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Suze Orman
Hi, everybody. Suzio here. Now, what is the goal of money? The goal of money is for you to be secure. And there is no better way for you to be secure than having an emergency savings account. It is essential for your financial foundation. So all of you should be participating in the ultimate opportunity savings account at Alliant Credit Union. Go to myalliant.com to find out more. And be secure.
Robert
Hi, everybody. This is Robert, the producer here. Now, stay with me. I just have two very quick things to tell you before we get to today's episode. Now, the other day, Susie posted a picture of herself on the Women and money community app, and she asked all of you how old you thought she was in that photograph. And then she posted that the right answer would be revealed on today's podcast. So. So the correct answer is, Susie is 40 years old in that picture. Pretty cool, right? I really dig that sweater. The second thing that I need to say to you is happy Thanksgiving and thank you for listening to this podcast. And now on with a brand new episode.
Unknown
I put my arm around show you how strong I am I put my armor on I'll show you that I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm unstoppable I'm a ver with no breaks I'm invincible yeah I would never single game I'm so powerful I don't need batteries to play I'm so confident yeah I'm unstoppable.
Suze Orman
Today, November 28, 2024.
Katie
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Suze Orman
Why are you gobbling, Katie?
Katie
Today's turkey day, everybody. Probably my most favorite holiday of all time.
Suze Orman
And why is that? Well, it's because of my stuffing.
Katie
This is the day that Susie traditionally cook, cooks, and cooks the best turkey dinner ever, ever, ever, ever. We used to have massive, you know, family members and groups and gatherings. Now it's pared down.
Suze Orman
No, they don't love us anymore.
Katie
No, they love us and they so want us.
Suze Orman
They all have their families. Families. Family.
Katie
It got too big. We didn't have enough chairs. So when you run out of chairs, you have to kind of refigure the plan. So now it's colo, Susie and kt.
Suze Orman
And we actually love that because KT Fishing tournament.
Katie
Wahoo tournament.
Suze Orman
All right. And once again, we are in the tournament, weather permitting. What I was trying to say, have you all noticed a trend that normally I start with the date, then I welcome all of you because we always have new people. Have you noticed the trend that before I can do anything after the date, Katie's on.
Katie
Gobble, gobble, gobble. It is a trend that I hope never ends.
Suze Orman
There you go. This is the Ask KT and Susie Anything edition. And this is the Women and Money podcast. And everybody smart enough to listen. Now, today we're going to do something that we did before, but we're going to do it again. It's going to be a conversation. Oh, yeah, recently I got an email because I read the emails along with KT and I said, kt, this email I think is appropriate for Thanksgiving. And even though people are going to listen to this podcast two weeks after Thanksgiving and whatever, it's an appropriate conversation. Because today, even though it's Thanksgiving, in my wishes for the world, I wish every day would be a day that we give thanks for. Thanks for the sun rising, thanks for the sun setting, thanks for whatever it may be. But I want all of us to have a thankful heart. This is also a time today, especially when families gather and they come together as one if they can, and they share joy. But not everybody is in that situation. Some people are in different situations.
Katie
The email that we're about to read is not necessarily about Thanksgiving menus and recipes. It's about family. And it's about the awkward and the difficult and the sadder side of what families may experience or go through, especially the child with the parent when it.
Suze Orman
Comes to to money.
Katie
Oh, absolutely. That's why we're here.
Suze Orman
So sit down with us, relax. And I want you to participate in this conversation as well. I want you to ask yourselves the question, how would you answer it? How do you feel about it? And maybe it can give you some insight to also open up a conversation with your entire family and see how they feel feel about it on the reverse side as well. All right, kt.
Katie
So this is from Cecilia, a daughter. She wrote, Dear Susan, kt, your guidance is a blessing and I'm so thankful you are a channel for good in the world. You often address parental questions around how to wisely act for future generations. But what about family situations in which the parents are financially irresponsible? Is there a financial obligation of the child towards the parent, or is it primarily the parent towards the child? My parents have been in debt and financially irresponsible my entire life, even needing to borrow money from me in my youth. Now listen to this everyone, and think about this. I still remember at age 6, my little yet precious savings taken. I've had to, in many ways raise myself and teach myself how to be responsible with money. Thirty years later, I'm now an adult, and they still just want to take. So Cecilia is obviously referencing her parents. She said, I've tried to guide them, even recommending your podcast, Susie, but they cannot improve and apply any knowledge for change. So Cecilia has a problem, right, Susie? She said, our relationship has grown ever distant as they judge all my actions with a monetary mindset. Their competitive nature is incessantly sizing me up and seeing how they could benefit even if I wasn't in a position truly able to give. They see all of my actions as having so much more than them because they are in such a place of lack. So that's a very awkward place for Cecilia to be in. So, Susie, how can I balance giving while not playing the role of the parent? As your mantra starts with people first, if I don't give, I can feel guilty, and if I do give, then I feel taken advantage of and like I'm perpetuating an endless cycle. I understand there's a financial obligation parents have towards their children, having brought them into this world, but is there any reason reverse obligation, or can I feel free of their expectations towards me? I especially find myself concerned as they inch closer to retirement ages and don't have much of any sufficient nest for all those years to come. Susie, thank you for your care and help. Please tell me what to do. Cecelia.
Suze Orman
So kt, you just read that letter? We're not answering her questions yet. I'm curious as to how it made you personally feel. What did it bring up for you?
Katie
Wow, Susie, it made me feel so lucky, privileged, loved, cared for. It made me feel as opposite to what Cecilia has experienced throughout her life. My parents, my family, my siblings, so supportive. My parents so did without in order to take care of six children. But they were responsible, Totally responsible. But I didn't know how much they actually gave up till I became an adult. I did not really understand that.
Robert
Why?
Katie
Because I think kids are young and selfish.
Suze Orman
Right. And the reason that I asked you that, kt, is that even more than me, truthfully. Obviously, I spent a lot of money on my mother and everything, but it was a very different thing with me and my mother. You loved that you could help your.
Katie
Mother and my dad.
Suze Orman
You wanted to help your mother and father. Now, was it your responsibility to do so or was it your desire to do so because of how they took care of you and how responsible they were financially growing up, we never any.
Katie
Of us felt that we were responsible because they never put us in that position ever.
Suze Orman
So then it was a joy for you to Give them.
Katie
Oh, my God. It was something that not only we looked forward to, but I worked really hard because I wanted to give them something special or thank them in a way that I knew they could never have for themselves.
Suze Orman
And then because they were so responsible with money, as they got older and they got sick and your father had a stroke, all these things that happened, right? One of the happiest things in your life was being able to get your mommy a home, make sure she had a private aid, do all these things for her. And that was like. Because I remember the day she died, you were so thrilled that we did such a good job, that she still had $60,000 left so that all the kids, not you, but could get $15,000 each immediately, because she had a will and a trust and everything. Do you remember that feeling?
Katie
Yes.
Suze Orman
All right. Why do I ask KT that? Cecelia, did you just hear that? Obviously, it is a parent's responsibility, bar none, to take care of their children, nourish their children, educate their children so that they can grow up and learn how to thrive in this world of ours. It is their responsibility to do so. It seems like they did a pretty good job with you. And why is that? Because you saw by their behavior how you did not want to do that. I just want you to all put a pin in that for a second. You said something in this email that I found so fascinating. And I don't know if you remember this, kt, I have a thing with the Nine Steps to Financial Freedom, which was the best book I've ever written, bar none.
Katie
Still a great book.
Suze Orman
And the whole book's premise to begin with is your first childhood money. Memory determines what happens to you in life. I went around and I started to ask a question. Not to 10 people, not to 50 people, thousands of people. Could they ever remember Mommy or Daddy taking money from your piggy bank and not paying you back? Well, everybody, even if they're incredibly wealthy today, whatever. That one action of taking money from a piggy bank and not replacing it scarred them. But it did kt. Right. But it was that one memory that also spurred all those people to go and save money on their own and be responsible for it on their own. So even though that's a hurtful action and memory that you have, I would almost guarantee you that it is that one action, plus many after that, that has made you the successful woman you are today. So sometimes when we look in our past, you have to not dwell in the sadness of your past. You have to dwell in the happiness of who you are right now and how you feel about yourself right now. So that was for you, Cecilia. Kt. With that said, I just have to go back again to answer Cecilia's number one question. Is it the responsibility of a child to take care of their parents? If the parents have been totally irresponsible with money and doing things with it, that's like throwing it out. Is it?
Katie
No.
Suze Orman
There you go. I agree with that. Would it be any different if your parents were drug addicts? Because I've gone through this many times with people. They're drug addicts, they're alcoholics, they're gamblers, and they have no money, and they always want the money from the kids so they can go back to the gambling. They have nothing. Nothing. Would you give them the money then?
Katie
I would give them intervention. Right, But I would not give them money. I'd give them intervention, yes, but that's a responsibility.
Suze Orman
But, Cecilia, would you feel guilty not giving them money if that money was leading to the destruction of who they are? Drugs, alcohol, gambling? I want you to seriously think about that. I think it would be a lot easier, kt, for Cecilia to go, mom, I'm not giving you the money for you to go drink yourself to death. She could rationalize that. Right? It's very hard to rationalize not giving when they're just irresponsible, which means they spend money, they don't invest it, they don't take care of themselves. Do you agree with that?
Katie
Yeah, I do agree with it. That's why I'm saying, I think that Cecilia's difficulty here, Susie, is that it looks like she's the only source, she's the only money pit.
Suze Orman
I have a feeling she's the only child.
Katie
Yeah, I think she's the only money pit, which is why she's really in turmoil about how do I do this?
Suze Orman
So obviously, you see where this is going, Cecilia, number one, we're going to hopefully talk you off the wall of guilt. We're going to talk you off the wall of feeling that it's your responsibility. And we're going to talk to you on the wall of putting people first, then money, then things. Because the first thing I have to straighten out is this. When I say people first, I do not mean other people. I do not mean go out and take care of the world. I mean, you have got to take care of yourself. Maybe I need to change that to you first, then money, then things. But, Cecilia, the people I'm talking about in that phrase is you so you have to put yourself before money. You have to put yourself into a situation where you feel good about every action that you take. That's number one. Number two, again, I go back to this. How many years have I been saying that you and your money are one? If you give your money away to somebody who wastes it, what you are doing is you are giving a part of yourself away to your parents, not money. That's true. That's the vehicle. But you and your money are one. Money is a physical manifestation of who you are. So the reason that you feel so bad about this, in my opinion, is that you are disrespecting yourself. You are giving a part of yourself away which actually hurts more than giving money. If that made sense. Did that make sense to you? Kt?
Katie
Yeah, I think it does make a whole lot of sense to me. But I want the listeners to really understand what you're trying to do to help her.
Suze Orman
All right, so now I will get to that. Hopefully we have answered the question. Parents need and must be responsible for their children, in my opinion, in KT's opinion, some of you may disagree. There is no mandate that a child is responsible for a parent who is absolutely disrespectful of money, only loves me for money, any of those things. Now, when a parent gets old, they've been respectful, they've loved you, they've honored their money, they've done everything they can. That's another story. You know what's funny, kt, what I'm thinking of as I say this, how many parents, even if they're grandparents now, they're old and they still have their children alive, right? Say, I don't want to be a burden on my family.
Katie
Oh, many, they all do.
Suze Orman
Think about it, everybody. Do any of you want to be a burden, burden on your children? And I can tell you, if you love your children, the answer to that is no. A lot of times I talk to people and I go, why don't you just take a little vacation? Why can't you just get a little bit newer car so it doesn't break down on you in the middle of the night or whatever it is? And they say, no, I'm saving every penny for my kids. I want my kids to have every everything. Cecilia that's how loving parents think. They don't look at their kids as a money ticket. They don't make their kids feel bad. So if you choose to give money away, right, you cannot feel like you are being taken advantage of them. And I'm Quoting your email right now, you have to feel like you are disrespecting yourself. Did you hear what I just said, Cecilia? This isn't about. They have so much power that they could take advantage of you, so you give them money. Only you have the power to make a decision what you do with money, what you do with your life. So, number one, you have got to get this concept of they're taking advantage of you if you give them money out of your mind. What else would I tell you to do? The first thing I would tell you to do, believe it or not, is I would go see them. I would sit down with them, and I would look them right in the eye, and maybe you tell them to listen to this podcast or that you want to play this podcast for them. Sit with them and let them listen to this podcast. They don't want to find. No problem. You go over and you sit with them and you say, mom and Dad, I love you very much. However, I am letting you know, from this day on, I am not giving you any more money. If you need food, I'll go get food for you and give you food. But make it clear to them that the bank of Sicilia is closed. No matter what they say, no matter how bad off they get, you have to be strong enough to let them hit rock bottom. Because I have found over my 40 years of doing this, change doesn't come easy. And change normally comes, financially speaking, when the people have hit rock bottom, they have no more credit lines, they have nobody to go to to ask for money. Every avenue of that financial river has been dammed up, and they are bound. So that's what you have to do, and you have to be strong enough to do that.
Katie
So, Susie, I agree with all of that, but I would have a slightly different approach. I would talk to my parents, and I would let them know clearly that I don't feel good. I've been feeling very sad and very depressed. And they say, why, honey? Say, because I feel that you only want me around for my money. So therefore, I need to feel that you love me for who I am. From this day forward, I'm going to stop financing you or giving you money or bailing you out.
Suze Orman
All right, let's role play. You're Cecilia. I'm Mom. All right, you came to me and you just said that. And I say, that is not true. We love you for who you are. We've never loved you for your money. We've. Da, da, da, da, da. Because you have to understand, kt Parents like this are in total denial. Anyway, you come from a place because you are so sweet. So sweet. And you actually don't know anything other than love. So just remember, KT comes from a family. She has never experienced anything but love in her life. How fabulous is that?
Katie
I know. Very fabulous.
Suze Orman
So go on.
Katie
That's what I'm always thankful for every day. So what I would do, Mom. All right. You're my mom, right? I'm Cecilia.
Suze Orman
I've never felt that way about you. Why do you say that you're wrong?
Katie
If you mean that, mom, then starting today, I don't want you to ask for money. I'm not going to give you or Daddy any more money. But I did come up with a couple ideas for you to help you when you get in those jams or to make ends meet. I think that you can do a couple of things to make money or to find money other than calling me for it. One is just like what?
Suze Orman
Like what? Cecilia, look at this house. I have nothing here. Look at everything around me.
Katie
Mom, you have a lot of things. And you can sell things you don't use or need anymore.
Suze Orman
Now, who would want to buy this junk?
Katie
Well, a lot of people. You have a yard sale and you give it a shot, you can probably make about $50, $100, who knows? But start with that, Mom. Second, you may want to downsize and live in a smaller, more affordable place. And, and then there's the jobs. There's always part time work and jobs and opportunities that you can do on the side to try to make those ends meet. The only thing, mom and dad, that I'm absolutely always going to be there for you is to make sure that you're eating healthy. And I can always assist you in providing a hot meal or maybe even come and cook for you once a month.
Suze Orman
Kt, that was actually great. But Cecilia, did you see how that went? Don't go in there when you sit down expecting that your mother and father are going a first time in your life, understand anything that you are saying.
Katie
Yeah, they're going to. They won't embrace you with love. They're going to probably get really mad.
Suze Orman
So, but here is.
Katie
So be ready.
Suze Orman
But here is why I want you to do it. You aren't doing this for them. You are doing this for yourself. You are doing this so that you can be clear that you have set boundaries. You've said what you wanted to say. That's that you do it for yourself. If they hear you, fine. If they don't Hear you? Fine. All that matters is you have a voice and you said it, remember? I've said your voice is your power. And you need to switch from guilty to not guilty. You need to switch from feeling taken advantage of to knowing you're not being taken advantage of. You cannot give out a guilt. If you give out a guilt, then you have totally disrespected yourself as well. So you are going to have to become far stronger than you have ever been. And why do I say that? You have given to them out of weakness, not strength. You have given to them out of the wrong reasons because it's easier to give than to say no. You now have to say no out of love for yourself versus yes, out of fear that they're not going to like you. They're not going to do this. Oh, please. Look at your relationship already. That would be our advice to you. Our advice where you stand in the truth of your own self respect, your own love, and your own thankfulness for giving yourself a life where you are financially pretty much independent. You are doing things exactly how you want in your own life. And be thankful as well that you have parents like that, because that's what you have. So you might as well be thankful because look at the gifts they gave you and the gifts that they gave you are gifts of self independence. So that brings us to the end of this Susie and KT conversation. Did you enjoy that, kt?
Katie
I did, but it's a little depressing.
Suze Orman
It's not depressing. It actually.
Katie
It's actually liberating, isn't it?
Suze Orman
It's liberating, but it's standing in your truth. And I have to tell you, kt, this is not just one person having this problem.
Katie
No.
Suze Orman
There's probably hundreds of thousands of people out there, maybe millions. Which is why I chose it for today. Because I know that more of you will relate to this than less of you, believe it or not. So, therefore, there's only one thing that we want to do today besides wish you a very, very happy Thanksgiving. And if you're listening to this podcast, after Thanksgiving, we hope you had a great one. But it's this people first. And remember, when I say that, I mean you. Then what? Kt, then money, then things. And if you do that, stay healthy, stay safe. We promise you, you will be unstoppable.
Katie
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Suze Orman
And there she goes again.
Unknown
I won every single game. I'm so powerful, I don't need batteries to play. I'm so confident. Yeah, I'm Unstoppable today Unstoppable today Unstoppable today Unstoppable today I'm unstoppable today.
Suze Orman
Hi everybody, Suzy O Here now. If you are looking for a way to start saving to get the most out of your money, I want you to go to myalliant.com that's M y a l l I a n t dot com and look opening an Ultimate Opportunity Savings Account. Put in at least $100 a month every single month for 12 consecutive months. Earn 3.10% interest on your money right now and get $100 at the end. Are you kidding me? It's the best deal out there. Start saving right now.
Robert
Neither Susie Orman Media nor Susie Orman is acting as a Certified Financial Planner Advisor, a Certified Financial Analyst, an economist, cpa, accountant or lawyer. Neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman make any recommendations as to any specific securities or investments. All content contained in this podcast is for informational and general purposes only and does not constitute financial accounting or legal advice. You should consult your own tax, legal and financial advisors regarding your particular situation. Neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman accepts any responsibility for any losses which may arise from accessing or reliance on information in this podcast and to the fullest extent permitted by law, we exclude all liability for loss damages, direct or indirect, arising from the use of this information. The must have documents discussed in this podcast are legal documents created by a lawyer and distributed by Hay House.
Podcast Information:
The episode begins with Suze Orman emphasizing the importance of financial security through emergency savings:
Suze Orman [00:00]: "The goal of money is for you to be secure. And there is no better way for you to be secure than having an emergency savings account."
Following a brief promotional segment, Robert, the podcast producer, shares a lighthearted Thanksgiving message and reveals a fun fact about Suze's age in a recent photo:
Robert [00:32]: "The correct answer is, Susie is 40 years old in that picture. Pretty cool, right?"
The hosts, Suze and KT, exchange festive greetings and set the tone for a Thanksgiving-themed discussion, highlighting both the joyous and challenging aspects of family gatherings.
The core of the episode revolves around an email from a listener named Cecilia, who grapples with the financial responsibilities toward her parents. Cecilia's situation is deeply personal and resonates with many who face similar challenges:
Cecilia [05:07]: "My parents have been in debt and financially irresponsible my entire life, even needing to borrow money from me in my youth... our relationship has grown ever distant as they judge all my actions with a monetary mindset."
Cecilia seeks guidance on balancing the desire to help her parents financially without feeling exploited or perpetuating a harmful cycle.
KT shares her contrasting experience, expressing gratitude for supportive parents who instilled financial responsibility:
Katie [08:43]: "It made me feel so lucky, privileged, loved, cared for. My parents so did without in order to take care of six children... responsible, totally responsible."
This personal anecdote serves as a foundation for the ensuing advice, highlighting the diversity of parent-child financial relationships.
Suze delves into the psychological underpinnings of Cecilia's struggle, referencing her own work on "Nine Steps to Financial Freedom":
Suze Orman [12:11]: "Your whole book's premise is your first childhood money memory determines what happens to you in life. That one action of taking money from a piggy bank and not replacing it scarred them."
Suze emphasizes the importance of self-respect and setting boundaries, asserting that helping financially irresponsible parents often leads to self-disrespect and perpetuates negative patterns.
The discussion shifts to actionable advice for Cecilia:
Suze Orman [14:12]: "There is no mandate that a child is responsible for a parent who is absolutely disrespectful of money."
Suze advises Cecilia to prioritize her own financial health over guilt or societal expectations. She underscores the importance of not feeling responsible for her parents' financial decisions, especially when they have demonstrated irresponsibility.
KT adds her perspective, suggesting a compassionate yet firm approach:
Katie [22:48]: "I'm going to stop financing you or giving you money or bailing you out. Instead, I will provide support in ways that do not enable your financial irresponsibility."
To illustrate effective communication, Suze and KT engage in a role-play scenario where Cecilia confronts her parents about ceasing financial support. This segment provides listeners with a tangible example of setting boundaries:
Katie [23:38]: "From this day forward, I'm not going to give you or Daddy any more money. But I did come up with a couple of ideas to help you make ends meet."
Through this exercise, Suze and KT demonstrate the delicate balance between expressing love and enforcing financial boundaries.
Concluding the discussion, Suze reinforces the importance of self-empowerment and self-respect:
Suze Orman [25:25]: "You have to put yourself before money. You have to be clear that you have set boundaries."
She encourages listeners to transition from feelings of guilt to a place of strength and self-worth, reminding them that their financial independence is a gift they've earned.
KT echoes this sentiment, highlighting the liberating aspect of establishing financial boundaries:
Katie [27:47]: "It's actually liberating, isn't it?"
The episode wraps up with Suze and KT extending warm Thanksgiving wishes to their audience, reiterating the episode's key message:
Suze Orman [28:02]: "People first. Then money, then things."
They encourage listeners to prioritize their well-being and financial health, ensuring they remain "unstoppable" in their personal and financial lives.
Financial Boundaries with Parents:
Self-Respect Over Guilt:
Effective Communication:
Empowerment Through Self-Worth:
Universal Relevance:
In "How To Be Stronger Than You Have Ever Been," Suze Orman adeptly addresses the complex intersection of family dynamics and financial responsibility. Through Cecilia's story, listeners gain insightful strategies to navigate financial obligations without compromising their self-worth. The episode serves as a powerful reminder that financial independence and personal strength are achievable through setting boundaries, fostering self-respect, and prioritizing one's well-being.