[Tavern Tales] Mealwalkers and the Crystal Shards - Ep 00 - Shuffle Off this Portal Coil

Summary

---

Tales from the Stinky Dragon – [Tavern Tales] Mealwalkers and the Crystal Shards

Episode 00: Shuffle Off this Portal Coil
Release: December 3, 2025
Dungeon Master: Micah Risinger
Players: Barbara Dunkelman, Chris Damaris, Ben Ernst, Blaine Gibson

---

Episode Overview

This “Tavern Tales” session introduces the new campaign arc, Mealwalkers and the Crystal Shards, as the Stinky Dragon crew embarks on a comedic, old-school RPG adventure using the classless system Knave instead of standard D&D. The episode is a character creation and session zero, filled with banter, dice rolls, collaborative worldbuilding, and establishing party dynamics—all with the trademark zany, lighthearted tone. The group builds their adventurers, forms the party "The Creepy Gerd Crew," and steps through a mysterious portal, setting up the campaign's premise.

---

Character Creation Chaos (01:27–41:30)

DM Sets the Table (01:27–03:00)

• Micah Risinger (DM) welcomes players to a shorter, “smellier” story at the Stinky Dragon, running an adventure in Knave, an old-school RPG system.
• Immediately gets meta with an “arrow” question: What quality should every adventurer have?
  • Memorable Moment:
    Micah: "For this episode, I whip up my... [shield and I catch it]. Nice. Very, very good. You gain two cool points." (02:12)

What Every Adventurer Needs (03:00–07:16)

• Barbara (Fox): Ingenuity — "Just trying to figure out solutions to problems in a creative way... makes it a little bit more fun as well." (03:04)

• Chris (Odell): Ability to ignore bodily needs — "Very few times do we stop down... in real life, we do it all the time. In the game, we very rarely stop to go take potty breaks." (04:22)

• Ben (Dennis): Improvisation — "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face... improvisation is funny, so you need that on a little adventure." (05:28)

• Blaine (Mew): "A spine" — "Not like the skeletal spine, but, like, strength in character... clarity of vision." (06:08)

Rolling Up Knave Characters (07:16–41:30)

Ability Scores (07:16–10:12)

• Players assign (or randomly roll) ability points among Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma.
• Notable Quote:
  Micah: "I love the randomness of making a character sometimes." (09:33)

Careers - Dual Wielding Jobs (10:12–12:16)

• Players roll for two careers from a d100 list, combining medieval professions for quirky backstories.
  • Chris: Pit Fighter/Baker
  • Ben: Watchman/Hermit
  • Barbara: Hunter/Sculptor
  • Blaine: Cutpurse/Investigator
• Joke about modern economic realities:
  Ben: "You need two jobs to get by." (11:32)

Starting Gear & Inventory Tetris (13:00–40:00)

• Players roll for coins, choose weapons/armor, juggle inventory slots (max 10 + Constitution).
• Advice and banter about strategizing vs. rolling randomly.
  • Barbara: "I don't think I need my sculptor calipers, personally." (19:43)
• Lively debate on item slots, free gear, and whether torches count as one or two slots. Jokes about Chris’s item hoarding from past campaigns.

Names, Personalities, and Party Formation (41:00–41:30)

• Everyone rolls on random tables: names, personalities, quirks.
  • Barbara: Fox Claude Fell ("Chummy")
  • Blaine: Mew Dreghope ("Nerd with wavy hair")
  • Ben: Dennis Weatherland ("Tall admiral type, 'the money is most important thing'")
  • Chris: Odell Longunder ("13-year-old pit fighter apron-wearing baker")
• The team christens themselves “The Creepy Gerd Crew,” after a random table result and much gastrointestinal wordplay.
  • Party Sigil: Coiled, slimy rope (intestines) spelling out "CGC" (37:40)

---

Rule Rundown and Game System Differences (38:00–41:30)

• Knave relies heavily on inventory management (losing item slots equals wounds).
• “Side-based” initiative—charisma-based group rolls decide if party or enemies act first.
• Each Intelligence point grants a spellbook and random spell.
  • Spells rolled: "Command," "Babble," and "Sniff" (detects scents up to 120 ft).

---

The Tale Begins: Gauntlandia and the Portal (43:07–82:13)

Setting the Scene (43:07–44:30)

• The party, “Creepy Gerd Crew,” is introduced as renowned heroes in the realm of Gauntlandia.
• Setting is colored by player suggestions:
  • Realm blanketed in "weird snow"
  • Legendary "War of the Small Bears"
  • Evil tomatoes and an animated sorcerer, Malastar.

A Heroic Finale... or Prologue? (45:09–55:43)

• In what feels like the end of a campaign, the crew defeats the evil Malastar (floating, skull-hatted, tomato-minion-summoning villain).
• Players, using their souped-up "level 99" stats, describe dramatic, over-the-top attacks:
  • Fox (Barbara) crits, stabs/blinds Malastar. (46:00–47:19)
  • Mew (Blaine) throws caltrops, causing slapstick pain. (48:47–50:14)
  • Dennis (Ben) blasts animated tomatoes with a trumpet. (51:13–52:28)
  • Odell (Chris) shoves acid tomato juice into Malastar’s wounds:
    Odell: "I just take [a slice of tomato] and shove it deep into Malastar’s wounds." (54:04)
• Malastar curses the heroes ("the game is far from over") and vanishes in a wisp of shadow.

Feast, Flashbacks & The Hook (60:01–68:41)

• Heroes return home to a celebratory feast—turkey legs, tomato pies (“Are you sure there’s no blood in this?”), and orange juice to fight scurvy.
• Squire, their hobo courtier with a “big warty nose,” rides in wounded on a giant hamster, delivering the plot hooks:
  • The party’s mentor, the Wizard, is missing—abducted in a realm of “Mealwalkers” wielding magic crystal shards.
  • Squire, cursed and dying (“it’s too late for him!”), tasks the party with: rescuing the Wizard, collecting crystal shards, finding Squire’s cure, and exacting vengeance.
  • Barbara: "Just shove [a tampon] up your nose. That should stop the bleeding." (68:33)

Mounts, Maps, Preparations (69:44–71:25)

• Each player chooses an appropriately silly fantasy mount:
  • Odell: Whiskers the hamster (the runt, who loves to help cook)
  • Mew: Pantera the panther
  • Fox: Waddles the giant boar
  • Dennis: Little Archibald the fat, tiny-leggèd pony (“biggest, smallest, shortest steed”)

---

Into the Portal: The Mealwalker Mystery (72:00–82:35)

The Portal in the Rainbow-Web Cavern (72:00–81:07)

• The crew follow a blood-and-flour-marked path into a dark, spiderweb-strewn cave.
  • Fox slices rainbow spiderwebs with her trident.
  • Mew uses “Sniff” spell, detecting “no enemies, smell of metal, and two vertical lines up ahead” (trap? portal?).
  • Odell tosses flour to reveal two sets of footprints (Squire and Wizard).
  • Dennis: “You find a spider, you burn it all down and start over. That’s how I lost my ship.” (73:41)
  • Everyone jokes Squire is probably already dead.
• Following the footprints, Dennis steps through glowing lines and vanishes—others follow.

Cliffhanger (81:07–82:35)

• All four are “enveloped in red flashing lights, cacophony of sounds,” and slam into something hard—ending the episode with a classic portal-jump cliffhanger:
  • DM: “And we’ll have to find out in the next episode.” (82:36)

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Barbara (Fox): "Improvisation is funny, so you need that on a little adventure." (05:28)
• Ben: "Everybody has a plan till they get punched in the face." (05:28)
• Chris: "Very few times do we stop down to go take potty breaks." (04:22)
• Group Banter: The “Creepy Gerd Crew” sigil is “coiled, slimy rope” aka intestines.
• Odell: “Only by winning the hearts of the crowd may I win my freedom and be reunited with my family once again.” (65:16)
• Squire’s Last Words: "Find the wizard, cure me if you can, collect crystal shards, slay the Mealwalkers, and avenge me... now I’ll rest here." (67:41–68:33)
• Dennis: "You find a spider, you burn it all down and start over. That's how I lost my ship." (73:41)
• Blaine: (on Squire’s nose) "I know they usually say your foot size matches your nose size." (79:28)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:27–07:16 – Introduction, player qualities, party banter
• 07:16–41:30 – Character/Career/Item/Spell Creation
• 37:40–41:30 – Party naming, sigil creation
• 43:07–44:30 – Gauntlandia & campaign set-up
• 45:09–55:43 – “Final battle” with Malastar (power fantasy prologue)
• 60:01–68:41 – Return to base, quest hook, Squire’s plea
• 69:44–71:25 – Mount selection, setting out
• 72:00–81:07 – The cave, “sniff” spell, discovering portal
• 81:07–82:35 – Portal jump, cliffhanger

---

Episode Tone & Style

• Language/Tone: Whimsical, collaborative, quick-witted, full of in-jokes and self-aware jabs at RPG tropes (inventory management, strange items, random names).
• Energy: High and welcoming, with the hosts making the game accessible to listeners new to both D&D and Knave.
• Comedic Highlights: Party joking about twins, foot/nose size, the infinite rolling of the same dice, Squire's “big schnoz,” and the party's gross-out sigil.

---

For New Listeners

This episode is a warm, hilarious window into the world of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. It’s a perfect entry point: you’ll meet the party, see the creative process behind character-building, and enter a story that promises both absurd comedy and surprising adventure. Episode 00 sets the mood, lays the groundwork, and leaves listeners ready to dive through the portal with the Creepy Gerd Crew!

Don't miss Episode 01 for the continuation of the adventure as the Crew meets the mysterious Mealwalkers!

---

Transcript

[A]

Time. It's always vanishing. The commute, the errands, the work functions, the meetings.

[B]

Selling your car. Unless you sell your car with Carvana. Get a real offer in minutes. Get it picked up from your door. Get paid on the spot so fast you'll wonder what the catch is. There isn't one. We just respect you and your time. Oh, you're still here. Move along now. Enjoy your day. Sell your car today.

[A]

Carvana.

[B]

Pick up. Fees may apply.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

[B]

Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state.

[A]

Coverage options are selected by the customer.

[B]

Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state.

[A]

Coca Cola for the big, for the small, the short and the tall.

[C]

Peacemakers.

[B]

Risk takers for the optimists.

[C]

Pessimists for long distance.

[A]

Love for introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers for old friends.

[C]

And new Coca Cola for everyone.

[A]

Pick up some Coca Cola at a store near you. Felicitations, my foul smelling friends, and welcome to Tavern Tales. This is when we snag a few barstools in the stinky Dragon Tavern and share a shorter, smellier story by role playing and rolling dice with friends. I'm your dungeon master, Micah Risinger, and today we're going to be playing through an adventure I've written. And we'll be using an old school style RPG called Nave.

[C]

What you call me?

[A]

But before we get too far into the tale, I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow.

[C]

I wasn't prepared for an arrow.

[B]

I'm always prepared for an arrow.

[A]

For this episode, I whip up my.

[B]

Shield and I catch it.

[A]

Nice. Very, very good. You gain two cool points. Anyway, episode zero. This question is, in your opinion. You the player. What quality should every adventurer have?

[C]

Oh, do we need a roll for this?

[A]

Introduce yourselves.

[C]

Do we need a roll for this?

[A]

Oh, we could roll.

[B]

I got a 20. I'm not kidding.

[C]

Come on, Barbara.

[B]

A chapa japa.

[D]

10.

[E]

I also got a 10.

[C]

I got a 8, man.

[D]

Second roll is 17.

[E]

My second rol.

[A]

All right, so I got Barb, Chris, Ben, Blaine.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Go for it, Barb.

[B]

So the. The one quality every adventurer should have.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ingenuity.

[C]

Ooh.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because it's good to be ingenuity. Ingenuous ingenuity. I think just trying to figure out solutions to problems in a creative way and maybe in a way that thinks outside the box is, I think, very helpful, especially when, you know, the typical solutions might not be very obvious. And I think also it makes it a little bit more fun as well.

[A]

Indeed. You know what? Take two more cool points. Oh, shit.

[C]

Two more cool points.

[E]

Guys, Barbara's beating us real quick.

[A]

What is your name that you just spoke?

[B]

Oh, me?

[D]

Yeah, you.

[B]

I know. I was like, I forgot to introduce myself. Hello, everyone. I'm Barbara Dunkelman playing tbd.

[A]

Cool. All right, next we got Chris.

[D]

Hi. Hi. I'm Chris Damaris with zero cool points.

[A]

I was just going to say.

[D]

And also playing, I think, also playing tbd. So me and Barbara might need to rework my character. And a quality that every adventurer should have is the ability to go long periods of time without going to the bathroom, eating, or sleeping.

[A]

Ooh.

[C]

We never covered that in Stinky Dragon.

[D]

Because we played a lot of D and D and games, and very few times do we stop down. Well, every. In the adventure. In real life, we do it all the time. We're like, potty breaks. Old nursing home patients who go to the bathroom all the time. But in the game, we very rarely stop to go take potty breaks.

[C]

It's true.

[A]

Just write down, ignore bodily needs.

[C]

An adventure needs a catheter or a bedpan.

[A]

Cool. Thanks, Chris. On to Ben.

[E]

Hello, everybody. My name is Ben Ernst. I am often one of the Dungeon Masters behind the Dungeon Master, who just likes to sit and record and make little fun jokes to try to get Gus to laugh. But this week, this episode, I'm gonna be playing an adventurer named TBD version 3. And really quickly, let me just get this out of the way. Oh, my God. I can't believe Micah shot me with an arrow. You guys do this every other week.

[A]

You get used to it.

[B]

I was like, where's Ben going? He just rolled away.

[E]

Okay, sorry, I'm back. Yeah. A quality that every adventurer needs, I feel like, is the ability to improvise. Look, everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. And I feel like if you're an adventurer, you gotta be ready for a monster, a goblin, to jump out of nowhere and punch you in the face. It happens so often. You see it. Plus, improvisation is funny, so need that on a little adventure.

[B]

Win, win.

[A]

So true, bestie.

[E]

Exactly.

[A]

Even saying the word improvisation is fun.

[B]

Improvisation.

[A]

Cool. Thanks, man.

[E]

A little bit of improvisation and ingenuity.

[A]

Yes, exactly. And ignoring bodily needs. Blaine.

[C]

Hello, I'm Blaine Gibson. I play characters on the show, and today I'll be playing TVA to be announced.

[A]

Oh, wow. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[C]

And I think that every adventurer needs a spine. Not like the skeletal spine, but, like strength in character. Yeah. Like. Like clarity of vision, what they need to do in some. Some oomph behind it to get it done, you know? Yeah.

[A]

I wonder if anybody's ever called him Gustavo.

[B]

He does have a lot of gusto.

[C]

Yeah, Gustavo.

[A]

Gustavo.

[B]

I'm going to just.

[A]

He's not here.

[B]

I'm going to start calling him Gusto Sorola and see if he notices.

[D]

Cool.

[A]

Well, thank you all for taking those arrows with, you know, gumption and gusto.

[D]

Without going to the bathroom.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. All those things. Very ingenuous, very improvisational, and sitting us.

[B]

Straight with our spines.

[E]

Speak for yourself. A lot happened when I got hit by that arrow. Okay. I might have wet myself a little bit, but I can handle that after the recording.

[A]

We'll divvy out the cool points later. All right, let's move on to. We're going to make some characters today in this game called Knave. So everybody's got character sheets in front of them. If you want to follow along, you need to have a book audience member. So if you want to go buy a native book, you can do that. There might be a quick start sheet out there. I'm not sure, but you can find character sheets for free online. So first things first, on your character sheet, we're going to start with ability scores similar to D and D. There's six ability scores, just like D and D, strength decks, Con, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. They're divvied out a little bit differently with, like, what they're meant to do in the game. Not too differently. But the first thing is we're gonna record those scores. So you're gonna take. All the scores are just modifiers. There's no, like, a score and then a modifier based on that score. So it's just modifiers. So you're gonna add three points to any of one. Like any of those six scores. So you can roll dice. They say you can roll dice, like roll three D6s. And then depending on what the D6 is, that's the ability that you're adding your one point to.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So, for instance, they give an example, like, 3, 5, 5 is what they rolled. That means that con will get 1, Wiz will get 1, and all the other scores have 0 or. Sorry, Wiz. Has 2, and all the other scores have zero.

[C]

Interesting. I'm going to get a pencil because I just realized that I'm probably going to be marking things out and remarking things in.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't recommend pen question about that. So you said choose three. So like, let's say I want to give strength, dexterity, and constitution those scores. So I roll three D sixes. Let's say I get a three, five, and five. I give a three, five, and five to whatever those three I want.

[A]

No, no, no. Those are just. The dice are just to determine which score you're going to add one point to. So you have three points total that you're going to divvy out. It's like assigning a dice dice number to one of those scores and everything else is one of those abilities. Okay, so it's just 1, 1, 1, 1 on three scores and then 0, 0, 0 on the other three.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Blaine reporting back in. I got constitution, intelligence, and wisdom.

[D]

So you're saying we roll to see where we put them?

[A]

You can. Or you can just choose. I like.

[C]

You know, Micah, full disclosure. I'm gonna do everything by chance. We're gonna see what happens. We're gonna see what. Where the dice take me.

[A]

I personally enjoy that. Some people don't. Some people like to strategize and, like, kind of work out and make it make sense. And I love the randomness of making a character sometimes. Has everybody got scores?

[E]

Yeah, I got a six, a three, and a four. So I put a one in. Charisma, constitution, and intelligence.

[B]

Hey, Ben, I got the exact same three as you did.

[E]

Yeah, TBD one, and twins.

[A]

No wonder you guys are the same name. TBD twins.

[C]

Tbd, TBD Twins.

[D]

I got a three, a one, and a one. So that would be strength and then two strengths and one constitution.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Uh oh. Chris is playing an idiot. Uh oh.

[A]

All right, next thing is careers. So you can roll a D100 twice or pick two careers from the list that I've given you all, which is just in the book. There's a list of 100 careers. Each of those careers are very, like, all over the place of kind of medieval times. And they each come with, I think, all of them, three or four items in their listing. You can add those items to your inventory.

[B]

Okay. You guys all rolling for this?

[C]

Yeah, I'm going to roll. I was hoping to have. I don't know how to do a D100 with.

[D]

You could roll two tens. I'm a pit fighter.

[A]

You Take the one that's with the double dice and the one with the single dice. Both look like D1 hundreds.

[C]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

Or one looks like a D100, like, has 60, 50, 40 on it, and then the other one has just 0, 1, 2, 3, 4. You roll both of those and you add the tens. Is the tens and the one is the one. So, like, I'm learning so much today.

[C]

All right, so, Chris, you're a pit fighter. I am a. I have to. Look what that says. Got mine. I am a cut purse.

[A]

You roll it twice.

[D]

Cut. Wait. Oh, what do we do the second roll for?

[A]

You're adding two careers together. Two careers?

[D]

Oh, we get two careers.

[E]

Oh, Chris, much like today's economy, you need two jobs to get by.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

So true.

[D]

Your side gig. I'm a pit fighter slash Uber driver.

[E]

I am a often known career watchman and hermit.

[C]

Oh, that's nice.

[E]

I just imagine I live at the top of, like, a lighthouse on the coast, watching ships come in telling people to leave me alone.

[B]

Well, let me give you this one. I am a hunter. Sculptor.

[A]

Nice. Whoa. Is that like a taxidermist? I like that. I was going to say.

[B]

Yeah, that could be. That could be.

[C]

I'm a cutpurst and investigator.

[A]

Oh, that's actually kind of cool.

[D]

I'm a pit fighter baker.

[A]

A fighter baker.

[D]

Pit fighter.

[A]

Oh, pit fighter baker.

[D]

Baker.

[E]

Okay, wait, hold on. Please come in. Let me make you some bread. And then come down to my basement where we have people beating each other to death.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Awesome. So, yeah, make sure you guys, you'll write down those items in each of those careers and add them to your inventory. You have 10 slots, plus your con. So if you. I think the only person that had con was Chris.

[B]

Maybe I also had con.

[A]

Yeah, you also had con. Okay. You guys had con as well?

[E]

I did as well.

[A]

Con intelligence, then.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

You can add as many additional items.

[B]

And you put it in the items here and like the careers up here.

[A]

Yeah, let me see my paper. I have too. Cool.

[B]

I'm learning.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you just write down each of the three. So it'd be six total items that we should start.

[A]

I think all of them have like three or maybe four on some of them. I can't remember. So that's that your careers are also, like, besides common knowledge in the game are things that you're knowledgeable about. So if there's anything that becomes relevant in the game that you're like, they're fighting in a club or something like that. Or there's boats nearby. I don't know. Then you can like. I'll give you that knowledge for free. Like you don't have to roll for that. Oh, cool. Generally there's no like real knowledge checks in this game. It's like you know it or you don't or you find out. You figure out how to find it out. That's generally how it goes. So next thing is you are going to add more things to your inventory. So you can carry 3D 6 times 10. So you roll 3D 6, add a zero to it. That's how many coins you get in your inventory. You get two rations, you get a 50 foot rope, two torches.

[B]

This is all going in our items.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if we have two torches, would that count as two items or like a single item slot with the two.

[A]

Great question, Barbara. It is a good question. They say in the game that if it can fit in your hand, if multiple small items can fit in your hand, then it counts as one slot. I'm going to say it counts. It needs two slots because you have to have hold a torch with like in either hand.

[B]

I could hold.

[A]

You can do the juggling thing.

[B]

One and one hand. One and another pinky.

[A]

I'm willing to be flexible if you. If you max out on your items in this first section. But. But generally that's kind of how it works is if you. And you can drop a torch, you don't have to have two torches. And then the next thing is any armor pieces or weapons. And I've given you a list of those as well, I believe. And a quiver of 20 arrows. So that's everything that you can add to your inventory. You don't have to have all those things, but those are just all free things you can add into your inventory.

[D]

Under armor pieces and weapons.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

I have a.

[B]

So is our coins are in our items as well.

[C]

Up to 500.

[A]

Yes. Because 500 coins takes up a slot.

[C]

Yeah, I got 130 coins.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

I got one. 110.

[C]

Okay. I was gonna say I don't think I'm a very good purse. Purse cutter.

[E]

Okay. Hold on, Barbara. I also got 110 coins.

[A]

Oh no.

[E]

Are we creating this? Are we gonna be twins?

[A]

What's happening here?

[B]

I think we probably should. We should play twins. That'd be funny.

[D]

So I have a 120 gold. So I can pick whatever I want with that.

[A]

Nope, you don't. You just add that to your inventory. Everything else is free. All these items are free.

[D]

Oh my goodness. So I get a one handed and.

[A]

That'S how much coin you have to like to use to spend on just in the game.

[C]

I'm still trying to find the career.

[E]

Yeah, it looks like shield helmet. Gambeson.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What'd you call me?

[E]

Mail shirt. Breastplate. Arm plate. Leg plate.

[C]

Those are free. I guess they just take up one spot.

[E]

Yeah. Okay. Up to your total. I would assume up to your total.

[A]

I feel like it slots like I.

[C]

Don'T have gambers and I think I need at least a male shirt. I'm gonna take some male shirts.

[D]

So like 500C is. 500 is.

[A]

Don't worry about the price. Don't worry about the price.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[A]

That's just for if you're buying it in world. We're just talking about Chris. I need stuff.

[C]

You should buy a. You should buy a war horse. I think that'd be really smart. I think. Okay, so wisdom is the range. Attacks is denoted by wisdom. Right. So I have one point of wisdom I think I might invest in. I'm not going to get a bow and arrow. Cause that sounds like somebody we know. But I think I'm gonna get a sling.

[B]

Okay. You can also roll for it if you want.

[C]

That's fair.

[B]

Cause I did and I got a trident.

[A]

Nice. Whoa.

[B]

What am I? I'm a hunter sculptor with a trident.

[A]

You like survived Atlantis and you want to roam the dry lands.

[E]

Now you stab fish and you make those little like billy bass wall mounts that sing to you.

[B]

Oh, oh.

[D]

So you rolled. Okay, now I see I finally found the. The equipment. So you rolled the D100 for your weapon. Yeah, I shall do the same.

[A]

And if it's. If it requires like in your mind, if it requires two hands like a trident, you probably could do one hand. But typically if you're gonna stab something, it's gonna be two handed.

[D]

What's a kukri?

[A]

I actually don't know. Spell it.

[D]

K U K R I. It's like a national weapon of Nepal.

[A]

Oh, it's like a knife.

[C]

Kind of like that thing that Chip had for a minute.

[A]

It's like a curved knife.

[D]

Like a curved blade.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It makes sense for a pit fighter, slash baker.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And do a chain whip.

[B]

How do we determine our AC again?

[A]

So armor class is however many armor pieces you have. So if you have a helmet shield, you know, a gambeson, whatever it is, each of those gives you an extra armor point.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

So you add 11s your starting and you add armor points to that and that becomes your ac.

[C]

Are you guys doing multiple weapons?

[B]

Only if it's one handed.

[A]

You can have multiple weapons as long as you have the item slots. It's up to you.

[B]

Okay. And then do the armor pieces also go in our item slot?

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Whoa, whoa. This guy.

[D]

The, the, like our whip and, and wine jug. Those are stored treasure and items.

[A]

No, those are item slots.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Everything so far is item slots.

[E]

I have a question for you, Micah, whenever you have a moment.

[A]

Yeah, go for it.

[E]

So under my list of career items, I have a lot of what I would call worthless items. Do I have to include those on my sheet or am I. I can swap those in and out.

[A]

What do you like? What are you calling useless?

[E]

Well, for instance, as a. I think it was hermit, I have the ability to carry fungi with me. And while, while I am a fun guy, I do not want to carry fungi. So I would like to get rid of the fungi on my character sheet and swap it out with something way more useful.

[A]

Like what?

[E]

I don't know. Maybe like right now I'm. I think I'm completely naked. I don't have any armor whatsoever, but I have full item slots, so.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[E]

Maybe like, you know, a breastplate or mail.

[D]

Mail.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You can do that. You can switch that out.

[E]

All right. I think that'll complete my list of things.

[A]

But when it comes time to you need fungus and you don't have it, you don't complain to me.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I'm gonna regret that.

[E]

I'd be eating crow.

[C]

I'm gonna remind you to.

[A]

I'm gonna put that in the game. Just because you said that. Screw Ben with mushrooms.

[B]

So we could pick more than one weapon to have.

[A]

Yeah, as long as you have the slot.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[C]

Okay, I think I'm about there. I have a couple of weapons, couple items. I got a little bit of armor. I still have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 spots open. So I guess I could probably finish that up with more armor if I wanted.

[A]

And you might have, keep in mind, like you might collect stuff on your way. So if you have open item slots, otherwise you'll have to drop stuff.

[C]

I'm gonna give myself three open item. Mm, two open item slots. Just because like some of this stuff I'm. I'm gonna drop a torch probably.

[B]

I don't think I need my sculptor calipers personally.

[D]

Is it man catcher two handed? You think that's probably a two handed weapon?

[A]

Sorry, what?

[D]

So if I a man catcher, if I rolled.

[A]

Oh, is that like a Net.

[D]

It's kind of like a. It's weird looking thing.

[A]

Oh, like a, like a, kind of like a net. Like a staff with a hoop or something like that.

[D]

Yeah. But like that's a two handed weapon. So if I, if I don't, I could just do two one handed weapons, right?

[A]

Oh, I see it. Wow, that thing's crazy.

[D]

Yeah, it's kind of.

[A]

It's like a long stick comes out like a hoop that's broken and then it has spikes on it on the inside to like put around someone's neck.

[C]

Oh, it's like a dog catcher's thing but worse.

[A]

If you. Yeah. If you want to trade one out, you can and just do two one handed. But keep in mind that like it changes the damage dice, if that matters with the.

[C]

I guess. How do we, how do we know if it's two or one handed?

[A]

That's right above. Because I have a. Oh. Like if. Just use your imagination. If it's. If it's like a big axe or something like that, it's gonna be two handed. If it's a sword, that's like a short sword, it's gonna be one handed, you know, long sword, two handed. Just typical like D and D kind of rules.

[B]

Dagger.

[C]

I have a chain whip. And then I have a cestus, which is like basically like brass knuckles, like heavy duty gloves that you can punch people with.

[E]

Blaine, that's what I rolled.

[A]

Cestus.

[E]

Yeah, I got a cestus and I got a spear.

[A]

Yeah, I think like as long as you. We're gladiators, can use one hand with it, then I'm fine with that. You just roll the one handed damage die.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And then you say we need to.

[A]

Add clothes as well. You don't need to worry about clothes. You can just tell me what you're wearing.

[C]

Okay, let me see. I think at this point I've got my weapons, I've got some items. Are there any other optional items that we could try to acquire in the game? Is that just like while we play.

[A]

If you want to trade out like Ben did, you can. But. Okay.

[C]

And then I think other than that it's just building up my armor then.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I didn't realize this, but your max Item slots is 10 plus your constitution.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

So if you have zero constitution, you have 10 slots.

[A]

10 slots or 11. If you have constitution, like one point in constitution or two points would be 12.

[C]

Great. I have 11 spots so I already need to start dropping things.

[B]

I didn't realize I was like I got to 11 items and I was like, man, we have 20 slots. Like, there's so much room. And then I looked up there and I went, oh, I'm done.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna drop a torch. To drop one torch. Yeah. Do I need the 50 foot rope?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

My opinion? Rope's always handy.

[D]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay, could you also go through those things that we already have that you mentioned? The two torches, the rope and what else?

[A]

Yes. Give me two seconds. Sorry.

[D]

Wait.

[A]

Character creation's there. Okay, you can have your coins, two rations, rope, two torches. Any armor pieces or weapons you want a quiver of 20 arrows?

[C]

Definitely don't need a quiver.

[B]

Nope.

[E]

So.

[A]

So what's up, Chris?

[D]

So we get all those things, but we can only hold. So I have a constitution of one. So 11 items.

[C]

Correct.

[B]

So you gotta pick and choose what you wanna have.

[A]

One thing we haven't done yet is hit points. You have D6. Roll that. That's your maximum hit points.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

We are squishy.

[A]

Starting at level one. Yep.

[B]

Okay. I rolled a five.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Also, my guy has a knife built into his thing that's considered a weapon, right? Or is that like a utilitary knife, A utility knife?

[A]

Rather a knife built into his, like, his career?

[C]

Yeah, as a.

[A]

As a cut purse. Oh, okay. That'd be an item. You can typically use it as, like, as it's meant to be used, but I mean, if you can use it as a weapon, go for it. Okay, great.

[E]

Between Blaine's cut purse knife and Chris's kukri, really setting up for a whole. That's not a knife. This is a knife scenario.

[F]

This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon is brought to you by aura frames. Okay, let me know if this sounds familiar. It's the holiday season. You tell yourself you're gonna get a thoughtful gift for someone, really put a lot of thought into it, then panic at the last minute and buy a gift card. Tell you what, this year, skip the panic. Just give aura frame. It can be really difficult to find personalized gifts for someone you're close to, because, let's face it, you've probably given them gifts for a long time. What better gift can you give to someone than an aura frame where you can load it with images of yourself and give yourself to them? Maybe I'm just a little egotistical, but I think that sounds awesome. Here's some of the highlights.

[C]

Right?

[F]

You get unlimited free photos and video. You just download the aura app, connect it to WI Fi, and you can send photos and videos from anywhere. I, I, I can send photos and I do regularly send photos to family members and videos all the time and it just pops up on their frame. Whether they like it or not, they're gonna see me. Plus you can preload photos before it ships and that way right out of the box it's got photos again of me. And you can keep adding from anywhere, anytime. You don't have to be in close proximity to the frame anywhere. As long as you have Internet and obviously it has Internet, then boom, you're set. You can't wrap togetherness. But guess what? You can frame it for a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames named number one by Wirecutter by using promo code Dragon at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code DRAGON. The deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast. So order yours now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[A]

Hello everybody. John Rising here to talk to you about business. I'm a business owner.

[C]

I've started my own business in the last year. Well, I started my own, I did.

[A]

It with six other people. But one thing we couldn't predict when we started this whole shebang was how many different hats we all were going to have to wear to make this thing work. But I've got some good news.

[C]

I got one hat you can pass off to someone else and that someone else is your new business partner, Shopify.

[A]

Shopify is fantastic. It's the commerce platform behind millions of.

[C]

Businesses all around the world and 10%.

[A]

Of all e commerce in the U.S. i mean, they've even got people like Mattel using their product. It's pretty fantastic.

[C]

So I want to let you know.

[A]

You can turn your big business idea into some real. You want to use Shopify and get them on your side. You can sign up for your $1.

[C]

Per month trial and start selling today.

[A]

At shopify.com dragon that's right.

[C]

If you go to shopify.com dragon you.

[A]

Can get a little discount. You can start your business, make some.

[C]

Money and you do that all once again by going to shopify.com dragon.

[A]

Thanks y'.

[E]

All.

[C]

You may have heard of hellofresh. They're the number one meal kit in America, making home cooking easier with chef crafted recipes and fresh ingredients delivered straight to your door. But this fall, they're serving up even more to Love. This isn't the hellofresh you remember. It's bigger, healthier and tastier. Their menu is doubled in size and they have over 100 options each week. They're healthier because they have 15 plus high protein recipes each week. And they have green options with two or more veggies per dish. And they're tastier because they got steak and seafood recipes delivered every week for no extra cost. Now with three times the seafood options, I personally like the honey mandarin chicken and pepper stir fry. It's got a little soy sauce, a drizzle of honey. Mama mia, that's some delicious chicken and rice. You are probably wondering, how will I get some hellofresh? Well, the best way to cook just got better. All you got to do is go to hellofresh.com stinky dragon10fm now to get 10 free meals plus a free breakfast for life. One per box with active subscription free meals applied as discounts on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan. That's hellofresh.com Stinky Dragon 10 FM to get 10 free meals plus free breakfast for life. All right, I got all my items sorted. I got 11 items. Man, that was hard. And then I'm rolling for heat points. You said health points, so D6. D6.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Heat points.

[A]

5.

[C]

All right.

[E]

I can't get over how cool some of these cestus designs look. When you Google cestus, Ben, do you.

[C]

Have it reminds me of Shredder.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Ben, do you have hit points yet?

[E]

I do. I have a solid four noise. Barbara, did you also roll a four? We're both raising our hands.

[B]

No, five. I am the stronger twin. The firstborn twin.

[A]

How you doing, Chris? Am I confused? Yeah, always.

[D]

I don't think my character should have a wine jug because.

[A]

Chris is still.

[C]

At items like, do I need a wine jug or an hourglass.

[E]

We know from previous campaigns Chris likes to hoard. And if this game mechanic has like a specifically limits your item slots inventory, I have a feeling every five minutes we're going to have to stop and be like, all right. So Chris needs to sort through his pack and figure out what he wants to get rid of.

[B]

If this were a video game, we would just see items dropping from his character on the ground and then being.

[A]

Picked back up a trail and then being dropped again on a trail behind him.

[D]

Arrows and quivers. Is that those are two separate items.

[A]

Quiver of arrows is one item.

[C]

Do you have a bow?

[B]

Quiver of arrows.

[D]

But the bow is separate.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Bow is separate. Yeah.

[D]

I Need a row.

[C]

Well, do you have a bow though, Chris?

[D]

I guess I have a whip. I don't need a maybe I don't need. I have a whip.

[C]

Okay, I don't think any of us have ranged weapons. I will say that. But that's what we rolled. So, you know, guess.

[A]

You're throwing stuff.

[D]

And I do have a lard block and a rolling pin. Oh, I'm okay, I'm.

[A]

I'm.

[D]

I'm losing one of my. I'm just going to stick with the kukri and a rolling pin as my weapon.

[A]

Okay, cool.

[B]

Love it.

[C]

And did you roll your hit points yet, Chris?

[B]

Roll a D6.

[C]

Believe in you four. Not bad.

[A]

All right, Chris, do you have room.

[E]

To put my fungi in your inventory?

[A]

Can we.

[E]

Can we remove something?

[D]

I'll make room.

[A]

Just like a mule putting inside of him.

[D]

It's weird. The whip won't save in my inventories.

[B]

Oh, you're doing it on.

[A]

So are you saying the whip is saying hey, now watch me whip you.

[C]

Stop it, all of you.

[A]

All right, so everybody's got hit points. You got your armor class calculated, got all your item slots. Should be like 10 to 11 ish. Got your careers marked last thing is if you've got all that is name and a description of your character if you want. I've provided some random tables for names on that notion page D100 stuff. Otherwise you can come up with it on the spot here.

[C]

Oh man, this is gonna be fun.

[E]

Do we not even choose like a class?

[A]

Careers is basically your class. It's a classless game. True.

[E]

Interesting. This changes everything.

[A]

But you can flavor your character to be, you know, whatever. Your careers don't have to be current. That could be something you've done in the past or they could be right now, or they could be like whatever you want to flavor it to. It's a very open ended game.

[C]

I'm doing that.

[B]

My name.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Fox. What? Sorry? Fox. Fox. Fox.

[C]

Whoa. Are you doing a surname as well?

[B]

These look like all. Oh, they are surnames. Never mind.

[E]

It's like Cher Blaine. Just the one.

[A]

There's a combination you can do combined surname, like, like first syllable, last syllable sort of thing.

[C]

Oh, I love that you're the guy from your. David Duchovny's character from X Files. Fox Mulder.

[E]

Oh God.

[B]

Fox Claude Fell.

[D]

Cool.

[C]

Are you guys rolling personalities as well?

[A]

Can if you want to. Otherwise you can make it up. You can be kind of another fun way to do it in game. If you're. If you're up for this is like, just to kind of figure it out. As long as you go and, like, fill in the gaps of what your character is or have their memories and, like, that kind of stuff.

[E]

Barbara, I am not even joking. I also rolled fox for the first first name that I rolled, so I'm going to reroll that.

[B]

What is happening? How are our dice connected? I feel like it's fun to roll.

[D]

Did someone get a. Does someone have a torch?

[E]

I do.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think I only have one. No. I got rid of both of my torches.

[B]

My personality is chummy.

[C]

My name is Bartholomew Dreghope.

[B]

Bartholomew, huh?

[C]

I'm gonna go by Barth or Barth. What's like a. What's another other, like, other than Bart? I don't want to do Bart.

[B]

You could go by Mew Fart. Thalo Othello.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Or Mew.

[C]

Mew. My name's Mew Draghope. I'm a nerd with wavy hair.

[E]

My name is Dennis.

[C]

Whoa.

[E]

Dennis Weatherland.

[C]

Cool.

[B]

Incredible.

[E]

God, I love.

[C]

Now back to Dennis Weatherland in the studio, reporting on tonight's weather forecast.

[E]

It's gonna rain.

[A]

So, Blaine, what did you go with?

[C]

I'm gonna go with Mew Dregh. Hope.

[A]

All right.

[C]

He's a nerd.

[A]

And Chris.

[B]

Here he comes.

[D]

Sorry. It's coming. It's coming.

[A]

I love when I ask Chris questions. Just silence for, like, you know, a good 30 seconds.

[B]

I'm typing it down too, if you need it.

[D]

I am Odell.

[C]

Odell.

[D]

Odel.

[A]

Odel.

[D]

And then where do you pick your last names from?

[B]

Keep scrolling down.

[C]

Oh, Adele.

[D]

Odell.

[A]

Yeah. Adele. I love it. That's great. How is that spelled?

[D]

O D E L E L. Okay.

[B]

Weatherland. That's so good.

[D]

Odell. I'm gonna write this down now.

[B]

Is that Dennis or Denis Odell Long.

[E]

Depends where in the country you're at. It's pronounced differently.

[D]

Long under.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Long under Odal.

[C]

Long under Odal Longunder.

[E]

Rolling in the deep.

[C]

Oh, hey, Mr. Long Under.

[B]

Did you do. You did two?

[C]

Oh, I might have part ones because I was like.

[B]

I don't see under as a second part, sir.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

He's a character with three first names.

[D]

That's okay. I'm sticking with long under.

[C]

Long under it is.

[D]

And how do you calculate your armor?

[C]

How much armor did you have, Chris?

[D]

I did four.

[C]

Oh, my.

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

My guy's a. He's a pit fighter.

[C]

Yeah. Long under. He's got to cover up the goods.

[B]

All his armor is just on his under bit, It's a quad piece.

[C]

It's just coo, coo, coo, coo.

[A]

Really quickly. Everybody give me. Starting with Barbara. Everybody give me your AC.

[B]

My AC is 14.

[A]

14.

[E]

Mine is 13.

[A]

13, 12. 12.

[D]

15.

[A]

15 hit points start with Barb again.

[B]

5. Okay.

[E]

4.

[A]

Okay. 5, okay.

[D]

4.

[A]

All right, cool.

[E]

I was waiting for Chris to be like, two pit fighter with no health.

[C]

I know.

[D]

I'll do it.

[A]

I ran a version of this adventure and this game with some friends, like, probably months ago now. And one person rolled on their D6 of hit points. A1.

[B]

I was thinking that could easily happen because it's a D6. So brutal. Very high chance.

[A]

All right, next thing we've got, your characters start thinking or kind of developing as we play what they might look like. And we can kind of go over that as we. As we're role playing. But the big thing I want to talk about is you as a party. You four as an adventuring party. First thing is, y' all need a name. Could be very simple. Could be one word, two words. Something like that. Could be a color and a noun. You know, like whatever kind of speaks to what you think your name is. So if you have an idea for a word or a part of the name, just, like, call it out.

[B]

I'm going to. Could I roll in this personalities thing for a descriptive word?

[C]

Some inspiration? Yeah, you can totally roll.

[B]

All right, I got Creep. So we could do creepy something.

[A]

The Creeps.

[B]

Creepy Crew.

[A]

Creepy Crew.

[C]

The Creeps.

[A]

Creepers.

[C]

Longfellow in the Creeps Long Under.

[A]

In the Creeps.

[B]

Creepy under.

[D]

I rolled a 44. So that is a idealistic. Giles. Wait, no, no. Let me do. Sure name. That's a Gerd. We're Gerd.

[E]

Creepy Gerd.

[B]

Creepy Gerd.

[E]

Creepy Gerd sounds like the guy you run into in the tavern that gives you the, like, quest to go into his basement to fight rats.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, Creep Gerd at it again. Okay, how about we are a team called Creepy Gerd. Or maybe that's our boss. It's like Creepy Gerd's crew. Yeah, you know, like, our boss is. He's. He is our leader, Creepy Gerd. And he sent us out on a mission, and we're keep Creepy Gerd's crew.

[B]

I also just want to specify Gerd. I've heard of this before. It's like an acid reflux.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Situation. He's named after basically a gastrointestinal reflux disease.

[C]

So I do like Gerd as a name, though. Like Gerd.

[E]

It's why he doesn't go out adventuring. He's stuck at home. He's too injured.

[C]

Pack it up.

[E]

He wants to hire people.

[B]

He's got his curd. Yeah.

[A]

Or it's like you gird something, you. You encircle it like your loins.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Like a girl.

[E]

We're the Creepy Gerd Crew. Or CGC for short.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. Clue.

[A]

All right, Creepy Gerd Crew, what is your party sigil? The symbol that you have emblazoned on your flags and on your shields and stuff?

[E]

It's someone bending over holding their tummy.

[B]

I was gonna say just a picture of intestines.

[A]

Intestines.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Balled up intestines. Like, where all. It's like.

[A]

Just like an antacid. Like, tablet.

[C]

Tums. Yeah, a bottle of Tums Intestines.

[E]

All right, the intestines spell out cgc.

[C]

Yeah. Ooh, that's gross. That's creepy.

[A]

We're getting there.

[B]

I'm looking up what a. Just a simple picture of intestines look like.

[C]

It's so gross.

[A]

Just rope. It's all it is. Just rope.

[C]

Human rope.

[A]

Slimy human rope.

[B]

Maybe that's just what it is. It just looks like a. Like a. Like a kind of coiled, bunched up rope.

[A]

Coiled, slimy rope.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Creepy Gerd Crew. How do people feel about that?

[E]

Every time someone stops to ask us what our sigil means, it takes forever us to explain that it's a bunch of intestines balled up?

[A]

No, they just recognize you from the get.

[B]

Yeah, we're notorious Creepy Gerd Crew.

[A]

Don't mess with them. All right, we've got your name, the Creepy Gerd. Groot, we got your party sigil, the coiled slimy rope. Yeah. Let's go over some rules real quick, and then we'll dive in. So, Knave plays a lot like old school RPGs. Such as D and D. Like, we Talked about their six ability scores. You roll checks and attacks with a D20. Add relevant modifiers. I'll help you with that as we get there. Successful attacks, you roll damage dice. Again, we'll. We'll go over that if we need to. And then subtract whoever you attacked from their armor from their hit points. Excuse me. So subtracted from the target's hit points, the two biggest immediate differences are. There are different differences down the line. But are the item slots. So like item slot wounds? So whenever you drop to zero hit points, you take a wound. A wound? You start with your highest number Item. So like 1 through 10 or 11 start with 11 or 10 and that wound drops that item slot. You can no longer use that item slot.

[B]

It's not gone. You just can't use it. So if it's like an armor piece, for example, our AC would go down.

[A]

It is gone.

[B]

Oh, it's gone gone.

[A]

Yep. Oh, I should gone gone.

[D]

So you're telling me I might have to drop my lard block?

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah, maybe not, my fun guy. And then it kind of works its way up from there. So every time you get hit and take a wound, you lose another item slot, another item slot until you get to zero item slots, and then you're dead.

[B]

Goodness.

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

So you have those like five or, you know, five or four hit points and then it goes to item slots. Makes sense.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay. You can recover item slots with a rest. We'll see if that happens in this game. But just know that that's what you have going forward. And the second difference is initiative. We've kind of done this in Maze Rats. It's very similar. It's side based initiative. A lot of games do this instead of like rolling, everybody rolls initiative. Just do two sides. So like the leader of your group, the leader of the enemy's group, both roll a charisma check, not a dex check. And that determines which side acts first on a side's turn. Everybody can act in any order they want to. It doesn't have to be the same order every time. You can work and do things together. I highly recommend that kind of like talk through what you guys want to do as a group and then the other side goes and then vice versa.

[B]

Some, I say use some ingenuity, maybe.

[C]

Spine.

[A]

Everything else we'll kind of address it as it becomes relevant. One thing we didn't do this is relevant is some of y' all had intelligence points, right?

[C]

Yes, I have one.

[B]

Yes, I think. Yeah.

[A]

So just you two? Anybody else?

[E]

No.

[B]

Ben as well.

[A]

Ben does too. Okay, so what you can do is. I think I've put this in notion as well, is on the side there should be spellbook. Should be the second to last thing. For every point of intelligence, you can have a spell book. A spell book has one spell in it.

[B]

And so we pick one of these at random.

[A]

Pick at random. Pick or choose it random.

[E]

Pick it random.

[A]

Roll it random. Like either one.

[D]

Do you.

[A]

Are we gonna.

[C]

You wanna do that now, Barb? Are you gonna do that now?

[A]

Yeah, if you want a custom one, we can do that. But some of these are really like actually kind of fun spells. They're really simple.

[B]

I got command.

[E]

Ooh, that's the one I was just looking at. Get out of my head, Barbara.

[A]

So command, it says a creature obeys a single. A single. Or I guess it's amount of intelligence you have. Word. So, like, if you have one point, it's gonna be one word command that doesn't harm it. So it obeys that single word command, or however many intelligence points you have.

[B]

Okay, and where does that go on our sheet?

[A]

Good question.

[B]

Cause there's notes I could put in there.

[A]

I'll just put it in notes.

[E]

I would like to choose.

[A]

Babble.

[E]

That sounds fun.

[A]

Babble, babble, babble. Go ahead and read it.

[E]

Babble. Ent creatures must loudly and clearly repeat everything you think they are. Otherwise mu.

[A]

So you have one point intelligence or two points intelligence. Okay, one point. So you have one creature that must loudly and clearly repeat everything you think. All right, and then.

[C]

Blaine, I got such an unfortunate one sniff. Creatures can smell all scents up to 120ft away for one turn.

[A]

Could be interesting. Could be. Actually, I could see how that could be useful, actually.

[C]

I think my guy's, like, a bit of an investigator. There's a lot of stuff that's like data collection, so.

[A]

Yeah, we'll work with it. Yeah. And, like, we can. These are very malleable spells. Like, if we had made up a custom one, it would have been, like, three words mashed together, and then, like, we just kind of make up what it does. All right, everybody's got their spells marked down. Got your hit points, armor class, all that jazz. Let's dive in. We begin our tale in the mystical and medieval realm of Gauntlandia. Gauntlandia. The sprawling lands of Gotlandia are blanketed with indescribable barb. What are they blanketed with again?

[B]

Like, a weird kind of snow.

[A]

Okay. A weird snow. That's right. Okay. It's a domain that has been seen its fair share of battles, beasts, and. Who could forget the great Ben. What was that thing that happened? What was the great.

[E]

The War of the Small Bears.

[A]

The Great War of the Small Bears.

[E]

Yeah, it was terrible. Really bad. Small little, like, creatures running around.

[A]

I need to brush up on that. Remind me later. But today we find our party. The. What was the name of your party again?

[C]

The Creepy Gurd Crew.

[A]

Yep, the Creepy Gerd crew. They're in the deepest, darkest dungeon of the tallest terrifying tower called Blaine. What was it called again?

[C]

Party City.

[A]

It's a very terrifying name. Our four veteran heroes are known neck deep in A fierce fight. They're surrounded by torturing devices, slain beasts, and unforgettable. Chris, what was the last thing that was surrounding you?

[D]

Large animated tomatoes.

[A]

Animated tomatoes? Yeah. Very bad for those people that struggle with Gerd. That's true. Their formidable foe, an evil sorcerer named Malastar. I, a pasty man currently floating above an obsidian dais wearing a black velvet cloak and a horned skull hat.

[B]

Malastar.

[A]

Malastar. That's a cool name. I'm gonna give you guys something really cool for a little bit, since you all are expert adventurers.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

For the time being, you can add a zero to your hit points. In other words, times ten.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

So powerful.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. On all your checks for the. Until I tell you otherwise, you have advantage in this game. Advantage is not rolling again, Advantage is plus five.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So disadvantage with the opposite minus five.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

So everything is plus five and plus your relevant modifiers if they come into play.

[E]

This is like the prequel in a video game before you stub your toe and lose all your cool items.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

And is that on, like, every. Every dice roll, basically, or.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. All right, so you guys are in battle with Malastar. There's tomatoes flying everywhere. He's floating above a dais. Animated tomatoes. They have faces, and they look really disgusting. They keep, like, biting at you guys, but it's getting towards the tail end of this battle. You've been really successful thus far, slaying the minions, getting through the torturing devices, and Malastar is really on his last leg. So let's say we're in initiative already. It's yalls turn. This is, like, your last round of combat. Think of, like, super power moves that you want to do, and then let's do them. Who wants to go first? You guys want to roll?

[B]

I'll go first.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

Barb will go first.

[B]

All right, so I want to take my trident, and I want to do a really cool spin move with it and stab it up into his neck.

[C]

Ooh.

[A]

Okay. What does Fox look like they're wearing?

[B]

Fox is definitely heavily armored, but in a nice, fashionable way. So he has a breastplate, arm plate, and then also a Gambeson. I don't know how to pronounce that correctly.

[A]

Yeah, you got it.

[B]

Gambeson. He's definitely on the bigger side. Probably about 6 foot 2, 6 foot 3, very muscular, kind of big gray hair, and, like, a beard as well.

[A]

Awesome. Very cool. Fawkes steps up to Malastar floating in the air, pulls out their trident, and goes for A stab. Go ahead and roll that D20 and add your strength to it. And plus five.

[B]

I swear I rolled a 20.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So that'd be 25.

[A]

So in this game if you roll 21 plus you get to do the damage and you get a free maneuver. So maneuvers are like disarming, pushing, stunning, blinding, breaking, something tripping and so on and so on. Anything that's like you're changing the circumstance kind of a little bit. So what do you think? What do you think Fox would want to do in this situation?

[B]

It's going to be a little graphic. Okay. I think maybe once he stabs, he kind of tilts the trident so it also blinds him and goes through his eyes.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay, so you stab, go up and then through the eyes.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing. Lots of tomato juices are flying everywhere.

[B]

That's the old flocks cod failed move.

[A]

Awesome. Oh, roll damage too. Sorry, we didn't say that. I think for. That's a two handed weapon probably. I think it's a D8 if I remember correctly. But I don't remember off the top of my head, guys.

[E]

I don't, I don't know if we need to do anything else. I think Fox has got this.

[B]

I think it might be taken care of. That's a seven for damage.

[A]

Awesome. I'll write that down. Yeah. Who wants to go next?

[C]

I'll go. It is I, Mew Dreghope. So Mew is wearing like very basic medieval attire. I think it's called a tabard. So it's just like kind of like a tunic type thing. It's like very like close to, you know, he, he has it very. What is it? Was it when you go and get a jacket fitted, was that called tailored? Tailored? Yeah, it's like very tailored to be form fitting. I kind of imagine him being like a climber and he is going to whip out his caltrops to throw at Malastar's feet to kind of like put him off balance. And if you'll allow me like kind of be whipping at him. I don't know if that's two attacks. If it is, then I'll just do the caltrops because I think that those are cool.

[A]

Typically it is. If you want to describe how you would do that at the same time with one swift movement, I might allow it. Okay.

[C]

I think While.

[B]

What does he sound like when he says that?

[C]

Oh, oh, I'll get to that. So I think while. Barb, what was your character name again?

[B]

Fox.

[A]

Fox.

[C]

Fox. While Fawkes is Stabbing and stuff like that. Mew is circling. He's just trying to stay as evasive as possible. So he's whipping up at him and he's throwing caltrops. He's doing anything to just add to the disarray so that Malastar can't keep track of what's happening, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And he's just saying, get back, you fiend.

[D]

Get back.

[B]

He's crazy.

[A]

Awesome. Mew, go ahead and roll. Let's say a wisdom.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Wisdom. Check and add +5.

[E]

Mew's catchphrase.

[B]

Eat my shorts.

[C]

All right, and that's a. That's a D20, correct.

[A]

Yeah. D20 plus your wisdom. Plus plus five.

[C]

That was a 20. I'm gonna try to hold it, hold it up for you right there.

[A]

I believe you. I believe you.

[C]

And then that was.

[A]

You're not winning any rewards in this game.

[C]

So it was, I guess, plus five. But also my intelligence. Sorry, My user was wisdom. Right.

[A]

If it's over 21, it hits.

[C]

Okay, great.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, then it is.

[A]

And then you also get a maneuver. So I mean, this kind of works in your favor. What you were kind of describing with like the caltrops and all that kind of stuff. So what do you think happens because of the caltrops?

[C]

I think he'd step. Malastar would step on him and go, oh, God. You know, like his feet. He's all known certain of his movement. So he's kind of trapped in one spot, making him more vulnerable to the rest of the party.

[A]

I like that this started with like a gory face injury to like slapstick comedy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Cool.

[A]

Awesome. Very, very cool. I love it. Oh, yeah. Go ahead and roll Damage. I think that's a D6 probably.

[C]

Okay, that is five.

[E]

Nice.

[A]

Nice Norse. All right, next.

[D]

Okay, no, you go, Ben.

[E]

You see a tall 6 foot 2 man standing toward the back a little bit, a nice white suit almost with an admiral's jacket. And he's eyeing what's going on with what was malice. Malastar. Malastar.

[A]

Malastar.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And he definitely sees that his two compatriots have that handled. But all these flying tomatoes, something has to be done about it. So he reaches into his admiral's jacket and pulls out one of his very limited 11 item resource slots and pulls out his trumpet. And with a large blast wall of sound, wants to blare into this trumpet and try to confuse or push away these flying animated tomatoes that are surrounding the crew.

[A]

Awesome. Gosh. I would say that's more like a charisma thing. To me that's perfect because I actually.

[E]

Have a point in charisma.

[C]

All right, do your trumpet solo.

[E]

And that's a solid 25.

[D]

Woo.

[A]

Wow, y' all are killing it. Okay, so what's the maneuver that you add on top of that? Damage. Go ahead and roll damage to. Or actually what were you trying to do with the tomatoes?

[E]

I wanna like blast them back with like a wave of sound.

[A]

Okay, absolutely. Happens.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What maneuver do you think happens in the midst of that?

[E]

Give me the list of maneuvers again. Is this something I can come up with?

[A]

Sure, sure. Disarming, Pushing. Stunning. Blinding. Breaking gear. Tripping, Climbing. Restraining.

[E]

I think this is stunning. This is like gonna like, like blast these animated tomatoes. Eardrums.

[B]

It's stunning.

[A]

Yeah, stunning like you, you blow your trumpet and these flying animated tomatoes start like pulsing and getting larger and larger and larger. They start just like bursting like bubbles all around the room. And just like juices are flying and staining everything. And the. In the area, Malastar is already covered in blood and is covered in more red sauce. And last but not least, really quickly.

[E]

Can I give just a one liner?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

The sound just quells and he pulls the trumpet away and you hear him say, ARR. I never let my crew get the. Get someone get the jump on them or else my name not be Dennis Weatherland.

[B]

Dennis.

[C]

Dennis.

[B]

My name is not Larry.

[D]

All right, so Odell, long under, sees an opportunity. He's a 13 year old boy wearing giant armor, full decked out. I'm talking like armor plate, helmet, breastplate or arm plate? Helmet breastplate, leg plate. But he's got his apron on over it because he doesn't want his armor getting dirty. And in one hand he has his kukri, in the other hand a rolling pin. And he goes, oh, wow. This is a really good example, a really good opportunity. These tomatoes are really valuable in dishes also. They burn incredibly badly. So he's one of the remaining pieces of tomatoes that are. He kind of slices a piece off of it and just takes it and shoves it deep into the malastar's wounds.

[B]

Sizzler, how could you?

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Sizzler's more like this.

[B]

This is just more completely different.

[D]

Completely different. I hope that was okay, guys.

[B]

Legally distinct.

[A]

Give me a. You tell me, what would you argue for what ability do you think this plays into the most? Like, is it a Dex? Is it because you're just like shoving something.

[D]

I guess Dex or strength, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then go ahead and roll.

[D]

I rolled a two plus my plus five plus Two. For a total of nine.

[A]

Nine. Okay, so you come up to Malastar who's already on maybe death's door, very covered in blood and guts and tomato juices and you just thread that needle and shove more tomato sauce into this person's eyes and wounds and just all the acid is leaking up from these juices are all over him. Now you see that he is barely limply levitating above the ground now he's gradually touching the floor every now and then dripping with blood, like I said, tomato. And heaving heavily. His sable eyes narrow on the four of you and he says in a kind of a whispered tone, the game is far from over heroes. And with a turn of his blood tomato stained black cloak, he vanishes into a wisp of shadow.

[B]

I like to think that because he was blinded, he wasn't facing us when he said that.

[A]

Oh, there you are. The game is.

[D]

I have a question for you. Have you ever been charged some stupid fee from your bank where you're giving them your money and they get the interest on it and in return you have to pay them more money? Well that's the old way banking and Chime is changing all of that because it's built for you, not the 1%. So how is Chime different? Well, you don't have overdraft fees, no minimum balance fees, no monthly fees. And they have a service called MyPay which gives you access to up $500 of your paycheck anytime. And getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit plus chime turns everyday spending into real rewards and progress. It's a great way to help build your credit history stress free and you can earn up to 3.5% APY on savings. That is really high for a bank. Like eight times higher than a normal bank. My younger self would have benefited so much from Chime. God, I would save so much money on fees and also earned interest and I think it's just a really good way to manage your money. Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. It just takes a few minutes to sign up. Head to chime.comdragon that's chime.com dragon Chime.

[B]

Is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services a secured Chime Visa credit card and MyPay line of credit provided by the Bancor Bank NA or Stride Bank NA. MyPay eligibility requirements apply and credit limit ranges $20 to $500. Optional services and products may have fees or charges. See chime.com feesinfo advertised annual percentage yield with Chime+status only. Otherwise 1.0% APY applies. No min balance required. Chime card on time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms.

[E]

Cold Mornings Holiday Plans this is when I need my wardrobe to just work. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good and I'll actually reach for. That's why I go with Quince. Quince has what I need like a Mongolian cashmere sweaters, crewnecks, blazers and more. At Quince you can pick up one for $50 when you normally drop $200 or more on the same thing. I had a last minute friendsgiving which usually I'd be left scrambling trying to find something to wear, but instead just had to reach for my trusted combo, a Quint's cashmere pullover hoodie and beanie, which I know looks good. Keeps me warm and it'll hold up through the rest of these holiday events. And by partnering directly with trusted factories that maintain high standards for craftsmanship and ethical practices, Quince cuts out the middleman in markups. That's premium quality at half the cost of other high end brands, so you can give luxury pieces without the luxury price tag. They've got plenty of options and the prices actually make sense, which makes your holiday shopping a breeze. Don't tell my siblings, but my brother's getting a Quince bomber jacket and my sister has a brand new performance rug on the way. Oh, did I not mention Quince has gifting covered beyond clothing too. Home, bath, kitchen or travel. They have it all. Get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with quints. Don't wait. Go to quints.com dragon for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com dragon free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com dragon this episode is brought to you by Netflix.

[A]

Global superstar and comedy sensation Kevin Hart returns for his fifth Netflix Special.

[E]

Acting My Age I'm not the same.

[D]

Man that I used to be.

[A]

I go down the stairs sideways.

[C]

Go ahead.

[A]

You in a rush? Go around with a fresh perspective on life, family and getting older. Older you get, the less you can have.

[C]

Is this sesame seeds on that bun?

[E]

Get it out of here.

[A]

Kevin's bringing his signature high energy humor and physical comedy in a true return to his stand up origins.

[E]

Watch Kevin Hart Acting My Age now.

[A]

Streaming only on Netflix. You're very successful. All the minions have been dispatched. In this dungeon, the tomatoes are no more. The torturing devices have become lifeless. And you have treasure chests of hoards of treasure and items all around you that your courtiers could probably come and collect for you and bring back. So we'll fast forward a bit to a few hours later. You, the creepy Gerd crew, return home to Stronghold Keep and are welcomed with a revelrous feast held in your honor. You have attendants with silver platters offering exotic foods. Like, what were the foods that were offered, Barb?

[B]

Oh, well, you know, they got Fox's favorite food. Turkey leg.

[A]

Turkey leg. Of course. Yeah, yeah. It was a very successful hunt this year. Chris, did you have a question?

[D]

Well, I think Odell would have wanted to help cook the feast, if that's okay.

[A]

Sure, yeah. What else would he have cooked?

[D]

I just wanted to prepare some of this delicious tomato pies.

[A]

Tomato pies. Tomato pies.

[C]

Are there cheese on these pies?

[A]

Excellent.

[B]

Where'd you get those tomatoes from?

[D]

Oh, I scavenged them from the remains of the giant anamorphic tomatoes.

[B]

Okay, you said there's no blood mixed in with this because you know where the ketchup began and the blood ended? It was hard to tell.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, there absolutely could be some blood. But, you know, blood is actually a delicious flavor. Flavor? Oh.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

It gives you strength. Strength in battle.

[E]

Ah. I can confidently say that after this day, I will never eat bear or tomato ever again.

[A]

All right, I don't know what to do then. So you have these exotic and maybe questionable foods circling around on these silver platters, but also you have something to wash it down. Thirst quenching beverages like. Ben, what were some of the beverages there?

[E]

Ah, a seafaring man's favorite beverage. Orange juice. M. Orange juice.

[A]

The battle Da Scurvy. Excellent. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. In a bang. The feast is interrupted by someone bursting through the front doors of the Great Hall. You recognize this individual immediately because of their distinctive plane. What was distinctive about this person again?

[C]

Big warty nose.

[A]

Big warty nose. That's right. And it's your friend and hobo courtier. Squire. You all know Squire with the nose and the wartime.

[E]

Alright, guys, remember, don't mention his nose, whatever you do. He hates it when you mention his nose.

[A]

Mmm. Well, something's wrong. They're barely hanging on to their mounts. It's a humble creature. Chris, what was it again?

[D]

It was a giant hamster. Ah, humble.

[A]

A humble giant hamster. He's barely hanging on, struggling to breathe through bloodied lips and swollen cheeks. And his nose is obviously in the way. And Squire says the withered have been taken.

[D]

I'm sorry, what was that?

[A]

The withered What?

[C]

The withered.

[D]

The withered.

[C]

He said the withered.

[A]

And I'm gonna ask each of you, starting with Fox, how did the wizard find you, and what wisdom or magic did they share with you those many years ago?

[B]

The wizard find me while I was alone camping, just trying to make a buck for myself. You know, I've been trying to sculpt these little vases for everybody. You know, it was an interest I kind of got as a child. But he also noticed how I killed a lot in my free time. You know, it's like, which one's the hobby, is the question. Killing all the pottery, who knows? And he just said, you know, you could put those skills to use elsewhere. And then I just followed along with him. Very trusting of this guy for some reason.

[A]

Yeah, easily to trust.

[B]

Very.

[A]

Let's move on to Dennis. Dennis, how did the wizard find you, and what wisdom or magic did they share with you those many years ago?

[E]

Oh, he found me in my lighthouse much, much longer. After my captain days, I retired and moved to the top of a lighthouse for the isolation, to be left alone. And for 20 days and 20 nights, he would kept knocking on my door, Knocking, knocking, knocking incessantly. And I would open it and say, get out of here. This is my last lighthouse. And he'd say, no, I need you for a. For a grand adventure. Until finally I said, what possibly could you offer me to get me to leave my lighthouse? And he said, the one thing I love more than my isolation money. And so I said, of course, the restraining order.

[B]

Wait, he offered you money?

[E]

He did offer me money.

[B]

Well, I shouldn't have agreed so soon.

[E]

And so he never gave me advice, but I assume it's gotta be that money is the most important thing. And so I said, yes, of course. And here I am today, ready to get my money and go back to being alone.

[A]

Oh, all right. And Mew Mew, how did the wizard find you? What wisdom or magic did they share with you?

[C]

Well, I was out and about one of the great cities doing investigating, and I had a terrible, terrible sinus infection, as you can hear from my voice. And the wizard offered some help. He lifted some of my sinus conditions with the power of sniff.

[B]

Sinus conditions?

[C]

Yeah, with sniff, I can smell up to 120ft away. My nose is still plugged, hence the sound of my voice. But yeah, he gave me my cement of smell back. And a sense of purpose with that too.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

The power of olfactory. It warms the heart. Lastly, but not least, Odell.

[D]

Yeah, well, whenever my village was conquered and my father and mother and little sister were also drafted into the gladiatorial. Wait, what do you call it? Forced to become gladiatorial combatants. And we were separated. He told me that only by winning the hearts of the crowd may I win my freedom and be reunited with my family once again. So I just, you know, at the young age of 4, 5, I began just slaughtering everyone I could. I became the greatest pit fighter in the world. And it was all thanks to the advice of him.

[E]

Ah, yes, the ufg I know of it.

[B]

Well.

[E]

The Ultimate Fighting Gladiator.

[C]

I thought you looked like Russell Crowe.

[A]

So you all recall these memories, the wisdom and magic that was shared with you. And Squire begins to explain that your quest master, the wizard, and their humble squire were out exploring the far reaches of Gotlandia when they unexpectedly stumbled upon a portal. It transported them to. To a strange realm, a cursed land plagued with vicious, albeit sentient, creatures. They quickly came to call them Mealwalkers. Most of them were armed with crystal shards, imbued with powerful magics like conjuration, divination, telepathy, illusions, and more. The wizard was struck by a magical spell of invisible lightning and captured in battle. Squire tried to help, but was afflicted by a fatal curse of necromancy by the Mealwalkers. Leader name unknown. Squire barely managed to escape back through the portal to Gotlandia and their mount. The giant hamster, of course, carried them home. But the curse causes them to slowly but unstoppably bleed from the inside. You just see all this blood kind of oozing out of their body. And Squire seems to have precious time.

[C]

Tomato sauce.

[E]

I can't tell what's tomato sauce and what's his blood. Someone please help Squire in his big bulbous nose.

[B]

Squire. It's okay. Nobody knows. I mean, just Schnauzer. I mean, Big Honka.

[A]

Squire says, I beg of you all, please, to find the wizard. Go through the portal. I'll give you this map. And there's a few other things if you could do it along the way. Search for, then rescue the wizard, of course. Find a cure for me, if possible. You know, if you have time, it's okay if you don't. Collect crystal shards for the wizard. Of course, he'll want to study those once he's Free from wherever he's at. And then slay all the mulewalkers, you know, if you can, as needed. And then, oh, yeah, exact revenge in vengeance on whoever's responsible for all of this. So, you know, a few sub side missions, if you will. Side quests. Anyways, yeah, I might just rest here if you all just. Here's the map and you can go. And he starts dozing off and you see more blood is starting to ooze out of the way.

[B]

Well, I did collect some of these. They're called tampons. So just shove them up, shove them off your nose. That should stop the bleeding just a little bit.

[A]

Oh, thank you. That's very helpful. Thank you.

[D]

I think it's too late for him. I believe you're dying now. Do you want us to end your suffering? I can do it quickly.

[A]

No, I'm fine. Please don't.

[C]

One of our ambitions is to find the cure for this. We don't have to kill him.

[D]

It's too late. I've seen this before many times. He's a goner.

[C]

You have too much tomato sauce already. Please, we don't need any more.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Squire's giant hamster kind of comes forward and starts like, growling as a giant hamster might. Protective of Squire.

[D]

Oh, Ham Ham. Good to see you.

[A]

All right, you've been given your quest. You've been given a map. Any last things you want to do before you head out?

[D]

I'd like to get some of this food and pack up a little to go. Bag. This is really good stuff.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. Attendants kind of come to your aid and beck and call and start, like stuffing dried foods and different meals that they've collected and cooked for you all and add it to your mounts in the back.

[B]

Do we know what our mounts are?

[D]

Ham Ham.

[A]

You tell me. Well, Ham Ham is taken. But if you want a similar creature, you can totally do that.

[C]

Amtaro.

[D]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

Like Gerb. Gerb. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Well, could I have Ham Ham? What's, you know, a noble, noble breed of hamsters. And I would be honored to have one of Ham Ham's siblings.

[A]

Yeah. Stirster.

[D]

Stur. Stur. No, no.

[B]

Sturter.

[D]

Stur. Stern and I don't get along. But maybe. Maybe Whiskey Whiskers.

[C]

Whiskey Whiskers.

[A]

Whiskers. Yeah, Whiskers. The Runts. Right? Wasn't that the Runt?

[D]

Yeah. I always called them whisk. Whisk. Because I would whisk whenever I'd cook. I'd whisk and whisk Whisk. Would always. I'd whisk up some hamster milk for whisk.

[A]

Yeah. I think that's how you two met. What about the other three of you? What kind of mounts do you ride?

[C]

Kind of a panther.

[B]

That's cool.

[C]

Dang.

[A]

Is it a black panther? Is it a different color?

[C]

No, he's a black panther and I'm gonna say his name is. What's that band called? Pantera. Yeah, we're gonna go with Pantera. Yeah, that's, that's, that's what his name is.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

Well, awesome. Yeah, Pantera.

[B]

Mine is a boar and, like just a giant pig, you know, tusks and stuff. His name is Waddles.

[A]

Waddles. All right, cool. And lastly.

[E]

Well, I have the biggest. Wait, hold on.

[D]

Where was that accent?

[E]

Where'd that come from?

[B]

Well, I have the biggest.

[E]

I have my lot steed, little Archibald. He's the fattest, smallest legged, shorted, tiny pony you've ever seen.

[A]

I love it. Awesome. So you all get saddled up, all your gear, and you find this map that squire has crudely strewn for you on a parchment, and you set off into the night. You've been battling and then revelry for most of the day. And now it's time is of the essence. You head out, crossing forests and fields and mountains and hills until you reach the far reaches and ends of Gauntlandia that have barely been explored. The light of day is beginning to diminish and you start to see amongst the shadows a cavern. Who's going to go first?

[C]

He's got torches.

[B]

I'll go in.

[A]

All right. It's very dark at this moment. You can barely see the evening sky and the clouds and the trees are kind of blocking most of the light. The cavern itself is pitch black inside. What do you want to do?

[B]

Could I light one of my torches?

[A]

Absolutely. You strike your torch and immediately a soft glow illuminates this cavern. And it seems to be strewn with colorful spider webs all over the place. Each one a different shade of the rainbow. What do you want to do?

[B]

All right, lady, stay close.

[C]

You got it.

[E]

Dennis gets a little closer.

[B]

Could I reach up and, like, touch, gently touch one of the spider webs to see if it's hard or if it's breakable kind of thing?

[A]

Yeah. You holding your torch, have your other hand out and reach for one of these colorful spider webs. And as you begin to touch it, you notice that it is not soft. It doesn't break easily. In fact, it's a Little thicker than spider webs that you've normally seen. Maybe it's a bigger creature, but it feels kind of like it has a little bit of a grip to it. Like, it does kind of stick to your hands, but not in a gooey way.

[B]

Kind of like a. Like, almost like springy.

[A]

I don't know what you mean by springy. Like an actual spring.

[B]

Like a. Almost like a, like, fishing line or something like that, where it's like, oyant, if you like.

[A]

Yeah, it has a little bit more density to it. Yeah, something like that. And if you pulled on it, you'd.

[E]

Hear like a. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. So that. That's kind of what's in front of you, like, strewn about, kind of obscuring your path.

[E]

Well, you all know the first rule of the sea, right?

[D]

What is it, Dennis? I don't.

[E]

You find a spider, you burn it all down and start over. I think this cave, we just torch it and say goodbye.

[C]

So that's how you lost your ship.

[A]

I gone through a lot of ship.

[C]

Well, you win this time.

[B]

Don't you worry.

[E]

I swore vengeance on that spider. I'll find him one day.

[B]

Don't you worry, Dennis, because I got this. Tried it. It kind of acts like a giant fly swatter. All right, so if we see a spider, we swat it.

[A]

Barb, when you use that voice, you.

[C]

Had the biggest teeth used to go out like that. Yeah, it's so fun.

[B]

It's like the opposite of matib.

[A]

All right.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Big mouth, not little mouth.

[A]

So what are you gonna do with your trident?

[B]

I think I'll just probably hold it forward. Could it slice through these spiderwebs? Is it strong enough or is it still resisting against the trident?

[A]

You wanna try?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you wanna? Trident?

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So you.

[A]

Good one. Good one. Yeah. Are you, like, stabbing forth, trying to cut down? What is your motion?

[B]

I'm picturing it almost like when you fork spaghetti. So it's like you stab and then twist.

[A]

Twist it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it. Yeah. You start to get a few of them caught between the tongs of the trident and start spinning them, and it takes a little bit of force and eventually they start to snap, almost like vines, and a few of them kind of fall to the ground. And that's kind of what's happened thus far. What are the rest of you going to get?

[B]

I got strong forearms from sculpture. Sculpting.

[C]

Sculpt it. Well, now that there are any sort of obstructions in the way, I step forward and I summon the mighty Sniff to see what kind of things lay ahead of us in this cavern.

[A]

Now, I will say you can use that spell once per long rest, or.

[C]

I think we're only gonna get one more.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's per day.

[E]

Now, Blade didn't say anything about a spell. I think he's just one of the.

[A]

I'll also set this up and say you are at evening. So very well. Me it may be that you'll get to the next dawn. So I just want to give you all the facts. I'm not trying to sway you. I think using sniff is totally fine.

[D]

I live every day as if it's my last.

[C]

Okay, well, I'm gonna sniff anyways and just see if I can smell any sort of, like, itemy types or anything like that. What kind of scents do I summon with my mighty nose?

[A]

What does it look like when you cast this spell?

[C]

I do some magic with my fingers, kind of like Doctor Strange style, and then green is suddenly forming, and then I suck them in my nose, and then now my nose is glowing bright green, and I just go.

[B]

Is this like an homage to. To Squire.

[C]

This is for Squire. Shout out to Squire. Hashtag Squire. Hashtag Squire. Squire life.

[A]

Awesome. Yeah. You notice that this colorful emanation from your nose starts to even softly glow throughout the cavern a bit more, and you start to see things that weren't there before. You can kind of see that there's light traveling through the spiderwebs, even through the walls a bit. And at the end of the hall, past where the torch might be lighting it, you see these two deep carved lines, and they're vertical lines in the cave wall directly in front of you, maybe 30ft ahead.

[C]

Okay, do I smell anything beyond that? Because I do have 120 fetus.

[A]

Yes, you do. 120ft.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You smell.

[D]

It's like smell o vision. Yeah.

[A]

In the distance, some metallic sort of scents and sweat, like perspiration. And probably in the area, you smell other beasts. Like in the forest you traveled through to get to this cave, you don't smell any immediate animalian kind of creatures in this cavern.

[C]

Okay. All right, Gig. I've used my super snoz, and I don't sense any enemies ahead, but there are two vertical lines beyond these webs. And it. You know, I smell metal, so that could be traps. So everybody be careful.

[B]

Good nose on you.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

So Dennis was just gonna throw a rock down the hallway, but what Mew did was way better.

[C]

Well, I mean, you could activate traps because I did smell hints of metal.

[A]

Yeah. Who wants to move forward and do something?

[D]

I want to take some of the flour from my flour bag and fling it into the air and see if any hidden traps or strings or pulleys reveal themselves or if it reveals anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You put your prints or things that might have shown the way.

[A]

All right. Yeah. You toss out your flower. White powder kind of blooms into the air, and you see that it kind of stays there for a moment and starts to settle towards the ground, but some of it towards the back starts moving towards these deep carved lines. You don't see any footprints on the ground except. Well, you might see two sets of footprints.

[B]

Two sets.

[A]

You assume that it's probably the wizard and squire that came here early.

[C]

Size 11, size 8. That's definitely the wizard and Squire.

[B]

Which one's which?

[C]

Oh, the wizard is definitely size 11. Yeah. Squire's actually. He's more of a size four, but for some reason he wears eight. I think he's self conscious about his place.

[B]

I know they usually say your foot size matches your nose size.

[C]

Oh, he maybe size 14. He's squishing into an eight. Who's to say?

[A]

All right, well, that's what the flower reveals for you.

[B]

Beauty is pain.

[E]

You. I'll never be more surprised than when I hear your snows can detect someone's shoe size. It's the most impressive thing about G.

[C]

I am an investigator, after all. I know a lot of these things. I'm quite observant.

[D]

What if we were to carefully retrace the steps of our. Of the poor, poor slain squire, who's undoubtedly dead by now, and then that way to avoid any traps. And then it seems like there might be some openings up here if my flower is correct.

[C]

Your flower power.

[A]

We cut back to Squire in the great hall. Like Ham. Ham is licking it and licking him, and he's like, you know, pouring some wine into his mouth, like, I hope they don't forget about me. We cut back to y'.

[D]

All. That's why they call me the Flower Wizard.

[A]

Oh, I think that's been trademarked legally distinct. All right, so what do you want to do?

[E]

Adele, I know you really, really liked Squire. I promise we will avenge him. And I will raise my torch and slowly follow these footprints. Everyone follow me.

[A]

Okay. Dennis moves forward, retracing these steps forward. Closer and closer to these carved lines. As you get closer, you see that the carved lines start to glow with a soft red. More and more and more as you get closer. And as you reach one of the final steps. Dennis disappears.

[B]

Dennis?

[D]

Well, he's dead.

[E]

Remember me?

[B]

Hey, Mew. Do you happen to smell Dennis anywhere?

[C]

Are my sniff powers still activated?

[B]

He smelled like the sea.

[A]

Yeah, I think you smell some sea salt. Yeah, exactly.

[E]

I'd like to know what Dennis smells like, Blaine, if you could.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Hold on.

[A]

Old Spice.

[D]

Captain Morgan's?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know, back at when we were celebrating. Not at the Party City. That was the fight. The other place, our stronghold.

[D]

Sorry, I forgot it was called Party City.

[C]

The Stronghold, what was it? Stronghold Keep.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Squire did mention something about portals. So maybe he got teleported. There was some sort of portal technology from which these mealwalkers appeared from. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and step forward and see if I can follow through the portal after Dennis.

[A]

What about the rest of you?

[D]

Yes. Yeah, I'll follow through as well.

[A]

All right, the three of you follow suit with your friend Dennis and retrace these steps. And the glow kind of envelops you all with this. Red flashing lights and a cacophony of sounds bombard your senses from every angle. Their surroundings just swirl, their strength begins to diminish. And suddenly you slam into something hard with a crash. Ouch.

[E]

My back.

[A]

And we'll have to find out in the next episode. So thank you all for listening. Thanks to our patrons who make this show happen. Making tavern tales happen. It's really exciting to get to do that for y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

Thanks to all our players for learning a new game and creating characters and this show. And the. The adventure is not over. Go to episode one and we'll start this adventure with y'. All.

[B]

See you there. I'm excited.

[D]

I think the adventure's already started.

[B]

I can't wait to show off my teeth this whole time.

[A]

Hark good, says fair ladies and gentlemen folk. Should ye crave more of the odorous and wondrous stinky content and seek ye the companionship of like minded souls, then make your way to stinkydragonpod.com our generous patrons do bestow upon us much favor and in return we offer exclusive bonus shows Tales from behind the scenes entry to the Stinky Dragon Discord livestream streams for members only, grand stinky community gatherings and much, much more. This very tavern tale was produced from the mind and quill of Michael Reisinger, polished and sonically edited by the hand of Alina Lakorchuk. And its stirring thematic melody was composed by none other than Michael Reisinger himself. Join us yet again for the next adventurous episode of Milewakas and the crystal ship shots.

[B]

Running a small business is tough. Why add online threats to the mix? Norton Small Business can help you and your employees stay safer online. It's an all in one cybersecurity solution that protects protects your employees devices, monitors for information like your ein on the dark web and alerts you in real time to suspicious activity. And if you ever need help, our 247 business tech support has you covered. Let us be your IT department so you can focus on the business you love. Visit norton. Com Business today.