself.” (43:17)
• Advice to others emerges with urgency and empathy:
  • “You’re not gonna feel better. You just have to feel the way you’re feeling...Find someone who can hold your hand in it.” (49:28–52:00)
  • She stresses the importance of seeking help and the challenge, but necessity, of leaning on others.

6. Technology and Therapy—AI as a Supportive Tool

• The guest discusses using ChatGPT as a therapeutic outlet, appreciating its nonjudgmental responses and utility in managing anxious situations.
  • “I spoke to ChatGPT...he's like my therapist walking me through it. It’s okay to be not okay in these situations.” (07:14)
  • Tom is surprised at how effective AI can be as emotional support.

7. Self-Care, Ritual, and the “Ideal” Day

• Imagining her ideal day, the guest describes a day full of gentle, sensory pleasures and restorative practice, notably centered on touch, solitude, and self-care:
  • Early rising, aerial yoga, a savory breakfast, putting feet in a pond, a massage, and extended periods of nurturing physical contact (both with herself and professionals).
  • “I would just want to be held like a baby...just a whole day of touch. That would be like the best thing.” (32:01–32:34)
• Minimal to no desire for socializing in this idealized day, other than carefully chosen, safe relationships.

8. Moving Forward: Pride, Progress, and Healing

• Despite hardships, the guest recognizes her progress and growing pride in herself:
  • “It’s easy to forget how far I’ve come and what I’ve been through and where I am now. Got, you know, very different place.” (41:09)
• She names the friends who currently make up her support network, emphasizes ongoing social progress, and accepts awkwardness as a part of her personal growth.

9. Concluding Reflections: Catharsis and Next Steps

• At the end of the conversation, Tom asks: “What are you going to do next?”
  • “I’m just gonna go and sit on the beach again. Probably go for a swim actually...Cleanse myself.” (56:57)
• The guest expresses gratitude for the experience, calling the day “very cathartic” and marking it as momentous.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On social discomfort:
  “I turned up to be this bubbly person that on the outside I try and look like I am, but I’m not. And I really struggle in those situations.” — Guest (06:26)

• On trying, failing, and self-acceptance:
  “You invite people...I wanted to be different. I wanted to be like Lizzie... But Lizzie wants to be like you. That’s how life works.” — Tom (10:22)

• On touch deprivation:
  “I think we’re all deprived of touch. Not just me...We talk about it in my women’s group—how we're all kind of like talking about the fact that we are touch deprived.” — Guest (17:10–17:33)

• On self-care and hope:
  “I do feel like I will get what I want. I’m gonna get the touch I want.” — Guest (31:25–31:28)

• On vulnerability and survival:
  “I tried to kill myself...but I didn’t really want to die. I just didn’t want to carry on the way that I was carrying.” — Guest (41:34–42:38)

• On reaching out:
  “Find someone who can hold your hand in it...And you’ll come out of it, but you can’t do it on your own, not when you’re in that place.” — Guest (51:00–52:15)

• On healing and catharsis:
  “Very cathartic day I’ve had... momentous.” — Guest (57:13)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:49–03:07: Guest reveals anxiety, missing family, struggles with openness
• 06:26–08:29: Social anxiety at a party; solace in animals and fleeting connections
• 15:05–18:00: The power of physical touch; somatic therapy, ASMR, self-touch practices
• 27:00–28:30: The self-soothing hand-holding experience
• 41:34–42:38: Disclosure of suicidal period; moving through darkness
• 49:28–52:15: Advice for others in crisis; the importance of help and support
• 56:57: Closing: “What are you going to do next?”—guest opts to return to the beach for a swim and personal reflection

Tone

The tone is gentle, unguarded, and deeply human. Tom maintains a blend of humor and empathy, striving to listen and respect boundaries, even as he nudges for depth. The guest is candid, reflective, and unafraid to show emotion, offering valuable insights for anyone wrestling with connection, touch, mental health, or recovery.

For New Listeners

This episode of Strangers on a Bench stands out for its raw vulnerability, its focus on the small but essential rituals of self-care, and its honest, unflinching depiction of the challenges and slow victories along the path from alienation to acceptance. It offers hope, wisdom, and comfort—reminding us of the power of listening, touch, and persistence.