EPISODE 8: Youngest of Six

Summary

Podcast Summary: Strangers on a Bench – EPISODE 8: Youngest of Six

Introduction

In Episode 8 of Strangers on a Bench, titled "Youngest of Six," host Tom Rosenthal engages in an intimate and revealing conversation with a young guest navigating the complexities of family dynamics, cultural identity, personal passions, and future aspirations. Set against the backdrop of London's parks, this episode delves deep into the guest's life, offering listeners a heartfelt glimpse into their experiences and reflections.

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Favorite Day of the Week and Ideal Saturday

The conversation begins with a simple yet profound question about the guest's favorite day of the week. At [00:46], the guest responds, “Oh, probably Saturday,” elaborating at [00:53] that Saturday stands out because “you just feel like yourself,” unlike Sunday or Friday, which are tied to the transitions of the workweek. When asked to envision their dream Saturday at [01:05], the guest paints a picture of “nice lying, full English, really slow, chill morning. Just chill in the park with friends and then a nice meal. Dessert, of course. Come back, watch a movie,” highlighting the importance of simplicity and relaxation in their ideal day.

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Thoughts on London and Solo Exploration

Transitioning to their feelings about London, at [01:32] the guest shares, “The city itself... everyone’s just kind of stressed all the time,” contrasting it with their hometown, Birmingham. They note a perceived lack of friendliness in London’s fast-paced environment. Discussing their solo exploration of the city at [02:03], the guest admits initial fears but credits the experience with boosting their self-confidence: “It kind of like has boosted my self confidence” ([02:26]). This newfound confidence is described as “riding a wave of solo London time” ([02:32]), illustrating personal growth through independence.

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Life in Birmingham vs. Coventry

The guest provides a comparative insight into living in Birmingham and Coventry. At [02:44], they recount growing up in Birmingham, highlighting its vibrancy compared to Coventry, which they describe as “so dead” ([02:59]). However, Coventry's international university environment is a silver lining, allowing them to “meet so many different people from, like everywhere” ([03:13]). This multicultural exposure has not only expanded their worldview but also facilitated self-discovery.

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Unique Personal Habits

When exploring personal routines, the guest reveals a unique daily habit: dancing. At [03:38], they state, “I have to dance every day,” explaining it as a necessary outlet for stress relief: “It's kind of like my stress relief for the day” ([04:25]). Whether celebrating the completion of deadlines or unwinding before bed, dancing serves as a personal ritual that underscores their commitment to mental well-being.

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Perceptions and Stereotypes

A significant portion of the discussion centers on how others perceive the guest versus their true self. At [05:17], the guest reflects, “I look quite mean and like, not shy, but like, stuck up,” but counters this by revealing their actual approachability: “people are actually speaking to them because they usually tell me, oh, I wasn't expecting you to actually, like, talk to me” ([05:27]). Additionally, their interest in badminton surprises others, challenging stereotypes about their personality.

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Family Dynamics as the Youngest of Six

As the youngest of six siblings, the guest discusses the complexities of their family life. At [06:45], they reveal, “I'm the youngest of six and they're all like a lot, lot older than me,” leading to feelings of isolation during childhood. By [07:08], they express a sense of being a “last-minute surprise,” navigating relationships with siblings who had moved out early. This unique position within a large family has shaped their interpersonal dynamics and personal identity.

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Cultural Identity: British and Pakistani Heritage

A pivotal topic is the guest’s bicultural experience, balancing British upbringing with Pakistani heritage. At [07:13], they touch upon the cultural gap and the struggle to reconcile these identities: “trying to be British for society and trying to be Pakistani for them.” Initially feeling embarrassed about their culture, the guest describes a transformative journey towards embracing their heritage: “Now when I meet people, I'm proud to share where I'm from” ([08:34]). This acceptance has fostered a stronger sense of self and cultural pride.

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Passion for Graphic Design and Creativity

The guest’s academic pursuit in graphic design is another focal point. At [09:30], they discuss inventing brands as part of their studies: “I study graphic design, so I'm always having to make up brands for companies that aren't real.” This creative process involves crafting not just visual identities but entire brand ethos, emphasizing the power of design: “It's like creating your own language, a visual language” ([09:54]). The guest finds fulfillment in the ability to shape perceptions and connect with consumers through design.

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Relationships and Views on Love

Delving into personal relationships, the guest shares their views on love and dating. At [13:37], they confess, “I've never been in love,” viewing love as more about “compatibility and companionship” rather than mere romance. Their approach to relationships is influenced by cultural and religious values, focusing on long-term intentions rather than casual dating. This perspective is rooted in a desire for meaningful connections and mutual understanding.

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Overcoming Self-Doubt and Future Goals

Addressing personal challenges, the guest discusses their fear of inadequacy in pursuing their passion: “I'm just so scared that I'm not good enough” ([16:26]). Despite these fears, they recognize the importance of taking risks: “There’s nothing wrong with failing” ([16:56]). With aspirations to launch their own graphic design studio, the guest is motivated to overcome self-doubt and embrace their creative potential, viewing each step as a necessary move towards personal and professional growth.

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Reflections on Bus Rides and Alone Time

The guest shares a fondness for bus rides, particularly the route from Birmingham to Coventry. At [18:07], they describe it as “therapeutic” and a time for relaxation: “I find it so therapeutic because it’s like about an hour journey.” These moments of solitude serve as a counterbalance to their vibrant family life, providing necessary alone time to recharge and reflect.

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Conclusion

Episode 8 of Strangers on a Bench offers a compelling narrative of a young individual navigating the intersections of family, culture, and personal ambition. Through honest and introspective dialogue, the guest reveals the layers of their identity, the challenges of balancing diverse cultural expectations, and the unwavering pursuit of their passions. Tom Rosenthal skillfully captures these nuanced conversations, making this episode a rich and engaging listen for anyone interested in the human stories that unfold in the quiet moments shared on a park bench.

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Notable Quotes

• Favorite Day: “Sunday you're kind of getting ready for the week and then Friday you've just unwinded from the week. So Saturday is kind of. I feel like you're just yourself.” ([00:53])

• Solo Exploration Boost: “It’s like, oh, it was that easy. And it kind of like has boosted my self confidence.” ([02:26])

• Cultural Identity: “I was so embarrassed of my religion, my culture. I'd never speak about it or like I'd never own it or be proud of it.” ([08:34])

• Graphic Design Passion: “It's like creating your own language, a visual language, and trying to get the consumer to see this brand in a certain way.” ([09:54])

• Views on Love: “I've never been in love. I don't know how I feel about it, to be honest.” ([13:37])

• Overcoming Fear: “I'm just so scared that I'm not good enough. But the thing is, even if it does go wrong, there's nothing wrong with that.” ([16:26])

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This episode beautifully encapsulates the essence of connecting with strangers, revealing the depth and diversity of individual experiences through candid and meaningful conversations.

Transcript

[A]

Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? What is your favorite day of the week?

[B]

Oh, probably Saturday.

[A]

Can you say why?

[B]

Sunday you're kind of getting ready for the week and then Friday you've just unwinded from the week. So Saturday is kind of. I feel like you're just yourself.

[A]

If your dream Saturday could happen. What does it look like?

[B]

Nice lying, full English, really slow, chill morning. Just chill in the park with friends and then a nice meal. Dessert, of course. Come back, watch a movie.

[A]

I like that you put dessert in there.

[B]

Yeah, just in case. Yeah, that's mandatory.

[A]

I'm also a dessert fan. So tell me how you feel about London.

[B]

The city itself. I love there's so much to do, like all the time because I come from Birmingham, which is kind of like, you know, it's a bit dead compared to here, but the people are a lot different here. I feel like everyone's just kind of stressed all the time and you can kind of see it in their face. Like when people are walking past, they don't look friendly and approachable. So that's kind of a big difference.

[A]

I've noticed today is the first time you're exploring London as a solo person.

[B]

Solo, yeah.

[A]

Can you tell me about what it's like to explore London on your own?

[B]

I was quite scared at first to like leave my hotel and then when I did it, I was like, oh, it was that easy. And it kind of like has boosted my self confidence. Yeah. Because I got here.

[A]

So you're basically kind of riding a wave of solo London time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The confidence is surging.

[B]

Yeah, it is, it really is.

[A]

Tell me what Birmingham is like to live in. Did you grow up there?

[B]

Yeah. So I've kind of been there like my whole life in the same house and everything. But for the past two years I've been living in Coventry for university. Like comparing it to Coventry. Birmingham's amazing because Coventry is so dead. It's.

[A]

Can we find one? Let's try and. Let's try and find one really exciting thing about Coventry. There must be something in there.

[B]

For me personally, what makes Coventry amazing is the people I've met.

[A]

There you go. That's good. That's good. They're doing well. That's a good start.

[B]

Yeah. My university is quite international, so I've Met so many different people from, like everywhere. You learn just like new ways of thinking, new cultures, new everything. And it's like learning about them has taught me about myself as well.

[A]

Is there anything you think you do as part of your kind of daily routine that kind of no one else does, as well as being like something that you feel like is only yours that you've got?

[B]

Oh, I'm pretty sure lots of people do this, but I have to dance every day.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Yeah. Like, I have to get it out of my system. It happens at random points throughout the day.

[A]

If you, like, needed to dance, like here in this park.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, would you.

[B]

No, that's kind of something that's just for me.

[A]

It needs to be private.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So it's not like something like, oh, this needs to come out of me like now.

[B]

It's not like, oh, yeah, it's not like an issue. It's just. It's kind of like my stress relief for the day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's usually. It's really bad, but like just before bed, usually. Or like after I've just submitted a deadline, I have to. It's like a celebration for me. Like, that's getting rid of all the stress. Yeah.

[A]

So it's like deadline in sorted Dance party.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What a lovely thing to do.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Is there anything you wish was visible in you that is invisible to other people? Sometimes we carry these things with us or we have stuff that we wish people maybe might see every now and again, but no one sees because it is invisible.

[B]

Yeah. I'm gonna say no because I kind of like surprising people. People I think look at me and have a certain stereotype attached to me, but then I end up really surprising them.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I really like that.

[A]

What do you think people think when they talk to and see you? And what do you think you surprise them with?

[B]

Well, what I've been told is I look quite mean and like, not shy, but like, stuck up. And I don't think I am. So then I like when I talk, people are surprised that I'm actually speaking to them because they usually tell me, oh, I wasn't expecting you to actually, like, talk to me.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

And then I guess the things I'm interested in, you wouldn't associate, like, me with that. So, like badminton. I love badminton. It's like my favorite sport.

[A]

You're right. I wouldn't have naturally gone badminton.

[B]

Yeah, most people. Yeah.

[A]

But I don't know what a badminton kind of.

[B]

Yeah, they're usually a bit taller.

[A]

What is it? About Babington. That excites you?

[B]

Oh, I just love. I've just played it since I was young and it's just. Well, I suppose it's returning a shot that no one thought like you or the opposition thought you would return. Like when I played my friends, sometimes they're like, we both like after I just returned, like, wait, did that just happen?

[A]

Do you have a good family setup? What's it like being in your a member of your family?

[B]

So I'm the youngest of six and they're all like a lot, lot older than me. So growing up I wasn't close with my siblings at all. It kind of felt like I was an only child. Sort of interesting because like by the time I was like 10, they were all like married and moved out with kids.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So your parents just had a massive gap.

[B]

Yeah, basically. Yeah. I wasn't meant to be here.

[A]

And then like you were just last minute surprise. Last minute magic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Do you think they've parented you in a different way because of that? I mean, can you tell me more about that?

[B]

Well, because I not only have the age gap, but there's a sort of cultural difference as well. So like I've grown up like British, but then my parents were Pakistani, so I had to deal with that, like trying to be British for society and trying to be Pakistani for them. And then it was hard for them to understand like the things I wanted to do sometimes. But as I've gotten older, like we've defo gotten more of a mutual understanding and like now that I'm an adult, really, we get on a lot more. It's been a journey, but it's ended in like a beautiful relationship.

[A]

How wonderful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you pinpoint like a time or a moment where did anything help it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Become smoother.

[B]

Moving out for university. It just made us appreciate each other so much more.

[A]

Being apart, you mentioned about being like Pakistani and kind of, that's being your kind of parents core, obviously. And then you're feeling a bit more kind of English. Can you tell me more about like how you weigh those two up?

[B]

Well, because I went to very like predominantly white schools, so I always found myself trying to act like more white. I was so embarrassed of my religion, my culture. I'd never speak about it or like I'd never own it or be proud of it. But then as I've grown older, I've gotten such an appreciation for it now because that's like what makes me me and the fact that I hid it away and was embarrassed of it. Like, I can't believe I went through that. Because now when I meet people, I'm proud to share where I'm from. Even though I don't feel like I'm actually from there, it still is, like, part of me. Because, like, if I was to go back to Pakistan, they would see me as an English person.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't really know where I fit in, but I've kind of just accepted that and made my own definition.

[A]

Have you ever invented anything?

[B]

Oh, kind of.

[A]

What? Tell me.

[B]

I study graphic design, so I'm always having to make up brands for companies that aren't real. So we kind of invent that, I guess, because there's a lot more that goes into it than just a logo, and there's a whole ethos behind it that you have to create.

[A]

What is it about it that appeals to you?

[B]

Like, people don't really realize, but everything needs design. Like, this park was designed. Websites, shops, every business needs a visual to it. So we kind of give life to businesses and brands because the logos and the branding colors and the fonts and everything that we choose actually all have a deep meaning behind it that people don't really see. It's kind of like creating your own language, a visual language, and trying to get the consumer to see this brand in a certain way. And I think that having that power is, like. That's really strong for me, I think, and it's quite a privilege as well.

[A]

That's a very good answer. It's a really good answer. Oh, hello.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

How do you feel about bumblebees?

[B]

They're all right. I don't know. I just feel like if they just, you know, stuck to their own space and not mine, that would be great.

[A]

They like to move around.

[B]

Yeah, they are cute.

[A]

How do you get on? So you have six siblings? Five siblings.

[B]

Five siblings.

[A]

You're the youngest of six?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are your relationships like with your siblings?

[B]

They're all quite different because they all have quite different personalities. I'd say. I'm closest to the youngest two. My older sister is like a second mom to me, whereas the younger two are more like, now that I'm older, we're kind of more on the same page.

[A]

Is there a WhatsApp group?

[B]

Yeah, there is. There's quite a few. There's one for just the sisters. There's one for just the siblings. There's one with all of us and our parents, and then there's one with all of us and our parents and all, like, wives. And husbands. Wow.

[A]

There are four.

[B]

Yeah. Crikey.

[A]

Out of those four WhatsApp groups.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's the most important one for you? Like, which one? Which one? If you can only keep one.

[B]

Oh, God. I guess it's gonna be my sisters and my mom because we plan a lot of, like, trips and stuff, like, just the girls, so it's. We need that, really. From an admin point of view. Yeah.

[A]

What does a trip look like when you're all together? Like, what's the general vibe?

[B]

So we've actually just come back from Malta.

[A]

Oh, cool. Did you meet anyone excited in Malta?

[B]

Oh, yeah. We were walking around town and there was this guy, and he was like, where you from? And we were like, oh, we're Pakistani. And he started singing a Pakistani song without the lyrics, which we were so impressed by.

[A]

And he wasn't Pakistani.

[B]

No, he was Maltese sky strumming a little guitar.

[A]

Oh, so he's a kind of bus geek.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a group of Chinese tourists came, and he was singing in Chinese to them, which. And they were all joining. It was amazing. And then he was like, right, Pakistan, you're going to duet with China. And then he was like, when I tell you to say Cheng, Cheng, you have to say Cheng Cheng. And so they were singing, and then when it was our turn, he pointed at us and we sang Sheng Sheng. And when we sang that, the Chinese tourists were like, sheng Sheng. They were really excited for us to sing it. And it was such a, like, cute, wholesome moment. That was really. That was one of the highlights for me.

[A]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[B]

Yeah, it was just really cute.

[A]

What a lovely thing this guy did.

[B]

Yeah. And, oh, what a lovely little gimmick he has.

[A]

Are you in love? What do you think about love? What does it mean to you?

[B]

I've never been in love. I don't know how I feel about it, to be honest. I think it's more of a thing. Something people big up in their mind. But the reality of it is that it's more about compatibility and companionship. I don't really date. I'm just going to be about marriage. So then for me, it's really important to consider other things alongside. Like, just love. Yeah.

[A]

So if you don't date, how does that work?

[B]

Well, we kind of do, but we don't. It's not like Western dating, so we don't label it dating, but it kind of is. You talk and you get to know someone, but. But there's a lot more boundaries on it, and you have to have the intention of making it long term. Like people kind of just date just to date in the moment. But for us, yeah, we don't really do that.

[A]

That's interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is there any part of that you think really works and any part of that do you think doesn't work as a method?

[B]

I mean, for me that's from a religious point of view.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So for me it does work because I kind of know the reasonings behind it. For me it makes sense because I don't want to waste my time really, if someone isn't serious about me. If you just go into it knowing each other's intentions, it kind of makes it a bit. Not easier, but less confusing.

[A]

When you say you feel like you haven't been in love yet, are you quite confident about that?

[B]

I've been in situations where I've been confused maybe, but then I've been clear like, okay, that wasn't what I thought it was. That's what I mean about kind of digging things up in your mind and like. But then when reality comes, I've not felt like that. I'd say my standards are high.

[A]

Yeah, that's good.

[B]

Yeah. But I don't know, something just always ends up putting me off.

[A]

Do you have any moment you feel like typically puts you off someone?

[B]

There's one thing that does when they. Because of this. One of my non negotiables in finding a partner is that they have to be a good listener. When guys talk to me with a certain intention in mind, I feel like they always just talk about themselves a lot. Like I'm a human with perspective on things and feelings and opinions. But then I feel like they don't really see that I'm always getting cut off. So that's one thing that has made me realize I want in someone.

[A]

Do you have any questions that you would like to ask yourself and answer yourself?

[B]

Well, maybe. What's stopping you? I feel like I do hold myself back, which this year I've actually stepped outside my comfort zone a lot. But there's still more I want to achieve. I really want to launch my own studio. But I'm just so scared that I'm not good enough. But the thing is, even if it does go wrong, there's nothing wrong with that. Like I'll never know if I don't try. It's a real barrier that's blocking me right now.

[A]

It's again really easy for me to say this. This is about building the blocks towards like jumping.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you have a passion for graphic design. You've already articulated that to me. It's quite clear. Do you know what I mean? You've shown in your thinking that that's possible. So now. So now it is just the ju. There you go. And when you. And when you hear children sing the Harry Potter theme scene, you know you must start with graphic design.

[B]

Yeah. That is set up.

[A]

That's the sign.

[B]

Yeah, that's the sign.

[A]

That's it. Simple as that.

[B]

Needs to be done tomorrow. I'm getting on it.

[A]

Do you have a favorite bus route?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And why is it a pleasing route to you?

[B]

So it's actually the bus from Birmingham to Coventry. I actually love bus rides. That sounds so lame. But like, especially when it's sunny, let's say I'm at the top, it's an empty bus. Just put my earphones in. And I find it so therapeutic because it's like about an hour journey. Like sometimes I get a little nap in and it's really like nice because you go past all these fields and the airport and stuff and so there's nice scenes along the way as well. And that's my favorite bus journey. I'm going to miss that bus journey, actually. Yeah.

[A]

There'll be other bus journeys.

[B]

That's true. Well, hopefully not if I pass my driveway.

[A]

I suppose the thing about being in a car is that it's like tricky to see these things sometimes because you have to concentrate. Although you'll be free.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is a. Yeah, which is a bonus.

[B]

Yeah. I'd just sit in my car sometimes I wouldn't even drive. It'd be like another little room for me.

[A]

Yeah, I totally understand that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ask you a couple more questions. What is the biggest thing that has happened around you? So not to you. Around you.

[B]

I say just my family. I guess it's quite big and it's around me that has kind of made me. Me appreciate my alone time more. I love my family and they're so big and I love being around them. But I also have to kind of go off on my own sometimes, which is why I thought I was introverted. But as I've grown older, I don't think I'd label it that. I think you can be extroverted and still need time for yourself at family gatherings.

[A]

So you like your alone time? Yeah, I always. To be honest, at certain family gatherings you have little moments where you try and escape.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you do?

[B]

I pretend I'm going to the toilet and then.

[A]

Then never come back.

[B]

Then usually it's Just like an hour or like two that I need to myself. Might dance in that time, and I come back refreshed.

[A]

Yeah, that's great. You could get away with an hour like our break.

[B]

Yeah, it's because there's so many people no one has happening. Yeah. And that's just my immediate family, like with my cousins and my aunties and stuff. There's probably about 50, 60 of us.

[A]

Oh, so that's quite. Yeah, that's clever. So the more the people, the more you can escape. Okay, let's go for the last question. What are you gonna do next?

[B]

Right. Right now.

[A]

It could be right now. It could be generally.

[B]

Okay, I'm gonna answer that in two sentences then.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because right now I'm probably gonna head to Camden and get my chill roll. But in life, that's actually a question that's really. Because I'm entering my final year of university. When you're in that for so long, it becomes who you are. So without that, I know I'm gonna struggle. But I'm also really excited to kind of just get. So in terms of what's next in that sense, I'm hoping a graphic design job. Yeah. Hopefully my own studio.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Waiting for Saturday But I don't mind today my thoughts are d But my feet's perfectly so under the table what do they know? My life on a sheet all summed up nice and neat as if they could read me just like that they probably think I look mean Wonder what do they pretty think? Cause I've got everything I need and I wonder if this is next for me I stopping me when I I got everything I need, I need, I need so I can't I.