← Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
#287 | Why It's Easy to Think Being an HSP Means You're Weak & How to Change the Narrative
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If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you may have internalized the belief that your sensitivity is a flaw — especially in a world that praises toughness, speed, and emotional detachment. This episode dives deep into how those beliefs are...
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By the end of this episode, you'll discover how to let go of the idea that there's an inherent weakness in being a highly sensitive person. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I'm your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I'm a highly sensitive person myself. In this episode, you'll discover why it's easy to think that being an HSP means that you're weak, how this self judgment affects your stress levels and your confidence, and how to start viewing yourself in a more balanced and accurate way. Welcome to this edition of Self Compassion Wednesdays, where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people by exploring the unique traits that shape our experience. Have you ever looked at sensitivity and concluded that it's a kind of weakness? This is very easy to do, but let's look at it in more detail. Why is it so easy to think that being an HSP or being sensitive means that you're weak? There are several ways that the mind can go and if you look at it, you may say, okay, highly sensitive people reach a point of overwhelm sooner than others, therefore they must be weaker. There must be less tolerance. It actually sounds very logical and makes a certain amount of sense. And so it's very easy to start thinking, oh my gosh, okay, this really is a problem or a disability or something that is either needs to be fixed or something to feel sorry about in a kind of way. And if you've ever caught yourself comparing your ability to tolerate external stimuli versus other people's and found that it wasn't as, wasn't as much you didn't, weren't able to, it's very easy to go into like, oh man, there's something wrong, right? There's something wrong with me. I am actually weake, easy to buy into. And we can't just power through loud environments or long work days or a lot of conflict the way that other people can. And is that the definition of being weak? I mean, isn't that what we kind of think of as weak? Oh, well, you can't last as long, you can't go as far. You can't withstand as much. And so, yeah, it starts to sort of line up and it's like, okay, well maybe I am weak, maybe being sensitive is weak. And it's starting to get a little bit scary when you start thinking this way. And then you add in, it takes longer to make decisions. So like, what's up with that? Is there something wrong here? There's the slow processing something that is again some kind of handicap. The need for alone time. It's so easy to judge, oh, I need a lot more alone time than other people. Some people don't need any alone time. And so they must be stronger. See how the comparison starts to happen. It's very, very easy to do this. You can even start judging this sensitivity as being fragile or weak or something like that. Then you add in, especially if you're in the Western culture, the value that is put on being thick skinned or being fast paced or being competitive or being emotionally detached. All these things are tend to be valued in our culture. And they, when you compare to what a highly sensitive person is, it's just the opposite. It's something like, oh my gosh, there's something wrong with this person. And it's easy to judge it as weak. Like we're seeing those qualities as good and the qualities of sensitivity as less than optimal. So sensitivity is often viewed as the opposite of strength in many cultures, in many mindsets, in many of our own conclusions. And that's what I want to look at more closely with you just now. I think about my own experience, for example, where I could easily judge myself as being weak is I don't like to fight and I don't like to beat someone. It just doesn't sit well with me. I don't like to do that. And so when I'm forced into a situation where I have to, I may actually look weak, I may actually get out of the situation or concede or do things that others would easily judge as weak. So this is what we're up against when we take an objective look at ourselves and go, oh my gosh, is being highly sensitive actually mean that we are weak? Let's take a look. But first take a look at how this idea that sensitivity could be weakness affects your confidence and affects your stress level. What happens when you buy into this idea? If you see yourself as weak because of being sensitive, then you may start to see yourself as less than. I think that's the natural conclusion. I'm less than, I can't fight, for example, so there's something wrong with me. I, I am weak. And then you can kind of feel your shoulders slumping. You can feel yourself like not wanting to be seen. It's all of the kind of things that go with lack of confidence or even the beginnings of shame when we're judging ourselves as less than. This is also, I think, a factor because being highly sensitive is such a minority, 15 to 20% of the population, that we've heard it from so many different angles that, oh, there's something, you know, you're, you're too sensitive. And we start buying into that. And there can be a kind of just like almost a shame that we take on from all of those inputs. We may then have an inner pressure to try to match other people and try to be like other people. And then we fall short, not able to. And so something's wrong with us, something's off, I'm weak, there's something wrong. So if you're trying to match other people's energy, trying to match their productivity, trying to match their social pace, you're going to start wishing you were different. You're going to start thinking something wrong. And it just weighs, you can feel the weight. It just weighs you down. And then the other cousin of that is you can, you can find yourself trying to start to change yourself. And this can look like too much emphasis on self development. I love self development. I love learning, growing, expanding, all of that. But if I'm doing it because I think I'm weak and there's something wrong with me and I need to change and I'm not good enough, then that's a very different kind of approach to self development. And it can actually feel depressing if you're, if I'm honest with it. So the problem is that as highly sensitive people, we often are measuring ourselves by the ruler of those who are not highly sensitive. And that's actually not a fair thing for us to do. If you're measuring yourself by someone else's ruler, you're going to fall short. It's just, that's the way it is. Not just with sensitivity, but anytime you're measuring yourself by someone else's ruler, that, that's just not fair. And yet we do it. So how can we start viewing ourselves in a more balanced way? I think the first thing is this idea of better and worse are unfair words to begin with. If you're comparing, you know, it's the old thing of carrying apples and oranges. You can't compare apples and oranges. They're different. They're just different. It's like saying that a dog is better than a cat or vice versa. Some people love dogs, some people love cats. That's a different thing. That's preference. But dogs are dogs and cats are cats. And you can't say one is better than the other. They just are different. They just have different qualities. And so sensitive people and non sensitive people are different. And if you're trying to compare them and make one better than the other, that's an artificial comparison. It's easy to do, we all do it, but it's artificial and it's not fair. So highly sensitive people are just different than others who are not as highly sensitive. And the idea of better or worse doesn't make sense. Another way to look at that is like, better at what? Comparison only works when you're comparing similar things. If you compare, for example, the ability to work long hours, an HSP is going to be worse at that. We can only work so long and then we like, that's it, we've reached our limit. So oh my gosh, that means I'm worse, right? I'm weak, there's something wrong with me. Like all the that judgment comes in. But if I compare, say, the ability to plan something so that all the parts of the plan work together harmoniously and everyone involved is happy with it, an HSP is going to be way better at that than someone with less sensitivity. So what are we comparing? Like, better at what? Why is there only one? Why are we only comparing ourselves to what people who are not sensitive are good at? No wonder we're always going to feel like we're weaker or less than because we're comparing it. We're comparing ourselves to where they're strong every time. But if we reverse that, start comparing them to where we're strong, you start to see this. Just this comparison makes no sense at all. Sensitive people are better at some things and people with less sensitivity are better at some things. And why make a value judgment in terms of our overall, oh yes, sensitive people are weaker or something needs to change about them. It's not true. It doesn't make sense. If you take for example, the ability to stay balanced in a noisy environment, an HSP is going to come out to be the loser. If you compare it to someone who has less sensitivity because they're going to be able to withstand that noisy environment much more than an hsp. But if you compare the ability to truly listen to someone, an HSP is probably going to knock it out of the park. They're going to be able to really be there, listen emotionally, listen, and intelligently hold the space in a very beautiful way. So where a less sensitive person is going to shine in a noisy environment and is going to stay resilient and robust and balanced, that's wonderful. But where the highly sensitive person is going to shine is in a situation where they are able to give that gift of listening that they know how to do better than anyone else. And you can keep going. If you compare the threshold for reaching overwhelm and you look at someone who's not so sensitive, they may look like they're really strong and HSP may look really weak. But if you compare the ability to keep going long term in a balanced way, the HSP may actually do better. It's that old thing of the tortoise and the hare, right? The hare looks great because it can run so fast, but the tortoise just keeps on going and at a nice pace. As long as it stays within its like its natural rhythm, it's going to just keep on moving and it may actually win the race in a kind of funny way. So we have to be very careful how we compare. If we're comparing only to where people who are not so sensitive are strong, then we are going to come out the losers every time. But that doesn't have to be the only way that you look at it. And that's why I'm visiting this to show you that you can look at it from many different angles. For example, it's sometimes valued to be less emotional in our society especially. And so being like cool and calm and collected and all that is great. And people who are less sensitive, they're great at that. They can just maintain this evenness and it's fantastic. The highly sensitive person is going to be up and it's going to be down and it's going to be emotion, it's going to be tears. And so if you compare that to this ideal of cool, calm and collected, the HSP is going to look like, oh boy, there's something wrong with you, or there you're weak, that kind of thing. But if being emotional is valued and that there are environments where being emotional is valued, then the highly sensitive person is going to shine. Like, who do you want supporting you through hard times? Do you want someone who's just cool, calm and collected, or do you want someone who can, can appreciate the emotion that you're going through, can respectively hold the space for you as you go through it? This is where the HSP shines. So you get to see how we shine in different ways. We all have different strengths and we're just talking in general about highly sensitive people or less sensitive people. But each individual also has strengths and we all have weaknesses too. And so I don't have to make it mean, overall, there's something wrong with me if somebody else is better at something because even though they're better at that, I'm probably better at something else. And I like to see the broad perspective to avoid going down that rabbit hole of feeling like I'm not good enough. You know, you can look at the need for alone time, and HSPs do need more alone time. And you can think, oh my gosh, other people don't. So hsps must be weak. They must be fragile. But if you're interested in knowing yourself better, if you're interested in the subtle areas of the inner world, then seeking out an HSP who understands the value of being alone may be exactly where you'd want to go. So it's all relative. It's all relative. We underestimate our strength as highly sensitive people, and we we forget that if we stay balanced, we may be stronger in many, many ways that others cannot be. We have advantages that others do not have. So it's just not fair to compare ourselves to people who are less sensitive and use their strengths as the benchmark for judging ourselves. There is room in life for heroes and powerful leaders, and there is room in life for quiet gardeners and listeners who hold the space. And both are valuable. So the feeling I'm left with today is that comparison is not fair unless you look at both sides. If I always compare myself to people who are not hsp, I will always think I'm weak. And if I compare, on the other hand, if I compare those same people to being an hsp, they may look weak in areas that we are strong. In this episode we looked at why it's easy to think that being an HSP means that you're weak and how this self judgment affects your stress levels and your confidence and how to start viewing yourself in a more balanced way. Thanks for listening. It's great to explore this with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Join me next time for Strategy Fridays, where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person. Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once? Take the HSP stress test@truinnerfreedom.com you'll also find a link in the show notes. The test will reveal your unique sensitivity profile, including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, emotions, social energy, and more. You'll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity. Take the HSP Stress Test now. It's a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom.