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By the end of this episode, you'll discover how to balance two opposite needs as a highly sensitive person. The need for deep connection and the need for restorative solitude. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I'm your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I'm a highly sensitive person myself. In this episode, you'll discover what makes alone time feel peaceful one day and hollow the next. Why connection can feel beautiful until it suddenly becomes too much, and the surprising inner shift that helps you feel safe in both closeness and space. Welcome to this edition of Self Compassion Wednesdays, where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people by exploring the unique traits that shape our experience. You finally get a quiet Saturday to yourself. No plans, no one needing anything from you. One weekend and it feels like heaven. Maybe light a candle, make your tea, feel your whole body and your whole system. Exhale. The stillness feels nourishing and you start to feel like you again. But then next time you have this chance, maybe it's the same exact setup. Same. You've got a Saturday, you've got all the time, but it doesn't land the same way. Maybe the silence doesn't feel that quiet and you find yourself checking your phone or opening the fridge or feeling unsettled. It's not the alone time itself that changed, it's how you're coming into it. So what makes the difference? In one case you're feeling that all is well, you just need some rest and now you're going to get it so perfect. In the other case, all is not well and I also need rest. And so there's this unsettledness that somehow actually ironically prevents you from getting rest in that situation. And the difference I'd like to point to here is that in one situation I'm connected with myself and I'm kind of relaxed already in a way going into that weekend. In the other situation, I'm not so connected with myself. I'm wishing something was different before I can relax. And this is getting in the way of having good alone time that is truly restorative. So how do you overcome this kind of disconnection when it happens? One powerful way that I love to do is to question my stressful thoughts. I use a method called the work of Byron Katie, and it's a way to notice what is bothering me, what is still where am I still wishing something was different? What am I still needing to have completed or changed or resolved in order for me to rest? And that stress is the starting point of the inner work that I do when I question my stressful thoughts. And when I do question my stressful thoughts, my attachment to them tends to melt away. And with that, the stress tends to melt away and then I can enjoy that quiet. Another powerful way to overcome this kind of disconnection with yourself is, is to transcend your busy mind. And by that I mean meditation. Using a technique to dive beneath the waves and find calm even when the storm is raging on the surface, always quiet at the bed of the ocean, it's always quiet in the depth. And so if you have a technique that allows you to easily settle and go beneath the surface, even when it's still turbulent up above, this can allow you to connect with yourself. I personally use Transcendental meditation. I've been doing it for about 50 years. And it's very effective for allowing me to just do what it says, transcend that busy mind and come to a place of deeper connection with myself. So what about when we also need connection with other people? This is also an HSP need where we are into depth. Whether it's depth of connection with ourself and that need for alone time to do that, or whether it's depth of connection with other people and the fulfillment that can come from true resonance and communication and meeting another person on a deep level. So imagine now that you have two, let's say two zoom meetings this week. It's the same person, same topic, same length of time, but they feel completely different. In the first meeting, you've been, say, for the last few days living in relative balance and you've had space to rest and you've stayed connected to what matters for you. And you're doing your inner work and you're digesting emotions instead of suppressing them. And there's a kind of quiet steadiness in you and that carries into the conversation. And so you listen with clarity, you speak without over explaining, you sense the other person's emotions, but you don't lose your center and the connection feels grounded and mutual and nourishing. In the second meeting, let's say it's the same exact person and topic. But imagine now that for the last few days your inner world has been in overdrive. Maybe just too many yeses or not enough restoration or even people pleasing or over functioning or pushing past your limits under the surface, you're tired and that is taking a toll on you. But you may also be pretending that you're fine, which adds another layer of strain. So in the same meeting, in this kind of meeting, same person, this time you're hyper aware and maybe you're over processing everything and maybe you're wondering if you're being too much or you're trying to stay open but you're feeling flooded. And then you leave the call with that familiar ache. Not from what was said, but from the way you lost yourself in the trying and the way that you felt like you didn't get the connection that you were hoping for when you met. The difference wasn't the person, it was your state. One meeting came from a full cup, the other from depletion, one from inner alignment, the other from disconnection. This is why connection can be beautiful one day and overwhelming the next. Because how connected you feel with someone else depends on how connected you are with yourself. So once again, how do you become more connected with yourself so that you can have better connections with others? One is balanced daily routine. If you ignore routine, then you lose connection with yourself. As a highly sensitive person, you can't get away with what other people get away with. So having some structure in your life, having some routines, having some, some like structure built around you is super helpful. It's like, you know, you think of a snail, it, it has a shell that it carries with it because it's a very exposed little animal if it doesn't have that little bit of hard protection around it. So, so a routine allows you to flourish because you are protected by it. Another thing of course, which I've already mentioned, is questioning your stressful thoughts. Process the stresses as they come up so that you can show up freer. I like to do the work of Byron Katie on a daily basis so that I just process something every day and it just leaves leads to this more open feeling and more bandwidth. And then again, I already mentioned meditation. Doing that on a daily basis is one of those things that just supports in such a profound way if you're a highly sensitive person. So as HSPs we need alone time. But being alone is not always enough. It's a start, it's good. But being deeply connected with myself on the inner level is what allows for true recuperation. And as HSPs, we also need connection with others and we need that to be deep and meaningful. But depth of connection can only be had if we're deeply connected with ourselves. So these two needs for connection with others and alone time are both essential. I like to think them as, like just a matched pair, like inhaling and exhaling. I need to inhale. That's alone time. I need to exhale, I need to connect with others, and then I need alone time. I need to inhale, and then I need being with others, exhaling. And both of those are necessary in some sort of balance or rhythm to allow me to stay at my optimal level. The difference between loneliness and being peacefully alone is one thing. It's inner settledness. If I can be settled, if there's anything getting in the way of my settledness, that's going to get in the way of me feeling peaceful when I'm alone, and when I'm not peaceful when I'm alone, that's when I feel lonely. Because then I think, oh, I can't be peaceful alone. Maybe I'll go try to connect with someone else so that I can feel peaceful in that way. But the problem is not the aloneness or being alone or being with other people. It's the lack of settledness inside. The lack of connection deeper inside. The difference between a draining connection on the outside, if you look at it from that side, and a fulfilling connection is also the same thing. Inner settledness, if I am unsettled within myself, I go and visit a friend and I get very little out of it. Doesn't feel fulfilling. And then I think, oh, you know what? I need more alone time, because that's where I'll finally get more connected. But it's the same thing. I'm looking for some. I'm looking for peace on the outside, when actually peace is only found on the inside. Whether you're alone or you're with people, it's how settled you are on the inside that makes the difference. So I invite you to make inner settledness a priority in your life. This is really an essential for highly sensitive people. And this can be done primarily through three ways. Through balanced routines, through inner work, and through meditation. It's like a glass of water. If you have water and it has, like, some say, some sediment in it, if it's shaken up all the time, that water will be cloudy, kind of muddy. But if you have ways of giving it chance to settle, then that. That will go to the bottom and you'll be able to see clearly again. So there has to be a way of routinely not only settling the mud, but also purifying the water so there's less and less mud in the water. So the feeling I'm left with today is that peace depends on how connected I feel with myself. This is what makes alone time peaceful, and this is what makes connection with others peaceful. And when this element is missing, I need to go and find it again instead of leaving it to chance. In this episode, we looked at what makes alone time feel peaceful one day and hollow the next, which is my own feeling of connection or disconnection with myself. Why? Connection can feel beautiful with another person until suddenly it becomes too much again. If my own connection with myself is missing, no surprise. And then finally we looked at the inner shift that helps you feel safe in both closeness and space. And that is that it's not the situation, but my inner state that makes all the difference. So thank you for listening. It's always great to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Join me next time for Strategy Fridays, where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person. Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once? Take the HSP stress test@truinnerfreedom.com you'll also find a link in the show notes. The test will reveal your unique sensitivity profile, including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, circulation, emotions, social energy and more. You'll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity. Take the HSP Stress Test now. It's a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom.