← Success Story with Scott D. Clary
Success Story with Scott D. Clary
Lessons - Falling Out of Love Is Normal, But Leaving Isn't (Scott)
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In this lesson's episode, we're going to talk about why your relationship feels dead. You look at your partner, you feel nothing. You think it means you chose wrong, but it doesn't. Every long relationship cycles through, falling in and out of love multiple times. Now, most people leave during the out phase and never make it back to the end. I'll reveal the three phases every relationship cycles through and how to choose going back in and falling back into love. Instead of leaving when everyone else does, let's talk about why falling out of love is normal, but leaving isn't. Now, just a quick note before I get into this. This is not my usual content. I don't usually write and podcast about relationships, but I've been thinking about this particular topic a lot because it really affects everything else. Your relationship with your spouse, your significant other. It bleeds into your work, into your focus, into your energy, into your decision making, into whether you're building or just surviving. And a bad relationship drains everything. A good one compounds everything. And the difference between a bad and a good relationship isn't what most people think. So here it is. This is why I want to talk about relationships. Year three, month seven in your relationship, you're making dinner together. You realize you haven't had a real conversation in weeks. Not an argument, not logistics about who's picking up groceries or when rent is due. A real conversation. And then you look at them across the kitchen and you feel nothing. Not anger, not resentment, just absence. The person you couldn't stop thinking about three years ago. The one who made your chest tight when they walked into a room. You got butterflies, right? The one who you stayed up until 3am talking to because sleep felt like a waste of time. Together. The person is standing right there and you feel like roommates. This is the moment most people panic because they think falling out of love means it's over. And I'm here to tell you it's not. It's just the first cycle. See what nobody tells you about long marriages. Well, let's look at Johnny Cash and June Carter. They were married 35 years, and if you read the stories, it sounds like a perfect love story. But if you dig deeper, you find out the truth. They separated multiple times. Cash's addiction nearly destroyed them. There were years where June couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. Years where she questioned whether staying was destroying her. But she stayed throughout all the phases. And he fought his way back when the relationship wasn't going so well. Not once, but multiple times. And when Cash Died. June said, we've had a love affair that has lasted through the hardest times. Not one love affair. A love affair that lasted through multiple versions of itself. See, that's what long marriages actually are. Not one continuous feeling, multiple love stories with the same person. You fall in love, then life happens. Kid stress, career changes, money problems, health issues, boredom. You fall out. Not because you chose the wrong person, because that's what happens when two people live together long enough to become different people than who they were when they met. So the question isn't whether you'll fall out of love. You will at some point. The question is whether you'll choose to fall back in. See, if you stay in a relationship long enough, you are going to cycle through three phases multiple times. The first phase is love. This is the easy part. Everything about them is fascinating. Their habits are endearing. Their flaws are quirks. And you want them around constantly. Sex is easy. Conversation is effortless. You think about them when they're not there. This phase is chemically driven. Your brain is flooded with dopamine, oxytocin, all the bonding chemicals that make you obsessed. It feels like magic. It's actually biology, and it does doesn't last. And it's not because the relationship is wrong. It's because brains aren't designed to maintain that level of chemical intensity forever. Phase two is out of love. And this is where a lot of people quit. Divorce rates are very high right now. Chemicals wear off. You start seeing them clearly. The habits that were endearing are now annoying, and the quirks are now flaws. They chew too loudly. They never close the cabinet doors. They tell the same stories at every dinner party. They. They don't listen when you talk about your day. Sex requires effort. Conversation feels forced. You think about them when they're not there, but not in a good way. And you start wondering, well, did I choose wrong? Is this all there is? Shouldn't I feel more than this? This is the moment. And this is where people leave. They think falling out of love means it's over, that the right person would make them feel the way they did in phase one forever. So they go find someone new, and guess what happens? Phase one again. Then phase two again. Then they leave again. And they spend their whole life chasing phase one without realizing that phase three exists. And what is phase three? It's when you choose back in. This is the part nobody talks about because it's not romantic. It's not passion, it's not chemistry. It's a decision. You decide to see them differently, not who they were when you met, not who you wish they were. Who they actually are right now. You decide to be interested in them again. To ask questions, to listen to answers, to notice the small things. You decide to prioritize the relationship when you don't feel like it, to have the hard conversation instead of avoiding it. To show up when it's easier not to. And something strange starts to happen. The feeling comes back. It's not the exact same feeling as phase one. It's deeper because it's built on reality instead of fantasy. You fall back in love not because they changed, but because you chose to. Now, what ends most relationships is that people think falling out of love means they chose wrong. People think that when those initial chemicals wear off and you are no longer lusting and infatuated with that person anymore, it means they chose wrong. And people believe this myth that the right person will make you feel in love with butterflies forever. That good relationships don't require work. That if you are not constantly passionate about this person, then something's broken. So they leave. During phase two, they find someone new. They experience phase one again with that person. Then phase two hits, and they think they chose wrong again. And they never make it to phase three. They never learn that the deepest connection comes from choosing someone over and over, not from the initial spark. I know a married couple. They've been together 40 years. I asked them their secret and the husband said, we never fell out of love at the same time. See, that's it. That is the secret. You'll fall out, they'll fall out. But if you can stay through each other's out phases and choose to fall back in, you get something that most people never experience. Multiple love stories with the same person, each one deeper than the last. Now, what does this require from you to stay together? Well, choosing back in, choosing to fall back in love with a person, it's more than just staying together. It's active. It's work. This is what it actually looks like. You notice when you're in the out phase, instead of pretending everything's fine or assuming it's over, you tell them out loud, I'm in an out phase right now. I don't feel connected. This is normal, and I'm choosing to work through it. And you do things you don't feel like doing. You have conversations when you'd rather scroll on your phone. You show affection when you feel distant. You plan dates when you'd rather stay home. You remember, the feeling doesn't create the choice, the choice creates the feeling. And you stop waiting to feel in love before acting like you're in love. You act, you're in your way, back in. And I know it sounds unromantic, and people want to believe love is about feelings, not decisions. But the couples who last don't have better feelings. They have better commitment to the choice. The feelings come and go. The choice is what stays. See, understanding this changes more than your relationship. It changes how you see commitment in every area of your life. You're going to fall in and out of love with your work, your business, your creative projects, your goals. And most people quit during the out phase. They think falling out of love with what they're building means they should start something new. But the pattern is the exact same. Chase the new thing, you're going to hit phase one. You will hit the grind, which is phase two. You're going to quit and you're going to repeat. And people never make it to phase three in their work, their career, their goals, their spouse. They don't hit phase three in anything. They never experience what happens when you choose to stay committed through the boring middle and find the deeper engagement on the other side. So. So whether or not it's the relationship, a business, a craft, the principle is the same. You will fall out of love with it. But that's not a sign that you chose wrong. That's a sign that you're in phase two. So the question becomes, will you quit or will you choose back in? See, long marriages aren't proof that some people are just meant to be. They're proof that some people chose to stay through multiple out phases and build multiple love stories with the same person. It's not more romantic, it's actually harder. It's more boring, and it's more repetitive, but it's also deeper, more real and more sustainable. See, you don't find the perfect person, and then everything is easy. You find someone worth choosing, and then you choose them over and over through the in phases and the out phases. That's what for better or worse actually means. Not that worse won't come, that you'll stay through worse and choose your way back to better. Most people leave during worse. They think worse means over. But long marriages understand that worse is just a phase and phases change. If you stay long enough to let them, you'll fall out of love. It's normal. The falling out isn't failure. Leaving during the out phase is. So my challenge to you is to choose to fall back in love and see what happens.