Ep 13: Strike Force Five Returns to Celebrate Stephen Colbert

Summary

Strike Force Five: Ep 13 – Returns to Celebrate Stephen Colbert

Date: May 13, 2026
Participants: Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers, John Oliver, Evie Colbert

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Episode Overview

In this special reunion of the Strike Force Five podcast, the late-night legends celebrate Stephen Colbert as he nears the end of his tenure on The Late Show. The episode is packed with behind-the-scenes banter, reflections on legacy, stories about life in late night, and a “Strike Force Wives” game, providing fans a candid, humorous, and occasionally poignant look at the camaraderie and rivalry that defines their unique corner of show business.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Value of Young Talent and Legacy

• Stephen Colbert opens with reflections on watching young staff members grow, sharing how a producer joined straight from college and is now a 21-year veteran ([00:00]).
• He observes how their show world is “not really show business,” more its own crossroads ([00:26]).

2. Retirement, Aging, and Hanging Out with Young People

• The hosts exchange stories about the unlikelihood of socializing with younger people after retiring, referencing Steve Martin’s insights ([00:30]).
• John Oliver quips, “You're only hanging out with young people because you have this job” ([00:35]).

3. Emotional Farewells and Remaining Shows

• As Colbert approaches his final tapings, he describes the emotional weight:

  “The rising tide of emotion has reached my chin. And now the only thing to do is take a deep breath and swim like hell to May 21st.” – Stephen Colbert ([02:20])

• He shares, “Emotional exchanges I tend to have after the show. Cause there's no use to having human emotions during the day,” echoing the mentality of performing under pressure ([02:37]).

4. The Show Must Go On – Even When Near Death

• Colbert recalls performing with a burst appendix:

  “My appendix burst. And I did two shows… in commercial breaks, my producers would stand between me and the audience so I could weep…” ([03:43])

  • His dedication sets a new bar for his staff’s sick days.
• The group jokes about morphine and vices in retirement ([05:04]).

5. Life After Late Night: Ambiguity, Offers, and Drinking Aspirations

• Colbert admits he doesn't know what's next; his entire focus is on finishing the show well. Offers to do “the Stephen Colbert business” amuse rather than entice him ([06:04]).
• Despite plans to drink in retirement, Colbert laments, “I'm in 61 now, and I have one drink, and the next night I'm a wreck” ([05:25]).

6. What's Next Logistically: Family, Layoffs, and Studio Turnover

• Colbert will immediately transition into family events post-finale (son's graduation, brother's wedding), and staff will have to clear out of the building quickly ([07:56]).
• The fate of Colbert’s memorabilia and set echoes Letterman’s rapid post-finale purge ([08:22]).

7. Stories About Writer Room Hazings and Dress Code Faux Pas

• The hosts recount how comedy writers mercilessly mock coworkers with bad haircuts or questionable outfits (e.g., tank tops or toe-separating shoes), emphasizing the brutal but loving comedy culture ([13:47]).

8. Favorite Guests and Most Awkward Moments

• Colbert shares his “we'll see about that…” retort to Obama and stories of being starstruck by guests like Michelle Williams, Rachel Weisz, and Rebecca Ferguson ([21:04]).
• He admits to never blacklisting many guests, except one ex-Bush staffer who was overly cautious live but open off-camera about political opinions ([19:17]).

9. Colbert’s Quirky Hobbies (and Abandonment Thereof)

• Colbert’s failures at tap dance and arm wrestling lessons are fondly mocked; he self-diagnoses ADHD after sharing his unfinished boat-building project ([24:44]), leading to gentle ribbing from the group about project abandonments.

10. Strike Force Wives Game – Knowing Your Spouse

• Evie Colbert quizzed the hosts and their spouses on birthday wishes, daily routines, and reasons for falling in love. Highlights:
  • Most of the men guessed their gifts/daily habits with little accuracy, leading to running jokes about their advanced “old lady” tastes (quilts, marmalade, brooches) ([40:51]).
  • The final question about why their wives love them closes with Evie’s touching answer for Stephen, noting his crow’s feet “from all the laughter” when they met ([45:05]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Performing Through Pain

  “The show wants to happen and I wanna be part of the show.” – Stephen Colbert ([03:05])

• On Not Taking Sick Days

  “Doing two shows with a burst appendix is no one on your staff can call in sick ever again.” – Jimmy Kimmel ([04:16])

• On Retirement Plans

  “I've gotten so bad at [drinking]... one drink, and the next night I'm a wreck.” – Stephen Colbert ([05:25])

• On Comedian Culture

  “No one gets ridden harder than a comedian in a room with other comedians.” – Stephen Colbert ([14:55])

• On Being Starstruck

  “I did not expect to be wildly attracted to... Michelle Williams. I didn’t know what to do with my eyeballs.” – Stephen Colbert ([20:35])

• On Spousal Love

  “He had already laughed so much in his life that he had crow’s feet around his eyes. I thought, anyone who smiles and laughs that much has got to be fun to share the ride with. He’s still the same, just with deeper lines now.” – Evie Colbert ([45:05])

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Important Segment Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |-------------|--------------------------------------------------| | 00:00–02:20 | Colbert on young talent, show business crossroads | | 02:31–04:54 | Emotional weight of last shows; performing sick | | 05:25–06:34 | Retirement vices, uncertainty about the future | | 07:56–08:59 | Post-final episode logistics | | 13:32–15:18 | Jokes about dress codes and workplace hazing | | 19:05–20:24 | Guests not to invite back, blacklisting reasons | | 21:04–22:11 | Starstruck by guests, "hall pass" stories | | 24:44–25:52 | Colbert's unfinished boat project | | 35:24–46:26 | "Strike Force Wives" quiz game | | 45:05 | Evie’s answer on why she fell in love with Stephen | | 46:54–47:12 | Podcast farewell, T-shirt sales, and closing words |

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Tone and Style

• The conversation is warm and self-deprecating, filled with close camaraderie, gentle accusation, and running inside jokes about late night, aging, and marital misadventures.
• The hosts maintain their characteristic quick wit, with plenty of playful ribbing and affection underneath the sarcasm.

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Additional Highlights

• Charity Drive:
  The episode spotlights World Central Kitchen as the beneficiary of ongoing Strike Force Five (and sponsor) fundraising efforts ([01:28], [46:26]).
• Podcast Merch:
  The hosts mention the popularity of their “Strike Force 5” and “The Last Show” T-shirts, encouraging listeners to support by purchasing merchandise ([46:09], [46:26]).

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Conclusion

This reunion episode—equal parts comedy roast, sentimental farewell, and marital game show—showcases the enduring relationships between America’s late-night hosts. As Colbert prepares to step down, the group’s mix of heart, humor, and behind-the-scenes storytelling provides fitting tribute to both his legacy and the friendships that have defined an era of television.

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If you want to revisit specific stories or jokes, use the provided timestamps for quick navigation. For fans (or newcomers) to Strike Force Five, this episode offers a quintessential slice of late night camaraderie, with extra love for Colbert as he prepares to say goodbye.

Transcript

[Stephen Colbert]

I think one of the things I want to miss most is young people who are good at their jobs and who you met and they were first out of college or something like that. Like, I was talking to one of my producers the other day. He's worked for me for 21 years, and he started working for me when he was 21.

[Seth Meyers]

Unbelievable.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jesus. And he's great. He's great, but he has no idea what the rest of the business is like. He doesn't realize that this is not show business. He's actually. He spent 21 years and almost entirely, but not completely not in show business.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

So you're a crossroads of show business. We aren't like show business.

[John Oliver]

Lauren once told me that Steve Marcus.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Steve Martin said to him, when he was like, he goes, Steve was like, you know, if you retire, you know, you don't hang out with young people anymore. He's like, it's just people my age. It's like, that's it. Like, he goes, you only hang out with young people because you have this job. Like, you're not having dinner on Tuesday

[Stephen Colbert]

with, like, a bunch of 30 year olds.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So here we are, guys.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're very close to that.

[John Oliver]

Here we are.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

This is unlucky, episode 13 of Strike 45.

[John Oliver]

At least we know what the bad luck is.

[Evie Colbert]

Okay.

[John Oliver]

Oh, rolling.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

All right, well, we got Jimmy Fallon, we got John Oliver. We've got Seth Meyers. I'm Jimmy Kimmel. And the man of the hour, Mr. Stephen Colbert.

[Evie Colbert]

Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you very much.

[Evie Colbert]

Thank you very much.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And also before we begin, I want to thank our sponsor, Mint Mobile, who has made a sizable donation to World Central Kitchen, Stephen's preferred charity. He's been raising money for World Central Kitchen over the last couple of months, auctioning off the items, and you can still.

[Stephen Colbert]

What do you think went for the most? What do you think went for the most?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Tickets to your last show?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yep.

[Seth Meyers]

How much?

[Stephen Colbert]

$110,000. Two tickets.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How are you feeling right now? What are we right now?

[John Oliver]

We are.

[Stephen Colbert]

You and I, we were all on the eighth to last. Like, in other words, we had eight more shows. Now we have seven more shows.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Jeez. Seven more shows.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Is it sinking in? Has it sunk in?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Super real. Yeah. Like, it sunk all the way. It's sunk all. Yeah. I have sunken into it, actually, by the way, that's.

[John Oliver]

If you'd have been like, no. And we like, so.

[Stephen Colbert]

No. What I've said is that the emotion has. The rising tide of emotion has reached my chin. And now the only thing to do is take a deep breath and swim like hell to May 21st.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Have the emotional exchanges you've had with your staff made it more difficult to put the show on every night.

[Stephen Colbert]

I would say the emotion, not the emotional exchanges. The emotional exchanges I tend to have after the show. Cause there's no use to having human emotions during the day.

[Seth Meyers]

Thank you. I've said that all the time. All you gotta do is just push that beyond the work process. You can shut shit down and just barrel to the grave.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I got a switch I can flip in my heart and I could watch any of you die slowly. And I go, that's fascinating. That's what I'm talking about.

[John Oliver]

And you bring that work energy home.

[Stephen Colbert]

I didn't think he was capable of screaming that high. Yes, no, I do have a switch. No, I do actually have a switch I can turn off. Like I've had to do the show when shitty things have happened in my life. Because you gotta do the show. That's. I mean, I'm a big fan of the show must go on. Not because the show must go on, like there's some contract or some sword over my head, but because that's what I do shows. And the show's gonna. The show wants to happen and I wanna be part of the show so that. That kinda gets you through it.

[Seth Meyers]

You did literally do a show while your body was trying to kill you as well.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, I was dying. I was dying. I was being poisoned. My body was filling up with bile from my birth appendix.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah, that's true.

[Stephen Colbert]

That did happen.

[Seth Meyers]

That did happen.

[Stephen Colbert]

That did happen. My appendix burst. And I did two shows. Actually, it was a two show night. I did two shows and when the. In commercial breaks, my producers would stand between me and the audience so I could weep. Without seeing you, without being seen by the audience. That's never a good sign. The audience doesn't feel like laughing much because they care about. That's one of the things they care about, how we feel.

[Seth Meyers]

They do.

[Stephen Colbert]

If you, like, look sick or hurt, it doesn't help. No.

[John Oliver]

And yours audibly burst. It was like a. It was a very loud sound.

[Stephen Colbert]

I remember like that. It was kind of funny.

[Seth Meyers]

Sounds funny.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was comedy.

[Evie Colbert]

You gotta laugh. It was a funny appendix.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know the best thing about that, doing two shows with a burst appendix is no one on your staff can call in sick ever again.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Never.

[Seth Meyers]

I feel bad, really.

[Stephen Colbert]

My first appendix bad. I think Danello would.

[Seth Meyers]

Danello still would bit Of a headache. Yeah. Not dying. Not actively dying, though.

[Stephen Colbert]

Little tickle on the throat. Yeah.

[Seth Meyers]

That must be tough.

[Stephen Colbert]

Kind of little tickle on the throat. Evie kept on, said, you're going to go to the hospital. I'm like, I'm just going to go home. I'm just going to go home. I couldn't stop shaking. I had what's called rigors, which is a shake you get from blood poisoning, where every muscle in your body starts twitching and you have no control over it. And what you want is not to reach your diaphragm.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

So I just got to go to sleep. And she's like, you're going to go to the hospital. And I said, no, I was coming home. And then I pulled up in front of a hospital because she called my driver. I goes, just take me to the hospital. And she met me there, and they gave me morphine. It's the best. And I don't like. Not as a lifestyle, but it was worth having her appendix burst just to know.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Do you think you'll do more morphine now that you're essentially out of work?

[Stephen Colbert]

I will tell you something else. This is semi serious, is that I had big plans to drink a lot.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh.

[Stephen Colbert]

When I. Whenever I retired, you know, whenever I wasn't on this, like, train that we're on every day, I've gotten so bad at it. I'm in 61 now, and I have one drink, and the next night I'm a wreck. I thought I'd get better as I got older.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Much worse drugs are coming back with

[Seth Meyers]

morphine is you don't have that long hangover. I don't want to tell you how

[Stephen Colbert]

to live your life, Especially if the next day you take a little more morphine.

[John Oliver]

That's right.

[Seth Meyers]

Now, I should say there is. Morphine's a sponsor. They're giving $10,000 to World Central Mint Morphine. Delicious.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, delicious.

[Evie Colbert]

But are you. Are you tired of yourself, of people asking you questions?

[Stephen Colbert]

The past couple months, a little bit. Like a college senior.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Like.

[Stephen Colbert]

So what do you got lined up? Yep. What are you doing? I'm doing Teach for America. Yeah, A lot of stuff. I'm like, I don't know. This show takes all of my mind, like, 95% of my mind every day to do this show until it's over. I don't really know. I've gone into. I've had meetings, Like, I've had some really nice meetings with people. Like, we want to be in the Steve Goldberg business. They're like, that's Wonderful. What is that? Could you tell me, please, do you want to do the Late show on CBS at the Ed Sulphony Theater? Because that's the business I'm in.

[John Oliver]

And you think those are probably paid actors that Babydoll hired to make you

[Seth Meyers]

feel a little bit better?

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Or Evie. I don't want to ask which one.

[Seth Meyers]

That sounds like a cartoon stereotype. Were they chomping on a cigar at the time? We want to be in the Stephen Colbert. He's buying it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

I would say doing this all together is very nice and really speaks to the diversity of the podcast.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes. Yeah, for sure.

[John Oliver]

I think the video like that and just the suits and this table.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

John, you're the white guy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, yeah.

[Seth Meyers]

I mean, I'm certainly the whitest guy.

[John Oliver]

Very much the madman. This is the madman.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Irish.

[Evie Colbert]

Heaven's Conference.

[Stephen Colbert]

German. Irish. Yeah. I like Eastern European. Eastern European.

[Seth Meyers]

German. Eastern European. The Germans really thought more of that, sort of.

[John Oliver]

I'll say. Let's just say not German.

[Seth Meyers]

So much of Eastern Europe had to be so clear about that. Did not the German part. Yeah. English, English. English to the bone.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Italian, Irish.

[Stephen Colbert]

Italian, Irish, Irish.

[Evie Colbert]

There you go.

[John Oliver]

My ancestors, when you said German, were like, oh, that would have made things a lot easier.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Stephen, what's your plan for Monday after you're done?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's Memorial Day. The weekend. That weekend. My son graduates College on the 18th or the 19th. What's Monday? The 19th? 19th. No, 18th. My son graduates college on the 18th. My show ends on the 21st. My brother gets married on the 23rd.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

So I'm kind of sandwiched between things that are, like, a little more important, like, you know, a little perspective and. And then we come back, I'm cleaning out in the office. Like, you know, I just gotta. We gotta get our shit outta here. Like, we're all like, no one's got a job after that night. I think the next day everyone's fired. Like, I don't think.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, really?

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't think there's. I think maybe the crew has some time to clear out, like the studio, but the staff all has to be gone. I think that.

[Evie Colbert]

Well, that was the scene with Letterman too, right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, Letterman. Literally, the next day, they torched out.

[Seth Meyers]

They threw his shit outside.

[Stephen Colbert]

They threw stuff. He's on Thursday. But no, we all have to be out by the next Friday.

[Evie Colbert]

He left. He went busy outside and saw going in the dumpster from his set.

[John Oliver]

It's cool. They learned a lesson from that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You have to be out in one week's.

[Seth Meyers]

Time of the whole building.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think the set has longer or the crew has time to wrap, but I think they're gonna start tearing shit out immediately. I know my staff is not paid. The next day they're out. And then. And so I'm already packed. I've already packed my office.

[John Oliver]

And this is gonna be a Steven Halloween. This building. No, I think it's.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think he's.

[John Oliver]

Stephen Halloween spirit is doing this.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah, spirit.

[Stephen Colbert]

Spirit is actually moving in.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh, my gosh.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's gonna be a hanger. They're gonna stack the planes on the stage.

[John Oliver]

It's spirit Halloween where the airplanes dress up like other airlines.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh, I actually love that.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's pretty good. It's a sexy thing.

[Evie Colbert]

But this will talk a lot about you for this Strike Force Five.

[Stephen Colbert]

Couldn't we talk about something more interesting episode.

[Evie Colbert]

And also the special edition of Strike Force Wives are coming back.

[John Oliver]

Oh, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

A prequel.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah. Okay. So I will say Kate walked in just before I came. Jimmy texted me, and I think I got it right. And it was that same feeling of mother.

[Evie Colbert]

No, no, this one's much better.

[Seth Meyers]

Okay.

[Evie Colbert]

I think.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah. I would say you were really confident last time to be fair, but this

[Evie Colbert]

is everyone's why I asked. Because the one thing we all have in common with. So I got. I asked.

[John Oliver]

Nobody thinks the problem is the wives.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Nobody thinks that's the problem. Not the problem.

[John Oliver]

What went wrong or anything.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think Evie might be part of the problem.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's not even the host.

[Evie Colbert]

It's the producer.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm going to throw my.

[John Oliver]

You actually host it really well. You just produced it terribly.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah, this one.

[Evie Colbert]

I think I nailed it.

[Seth Meyers]

Who am I talking to now? The producer or the host?

[Evie Colbert]

Who'd you think I was giving you a producer? But yeah, I was the host. The wink.

[Seth Meyers]

I want to talk to producer and ask him if he wants to be in the Stephen Colbert business. What is that? What is this?

[Evie Colbert]

That's a must have.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

But like, in this. In this day and age, I think when the mustache shows up, you know it's a fake thing.

[Seth Meyers]

We only ever did that for Hitler. You do that. That's.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, no.

[John Oliver]

This is a fake mustache. Do you really. This is Hitler.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

This is Hitler.

[John Oliver]

Oh, the finger's too long.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, that is Hitler.

[Seth Meyers]

That's what ki's.

[John Oliver]

Hitler.

[Seth Meyers]

I'm like, no, no, no.

[John Oliver]

Straight, no. That's me doing my dad.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It makes no sense. But if you. And it's funny.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

When my. When my daughter was a little girl, we'd Be in some place, and I was just beginning to get famous. She'd see some people noticing me, and she'd reach up and she'd put her finger up there. She goes, okay, dad. You're okay now. No one recognizes. God, your upper lip is cold. Sorry, bud.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Really, do you have a cold?

[Stephen Colbert]

Upper lips, Upper lip.

[Evie Colbert]

He ices it after.

[Stephen Colbert]

Or else it swells up.

[Evie Colbert]

Swells up.

[Stephen Colbert]

Swells up.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, I had some work done and. So.

[Seth Meyers]

Still swelling?

[John Oliver]

Well, no. They say if it gets over 55 degrees, the whole face just starts to set. Just.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just shears off like a calving glacier.

[Evie Colbert]

Are you adding a ring every year?

[John Oliver]

No, that's like one of those aura rings.

[Stephen Colbert]

Aura rings? Yeah.

[Seth Meyers]

But you did work for yourself, and I'm happy that you're happy with it.

[John Oliver]

What's that? Yeah, I did all the work. I did all my facial work myself.

[Evie Colbert]

Wait, you're supposed to put the ring on your finger.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I put mine on my penis. Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh, you too. Okay.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

My blood pressure through the roof.

[John Oliver]

I mean, I feel like that's a great joke you just made about yourself.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know what Seth did?

[Seth Meyers]

I'd love to hear the Oura rings reading. Just people watching.

[John Oliver]

This is Jimmy Said. Oh, you put that on your face finger.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know what Seth did earlier in the dressing room that I feel like is particular only to hosts of shows.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We started talking about something we didn't want other people to hear, and we weren't even miked. Reflexively, Seth, almost like Pledge of Allegiance to cover his.

[John Oliver]

Where my mic would have been.

[Stephen Colbert]

I will do that when I'm not in a theater, not at a studio. I'm at a wedding or something. I'll go. I'll tell you what.

[Seth Meyers]

Yep.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Do it all the time.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You cover. Yeah. And by the way, each time we do it, we're not being heard, probably, but.

[John Oliver]

Oh, yeah, that's true. That's good. We should stop doing it, by the way. The funny thing would be if you heard it great. So it turned out all this time

[Stephen Colbert]

it hadn't been working. I think you do hear it great because it's hearing it through your chest.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Seth was saying some very racist things, and he just put his hand right on.

[Evie Colbert]

And I knew to cover shows patriotism.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

To shows patriotism.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Seth Meyers]

It's so poor.

[John Oliver]

I don't trust Norwegians. Well, I don't want to get into it because that's. Obviously, I covered it, but I do feel like putting my hand over my heart makes people clear that I mean it from bottom.

[Evie Colbert]

I Talked about an audio guy's. He was wearing one of those shoes that separate the toes. You know those shoes?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

This guy kept doing some bit, and he came in to put the mic on, and then I go. I go, wow, Interesting. You're wearing the shoes. He goes, it's the best. He goes, it helped my back. I had back problems, and now I don't have. I go, huh? He goes, yeah, they're so comfy, and they're great. I warned my brother's wedding, and he left. I go, it probably ruined his brother's wedding wearing those ridiculous shoes and didn't help his back. I mean, give me a break.

[Seth Meyers]

This is the.

[Evie Colbert]

And my friend pointed at the microphones. I'm like, but they look not bad. And he's like. He was trying to draw backpedaling on a piece of paper. Like, backpedal, say something nice. I'm like, I totally got busted.

[Seth Meyers]

He might have met the most interesting human being on earth.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Seth Meyers]

Someone who wore those absolute horror show of shoes for their back.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm guessing he wasn't in the wedding party.

[Seth Meyers]

I would have loved to hear the sound slap as it comes up squishing. I remember when we were at the Daily Show, Isaac Manvey turned up one day where he was a correspondent, and I heard the slapping. Vorace saw the shoes. He walked to his office, and there was an immediate sense of the meeting has to stop. He has to physically take himself.

[Evie Colbert]

Get him out of the building, fucking

[Seth Meyers]

things off him right now.

[Evie Colbert]

Absolutely. And they peel them off to the

[Seth Meyers]

confidence to walk into a place where comedy writers are. With those on your feet and think that that's okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

No.

[Evie Colbert]

When you get a bad haircut, you can't go into the office with comedians. You go, I'm surrounded by comedians. I can't even do this as a goof. They're gonna.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's a lesson you shouldn't even have to learn.

[Seth Meyers]

That's right.

[John Oliver]

One of our writers, Mike Scollens, wore a tank top to work in the summer. And it's literally now every time we mention him on the show, the photo was him in the tank top.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Like, oh, yes, I've seen that.

[John Oliver]

Literally, it was like a writer's meeting day. And, like, just everybody was like, he didn't think. But what did you think?

[Evie Colbert]

He goes, well, I'm with my people. Everyone loves each other, and they'll take care of. I can wear a tank top to work.

[John Oliver]

They'll take care of me.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Seth Meyers]

There's no more permanent mistake than a mistake.

[Stephen Colbert]

In the. There is no. There's no. No one gets ridden harder than a comedian in a room with other comedians. The symbol we used to have for it at Second City, if someone did anything that was in any way mockable is that the rest of us would go like this. Go. Cause we were gonna ride them all down.

[Evie Colbert]

It's the rodeo.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What are you gonna do about your suits? Will you take them all?

[Stephen Colbert]

Originally, they said I couldn't have any of them.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

They did?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, originally they said I couldn't have any of my suits.

[Evie Colbert]

What?

[Stephen Colbert]

And then we said, well, we're just gonna sell them for charity. And they went, okay, you can do that. And then they said, all right, you can have your suits. So, I mean, I'm giving them away. Like, I'm giving away to a bunch of people. I'm trying to get my boys to come in and get fitted for some suits. Yeah, sure. And I got, like, 18 tuxedos at this point.

[Seth Meyers]

Really?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Cause I get a new tuxedo every time.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Let's have a nice party and we'll all wear your tuxedos.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, sure.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh, yeah, That's a great one. Do we know 18 people?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You can find people.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you have a lot of friends? No, I don't think so.

[Seth Meyers]

Jesus fucking cross.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's why I asked.

[Evie Colbert]

And now this is about.

[John Oliver]

Now, let's see what Nancy says.

[Evie Colbert]

I got, like, a handful of friends. Not that many.

[Seth Meyers]

I remember when your recent interview with President Obama, there was a small moment where I love it when I see the real dickish side of you come out, when he said, I've got an interesting story. And you said, we'll see about that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I've been waiting that. To say that to a guest.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, my God, forever.

[Stephen Colbert]

I've had that in my pocket. I say that to people on my staff all the time. They go, interesting story. And I go, we'll see. And I've been waiting to say that to a guest forever. And I couldn't believe it. We're walking down this row at his library of all the places. Like, that's the perfect spot. And I said, what's the. This. The actual clip was like, what's the Harken steak fry in Indianola, Iowa? He goes, interesting story. And I said, we'll see. And he loved it. That's what I like.

[Seth Meyers]

I just love.

[Stephen Colbert]

But I couldn't believe he just delivered that. My other favorite moment of that, when he goes, listen, he goes, look, I know when the day comes, and at my funeral, I hope whoever gives My eulogy will mention the values of whatever of our administration. I said I'll remember to mention. And it didn't register to him at all.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Wow, you do bad impressions of all the presidents.

[John Oliver]

Thank you very much.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you very much.

[Evie Colbert]

Was Jimmy Carter.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That was pretty.

[Stephen Colbert]

That was Carter. That was Carter right there before they dumped him in the incinerator.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Were you mad when

[Seth Meyers]

I was a little quick on that one?

[Stephen Colbert]

I sent in a picture for the people at home. I sent a picture of me wearing a the more I Jimmy, the better I feel. Which was the first T shirt.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

The first and only T shirt ever produced by abc.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right. By the way, you didn't remember all, like, for my birthday, you guys gave me all this. Like, I had all this. You gave it to me. All this memorabilia.

[Seth Meyers]

It was on behalf of both shows.

[Stephen Colbert]

But that shirt wasn't one of it.

[John Oliver]

No, mine was more arcana.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I was.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Delighted that they found that.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That was the last time I saw that shirt.

[Stephen Colbert]

I wear it to the beach and everything.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It was literally a photograph of a group of African villagers wearing shirts that said, the more I Jimmy, the better I feel. Like the super bowl loser T shirt they sent them.

[Evie Colbert]

They sent them. Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Somehow, young staffer got ahold of.

[John Oliver]

Feel better.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, I will say also, I think I mentioned this the first time. I was like, you understand there's another host named Jimmy on Late Night.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah, they're promoting me as well.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Didn't register at all.

[Seth Meyers]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was kind of generous, though. Cause I also felt very generous. Monai.

[Evie Colbert]

Jimmy. Yeah, thank you. I took credit for it as well.

[Seth Meyers]

I got a question for you. How many not who don't need to give me names. How many guests have you interviewed and then gone backstage to producer and said, never again. Never have the back. Just give me a number, not a name. And is it double figures?

[Stephen Colbert]

It's probably not double figures.

[Seth Meyers]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's probably not double figures. I mean, there's one immediately from the old show I can think of. I mean, altogether, who's got the most shows? You probably right. You've got the most shows.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Close to 4,000.

[Evie Colbert]

Jesus.

[Stephen Colbert]

I've got between the two shows, I'm 33 or 3,400. And so like, double that for guests, probably. And I had a guest on the old show, somebody who had left the Bush administration, and they were making a name for themselves out there as, like, truth teller. That was their thing. So they came on my show, and they couldn't have been more anodyne. They could not have been safer in all their answers. And as soon as the camera turned off, he goes, tell you what's fucked up about this guy. And he starts really laying it out. Why didn't you say that on camera? That's why you're here. He goes, well, I gotta get a job in this town. And I went, that's the first one that's ever said that person can never come back because they're not here to actually represent an idea or to be themselves. They're being politicians while they're supposedly talking frankly about politicians. It's mostly politicians, really. I don't really, like. I don't necessarily want to talk to, like, the second male lead on a sitcom, even though I probably was in Second City with him. But there's not many people who've truly disappointed me.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Okay.

[John Oliver]

Has there been.

[Stephen Colbert]

I always feel like I'm the pro. They're not the pro, and I should make this a good experience for them.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Has there been a guest who was so attractive that you found it distracting?

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll tell you who I did not expect to be wildly attracted to. Like, I didn't know what to do with myself is that I did not. Cause I don't. I don't. I like this person's work. But I never thought of them as, like, a bombshell. I could not. I didn't know what to do with my eyeballs. When Michelle Williams was on for the first time, she sat down across to me, and I went, what is wrong with my head? I cannot. I better not look directly at her. For this entire interview, there was something about her vibe, her face, everything. Have you interviewed her? Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

She's so beautiful. Let's see, who else. Who do I have trouble with? Like, are you still talking about beautiful people? Right. Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Okay.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I used to have a Rachel Weisz problem.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I've recovered.

[Seth Meyers]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

When Rachel Weisz would be on the Daily Show, I would leave the building for fear that I would say something stupid to her. Even though I feel like I was afraid I would stand in the hallway and go, hi. You know, like, you were great in the Constant.

[Evie Colbert]

I'm Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

You were great in the Constant Gardener.

[John Oliver]

Has it been weird to find out that this whole time you were her type based on who she was?

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll tell you a quick story about that.

[Evie Colbert]

You ready?

[Stephen Colbert]

We were going around the table once at dinner with some friends of mine, and these guys are going, like, so, who's your hall patch? Whatever.

[Evie Colbert]

Like that.

[Stephen Colbert]

And the guy next to me goes, Paulina Porizkova. And I. This was midway through the Colbert Report. I pulled up my phone, opened the People magazine app on phone, and I was Paulina Porizkova. Hall pass.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, my God.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's nice.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

That was a flex that I've never, ever been able to match on this guy. I'll tell you what. Who else is wildly attractive? Who is. You know, that Rebecca Ferguson.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

I will say, great interview. Great interview.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because she brings game.

[Seth Meyers]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

This is not a surprise. Evie knows all this.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Who is hers?

[Stephen Colbert]

Evie doesn't have a TV show.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, but she's seen the guests. Come here.

[Stephen Colbert]

Come walk through. Yeah, I think it's me. I think it's probably me. That's right. What are you saying, Jimmy?

[Seth Meyers]

What did she say? What are you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wait, wait. No. What the fuck are you saying? No, no, wait. What are you saying?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Who's Evie's Rachel Weisz.

[Stephen Colbert]

What? Why would she need one? She has me. I don't understand. I don't like the implications of this.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, this might be a good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Put the fucking cards down. What do you mean?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I didn't mean to make this a negative experience. We wanted this to be positive.

[Seth Meyers]

This is supposed to be your special day.

[Stephen Colbert]

Andrew Garfield.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Is it Andrew Garfield.

[Stephen Colbert]

He's so attractive. Have you not.

[Evie Colbert]

And you kissed him? Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

He kissed me.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And he kissed you or he kissed me. Did he do it hanging upside down dressed as Spider Man?

[Stephen Colbert]

No, but we did get our fingers tangled each other's hair. It was really nice.

[Evie Colbert]

Hey, we kissed tonight.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's true.

[Stephen Colbert]

You did. Yeah, I think I would have remembered that. How drunk was I? How drunk was I? You're my home path.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How many men have you kissed that you don't?

[Stephen Colbert]

I think it might be. It might be Daniel Craig. Speaking of Rachel Weisz for Eddie, it might be Daniel Craig.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Evie Colbert]

He's a stud.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right. Have you guys ever arm wrestled a guest? No.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

I've arm wrestled him and Krasinski and Josh Brolin. Big guys.

[John Oliver]

What's your record?

[Stephen Colbert]

Zip and 10.

[John Oliver]

Zip and 10 choices.

[Stephen Colbert]

I even. Well, because

[Evie Colbert]

McLovin. You should have challenged McLovin to arm wrestling.

[Stephen Colbert]

What'd you say? Oh, McLove.

[Evie Colbert]

Christopher.

[Stephen Colbert]

I thought. I thought you said make love would be a challenge. You guys ever make love to Daniel Craig? Yeah, I've done Krasinski and I've done Brolin.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Where did you take zero arm wrestling lessons at one point?

[Stephen Colbert]

I did. I took arm wrestling lessons to chat. Because when Krasinski was back on, I wanted to beat him. So I started, like, working out, and I actually went to, like, one of these, like, professional guys because there are tricks to win. It's not all just force. And I lost the least. You lost time.

[Seth Meyers]

Congrats.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You also, as I recall, were taking dance lessons during the strike.

[Stephen Colbert]

During the strike, I was taking tap dancing lessons.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You took how many?

[Stephen Colbert]

Three.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Three. And you gave up?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

So I'm more and more worried about how you're gonna handle retirement.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Just finding out that you have, like, you just, like, hobbies that you quit.

[Evie Colbert]

Arm wrestling, tap dancing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Taking up hobbies briefly and then abandoning.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think I might be, like, adult adhd. I think that might be it. I get very enthusiastic about things. I have a boat that I'm building in my basement. It's like one of those.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What is going on with that?

[Stephen Colbert]

There's a boat that comes in a kit.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Noah's arm. And you're building an ark. You're building an ark.

[John Oliver]

Did Noah do it in his basement?

[Stephen Colbert]

He did.

[Evie Colbert]

Yes, he did.

[Stephen Colbert]

And the cupid kit. And I'm two hours into it, and it's a 200 hour project, and I just don't have now. I mean, starting May 22nd. I'm all in.

[John Oliver]

Will you promise to get us on the day that you finish and realize it's too big to get out of the basement?

[Seth Meyers]

That's the day.

[John Oliver]

That's what we want to be there. Does that.

[Evie Colbert]

Like, the weirdest thing is it's an inflatable route.

[Seth Meyers]

We'll each turn up in one of your tuxedos to smash a bottle of wine against a boat that will never leave.

[Stephen Colbert]

I want you to know how long I've been thinking about this boat. Is that when we renovated this house in 2008, I measured the doors and said, we have to get wider doors because I'm going to build a boat down here, and I need to be able to get it out so it will come out. What?

[Seth Meyers]

No, it won't. You'll never finish that book.

[Stephen Colbert]

Not with that attitude.

[John Oliver]

I don't think his attitude's gonna affect it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, it will, because I'll be hearing it in my head. All I'll be hearing is his. Like, you're doing a terrible job. You're doing a terrible job.

[Seth Meyers]

It's futile, Stephen.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Tap dancing, arm wrestling.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Bonus are the things you're giving up.

[John Oliver]

What else can't he finish?

[Seth Meyers]

You can't make ramen either, can you?

[John Oliver]

Should we do our commercials? Yeah, let's do some commercials.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And now the word from Our beloved sponsor, Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile was the original sponsor of Strike Force 5.

[Evie Colbert]

That's true.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

They believed in us when we were just a bunch of weird, sad, unemployed talk show hosts. No one knew what we were doing. But they took a leap. They sponsored all 12 episodes of our shows. All the money went to our out of work staff and they gave everyone who works on our show, Mint Mobile service for free. At the time, Mint Mobile was famously owned by our friend Ryan Reynolds, who recorded all their commercials for each of our episodes. And while Mint is back and giving all the money to a great cause again, World Central Kitchen. Ryan himself was too busy to record a commercial for this, but he did have time to send what in the podcast industry is called a live read ad script that he specifically requested be read by our man of the hour, Stephen Colbert. So, Stephen, if you would take it

[Stephen Colbert]

away, are you recently out of a job or. Will be on May 22. Well, good news. Mint Mobile is still $15 a month for premium wireless. And it's on T Mobile's 5G network. So you know, it's as reliable as a pair of pants sewn in the 1940s when craftsmanship actually meant something. Plus, you can keep your phone. Unless your phone belongs to your television network, they're going to want it back. Either way, signing up is easy. All you need to do is go to mintmobile.com strikeforce then whisper your darkest secret into a sesame bagel and toss it off the Brooklyn Brid. You don't actually have to do the second thing, but it'll make the Seagulls happy. Mint Mobile upfront payment of $45 for three month. 5 gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. And now back to Strikeforce 5.

[John Oliver]

I mean, I don't know if I've ever heard anybody do Ryan Reynolds. That was really good.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I think we figured out what you're gonna be doing next.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know, it's like Shakespeare let it.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, because I mean, compared to the Obama from earlier, I mean, I didn't know you had it in you.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

The Ryan Reynolds experience in Las Vegas.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, my God, that'd be fun. Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. Like, Steven comes out and does like Best of Deadpool.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll be in Deadpool.

[Evie Colbert]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Seth Meyers]

Of course.

[Stephen Colbert]

Actually, if we do it, if someone else is like, who has a physique is Deadpool. I could just stay backstage with our mike.

[John Oliver]

That's true.

[Stephen Colbert]

And talk through Deadpool, no one will even know. Yeah, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

And like wizard of Oz where they pulled the print and they go, Stephen Colbert, Like a surprise.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yep. There's only a. The more I, Jimmy, the better I feel.

[Seth Meyers]

T shirt.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's it.

[Stephen Colbert]

And nothing else. This is Vegas, baby.

[Seth Meyers]

That's the important thing. Nothing else.

[Stephen Colbert]

This is Vegas, baby. Would you guys feel comfortable naked?

[John Oliver]

You would.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cause you're fit.

[John Oliver]

But no, you wouldn't feel comfortable naked. Like. But where? Like, it all feels like a key question.

[Stephen Colbert]

When I was 19.

[John Oliver]

Okay, okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

When I was 19, I was in Italy and I was working on the Spoleto Festival and the director, Ken Russell was directing Madame Butterfly. And they wanted someone to come on at the top of. And it was set in Nagasaki in a real. Like a brothel, not like a geisha house. And very Ken Russell and I had to walk out at the top. They wanted somebody to walk out across stage to be trying to leave the brothel without paying the prostitutes at the top while the music's going.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, so. And what I didn't know was they wanted me to do it nude.

[John Oliver]

Uh huh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. And so I was. But I was 19. Cause at first I walked out with boxer shorts on. And they go, who told you you could wear boxer shorts?

[Seth Meyers]

And I said, did they say it in Italian?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, it was his assistant, Dario. And he goes, stephen, who told you carry boxer shorts?

[Seth Meyers]

Thank you very much.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I said, ruben Terrarullian, the designer. He gave me the boxer shorts. Steven, he's a whorehouse. Why would you have your boxer shorts on? And he goes, you should be naked. And I said. And I thought. Did the math. Immediately in my head, I went, I'm 19. I'm thousands of miles from home. I don't know anybody here. This thing isn't gonna get any better. Looking past this, I said, okay. And he goes, oh, you are an exhibitionist. I said, no, I'll do it. So I was naked on stage every night.

[Evie Colbert]

And was he talking with his thumb like that?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Did you have the glasses?

[John Oliver]

So it wasn't really an assistant.

[Evie Colbert]

In our Wednesday, it was no glasses.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was backstage.

[John Oliver]

Glasses.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, I was not wearing.

[Evie Colbert]

Not on his at all.

[John Oliver]

So it looked like crouching.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, I had the ring on and the glasses.

[Evie Colbert]

It's amazing.

[Stephen Colbert]

And a fair amount of zinc oxide.

[John Oliver]

He was like, you can't wear the boxers. We won't be able to see the box.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Funny.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, exactly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now to make it. Make it a talk.

[Evie Colbert]

That's an actual scene. In Vegas.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do a.

[Evie Colbert]

Do a.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do a added metal Spalding Puppetry of the penis. Do you remember that? Do you remember puppetry of the penis?

[John Oliver]

They were Edinburgh.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, my God.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do what?

[John Oliver]

Puppetry of the penis. Two Australian guys. Everything. You think?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, yeah, sure, I know about it. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

So the penis was the face.

[John Oliver]

They would come out, they would manipulate. It was scrotal manipulation.

[Evie Colbert]

Was a shadow puppet.

[John Oliver]

No, they would be a camera up close. They would project on the thing and they would. Guys with capes and running shoes.

[Seth Meyers]

Yep.

[John Oliver]

And that was it.

[Seth Meyers]

Yep.

[John Oliver]

And they would just, like, literally, like, why the cape?

[Stephen Colbert]

What?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Why the cape?

[John Oliver]

Showmanship.

[Stephen Colbert]

Chilly.

[John Oliver]

Might be a little chilly, but they would. I remember they did, like, windsurfer.

[Seth Meyers]

Yep.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

They would, like, say it and then they'd, like.

[Stephen Colbert]

Would they have a prop, like a wind?

[John Oliver]

No, they would make the whole thing.

[Seth Meyers]

It was like the penis. Like claymation. It's very much. Take that. AI. You can't. It takes a certain kind of skill and elasticity of the bulls.

[Evie Colbert]

That's arm wrestling, tap dancing.

[Seth Meyers]

It is hard to follow Papaji and the penis.

[John Oliver]

Right?

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

So I guess I'll tell you the story. Why I want to know whether you guys have done nude scenes.

[Seth Meyers]

Well, before we get back to that, I love the idea that someone listening to this would think, I did see an opera. What year would that be? Hold on.

[Stephen Colbert]

1982?

[Seth Meyers]

Did I see Stephen Colbert's I'll Say It Swinging Dick in Italy?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Remember that pervert Dario who used to talk young teenage American boys?

[Evie Colbert]

You mean American? Dario had the fake Italian accent.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, dirty Dario. Remember how his, like, the lower half of his face looked like a thumb? Yeah.

[Seth Meyers]

You gotta take off of the box.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Remember we were always Dario.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Of course.

[John Oliver]

People at whorehouse have boxers. They come in with all their clothes.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

They come in fully.

[Stephen Colbert]

Clothes come to whorehouse naked.

[John Oliver]

Adario would always trick the Americans.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

He's the best.

[Seth Meyers]

It's a whorehouse. It's the Times Square LEGO store. Dariel, not here. Not now.

[Stephen Colbert]

So no nude scene?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I've not. Well, yeah. Well, listen, I use my naked body as a comedy device frequently, but buck naked. Completely naked. I have, like, if, like, one night I was playing poker with a bunch of guys and I went to the bathroom and I came out back in just completely naked. I'll do that from time to time.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's not what I'm talking about.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, I've never been.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's recreational. Naked.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I've never been paid to be naked.

[Stephen Colbert]

No one's ever said, I'll give you cash to be naked?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No. And nor will they.

[Seth Meyers]

I. As you know, I think as we get to. I operate in onlyfans where, yeah, I am willing to tell people the news while naked only from below the waist and above the thigh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jimmy, ever been naked on camera or in a theater?

[Evie Colbert]

No. I'm Irish Catholic. I shower in the dark. I don't even want to. Yeah, I don't want to.

[John Oliver]

I once was on the L in Chicago, and a guy sat down to me and struck by conversation, True story. And asked me if he could pay me $20 to smell my feet.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And?

[John Oliver]

And I said, absolutely not. But he was like, really friendly. And then we got off the subway. He's like, do you mind if I walk with you for a while? And I'm like, yeah, sure. We just kind of talk. And I was like, so this is a. Do you have a lot of success with this?

[Stephen Colbert]

I would have said every now and then, wow. He literally said like, you, like, called it out. Go. Like, yeah.

[John Oliver]

I was like, so what is this?

[Stephen Colbert]

Does this work?

[John Oliver]

Does this ever work? And then we got literally got to the corner and I was like, I'm going this way. He's like, I'm going this way. He goes, are you. He literally was like, are you a. Maybe.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm like, no, no, no.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm sorry.

[John Oliver]

Listen. But he made way more than that.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's very frank. That's lovely, actually. That's kind of admirable. What would have been the downside of letting the man smell your feet?

[John Oliver]

I think just because it wasn't, you know, it was a. You'd have to go to someone's home. You know what?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I thought it was gonna happen right there on the other. No, no, no, no.

[John Oliver]

Street feet.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I thought it was gonna be. Cause that's like. Yeah, 100%. Give me 20 bucks. Let's see the 20.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I had a thing once where I thought it would be fun to go to somebody's house to buy something very inexpensive on Craigslist. Some guy was selling one t shirt for $5. I'm like, who would go to someone's house to buy a T shirt? It was just a plain T shirt. So I decided to go and I

[Stephen Colbert]

realized again, just freelance, like, not for something.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No. Yeah, well, for the show.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

But I realized when I got there that it was a come on. It was like, if you're gonna come

[John Oliver]

there and you know, my father in law sold.

[Stephen Colbert]

Five more minutes. What did Jake say?

[John Oliver]

Oh, wait, did we get an answer back we gotta do wives.

[Stephen Colbert]

Five minutes, guys.

[John Oliver]

Well, let's do five minutes.

[Evie Colbert]

Okay.

[John Oliver]

Okay.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

All right.

[Evie Colbert]

Can we get to Strike Force Wives?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, that's what he just said.

[Evie Colbert]

I know, but I was just thinking about.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, Edit.

[John Oliver]

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Can we do Strike Force Wives?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Sure.

[John Oliver]

You just said that.

[Evie Colbert]

No, we didn't.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, you're ruining the editing. I still want my idea at the end, though.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Can we know about what your father in law.

[Seth Meyers]

Would you do me the great honor.

[Evie Colbert]

Yes.

[Seth Meyers]

Yes.

[Evie Colbert]

Of doing Strike Force Wives? Strike Force Wives. All right.

[John Oliver]

I'm so excited.

[Evie Colbert]

Strike Force wise. What I did was. This is.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How well do you.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, fucking hell.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, my God.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, my God.

[Evie Colbert]

How well did your wife. I asked the wives all questions. Okay. And they have asked all questions. This is. I asked them questions, all three questions. And they're going to. They answered.

[Stephen Colbert]

All the wives answered.

[Evie Colbert]

All the wives answered. Yes. So I talked to everyone's wife. I talked to Seth, your wife, Alexi, Jimmy Kimmel. I talked to your wife, Molly. Stephen. I talked to Evie, your wife. And John, I talked to Kate, your wife worked out. And then. So they gave answers. And I thought it'd be interesting to see what your answers were and if they kind of match up to your wife's answers.

[Stephen Colbert]

And what are we playing for, Jim?

[Evie Colbert]

World Central Kitchen. All right, my first question. All right, so I'll start with. Now I'll start with the first question. The first question.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, that's good.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, my God.

[Evie Colbert]

Which one of these. Start your first one. Well, I'm gonna start with question number one.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here we go.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Number one.

[Evie Colbert]

Number one. I'll start with Jimmy Kimmel. I asked your wife, what did your husband want for his birthday this year, and what did you get him?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, well, I never really want anything for my birthday, so I don't think there was anything I asked for. And I think I got clothes.

[Evie Colbert]

Okay. Molly said he never really wants anything for his birthday thing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

But probably to be left alone fishing. And I got him clothes. He never left.

[John Oliver]

Oh, that's.

[Stephen Colbert]

There you go.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, that's right.

[John Oliver]

You nailed it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She wants to make sure I'm never naked in the house. She keeps buying me clothes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Clothes.

[Evie Colbert]

And you're just. Okay. John Oliver.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

What did you want for your birthday this year, and what did you.

[Seth Meyers]

There was nothing. I didn't want anything for my birthday this year.

[Evie Colbert]

You didn't?

[Seth Meyers]

I didn't? No, no, no. Just the way the world is right now. It seemed inappropriate to want anything. Yeah. It just seemed a little crappy. Yeah. What'd you get? I got some cards, some Liverpool playing cards that my children have took before I even opened all of them.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Playing cards?

[Seth Meyers]

Not playing like players cards. Collectible cards. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, you're a card collector.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah. Not like Seth is, but yeah. My kids are card collectors.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I see.

[Seth Meyers]

And so they've now realized if you throw cards off me, you can just take them.

[Evie Colbert]

Gotcha.

[Seth Meyers]

So, yeah,

[Evie Colbert]

Kate said he refuses to ever tell me what he'd like for his birthday or any holiday in general. So I gave him this. And it's a. It's a mug. What is it? It's a mug that says flooded again.

[Seth Meyers]

Oh, that's right. Yes.

[Evie Colbert]

Jesus smoking a Jesus.

[Seth Meyers]

It's a smoking Jesus saying flooded again. That's right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

An angry smoking Jesus.

[Evie Colbert]

Angry smokey Jesus. Flooded again.

[Seth Meyers]

The real gift there was explaining to my children what was going on in that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Who's that?

[Seth Meyers]

That's a guy called Jesus. Why is he smoking? Well, he didn't. I mean, he's mad. What's he mad? It doesn't matter. Take your cards, Seth. Whitney.

[John Oliver]

She got me close. What I wanted was guilt free to watch a Pittsburgh Steelers game that happened on my birthday. But because she's sassy, I bet she said that I wanted sex.

[Evie Colbert]

Okay. Alexi said dinner, just the five of us, is what you wanted for your birthday. That's actually right. That is what she got.

[Seth Meyers]

Okay.

[John Oliver]

That is right.

[Evie Colbert]

Okay.

[John Oliver]

Wow.

[Evie Colbert]

You get.

[Stephen Colbert]

What did you get and what did she get?

[Evie Colbert]

She got him that. They gave him dinner for just the five of us.

[Stephen Colbert]

That was.

[Seth Meyers]

I'm taking a big swing.

[John Oliver]

Not this year, and I'm guessing not next year based on how this went.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

I think I'm getting dinner for one.

[Stephen Colbert]

My birthday's in two days. Yep.

[Evie Colbert]

Your birthday. Happy early birthday.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you very much.

[Evie Colbert]

My birthday is in two days.

[John Oliver]

What is CBS getting?

[Evie Colbert]

Happy birthday. Came early this year.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cardboard box.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Dinner with Dario.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. I don't think I've asked. I don't think I've asked for anything. I think I've been very frustrating in that regard. But now if she says what it is, then I'm gonna know what she's getting me. Can I guess what it is? Is there something kind of.

[John Oliver]

We got two more categories.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. A tray. Like a tray for my desktop to like, put like, you know, like a nice leather tray, like for your change and your keys, like, little organizer tray.

[Evie Colbert]

No, what she said.

[John Oliver]

Let him answer for so long.

[Stephen Colbert]

About the tray.

[Seth Meyers]

You really pounded in some looseness.

[Stephen Colbert]

But that's what I'm.

[John Oliver]

What is the answer that you were hoping maybe it'll turn into this?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's what I'm hoping it's going to be. I've been dropping hints.

[Evie Colbert]

Well, Steven's birthday is actually the day after tomorrow, so I won't give away all my secrets. So she says you still might get them. But he did say that he wants a digital subway clock. It tells you how many minutes before the next train comes on your subway.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, have you seen that? Yeah, it was really nice.

[Evie Colbert]

I find it amusing that he wants. He hardly ever takes a subway.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, well, now I'm going to.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah, that's what you. That's what you've been talking about. No, subway clock.

[Stephen Colbert]

Subway clock.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

I never heard of it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, it's really nice. It's digital. It looks like it's like the thing that's in the subway station, but it's.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, I see that.

[Stephen Colbert]

And you can put your location in and it basically tells you, like, what lines do you care about? What are you gonna use most often? And it just keeps reading like, when's the next one of those trains coming?

[Evie Colbert]

Jimmy Kimmel. I gave you my wife, Nancy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, yes, that's right.

[John Oliver]

You have to take up the pace, you guys.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're already over. We gotta wrap it up. Let's go one more round real quick.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What did you want and what'd you get?

[Evie Colbert]

Okay, what did I want for my birthday this year?

[John Oliver]

I wanted probably this tray.

[Seth Meyers]

Now a big leather tray for all the.

[Evie Colbert]

I wanted a quilt.

[Seth Meyers]

A quilt?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

I was really into quilts this year for some reason.

[Seth Meyers]

What kind of quilt?

[Evie Colbert]

Like a nice, like, hand woven quilt.

[Seth Meyers]

Describe it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

One of my little machine quilts.

[Evie Colbert]

You wanted a quilt, but handmade quilt.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah, I think you're saying that like it's not a weird thing to want.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah. Wants warmth.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Are you an old lady?

[John Oliver]

What'd you get?

[Evie Colbert]

Well, or it could be marmalade. I wanted. I was into marmalade.

[John Oliver]

So you are.

[Seth Meyers]

You're the oldest of ladies.

[Evie Colbert]

You're padding.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's not what Nancy said.

[Evie Colbert]

And she got me. I think she got me a butter churner.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She said, Jesus.

[Seth Meyers]

My God.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Really? That's not a butter churner. Don't say you cover yourself with the quilt and use that in the bedroom. He wanted a puppy. He got a four leaf clover brooch.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh, he didn't get a.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

A brooch and a quilt.

[Evie Colbert]

I did get a brooch.

[Seth Meyers]

You are an old lady.

[Evie Colbert]

I did get a.

[Stephen Colbert]

He got a collection of antimacassars.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What time do you have to get to bingo tonight?

[Evie Colbert]

Should we go to the second? Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do we have time for this?

[John Oliver]

Yeah, we're gonna do. We're gonna do.

[Evie Colbert]

We should do it right?

[John Oliver]

Yeah, yeah,

[Stephen Colbert]

we have to shoot. You got to be out of here in 55 minutes. There are no.

[Seth Meyers]

We'll go so quick.

[Stephen Colbert]

How fast can you do it?

[John Oliver]

Yeah, we'll do it.

[Seth Meyers]

All right.

[Evie Colbert]

This question was what part of your husband's daily routine is his favorite? What part of your husband's daily routine is his favorite?

[John Oliver]

Doing the New York Times crossword on my phone.

[Evie Colbert]

No, Alexi said Seth will say walking the boys to school.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Better change your answer quick.

[Evie Colbert]

But I think it's doing his show every night.

[Stephen Colbert]

Morning pitch meeting.

[Evie Colbert]

No, your wife, Evie said I would say his favorite part of his daily routine is sleeping, and after that is

[Stephen Colbert]

coffee and wordle unconsciousness, unaware of the world.

[Seth Meyers]

John Oliver being inside my kid's classroom in the morning.

[Evie Colbert]

Favorite part of his daily routine is taking the kids to school and listening to them take turns choosing songs to belt out and chatting with all the moms that drop off.

[Seth Meyers]

Yes, I do chat. I have my good mom chatter.

[Evie Colbert]

Jim Kimmel.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm trying to think of what my wife would say, and I think it would be my. The invading my ears with Q tips.

[Seth Meyers]

Correct.

[Evie Colbert]

She said cleaning his ears.

[Stephen Colbert]

My God. Favorite guy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It is.

[Seth Meyers]

I feel really bad.

[Evie Colbert]

And Jimmy's. Oh, gosh. All right. So my favorite part of my day.

[Seth Meyers]

Are you pinned in on this 3:30pm in the afternoon with your gal pals down the river?

[Evie Colbert]

Mahjong mahja.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's worse than that. I'm looking at the answer.

[Evie Colbert]

Favorite part of routine. I was gonna say maybe finishing the show or doing a joke that work on the show and people laughing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, she says scrapbooking. On the personal side, his morning routine includes hot lemon water to drink. Wordle with the family before school. Listen to taking a bath where I often jump scare him using a loud low voice, pretending I'm a plumber or an electrician who's arrived early for repairs. Works out every night as soon as the show is over. I think even after all this time, he's just relieved he did it again.

[John Oliver]

Very nice. So eventually got there.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Evie Colbert]

Eventually got there, but wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

I have to say, wow.

[Evie Colbert]

Nancy, thank you for that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Not only freaking answer this quiz, but also the one we did two years ago. I don't think Evie and I maybe once we, like, matched correctly. I think I have a good relationship with my wife, but we do terribly on your test.

[Evie Colbert]

No, I have one more question.

[John Oliver]

Let's do it fast, fast, fast.

[Evie Colbert]

The last question here.

[John Oliver]

This is you and every gonna get this one.

[Evie Colbert]

Why did you fall in love with your husband? Is he the same as when you first met or what's different?

[Stephen Colbert]

Those are several questions, but he read

[Evie Colbert]

them as if they were one.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know, but that's several question.

[Seth Meyers]

Guess we'll do this really quick. And then you asked three questions, but

[John Oliver]

I read them answer in the form of a poem.

[Seth Meyers]

Real quickly.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Real quick.

[Stephen Colbert]

In a Petrarchan song.

[John Oliver]

I don't think we have time for it. I don't think we have time for it. Are you choking?

[Stephen Colbert]

Can you breathe? No.

[Evie Colbert]

So when did you fall in love with your husband? What do you think Evie said?

[Stephen Colbert]

What do you think Evie said about when she fell in love? When she saw the way I treated my mom.

[Seth Meyers]

Was it she was in Italy years ago.

[John Oliver]

Two for one opera tickets.

[Stephen Colbert]

Was that it?

[Evie Colbert]

No.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I saw you ringing the bells with your dick in Italy.

[Evie Colbert]

I said I fell in love with Steven because even though he was only 27 when we met, he'd already laughed so much in his life that he had crow's feet around his eyes. I thought, anyone who smiles and laughs that much has got to be fun to share the ride with. He's still the same, only the lines are deeper now.

[Seth Meyers]

Wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, wow.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Wow. That is a bowl.

[Evie Colbert]

That's a really good.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't think we can talk. Come on, guys.

[Evie Colbert]

At Mike. We're not going to even top that one.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think that's Mike.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Come on. Are you leaving? Seth?

[John Oliver]

I think we're done, right?

[Seth Meyers]

Wrap it up.

[Stephen Colbert]

We got to go do the science Wrap. We want to wrap it up.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We want to thank Mint Mobile, our sponsor. We want to thank Spotify for putting us on. Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Evie Colbert]

Thank you, everyone, for listening.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Spotify.

[John Oliver]

It is also, I will say, it's so lovely, people in my audience, I'm sure your audience as well, wear the Strike Force 5T shirt. It's so lovely. Whenever.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I like seeing that, too.

[John Oliver]

And it was very fun.

[Evie Colbert]

Well, I thought it was funny that it came out right before our last episode.

[Seth Meyers]

Yeah. There are T shirts available when we sell them.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

There are not. We ordered like 3,600. We sold all but about 40 of those T shirts.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Stephen put the order in. You guessed almost exactly correctly. In fact, the only shirts that were left over were tiny and huge. So we need some little people to listen, and we need some very, very big people.

[Stephen Colbert]

Real quick, we have a last show T shirt that we're selling instead of the Late show, it says the last show. All the money goes to World Central Kitchen as well. We have sold 52,000.

[John Oliver]

Unfounded.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Where can those be purchased?

[Stephen Colbert]

At Colbert Late show ebay.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And you're still with the tea at the end of Colbert. You going with that?

[Stephen Colbert]

Sticking with that till the show's over.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Great.

[Stephen Colbert]

And then CBS says I can't have it back. They get the te, they keep the tea.

[Evie Colbert]

Jesus, thank you for doing everything.

[Stephen Colbert]

And what a great one, by the way.

[John Oliver]

We will keep doing this without you and it won't be the same.

[Stephen Colbert]

I understand.

[John Oliver]

I understand. Fair. That's fair. That's totally fair.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Stephen Colbert, everybody.

[Stephen Colbert]

Die.

[John Oliver]

Force five.

[Seth Meyers]

Woo.

[Stephen Colbert]

Perfect. All right, Great. All right, all right. Let's blow. Sam.