Podcast Summary:

Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Episode #321 | Why Feeling Unloved Might Not Be About Your Partner — A Conversation About Healing the HSP Heart Wound
Host: Todd Smith
Guest: Hannah Brooks, love expert, marriage coach, and host of Highly Sensitive Happily Married podcast
Date: December 12, 2025

Episode Overview

In this candid and insightful episode, Todd Smith sits down with marriage coach and fellow HSP Hannah Brooks to explore a persistent emotional wound many highly sensitive people experience in relationships: the feeling of being unloved or unimportant. The discussion dives deep into how this sense of “not enoughness” is often rooted more in an internal, developmental wound than in a partner's actual behavior. Through personal stories, psychological insight, and actionable strategies, Todd and Hannah detail the subtle patterns this wound creates, how to identify them, and, most importantly, how to embark on a healing journey toward self-love and genuine connection within partnerships.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The HSP “Heart Wound”: Origins and Manifestations

• The Unseen Wound: Highly sensitive people (HSPs), especially women, often feel unimportant, unloved, or undervalued in relationships. On the surface, it seems like a partner problem, but the roots are much deeper.
  • “It often feels to many highly sensitive people...that they feel kind of unimportant to their spouse or not as valued or loved by their partner as they want to be… But what's really going on there is a deeper issue which we could call a wound.” – Hannah Brooks [06:16]
• Societal and Early Origins: Messages received from culture (“you’re too sensitive”) and especially from early caregiving create a core sense of unworthiness, unlovability, or that “something is wrong” with sensitivity.
  • “We were kind of taught the opposite of that. To not love ourselves, to not believe in our sensitivity.” – Hannah [07:22]
• Pattern Recognition: This wound is not unique to individuals but is a very human, common response stemming from both ancient survival mechanisms and childhood attachment patterns.

2. How the Wound Shows Up in Relationships

• Distortion in Perception: Hannah introduces the concept of “care distortion,” where HSPs view their partner’s actions through a “lack of love lens,” missing genuine acts of caring.

  • “It's like we have a pair of glasses on… that are the lack of love lenses. Looking through glasses that miss the love and the care that are there.” – Hannah [09:53]

• Emotional Cycles and Triggers: The wound typically manifests after the honeymoon phase, especially when minor disconnections or less demonstrative partner behavior occur. HSPs may:

  • Take things personally
  • Feel more easily hurt or rejected
  • Engage in people-pleasing, withdraw, or grow resentful ([14:11])
  • Outsource validation to their partner (“relying on our spouse for his approval… outsouring our validation.” [15:25])

• Self-fulfilling Patterns: Ironically, these reactions—becoming cold, angry, or critical—can make it harder for partners to express love, fueling a negative, self-reinforcing cycle.

  • “We can end up showing up with our spouse in a way that actually makes it harder for them to love us…” – Hannah [13:11]

3. Why It’s Not Your Fault (and Why It’s Universal)

• Normalizing the Experience: Hannah emphasizes this wound is human, not a personal failing, and rooted in both evolution (maintaining group cohesion) and often less-than-fully-attuned parenting in early years.
  • “It's not even that something's wrong with you. And it's not your fault that you experience this.” – Hannah [19:33]
• Attachment Science: Modern research in attachment shows that secure self-love comes from early, attuned caregiving—something many people simply didn’t receive enough of, especially HSPs ([22:00]).

Key Strategies for Healing

1. Insourcing Love and Validation

• The Core Solution: Stop relying solely on your partner for validation. Instead, begin an “active, intentional approach” to learning to love and believe in yourself.
  • “What we really want to be able to do is insource that worthiness, that validation, that love.” – Hannah [27:59]
• Enjoy Partner Love When Offered, But Don’t Depend On It: Receive partner’s love, but be your "primary source" for love and validation ([29:07]).

2. Practical Somatic and Cognitive Tools

A. Savoring Positive Experiences

• Simple Savoring: Seek out and fully absorb moments of love or worthiness—whether with a pet, in memory, or with a friend. The neuroscience-backed practice: focus on the feeling for at least 30 seconds to help ‘rewire’ your body’s emotional baseline ([30:47] – [34:17]).
  • “Go sit with your cat... just sit for 30 seconds or more... take it in. What does it feel like to be loved?” – Hannah [31:17]

B. Observing and Shifting Thought Patterns

• Noticing Negative Thought Loops: Become aware when your mind tells you “I’m not enough” or “he doesn’t love me.” These thoughts are not facts—they’re habitual judgments from the “lizard brain” or negativity bias.
  • “These types of thoughts are not facts. Even if they feel real, they are not facts. They are thoughts and they are actually lies.” – Hannah [36:11]
• Questioning the Thoughts: Ask yourself, “How is this not true?” or “How is the opposite true?” to start finding evidence against old beliefs ([37:12] – [39:59]).
  • “Our thoughts create our feelings. So if we're thinking we're not enough of something, we're going to feel insignificant or unworthy.” – Hannah [40:09]

C. Compassionately Relating to Emotions

• Self-Compassion Practice: Treat your own difficult feelings the way you treat a beloved friend—with kindness, patience, and curiosity. Hold your emotional pain with the same tenderness HSPs already offer to others ([48:10] – [51:23]).
  • “That skill [of compassion] is already there...all we have to do is turn it inwards and start being compassionate towards ourselves in that same way.” – Todd [50:40]

D. Looking for Love in Your Partner’s Actions

• Challenge “Care Distortion”: Consciously ask, “Where is there love in this?”—even in small gestures, which may be in your partner’s unique love language (acts of service, bringing firewood, etc.).
  • “So one question you can just ask yourself is where is there love in this?” – Hannah [48:10]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “We might enter into the relationship and feel loved and adored … and over time… that's when this sort of heart wound can start to flare up, and we can start to project that internal sense of unlovability onto our partner.” – Hannah [08:05]
• “It’s a bitter snowball effect… now he's withdrawn or defensive, and now you feel even more unloved.” – Hannah [13:10]
• “If we have this, if we don't yet know how to fully love and believe in ourselves, we might find ourselves worrying about what our spouse will think… Outsourcing our validation.” – Hannah [15:25]
• “It is not your fault… It didn’t come from us. It came from societal conditioning and our own upbringing.” – Hannah [17:44]
• “Our thoughts create our feelings… if we’re thinking we’re not enough… we’re going to feel insignificant or unworthy.” – Hannah [41:04]
• “As highly sensitive people, we’re capable… of being very compassionate towards other people… all we have to do is turn it inwards.” – Todd [50:40]
• “We are not powerless in our relationships. If we can recognize how our own wounds factor into the relationship issues and look for ways we can heal ourselves, sometimes that’s all that is needed for a relationship to start working again.” – Todd [54:11]

HSP Superpowers in Relationship

• Unique Gifts:

  • Deep reflection and motivation to grow as a partner
  • High relational attunement (mirror neurons, reading subtle cues)
  • Sensitivity to beauty, enriching partnership through shared appreciation ([42:52] – [45:24])

• “We're also designed to have the very best relationships on the planet. But yeah, it takes learning about oneself, about one’s sensitivity and... love yourself.” – Hannah [46:01]

Actionable Takeaways

• Normalize and accept the “heart wound.” This is a human experience that often intensifies for HSPs.
• Practice self-compassion and notice your thinking. Don’t believe every thought—especially old, negative self-judgments.
• **Intentionally savor positive, loving moments, and let them “soak in” to start rewiring your emotional expectations.
• Look for love in your partner’s unique behaviors, not just the expressions you expect.
• Turn your natural capacity for compassion inward. Heal the self, and the relationship often follows.

Recommended Listening & Resources

• Hannah’s Highly Sensitive Happily Married Podcast:
  • Episode 3: HSP Strengths in Relationships
  • Episode 89: Loving Yourself to More Love in Your Marriage
  • Episode 131: The Hurt of Care Distortion
• Free quiz: “What’s the best next step to improve your marriage?” at hspmarriagecoaching.com

Key Timestamps

• 00:00 – Introduction to the “heart wound” and episode’s core theme
• 02:29 – Hannah’s background and journey as an HSP and marriage coach
• 06:14 – Defining the “heart wound” feeling of not being loved or valued
• 09:53 – Explanation of “care distortion” and the “lack of love lenses”
• 13:10 – How negative cycles and defenses reinforce feeling unloved
• 21:53 – The developmental roots: Attunement and attachment in childhood
• 27:32 – Moving from seeking partner validation to developing self-validation
• 30:47 – Savoring positive experiences to rewire the emotional baseline
• 36:11 – Noticing and questioning negative thoughts/inner critic
• 48:10 – Looking for love in your partner’s unique behaviors
• 50:40 – Turning outward compassion skills back to the self

Tone and Takeaways

• Warm, supportive, self-accepting: Both Todd and Hannah model patience, empathy, and hopefulness, emphasizing that you are neither alone nor flawed for feeling unloved or unworthy as an HSP.
• Action-oriented: The tools offered are practical, achievable, and geared toward incremental inner shifts—quiet but powerful work that transforms relationships from the inside out.
• Empowering: Healing the HSP heart wound is as much about embracing your gifts as it is about tending to old pain.

For more, visit TrueInnerFreedom.com or take the HSP Stress Test to start your journey toward emotional freedom.