Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 307 3/29/26

Summary

Sunday Papers Ep. 307 – March 29, 2026

Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons
Theme: Hilariously dissecting the week’s biggest (and weirdest) news stories with banter, personal updates, and listener engagement.

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Episode Overview

This week, Greg and Mike kick off with some holiday talk (Palm Sunday and Greg's milestone birthday), chat about upcoming personal plans, riff on their comedy careers, and then dig into a wild assortment of news stories. Personal misfires with text humor, a macabre cornhole/murder case, Trump’s obsession with having his name everywhere, and legal/ethical quandaries are just a few of the episode’s many highlights. The tone balances sharply between irreverence and genuine friendship, with a steady undercurrent of banter and comedic insight.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Palm Sunday, Easter, and Greg’s 60th Birthday

• [01:36–05:41]
  • Banter on the meaning of Palm Sunday, leading to a farcical reconstruction of Christian chronology.
  • Greg announces his 60th birthday coinciding with Easter: "And Easter Sunday will be, in fact, my 60th birthday this year." (04:10)
  • Birthday party plans: 60s theme, Mexican food, blackjack, disco ball, massage chair—"We got three cooks making Mexican food… a bartender… a dance floor with a disco ball." (04:25)
  • Mike to give a speech; Greg wonders who else should speak, noting ex-wife and her ex will be there after years of not talking.

2. Upcoming Breaks and Joshua Tree Vacation

• [07:15–08:51]
  • Mike’s new TV job – co-EP and head writer for Netflix’s Kevin Hart Roast, part of the GOAT series; fast turnaround, slated for May 10th. Shane Gillis to host, Jeff Ross involved (09:07).
  • Greg taking his family to Joshua Tree, frustrated by "Sound Bath" sessions being booked six months in advance.
  • Banter over entrepreneurial ideas: street hot dog carts, competing sound baths, opening a dermatologist's office due to insane wait times in LA.

3. Comedy, Friendships & Text Message Misfires

• [11:55–17:13]
  • Both recount recent gaffes where humor via text landed poorly, some with near-strangers, some with close friends:
    • Mike’s friend texted: “I have therapy at 5 and it’s important because I’m pretty suicidal.” Mike replied with dark humor, later feeling like “such a bad friend.” (12:57)
    • Greg lost a sublet opportunity after joking about an affair in a text to a new contact: “Yeah, we’ve been having a torrid affair on set.” (15:10)
    • Notion that texting cuts down comedic nuance: "I gotta pull my comedy back 35 to 40% on texts." (13:24)

4. Listener Corrections and Feedback

• [17:56–23:37]
  • Listener factcheck: Augusta National admitted its first Black member in 1990; Tiger won Masters in 1997—Greg and Mike riff on diversity "box-checking."
  • Greg defends his sometimes “gross” stories after a listener comment: “Well, I’m gross. I don’t know what to say. I’m married. I’m happily married.” (23:03)
  • Meta banter on firing back at criticism: “I think you used to be grosser.” (23:08)

5. Standup Gigs, Gotham Studios, & Listener Submissions

• [23:37–28:08]
  • Greg plugs upcoming standup dates: Bakersfield, Escondido, Brea Improv, Boston, etc.
  • Shouts out Gotham Production Studios for production and tutorial videos on podcasting.

6. Weird, Absurd, and Dark News Stories

The Armless, Legless Cornhole Murder Case

• [28:08–33:39]
  • The guys riff relentlessly on a viral story about a professional cornhole player (with no arms or legs) accused of murder—unleashing a flurry of tasteless but creative puns and one-liners.
    • “The only way she could kill somebody would be during a blowjob.” (28:58, Greg)
    • “Imagine CSI trying to dust for prints.” (29:22, Mike)
    • Update: Murder actually committed with a gun—more jokes about literal meaning of being ‘armed’ or ‘unarmed.’

Melania, Trump, and Humanoid Robots

• [33:43–34:49]
  • Melania Trump attends a summit with a humanoid robot. The guys compare the robot’s affectless presence to Melania’s own: “That robot was like, damn, woman. I thought every word out of my mouth was pre-programmed and emotionless.” (34:22, Greg)

Trump’s Name on US Currency, More Name-Branding

• [34:49–36:39]
  • Trump pushing to put his signature on US dollars, a $1 coin with his face, and rename public buildings for himself.
    • "Now it’s currency… But it’s a race to the bank before he declares bankruptcy.” (35:56, Mike)
    • “He’s already mailing in the presidency.” (44:19, Greg, on Trump voting by mail.)

TSA Shutdown and Gov’t Gridlock

• [36:39–39:08]
  • Ongoing government budget impasse might halt TSA operations; hosts joke about TSA agents surviving on seized items and giving pro-travel tips.

Social Media Lawsuit: Meta & Google Fined

• [39:42–43:33]
  • $6M awarded to a woman suffering depression from compulsive childhood social media use.
    • “If we’re giving out money, what about me? …I haven’t written a new joke since TikTok started…” (40:14, Greg)
    • Lead-in about how comics “can’t keep up” with the rise of arena acts ("Fluffy" and Joe Koy selling out stadiums).

Voter Fraud and Mail-In Ballots

• [43:41–45:21]
  • Irony of anti-voting-fraud Trump voting by mail from Mar-a-Lago.
  • Gently mocking the minuscule rates of actual voter fraud (“it begins with point zero zero...”).

7. Ethical Questions & Family Quandaries

• [45:39–49:56]
  • Should a friend report her ex-husband (a schoolteacher) for years of tax evasion? Both hosts largely say “No”—too destructive for a minor crime.
    • “If it was like he was a pedophile or a murderer, then you gotta stop him… Not taxes.” (47:28, Greg)
  • Rapid-fire on ethical questions around showbiz commissions and vaccine-opposed friends.

8. Weird Crime: Florida & Texas

Florida Woman Urinates on Airbnb Items for Content

• [50:11–52:34]
  • Woman’s adult site videos show her peeing on property—hosts marvel at the logistics and suggest “rub her nose in it” as punishment.

Texas Man Murders Grandmother Over Allowance

• [52:41–55:10]
  • 21-year-old arrested for shooting grandmother in dispute over lost allowance.
    • “If you can shoot your grandmother and get that body out, you can get a job.” (54:15, Greg)

9. Sports: LA Marathon, NCAA, Sweet 16 Segment

• [55:10–59:21]
  • LA Marathon gave medals at 18 miles due to heat—hosts lament the “most LA thing ever.” (56:02)
  • Mike’s marathon story: gives medal to dad as treadmill motivation, which is then ignored.
  • Sweet 16 best news stories of 2025—vote for favorites: drunk raccoon CPR, golden toilet theft, LA wildfires, giant squid footage.

10. Trivia, History & Obits

• [65:57–73:43]
  • Birthday/death trivia for Mariah Carey, Milton Berle, Viagra’s invention (1998), and Wayne Gretzky’s last goal.
  • Obituaries: Robert Mueller, Valerie Perrine (noted for her close brush with Manson murders and Playboy covers).

11. The Funnies: Comics & Contest

• [73:51–78:35]
  • Caption contest for a Tesla Cybertruck cartoon.
  • Recaps of Hagar, The Horrible, Lockhorns, The Onion (“Nation Already Sick of Baseball”), and Blondie.
  • Blonde’s matrimonial passion—questionable.
  • Plug for Miracle Maid sheets with promo code.
  • Closing: Hanano bar rooftop Weezer show announcement, complaints about LA concert ticket prices.

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Noteworthy Quotes & Moments

• Greg (on Palm Sunday): "Palm Sunday is when Jesus Christ was murdered, no?" [01:50]
• Mike (on the armless, legless cornhole murder): "Imagine CSI trying to dust for prints." [29:22]
• Greg (about being a 'gross' comic): "Well, I’m gross. I don’t know what to say. I’m married. I’m happily married." [23:03]
• Mike (on Marathon medals): "I literally thought I got lucky and didn’t believe I really could run a marathon. So I ran it again. That’s how much I think I’m an imposter." [57:08]
• Greg (on new stadium comic acts): “Are they 70 times funnier than I am?” [41:18]

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Important Timestamps

• 01:33 – Show start, Palm Sunday, Easter/Birthday plans
• 09:07 – Mike’s new job: Kevin Hart roast at Netflix
• 12:57 – Comedy misfires over text; “I’m such a bad friend”
• 17:56 – Listener correction: Augusta National, diversity
• 28:08 – The cornhole player with no arms/legs murder story
• 33:43 – Melania and the robot at the White House
• 34:49 – Trump’s name on the dollar bill
• 36:39 – TSA shut down woes, travel tips
• 39:42 – $6M awarded for social media addiction lawsuit
• 43:41 – Mail-in ballots and Trump hypocrisy
• 45:39 – Ethical question: snitch on a teacher for tax evasion?
• 50:11 – Florida woman pees on Airbnbs for content
• 52:41 – Texas: man shoots grandmother over allowance
• 55:10 – LA Marathon medals at 18 miles story
• 57:08 – Mike’s story: marathon medal to dad
• 59:22 – Sweet 16 segment: drunk raccoon, golden toilet, etc.
• 65:57 – Trivia: Mariah Carey, Viagra, Gretzky
• 71:02 – Obituaries: Robert Mueller, Valerie Perrine
• 73:51 – Comics, caption contest, Blondie discussion
• 79:00 – Weezer Hanano rooftop concert announcement

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Tone and Takeaways

• Language and Tone: Irreverent, self-deprecating, fast-paced comedic riffing. The hosts balance dark humor with genuine moments of friendship and vulnerability.
• For Listeners: Even those unfamiliar with the podcast can jump in and enjoy a mix of topical news, comedy industry insights, personal stories, and running gags.
• Memorable and Relatable: The episode excels when mining personal and cultural mishaps for humor—the texting blunders, aging in showbiz, and skewering current events with gleeful cynicism.

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Summary for Newcomers

If you missed the episode, you can expect a laughter-heavy dive through the week’s strangest headlines, peppered with behind-the-scenes comedy tales, social observations, and listener interaction. It's a uniquely candid, witty blend of news commentary and personal riffing that gives the feeling of eavesdropping on two old friends—both working comics—who are just as ready to mock themselves as they are the world around them.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Cono fertas que no es peras buenos precios para loque husas todos los dias descarga TikTok Aura. Springfest is happening now at Lowe's. Keep the spotlight on your yard with stay green premium 2 cubic foot mulch. 5 bags for $10. Plus, when you want more help indoors, get up to 40% off. Select major appliances that help you supercharge your chores. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid to 422 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See lowe's.com for details. Mulch offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii.

[A]

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[B]

Get a little Sunday, everybody.

[A]

Yep. Have a good Sunday it is. Today would be Palm Sunday, I believe. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, follow that stuff. What happened on Palm Sunday?

[A]

Palm Sunday is when Jesus Christ was murdered,

[B]

no?

[A]

Oh, I think maybe. What, didn't he walk on palms or something? Didn't they throw palms down for him to walk on?

[B]

Good Lord.

[A]

Maybe this is after he was captured and brought to wrong Start Jerusalem by.

[B]

All right, let's try to figure it out. You ready?

[A]

Pontius Pilate arrested Jesus.

[B]

Oh, you looked it up?

[A]

No, I'm just off the top my head. I was raised Catholic. I know this shit, right? And they. I guess he had already had the last supper and Judas fucking sold him out. Notice Jew in the name Judas.

[B]

Oh, well, so is Christmas.

[A]

Did you. Did you look it up?

[B]

No, I'm looking at the calendar. So we got. We got Palm Sunday, right? It's a week before Easter Sunday.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In this fantastical, magical story that a good deal of the planet believes in. And so a week from today, we're recording this on Friday. Good Friday is when he was killed, right?

[A]

Good Friday. Yes. Yeah, I'm exactly right. I'm reading it on AI. It celebrated the Sunday before Easter. It recalls crowds spreading palm branches honoring Jesus as king and Messiah. The event represents a symbolic, humble arrival. So, yeah, I was exactly right for a change.

[B]

And in between is April Fools. And Jesus did a little, like. He did that pretending to walk on water, but it was just really. It was like a puddle. And so he played that trick on the disciples. That's.

[A]

Well, he didn't walk on water.

[B]

He.

[A]

He was actually water skiing, which is fucking hard before motorboats. Yeah. So that was kind of a miracle.

[B]

All right. Yeah, I think we. I think we. I think we got it all done. And then Orthodox easter is in two

[A]

weeks, and Easter Sunday will be, in fact, my 60th birthday this year. Wow. Yep. Yep. And you are invited to a party at my house.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's gonna be pretty big. We got. We got three cooks making Mexican food. We got a bartender. We've got. Matt Malloya is gonna deal blackjack. We've got a massage chair in one of the bedrooms. Somebody's gonna be giving massages to everybody. We got a dance floor with a disco ball.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

The whole thing is 60s themed. Everybody's wearing tie dye shirts and hippie stuff. We have tons of 60s decorations. The whole playlist is going to be 60s music.

[B]

I should break out the suit you forced me to wear at your wedding, because that's. That's 60s.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

No, I. That thing. I was gonna say I lit it on fire, but that fabric wouldn't burn. It was like 100. I don't know what that was, man, but, boy, was that a hot day, too.

[A]

Yeah. Sharks. I had El. My groomsmen and shark skin suits.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now here's the thing, Mike. I don't want to put you on the spot, but at my birthday party, we are going to set up a microphone, and I'm going to ask some people to say a few words. And I would be honored if you would say something.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Birthday party.

[B]

Of course I will. Are you kidding me?

[A]

I love it.

[B]

Yeah. I'll intro the light.

[A]

We'll give you the light.

[B]

Can Gubbins play a belligerent Irish person while I'm doing it? I'd like.

[A]

I'm wondering who else should speak. I think. Should Tom o' Neill speak?

[B]

Of course he should. If his teeth aren't clicking too loudly in his head. His second set of new teeth, maybe.

[A]

Second set. And then I'm thinking Mary Fitz should say a few words.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Here's what's going to be interesting. And I don't know if I should speak about this publicly on the podcast, but Mary will be there and so will her. Her ex, who she has not talked to in many years.

[B]

Right. Well, you know how to. You know how to bring people together there.

[A]

I. You know what? It's fucking time. They're both awesome people. They had a lot of great years together. And you know what? People break up and you just gotta. You gotta make peace with. Especially if you. Mutual friends. You gotta make peace.

[B]

Yeah. And Irish never hold grudges. It's. I'm sure. Fine. No, yeah.

[A]

So. All right, good. So you'll speak and.

[B]

Oh, boy. Pressure is.

[A]

Maybe Gubbins. Maybe Gubbins will em. See it.

[B]

That'd be fantastic.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. What's going on with you? Congratulations. Are we talking about the new job you got?

[B]

Yeah, we can do that because we're not around next week, right?

[A]

Next week we're gonna take a break.

[B]

I'm gonna be having nothing to do with me listeners.

[A]

No, I'll be in Joshua Tree with my family. My sister's coming out. We're going on a vacation in the desert.

[B]

Are you gonna go do that sound bath?

[A]

Couldn't get a. It's booked up six month in advance. It's crazy.

[B]

They have to have alternate ones or. Why aren't we opening one?

[A]

I know.

[B]

This is what we should do. We should find the hot spots. You and I should open a hot dog stand across the street from Pink's Hot Dogs. Because they have those stupid artificial lines because they're so slow. I mean, hot dogs, it's street food. It's supposed to be so fast. I mean, at a ball game it. Hot dogs are always. Because think about it. It's like the fast sandwich, right? I'm going to put a rolled up piece of meat in a bun that. Shaped like the rolled up piece of meat. There's no lettuce, there's no two pieces of bread. Here you go. And Pink somehow has figured out how to do it the slowest way possible.

[A]

No, all you got to do is go to a hot dog's cart in New York City and see seven people get hot dogs in under two minutes.

[B]

Exactly. And so then the sound bath is our other thing in the desert. We're going to open a competing sound bath across from that guy.

[A]

Right.

[B]

We should also be a dermatologist in this goddamn town. They're telling me it's like four and a half, five Months for the first appointment. I'm like, well, why don't you just charge $3,000 a visit? I mean, I don't understand how all of it works.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Anyway, wait, I don't. I'm not gonna do that. I had a. All right, all right.

[A]

The new job. Tell people what your new job is.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we didn't even get to that. So. New job. So they're going to follow up the Tom Brady roast. They try to a year ago, but I guess it was very difficult to book. And it also was at the Netflix comedy festival, which is every two years. So the Kevin Hart roast on Netflix, part of the goat series of roasts greatest of all time, is going to be May 10th at the Forum here in Los Angeles. And so I'm going to, I'm going to reprise my role as like co EP and head writer of that. So we're off to the races.

[A]

I brought it up last week because I had just, I literally had just read before we started that they were roasting him and you said you had no idea if they were going to offer you the job.

[B]

That was true. That was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It wasn't even like, oh, I kind of got a hint I'd be offered and then I didn't know if I'd do it. It wasn't even that. I had zero communication. But it happened fast because it's in six weeks, so.

[A]

Six weeks. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, I know. May.

[A]

Do we know who the other roasters are?

[B]

No. Shane Gillis is hosting.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

I know, that's great. And is there someone else? No, those, those two are kind of what I've heard.

[A]

Well, Jeff Ross, obviously.

[B]

Right, of course. Jeff Ross, Roastmaster General.

[A]

I would imagine some awesome of the other Austin comedians like Tony Hinchcliffe, I would imagine is in the running.

[B]

I believe so because he did so well on Brady.

[A]

Maybe Nikki Glazer will be in there.

[B]

Yeah, you know, I, I, right now they're saying it's the, like the booking is starting, so I don't know. And they, you know, the last roast went over three hours, so. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. But I'd rather talk about. Oh, man, I need more unders in this March madness. Bet that I'm in. I bet.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Every single under and through right now, get this, it is exactly even.

[A]

Alright, so there's been 40 something games in March Madness and as far as unders and overs, there's been the same number of unders as overs.

[B]

Yeah. Last night was Thursday night and There were four games, three overs, which bummed me out, and one under, and that brought us to even.

[A]

Okay, well, not that this isn't compelling material, but let's move on.

[B]

I think everyone needs to when you're watching these games, just fundamentals. Slow it down, use the clock. I want everyone on my side. I need that mojo out there. These kids should not be going for the glory. No threes and please, no overtimes and

[A]

no fouling with two minutes left when you're down by 17 points. Yeah.

[B]

Hey, all right, wait. One short thing. I don't. I guess this is funny. It's also serious, but. So a friend of mine. I'm not going to say who, a friend of mine texts me. And we were trying to get together yesterday, right? And I go, a 1pm meeting just got scheduled. This is me texting, but there's a chance I could come after. And he goes, I have therapy at 5 and it's important because I'm pretty suicidal. So I go, ha. And I go, good news is Scooter Death will beat you to suicide. Because I'm gonna give him, I think, my scooter. I have an old scooter that's like, worth nothing, right? Cut down a little way longer because we're talking about when I could get the scooter there. And he then apologizes to me and goes, sorry, man, I'm just. In a really bad way. And I'm trying to get the family on food stamps. And I'm like. I literally just did a.

[A]

Like, oh, you're such a bad friend.

[B]

It's the worst. It's the worst. But I say that because anyone, anyone who ever dares to make a joke or make light things has been in these situations. So I just figured I'd show. Share it. Cause that's a doozy. That one is not good.

[A]

You know, it's fucking. I realize I gotta. I gotta pull my comedy back 35 to 40% on texts. Because just this week I have offended two people with jokes I made to them, you know, teasing them. And they take it the wrong way, right?

[B]

No. Oh, I'm with you. All right. Here's another. You know, I just said that. That just reminded me. Here's another one I did to a stranger I've never met the first day of texting. So it was a friend of our friends down in Florida. And he's like. And it totally was just like a friend thing. But I got to the place first and. Hold on. And anyway, she was coming and I'm like, oh, do you want me to get you a drink? So the drink arrived and, and I took a photo of it and I sent it to her. Hold on. And, well, this is. Sorry, I'm just trying to find it in this text chain, but it's worth it. So here we go. Oh, So I got a drink and she's like, oh, like Tajin on the rim or whatever it is. So I'm like, you're like, all right. So I send her a picture of the drink to confirm, and I go, there's the picture. And I go, tahin and Roofie, right?

[A]

Oh,

[B]

yeah. I just totally decided to take a chance. And no response. So now I'm waiting in a Mexican restaurant or bar to see. First of all, am I going to be drinking that Tajin drink? Because I just like, why do you. Why? What is it the need to be. You know, that's what we do, right? We want to win approval.

[A]

I, when I was writing on Crashing in New York, I needed a sublet really bad. And the makeup girl had, what was it? She had a friend who was subletting a place right in Williamsburg, right where we were shooting Big place, cheap. And so I texted with her, I said, hey, yeah, it's Greg. I'm interested in the apartment. And she goes, oh, cool. Yeah, so I hear, you know Nicole. I go, oh, yeah, we've been having a torrid affair on set. She doesn't text me back and ghosts me. And then the makeup girl stops talking to me. And I was like a pariah in the makeup department for the rest of the series.

[B]

This should have been Louis. This should have been Louis defense. Like. And then I asked if she was wanted to do this and watch me, and it's like, no response. I'm like, it was a joke. Like, that's what everyone, everyone say, here's the text.

[A]

Here's the text exchange I had yesterday. We're talking about him making money, doing something or other. And I go, I hope you're putting it. This is a very successful comedian. I said, I hope you're putting it away because this can't last for you. I mean, I hope it does, but dot, dot, dot. And I get back, wow. As one message, next message. Well, that's the whole message. And then right now, I've got more than your entire family history going back to your great, great grandpa Crack Fitzsimmons, who operated Ireland's first gay dominatrix bar. So he was joking, but the first two he was, I, I, he got

[B]

butt hurt maybe, but you Know, just like, we're talking about how our texts are red. Who knows from the other side? Same thing.

[A]

Right, right, right, right.

[B]

Like, it could have been, like, wow. Like, you know, like, oh, all right. We're going there. And then he's, like, teeing up a joke.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Logo this week comes from Adam Larder. Very cool, kind of artsy. I like the colors.

[B]

Very nice. Yeah, look at us.

[A]

What are you.

[B]

You Republican?

[A]

Oh, right. And then we got the song from Sean Noland. Awesome song. Thank you, brother. And he.

[B]

Thank you, Sean. Very cool.

[A]

He did. And that's all original instrumentation. All him. We do need more. We got a few songs in. We're good for a couple weeks, but we're gonna need more down the line, so get to work. Send them in. We don't need anything fancy. Corrections. You got something to crinkle?

[B]

Oh, yes, I do. I do, I do, I do. Let me see. I got a plastic bag. And you know what? That's gonna do it for us. Here it is.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Okay. This one says libtard alert. Augusta national admitted its first Black member in 1990. Tiger woods won his first Masters in 1997. So that's a swing and a miss on this attempt to characterize the south as full of bigots.

[B]

Oh, no, it's not, right?

[A]

Well, I think that. I think Augusta had. They. They let in one black member, but he was, like, 86 years old, and he had no wife and kids.

[B]

Uh, okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also, I know one of the first notable members in terms of diversity was. Oh, what is her name? She was in the Bush administration.

[A]

Rice.

[B]

Condoleezza Rice. I think they were trying to check off a few boxes with that one.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, was she on the other team?

[B]

Well, I don't know. I don't. I don't know. I was thinking two obvious boxes, I think. Well, not what you think. It was three.

[A]

Could have been three.

[B]

They should have broke her leg in the parking lot. She could have wheeled in there. Maybe it was four.

[A]

That's right. I think that. And they could have said that she was originally born as a man. That'd be five.

[B]

That'd be good. An Indian man. Maybe get some Asia in there.

[A]

All right, so here's another correct club.

[B]

Yeah, sure, man. This is from Mr. C. Park on the YouTube channel. Please tell me Greg noticed the crazy coincidence regarding Mike's drunken fireman story and the story he told about the douchey girl on the most recent episode of Fitz Dog Radio. I guess she. She had a point There, huh? So I put this in here, cuz I don't know what he's talking about.

[A]

I told a story on Fitz dog radio a few weeks ago about, I met this girl on a Greyhound bus from New York up to Boston when I was going to college up there. She went to bc, I went to bu. We sat in the back of the bus. I had a six pack, we drank it, we made out. And then I got off at a stop earlier than her and I asked her out. I said, do you want to go to the St. Patrick's Day party in Southie? And she said, great. So I meet up with her and first of all, huge ass, which I did not see on the bus. Like enormous. And secondly, most people on the bus

[B]

do have a huge ass.

[A]

She had no sense of humor. And one of the things she was complaining about was how all the firemen were here and they were drinking and what if there's a fire? And I ended up. We went into somebody's house in Southie and she went into the bathroom and. And I bolted. I just left her there.

[B]

Because of the big butt?

[A]

No, it was the. But. But it was also she was upset about there were no black people here. Why are people standing on the roofs? They're gonna fall down. How come the firemen are driving.

[B]

Say no more. Say no more. Like, she sounded like a decent human and out of there.

[A]

So wait, this was similar to your story. Cause you were talking about St. Patrick's Day and. And the fireman drinking. Right?

[B]

Yeah, I kind of blended it with. It reminded me also when our house was burning down, it was all the drunken volunteer firemen came because it was NFL playoff games on a Sunday in the dead of winter. But also. Yeah, I was wondering, I mean, how they had the resources to fight a fire in midtown Manhattan at the almost literal start of the St. Patrick's Day parade. Yeah, I mean, starting point and the time of day.

[A]

If they really wanted to fuck with us on 9 11, they should have done it. Should have been 317 instead of 9 11. And then.

[B]

Right.

[A]

All of the resources would have been drunk. All the cops and fire.

[B]

I think. I think less firemen would have made it that far into the building and stuff. It could have maybe helped.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

All right, here we go. Another comment.

[A]

This one.

[B]

Jesus, you don't want this one.

[A]

No, I'm kidding. Go ahead.

[B]

Greg is gross. First three words. Greg is gross. I'm not happy listening to his sexual boasting and proclivities, which we just Heard a detail on the bus. There's less to enjoy on this show. And this person is. This is I H435 is finding themselves skipping sections because of your gross stories.

[A]

Well, I'm gross. I don't know what to say. I'm married. I'm happily married.

[B]

Is this person new to your universe? Like, are they just finally drawing a line? Yeah, I think you used to be grosser.

[A]

I do. I used to talk about masturbating on airplanes and jerking off in the back of the school bus on the way to school in the morning. All right, well, I don't talk about that stuff anymore.

[B]

She probably just threw her headphones across the. Or he. I hope it's a she, but it could be.

[A]

Speaking of traveling, I'm going to be in Bakersfield at the well Theater on April 18th.

[B]

Speaking of just pleasuring yourself, roast mode.

[A]

Then I'll be in Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club 4-24-25. This just announced Brea Improv One Show, May 8th. No, two shows on May 8th. Boston Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th. Then I'll be in Rochester, New Hampshire, June 5th. Agunquit, Maine. June 6th. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out and say hi. We also want to give a shout out to the fine folks over at Gotham Production Studios. They produce our podcast. They're doing an unbelievable job. And we check them out. They've got a really good, robust social media page. If you're thinking about getting into podcasting, they do a lot of kind of tutorial videos about how to get it started, how to draw an audience, all this type of stuff. So go to. I don't know what the page is called. Gotham. Look up Gotham Productions.

[B]

Matt made me jealous talking about Derek Trucks going into the studio, into Gotham Productions to record the podcast with those F Bellas in New York.

[A]

And we might be drunk.

[B]

Jeez, man.

[A]

We might be drunk.

[B]

Played one of. Played one of the employees guitars that the guy brought in when he knew trucks was coming in. Like, oh, man. So good.

[A]

Unreal. Also, we want to talk to you. It's a bad way to start ad read.

[B]

You know why you yawned? You know why you yawned? Because you're dying to get into those sheets. Ah.

[A]

Let me tell you something. If sometimes I wake up and it's always like, I try to calculate before I go to bed whether or not I should wear long pants, long pajama pants, boxers, T shirt, long sleeve shirt, you don't worry about that anymore.

[B]

I just wear a raincoat.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Miracle made sheets. They adjust to you. They were made by nas, inspired by NASA technology. I'm not talking about NASA on the Bahamas. I'm talking about the nerds that go into space. Yeah, they design because they're always in bed. Those guys, they're always taking women to bed.

[B]

The NASA dudes. Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they want the hot side hot, the cold side cold.

[A]

Yes. It's like the McDLT.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So listen, the temperature in her bedroom. Just decide your sleep depends on that temperature. So now, cleanliness is the other thing you think about. Regular sheets hold a surprising amount of bacteria. It can lead to odors, skin irritation. Miracle maid sheets are designed to Prevent up to 99.7% of bacterial growth, helping them stay cleaner and fresher. Up to three times longer than standard sheets.

[B]

They're comfortable, smooth, breathable. It's like. It's like the crisp sheets when you get into a fine hotel, when you slide into that bed, that's the feeling you're doing. Less laundry, clearer skin. The bacteria buildup can clog pores. Don't forget that. Come on, people.

[A]

Yeah, we got them sent to our house. And, you know, it doesn't seem fair that we get this stuff for free.

[B]

But what color yours?

[A]

Mine are gray.

[B]

Ah. I got blue.

[A]

Blue, gray.

[B]

Oh, maybe. Maybe we got the same color.

[A]

Oh, I'll think of you. It's so affordable. Upgrade your sleep or give a great gift. Go to try miracle.com papers. You're gonna save 40% off. When you use promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off plus a free three piece towel set. One on your head, one on your butt, one over your shoulder. That's miracle.com papers. Code papers. They also offer a 30 day money back guarantee. So really, there's no risk. So do it. We. We love ours. We know you'll love yours.

[B]

There you go, pal. I just cleaned off my lens there for you listeners who are not seeing this. All right, we're going to the front page. Is that what we're doing now?

[A]

Here we go. Here we go.

[B]

Okay. Oh, man. You want to set this up? I'll set it up. You've been reading a lot.

[A]

You set it up. And I'm gonna pull up the text.

[B]

Our good friend D. I will, too. Our good friend Dickie sometimes texts us stories, and he texted us this story. And, well, I won't say more than that because then we were off and running about jokes. Did you find the.

[A]

Yeah, I got it.

[B]

All right. So start reading where he. Oh, yep, I got to where he began.

[A]

Okay, so he goes, there's a. There's a story that says a professional cornhole player with no arms and legs has been accused of murder in Charles County. So? So he writes, thank God that I myself have arms, because there is a lot to unpack here.

[B]

Solid joke.

[A]

And then I wrote, the only way she could kill somebody would be during a blow job.

[B]

Yeah. He goes, cornhole player. Is she the hole?

[A]

No, this better joke is, is she the beanbag?

[B]

Right, right, right.

[A]

And then he says, also, come on, man, you can't get murdered by a woman with no arms and legs. I said, well, maybe she talked about her mother until her husband hung himself.

[B]

Yep. Imagine CSI trying to dust for Prince. She shouldn't want to kill a man. She should want to kill. God. That was yours. Then Dickie gives us an update. Oh, my God, she shot him. She doesn't even have a finger to pull the trigger. And I go, did she shoot him? A look, like, pick me up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then Dickie's like, wait, it's a guy.

[A]

Yeah. So you see the picture, and the picture looks you.

[B]

It looks like a tough woman, 50

[A]

would call out a woman 50 would call that a guy. And you'd think, this person has enough problems without being androgynous.

[B]

So before the picture, I asked, is there a picture, like, at least of confused cops holding handcuffs?

[A]

So now he gives us. So now he gives us an update, which is they were traveling when the driver in the front seat was involved in some kind of an argument. We're not sure why. Based on information we received, the driver, who is Mr. Weber, shot the front seat passenger. Weber then pulled over where he asked his two backseat passengers to help pull the victim out of the car. The other passengers say they refused and got out of the car.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Yep. Let's go down to. So then Gibbs says, the guy with the gun somehow wasn't armed. Now, here's. Here's where he grabs some low hanging fruit in these next few jokes. Yeah. And Dickie goes, the only one in the car who was armed was unarmed.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then you said, tell me the car was a stick. And I said, how fast could they have been going? He has no legs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then someone said, still drove better than any woman. On the bright side, he did get to use the carpool lane on the way home.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, well, of course he drives. He can hitch.

[A]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs? Who's a professional cornhole player, inmate 37498.

[B]

Yeah, and then, yeah, then we got, he didn't. He's in prison, blah, blah, blah. He didn't. He denied he did it. When the cops asked him who he thought might have done it, he said, I'm stumped and I'm finger anyone. I'm like, he didn't finger anyone. And then I go, I go, how's he going to take the cement dust from his cell wall and dump it in the prison yard? His pockets are probably just that tiny one on jeans. And then of course, I. Why is it there a story like this every week? Yeah, that's what we need. But first, then we have pictures of this limbless person playing cornhole.

[A]

Not even fingers. I guess he had some kind of a blood infection as an infant and has only had stubs his entire life.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

The witness will now take the stand. Please put your left hand. Never mind, we don't need the Bible. Just go ahead and raise your right. Oh, boy. He's claiming it was self defense, but I don't think he has a leg to stand on. But if his lawyer is good, he may walk. Well, he may roll. Yeah, I saw him at his court arraignment. He looked crabby. And I said, he's going to be dropping a lot of soap in the shower and shampoo and towels.

[B]

He's gonna be drop kicked in the shower. I want to see footage of this, this gentleman playing cornhole. That's what I'd like to see.

[A]

Well, what's crazy is, wait just to go to the article, there was a. ESPN did a big story about him that what a fucking hero he is. This, this, you know, limbless athlete.

[B]

I did one joke about him in prison, but it doesn't translate. It's better to read it. But I go, cool. Luke and I left out hand.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

Yeah. Thinker. It's a thinker.

[A]

I think we beat the shit out of that one.

[B]

We did. I think we're, I think, I think we just take it ease, everybody. We should just go out on that.

[A]

That's it. Wake up. That could have been the whole episode. Melania Trump often commands the attention of any room she enters, but all eyes were trained on her humanoid companion. On Wednesday, the robot accompanied the first lady to the White House for the first day of a summit through her Fostering the Future Together Global Initiative. Melania and the humanoid. A robot walked slowly side by side along the red carpet from the opposite end of the Hallway. And the robot was like, damn, woman. I thought every word out of my mouth was pre programmed and emotionless.

[B]

Trump got a little jealous when Melania had no problem holding the robot's hand. Unlike. Unlike his.

[A]

Yeah. And the robot malfunctioned in a hallway closet when Trump tried to fuck it.

[B]

It's like, oh, look at the two models walking into the room. There's the old model and there's the new model. And Trump purchased both of them.

[A]

And they were both made in another country.

[B]

Yeah. Trump's signature to be added to US dollars. It's a first for a sitting president. Mr. Trump is set to become the first sitting US president to have a signature on the greenback. The decision represented an unprecedented change. The one that the department said was being made in honor of the 250th anniversary of Americ. So then they added up. Since retaking the White House last year, Trump has pushed for the minting of a $1 coin featuring his face, along with the creation of a commemorative 24 karat gold coin bearing his image. Mr. Trump also had his name added to the JFK center for Performing Arts, the Kennedy center in Washington. And his administration has pushed for changing Washington Dulles Airport to be named after him.

[A]

Huh? Yeah, he has got a lot of things named after him, including 28 lawsuits for sexual misconduct.

[B]

Those are named after him to 28. Well, this is like a check that you get from Trump and it's signed by him. You know, now it's a, now it's, it's currency, American currency. But it's a race to the bank before he declares bankruptcy and it just will not be cashed.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Now his $1 coin. Why is he putting his name on something that's going to be worth less value the longer he's president? Put his, Put your name on a barrel of oil, he's made that value go through the roof.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. Well, maybe he could put his name on it will lower the price of oil. Like it, like the dollar. It's. Exactly. Maybe that's, maybe that's the.

[A]

Right. Right. So did you do we re. Update this story? All right, so the TSA may have to shut down operations at some airport if the budget impasse drags on. But now we have an update to that story, right?

[B]

Well, yeah, it's changing as we sit here, but I guess it looked really good first thing this morning. Maybe the Senate passed it. They're going to get paid and everything. Then Congress, Republican Congress actually surprised even I think the president and did not pass it. They rejected the bill. And I think the latest, as we sat down, was Trump might have signed an executive order to get them paid.

[A]

It's been 40 days. And these are not rich people. Like, these are people that live paycheck to paycheck. They're so broke that now when they pat you down, they often steal your wallet.

[B]

They're broke, you know, in terms of money. They have a lot of Swiss army knives, and they have a lot of moisturizers that are over three and a half ounces and tons of shampoos.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And they used to. And they used to confiscate the beverages from your baggage. Now they take sandwiches and protein bars. Also.

[B]

They have little, you know, nose scissors, nose clippers. They have a lot of that stuff. They should sell that stuff.

[A]

They have Greg Fitzsimmons tour pins. Yeah, a lot of those.

[B]

All right.

[A]

By the way, here is a pro tip if you want to avoid these lines. I signed up for a thing called Touchless Preacher. If you already have TSA PreCheck, go to whatever airline you're flying on. American is really easy. United is really easy. And you can enter your passport info into your tsa. And then there's a special line that's way faster than regular TSA PreCheck. And you walk up, you don't show ID, you don't show your boarding pass. They just. I mean, it's creepy. They just take a picture of your face and then you walk in.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So if you're comfortable giving up that much info. I sort of feel like at this point, they got everything already.

[B]

It just cost 50 Trump gold coins. That's all it costs now.

[A]

It's free. Do it. You'll thank me later.

[B]

You know, I didn't do it. And then somehow when I was walking through, like, a couple of months ago, Delta, they're like, oh, no, no, sir, you can go in this line. Touchless. And I had no idea what they were talking about, and I looked down and it said it on my boarding pass. So somehow, maybe because I was using Delta so much, somehow I got touchless. I don't know.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sounds like my. Sounds like my marriage.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

I'm not that guy. I don't make that joke.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

A California jury on Wednesday found that Meta and Google were to blame for the depression and anxiety of a woman who compulsively use social media as a small child, awarding her $6 million. Oh, that's gonna cripple Meta and Google. Yeah, And a Rare verdict holding Silicon Valley accountable for its role in fueling youth mental health crisis. So, I mean, look, if we're giving out money, what about me? I haven't written a new joke since TikTok started. I barely shower. I feel like a fucking loser every time I see a video of a comic playing an arena. Where's my $6 million?

[B]

And your addiction is forcing you to watch those clips of the people that bum you out.

[A]

Dude, Fluffy. Gabriel Iglesias and Joe Coy just broke the record and they did a show for 70,000 people at the Sofi Stadium in Los Angeles on Saturday night.

[B]

I just like that this podcast has a sentence that began with, dude, Fluffy.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I got nothing against Fluffy or Joe Coy.

[B]

You know, they're the nicest guys in the world.

[A]

Nicest guys. They're super funny. But is anybody worth 70,000? I mean, I go out, I play clubs that hold two to 300 people. I do four or five shows a weekend, and I got a fucking plug the shit out of it to sell. How many tickets is that? A thousand tickets. They're doing 70,000. Are they 70 times funnier than I am?

[B]

Where was it so far? Is that where you said? Because I know he's also played Dodger Stadium.

[A]

Yeah, Dodger State. No, no, no. Three nights at Dodger Stadium.

[B]

Do you people from outside of LA don't understand what an absolute nightmare it is getting to and from a Dodger game? And when I've gone, and keep in mind, I am. It's a. It's like an obstacle course to get there. I am seeing what many feel is the greatest baseball player to ever, ever live. And I'm like, not worth it, not worth it. I don't think this is worth it. And now I'm going to go see Fluffy set.

[A]

Yeah. Meanwhile, if you swing by the Improv on a Tuesday night, areas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

25 bucks. 150 people so far.

[B]

Good friend brought us to the box to see Beyonce. And that is a nightmare. Going to Sofi as well. Not as bad as Dodgers. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. And imagine now I'm going in there to see Joe Coy, you know, do a lot of material I've already seen online from him.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, listen.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Listen. I mean, look, the point of this conversation, we're talking about Meta and Google causing depression and anxiety in kids, but it's not all bad. Like, I mean, kids are more distracted and depressed, but they also Know how to do the crip walk. They can protect themselves from a wild bear and they can buy foreclosed properties with no money down. So there's. There's upsides.

[B]

Yeah, I'm. I'm self soothing less. I'm drinking less. This addiction, it's. It's. I've switched addictions.

[A]

Yes. You don't have time to jerk off anymore.

[B]

Oh, those words.

[A]

That's the thing about social media. I used to watch porn sites where you could masturbate for hours. TikTok video. Yeah. Who can get it done in 35 seconds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, there I am being creepy again.

[B]

Do we need that? That writer is already gone. Long gone. Are we doing this Melania and Baron story?

[A]

We can switch. We can do that next week.

[B]

Well, there is no next week.

[A]

Oh, right, then let me do it real quick. So Melania and. And her son Baron both did vote in mailing, as did their. His father, Donald Trump, the guy who's so trying to convince us that there's mail in cheating going on. And they're both registered at Mar A Largo and they're sending it in. I mean, he might as well mail in the ballot he's already mailing in the presidency. Wow. Hey now market. Market for a clip.

[B]

What? Why doesn't she ever a robot. Go bring the ballot in, buddy. Buddy.

[A]

People are surprised that the anti immigration guy who's had two illegal immigrant wives, the guy who dodged the draft and is now sending troops to their deaths. The guy who named Biden Sleepy Joe and regularly naps at meetings. We're shocked he's mailing in his ballot.

[B]

It's the best is when you see the data on how much mail in ballots or really any voter fraud. The point zero zero. That's how it begins. That percentage, it's like so minuscule. And. And most they found with the mail in ballots were by election officials, not the voters.

[A]

But even that number, it's kind of incredible how little voting fraud there is in this country. It's. It is negligible.

[B]

Well, it helps that no one votes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's a big percentage of the country,

[A]

would you say votes on a presidential election?

[B]

Well, they have it. I don't know what.

[A]

I mean, what is 40% maybe?

[B]

No. Is it really? Come on, is it that low? You look it up while I queue up this ethical question. Here we go.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Where's the plastic? Oh, right. Ethical question. Which one should I do first? All right. Yeah, we're gonna do this one. Let me know when I got your Attention.

[A]

I'm ready.

[B]

My friend's husband is a tax deadbeat. Should I tell the irs? I am troubled about this man who's a public school teacher. That complicates it and has been avoiding something I consider to be a civic duty. So it's very short. The friend is getting divorced from this deadbeat tax deadbeat, and she told her that her husband has not paid taxes for a very long time, possibly since before they were married. They've been filing separately and she has dutifully paid taxes on all her earnings throughout. What do you think?

[A]

Should she turn him in?

[B]

Yes, that's what she's asking.

[A]

Now.

[B]

He's a 60 year old public school teacher. First of all, how much could he possibly owe?

[A]

Now you could really fuck up his life. It's like I read a story this week about this guy who hired a contractor to fix his roof. And then before paying him, he called ICE and said that we got an illegal immigrant and they came and arrested the guy. So that feels like that to me. That feels like fucking.

[B]

Wait, say that again. They called ICE when.

[A]

Called ICE after he finished working on.

[B]

Right, right, right. I saw that. I saw another story like that.

[A]

Now I sort of feel like, you know, you don't, you don't fuck with people like that. I mean, if he, if it was like he was a pedophile or a murderer, then you got to stop him from doing it again. Yeah, but not.

[B]

He's just stopping the tax man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, also, I don't know what the arrangement is with spousal support, but either way, you're messing it up for your friend.

[A]

That's right, because all of a sudden

[B]

he's going to be making less income, which means he's going to pay less if he's the breadwinner or she'll have to pay more if she's the breadwinner,

[A]

or he could end up in jail.

[B]

Oh, yeah, there's also that. Maybe that's good.

[A]

Maybe that's from jail.

[B]

Maybe that's good. All right, I think that's the only one. We have to do the other ones.

[A]

That was easy.

[B]

Well, the other ones weren't that great. Hold on. All right, all right, fine, fine, fine, fine. Um, let's see. I only called up one, though.

[A]

Is it ethical for a manager to take 10% of their client's money when it's the agent that books the comedian on the road and actually does the work?

[B]

Sounds very personal. It sounds like what you signed up for.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is it okay? It's a Boring. See, is it okay to cut ties with a friend because of reviews on vaccines? She's talking about her friend Cheryl Hines. Well, yeah.

[A]

Again, does it affect you if you have a child that is vaccinated and he's playing with a child who's unvaccinated, that is susceptible to catching the measles or smallpox? I think you could stop being friends with that person to protect your child. I think it has an impact on you.

[B]

Here's a better one. I'm the family breadwinner. Do I have to fund my wife's bad habit? So she smokes cigarettes, and it's an issue in their marriage. He makes all the money, and that's the question.

[A]

No, you got to pay for the smokes. It's part of what attracted you to her. She was a while. She was a little wild. She dangles a cigarette from her lipstick lips and blows smoke rings. You thought it was cool. You signed up for it. You can't cut her off now.

[B]

Yeah, but he's like, she used to smoke after sex. Now she just smokes after Wheel of Fortune.

[A]

Now she drives a ham.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. It's very, very different.

[A]

All right, let's move on.

[B]

Yes, sir. Here we go. What do we make?

[A]

America. Florida.

[B]

You got it, buddy. Florida woman accused of urinating on objects at Airbnbs and then posting them online. The owner of the Airbnb's filed a criminal complaint with the Pensacola Police Department after receiving a message from someone on the platform claiming a guest identified as a 31 year old. Oh. Identified as 31 year old Nicole had peed multiple. On multiple items at her property. The owner allegedly found videos on an adult content website that showed Nicole urinating on multiple items. The owner told police that an antique crown royal chair rug, a typewriter, four dining room chairs, coffee maker.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Tv record player. She peed on a record player.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Whoa. Toaster. Okay, gets better. An electric fireplace amounting to $4,000 in losses. All right, well, I want to see this video. Now, Nicole's accused of urinating at another Air and B property owned by the same person on the same street. It's like a dog. It's. Her scent is there. She's going to keep going to the same place, smelling and peeing on an electric fireplace. The owner discovered several items damaged, including the rugs and all the stuff we mentioned, and is getting damages.

[A]

Well, I think that the punishment should be you just rub her nose in it. That's all you can do.

[B]

Sprayer. You got a sprayer with A water bottle.

[A]

She fucking drank a lot of liquids. She covered some ground.

[B]

I checked the liquor cabinet, man. It has to be gone.

[A]

Right? Right. Good luck renting that PLA. $4,000 in damages. You'll never get that smell out of that apartment. It's gonna smell like your grandmother's house.

[B]

That is. I mean, do you think it's like she's peeing and it's accidentally. Or it's like, what do you guys want me to pee on? No. I don't know. Yeah, wouldn't she be doing a lot.

[A]

You already said you want to see it.

[B]

Wouldn't she be doing a lot more business if she was peeing on a person in these. Airbnb.

[A]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

Maybe the owner. Yeah, you're kind of peeing all over the owner anyway. All right, it's time to make America Texas again.

[A]

Okay,

[B]

so, dark story. We're going to recognize that up front, but a North Texas man was arrested after allegedly admitting to shooting and killing his grandmother because of a dispute over his allowance. That's what got me. He's 21 years old, and the great. He had recently gotten into an argument with his grandma, which led to the loss of the grandson's allowance money. After being questioned the grant by police, the grandson admitted to shooting his grandma early that morning inside the apartment and then dragging her body out to the patio. Jerry and Kara, who live right below them, they were home Friday, and she says she does not remember hearing an argument or anything out of the ordinary, but she did notice a lot of flies on the patio. She said it was so bad, she went to the store and bought a net to keep them out.

[A]

Oh, my God. Get a big net. Because you got to keep that fucking 21 year old out that off your porch, too.

[B]

No doubt. 20. Why didn't he just shoot himself? You're 21 and you're shooting your grandmother. Whether you think about it or you do it, the next bullet has to be yours, I think.

[A]

I mean, it just seems like such an adult thing to be capable of doing. If you can shoot your grandmother and get that body out, you can get a job.

[B]

Yeah, you.

[A]

You're clearly motivated.

[B]

Maybe he could only afford one bullet. I mean, the allowance was cut off, so that's why he's still walking around.

[A]

I. When I was a teenager, we were really fucked up as teenagers. We did a lot of drugs. We did a lot of bad things. My buddy Brian, his grandmother used to give him. And we'd go over her house, she had dementia, and we would take out her garbage cans and she would give him $5. And we, we just. All we wanted was money for drugs all the time. So we used to go to her house like three to four times a week and take out the garbage instead of once a week and get the $5.

[B]

I'm shocked you didn't do it multiple times a day.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You distract her while you bring the garbages back in. That's. Oh, that poor woman. You should have just shot her. Okay, we're getting to sports.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It would have been kinder. All right, the LA Marathon. We forgot to do this story. The LA Marathon was a couple of weeks ago, Right? And then this is the most amount of calls I've gotten from people saying, you have to do this story on the podcast. It's not a big story. It was. It was a California day, hotter than usual for this time of year. The temperature got all the way up to the 80s and the race organizers announced that because of the weather, they were going to give out medals to runners who completed just 18 miles of the 26.2 mile marathon that goes from Dodger Stadium to Century City. And everyone lost it because it is the most LA thing ever.

[A]

Yeah. Lowering the bar.

[B]

I mean, I read this one article that talked about. I mean, there's. Listen, I ran two New York marathons. On one of them, it was snowing at the start on. First of all, worse than that. I was in Staten Island. Okay, that. Okay, so there's. There's that. So that's worse than any heat. I mean, I have to go to Staten Island. Secondly, it was snowing on Staten island when I was at the start in the first or second week in November. And Boston has one. And it's literally. They named it the Run for the Hoses. It was the 1976 marathon. It reached nearly 100 degrees. And you know what? They weren't retarded about it. They ran the whole 26.2.

[A]

Yep. All the way to the dunk. They didn't stop at fucking. At the fucking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Harbor. They went past the harbor.

[B]

Hot Break Hill.

[A]

Tell, tell. Tell people the story about winning a medal and giving it to your father.

[B]

Oh, someone asked me because someone reminded us last night that we should do this story. And then they're like, did you get a medal? Because they were unaware of that. That you got. I'm like, no, yeah. New York, like, had medals. Would you do your medal? So what I did with my medal was my dad was getting. You know, his is a bad heart and wasn't Getting good. Like, checkups, they're like, you gotta. You know, you gotta move around, but you gotta exercise and stuff. And so I. He got a treadmill, and I gave him my medal because I didn't think I could run a marathon. And that's actually why I ran, to believe this talk. I should have a whole therapy session on this. I literally thought I got lucky and didn't believe I really could run a marathon. So I ran it again. That's. That's how much. That's how much I think I'm an imposter. So anyway, I give him a medal. I'm like, dad, if I could do this, you can get on this treadmill three times a week or whatever. And he. It was emotional. He thanked me profusely. He put the metal. He, like, tied it onto the bars of the treadmill, and then it was covered in his shirts and suits and Never seen again. And the treadmill was never turned on. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, you know, I think he probably

[B]

put it out on the curb with my metal on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I would like to think that you'll find it, and when he passes away, God forbid, someday you will place it on his chest in the coffin, and he'll literally. His dead arm will come up, take it off, and put it outside the coffin.

[B]

If you had been inspired by this, you wouldn't be in this, but you'd be in this box probably a year from now. But look at you now. Look at you.

[A]

All right, let's do a quick. The sweet 16. We started this last week. This is a segment put together by the great Matt Peters, who is our producer. And we are. We are giving you the top 16 stories of the year from 2025. We are selecting. We're getting. Last week we went. We took eight, and we picked winners. So now there's four.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right side of the bracket. These are the top eight stories in the chaos and nature category.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So these are two stories that are up against each other. Seven minute Louvre heist. Thieves disguised as construction workers used motorbikes and power tools to steal £88 million. In French or Euros In French crown jewels.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Broad daylight robbery.

[B]

Love it. I. I thought for sure that was the one I was gonna pick, but then I read the next story.

[A]

Okay. Next one is distillery raccoon npr. A local hero in Kentucky saved a raccoon's life with chest compressions after it fell into a dumpster. Dumpster of fermented peaches and passed out from moonshine intoxication.

[B]

The story has. Has CPR with a raccoon. I'm already sold. Never mind. It's a drunk raccoon.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I love. The algorithm has figured out. I love raccoons. They're all over my feed.

[A]

We had. When I grew up, we had a lot of raccoons in our town. And there was a noise in the basement in the garage one night. And my mother opens up the door to the garage and looks in and there's a raccoon with a roller skate. And he had his front paws on the roller skate and he was pushing himself around the garage.

[B]

It's the best thing ever.

[A]

No fucking no video cameras back then. That would have been the most viral video of all time.

[B]

There's one, and I forget how it goes down, but it's like one of my favorite clips. And I think it's like maybe a family of them moving and then the person is filming them and then comes out. And then I think maybe I was like, hey. Or like, get out of here. Whatever it is. And then it pans over and one of the raccoons is literally standing there with its arms out. It's standing on two legs like you or I would be if we got caught doing something. And it's just like frozen. Looking back, trying to read the situation, and it's so human. It's crazy.

[A]

I love raccoons.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I'll go with raccoon on that one too. We got two of them. All right, next one is the La. The Labu Boo doll obsession. A spicy, ugly, cute designer toy became the ultimate status symbol. Leaving. Leading to massive mall brawls. Yeah, and a multi billion dollar secondary market. I missed that one. Do you remember that?

[B]

Labubus were everywhere. It was kind of crazy. I forget who I ran into. That was love. Loboos. Some celebrity or something. Anyway, Labubus were everywhere. But then the next story was stolen. $100,000 golden toilet. So a working 18 karat. How is this not in the. In the White house, a working 18 karat gold toilet titled America was snatched from Winston Churchill's birthplace. And authorities suspect it was melted down before it could be recovered. I didn't know the America detail. So Churchill was shitting in America? Is.

[A]

That sounds like it. It sounds like meanwhile we fucking bail them out of World War II and then he shits on us.

[B]

I also have a suspicion Churchill came close to melting that baby down a few times just by going through his usual move.

[A]

Yeah, he definitely. Yeah, he melted the rim a little bit. That. I mean, if If Trump hears about this, he will begin construction immediately.

[B]

So I'm, I'm voting toilet.

[A]

I'm going golden toilet on that one.

[B]

All right, next is the LA wildfires versus this kingfisher eggs. So the kingfisher eggs. After being extinct in the wild for 40 years, this bird successfully laid eggs on a remote Pacific atoll. A massive miracle for conservationists.

[A]

We should know more about fires. The LA fires obviously hits close to home. And it was something that, yeah, for once, a lot of the country actually cared about California for a moment. Yeah, I was in. I was in green. I was in Green Bay, Wisconsin, doing a. Doing a gig. And I walk up and they've got a collection bin and they were collecting clothes to send to California. I was like, this is so sweet and so generous. And then I realized, then I saw the crowd and I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, nobody in Los Angeles is wearing any of these fucking clothes. Not that they would even fit. Like, they're all triple XL Green Bay Packer jerseys.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good, like, onion headline. Like, thanks, fatty, for the thought, but we can't wear any of your clothes.

[A]

Just send money. Send us. Send us some cheese and some money.

[B]

All right, the last matchup here. So I guess we're going to pick L A wildfires.

[A]

You got to go L A wildfires.

[B]

The last matchup is Australia's free power. Due to a massive solar energy surplus, the Australian government began offering solar sharer, not easy to say, hours where citizens get three hours of free electricity every day. Now, that story, which I like, is up against the high def Colossal squid footage. Scientists captured the first ever high definition video of a juvenile colossal squid in the deep sea, showing the elusive kraken relative in its natural habitat. I have not seen this footage. I wish I were in a juvenile.

[A]

It's crazy. I can remember recently hearing that they've never gotten footage of a giant squid. Like, that's how deep they are in the ocean.

[B]

I like mysteries like this because, you know, from my limited knowledge there, they don't. Doesn't seem to be many mysteries left. Of course, there's a bazillion. And I'm sure there's insects and all that. That and all the fossils they're still finding. But this one is really, really cool, I think.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's like when you live in New York City, you're trying to find. It's like trying to find your superintendent when you live in a tenement in New York City, it's like a colossal Squid Nobody's seen him. You know it exists.

[B]

Yeah, there's some. There's some signs that he exists.

[A]

Yeah. All right, let's cut it down to this day in history.

[B]

We're gonna do squid then. All right, here we go.

[A]

Yeah, we'll go squid.

[B]

We're going down to this day in history. Oh, man. It was not as good as last week. Last week was so good. All right, here we go. Let me struggle through this. Mariah Carey, how old do you think this lady is she? Her birthday was on this day in what year? Or you can just tell me how old she is within four years.

[A]

1959.

[B]

So. So you think she's almost 70? I mean, you got it wrong. She was born in 69.

[A]

Real. She's younger than us.

[B]

Yes. Come on.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

I'm gonna give you this.

[A]

Acting coach in New York, and I was in the middle of a session one time and she go, it was supposed to be a one hour session. And she goes, we gotta cut it short. I go, why? She goes, I have an emergency. She had gotten a text. And so I'm walking out and Mariah Carey is waiting outside the door to come in. I guess she had an audition at the last minute.

[B]

Wow. Yeah, Nice. I'll give you a chance at another birthday then. American comedian Milton Berle. Actually, it's not. It's a death day, not a birthday. American comedian Milton berle died at 93 years old on this day. In what year? Give or take five years, because you were a member of. Of the Friars Club in New York, where he would. He would be there often.

[A]

Yeah. So I'm gonna say it was around 99.

[B]

Very good guess. Nope, he lived long enough to see 9, 11. He died in 2002.

[A]

Son of a bit. Wait, how many years did you give me?

[B]

Yeah, well, no, you got it.

[A]

But I got it.

[B]

It was later. You're right, I delivered that wrong. All right, Viagra, that's important. You have to listen. Viagra was approved by the U.S. food and Drug Administration, but it was approved for the use in treating erectile dysfunction. I don't know if it was approved for cardiovascular stuff before that, but anyway, the Viagra we all know is the boner pill. Made a splash. Let's say it was a giant story in what year, give or take five years. And the funny thing was, in clinical trials, I believe the story goes, they were giving it to guys for heart stuff. And eventually everyone was like, yeah, forget the heart stuff. Like, do you got any more of these pills?

[A]

2011?

[B]

No, I would have given you five years because, I mean, we were in the professional funny business when this hit. And it was a giant story. And it was earlier. It was 1998.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. Every drug that they use today was meant for something else. And then they realized it got you an erection or it shrunk your hemorrhoids or it made you less sad.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They were never shooting for that goal.

[B]

You know about Typhoid Mary?

[A]

Never heard of

[B]

was a woman in New York. Anyway, we won't do that one. But she. She was put on a little in quarantine, I think on an island in New York. Anyway, that was 1915. So let me find you one more here. Virginia Wolf died. That's too many deaths and birthdays. Let's find something juicy. Let's find something juicy.

[A]

Really good. Good prep this week.

[B]

I told you it was tough. It was tough. Canadian hockey player Wayne Gretzky, considered by many to be the greatest in NHL history. He scored the final goal of his career on this day. In what year? Give or take? I'm only giving you two years

[A]

because

[B]

you're a hockey fan.

[A]

I'm going to say 2012.

[B]

Oh, man. Even if I gave you 10 years, you blew that one, man. 99. Which is. Which is. It's very easy to remember. That's his number.

[A]

Oh, yeah. All right, well, I think I got one right this week. That was a rough one. That was tough.

[B]

I kind of call that. It was rough in many ways. Many were probably harder even to listen to, than to actually carry out here.

[A]

Speaking of rough, let's get to some obituaries.

[B]

Yeah, let's do it. Ready? Here we go. All right. Well, we know from our. From our President, we know all too well that Robert Mueller passed away. The former FBI Director Trump. I mean, I don't even think. Did he say good riddance? Those exact words, but that was. He was happy about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unbelievable. And Valerie Perrine, or Perrine. I think it's Perrine. Oscar nominated actress. But I remember her because as a little boy, she was on the COVID of two Playboys.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Very sexy and sultry. She got an Oscar nomination for Lenny, in which she played Lenny's wife or girlfriend. I think wife.

[A]

Was that about Lenny Bruce?

[B]

Yeah, Lenny Bruce, 1974. Bob Fosse directed then. She was in Superman and Superman 2. But her key films include Slaughterhouse Five, the Last American Hero, and then with Robert Redford, the Electric Horseman.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I remember her in that. That was great.

[B]

So I put a Little tidbit in here on her, though, which involves our friend peripherally, Tom o'. Neill. So while she was living in Las Vegas, she was a showgirl, and she became engaged to a gun collector who died of an accidental gunshot to the lung one month before their wedding. That's not good timing with, like, shots taken care of. After his death, she began a relationship with hairstylist Jay Sebring here in Los Angeles. On August 8, 1969, he invited her to a dinner party with his former girlfriend, actress Sharon Tate, and their friends Abigail Folger and Frykowski at the El Coyote Cafe in Benedict Canyon, Los Angeles. Valerie was unable to attend, and that night, but shortly after midnight, when they got back from El Coyote, all four were murdered by the Manson family at Tate's home.

[A]

Oh, my God, dude. I go to therapy sometimes and I literally run out of shit to talk about. And I just go. I don't know, I have some anxiety. I get a little sad. What else? I don't know what else? And then you hear about this and it's like, I hope she's getting two to three appointments a week.

[B]

And then this little joke was in here that, according to this, a guy, a former employee at the Stardust Hotel, where she got her start, choked. If you don't like somebody, fix them up with Valerie and he'll be dead within three months.

[A]

Yeah, the Black Widow.

[B]

Anyway, I remember her. Of course, Superman was a very high profile one for our demo at that time. And anyway, so there we go. Rest in peace.

[A]

Valerie. Great tits.

[B]

Yep. Here we go to the funnies.

[A]

Well, last week I fell down on the job. I forgot to assign a comic for you guys to write jokes on. It's the comedy caption contest. We're back. This week, I give you one frame of a cartoon. You write your punchlines down, you send them into fitzdogradiomail.com we put some of our favorites in, pick a winner, and then send you a koozie post haste.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

This week we have one for this week. It is two dudes. They look sort of like, you know, urban preppy type guys. And behind them is one of those Tesla super trucks. Those law. Literally, I see those trucks with. I have 100% contempt for any. And they always have the blacked out windows. And I. It kills me because I want to see what little fucking selfish douches.

[B]

I wonder if that's how they come. Do they come that way? They must.

[A]

I think so, yeah. Anyway, so these two dudes are standing in front of this big Tesla truck. They're talking. What are they saying? What, the white guys talking to the black guy. What does he say about the Tesla truck? Good luck. Good luck, everybody. Let's get to the pros. Hagar is standing with a couple soldiers. They're looking at a castle in the background. He goes, we need to invent a big distraction before the attack. Think, think. And then he goes, I got it. Sven, go tell the Duke you've been canoodling with the Duchess. And the soldier goes, that won't work. He already knows. I'm not familiar with the medieval interpretation of the word canoodling. Any insight on that?

[B]

I think it's intense noodling. Very intense.

[A]

It's intense noodling against your will.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Graping. I think it's more graping.

[A]

Yeah, it's graping. Leroy and Loretta are sitting at the marriage counselor's office, and Loretta says, how can we agree to disagree when we can't agree on anything?

[B]

Very, very nice wordplay. Very nice. Well played.

[A]

I'm gonna skip the next one and go right to. Let's go to the Onion.

[B]

Well, I have an onion. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Let's see.

[B]

Here's the onion. And it's. I like this one. I bet a lot of people will not. But it's a picture of a major league baseball, and it says, nation already sick of baseball.

[A]

It's been opening day for two days now.

[B]

It's. Yeah, no, I know. It's. It's crazy. Hey, by the way, before. No, no, I'll do it after Blondie. But I have an announcement that's pretty exciting about.

[A]

Holy. Holy shit.

[B]

Well, when people hear this, it's already over, but they'll have read about it, something that's happening in our area. Go ahead, though, huh? Yeah. Teaser.

[A]

Dagwood is talking to Blondie, and he goes, you okay, honey? And she's looking at her phone. She goes, I'm having trouble with this survey. It says, rate your husband's kissing, but the ratings only go up to 10. And now he throws her down into an embrace and leans her back, and he goes, I'll. I'll take the blame. I've set the bar too high. And she goes, I second that.

[B]

Well, now she's lying to him.

[A]

Is she? Are you kidding me? I. My feeling on Blondie is she met Dagwood. Oh, actually, I know she met him. She met. The backstory is that she was, like, a flapper girl whore, and he was, like, a millionaire, which, back in the 1930s was a big deal. Now it won't even get you a cup of coffee. And so she has been with other men. She's been kissed. She should have some sense of what a good and a bad kiss is. But somehow she's been with him for 120 years. This strip has been around since the 1930s. So I think she forgets how bad his thin little lips and his swollen tongue that tastes like pastrami.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

She. She forgets what a good kiss is.

[B]

Something happened because I can't even believe she's into this.

[A]

There's a little heart popping up from between where their lips are. But then, you know, he. You know, he just dropped her to the ground and he went and got a sandwich. He didn't close. He could close on this.

[B]

Yeah, he's not closing on that.

[A]

All right, listen, speaking of closing, if you guys want to close the deal on some sheets, the way to do it is to go to trymiracle.com papers. You're going to get 40% off. And when you use promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off. Trust us. These sheets are magic. Anything you want to promote, Mike?

[B]

Well, yeah. I mean, it's too late for our listeners on Sunday, but today is Friday and it's been confirmed. The rumor we heard Weezer is playing on the roof of Hanano, which is

[A]

our favorite dive bar in Venice.

[B]

Our favorite dive bar. They're pulling a little Beatles esque thing, and they're playing on the roof of Hanano, which is where Washington Boulevard meets the ocean. Right by the pier there at 5:30 tonight.

[A]

Do we like Weezer?

[B]

I really do like Weezer. And I've seen them at the Whiskey, actually.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And someone on this text chain whose number I don't know, they're like, oh, that's a nice consolation prize because they were trying to see. Paul McCartney is playing the Fonda Theater tonight. The Fonda holds. I mean, can it hold a thousand people?

[A]

No. I heard tickets are like $6,000 each.

[B]

It's unbelievable how tight. And it's a dive.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Speaking of dives. Yes. I'll go down to Hanano. I'll take my bike and head down there.

[B]

Yeah, don't take a car, I'll tell you that.

[A]

No, that's about it.

[B]

But everyone enjoy your week next week, people.

[A]

We should put up a Sunday.

[B]

We should put up a repeat.

[A]

Yeah, let's put up a repeat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. We'll pick a good one. All right, thanks for listening, you guys. And we'll talk to you soon.

[B]

Take it, Ash.

[A]

Take it, Ash. Wake up to my breakfast and coffee. The Sunday papers were washed a week off me. I like to spend my Sunday listening. Go Rhythm, download the podcast.