Success Story Podcast with Scott D. Clary

Episode: Lessons - The Things You Want But Won't Ask For
Date: August 20, 2025
Host: Scott D. Clary

Episode Overview

In this “Lessons” episode, Scott D. Clary dives deep into the psychology of asking for what you want and explores why so many people live unfulfilled simply because they avoid the crucial skill of making direct requests. Scott unpacks why we stay stuck rehearsing important conversations in our heads, the cost of unspoken wants on our lives and relationships, what brain science tells us about asking, and reveals a simple, powerful script to finally bridge the gap between wanting and getting.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Problem: Stuck in Things That Aren’t Serving You

• Letting Go: Scott opens by highlighting our common failure to end relationships, jobs, or situations that have run their course, causing tremendous energy drain and wasted life.
• Quote:
  • “You know those expired relationships. You’re still keeping up with the job that you should have left two years ago, the girlfriend or the boyfriend, and you know that it’s not working out.” (00:18)
• Why Can’t We Let Go?
  • The brain resists finality, keeping us weighed down by unfinished business—be it relationships, stagnant jobs, or even overdue meetings.

The Shower Rehearsals: Practicing But Never Asking

• The Imaginary Conversations:
  • Scott describes the ritual of practicing difficult conversations (like asking for a raise or more support at home) in the shower but never actually having them.
  • Quote:
    • “You practice them every morning in the shower. You’ve perfected the tone. Confident but not demanding.” (01:53)
• The Big Gap:
  • There’s a persistent gap between knowing what we want and actually asking for it.
  • “Why is there this huge gap between wanting?” (03:00)

Brain Science: Wanting vs Asking

• Neurochemical Difference:
  • Imagining asking for what we want gives our brain a small dopamine hit, a “risk-free pleasure,” while the act of asking brings fear but also a much bigger, longer-lasting reward when we get a “yes.”
  • Study Reference: Dr. Sarah Kim (Northwestern) – Brain scans show that satisfaction from imagining is fleeting, while the satisfaction from getting a real “yes” lasts weeks. (05:00)
• Addiction to Wanting:
  • We get “microdoses” of satisfaction (dopamine) from imagined victories, keeping us trapped in wanting rather than resolving.
  • Quote:
    • “You are basically microdosing on imaginary victories instead of taking the real drug.” (05:50)

The Scale of Unspoken Wants

• Shocking Numbers:
  • When writing down every want in a minute, the average person lists 23 unspoken asks—everything from raises and apologies to time off and daily annoyances.
  • Quote:
    • “The average person lists 23 things if they spend a minute, 60 seconds listing everything they want.” (08:40)
• The Real Barrier:
  • Most people assume they’d get a “no,” so they never ask.

The Science of Yes

• Research by Vanessa Bohns (Cornell):
  • Experiments where people ask strangers for extreme favors (looking through a phone, vandalizing a book) yielded a far higher compliance rate (“yes”) than predicted.
  • Example: Expected compliance for looking through a phone was 27%, but 92% said yes. (10:25)
  • Quote:
    • “You are living in a fantasy of rejection while swimming in an ocean of very likely yeses.” (11:40)

Real-life Application: The Year of Asking

• Jennifer Wu’s Experiment:
  • Kept a list of 419 wants for a year and made it her resolution to ask for all of them.
  • Results: 71% were granted (298 yes, 94 no, 27 maybe later), and more importantly, consistently asking rewired her habit. (13:10)
  • Impact: Increased income, improved marriage, and reduced anxiety.
  • Quote:
    • “Her income doubled. She asked for raises and higher rates. Her marriage improved. She asked for what she needed and her anxiety vanished.” (14:30)

The 8-Second Script for Asking

• Simple Formula:
  • “I want [specific thing] because [specific reason]. Can you make that work?”
  • Quote:
    • “It is an 8 second script that gets you everything you’ve ever wanted.” (15:10)
    • “There was want, reason and question. And the average response time to this script is 4 seconds of consideration, then an answer.” (16:00)

The Real Cost of Not Asking

• Partial Presence:
  • Every unasked want drains mental energy and pulls attention from present life; cumulatively, unasked wants can eat up 30% of your mental bandwidth.
• Relationship Decay:
  • Others sense your frustration but don’t know exactly what you want, leading to misunderstandings or worse assumptions.
• Identity Cost:
  • Not asking reinforces a self-image of someone who doesn’t get what they want.
  • Quote:
    • “Every time you don’t ask, you are reinforcing to yourself and to everyone around you that you are someone who doesn’t get what you want. And this becomes who you are.” (18:40)

Action: Break the Cycle

• Challenge:
  • Quit the next shower rehearsal. Move straight from want to ask, using the script—no more internal negotiation.
  • Quote:
    • “I need you to stop... I need you to walk to your phone. I need you to call the person. I need you to ask for the thing.” (20:15)
• Data-Driven Optimism:
  • Most people will say "yes" and those who don’t, at least it ends the wanting.
  • "Eight seconds beats 18 months." (22:30)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The gap between wanting and having is 8 seconds of sound coming from your mouth.” (23:40)
• “You could have everything you want for the price of 12 seconds per item.” (17:11)
• “If you don’t ask, you’re going to keep having these shower conversations. You’re going to keep perfecting your argument. You’re going to keep winning negotiations with people who aren’t there.” (22:08)
• “The person you need to ask, they probably already know you want it. They’re waiting for you to ask.” (23:00)
• “Either way, the wanting ends, you get it or you don’t. But you stop living in the gap.” (24:00)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – 02:50: Introduction to ending what doesn’t serve you and why we avoid it
• 03:00 – 06:30: The psychology of rehearsal vs. real asking; brain science behind wanting
• 07:00 – 10:50: Listing wants; our overestimation of rejection
• 10:51 – 13:45: Social compliance science: strangers say yes far more often than we think
• 13:46 – 15:30: Real-life case study: Jennifer Wu and the year of asking
• 15:31 – 18:20: The 8-second script and its practical power
• 18:21 – 20:50: The cost of not asking—mental bandwidth, relationships, identity
• 20:51 – 24:00: The final call to action and wrapping up with the importance of asking

Summary Takeaways

• Most of your unfulfilled desires exist simply because you haven’t asked.
• The brain makes you feel satisfied rehearsing but gives deeper, lasting reward for real outcomes.
• People say “yes” to direct requests far more than you think; the science is clear.
• The cost of not asking compounds: it robs mental energy, damages relationships, and shapes a lesser identity.
• Use the script: “I want __ because __. Can you make that work?”
• The real risk isn’t rejection; it’s years lost in imaginary negotiations.
• Just ask—eight seconds can change everything.

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