Strangers on a Bench — EPISODE 75: Donna

Date: February 16, 2026
Host: Tom Rosenthal
Guest: John (pseudonym, as per format)

Overview

In this moving episode, Tom Rosenthal sits beside John, a man spending his Friday afternoon on a park bench to keep himself occupied after the loss of his wife, Donna, three years ago. The conversation traverses topics of grief, companionship (both human and animal), lasting love, and finding meaning in daily life. John shares candid memories of Donna, his experience navigating grief, quirky tales of his pets, and reflections on the value of small joys. With humor and raw honesty, the episode beautifully explores how a person carries the memory of a lost loved one and the challenge—and necessity—of embracing new chapters.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Friday Afternoons & Grieving Weekends

• John explains that while he looks forward to Fridays, the weekends are hardest since his wife passed, due to unstructured time and loneliness ([00:55]).
• He keeps himself occupied with activities like cycling, visiting friends, or tending to his pets.

2. Pet Companionship: Cat and Rico the Tortoise

• An endearing segment where John describes life with his cat and especially Rico, his tortoise ([01:41]–[05:32]).
• Rico’s origins: Found by John’s brother-in-law wandering in the countryside, renamed "Rico" for speediness ([02:05]).
• John’s unique relationship with Rico includes training him, building an obstacle course, and sharing amusing anecdotes about the tortoise’s interactions with the cat.

"He's like Alex Honnold, free solo. He does his own thing."
— John ([02:33])

• John discusses the intelligence of tortoises and their epic lifespan, linking Rico's hibernation schedule to Donna’s birthday ([03:30]–[04:27]).

3. Grief, Guilt, and Memory

• John opens up about the evolution of his grief and how rituals, like hibernating Rico on Donna’s birthday, keep her memory alive ([05:54]–[07:28]).
• Early grieving involved physically marking anniversaries, but he found it too painful and now focuses on appreciating Donna in other ways.
• He describes the guilt of finding joy after tragedy:

“Of laughing, enjoying life. And should I be mourning? Should I just be sad? But Donna would be like, what are you doing?”
— John ([07:30])

• He acknowledges how hard it is to listen to common advice and platitudes about grief.

"Oh, time’s a great healer. Yeah, fuck off."
— John ([07:48])

4. Remembering Donna

• Tom asks John to share memories of his wife ([08:07]–[14:38]).

  • Donna was his longtime partner (25 years), "just lovely," and the first person he ever loved ([08:13]).
  • She struggled with type-1 diabetes from a young age, leading to serious complications.
  • Even as her health failed, Donna remained resilient and caring.
  • The couple never had children, a decision made in light of Donna’s health—though John now sometimes wishes he had that focus.

• On loss and maintaining love:

  • John still wears his wedding ring (amalgamated from both spouses' rings) and shares touching details of having it crafted ([34:59]).
  • He watches old videos to hear her voice and relive memories ([12:47]).

5. Navigating Social Changes After Loss

• John notes the social isolation that can accompany bereavement ([17:41]–[18:57]).

  • Many friends drifted away, particularly those newer in his life, often due to discomfort with grief.
  • He jokes about writing a four-page book titled “Don’t be a twat” about how to treat grieving friends ([19:04]).
  • He prefers awkward attempts at comfort over avoidance.

• Rituals maintain connection, such as kissing Donna’s photo every time he leaves the house ([19:32]).

6. Life, Action, and Generosity

• John fills his life with new pursuits:

  • He’s an avid cyclist—recently buying rare touring books and inviting international cycling guests to stay through the Warm Showers network ([21:04]–[22:21]).
  • He provides extensive hospitality to cycling guests, saying, "It’s the greatest Airbnb ever."

• He derives meaning from kindness, both given and received.

“Some people are nice because they’re just nice and don’t want anything.”
— John ([24:47])

7. Work and Surrogate Family

• John works for a Russian family as an estate manager, driver, and more ([12:02], [23:35]–[24:24]).
  • He has watched their children grow and become their “gay uncle dad” ([24:13]).
  • The family’s differing cultural outlooks provide John with new perspectives.

8. Life Lessons from Karate

• A lifelong practitioner, John has only used karate outside the dojo twice—once to break up a racist assault ([28:13]–[30:50]).
  • The discipline taught him resilience, patience, and commitment.

“Everything takes time. There’s no shortcut. It’s commitment, dedication… better to be judged by 12 than carried by six, you know. Just gotta be smart.”
— John ([28:18])

9. Love, Mortality, and Moving Forward

• John's relationship with Donna was defined by humor, compassion, and adventure ([12:37], [33:28]).
  • He reflects on dreams where Donna appears young and healthy, highlighting the enduring presence of memory ([37:14]).
  • Offers poignant life advice for listeners in relationships:

“Enjoy this. It’s so precious. Not all money, work and that crap. It’s about sitting on a bench, talking to a stranger, doing crap drawings… So glad you stopped.”
— John ([38:00])

• He acknowledges a newfound sense of possibility—a blank canvas, the chance to redefine himself at “a young 50” ([33:24]).

Notable Quotes & Moments (With Timestamps)

• On the pace of tortoise life ([03:30]):
  “They’ve reached their maximum. I don’t need to evolve.”

• On the awkwardness of advice after loss ([07:48]):
  “Oh, time’s a great healer. Yeah, fuck off.”

• On the social challenges of bereavement ([18:02]):
  “Lost a lot of friends. A hell of a lot.”

• How he’d sum up advice for the grieving ([19:04]):
  "Don't be a twat… Don't be a twat. Don't turn it. Be a Twat."

• On hosting international cyclists ([22:20]):
  “I go full monty. It’s like the greatest Airbnb ever. Beer, wine, salad starters, desserts.”

• On choosing not to have children ([31:38]):
  “Because she said it wouldn’t be fair. I might not be here in the future, so let’s give that opportunity… for someone else.”

• On forging his wedding ring after Donna’s death ([34:59]):
  “…he said, why don’t I just put them together? I never even thought of that. I went, yeah, yeah, okay, do that. And… he emailed me the next day… said, ‘won’t charge her. It's a gift from me to you.’ Just like, what the fuck? It's amazing.”

• Life advice to listeners ([38:00]):
  “Enjoy this. It’s all you’ve got… It’s so precious, so precious. And I’ve lost and I know how precious it is.”

Timestamps: Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:55 | Fridays & the difficulty of weekends after loss | | 01:40–05:32| Stories of Rico the tortoise and the cat | | 05:54 | How pets connect to memories of Donna | | 07:28 | Guilt and the struggles of finding joy post-loss | | 08:13 | John’s reminiscences on Donna and their life together | | 12:02 | Working for a Russian family—surrogate family stories | | 14:38 | Spiritual beliefs, coincidences, and messages from Donna | | 17:41 | Social isolation after bereavement; “Don’t be a twat” advice| | 19:32 | Rituals to remember Donna | | 21:04–22:21| Hosting international cyclists, Warm Showers community | | 23:35 | Reflections on Russian family and cultural differences | | 28:13 | Lessons from karate and using it in self-defense | | 31:08 | Choices about having children—explained | | 34:59 | Story of combining wedding rings | | 38:00 | Advice to those in relationships—cherishing the present | | 40:00 | John closes with a touching poem/song about healing |

Memorable Closing

At the episode’s end, John shares a heartfelt spoken-word poem or song about loss, drawing, karate, thunder, and Donna’s enduring presence ([40:00]):

"I’ve started writing / Gonna do a rat race in your name / Put a smile on my face it’s for me right now / it’s just me right now."

Tone & Takeaway

John’s unfiltered openness about grief, healing, and ordinary joys is both deeply touching and frequently funny. His warmth, wit, and defiant optimism make the episode a powerful meditation on love, loss, and what it means to move forward, one park bench conversation—and one click for Rico the tortoise—at a time.

For Listeners:

Whether or not you’ve known loss, John’s story is a reminder of how connection—whether with a stranger, a pet, or a memory—can keep us tethered in the hardest of times.