#321 | Why Feeling Unloved Might Not Be About Your Partner — A Conversation About Healing the HSP Heart Wound

Summary

Podcast Summary:

Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Episode #321 | Why Feeling Unloved Might Not Be About Your Partner — A Conversation About Healing the HSP Heart Wound
Host: Todd Smith
Guest: Hannah Brooks, love expert, marriage coach, and host of Highly Sensitive Happily Married podcast
Date: December 12, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this candid and insightful episode, Todd Smith sits down with marriage coach and fellow HSP Hannah Brooks to explore a persistent emotional wound many highly sensitive people experience in relationships: the feeling of being unloved or unimportant. The discussion dives deep into how this sense of “not enoughness” is often rooted more in an internal, developmental wound than in a partner's actual behavior. Through personal stories, psychological insight, and actionable strategies, Todd and Hannah detail the subtle patterns this wound creates, how to identify them, and, most importantly, how to embark on a healing journey toward self-love and genuine connection within partnerships.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The HSP “Heart Wound”: Origins and Manifestations

• The Unseen Wound: Highly sensitive people (HSPs), especially women, often feel unimportant, unloved, or undervalued in relationships. On the surface, it seems like a partner problem, but the roots are much deeper.
  • “It often feels to many highly sensitive people...that they feel kind of unimportant to their spouse or not as valued or loved by their partner as they want to be… But what's really going on there is a deeper issue which we could call a wound.” – Hannah Brooks [06:16]
• Societal and Early Origins: Messages received from culture (“you’re too sensitive”) and especially from early caregiving create a core sense of unworthiness, unlovability, or that “something is wrong” with sensitivity.
  • “We were kind of taught the opposite of that. To not love ourselves, to not believe in our sensitivity.” – Hannah [07:22]
• Pattern Recognition: This wound is not unique to individuals but is a very human, common response stemming from both ancient survival mechanisms and childhood attachment patterns.

2. How the Wound Shows Up in Relationships

• Distortion in Perception: Hannah introduces the concept of “care distortion,” where HSPs view their partner’s actions through a “lack of love lens,” missing genuine acts of caring.

  • “It's like we have a pair of glasses on… that are the lack of love lenses. Looking through glasses that miss the love and the care that are there.” – Hannah [09:53]

• Emotional Cycles and Triggers: The wound typically manifests after the honeymoon phase, especially when minor disconnections or less demonstrative partner behavior occur. HSPs may:

  • Take things personally
  • Feel more easily hurt or rejected
  • Engage in people-pleasing, withdraw, or grow resentful ([14:11])
  • Outsource validation to their partner (“relying on our spouse for his approval… outsouring our validation.” [15:25])

• Self-fulfilling Patterns: Ironically, these reactions—becoming cold, angry, or critical—can make it harder for partners to express love, fueling a negative, self-reinforcing cycle.

  • “We can end up showing up with our spouse in a way that actually makes it harder for them to love us…” – Hannah [13:11]

3. Why It’s Not Your Fault (and Why It’s Universal)

• Normalizing the Experience: Hannah emphasizes this wound is human, not a personal failing, and rooted in both evolution (maintaining group cohesion) and often less-than-fully-attuned parenting in early years.
  • “It's not even that something's wrong with you. And it's not your fault that you experience this.” – Hannah [19:33]
• Attachment Science: Modern research in attachment shows that secure self-love comes from early, attuned caregiving—something many people simply didn’t receive enough of, especially HSPs ([22:00]).

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Key Strategies for Healing

1. Insourcing Love and Validation

• The Core Solution: Stop relying solely on your partner for validation. Instead, begin an “active, intentional approach” to learning to love and believe in yourself.
  • “What we really want to be able to do is insource that worthiness, that validation, that love.” – Hannah [27:59]
• Enjoy Partner Love When Offered, But Don’t Depend On It: Receive partner’s love, but be your "primary source" for love and validation ([29:07]).

2. Practical Somatic and Cognitive Tools

A. Savoring Positive Experiences

• Simple Savoring: Seek out and fully absorb moments of love or worthiness—whether with a pet, in memory, or with a friend. The neuroscience-backed practice: focus on the feeling for at least 30 seconds to help ‘rewire’ your body’s emotional baseline ([30:47] – [34:17]).
  • “Go sit with your cat... just sit for 30 seconds or more... take it in. What does it feel like to be loved?” – Hannah [31:17]

B. Observing and Shifting Thought Patterns

• Noticing Negative Thought Loops: Become aware when your mind tells you “I’m not enough” or “he doesn’t love me.” These thoughts are not facts—they’re habitual judgments from the “lizard brain” or negativity bias.
  • “These types of thoughts are not facts. Even if they feel real, they are not facts. They are thoughts and they are actually lies.” – Hannah [36:11]
• Questioning the Thoughts: Ask yourself, “How is this not true?” or “How is the opposite true?” to start finding evidence against old beliefs ([37:12] – [39:59]).
  • “Our thoughts create our feelings. So if we're thinking we're not enough of something, we're going to feel insignificant or unworthy.” – Hannah [40:09]

C. Compassionately Relating to Emotions

• Self-Compassion Practice: Treat your own difficult feelings the way you treat a beloved friend—with kindness, patience, and curiosity. Hold your emotional pain with the same tenderness HSPs already offer to others ([48:10] – [51:23]).
  • “That skill [of compassion] is already there...all we have to do is turn it inwards and start being compassionate towards ourselves in that same way.” – Todd [50:40]

D. Looking for Love in Your Partner’s Actions

• Challenge “Care Distortion”: Consciously ask, “Where is there love in this?”—even in small gestures, which may be in your partner’s unique love language (acts of service, bringing firewood, etc.).
  • “So one question you can just ask yourself is where is there love in this?” – Hannah [48:10]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “We might enter into the relationship and feel loved and adored … and over time… that's when this sort of heart wound can start to flare up, and we can start to project that internal sense of unlovability onto our partner.” – Hannah [08:05]
• “It’s a bitter snowball effect… now he's withdrawn or defensive, and now you feel even more unloved.” – Hannah [13:10]
• “If we have this, if we don't yet know how to fully love and believe in ourselves, we might find ourselves worrying about what our spouse will think… Outsourcing our validation.” – Hannah [15:25]
• “It is not your fault… It didn’t come from us. It came from societal conditioning and our own upbringing.” – Hannah [17:44]
• “Our thoughts create our feelings… if we’re thinking we’re not enough… we’re going to feel insignificant or unworthy.” – Hannah [41:04]
• “As highly sensitive people, we’re capable… of being very compassionate towards other people… all we have to do is turn it inwards.” – Todd [50:40]
• “We are not powerless in our relationships. If we can recognize how our own wounds factor into the relationship issues and look for ways we can heal ourselves, sometimes that’s all that is needed for a relationship to start working again.” – Todd [54:11]

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HSP Superpowers in Relationship

• Unique Gifts:

  • Deep reflection and motivation to grow as a partner
  • High relational attunement (mirror neurons, reading subtle cues)
  • Sensitivity to beauty, enriching partnership through shared appreciation ([42:52] – [45:24])

• “We're also designed to have the very best relationships on the planet. But yeah, it takes learning about oneself, about one’s sensitivity and... love yourself.” – Hannah [46:01]

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Actionable Takeaways

• Normalize and accept the “heart wound.” This is a human experience that often intensifies for HSPs.
• Practice self-compassion and notice your thinking. Don’t believe every thought—especially old, negative self-judgments.
• **Intentionally savor positive, loving moments, and let them “soak in” to start rewiring your emotional expectations.
• Look for love in your partner’s unique behaviors, not just the expressions you expect.
• Turn your natural capacity for compassion inward. Heal the self, and the relationship often follows.

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Recommended Listening & Resources

• Hannah’s Highly Sensitive Happily Married Podcast:
  • Episode 3: HSP Strengths in Relationships
  • Episode 89: Loving Yourself to More Love in Your Marriage
  • Episode 131: The Hurt of Care Distortion
• Free quiz: “What’s the best next step to improve your marriage?” at hspmarriagecoaching.com

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Key Timestamps

• 00:00 – Introduction to the “heart wound” and episode’s core theme
• 02:29 – Hannah’s background and journey as an HSP and marriage coach
• 06:14 – Defining the “heart wound” feeling of not being loved or valued
• 09:53 – Explanation of “care distortion” and the “lack of love lenses”
• 13:10 – How negative cycles and defenses reinforce feeling unloved
• 21:53 – The developmental roots: Attunement and attachment in childhood
• 27:32 – Moving from seeking partner validation to developing self-validation
• 30:47 – Savoring positive experiences to rewire the emotional baseline
• 36:11 – Noticing and questioning negative thoughts/inner critic
• 48:10 – Looking for love in your partner’s unique behaviors
• 50:40 – Turning outward compassion skills back to the self

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Tone and Takeaways

• Warm, supportive, self-accepting: Both Todd and Hannah model patience, empathy, and hopefulness, emphasizing that you are neither alone nor flawed for feeling unloved or unworthy as an HSP.
• Action-oriented: The tools offered are practical, achievable, and geared toward incremental inner shifts—quiet but powerful work that transforms relationships from the inside out.
• Empowering: Healing the HSP heart wound is as much about embracing your gifts as it is about tending to old pain.

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For more, visit TrueInnerFreedom.com or take the HSP Stress Test to start your journey toward emotional freedom.

Transcript

[A]

By the end of this episode, you'll see why feeling unimportant or unloved in your relationship may have less to do with your partner and more to do with a quiet wound many highly sensitive people carry. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I'm your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I'm a highly sensitive person myself. In this episode, you'll discover the hidden emotional wound that keeps many HSP stuck in cycles of hurt and disconnection. How this shows up in subtle patterns like people pleasing, resentment and emotional shutdown, and a healing path towards feeling truly loved by your partner and yourself. This is an edition of Strategy Fridays where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person.

[B]

Today we have a special guest, Hannah Brooks. Hannah is a highly sensitive person, love expert and marriage coach, and she's the host of the popular Highly sensitive Happily Married podcast. And she helps highly sensitive women break.

[A]

Patterns that lead to conflict and disconnection.

[B]

And put an end to the upset in their marriage and create the supportive, loving, light, and genuinely connected relationship they really want with their significant other. And the key point is, even when their partner wasn't actively working on their relationship too. I think that's just a super way of approaching it.

[A]

So welcome, Hannah.

[B]

It's really great to have you here on the podcast.

[C]

Thank you so much, Todd. It's a privilege to be here. I'm just thrilled to be here with you today.

[B]

Awesome. So how did you end up being a marriage coach for hsps?

[C]

Lovely question. It's kind of a long, twisty journey. I will not tell you all of the details, but at a certain point, I found myself deeply, deeply interested in human psychology and helping people somatically to heal anxiety and depression. And at the same time, I was going through a divorce. And it was sort of through that process that I discovered that I a highly sensitive person. And when I met my husband now, I had. I realized how much I had grown and learned. And yeah, I found myself in this amazing relationship after having processed and learned so much about myself, having gone through my divorce. So I felt like I had something really important to teach. It was sort of this combination of my previous knowledge and then what I learned through my divorce and my new marriage. I just realized this was such an important thing for people to learn, not just to learn how to have really great relationships. But specifically for those of us who are highly sensitive, there are unique things that we're faced with, unique challenges and of course, unique gifts that we have when we enter into relationship. And so I just felt like this was the perfect career for me and I really just wanted to help other women with this.

[B]

That's awesome. Yeah, I love the combination of, like, learning and knowledge along with experience. And when those two are put together, it can make a beautiful combination because the knowledge becomes lived and it becomes something that can inspire and is real. So I love it. So.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what do you think is the biggest challenge that you tend to see HSPs face in their relationship with their significant. Their significant other?

[C]

Well, I have found that, you know, I've been doing this for well over a decade, this specific coaching highly sensitive people around their marriages. And so I've kind of, over all these years, I've been able to see patterns emerge, of course. And I wouldn't say that there's one primary thing. I've kind of boiled it down to there being three sort of primary things or challenges that I see my people, us, as HSPs face in our relationships. But today I want to talk about one of the biggest ones. So one out of those three. And so that is, on the surface, at least, it, it often feels to many highly sensitive people. And keep in mind, I tend to primarily work with women. I'll sometimes work with men, depending, but that's more my, my knowledge, my experience. So I'm, I'm oftentimes speaking from the woman's perspective just because that, you know. So what I often see with highly sensitive women, although I do think this is true for men too, is that sometimes they don't, especially women don't feel like they're being fully met in their relationships and that they feel kind of unimportant to their spouse or not as valued or loved by their partner as they want to be, or at least not to the same degree that they feel they are meeting and loving their partner, if that makes sense. Or at least they used to love and meet their partner until it wasn't being reciprocated.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And so that's sort of like maybe the surface, surface issue, but what's really going on there is a deeper issue which we could call a wound. Like, it's like a wound that I think many highly sensitive people walk around with, maybe what we'd call a heart wound, where we do tend to feel unloved or not or unlovable. Unimportant, not valued, not worthy. Like, there's a whole bunch of words here that we could use to kind of describe this. I think a lot of people listening will probably understand, but, like, maybe something's a little wrong with us. And really it's a. It's a sign of never having learned to really love and believe in ourselves and our sensitivity. And in fact, we were kind of taught the opposite of that. To not love ourselves, to not believe in ourselves, to not love and believe in our sensitivity.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's exactly right. The, the. The takeaway that most of us come away with, with from childhood and then our whole life confirms it is, you're too sensitive, there's something wrong with you. Basically, there's something wrong, you know, and so that can translate into not lovable, not worthy as. Exactly. So, so how does that show up, like, in the marriage? Like, what does that look like? What are the signs of that, that. That you notice with people?

[C]

So this is a. There's a lot here, right? It can look different for different people. So if people are listening and they haven't resonated with what I said yet, like, because that's kind of like maybe it's almost like more like coach speak or therapist speak, right? Like, but the way you'll notice it, when we have this heart wound, when we don't yet know or haven't yet been taught how to love and believe in ourselves, it might kind of like, it might begin showing up in our relationship. Kind of like we might enter into the relationship and feel loved and adored. Right. In that early phase, in that honeymoon phase. And over time, as our spouse starts to be more their normal self, right. They're not like, they're not like, giving you that extra on their best behavior, right? They're just settling back into their normal behaviors. They aren't maybe as doting, right. Some conflicts might start to come up or there'll be a little bit an issue here and an issue there. And that's when this sort of heart wound can start to flare up and we can start to project that internal. Which we might not even know. We have that internal sense of unlovability, right. This feeling of not being loved or worthy onto our partner when, When. When they're not being obviously loving frequently.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So easy to get caught on needing that outward sign, you know, of being loved. And as you say, when we. We go back down to who we normally are instead of on our best behavior, then some of those outward signs may diminish or not be as present. And then the self doubt can start to creep in and get activated.

[C]

And I have come to call, I like to call things different things depending on the moment. But one of the terms that I've used for this is care distortion. So it's like we have a pair of glasses on that are, that are like the lack of love lenses. Lenses that are the lack of love. It's like looking through glasses that miss the love and the care that are there. And this tends to happen more when we have this sort of wound of the heart or we don't know how to love and believe in ourselves. Right. We're going to start to. Yeah, we're going to. We're going to. Again, like I said, we're going to start to feel that belief or that sense of we're not lovable reflected back to us. We'll see it everywhere. Even when it's not true, Even when it's not there.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Right. So we'll take things personally. We'll feel hurt more, we'll feel not loved even when other people or our spouse are sitting there adoring us.

[B]

Yes. That's the power of believing a thought, the power of a story, the power of something that we're buying into. And then we see it everywhere. You know, that's, that's amazing how that works.

[C]

And it's interesting because a lot of my clients, when they first come to me, they don't realize that they have this going on. Like obviously they don't realize it's their thoughts at first or their beliefs system, but they don't even believe they have like a low self esteem or they think about themselves in this way. But as we get a little deeper, it becomes more and more obvious. Right. So it can be really unconscious. But what's interesting is when that when this starts happening and we start to feel like our partner isn't caring, but a huge portion of it is really just our own stuff, right. Our own care distortion lenses. What oftentimes happens there that I see a lot and a lot of clients come to me with this going on is there's this hurt. But on top of the hurt is the anger, right? The anger is like a protective shell. And so they start to feel angry at their partners or frustrated or resentful and then they'll kind of complain to their partner that like for me it was, I was in my first marriage, I oftentimes I had this going on, right. And I would complain to my husband that he wasn't good at connection, that he wasn't spending enough time with me or that he didn't know how to connect well to me or, you know, some people, it will. It will show up as giving a cold shoulder. Shoulder or being critical or kind of snappy. And I always think that this is an attempt to get ourselves to be more loving, but it's not an effective attempt. I think we give the cold shoulder so that they'll be loving to us.

[B]

Right. Yeah, that's gonna really work.

[C]

I mean, again, it's like, it's so common and normal. So if people are like, oh, I've done that before, of course. Right. You're a human being. You know, when we're not fully conscious and we're not fully on top of. And watching out for these patterns in ourselves, it's. We just do it by instinct almost. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But, yeah, so we can. We can also feel resentful that they aren't loving or caring for us enough. And we can eventually start to close our own heart down in response to not feeling loved enough. So I actually think that sort of the result of this is that we. We who are kind of caught up in this can end up showing up with our spouse in a way that actually makes it harder for them to love us or to show us love. Right. And that doesn't mean we have to earn their love. But when we're hard or harsh or withdrawn or cold, or we kind of plaster on smiles over simmering anger and pain instead of just being authentic, it's going to make it harder for our partner to access those feelings of love for us because he's going to be so busy putting up his own defenses or whatever it is. So it's harder for his softness to show up. So now he's withdrawn or defensive, and now you feel even more unloved. So it's this, like, bitter snowball effect.

[B]

Yes, yes, exactly. So, yeah, it's. It's the power of being in that reaction mode. When I'm reacting, believing what I'm believing, I end up getting, like, a distorted version of what's going on, and then that contributes and then I act out of that. And it's just a vicious cycle.

[C]

It's so often this vicious cycle. Yeah, totally. And I do think there's some, like, simple, like, I talked about this in a sort of, I don't know if, complicated way, but I think there are some other signs that this could be going on for listeners. So, you know, if we're having this sort of. If we have this, if we don't yet know how to fully love and believe in ourselves, we might find ourselves worrying about what our spouse will think. Relying on our spouse for his approval or her approval. I call this outsourcing our validation. Right. Like. Like looking for signs all the time that we. That we are good enough because he's. He or she is approving of us.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Right. And that can also. That can kind of look like that classic neediness thing, but it can also look like people pleasing, like not speaking up if it might lead to conflict. Not making clear requests for fear their partner might say no or reject them. Putting other people like spouses and kids before themselves. And outside of the marriage. It might look like just believing that other people don't really like you or that you're not very likable. Feeling small or insignificant and telling yourself that your sensitivity is a problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So there's more things I've noticed that are pretty common.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

When this is done.

[B]

So there's a lot of repercussions coming out of this root belief that I'm not worthy or that I'm unlovable or there's something wrong with me or I'm too sensitive. And.

[A]

When, like, I guess.

[B]

How do you help your clients see that in a way without beating themselves up about it? Is there any. Any ways that you begin to help them understand or see this for. As. As it shows up for them?

[C]

Good question. I think I haven't really thought about this very much, but I do think one thing that I'm generally really good at is helping people feel like normalizing things, like helping them have compassion for it by. By showing them that so many of us do this. Like, this isn't a them problem. This is a human being problem. Like, this is. This is a challenge, that it's a human condition problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Right. And oftentimes, I mean, we will get into kind of where some of this comes from. Well, maybe this is a good moment to kind of share, like, why we even have this.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Issue. Issue. Right. It's not our fault. And I think that's huge. That's so important. Like, it doesn't. It didn't come from us. It came from societal conditioning and our own. Our individual upbringing. So our caregivers. Right. And I actually think there's something even deeper than this. I used to tell my. My clients, actually, I do, early on, I always tell my clients this, which is. I believe there's almost a DNA element of this, because feeling like we're not good enough or feeling like we don't belong or feeling like we're not lovable or worthy, a little bit of that can actually be helpful, at least in ancient times because it allowed us as tribal people to behave in such a way that we continued to be welcome and accepted in our tribe and that was essential for our survival.

[B]

Yes, yes. I think you're onto something there. I think it's not a bad thing. It's just that we take it too far and we can end up, you know, going into that vicious cycle we were talking about. But in, in a way being deferential or letting other people be first or deferring to others is a way of maintaining cohesion in a group. And it's one of the things intelligent. It is intelligent. It's also one of the things that hsps are really good at is maintaining harmony and bringing, keeping opposites together. And there has to be a certain amount of taking a back seat that happens for that to, to, to actually come through. So it's interesting.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. It really is interesting. I also. Well, I guess I already said that. I just, I think it's really important for people to understand that if this is going on, it's not even that something's wrong with you. Right. And it's not your fault that you experience this. And a really important piece to understand is that not only in a sense did this happen to you, I usually don't like using that language like oh, it just happened to you. But in, in a sense this really did like by osmosis land in you. And also you were not ever taught. We are not taught in our culture how to love and believe in ourselves truly. Like we might be taught how to become egotistical, like arrogant. Right. Or the opposite, which is what a lot of HSPs are taught. But we're not taught that kind of healthy in between place where we have super strong positive self regard that I.

[B]

Talk a lot about balance of opposites and I think that this is one of those cases where yeah, we, there's a fine line between like being putting yourself second so that the community can stay together and at the same time not going too far with it where now I'm putting myself so far down that I can't even participate. And on top of that I've got resentment that is fueling fire and breaking up the, the situation.

[C]

Yes, exactly. And in some ways it's a delicate balance, but I actually think in the end it really isn't. And we can talk about that a little bit more in a bit. But I did Want to share a little bit about, like, a little bit more in depth for. For people who. I mean, you. And I understand where it comes from, I think, but, like, I want to share that a little bit more because I think it can be misunderstood. And I think it's so important to help us normalize it, to help us feel acceptance, self acceptance when we're. When we're dealing with this.

[B]

Okay, well, what are. What else would you like to share on that?

[C]

Yeah, so it's just obviously this societal piece, the messaging that we get as hsps. We. Most of us get that to some degree. I feel like I was pretty lucky. I was in a. I went to Waldorf School where sensitivity was nurtured and cherished. So I didn't get as much of this messaging as a lot of my clients do. But, you know, we get this message that something's wrong with us, that we don't belong, that we're the black sheep. Right? All these things. And that takes a huge toll on. On so many of us. And. Right. And like, the whole, you're too sensitive, you're too emotional, all of that. And so then we have that. But then on top of that, and I think this. This just. When I learned about this, I just thought it was so interesting. And it's really that more and more research has been coming out about, you know, nervous system development and attachment, like, attachment theory and all of this, that it basically goes like this. Like when we, like most of us, didn't get the attuned parenting that we needed when we were little, right? Especially 0 to 3 is on the most crucial times, or 0 to 18 months, and then the next crucial window is up to three years old, and we didn't get what we needed necessarily. And if not because our caregivers were bad caregivers, it's just there's a level of attunement to the child that is. It requires a lot of attention and energy. And most parents until recently were not taught this. They know this. So basically, healthy psychological development happens when our emotional needs are met by our caregivers, right? When they give us the attention, the attunement. And the cool word that I love here is delight in us. When they delight in us, you know, or it can be they give us the empathy or the autonomy we need. Right. It's also. It's not. We don't want to be stifled and, like, overly doted on. But there's, again, there's this balance, right? And when our parents are. Or caregivers are able to do that. They give us the emotional nourishment sort of from outside of us to be able to build an internal sense of those things, an internal sense of lovability and belonging and enoughness. Right. To eventually be able to do that on our own, to believe in love in ourselves. So, you know, that's ideal when they give it to us. But often that doesn't happen as it should. Again, not necessarily because of neglect or abuse or anything, but just normal parenting styles that were passed down through the generations. So this is one reason we end up with this sort of heart wound or this deficit of sense of worthiness and security and belonging and valuableness and love. Right. So. And then we get that, that same sense, oh, there's something insufficient about me reinforced as we grow up by everyone around us because we're hsps and we're kind of different.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And it's just. It's hard to escape having this as, as an hsp. Now I know there are some people who, who were blessed with a really great upbringing and maybe, maybe we're lucky to kind of miss this, but. And I think it's actually like, I want to be clear, this is not a thing that only happens for hsps. It's just it's potentially more likely to happen or affect us more deeply.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Unless we do some healing work on it and then we're more likely to grow beyond others in this area. You know that the sensitive boost effect, as some people call it.

[B]

Yeah. Differential susceptibility. You know, like we as HSPs are affected by negative situations more than most people and. But we actually do better than most people once given the right tools or the right environment to begin to heal that. So we're in a good position. It's one of my favorite qualities of being an hsp.

[C]

Totally. Totally. So, I mean, even right there is the beginning of the healing is just understanding you're so special. And I don't mean you're like better than other people, but you're special because you even have this. It's like a little superpower. Right. To be able to grow and heal really well.

[B]

Yeah. And we need it. Like, we don't have. We can't get away with not moving in that direction because it brings us down so far. You know, we get, we get dragged down so far because of this sensitivity, but all it takes is just a little shift, getting in touch with some new directions that can make a huge, huge difference for us as HSPs. So what do you recommend to HSPs who are dealing with this in their relationships.

[C]

So in a sort of general sense, I mean, I think the first thing is just to understand that we actually need to learn how to have this belief in ourselves, this fondness for the humans that we are. Right. This love. We need to develop this love for ourselves. It's not something that will just happen. So it takes an active, intentional approach.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So I always want to make sure that's clear because otherwise sometimes the motivation or the. Yeah. Isn't there. But so, yeah, in a general sense, what the. What we really want to be able to do is insource that worthiness, that validation, that love. So that means. Yeah, bring it to ourselves in a sense. Right. Instead of looking for it from the outside or outside of us. From our spouse, for example. Right. Our spouse is the primary. Oftentimes when this is going on for us, he or she becomes what we think of as the source where we should be getting the love and the worthiness and all of that, the sense of importance. But we can't actually rely on that. Yes. Like, take it when it's there, indulge in it. When it comes to you as beautiful. Right. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. That's important. But don't rely on it. Like your work is to be your primary source of that love and belief in yourself.

[B]

That's beautiful. Yeah, that's beautiful. You become. There's a certain level of self sufficiency in that, even in a marriage. And when you're in a space like that and there is less of that neediness, then strangely enough, the relationship can start to blossom as well. So say more like how does, how does this, what does this look like? How do you get there? What are your thoughts?

[C]

Yeah. So in the most, like, again, the sort of most simple sense, I think of it as doing two primary things, like to be able to become that primary source of love and belief in yourself, myself, and at least the way I work with people is we focus on two primary things. One is guiding our thinking. And that includes like learning our brains work. Not in depth, like, I don't use all those fancy words or anything, but like getting a general sense of how our brains operate and learning how to take charge or guide our thinking and our thought processes. So that can mean kind of melting what I sometimes call like, or disbelieving certain belief sets and like intentionally choosing and building new sets of beliefs. And then also we want to learn how to relate to our feelings in very specific ways. So in Very healthy ways, which is super general. I know, but we can get more specific.

[B]

Yeah, let's go there. How do you do that?

[C]

So, I mean, there's, there's lots of different approaches and I work with my clients in various ways, of course, but for this issue, just to give some simple starting points for people who are listening. One thing that's really beautiful and so easy to do is to consciously look for or create positive experiences to sink into, to take in. So in this case, I would invite people to look for experiences or when you felt or feelings of being loved or being worthy or being enough. Right? So look for moments when that kind of spontaneously happens in your life or go create them so that might look like, like for me, it's so easy to go sit with my cat and sometimes I'll just like put my head down on her and she just purrs instantly, right? She's a super purry cat. And I instantly feel all this love and connection, right? And I feel valued and valuable. So I do that for a little while and then like you can just sit there. And this is a really important part is where you, you take it in, right? You sit for 30 seconds or more. So this is neuroscience research backed, right? To literally sit with it. Those feelings, the feelings of love or valued for 30 seconds or more. And the way that you can sit with it is, and I think this is really important is abs, like actually noticing the sensations in your body. Like, what does it feel like to be loved? What does it feel like to be in connection, right? So maybe not everyone has a cat they want to do this with? You can do it with a different. You can do it with a child, you can do it with a friend, you can do it with your spouse, you can do it with a plant, you can do it with a memory. You can do it with a figure, like a spiritual figure or like a wise person or an ancestor. Right? Any maybe benevolent being, any. Anything that can support you in coming into this emotional space that feels like you belong, that feels like you're loved, that feels like you're enough.

[B]

That's beautiful. Yeah, yeah. It's accessible, it's simple. The bar doesn't have to be very high, you know, like. Yeah. And, and the feeling is the same feeling, right? It's whether I'm connected to my dog, in my case, or your cat or your husband. It's a feeling. And getting in touch with that and culturing that, giving it space is. I think that's amazing. Yeah. Just like finding that one coal that's still glowing and just fanning it a little bit.

[C]

Yes, exactly. And. And be aware we don't do this once and suddenly that like hole in our heart is filled, right? It. This is. This takes repetition, right. And. And if you think about how long or how often in your life you felt that the opposite feeling, right? Like unworthy, unloved, it will take some time, right. It's a habit of mind and a habit of heart almost to feel that way. And so we have to spend conscious time and repetition building this new or filling that heart with this reservoir of goodness.

[B]

Beautiful. So are there any other things that you suggest?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So that's just a piece. You know, I. Just a moment ago I was talking about how there are two parts. We want to relate to our feelings in a certain way or work with our feelings in a certain way when we want to work with our brain in a certain way. So when I say brain, I oftentimes mean our thinking process, right? Our minds. So I think an important thing for sure is start to start to notice your thoughts. To start to notice when your brain is being mean, right? When your brain starts to tell you things like, he doesn't care about me, or you're not enough or you're not smart enough, right? Or you're too reactive, or maybe your brain is saying it in first person. I'm too reactive, Something's wrong with me, right? These types of thoughts. So these types of thoughts are not facts. Even if they feel real, they are not facts. They are thoughts and they are actually lies. Our brain loves to think this way. Our brain is designed to judge and look for what's missing and look for what's wrong. And I call. It's a part of our brain, right? I call this the lizard brain. The lizard brain, which we could also call our lower brain. But it tends to seek out what's bad and what's missing and focus on all the wrong things, right? And it does that towards ourself and it does that towards our partner. You also might have heard of the negativity bias. Some people I like, I think of the lizard brain as part of the negativity bias, right? Or like it encapsulates the negativity bias and more. But basically our brains go looking for that stuff. So of course your brain will share this type of thing with you. And especially if you have what I've been calling like care, distortion or the wound of the heart, right?

[A]

So.

[C]

I teach my clients to learn or to develop. Excuse me, what I Call sensitive awareness. And that's just using our sensitivity and our ability to be aware of, to just notice when the brain starts going in these types of directions, when it starts having these types of thoughts. And when we catch ourselves, we can ask ourselves various questions. But one could be, how is this thought not true? Right. So like if, if the thought, like for me, one of my, one of the areas this used to come up for me, especially actually at the beginning of my business, trying to build my coaching practice, I would tell myself, I'm not smart enough. And I think it was. I mean, I used to tell myself that in college, in high school too. And so stopping oneself when that, that thought comes up and recognizing that it's a thought and not a fact can be really helpful. And then going ahead and asking oneself, how is this not true? Like, how is it not true that I'm not smart? That's like a double negative. But yeah, right, like, or we could say, how is it true that I am smart? Right. And oftentimes we can find answers to that. Right. We can prove that mean belief about ourselves. Untrue.

[B]

Yeah, I love that. It's like the mind, its job or its ability is to prove things. So you just have to point it in a direction and then it'll find all the reasons why that side is also true.

[C]

That's like a puppy searching for a bone. Like, you throw the bone by asking a good question and the puppy will.

[B]

Just go, yes, I found it, I found it.

[A]

Look good.

[C]

Here's a little obstacle that can come up. The brain loves to say, I don't know. Right. Because it, it takes energy to think. It takes energy to think in new ways. It doesn't take much energy to think in old ways. So it will, it will try to sabotage you sometimes and tell you, I don't know. So if your brain ever answers this question with like, I don't know, I can't think of anything. Just like, okay, honey, I know you think that, but we're gonna do it anyway.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Because it's a cop out. Right. It's just like, okay, I'm just gonna hide out in the. I don't know. And because you can never really know and you know, there's all kinds of reasons to go down that path, but it's not helpful. Like, we need the balance, we need to see the other side that I'm. That I'm not stupid or whatever it is that we're pointing it to look for.

[C]

Yeah. So a further question we can ask when Our brain does this kind of thing. Is. Is. Yeah. How is the opposite true? Or how am I actually smart? Or how am I actually lovable? How am I actually good? How am I actually enough in this situation? Yeah, that can be really helpful. And one thing that's important to understand and I. Yeah, this might. It makes sense. But I think it can be hard to grasp the depth of how true this is without practicing and looking at it, which is our thoughts create our feelings. So if we're thinking we're not enough of something, we're going to feel insignificant or unimportant or unworthy. Right. If we're thinking about how we're smart enough or loved. Loved enough or lovable enough, we'll start to feel lovable and even loved.

[B]

Yes, there's a, that I often think of it as just a connection, the intimate connection between mind and body. You know, emotions being body and the mind being thinking, and they happen together. So when I, when I think something, I feel something and. And vice versa. That's why somatic work also helps with thinking. Right. But also thinking work helps with, with the emotions. And they go together. They're two sides of a coin. So the beauty of that is it allows you to like, use the thinking as the, the leverage point in this case. And, and as you work with it, then the emotions have to change. They just don't have a choice.

[C]

Exactly. And I think it's like I love working and helping clients work from both ends. Right. Like both sides of the coin, because they're both affecting each other and there's really powerful work you can do starting on either side, and they're both equally important.

[B]

So I agree.

[C]

Another piece of this that I think is important for us as HSPs in particular, is learning more about how high sensitivity does make you awesome, does make you an amazing spouse, even specifically, you know, see the strength of it, even if other people don't understand it so well what other people think. Like it matters what you think and what you believe about sensitivity. Right.

[B]

Yeah, I agree. What in your, from your point of view, do you see as the special qualities of an HSP in relationship? What do we have that is, that's unique or extra in relationship?

[C]

So there's so much that I've made a whole podcast episode specifically on this. So if people are interested, and I actually highly recommend everybody listen to it because it's so easy to not see how amazing we are as spouses. So it's actually very early on in my podcast. My podcast is called Highly Sensitive. Happily married. It's episode three and it's like, I forget what it's titled, but it's, it's just all about the strengths and gifts in relationship. It's not all of them. I limited it to 10 because, you know, I can keep going and it can be a long podcast. So again, I can't list it all here, but a couple things are, you know, because we're such deep thinkers and processors and like, we, we, there's a lot here, we can be very self reflective and that can really help us grow and evolve and be like, grow into better and better partners, if that makes sense. Like, there's a lot of internal motivation to be a really great spouse. Like another piece of this is we're very relationally wired. That's a big piece. Like we're like relationship machines, like innate. And so, you know, we have these more active mirror neurons and so we're more attuned to the person we're in a relationship with or just anyone we're talking to. We can read them really well. We, we can get a sense of what's going on for them. We can, and therefore we can respond super well. And that's something that a lot of people, you know, maybe don't love about their spouse because their spouse isn't highly sensitive and they're like, how come you can't notice this about me?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Right. Like again, this is like a super superpower of HSPs. One of the things I like to talk about is there's a tendency for HSPS to have a deep love of beauty and to notice beauty everywhere. And this is a little thing, but it's also not a little thing. Like by having that, we enrich our partner's life, we bring that in. We like for me, I always have pointed out sunsets how I look at that, right. And like my husband would maybe not even notice until I'm like, hey, look at that. And now he starts to point them out and my kids point them out. You know, little things. But this is a little thing. But it really enriches our day to day quality of life.

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

Or their day to day quality. So there's a lot more. Highly recommend listening to that podcast episode.

[B]

Well, yes, I, I'm with you. I, I, I think there's like, we are capable of deep relationships, capable of very fulfilling relationships in some ways almost more than anyone. And we have to learn how to set that up for ourselves so that we can actually get what we're capable of. Exactly, yes.

[C]

I think it's true. I love that you said that because I think not only do we want really deep loving relationships, like more than non sensitive people possibly, but we're also designed to have the very best relationships on the planet. But yeah, it takes learning about oneself, about one's sensitivity and. Yeah. How to kind of support and guide yourself and in this case, love yourself.

[B]

Yes, yes. You know, I often talk about stress being an overlay on top of our HSP nature. And so that stress gets in the way and blocks us from being able to have the fulfilling relationships that we want. If we deal with that through all the methods you've been talking about and so many more, like that's how we start to come, like fed those extra pieces and start landing in our truly beautiful, sensitive nature which can be an amazing partner and can be super fulfilled in a relationship.

[C]

Exactly, exactly. Yes, totally. I think that is so true. I love that roomy quote. It's. I probably botch it, but it's something like your, your work is to seek and remove all the barriers in yourself to love and, and maybe there's something that beginning in that quote like, but that's where I like the most beautiful, amazing relationships come from is the bear. It's just moving past the barriers.

[B]

It's all. Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it's not. There's nothing wrong with you for having barriers. We're all born into this world with barriers and we've accumulated them. It's just natural to have to have that. But our job is to take those one by one if we can and just start removing them so that we can find the jewel inside this beautiful experience of love.

[C]

Exactly, Exactly.

[B]

Beautiful. All right, so anything else you'd like to add before we close?

[C]

Yeah, I have two super quick ones that I will just two more little tips.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

One is because what I haven't yet mentioned is I do want people to be able to feel and see the love that their, their partner is bringing. Right. To take off the care distortion lenses. Right. And so one question you can just ask yourself is where is there love in this? Like if your spouse is not being the most epitome of love. Right. Or like doting and loving, like where is he loving me? Or how is he loving me? Or in a specific incident, where is there love in this? So often there's love in it and it's just kind of hard to see on the surface.

[B]

That's beautiful.

[C]

Or like I had a client who couldn't see how her husband was loving her, but he was his like love Language was service. And that's actually very common for. For a lot of men. And so he was dropping the firewood and bringing it in and going to the grocery store. Right. And she's like, but he doesn't love me. Like, well, actually, he's loving you very actively.

[B]

Yes. Right. Yes.

[C]

So it's sort of about consciously looking for it. And the last piece is a little bit longer or is a little bit not. It's like, it's a longer process. Is. Is more of this emotional piece is like becoming the loving, attuned caretaker of yourself that your. Your parents or caregivers weren't perhaps, or even just building on the goodness that they were able to provide. And I think one of the best ways to do this is through compassion practices and meeting your harder emotions with a lot of love and tenderness. And that's really about being present and attentive to your. Your body and how your emotions show up in your body and meeting those instead of with resistance and like, oh, I don't want to feel this with. Yeah. Sensitivity with. With kindness. Uh, the way you'd want someone who loved you, like your spouse to do for you. Right. Like, how do you do that for yourself as you learn how to do that? And you really build this secure attachment to yourself, which you. You needed in the beginning and maybe didn't get and now you're finally getting, because you are the adult and you are bringing this to yourself and it will allow you this sweet sense of being very loved.

[B]

That is beautiful. Yeah. I think as highly sensitive people, we're capable and we do it all the time of being very compassionate towards other people, even when they're hurt or reactive or not easy to love. We're amazing at doing that. And so that skill is already there. It's just we've been practicing it in the outward direction. All we have to do is turn it inwards and start being compassionate towards ourselves in that same way. Holding those crazy, stuck parts in us that are reactive and all the rest. And it begins to. To heal us the same way we heal other people.

[C]

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It might feel a little awkward at first, and that's okay. Right? Like, of course it does. It's new, but it's an amazing, amazing thing. And as you build that, your capacity to receive and to see your spouse loving you and your ability to interact from the soft place, a confident, loving place, is more likely to be reciprocated because it's just we mirror. Or humans, we mirror each other.

[B]

Wonderful. Well, this has been an Absolute pleasure. I love hearing your thoughts and insights on how to experience more love in a relationship when you're an hsp. And I love how it comes back to really how can we experience more love within ourselves and our relationship with ourselves? So exactly where can people find you? What do you have to share? I would love to hear that.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I, like I mentioned before, I also have a podcast, it's called Highly sensitive Happily Married and there's a couple episodes there that I'd specifically love to point listeners to besides that third one, and just because they're related topics. And that's number 89, which is called loving yourself to more love in your marriage and 131, which is called the hurt of care distortion. So those might take this conversation a little bit deeper. Further. And you. My website is hspmarriage coaching.com and you'll find various kind of short, shorter courses on there, like how to not take things personally. And then I do have a deeper four month one to one coaching option which is I love doing that. But the easiest and maybe a great starting place beside my podcast is I have a free quiz. It's called what's the best next step to improve your marriage? I highly recommend taking that. And the interesting thing is you might find out that your best next step is learning how to love and believe yourself and believe in yourself, because that is one of the three options. And then you'll get specific suggestions as to how to start doing that. Or maybe it's one of the other couple options and you'll get specific suggestions for that. So you can find that [e-mail] awesome.

[B]

Well, thank you Hannah. It's been an absolute pleasure to be here with you and thank you for sharing everything that you've shared with us today.

[C]

Yes, thank you so much, Todd. It's been wonderful to talk today.

[A]

Great.

[B]

The feeling I'm left with today is.

[A]

That we are not powerless in our relationships. If we can recognize how our own wounds factor into the relationship issues and look for ways we can heal ourselves, sometimes that's all that is needed for a relationship to start working again. In this episode we looked at the hidden emotional wound that keeps many HSPs stuck in cycles of hurt and disconnection is a deep belief that we are not lovable, that we're not enough, or that we're fundamentally flawed. We also looked at how this shows up in subtle patterns like people pleasing resentment and emotional shutdown. And as a result, we can often misinterpret a partner's behavior through our own care, distortion lenses, missing the love that is actually there. And we also look at a healing path forward on how to feel truly loved by your partner and by yourself. And I love some of these ideas of just soaking in moments of love, like with a pet or a memory or a connection, just for 30 seconds and rewiring your emotional baseline or asking yourself, where is there love in this? Genuinely asking that can be a powerful way to challenge the distorted perceptions that.

[B]

We often are looking through.

[A]

So thank you for listening. It's always great to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Join me next time for Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the.

[B]

Path towards inner freedom.

[A]

Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once? Take the HSP stress [e-mail] you'll also find a link in the show notes. The test will reveal your unique sensitivity profile, including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, emotions, social energy and more. You'll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity. Take the HSP Stress Test now. It's a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom. Sam.