Podcast Summary: Lessons – You Have 40 Visits Left With Your Parents

Podcast: Success Story with Scott D. Clary
Host: Scott D. Clary
Release Date: September 2, 2025

Overview:

In this “Lessons” episode, host Scott D. Clary delivers a poignant, data-driven reflection on how little time most of us actually have left with our parents and loved ones. Scott urges listeners to confront the uncomfortable math of time remaining and to become intentional with how it’s spent. Through personal anecdotes, practical calculations, and actionable advice, he challenges the audience to reconsider the assumption of “plenty of time” and start making conscious, meaningful choices in relationships before it’s too late.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Shocking Math of Time Left with Loved Ones

• The “90% Rule”:
  • By age 35, most people have already spent over 90% of the total face-to-face time they will ever spend with their parents.
  • Quote:

    "Like last week I was interviewing a CEO for my podcast... he figured it out on his calculator. If he was lucky, he would have 48 more visits with his parents before they passed away." —Scott ([02:20])

• Breaking Down the Calculation:
  • First 18 years: Daily contact; three hours a day conservatively equals about 19,710 hours.
  • After moving out: 10 days per year at six hours per visit = 60 hours per year.
  • Assuming parents live to 85 (from age 70): 15 years × 60 = 900 hours.
  • Total lifetime hours: ≈20,610.
  • “You’ve already spent 95.6% of your time with your parents.” ([05:30])

The Qualitative Misconception

• Listeners often rationalize:
  • "But I talk to my mom every day..."
  • "Quality matters more than quantity..."
• Scott’s perspective:
  • Emotional closeness and regular phone calls are important, but not equivalent to sharing space and daily life. ([07:00])
  • Quote:

    "A daily phone call is wonderful... but a 10 minute call isn't the same as living in the same house." ([07:18])

Time Perception & Life Stages

• Time moves faster as we age:
  • For a child, a year is a significant fraction of lived experience, so it feels longer.
  • For adults, especially in busy life stages, time seems to accelerate.
  • This creates an 'asymmetry' where time is even more precious for aging parents who are acutely aware of their mortality.
  • Quote:

    "Your mom is 70. The next five years represent a huge chunk of her remaining life." ([09:20])

  • Simultaneously, adults are busiest exactly as their parents slow down and need them most.

Geography and Relationship Decay

• Increased mobility means most Americans now live far from their parents.
• Each increase in distance—from “next door” to “different country”—halves the frequency of visits.
  • Living next door: 100+ days/year
  • Same city: 40–50 days/year
  • Different city: 20–30 days/year
  • Different state: 10–15 days/year
  • Different country: 1–2 visits/year ([11:00])

This Pattern Extends Beyond Parents

• Applies to children, siblings, college friends, and even work colleagues:
  • Children: Most of your time with them is before they move out. ([12:10])
  • Siblings: Shared daily contact becomes occasional holidays.
  • College/work friends: Intense proximity becomes rare reunions or zero contact after life circumstances change.
• Quote:

  "Some relationships are meant to be intense but temporary. Others are meant to be occasional but permanent. The problem is we don’t usually choose consciously." ([13:32])

Reactions to the Truth

Scott outlines four typical emotional responses upon learning these statistics ([14:00]):

1. Denial (~30%): “Too depressing to think about.”
2. Panic/Quit Everything (~15%): Drastic, unsustainable changes.
3. Guilt (~40%): Feel terrible, but don’t act.
4. Adjustment (~15%): Make small, sustainable, intentional changes.

• Quote:

  "The 'adjustment' group… they schedule regular calls, plan visits, put their phones away, record conversations, take more photos… Small changes, but with only 900 hours left, it matters." ([15:08])

Practical, Sustainable Actions

Scott offers clear, actionable habits for improving connection within the time you have left ([16:20]):

• Weekly Scheduled Calls: Set and keep as “unmovable appointments.”
• Monthly Visits: Pick a specific day, make it recurring.
• Grandkid Video Chats: Weekly, even if brief.
• The “Question Project”: Ask and record stories about your parents’ or loved ones’ pasts each visit.
• Shared Activities: Watch or read the same things, discuss together.
• Say Yes by Default: When invited, default to “yes” for visits.
  • Quote:

    "The regularity matters more than the frequency... An extra phone call per week, that's 3% of your remaining time." ([15:43])

Memorable and Impactful Moments

• The CEO’s Revelation:
  A guest calculates he only has 48 more visits left with his parents and immediately leaves to visit them. ([02:15])
• Nursing Home Perspective:
  Elderly residents count down remaining visits; adult children “doing well” may only manage a few more before it’s too late.

  "'10 more times I’ll see my only child before I die. And she thinks she's doing great because she calls on my birthday.'" ([15:54])

• The Unspoken Truth:
  Parents are also doing the math, but don’t want to burden grown children with guilt.

  "Your mom’s counting, your dad’s counting… they're all counting." ([16:07])

Closing Wisdom

• Consciousness Is Key:
  The math “ticks away in the background” whether you know it or not. Confronting it and making intentional choices can prevent regret.
  • Quote:

    "When that day comes, you're either going to think, I'm so grateful for the time we had, or you're going to think, I wish I'd known how little time there was. The math doesn't care which one you choose. But you will." ([16:55])

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |------------|---------|-------| | 02:20 | Scott | “If he was lucky, he would have 48 more visits with his parents before they passed away.” | | 05:30 | Scott | "You’ve already spent 95.6% of your time with your parents." | | 07:18 | Scott | "A daily phone call is wonderful... but a 10 minute call isn't the same as living in the same house." | | 09:20 | Scott | "Your mom is 70. The next five years represent a huge chunk of her remaining life." | | 13:32 | Scott | "Some relationships are meant to be intense but temporary. Others are meant to be occasional but permanent. The problem is we don’t usually choose consciously." | | 15:08 | Scott | "They schedule regular calls, plan visits, put their phones away, record conversations, take more photos… Small changes, but with only 900 hours left, it matters." | | 15:43 | Scott | "An extra phone call per week, that's 3% of your remaining time." | | 15:54 | Scott | "'10 more times I'll see my only child before I die. And she thinks she's doing great because she calls on my birthday.'" | | 16:07 | Scott | "Your mom’s counting, your dad’s counting… they're all counting." | | 16:55 | Scott | "The math doesn't care which one you choose. But you will." |

Takeaway

You cannot stop time from moving, but you can choose how to use what’s left—intentionally and with presence. Know your number, make specific changes, and consciously cherish time with the people who matter most.