Strangers on a Bench: Episode 81 — "Down For Life"

Host: Tom Rosenthal
Guest: Anonymous (Philosopher/Writer and Skateboarder)
Date: March 30, 2026

Episode Overview

In this reflective and candid episode of Strangers on a Bench, Tom Rosenthal sits down with a stranger on a park bench in front of a thatched building—setting "new ground" for the show. The guest, an anonymous philosopher, writer, skateboarder, and member of a Native drumming group from Pennsylvania, shares a deeply personal journey through ritual, family, skateboarding culture, recovery, and identity. The conversation artfully ranges from the sacredness of rivers to the challenges and liberation of personal reinvention, offering listeners honest insights on addiction, fatherhood, masculinity, and belonging.

Key Themes and Discussion Points

1. Days of Meaning and Sacred Rituals

• Sundays and River Rituals (01:16–04:47):
  • The guest describes his ideal Sunday, highlighting a ritual of early morning coffee, writing philosophy, and—most sacred—swimming in the river near his Pennsylvania home.
  • Quote: “I try to go to water every day if I can, even when it's cold. But in the summer it’s really wonderful… I sit by the river, pray a little bit, ask the river if I can come in, swim a little bit, maybe see some fish... Say hello to the river, talk to the river a little bit, sit on the rocks, and when the feeling’s right, move on.” (02:47)
  • The river serves as a place of safety, healing, and connection, especially during his sister's illness.

2. Family, Memory, and Breaking Patterns

• Sister and Childhood Memories (06:22–07:18):
  • Fondly recalls mundane moments like riding the city bus with his older sister, who was often mistaken as his mother.
  • Quote: “She taught me you can change, that you can break patterns in families and you can take care of yourself and that's okay.” (07:22)
• Addiction and Recovery (09:13–11:07):
  • Discusses family history with alcoholism and personal journey to sobriety.
  • Quote: “I'm sober now. I had to get to a point where it wasn't appealing... It's very hard to explain because... actively talking myself out of drinking... didn't work very well. But actually just having the appeal gone, not sure I can account for that rationally.” (10:28)
  • Sobriety brings joy in simple things: “I really like water now. Water's so great, man.” (11:32)

3. Identity, Aging, and Mirrors

• Aging and Reflection (12:53–13:40):
  • Relates candidly to being 51 and accepting aging, “Got my gray hairs and my scars and it’s all right. That's who I am.” (12:57)
• Scars and Skateboarding (13:47–19:36):
  • Shares stories about his chickenpox scar, skateboarding injuries, and why skateboarding—“down for life”—remains vital.
  • Skateboarding offered autonomy: “It became my passion and something that was mine. It wasn’t school, it wasn’t from my parents... In skateboarding, if you fall down and get hurt, everybody cheers. So there's something about the activity that appealed to my soul.” (14:50)
  • The pain is “part of it; you're not failing because you’re falling. It means you’re trying something you can’t quite do yet.” (17:45)

4. Anarchism and Community

• Skateboarding as Anarchism (21:07–23:15):
  • Connects skateboarding with a philosophy of rejecting private property and building community: “For me, anarchy starts with a rejection of the nation state, a rejection of the state, but then a rejection of private property... The positive side... is mutual aid, supporting each other, not relying on the government, not relying on the state.” (21:16)
  • Describes arrests for skating and the odd juxtaposition of mainstream acceptance.

5. Native Ritual, Drumming, and Belonging

• Native Community (25:51–29:36):
  • Describes joining the Lenape Nation, participating in powwows, and learning that drumming means “the pulse is for movement. It’s a kind of physical and spiritual connection... the drum represents the heartbeat of the earth, which is your mother.” (26:56)
  • Entry involved humility and joining a month-long river trip, deepening relationships: “By the time the journey was over, we were all friends. And then my friend Mark asked if I wanted to drum. And that’s how it started.” (28:18)

6. Writing, Colonialism, and Personal History

• Philosophy and Colonialism (30:30–32:04):
  • His encounters in Native communities directly inform his anti-colonial writing. He examines his ancestors’ roles in taking native land and explores how to do right by that history: “My second great grandfather fought for the Union and the land in Kansas was native land... I’ve been very interested in that, trying to understand that process and... how do I do right now?” (31:40)

7. Marriage, Love, and Family

• On His Wife (34:00–36:20):
  • Celebrates her intelligence, humor, and energy. Notes origins as graduate student organizers and their contrasting personalities. “She’s just got relentless energy. She's way smarter than me. She's got a wicked sense of humor.” (34:05)
• Fatherhood and Change (37:51–40:04):
  • Being a father was transformative and scary—“being responsible just for myself... then for this human entity that seemed so fragile” and questioning inherited patterns.

8. Masculinity, Approval, and Healing

• His Father & Masculinity (40:04–44:41):
  • Explains his father’s harshness, and his own active choice to break cycles—embracing feminism and gentler masculinity.
  • Quote: “I just want to be a kind, gentle dad. I never wanted my kids to be afraid of me. Never.” (40:04)
  • Father’s death brought release from seeking approval and space to own his positive qualities.

9. Feminism and Rebellion

• Becoming a Feminist (44:41–46:45):
  • Traces his active commitment to feminism back to age 16, debating fiercely with his father: “It’s an active political position that I've taken since I was 16 and had arguments with my father about.” (44:49)
  • Tells a revealing story of his father’s outrage at feminist books checked out from the library.

10. Roots, Memory, and Belonging

• Deepest Memories (49:33–51:15):
  • In a closing exercise, recalls a sensory-rich scene from childhood: Kansas prairies, tall buffalo grass, and flowers, forming a profound experience of place and belonging:
    • “I remember being a kid, walking out and being dwarfed by these grasses... grabbing the grasses and chewing on them… super sweet, almost like sugar. Every couple weeks, a different set of flowers would bloom... [It] was this synesthesia... looked like, tasted like, felt like, and smelled like. And those memories are so strong.” (49:33)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sobriety:
  • “It was just a crutch, you know, and it’s nice to walk on your own feet after you’ve been using a crutch for a while.” (11:07)
• On Skateboarding:
  • “Down for life. I started when I was 13... rule for a while... if I had to go to the emergency room more than three times a year, I would hang it up. But… still doing it.” (14:47)
• On Community and Anarchy:
  • “The communal positive aspect of anarchism is mutual aid, supporting each other, not relying on the government, not relying on the state.” (21:16)
• On Drumming:
  • “The drum represents the heartbeat of the earth, which is your mother. So, you know, it goes from very simple things like I'm going to pound a stick on a drum, and then suddenly, you know, you're thinking about the whole world and the whole cosmos.” (26:56)
• On Fatherhood and Masculinity:
  • “I just want to be a kind, gentle dad. I never wanted my kids to be afraid of me. Never.” (40:04)
• On Approval and Authority:
  • “Even as I moved on in life, there were other people that were these male authority figures... until I realized, oh, I don’t have to have that at all.” (43:10)
• On Place and Memory:
  • “Even though I'm in Dublin… I think of being back in Kansas.” (51:15)

Timestamps for Significant Segments

• Ritual of River Swimming: 02:28–04:47
• Childhood with Sister: 06:22–07:18
• Addiction & Recovery: 09:13–11:07
• Skateboarding Philosophy: 14:46–18:55
• Anarchy Explained: 21:07–22:20
• Native Drumming & Ritual: 25:51–28:07
• Writing, Colonialism, and Ancestors: 30:30–32:04
• Fatherhood & Parenting Philosophy: 37:51–40:04
• Reflecting on Father’s Influence: 42:27–43:10; 44:41–45:08
• Sensory Memory of Kansas: 49:33–51:15

Final Reflections

The episode closes with the guest emotionally processing his presence in Dublin—carrying the weight of ancestry, relief from pre-trip anxiety, and an openness to new connections. He offers a compelling, eloquent perspective explored through vivid memories, thoughtful political commitments, and a gentle humor about the “nobody” status of a stranger on a bench. “I think the next thing is to embrace Dublin and get excited, just finally just be really excited to be here. Meet some cool new people, hopefully.” (52:23)

Tom ends with an original song inspired by themes of river, time, and change, poetically tying together the episode’s exploration of identity and flow.