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Lessons - How Your Personality Drives Success | Gretchen Rubin - Happiness Expert
00:14:29
In this "Lessons" episode, Gretchen Rubin, Happiness Expert, breaks down the four tendencies framework that illuminates how responses to expectations shape behavior. Learn why identifying whether you're an upholder, questioner, obliger, or rebel is vital for self-awareness, and understand how this insight empowers better decision-making and personal growth.
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- [00:00]
Gretchen Rubin
I just want to take a second and thank Cornbread Hemp for supporting today's episode. Now, Cornbread Hemp CBD gummies have been this really nice addition to my wellness toolkit. I don't use them every day, just when I want to unwind after those extra busy weeks, but they're perfect for those moments when you want to take the edge off and just find your balance. Really just shut off from work. And what makes them special is how Cornbread handcrafts them. They only use a flower of USDA organic hemp plants. That's the best part for the purest, most potent experience. No fillers, no artificial fluff, just clean full spectrum goodness and delicious watermelon, berry and peach flavor. I keep them in my nightstand for those moments when I just need a little extra help relaxing. And I love how transparent they are too. Every batch is third party lab tested so you know exactly what you're getting. And they put together a special offer for all success story podcast listeners. All listeners can save 30% off their first order. Just head to cornbread hemp.com success and use code success at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com success code success for 30% off your first order of these amazing gummies. In this lessons episode, discover the four tendencies framework that illuminates how responses to expectations shape behavior. Learn why identifying whether one is an upholder, questioner, obliger, or rebel is vital for self awareness. And understand how this insight empowers better decision making and personal growth.
- [01:35]
Host
What? Okay, so let's, let's go back to four tendencies. First of all, before we even get there, why did these tendencies come up? Where do they come from?
- [01:44]
Gretchen Rubin
Okay, I, I created them because, so I was working on my book about, about habit change and I started seeing how patterns emerge that I couldn't explain. Like, certain people would say like exactly the same thing in exactly the same words. Like people would say, well, I'll keep a New Year's resolution when it, when I, when I think it's important. But I wouldn't wait for January 1st because January 1st is an arbitrary date. And they would always say that arbitrary. And I was like, that's interesting because the fact that January 1st is an arbitrary date really doesn't bother me. So but to this class of people, that's clearly very important. But my big moment of revelation came when I was My sister calls me a happiness bully because if I think there's a way for you to get happier, I kind of get insistent. So I was drilling A friend about her happiness and her habits. And she said something that just blew my mind. She said, because I'd heard many people say something like this. She said, when I was in high school, I was on the track team and I never missed track practice. So why can't I go running on my own now? So why. So I can come up with a lot of different theories, but why? And I started thinking about that and all the arbitrary people, all these different patterns that I've observed. And I was sitting right here, right in this seat where I'm talking to you this moment. And it was like the word expectation just burst off the page to me. And I realized that the idea of expectation, how we respond to expectations, whether we meet expectations or whether we resist expectations, has this huge consequence on our behavior, on how we form habits successfully or not successfully. And also many, many aspects of our life. And so that's what. And it took a long time. I mean, it was this like the hardest intellectual undertaking I did because I, you know, now I can see, oh, there are these four categories and they fit together in a, in a diamond Venn diagram. And it's super elegant. It's like the, it's like a. I feel like I. It was like the periodic table of the elements, right? It's got this kind of the elegance of nature. But of course, I didn't know that when I was coming up with. I was like, are there five? Maybe there are six.
- [03:52]
Host
Like, it's like you're figuring out like, like, like equals MC squared for the first time.
- [03:59]
Gretchen Rubin
That is exactly what it felt like. And then I remember, like when I saw how they all fit, because I was trying to do a two by two, but it's actually an interlocking Venn diagram. And once I saw that, it was like every single, like example that I could think of all fit in into these four categories. And it was so elegant, it's so straightforward. And the thing is about the four. The four tendencies. And the four tendencies are upholder, questioner, obliger, or rebel. They are so obvious once you say that. Once you hear them, you will see them in the people around you. You can see them on tv. I can tell you the tendencies of the Game of Thrones characters. I can do the characters on the Office, they're Mad Men. They're really obvious to see. Um, because these are just like deep, deep, just aspects of human nature. So anyway, I'm, I'm super proud of you. Should be.
- [04:52]
Host
That's impressive when you.
- [04:53]
Gretchen Rubin
I know I sort of can't believe I figured it out. Of course, I was terrified for like the first three. I was like, am I surely I'm not the first person to figure this out, right? So I was like, worried that I would find out that somebody else had figured it out long before. But as far as I know, I'm the first person to figure this out.
- [05:09]
Host
So explain. Explain. People who have done, let's think of like a business analog, a disc profile, or like Myers Briggs. All these different, like all these. So what is, what are those versus the four tendencies? What does the four tendency framework show you about yourself that are the, the other ones would not.
- [05:34]
Gretchen Rubin
You know, I think all the frameworks have their own power, their own strength, their own vocabulary. They're all looking at human nature in a little bit of a different way. But the four tendencies is it, it describes a very narrow aspect of your nature, but a very significant aspect of your nature. And so, so I think it's, it's more precise because it's just more specific in what it's trying to explain. And yet what it explains is very important. So I would say that is what I would say is different and it's very predictive. Like, I can often say, like, well, if you're a questioner, did you, did people say this to you when you were in grade school? Do you have this kind of argument with your sweetheart? Do you run into this kind of problem at work? Do you find yourself saying these words? And people will often just like, burst in laughing and say, like, oh my. Or like, I'll, I'll, I'll give a talk and everybody in the audience will start pointing to one coworker and just like cracking up because they're like, so funny. This is the person. Like, we, we get it. Like, here, here's exhibit A, you know, because it's very easy to spot. Whereas I think something like the, you know, Myers Briggs, you're kind of like, well, I'm a little bit of this, I'm a little bit of that. Maybe I'm. That it's kind of. Yeah, I don't know. I can, I can get there. But they're all valuable, I think it. Because they help us with self, with self knowledge. And.
- [06:49]
Host
But I think that's, I think that's really the goal, right? Like, I think first of all, if you even know what any of these tests are good for you because that's already a level of self awareness that I don't even think enough people pay attention to. I knew of these tests. I mean, DISC is a very common hiring test right now. People use Myers Briggs as well. But I think that just having these tools at your disposal and being able to look inside and understand how you operate in this world, I think it's very important. It's so powerful because you're not leaving life to chance. You know exactly what, what scenarios you should be putting yourself in or moving yourself from who you can work with, how you operate, how you work, what stresses you out, what makes you happy, what makes you not so happy. I think these are great tools. I mean, so I want you to, I want you to just walk through if you can, like the four tendencies, what, what they are at a high level so people can start to wrap their mind around and they're going to listen. Oh, that's me, that's me, that's not me. And so on.
- [07:45]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah, I just want to take a second and thank Cornbread Hemp for supporting today's episode. Now, Cornbread Hemp CBD gummies have been this really nice addition to my wellness toolkit. I don't use them every day, just when I want to unwind after those extra bus weeks, but they're perfect for those moments when you want to take the edge off and just find your balance, really just shut off from work. And what makes them special is how Cornbread Hemp crafts them. They only use a flour of USDA organic hemp plants. That's the best part. For the purest, most potent experience. No fillers, no artificial fluff, just clean full spectrum goodness in delicious watermelon, berry and peach flavor. I keep them in my nightstand for those moments when I just need a little extra help relaxing. And I love how transparent they are too. Every batch is third party party lab tested so you know exactly what you're getting. And they put together a special offer for all success story podcast listeners. All listeners can save 30 off their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com success and use code success at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com success code success for 30 off your first order of these amazing gummies.
- [08:53]
Yeah, listen to all four before you decide what you are. So I'm going to describe it and the truth is most people will know exactly what they are from this brief description. But if you want to take a quiz that will spit out an answer and give you a report, you can go to GretchenRubin.com quiz Again, like 3 million people have taken this quiz. It's free, but again, I'll just describe it briefly. Most people will know what they are. And I will say this is be honest, because sometimes people sort of answer the way they wish they were. But this is all of these tendencies have include people who are wildly successful and also people who struggle. They all have strengths and weaknesses. So, you know, be honest. Okay, so what the four tendencies looks at is how you respond to expectations. And we all face two kinds of expectations. Outer expectations, like a work deadline, an inner expectation, like a request from a friend. No, like a work that way. An inner expectation, like your own desire to keep a New Year's resolution. So depending on whether you meet or resist outer and inner expectations, that's what makes you an upholder, a questioner, an obliger, or a rebel. So upholders are people who readily meet both outer and inner expectations. So they meet the work deadline, they keep the New Year's resolution without much fuss. They're very focused on execution. They love schedules and to do lists. They don't need a lot of supervision. They're very disciplined. They once they make up their mind to do something, they'll do it. They tend to love, like, reviewing rules. So their motto is discipline is my freedom. Then there are questioners. Questioners question all expectations. They'll do something if they think it makes sense. So they're making everything an inner. An inner expectation. If something makes sense to them, they'll do it, no problem. If it doesn't make sense to them, they will push back. So they love customization. They love reason. They're always asking for more justification. They can sometimes, in fact, suffer from analysis paralysis when their desire for perfect information makes it hard for them to make a decision or move forward. Strangely, a lot of times questioners don't like to answer questions. Funnily enough, they like to teach, but they don't like to be questioned themselves. Ironic, but true. I'm married to a questioner. I experienced this myself. So their motto is, I'll comply if you convince me why. Then there are obligers. Obliger is the biggest tendency for both men and women. You either are an obliger or you have many obligers in your life. So obliger needs a lot of attention because it's a big, big category. Obligers readily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet inner expectations. So these are the people who say things like, why can I keep my promises to other people, but I can't keep my promises to myself? This is my friend on the track team. When she had a team and a coach waiting for her, she showed up with no problem. But when she was trying to go on her own, she struggled. These are people who talk about the problem of self care. These are people who talk about why can't I make myself a priority? The solution, and it's a very simple solution for an obliger, is even to meet an inner expectation. An obliger must have a system of outer accountability. If you want to read more join a book group. If you want to exercise, work out with a friend who's going to be annoyed if you don't show up. Pay a trainer, take your dog for a run, who's going to be disappointed if she doesn't get to go for a run. Raise money for a charity. That's important to you. Think about your duty to be a role model to other people. There's a lot of ways to have outer accountability, but it has to be a form of outer accountability even for an inner expectations, because. And that's just what works for obligers and obligers. But the one thing is spouses and sweethearts often don't make good accountability partners for a very romantic reason. It's like, oh, honey, I'm so close to you that you're like me and so I'm going to ignore you just the way I would ignore me. So you got to get that outer accountability. If you were an obliger, then the smallest tendency is the rebel. It's a conspicuous tendency, but this is the one that the fewest people fall into. Rebels resist outer and inner expectations alike. They want to do what they want to do in their own way and in their own time. They can do anything they want to do, anything they choose to do. But if you ask them to do something, they're very likely to resist. And typically they don't tell themselves what to do. Like they don't sign up for the 10am spin class on Saturday because they think, I don't want to put something on my calendar. And just the idea that somebody's expecting me to show up is going to annoy me. So their motto is, you can't make me and neither can I. And I will say this as you're thinking about this, if you're thinking to yourself, I question the validity of this framework. You're probably a questioner. And also if you are thinking to yourself, I fit all four categories. I'm equally all four, that is also a questioner because what you're doing is you're saying, well, if it's appropriate to act like a rebel, I'll act like a rebel. But if it's appropriate to act like an upholder, I'll act like an upholder. Because you're saying, why would I act that way? That is a big sign of questioner. Upholders, obligers and rebels recognize they are firmly in that tendency. So if you're not sure that's a sign of questioner, is there.
- [14:34]
Host
Is there benefit to trying or is it even possible to change your category if you recognize who you are?
- [14:43]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, I don't think so. I don't think you can change your 10. I'm a firm believer in the genetic roots of personality, and I really think that this is something that's hardwired. But also, I don't know why you don't need to change your tendency. Because every tendency has strengths and weaknesses. And if you're experiencing, like, a downside or limitation of your tendency, rather than you trying to change your inner nature, which is very hard, if even possible, it's like, fix the problem. So if you're an obliger, like, obligers will sometimes say, well, I want to be an upholder because I want to exercise regularly. I'm like, well, you don't have to be an upholder to do that. You just have to have outer accountability to do that.
- [15:18]
Mm.
- [15:19]
Host
So you understand the levers that you pull in your particular circumstance, Right?
- [15:23]
Gretchen Rubin
You just have to, like, use what you know about your tendency to get the. To achieve your aim for yourself, because that's much more straightforward. I'm like, that's the easy solution. Which is just like, get what you want. Don't try to change your whole personality. Because that's like, is that even possible? And like, that's not even what you want. You want to achieve certain. A certain aim for yourself. And you think, well, if I were a different tendency, it would be easier. Well, you just. Just fix it for your tendency. Because all these tendencies have strengths and weaknesses.
- [15:55]
Host
Why? How does expectation play such a big role in how we go through life?
- [16:03]
Gretchen Rubin
Just part of life. I mean, that's part of. If you're at work, you're surrounded by expectations. If you're.
- [16:09]
Host
And it just weighs on us. It just weighs on us. It forces our hand, it.
- [16:12]
Gretchen Rubin
But it's part of life. I mean, a life that expectations would be a life of meaninglessness because it would mean nobody's counting on you for anything. I can't even imagine what that would be.
- [16:24]
Producer
Thanks for tuning in. If you found this valuable, don't forget to hit that subscribe button. So you never miss an episode. And if you want to dive deeper into this conversation, check out the links in the description to watch the full episode. See you in the next one.