Run it Back: Stop Trying to Be a Perfect Mom with Dr. Aliza Pressman

Summary

Sunday Sports Club with Allison Kuch

Episode: Run it Back: Stop Trying to Be a Perfect Mom with Dr. Aliza Pressman
Date: May 24, 2026
Host: Allison Kuch
Guest: Dr. Aliza Pressman – developmental psychologist, parent educator, NYT bestselling author, mother, and host of the Raising Good Humans podcast

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Episode Overview

This episode takes a deep dive into the realities of parenting, especially navigating motherhood without falling into the trap of perfectionism. Allison Kuch, herself a mom of a young daughter (with another on the way), sits down with Dr. Aliza Pressman to discuss evidence-based parenting, debunking common myths, handling transitions with young kids, giving ourselves grace, and the importance of being “good enough” rather than “perfect.” The conversation is candid, empathetic, and peppered with humor and honesty around the chaos and beauty of raising kids.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dr. Aliza’s Parenting Philosophy (01:10)

• Framework: Evidence-based approach blending warmth, sensitivity, and appropriate boundaries, tailored to fit individual differences and family values.
  • “People...might want to make it seem like there’s one right seasoning, but there isn’t…There’s not a one-size-fits-all.” — Dr. Aliza (01:36)
• On Being a Developmental Psychologist and a Parent:
  Even with professional background, acknowledges realistic expectations: “I get it right like 55% of the time, which is plenty.” (01:20)
• Emphasizes humor and humility as keys to surviving parenting challenges.

2. Bridging Professional Knowledge and Real-Life Parenting (04:09)

• Dr. Aliza’s research experience—scoring thousands of parent-child interactions—gives her perspective, but doesn’t exempt her from real-life frustrations and mistakes.
  • “Occasionally I’m thinking, I would not give that a very high score, that interaction.” (04:42)
  • Her own kids playfully “call her out” on her parenting when she slips.
• Openness to Apologizing:
  “When I do make mistakes...I’m not afraid to apologize.” (05:59)

3. Parental Growth and “Mom Brain” (06:39)

• Discusses how parenthood is a massive neurological and psychological shift:
  “The third biggest point of development in the human brain is that transition to parenthood...You’re reallocating and growing in certain areas.” (06:50)

4. The Myth of Perfect Parenting (07:12)

• Good Enough Parenting:
  “If I’m perfect...what a crappy legacy we’ve left.” (08:40)
• Social media and cultural expectations feed perfectionist tendencies, especially among women.
• The importance of authenticity and repair: Kids grow from seeing parents admit mistakes and make amends.
  • “When we do [make mistakes]...we’re doing some other muscle work like growth. That’s actually also really wonderful for our kids to see.” (09:34)

5. Practical Tips for Creating Calm in Chaos (10:54)

• Focus on small “anchors” in your child’s day (e.g., a bedtime story, a song in the morning, kisses at drop-off).
  • “Pick three anchors in your child’s day...small enough that you can guarantee that it’s the same every day...the chaos doesn’t feel as chaotic.” (10:54)
• More attainable than big ideals (e.g., having breakfast together every day).

6. Research vs. Reality—Myths in Early Childhood Parenting (17:15)

• Major myth-busting: No difference in secure attachment whether breastfeeding or formula feeding, nor from choices about room sharing or sleep training methods.
  • “Tons of books...say things like [cry-it-out] is damaging...what people don’t know is...that book was referencing [extreme cases]...not loving families striving to get everyone some sleep.” (19:11)
• Most hot-button issues fall into three categories: feeding, discipline, sleep.
• The most important thing is parental well-being and feeling connected to your child.

7. Managing Transitions for Toddlers and Sibling Prep (22:50)

• Time news about new baby until it’s physically obvious (“wait ‘til you’re showing”).
• Keep explanations simple, concrete, and not overhyped; don’t make unrealistic promises about sibling love.
• Avoid multiple major transitions in a short time (e.g., potty training and crib transition should be separated by 6–8 weeks).

8. Sibling Jealousy & Parental Emotions (25:45)

• “The hardest age is typically three...if [toddler] is pushing limits, you’re going to hold them...But you can be angry and you can be resentful, as long as you don’t do anything [harmful].” (25:45)
• On mother’s worry about loving a second child:
  “The second I gave birth to my younger one...my heart just grew, and I have so much room.” (27:10)
• Give yourself permission to grieve changes—even positive ones.

9. Involving Dads & Supporting Parental Relationships (33:27)

• Encourage dads/partners to have solo “special” time with the older child (e.g., outings for baby chinos at Starbucks).
• Partners should focus on supporting the mother’s mental health: “Your mental health is the top of the pyramid...the foundation of the entire household.” (34:41)
• Make time for the relationship; “feeding your relationship” is more beneficial than being home every single night (36:05).
• Affection and “oxytocin hits” (love hormone): Moms get more, but partners need some too for a healthy family system.

10. Giving Ourselves Grace (37:45)

• Self-care is caring for your child.
  • “You taking care of yourself is taking care of your child.” (37:54)
• Watch for signs of normal postpartum blues vs. indicators for reaching out for help.
• Reassuring Stat:
  “In healthy, securely attached mother-child relationships, [parent and child] are attuned with one another 33% of the time. The rest is disconnect and repair.” (40:30)
  • “If you’re even thinking about it, and you have a moment of tenderness...you’re doing great.” (40:49)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Perfectionism in Parenting:
  “If what [your daughter] sees is perfect, what a crappy legacy we’ve left.” — Dr. Aliza (08:40)
• On Most Parenting Interventions:
  “As long as you’re getting sleep and feeding, that’s what matters.” (18:09)
• On “Repair” in Mother-Child Relationships:
  “33% of the time, attuned. The rest, discord and repair. That’s much more attainable than the fantasy mother.” (40:37)
• The Core Parenting Mantra:
  “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.” (41:39)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Dr. Aliza’s Parenting Framework: 01:10–02:30
• Parenting vs. Professional Expertise: 04:09–05:35
• The Importance of “Mom Brain”: 06:39–07:12
• Why Perfection Hurts More Than It Helps: 07:12–10:26
• Creating Calm Amidst Chaos: 10:54–12:24
• Myth Busting (Feeding, Sleep, etc.): 17:15–21:47
• Sibling Prep and Transitions: 22:50–25:45
• Managing Parental Worry & Guilt: 25:45–29:57
• Supporting Partner & Relationship: 33:27–37:26
• Measuring “Good Enough” Parenting: 37:45–41:26
• The One Parenting Rule Dr. Aliza Wishes All Parents Knew: 41:39

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Rapid-Fire “This or That” Sports-Themed Parenting (42:25)

• Timeout or Penalty Box: Depends; peaceful timeout better than anger.
• Handling Sibling Fights: Let them play through it unless harm is imminent.
• Choosing Kids’ Sports: Let them choose.
• Picky Eating: Take what you can get.
• Bedtime Routine: Be vigilant; sleep is critical.
• Parenting Approach: Team sport, ideally.

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Resources & Where to Find Dr. Aliza Pressman

• Podcast: Raising Good Humans
• Substack: dralizapressman.substack.com
• Instagram: @RaisingGoodHumansPodcast
• Educational Resources: parentingcenter.org (Mount Sinai)

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Final Takeaways

This episode is a balm for parents, particularly moms feeling the daily pressure to get it all right. Dr. Aliza reminds listeners that striving for perfection is not just unsustainable, it can be harmful to both parent and child. Instead, focus on authenticity, small consistencies, humor, repair, and self-compassion. “You are the right parent for your child, the majority of the time.” (41:53)

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For more relatable parenting insights and real talk, tune in every Sunday to Sunday Sports Club!

Transcript

[A]

The following podcast is a Dear Media Production. What's up guys? Welcome back to Sunday Sports Club Podcast, a podcast all about sports. Actually, it's really not. I should honestly take that out of my intro because half the time it's not about sports, it's half the time about things that I just want to talk about. And today I'm really excited to have on guest Dr. Eliza Pressman. She's a developmental psychologist, parent educator, New York Times best selling author, mother, and host of the Raising Good Humans podcast. Did I miss anything?

[B]

I mean it doesn't matter as long as everybody feels safe and trusts me.

[A]

Oh, I love, I love that. So I am a mother to a two year old daughter and I also have another daughter on the way here in a few months. So really excited to talk with you especially because I feel like the parenting space has a lot of information.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So when it, when it comes to, when it comes to raising children, first off and foremost, how would you describe your parenting style?

[B]

So I have two daughters, I have also a stepdaughter and a stepson. But and I would say take everything I say with a grain of salt because of course behind closed doors I'm sure I get it right like 55% of the time, which is plenty. I think when you're a developmental psychologist you're actually easier on yourself because you know that there's like zoom out big stuff that really, really matters. But the day to day like details are, you know, as individual difference oriented as like putting seasoning in a recipe. And so people, I think on social media and in the, you know, culture of talking about parenting might want to make it seem like that there's one right seasoning, but there isn't. So I guess my overall style or approach is what is considered evidence based across cultures and communities. It's just like loving limits warmth and sensitivity alongside appropriate boundaries. And then paying attention to my kids temperament and mine and sprinkling in my personal values and that would be my general framework.

[A]

I love that. It's almost, I feel like parenting for sure is not a one size fits all. Especially because children are so different that one thing might work for one child and something else might not work for your second child. So it's not like you can just like plug and chug.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

That would be really easy. How did you even get into velocity developmental psychology?

[B]

I was actually supposed to go into clinical where I would be a therapist and I would look for kind of the lens of diagnosis and psychopathology and, and then I took a Class of it was just an intro to developmental psychology and to study something where you're basically just diving into how we come to be who we are and paying it. I wasn't even a mom yet. I was just like, oh my God, it is so fascinating how humans develop and evolve into the adults that we are and how much happens in the earlier years though we're always changing in dynamic. And so I just got a little bit obsessed. And I think anybody with a PhD, it's a. If the feature isn't that you're like so good at school or so good at academia, it's that you are obsessive.

[A]

Kind of love that. How so? You mentioned like you got into it before you even became a parent. And then once you were a parent, how do you see your professional training intersecting with your real life parenting experiences?

[B]

Well, I definitely like, one of the things that I had to do in the early training that I got was video, like code interactions between parents and kids at these different time points. And you would give them what was called a three bag test and it would have like three items in a bag and they would take it out and you would let them do whatever they wanted with the kid. And then you'd score them on like sensitivity, support, intellectual development, control, blah, blah, blah. And I probably had to watch 2,000 of those interactions and score them. And so what I would say is like, to this day, like occasionally I'm thinking I would not give that a very high score, that interaction. But generally it gives me more ease with like potty training, sleeping, you know what to do about sort of big picture issues that maybe are challenging for other people because they're technical to me. But it doesn't mean that yesterday I didn't like get snippy with my daughter because she irritated me because my kids are older, so they're not as like adorable all the time. And so when those things happen, my kids are definitely like, do you want to put that on your podcast? You want to like tell everybody? That's the key way to respond in a self regulated way. And I'm like, no,

[A]

nothing. Putting you in check.

[B]

They definitely put me in check. But we try to have a sense of humor about it. And I've told them always like my job is not because they're like way of needling me is to say, you're a professional parent. And I'm like, oh my God, there's no such thing. And so I get things wrong. And we have a sense of humor about it. And I think the Key is just like, I. I love them and like, we all love our kids. So we have a close enough relationship that when I do make mistakes, I don't. They're not afraid to tell me, and I'm not afraid to apologize.

[A]

My daughter's only two, and I know that she is going to put me in my place in the future. Like, I. I can already sense that, which I kind of love. I'm like, you know what? Kids can help you grow as a person, too. And I'm looking forward to that. I mean, I already have because you're so. You. You grow so much as a person when you go from not having kids to having kids. So I'm sure that's also translated into your professional life as well.

[B]

Oh, my God. I'm a. Completely. Professionally. I'm completely different than I was when I started. And also, just a fun fact about the brain. The third biggest point of development in the human brain is that the transition to parenthood. So. So when you are going through something that major, and people call it mom brain sometime, but they think of it as like a. I'm losing cognition. It's actually, you're just reallocating and growing in certain areas, and it's really cool.

[A]

It's. It's very interesting and it makes a lot of sense because two years ago, I can't say I was the same person, but I want to transition into. Talking about your book, the Five Principles of Parenting, I. And one thing that stands out is good enough parenting. Can you explain why striving for perfection actually makes things harder on kids and why moms feel like they need to be perfect?

[B]

Well, I think that moms feel like they need to be perfect because women in particular are already predisposed to wanting everything to be perfect. And so we've already got that, you know, that starts early on. And then there's this most important thing in our lives, our kids, and so all of a sudden, you're so vulnerable, and control and getting things right makes us feel, like, less vulnerable. So when you compound that with, like, social media and all the stuff that's coming at you, and it's really hard to know, like, is this expert advice? Is this. Even if it is expert advice, speaking to me emotionally and with my values, like, is it making me feel at ease or really freaked out? I think all those things lend themselves to sort of a perfectionist spin on parenting. And then we have to think about, like, wait a second, if I'm perfect, which obviously none of us. That's not attainable but even if it were, who wants to look at the person in their life that represented like, you have daughters, I have daughters. Like the person in their life that is like, what it means to be a woman, they will be looking to us. And if what that means is perfect, what a crappy legacy we've left. You know, because you grow up and you find out the truth, which is you're not perfect. And if you still believe or buy into the fact that your mother was, it would make you feel so unworthy. And if, you know, she was inauthentic and pretending to be, but was never like a person, that would also cause friction. So I, I really want to encourage people to just accept that we're going to blow it sometimes and actually know that when we do work, we're doing some other muscle work like growth. That's not as pretty and it's more uncomfortable, but it's actually also really wonderful for our kids to see.

[A]

Yeah, I feel like almost not being a perfect parent is more important because then they see you able to grow and you able to like, oh, mommy made a mistake. Mommy is sorry. X, Y and Z. Whereas in if I'm perfect, my daughter's going to grow up thinking like, wow, like I have a lot to live up to.

[B]

Yeah, that's. No, nobody wants to live up to that. It's really, it's really a burden for kids. So I, I think when we berate ourselves for not getting it right sometimes, if there even is such a thing, remember that, like, give yourself grace. And also remember, I'm unburdening my daughter right now.

[A]

I like that a lot. I'm gonna think, wow, I just lost my temper. Okay. You know what? I'm actually doing her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Actually par right now still. Yeah, life is really busy these days. I mean, everybody has so many things going on. Everyone's trying to do side hustles and their normal job and keep up a relationship. How can parents create a calm home when life can be really chaotic and schedules can be very unpredictable?

[B]

So I would just like pick three anchors in your child's day and in your day that are non negotiable. And then of course know that every once in a while it becomes negotiable. But if for the majority of the time you always read before bed, you always sing one song at wake up time, and you always like blow six kisses when before drop off small enough that you can guarantee that it's the same every day, then the chaos doesn't feel as chaotic. There's Something that's predictable and it kind of anchors your day and more of those opportunities you have, the calmer everybody can feel, even in chaos. And then it's also acknowledging, like, I have to reshuffle my priorities. Like, if it's, if it's not possible to find three consistent, even tiny things to do each day, your day needs to be readjusted. We have to shake things up a bit. We're doing too much and no child needs that now. There are some circumstances where parents, parents just don't have a choice. Like their circumstances are so challenging that it's inevitably going to be more chaotic. I still think you can find one song to sing in the morning, you know, a few kisses to blow at drop off and a bedtime book no matter what.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

By the way, I'm not saying those are the things. I'm just picking things that are pretty attainable.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

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[A]

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[B]

It has to be or it's unsustainable and you would have such burnout. And you know, like with your first kid you're going to be more conscientious about it. And then the more kids you have, the more you're like. But you realize you prioritize and all that stuff that you thought was so important isn't going to be as important. For example, mealtime together is very important to have at Least four family meals a week is really important, but that's very attainable. When you think about how many meals a day there are that we're just talking about four a week instead of thinking every single meal, we're going to sit down, we're going to look into each other's eyes, we're going to communicate, we're going to have healthy eating habits in front of them, but not talk about it. And we're not going to talk like all the things. If you just say, I just need to find four sit down meals that is attainable. And that's what the research shows.

[A]

Yes. Well, and speaking of research, while becoming a first time parent, I tried to read as many books as I could and then I'm finding, okay, all these books are kind of contradicting one another. And then I'm like, oh, I didn't know this was controversial. And this. Are there any myths about early childhood development that you wish would disappear?

[B]

Yes. And I really. Look, research isn't as like it's research. We learn new things. It's not your individual circumstances. But we can look at averages and on average we see zero difference in, for example, secure attachment relationships, whether a parent breastfeeds or doesn't breastfeed, or a child sleeps in their family bedroom or in a separate room. So a lot of those procedural things like how you decide to do sleep and feeding are so irrelevant as long as you are getting sleep and feeding. This is not to say that I, I breastfed both my daughters for their first year because I loved it so much because I had a C section. And I really felt like at the time, I don't know that I would feel this way today. At the time I felt less than because I had a C section. And I was like, oh, we'll have to do something very natural because I did a C section. So for me it was a very wonderful experience. But I had friends for whom they were forcing themselves to do it because they thought it was better for their child. But they were crying all day because they then couldn't take care of themselves. And I was like, no, that is totally harmful to you. Do not do that. Because what's important is how you feel connected to this baby. So I think that would be the biggest set of myths, that there's this sort of right way to feed or you know, put to sleep or any of those things crying it out or versus not crying it out as long as you wait till the brain is a little bit more developed. So they need to Get a few months of getting, you know, you. You respond to their cries. But if you want to spend a week or two with some crying it out because you're just like, I need to sleep. They need to sleep. Everybody's going to be fine. If you don't believe in that and you are like, no, we're going to sleep in the same room in the same. You know, as long as you're safe. The American Academy of Pediatrics likes you to be in a co sleeper. Not in the same bed, but whatever you want that lets the child sleep is the best sleep. So there are tons of books that you're going to see. Like, there's a very famous book that talks about how bad that crying it out is for the brain. And babies who did cry it out in. It talks about, like, research studies, and it says that they had failure to thrive and didn't have secure attachment. All these things. And what people don't know if they're reading a book like that is like, hmm, what study did that come from in that case? That book was referencing studies done in Romanian orphanages where kids were. Babies were put in giant gymnasiums and left to just be. So, like, of course, crying and not getting attended to is horrible for them. That is quite different than in a loving household where for like, a couple of nights, you're like, I'm gonna put you to sleep, and then you're probably not gonna want me to leave the room, but I'm gonna leave the room, and then I'll come back when you're asleep. That is totally unfair to parents.

[A]

So. And.

[B]

And again, if you don't want to do that, that's okay too. So I think on both sides of these kinds of things, those myths are there. I would say other things are related to discipline, and those are probably the three categories. Feeding, discipline, and sleep.

[A]

It's definitely where I see the most, like, discourse is like, the crying it out or the like, fed is best versus, like, oh, no, breast is best. And it's crazy. I actually, I also had a C section, and I had a very successful breastfeeding journey until it wasn't. And then I pumped up until a year. And it's crazy because looking back now, I put so much pressure on myself because I. It was like I couldn't control the C section, but I could control this.

[B]

Totally get it.

[A]

And this next baby, I'm like, if it doesn't work out, breastfeeding, I. Because my mental health started to pay a huge price for it with exclusively pumping and I'm like, wait, I'm giving her like, yes, the benefit of food, but I at the same time am losing, like, it's almost like I'm resenting doing this and it's affecting my mental health, which makes me a worse parent.

[B]

Exactly. So you have to be self reflective as a parent. You just have. So that you can say, like, wait, this is crazy. This is crazy that I've allowed culture to influence me to the point where I resent my kid because instead of hanging out with them, I'm sitting here with a pump and I'm like waking up all the time and I'm, it's, it's great.

[A]

I would recommend.

[B]

And then for people who love it, Godspeed. But it's, you know, we're, we're not in a situation where we're talking about like nutrition at that point.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah. I don't, I don't know actually what I was thinking, but you do a lot of crazy things postpartum, especially with your first.

[B]

You're trying to sort of control what feels controllable.

[A]

Absolutely. Which, when you, when you're a parent, you can't really control everything. And so I have a two year old and I have another one on the way. Do you think, is it, do you think there is a right time or wrong way to prep a toddler to become a big sister?

[B]

Ideally, because they don't have a sense of time. You wait till you're showing. Otherwise it just doesn't land until you have this concrete belly where you could be like, there's a baby in here and that baby is your sister and you're going to meet her. And you could talk about the seasons. Let's say it's winter now and you're going to meet her in the summertime. So when the trees come back and the leaves are green, then you're going to meet your sister. And then it's a matter of not talking about it so much that it feels like everything is the center is this baby, periodically mentioning it and then not promising that everything's going to be great. You're going to be so obsessed with this baby. You're going to love this baby. Because that's not true. You can be more realistic as you know, it gets closer. You really don't need to give much information other than let me know if you have any questions. And then if she has the language to ask questions, she might ask you a little bit about what to expect. And you can say, lots of babies cry a lot. They need their diapers changed. They sleep a lot. You know, you're giving sort of a reality check because the fun playmate that you're going to have isn't coming for a long time. So you don't need to talk about that.

[A]

Absolutely. And when it comes to like, prepping before a baby gets here, let's say potty training, would you recommend doing that before or after a baby? Because I feel like in my own personal head, I'm like, oh, I don't want her to think that I'm going to force all these new things on her because the baby's here and then, you know, taking away my attention. So I'm curious.

[B]

Well, you want to wait. You want to have only one transition for every six weeks, six, eight weeks. You don't want to do getting rid of a pacifiers, potty training, going into a big kid bed. Like, all those things need to be separated out, as does becoming a new sibling. So it doesn't matter whether you do it before or after, so much as giving it some breathing room so that it's not like piled on. And also, just in case you were thinking, no crib when the baby comes, you should keep the crib for three years. Like, there's no reason to torture yourself. A two year old's gonna get out of the bed and they're gonna come in your room.

[A]

Yeah, I kind of already figured that. She actually has yet to find out that she could probably crawl. I mean, she is in the 105th percentile, so she can definitely crawl out of her crib if she wanted to, but she hasn't figured it out. Yeah, I'm like, she hasn't figured that out yet. So we're gonna keep her there until she figures that out. And then once the baby's here, how do I tell a difference between just like normal toddler behavior versus, like actual jealousy? And when do I need to intervene versus, like, let it play out?

[B]

The thing is that the hardest age is typically 3, so sometimes 2 feels harder. But really that's because you haven't had a three year old yet. So I would say three is usually the hardest. Sometimes two is, but definitely in the two to three. So I would. You don't need to know whether it's typical toddler jealousy because you'll have the same response, which is if she's pushing limits, you're gonna hold them with gently but firmly. And like harming another human. A baby human is not on the table. Like, that's not an option. But you can be angry and you can be resentful, and you can even want, you know, to say, I don't like this baby, as long as you don't do anything. And that would be true for, you know, whether there's jealousy or no jealousy, it would be true if it were a playdate without a sibling. It's just the one thing to keep in mind is how do you feel? Like, the idea is. And I remember I cried on the way to the hospital giving birth to my youngest. I was sobbing because I was like, I will never love anybody as much as I love my oldest. This is a sham. And, you know, and I'm a developmental psychologist. Like, I knew what to expect. And I still. I cried saying goodbye to her. I cried, you know, on the way to the hospital. I was just like, how could I do this to her? She. I'm like, her. We're like, it's us, you know? And then the second I gave birth, and this doesn't happen to everybody, but the second I gave birth to my younger one, Vivian, I was like, oh. Oh, my heart just grew, and I have so much room. And I was like, I. I could cry thinking about it. So I'm so excited for you. And if it doesn't happen right away, it happens. There's one thing. There's one thing that you vert. You. You almost never see in studies about mothers and babies. You almost never see a mother who doesn't love her baby. It's even in the depths of addiction and terrible circumstances. It's. It is how we are wired to be. And so you don't have to worry about that. But it's still, like, a thought. It's still a thought. And so. Well, now I forgot the question.

[A]

You've. You've answered it. It is interesting, though, because I think everybody talks about, like, oh, the second you see your child, it's gonna instantly change. For me, I was having a C section. There's a bunch of surgeons in the room. It wasn't how I had pictured it. But then we're in our recovery room, my husband's asleep. I'm taking care of the baby, and I'm like, this is okay. Now I'm. I'm getting what they're talking about, and I. I'm sure it's going to happen with a second. But it is crazy because the first thing I thought of when I found out I was pregnant is, oh, my gosh, it's not just gonna be me and her anymore. And it. That made me sad. But I also still have to think okay, yes. But I'm gonna give her a sister for her life and we're gonna have so many memories as a family. But it's hard to think about that in the moment.

[B]

You just have to give yourself room to be sad about it because you're, you're saying you're letting go of a, a version of your life, each other. That was like a dyad. It was two people. I mean, also your partner.

[A]

Yeah, him too.

[B]

But. But it's like, it is natural to feel like, oh, my God. And then it's also a wild thing to have that moment of I just got the best gift in the world, and I've given the best gift in the world. But it's just hard to. It's hard to imagine, like, you know, intellectually that that's the way it's going to go down.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The timing of it, you know, it can take a while. And for the older siblings, often they're perfectly happy the first six to nine months because it's a blob a little bit more. Right. And then once they start crawling and interacting and people are like, watching them respond, then you see the, the kind of rejecting behaviors that you might have braced for in the early weeks and months.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

Speaking of like changes in the family, is there anything a dad or a partner can do that can actually help with the transition of bringing a new baby home when you already have a child at home?

[B]

Well, okay, they first of all it's so fabulous because they've by now typically really attached to the older child and it's a great opportunity for them to go on, you know, like, like a. What are those little they make like mini cups of just frosted milk, like frothy milk at Starbucks or a coffee shop. Like you see so many dads and toddlers getting One of those little baby chinos. And I think it's so funny because you know that it's. Because most likely it's like the other parent is sleeping in or there's another baby at home. But those moments to sort of make special outings with dad are great and not comparing, obviously, in any way, shape or form, the baby and the older child. And also taking care of you because your mental health is the top of the pyramid. The top, top, top. It's the mo, actually, that would be the foundation of the entire household. And so whatever you need, you need. That is what you can do as a mother is to make sure that your needs are getting met to the extent that they can. And that your husband is like, I've got this. And he can do concrete things like feeding, diaper changing, you know, just like the things that are easy to learn. Swaddling, like a dad who can swaddle is a very helpful thing.

[A]

Absolutely. And how can parents keep their relationship from taking a back seat during those early years without adding pressure or guilt?

[B]

So I think dads have to do a lot of work.

[A]

The.

[B]

The burden is definitely historically on the moms, but I think if the dads can do a little bit of work of not being centered for a little while, it can help. And also, moms can do a little bit of work saying, you know what? I'm going to almost force myself to have a date, even though I feel like I don't want to leave the house or I don't want to leave the babies. But you're feeding your relationship, and having a healthy, wonderful relationship that they get to see over years and years is more beneficial than you being home that Wednesday night that you guys went on your date night.

[A]

Absolutely. And I also just. I have to believe that it's healthy for your kids to see that it is.

[B]

And, you know, being affectionate is really important. And because you're getting so much oxytocin from the baby, you can forget that your husband needs, like, a little, you know, a little petting as well. And so it's really wonderful to remember, oh, I get more oxytocin. Like, that's the love hormone. I'm getting more because I'm the mom. So he'll get a little. But you're getting the bulk of it. And so you need to give him his oxytocin hit every day. And that comes from looking into each other's eyes. And, look, I'm making the most ridiculous gesture. But, you know, whatever is affection in your family and So I think those small things and, and learning each other's temperament and like, not their actual love language, but like, the. The idea of, like, well, what. What is a small gesture of appreciation that no matter what, I can still, you know, I can still notice in my partner.

[A]

Absolutely. And I mean, the newborn days, you're exhausted, you're doing a lot. The days are kind of blending in. How do we give ourselves grace while still feeling like we're showing up as good enough parents? And like, how do you know you're actually doing okay?

[B]

Well, okay, so there is a couple things in that question. First of all, you, the mother, which is my most important person in this scenario, and there is no mother without child or child without mother. It's really. It's what we call in the research. It's a dyadic relationship because you. You exist. You don't exist without each other as a mother, child. Right. And so you taking care of yourself is taking care of your child. And you need to have check. Like just a check in with yourself. Am I tearing up at a commercial or tearing up at, like, just how fast it's all going or whatever? This is like little light baby blues and emotions and hormones. But if you're just feeling detached, disconnected, inconsolably crying, you have to go run. Don't walk to your ob GYN or to the pediatrician and get that managed. It's the most important thing. It's totally manageable. And that. That's my first sort of like, take care of yourself. And that's one of those things where you kind of have to just know that healthcare providers see it all the time and they are not judging. They are so, so honored to have a mother vulnerably come to them and say, something's not right here is off. Which is, you know, which is quite different than you're tearing up at every commercial and having somebody be like, maybe a postpartum depression, and you feel like throwing a shoe at them because you're just like, no, that's one thing. And the other thing is you are getting it right. Like, if you're even thinking about it, and you have a moment of tenderness with yourself and with your baby, you. It is so hard to mess up the first nine months as long as you are loving you, and I hope this makes you feel better. But there's tons of research on observing mother infant pairs, and they are attuned that, like, really beautiful word that we talk about when we're talking about connecting and having a good relationship. They're attuned with one each other with one another 33% of the time in healthy relationships. And the entire rest of the time is disconnect, discord and reconnection, repair back and forth. That is much more attainable than the sort of fantasy mother of I'm like just gazing into your eyes and I feel exclusive connection with you for the entirety of a 24 hour period. That's ridiculous. So just knowing that in healthy, securely attached mother child relationships, it's 33% of the time attuned and the rest of the time and discord doesn't mean you're arguing with an infant. It means that you looked at your phone or you kind of checked out or you zoned, you know, like you're zoning. And the repair doesn't mean in that case that you're like, mommy's so sorry. And I didn't mean to be mad at you because it's very unlikely that that's what's going on. The repair is you reconnect your eyes catch each other again. That's repair. So it looks quite different than. It really shouldn't be called repair, it should be called reconnection. So if you're telling me 33% of the time, I feel pretty connected to my kid and the rest of the time is this discord and repair. You're doing great. Love that.

[A]

And then last question before we jump into some rapid fire questions. What's one thing that you wish every parent knew?

[B]

One thing that I wish. Is this a rapid fire question? Okay, well, I, I do. I, I think just keep having in your mind, all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. Okay, that feeling is allowed. We are all allowed to feel however we feel because nobody controls any of our feelings except, you know, like, how we're managing them. But the behavior side of it, I'm gonna, I'm gonna set limits on that. And then you kind of get the whole gist of parenting and our responsibility as parents in one sentence. And I think I, I'd like parents to know that, that they're the right parent for their kid the majority of the time. And if you feel like you're not, go get help. I love that.

[A]

I truly do. Let's jump into some rapid. I'm gonna use that on my husband. All feelings are welcome, but all behaviors are not. I'm actually gonna use that. I hope he's listening to this right now. Some rapid fire this or that parenting in sports terms. So toddler tantrum timeout or penalty box. So like penalty box Being like, yes.

[B]

Yeah. Depends on the family. Depends on the kid. Depends how it's done, by the way. Psychologists are really good at. On the one hand. On the other hand, this is going

[A]

to be a fun this or that.

[B]

But typically timeouts are limited to, like, really problematic, like, aggressive behavior when you're just sort of like, it's that or I'm gonna get really angry. And then, and then obviously, like a peaceful timeout is better than getting angry.

[A]

Handling sibling fights. Let them play through it or blow the whistle.

[B]

Let them, let them play through it. Unless somebody is going to be harmed, like blood or, you know, something. Broken bones.

[A]

Yeah. Kids, sports. Let them choose their sport or pick for them.

[B]

Let them choose their sport.

[A]

Picky, picky. Eating battles. Force the full playbook. Or take what you can get.

[B]

Take what you can get.

[A]

I like that because my daughter, I swear she's like osmosis eating these days. Bedtime routine. Yeah, like bedtime routine, strict playbook or calling audibles.

[B]

I mean, nothing to me is ever super strict. But I would be pretty vigilant because sleep is. Is one of the best things you can do for your kids.

[A]

I love that. Your parenting approach. Team sport or individual sport?

[B]

Team sport, ideally.

[A]

Love that. And then where can the people find you?

[B]

Oh, I'm. I have a podcast, Raising Good Humans podcast. I have a sub stack. Dr. Eliza pressman.substack.com I'm on Instagram at Raising Good Humans podcast and I have a lot of free resources there and also at Mount Sinai. ParentingCenter.org I love that.

[A]

Thank you so much for coming on.

[B]

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited for you. I love daughters.

[A]

I'll touch in what's the next baby is here and I'm surviving. But thank you guys so much for tuning in. Be sure to tune in every Sunday wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for listening. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

[B]

Individuals on the show may have a

[A]

direct or indirect financial interest in products

[B]

or services referred to in this episode.