5/11/25 Move On: Boundaries - Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz

Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Move On: Boundaries
Release Date: May 10, 2025
Host: Ascension
Duration: 20-30 minutes

Introduction

In the May 10, 2025 episode of Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz, titled "Move On: Boundaries," Fr. Mike delves into the crucial role that personal boundaries play in our spiritual and everyday lives. Drawing from Scripture, personal anecdotes, and insightful literature, he provides a compelling guide on how setting boundaries can facilitate personal growth, maintain healthy relationships, and honor one's faith.

Scriptural Foundation

Fr. Mike begins his homily by reflecting on the Gospel reading from John 10:27-30, where Jesus speaks about His sheep recognizing His voice and the security of being in His and the Father's hands. This passage sets the stage for his discussion on boundaries, emphasizing the balance between divine guidance and personal responsibility.

[00:37] Fr. Mike: "This is the truth of life. You do what you can, but you can't do more than that."

The Necessity of Moving On

Fr. Mike addresses the universal experience of needing to move forward in various stages of life, such as graduation or significant life transitions. He emphasizes that moving on often requires making space and setting boundaries to let go of what no longer serves us.

[04:15] Fr. Mike: "In order to be able to move on, you might have to make space and actually guard that space."

Establishing Boundaries: Insights from Literature

Referencing the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. James Townsend, Fr. Mike explains how personal boundaries function similarly to physical property lines, delineating where one's responsibilities begin and end. This analogy helps listeners understand the importance of defining what behaviors they are willing to tolerate.

[10:45] Fr. Mike: "Personal boundaries help you to know where your responsibility begins and where your responsibility ends."

Practical Applications of Boundaries

Fr. Mike shares several poignant stories to illustrate the application of boundaries:

Friend and Mother Relationship: A friend grapples with honoring her mother's needs without enabling her destructive behavior. Fr. Mike advises setting clear boundaries, such as providing limited financial help contingent upon her mother seeking help.

[15:30] Fr. Mike: "To honor your parents doesn't mean you do everything they ask you, especially if you're simply perpetuating this self-destructive behavior."
Late-Night Crises: Fr. Mike discusses his approach to handling late-night calls from individuals in crisis, emphasizing the importance of establishing limits to prevent burnout while still offering support.

[22:50] Fr. Mike: "Boundaries are not an attempt to control someone else's behavior. It's choosing and then clearly communicating the behavior you're willing to tolerate."
Mother-Daughter Dynamics: An example of a daughter setting boundaries with her father to manage his inappropriate language during visits showcases the effectiveness of consistent boundary enforcement.

[30:10] Fr. Mike: "If you want my help, I need you to not speak like this."

Theological Perspective on Boundaries

Fr. Mike connects the concept of boundaries to theological teachings, highlighting that even God respects boundaries. He references Revelation 3:20, where Jesus stands at the door and knocks, illustrating God's respect for human free will and the boundaries He upholds.

[40:05] Fr. Mike: "Even God would say, 'I will go as far as I can, but I can't go farther than that.'"

He also shares insights from C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce," emphasizing that divine boundaries do not reflect human worth but acknowledge the dignity of free will.

[45:20] Fr. Mike: "We can wrestle with this reality that we need boundaries to move forward, but that doesn't mean we are rejected."

Maintaining Relationships Through Boundaries

Fr. Mike dispels the misconception that setting boundaries equates to rejecting others. Instead, he explains that boundaries are about nurturing healthy, sustainable relationships where mutual respect and understanding prevail.

[52:35] Fr. Mike: "Boundaries allow us to preserve relationships without being consumed by them."

Conclusion: Embracing Freedom and Faith

Fr. Mike concludes by reiterating that establishing and communicating clear boundaries is essential for personal freedom, healthy relationships, and spiritual growth. He reassures listeners that boundaries are not a rejection of others' worth but a testament to one's own dignity and faith.

[58:50] Fr. Mike: "You are free to walk away, but no one can take us from the Father's hand."

Key Takeaways

Boundaries are Essential: They help manage personal responsibilities and prevent emotional burnout.
Healthy Relationships Thrive on Boundaries: Clear limits foster mutual respect and understanding.
Theological Alignment: Setting boundaries aligns with divine teachings on free will and personal dignity.
Practical Implementation: Use real-life examples to apply boundary-setting strategies effectively.
Boundaries ≠ Rejection: They honor both parties' worth and facilitate healthier interactions.

This episode of Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz offers a profound exploration of boundaries as a necessary component for personal and spiritual development. By intertwining Scripture, personal stories, and practical advice, Fr. Mike provides listeners with actionable insights to navigate the complexities of life while staying true to their faith.

Transcript

A (0:00)

Hi, my name is Father Mike Schmitz. I am so excited to be joining the Courage under fire gala on May 23rd in Nashville, Tennessee. And I would love for you to be there, too. I believe that this world needs people of faith who are willing to live with clarity, conviction, and compassion. That's what this night is all about. Standing in truth, rooted in Christ and unshaken by the storms around us. You know this. We weren't made for comfort.

B (0:25)

We weren't.

A (0:26)

We were made for courage. So go to the Courage Under Fire gala by grabbing your ticket@courageunderfiregala.org that's courageunderfiregala.org.

B (0:37)

And God bless the Lord be with you. A reading from the Holy Gospel according to John. Glory to you, oh Lord. Chapter 10, verses 27 through 30. Jesus said, My sheep hear my voice. I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they shall never perish. No one can take them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me is greater than all. And no one can take them out of the Father's hand. The Father and I are one. The Gospel of the Lord. Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ. Please have a seat. So about two weeks ago or so, we started a series kind of concluding the year. Yesterday, our students had graduation. So all those students, it was time for them to move on. They're living this. The reality of life is that in so many times of our lives, the next thing we need to do is we just need to move on. Last week we talked about that. In some ways, sometimes in order to move on, we have to go back. But today we have to realize that. And sometimes in order to move on, we have to. We have to make space. What I mean by that is. Is one of the most painful parts of moving on is, I think, letting go. In the first reading today, it's the Acts of the Apostles. Here's Paul and Barnabas. And we know this. Paul and Barnabas are. They're preaching the gospel. They're preaching the gospel, too. They're preaching the gospel to the Jews because why? Because even Jesus says, salvation comes from the Jews. And so Jesus says, now I go to the Jews first. Like, this is why I came, for the people of Israel, for the kingdom of Israel. That's why Jesus came to the earth, for the Jews first. But what happens here at Antioch is many Jews said, yes, obviously, around the Middle east, many, many Jews came to faith in Christ, but not all. And at some point, we heard it today in the Gospel. At some point Paul and Barnabas had to say, okay, when it came to bringing the gospel to the Jews, we've done all that we can and now we have to move on. Because that's how it is, right? This. This recognition for every one of us. Sometimes you get. You give everything you can and then you realize, okay, I can't do more than that. This is the truth of life. You do what you can, but you can't do more than that. Paul and Barnabas had brought the gospel to the Jewish people as much as they possibly could, and. And then they realize, okay, I can't do more than this. And every one of us, when it comes time for us to belong to Jesus, when it comes to be a Christian, when it comes to live the life of Christ, at some point we realize, I've done everything I can and I can't do more than that. Like, the truth is, at some point, in order to be able to move on, you might have to make space. At some point, in order to be able to move on, you might have to actually make space and actually guard that space. So one of my favorite books I recommend to so many People is by Dr. Dr. Henry Clouden and Dr. James Townsend, this book called Boundaries. And this book is so helpful because most of us don't have a boundary. Most of us don't have a sense of, when should I stop? When should I start? In fact, the thesis of the book is this. It's like. Like physical property lines, personal boundaries help you to know where your responsibility begins and where your responsibility ends. It helps you know what you should take ownership of and what you shouldn't take ownership of. I mean, just think about, like, personal or physical property lines. So you have a yard next to your neighbor for the most part. If you have a healthy relationship with your neighbor, no problem. It's great. You don't need to actually know exactly where the property line is. Maybe there's a tree right there on the property line somewhere on your side or the other person's side, and you don't really know. It doesn't really matter. It's just. It's maybe even your shared tree. But what if the tree on my side is hanging over my neighbor's house and is in danger of collapsing on my neighbor's house? Now, if we have a good relationship, we can figure out what we need to do with this tree. But if we don't have a good relationship, then we absolutely need to understand what is the property boundary here. Why? Because who is principally responsible for this tree? If it does fall. If it doesn't fall, whose fault is it? And it's one of those situations where I think Robert Frost said this. He said, good fences make good neighbors. I think he was actually calling to mind that idea. But I think, like, no, no, bro, you're onto something, because good fences make good neighbors. If things are great, again, if things are healthy, doesn't really matter. Don't need a fence. Also, at the other extreme, we actually. We realize that boundaries aren't necessarily walls. It's not like a wall or like a castle. It's more like a fence that has a gate. If. A gate. Yeah. Hey, come on over. If things are good, you can come into my property through the gate. That's wonderful. But also, if things are. If I might need to keep you out, I can close that gate. Might need to shut the gate. Because why? Because every one of us are made for community, right? We're made for each other. But even though we're made for each other, even as Christians, we're made to love everyone. You must never lose control over your own space. Even though, as Christians, we're devoted to Jesus, we must never lose control of our own space. If your neighbor is not taking care of their property, that can have a negative effect on your property. It's what's called trespassing. And this recognition of being able to say that if I'm going to take care of my property, I need to know what my boundaries are. Because we all have people in our lives who seem to not respect the boundaries, or they either don't know the boundary or they don't respect the boundary. So what we need to do is what Paul and Barnabas did in the first reading today. At some point, point, it's like, okay, we've done all we can. We can't go any further. This is the line. This is the choice. If you want to belong to Jesus, God loves you so much, come on over. If you don't, we're going to move on. And every one of us gets to do that. In fact, every one of us has to do that. Why? Because when boundaries are unclear, you can't move on. When boundaries are unclear, you can't move on. And what ends up happening is you get the behavior you're willing to tolerate. Now, I talk to people who I recommend the book Boundaries, talk about this. And so many people say this. They say, well, I tried it. It didn't work. Listen, boundaries is not something you try, it's something you do. It's like Yoda. I Mean it is not something you make an attempt at. It is something you have to live. In fact, realize this boundaries are not an attempt to control someone else's behavior or someone else's responses to something you do. It's choosing and then clearly communicating the behavior you're willing to tolerate. Why? Because we get the behavior we're willing to tolerate. Number of years ago I was in seminary and a woman that I've known for many, many years, a really good friend, she called because she had a big problem. Her big problem was this. Her problem was that her mom was reaching out to her and needed money. Now when this friend of mine was 13 years old, her mom abandoned her and her siblings and their father and she went down this road of self destructive behavior, down this road of addiction, down this road of just really again, self destructive behavior. Now my friend has reached out to her mom over the years, her teen years, her twenties, just saying, mom, let me be part of your life. And her mom would always maybe open the door, but most often shut her out even. She'd come back with her first child and say, mom, I want you to meet your granddaughter. Just meet her. No time. But when she was in trouble, that's when she'd call my friend. And so one night my friend calls and says, okay, my mom is in big trouble. She's going to lose her apartment if I don't give her like a couple thousand dollars. If I don't give my mom a couple thousand dollars, she's going to be homeless, she's been on the street and it'll be my fault. And I mean, I think the Bible says something about commandment number four, honor your father, mother, how do I do this? How do I honor my mom without enabling her behavior? Will I be sinning if I don't help her? And we talked it through and it was one of the situations where the reality is to honor someone is not to enable bad behavior. That she had made it clear that she wanted to be part of her mom's life. And her mom made it clear to her that she was only interested in her daughter if she was willing to help her continue her destructive behavior. So I told my friend, I said, you know, to honor your parents doesn't mean you do everything they ask you, especially if you're simply perpetuating this self destructive behavior. So you can say no. You also could, if you wanted to, you could say, mom, I will only give you this money so you can keep your apartment. If you're willing to take this next step like if you're willing to go to rehab, if you're willing to take those steps to actually get help. No, that's not ultimately an ultimatum as much as it is. That's a boundary. I'm willing to tolerate this behavior. What behavior? I will help you if you help yourself. If you're not willing to help yourself, then I'm not going to help you to have a clear boundary there because I'm not willing to enable the bad behavior that might hurt my mom further. I remember talking to a bunch of other counselors and priests, and I know myself a lot of times, you know, we have situations where we have students or we have people in our lives who will call us in the middle of the night and they're in some kind of crisis. And I kind of have a policy. I have a policy that is whenever someone calls me, if they're in a crisis, 11 o' clock, 12 o' clock, 1 o' clock at night, like, no, okay, I'm going to answer the phone. We're gonna. I'm gonna stay on the phone as long as you need. Why? Because I want this person to know that they matter. I want this person to know that, no, I'm taking their issue seriously. If they need help in that moment, like, we need to go get help, then we'll do that. Do that once or twice. And then after that, I'll always establish a boundary. I say, okay, you know, I want to be there for you, but here's my boundary. My boundary is if you call after 11:30, if you call after midnight, if you call after 1, I'll answer. And if you're really in crisis, we're going to go to the hospital. Like, if you really need help right now, I will get up, I'm going to come to your place, we're going to go to the hospital. If you don't need help right now, then we're gonna hang up on each other and we're gonna talk tomorrow morning. And it's just one of those clear boundaries that's just like, no, this is kind of what has to happen if we're gonna help each other. Because this is not just one person helping the other. This is us actually helping each other. In fact, I know so many Christians who are like, yeah, but I have to say yes. I'm like, well, say yes to what? I have to say yes to my brother, my sister, who's in need. I've seen this so many times, so many times. Where here's a person that. That's in great need one even member of our community is like, I just. I care so much about this person. I want to help them. And they make themselves 100% completely available whenever this person in need needs help. And what happens every time is at some point they say, I can't do it anymore. Say, I really want to love this person who's in need. And at some point they say, I can't do it anymore. Why? Because they didn't have any boundaries. Now, what would have been more helpful is to say, this is to say, hey, I'm willing to to your place. I'm willing to call, talk to you on the phone once a week. And if you want to do more than that, I'm sorry, I just can't do that. What happens is if someone doesn't have boundaries, at some point, they're not able to care. If someone doesn't have boundaries, at some point, their love gets to a place where it's, I can't sustain this anymore. And we get to do this. In fact, I say that we have to do this. Why? Because we end up getting the behavior we're willing to tolerate. I remember coming across a story about a woman who. Her father was a widow. Widower. Her father was a widower. And after his mom had passed or his wife had passed on, he was just all by himself for long periods of time. And so his daughter, I think her name was Anne, Ann decided, okay, I'm going to go over. I want to make sure dad has groceries every week. So Anne made a thing, said, dad, I would like to take you every Saturday morning I'm coming to your house, and I want to take you grocery shopping with me, get you groceries for the week. We can spend some time together and then come back to your house, put the groceries away, and then I'm going to go back to take care of my family. Problem was, Ann's dad was just. He had very crude language that really, really upset Ann. And if she ever brought her kids along, she's like, I don't want them hearing their grandfather talk like this. And so at one point in, instead of saying, I'm going to cut this person out of my life, what Ann said is, dad, I want to help you. I want to help you get groceries. I want to spend time with you. I want to be able to bring your grandkids over and spend time with you. But I'm not willing to tolerate this, your language. And so if you want my help, I need you to not speak like this. So the next Saturday, she comes over. And her dad right away just, you know, blurts out whatever kind of, you know, crude thing. And she's like, well, Dad, I sorry, I wanted to help you this Saturday, but I'll see you next Saturday. And he's like, wait, wait, wait. What? She's like, no, I told you that I'm. I want to help you, I want to take care of you, I want to help you get groceries, but if you're going to talk like that, I'll come back next Saturday. So came back next Saturday and first started out okay, and then like maybe half an hour in, then he lets it loose. And she's like, dad, I thought you wanted to help this weekend, but some other time. He's like, are you serious? Yes, I'm serious. And she left. Comes back the next Saturday and it goes well for maybe two, three more Saturdays. And then the fourth Saturday it lets it loose again. She's like, dad, I thought you wanted my help, but apparently you don't, so see you next Saturday. And that was it. That was this establishing. People say, like, I tried establishing boundaries. Yeah, but did you actually have any consequences to those boundaries? Here's this daughter who loves her father. She didn't cut him out of her life, but she did say, this is the behavior I'm willing to tolerate. Why? Because we get the behavior we willing to tolerate. I remember the first time this happened. One of our Focus missionaries, I had this meeting with our first team director we ever had. This is so many years ago and sitting at this coffee shop, we're having one on one. And at one point our director of campus ministry, Heather texted me and I'm like, oh, Heather asked about this thing right after this and I pulled my phone out and said, oh. Heather asked such and such. I'm saying no. And I put it down. And then our team director looked at me, she said, could you please not text when we're having our one on one meetings? I was like, oh yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I just, you know, I just. Heather asked me a question, I just said no. She's like, I understand. Could you please not text when we're having a one on one meetings? I'm like, oh, yeah. So that was the last time I ever pulled out my phone during her one on one meetings. Other people, I don't care. They didn't tell me because why? Because we get the behavior we're willing to tolerate. And God is the same. Think about revelation. We heard revelation in the second reading today. There's another part in the book of Revelation, chapter three, where. Where Jesus says, He says, behold, I stand at the door and knock. Jesus isn't going to barge in, he realizes, because there's a boundary. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. Anyone who opens the door, I'll come in and eat with him, he with me. But there's a boundary that God respects. Even God would say, I will go as far as I can. But I can't go farther than that. Think of it, even just man. How many times in the Old Testament, Isaiah, chapter 65, where God says, all day long I held out my hands to a rebellious people, just begging them to come back, but I can't force them back. In fact, one of my Favorite Books by C.S. lewis is a book called the Great Divorce. And the Great Divorce is this difference, the divorce, the difference between heaven and hell. And so the idea is, here's CS Lewis having this vision where he's in the grey town, which ultimately is hell. But he leaves and he goes to these plains of heaven. And at one point all these angels and saints come from the far off mountain to greet these ghosts and try to convince them to choose heaven. At one point, C.S. lewis asks his guide, the one who comes to invite him to heaven, he asks him, he says, why don't they go even further? Why don't they come all the way down to hell to rescue us? And his guide says, he says, every one of us, these saints and angels, every one of us lives only to go further and further into the heart of the Father, into the heart of God. But every one of us has taken a break in that journey to come back on the chance that one of you would say yes to him. Like, we can't. If we could go further, we would, but we can't. Because at some point, if you have that boundary, you're not going to. In fact, there's this one woman, and the thing that's keeping her in hell is she's a complainer, She's a grumbler. There's nothing that she's grateful for, nothing she's happy about. And at one point, C.S. lewis asks his guide and says, says that seems so strange that, that she'd stay out of heaven because she just complains too much. And his guide said, no. If there is even the smallest spark of something that's not a grumble in her, we'll gently blow on that spark until it bursts into a flame that is blazing. But if there's not even a spark, we're not going to go on blowing ashes into Our eyes forever. At some point we realize, I've done what I can, like Paul and Barnabas, I've done all that I can and I can't do anymore. Now I know the question comes up and says, well, when do I cut them out of my life? The answer is, you don't ever cut someone out of your life. Essentially, when it comes to boundaries, we're not cutting someone out of our lives. What we're doing is we're setting clear boundaries for ourselves. And then people self select out of our lives because they are not willing to tolerate or not willing to accept the boundaries that we've set for ourselves. To not do this is to make oneself incapable of moving on. Whether that's boundaries with family members or with best friends for a lifetime, or with co workers or with your boss or with anyone in your life. We need to act, absolutely establish boundaries. Because I cannot move on unless I make space. Now here's the last thing. What if someone establishes boundaries for you? Okay, it's good to know this. It's good to know that to receive someone's boundaries is not to be rejected. It's not a reflection of your. Of your worth. Why? Because what's your worth here? In the gospel, what does Jesus say? He doesn't say that I came to claim the strong and the wise, the brave and the good. The. Here's Jesus who says, no, I came to. Came to claim you, that you are the sheep of my pasture. You are one of my flock. I just came across a story recently of the reality of that thing called the bummer lamb. I don't know if you've ever heard of the bummer lamb. Occasionally when a lamb gives birth or, sorry, sheep gives birth to a lamb for whatever reason, sometimes the mother sheep will. Will reject the lamb. There's no, there's no rhyme or reason to it. But sometimes that mom will just reject the lamb. That's what has to happen. It's called that's the bummer lamb. So what has to happen is unless the shepherd steps in and does something, that sheep, that lamb will die. And so what the shepherd does is the shepherd goes, that lamb that's been rejected picks it up and brings it into his own home. And he'll warm it by the fire and he'll feed it from a bottle. And a couple times a day he'll pick up that lamb and just talk to the lamb, hold the lamb and talk to the lamb. That's the lamb that's been rejected by its mom. It's been rejected by those who shouldn't have rejected it. And then when it gets strong enough, he releases it back into the flock of lambs. And this person telling the story said, I once saw early in the morning, a shepherd get up and walked out to his field, and he just called out, sheep, sheep, sheep. Let him know he was calling the sheep to him to feed them. And she said, the first of the lambs, the first of the sheep that came running to him. Although all the lambs walked towards the shepherd, the first lambs that ran to the shepherd were each bummer lambs. They were lambs that had been rejected, but the shepherd had embraced them. See, this is the thing that so many of us, we can wrestle with, this reality that, yes, we need boundaries. If we're going to move forward, we're going to move on. We absolutely need boundaries. But that's not the same thing as being rejected. Yes, God himself has boundaries. He has behaviors that he's willing to tolerate, behaviors that he's not willing to tolerate. But that doesn't reflect your worth or my worth. What it reflects is this actually is the great dignity that has been entrusted to you that you're free. You and I are free to walk away, but no one can take us from the father's hand. You and I are free to go and live whatever life we want to live, but no one can steal us from the father. We do what we can, and we can't do more than that. But in each and every one of our lives, every one of us, if we're going to move on, we need boundaries. If we're going to move on, we need to know that we get the behavior we're willing to tolerate. So for life, for freedom, and for good relationships, to establish and communicate clear boundaries is what we need to be able to move on.