Therapist (3:48)

Sure. Want me to run through the list?

Scott (3:50)

Let's go through the list. Yeah, yeah, let's go through the list. Just kick it off. It's a good framework just to start, and then we can take it from there.

Therapist (3:55)

Let's see how good my memory is if we can do these in order.

Scott (3:58)

So I think I have it written down somewhere too.

Therapist (4:02)

Yeah. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't give away your power. Don't make the same mistakes over and over again. Don't give up after your first failure. Don't fear alone time. Don't shy away from change. Don't resent other people's success. Don't worry about pleasing everybody. Don't feel like the world owes you anything.

Scott (4:25)

Let's talk about these, these rules or these, I guess, these, these laws of things that mentally strong people don't do. So can you, from like a therapist perspective, talk about why these things are so powerful and you don't have to go through each one, but talk about what these things actually do to the person when they're going through a tough time. Why does, for example, not doing some of these things allow you to go through a death or this very traumatic experience?

Therapist (4:55)

So it really boils down to taking responsibility for the way that you think, the way you feel, and the way you behave. So the reason the list starts off with don't feel sorry for yourself is because that's right where I was. I was thinking, this isn't fair. I got another loss in my life. Why me? But I knew as a therapist, like, anybody who comes in feeling sorry for themselves isn't going to get any better. And if you see somebody who feels sorry for themselves and you offer a solution, an idea, any kind of support, their immediate response is, well, that won't work for me. And here's why. Like, my case is special. Like, yes, that Strategy works for 99.9% of the people in the world, but I'm the 0.1% that that is never going to work for. And they kind of get angry that anybody's even trying to help them out. So I knew that it's okay to be sad and that we have to be sad, and that's part of our grieving process. And that's how you heal, is by going through those tough. But I also knew that if I dug in my heels and exaggerated that my life was worse than everybody else's, or that this was so horrible I could never recover, I would make those things true. That I could say, yes, my life is awful, and I'm going to spend the rest of it sitting on my couch and never leaving again. But that wouldn't do me or anybody else any good. So. And a lot of the things on that list are really about that. Like, if you looked at, don't give away your power. That's really about saying, well, I'm in charge of how I think, feel, and behave. You can call me an idiot, but I don't have to let. I don't have to feel bad. Like, that would be my choice. If I said, like, oh, I feel really bad because Scott called me names today. No, I can just be like, all right, that's his opinion, and I can move on. Or if you have a co worker who talks to you a lot, you could be like, you know, that person wastes my time and they ruin my day because they won't stop talking and I can't get anything done. Or you could set a boundary and say, hey, we're not going to do that right now. Or, thanks for. Thanks for having a chat with me, but I can't talk. I'm busy. I have something to do. And all of these things are tough sometimes to be like, oh, you know, it really is me who's in charge. But at the same time, like, there's a lot of freedom in that, knowing I get to pick what kind of life I have. I can't control all the things that happen to me. But there are so many choices I have. And even when we look at things you can't control, you can't control somebody else's behavior. You can't control the economy. You can't control whether people buy your products, but you can control how great of a product you make, or you can control how you respond to people when they behave a certain way. So just keeping that in mind, I think, brings us into a lot of freedom where we can say, all right, the choice is up to me. Like, just like you can't always control the hand you were dealt in life, there's so many options in how you respond to it. So this list is really about that. Because people who would come into my therapy office, some of them had been handed incredibly difficult cards in life. And yet the ones who were still optimistic, the ones who would say, you know, this has been tough, yet I have these skills and resources, and here's how I'm going to get through it, could get through it. And they still were, like, hopeful about the future compared to other people who are like, can you believe how bad my life is? And they wanted to come in next week and tell me how horrible everything happened in the past seven days. Like, can you believe how awful this has been, too? And these are the people that don't get better. And it seems so obvious from the outside. Like, yeah, it just takes some time. A little bit of hope, a little bit of optimism, a willingness to try new things and an openness to say, I'm going to experiment and if I fail or make a mistake, I can handle that and I'll be okay.

Scott (8:18)

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Therapist (13:33)

Correct. And that's what happens. We know from the research, like when our emotions goes up, our logic goes down. So the more intense we feel an emotion, the more difficult it is to think clearly, as you just alluded to. So if somebody gave you a test to take when you're really angry, you would score poorly on it. Like, you literally get stupid when you're angry. And anxiety does the same thing to us. Or overwhelming sadness, it's nearly impossible to. To figure out what do I do next? So we all need tools to deal with uncomfortable feelings. And sometimes they're simple things. Just putting a name to an emotion takes a bunch of the sting out of it. If I could say, hey, I'm really anxious today. My anxiety goes down just a little bit just because I've helped my brain and my body make sense of it. If I can, then say, all right, is this emotion serving Me? Well, we'll call it a friend or an enem. Like, sometimes it's our friend. Like, if you feel really sad about something you've lost, by all means, embrace it. But if you're sad and you're about to go ask for a raise in that moment, that's not your friend. You want to boost your mood before you walk into that meeting. So we all need skills and tools to boost our mood. So could be listening to a happy song for a few minutes. It might be a matter of saying, I'm going to go for a walk around the block. I'm going to go outside in nature. I'm going to do something to reduce the intensity of this feeling. Acting the opposite helps. If I feel really sad, my brain's gonna say, you know, stay in your pajamas and sit on the couch today. You don't need to go out and do anything. Well, I've never met anybody who said, you know, I skipped work today, sat on the couch in my pajamas, and by noon I felt amazing. And other than when I was 8 and I didn't wanna go to school. But for the most part, when we do what our brain tells us to do when we're, like, stuck in a bad mood is it just reinforces a bad mood. We listen to angry music when we feel angry, and it makes us feel angrier. So sometimes you have to then say, okay, this emotion isn't serving me well, so I'm going to do the opposite. And I'll sometimes work with people to create what we call a list of mood boosters. So I'll say, what do you do when you're really happy? If you came home from work and you were in an amazing mood, what would you likely do? And somebody might give me a playlist of the songs they'd listen to. They might say, I would call a friend, I'd go for a walk. I might work in my garden for a while. And we'll take that list of whatever things they say, and you hang it on the refrigerator. And when you come home from work and you're in a bad mood, I want you to do something on that list. You're not going to feel like doing it, but it makes you feel a little bit better. And we have control over our emotions. So many people say, well, you shouldn't control how you feel. No, by all means, you should. And it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel anxious when those emotions are serving you well, but you don't have to stay stuck in them. We have some control over our behavior and we can also control what we think. When you wake up and you're sad, you're going to think this is going to be an awful day. I can't handle anything. People are going to be mean to me. Nobody likes me. If you keep thinking those things, the worse you feel, and the worse you feel, the more you're going to think about it. So change what you think. Say, well, what's one reason today might be a good day? What's one thing I can do today? And then you change your behavior too. So if we change how we think and we change how we behave, we change how we feel. This all seems like common sense stuff when you really think about it. But literally nobody teaches us this when we're kids. And I don't know why they don't because it would have changed so many lives. And that's what I get from people, is if only I would have learned this 20 years ago.

Scott (16:52)

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