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Talking Toddlers
The #1 Sleep Mistake Parents Don’t Know They’re Making - And How To Easily Fix It Ep 116
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Hey, friends, quick heads up. This is an episode you might also want to watch on YouTube. I share real life examples that are so much easier to understand when you see them. You'll find the link in today's show notes. Come check it out. And the key here is that none of this is expensive. They all are very popular because we know what the science is telling us. That this modern lifestyle is disruptive to our health and well being because our sleep is is being disrupted every single day. The other piece that I want to just throw in here. Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that. But here our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction. To never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. This episode was prompted by a recent gathering I had with my local parenting group. And the room was full of moms all at different stages of motherhood. And when I walked in there, I noticed a few had a newborn in her arms and a toddler running around. One was expecting as she was chasing her two year old around. And one dear mom was splitting her time and her heart between her home and the nicu. And although her beautiful baby was getting stronger every day and we were saying prayers for all of them, I couldn't help but think and wonder about those lights and sounds in a nicu. We know they're not help healthy for anybody, but especially our preterm babies. So this current parenting group keep showing up every week and I was looking at no matter what stage they're in, every single mom shared one core struggle. Sleep. Their sleep, their children's sleep, their entire family sleep. They were tired, mentally tired, physically emotionally exhausted sleep, or rather lack thereof, was the thread running through all of their overwhelm. And here's what I know. After well over 30 years of working with families just like this, exhaustion is not a parenting badge of honor. And yet we Americans, and I only can speak about us Americans, but we seem to take it on. And it's not just about survival either. Which honestly I felt that was the whole goal of that first year, right? Just to survive and get to that first birthday. I now look at it after Studying sleep, the good and the bad and everything in between. For myself, my family and friends, as well as the families that I serve. I think it acts as a warning sign and that we actually have it in ourselves to create a positive rhythm in our daily life that helps everyone. You as the parents, your babies, your toddlers. To build a home that respects and honors rest and recovery. And I think it can start with three simple, very doable changes. And they are timing, lighting and mood. I believe that they work with, not against, our beautiful God's within our bodies. Right. That my hope today is that I can share what I've learned over the last three and a half decades that will help you reclaim the gift for rest for your children and yourself. Because I think it really boils down to one powerful tool that can help improve your child's sleep as well as your own. And it doesn't cost much of anything and it doesn't take any extra time. And it literally is in your hands every single night. So this isn't about buying fancy gear or reorganizing your whole entire life. This is about flipping a switch for real. That's what it boils down to. Tonight, you could help your child fall asleep faster, sleep more deeply, and wake up ready to embrace the day, simply by choosing the kind of light that they see in the hour to 90 minutes before bedtime. I think this is an easy win for all of us. It works for you. Who is the adult leading the charge. It works for our children, whether they're babies or preschoolers or beyond. And this is what I think is the beautiful part. You can decide every single night. You can decide from this day forth how you're going to structure this whole bedtime routine and sleep. So today I'm going to talk about why I think using warm, dimmable lights is really a gift to both your body and your mind. Your sanity, in other words. But how our modern technology is actually working against us. But we can take back control. We have the choices here, right? That your evenings can really honor how we're designed and that each and every one of us is born with this. So I want to start by thinking, let's think of the colors in a sunset or think the warm, vibrant colors of firelight right by a campfire. That's the vibe that our brain needs before we fall asleep. That's how God designed us. Let's dig into a little bit of the science today. So deep in our brain sits the suprachiasmatic nucleus. It's called the SCN. It's about 20,000 neurons inside our hypothalamus, which is truly our master clock, our central circadian clock. And inside this function deep inside our brain, its main purpose, its main job is to keep our body in a stable state called homeostasis. And it does this work by directly influencing our autonomic nervous system and managing our hormones. So this tiny structure acts as our body's whole body conductor, right? Keeping our biological rhythms in harmony with the outside world, which is the natural light and dark cycles. And so we're meant to work with the outside rhythm of daylight and nighttime based on what we see in our environments. When lights shift toward warmer, lower intensity tones, like the glow of a campfire or the pink orange hues of a sunset, it tells our suprachiasmatic nucleus that scn, hey, nighttime is coming. We need to shift, right? And then that will signal or trigger the pineal gland, which will release melatonin. And that is our body sleep hormone. So it receives these cues, the light cues, through our retina. And honestly, I cannot and I never have been. But now, each week, as I do these deeper dives into the background or the why. But I can't study human growth and healthy development without really showing this remarkable respect and awe of how brilliantly God designed us. And it's not really that complicated because when we think about it, every cell, every neuron, every pathway has a purpose that we carry each one of us, including our babies and our toddlers and our children, we carry so much capability and within our beautiful bodies and our minds, but that it's designed to regulate, to find that homeostasis, to restore when things get out of whack, and then to learn through trial and error to adapt, to heal, and to thrive. We're built that way on purpose. And the truth is, when I really started looking at these moms and talking with them, it isn't about this poetic idea. It's been tested. And I shared back in 2023, there was actually a randomized control trial that found preschoolers who were exposed to warm evening light actually fell asleep faster and had more efficient sleep than those that were running around in bright blue, rich light. That it's not really this woo woo bedtime science. It's really based on developmental nurturing. And again, think of the sunset, the colors and the warm fire glow when we sit around a campfire or sit in front of our fireplace, right? We've all heard how the damaged by the blue light is bad for our sleep. And I think we're at least Aware of that. And we think that we could just use the dark mode or shift into a night mode on our devices and we're okay. What we don't put together is that these devices are engineered to keep us hooked no matter what age we are. And that, yes, they do suppress melatonin, but they also stimulate our reward centers deep within our brain. That means that even when we're tired, even when we're drowsy, and we have that screen in front of us, we still feel compelled to take one more swipe, right? To look at one more comment, to order one more thing on Amazon, to watch one more video clip. Right? It really works against all of our natural biological design to get drowsy and to fall asleep in this peaceful, relaxed state. And now when we look at sleep science, there's an actual term for this, and it's called sleep procrastination. Right. In a study in 2024, some neuroscientists looked at how the screen interaction, even if you have the blue light blockers there before bed, it's. The interaction doesn't just delay the melatonin, it actively overrides our brain's natural cues for rest. And so you. We have to think about that for ourselves, right? These moms were exhausted and their children's sleep pattern were being impacted. Right? But when we look at screens, we have to look at it for everybody in the family that children get caught in these loops just like you and I do. And so I recognize that the genie of technology is out of the bottle. I get that. And there's no way we're ever going to put it back. And I'm not suggesting that we do, but I do think that the solution is, is not to reject it all, except to be very, very cognizant of those five years. Right? But I do believe that we have the capability to make those choices. And the solution is really to be more intentional with how we use technology, especially in the morning and in the evening routines. So that means knowing when to turn it off and how to create an environment that supports, not sabotages, because that's what a lot of modern devices can do. They sabotage what we really are striving to, To. To become. And, and we want to work with our biological rhythms, what, how God wired us and designed us to be. So today I'm just going to walk through five simple steps that you can embrace when you set up your. Your evening routine. So let's walk through those and then how this can relate to some, Some minor things that you can use when it comes to lighting. Right. So the first thing is to set a consistent time to start changing the feel in your home environment. And I look at it as, how do we start to dim the inside, to model what God designed right by the sunset colors or the fire, and to really that and be consistent at least one hour before bedtime. And I do realize that this time of year in the summer can be a little tricky. And so that just means that we have to be more cognizant and much more intentional in perhaps closing the curtains or finding some shades or closing the doorways that we have to honor this transition period no matter what season we're in. And then the second step that you can start to embrace is really to switch to those warm, dim lights. And that's the only thing that I think you. You have to look in your house and change. And so you want to aim for light bulbs in the color span of about 1800-3000 K. And K just stands for Kelvins, right? And. And I have a few examples here. This. This one is one of my favorites. Or there's even Himalayan light. Bu. If you're just listening to this, I'm on. On YouTube now, and so I'm just demonstrating. So you want to look at 1800-3000 range. That will start to get us in those sunset colors or the. The firelight. And you can look on. Most of the packages will have a bar that you can really measure how warm these color bulbs are. And I'll show you just so you know that these are these amber lights, and these are the. The bulbs that you can put in your. In your lamp. And then we have these amber night lights that you just plug in, but you're looking for about 1800-2300 Kelvin. And that's the temperature, right? That's the warmness of it. And again, thinking about the sunset colors and I, years and years and years ago, have really just made it a family choice to use the incandescent lighting, not the LED lights, because in my humble opinion, it's a. It's a healthy. Your choice. The incandescent lighting is also much more dimmable. And so that's what you want. You want to help your. Your baby, your toddler, your preschoolers to start to go throughout the house and start to dim things. And, and it. It's part of your routine. And the truth is, when I, when my husband and I built our house about, you know, 15, 20 years ago there in Vermont, I learned quickly that that pretty much any light switch could be switched out for a dimmer switch. But that, that's another level to how, how you're going to embrace this. So let me just walk through what the, the color temperatures are. So if you look on the back of a box of a package and it's about 4,000 to 5,000 K or kelvins then that's for task lighting. Like you're cutting up vegetables in your kitchen or you're writing an that and then between 2700 and about 3000 Kelvins or K, then that's that warm white light. And you can buy those, those light bulbs, incandescents if it's a three way switch. Right. You'll see that warm white and that's that cozy vibe and, and that's that step that you're, you're getting into transitioning. That's why it takes an hour or 90 minutes, but that's where you can turn that on. And between 2,700 and about 3,000ks and you can share a book at that time, but you're still bringing it in closer and warmer. And then you really start to dim more with these night lights. And this is about 1800 to about 2700. Anything below that is really the sunset colors. Right. And when I started this several years ago, there were very few and far between and it was hard for me to find these amber colors. They're called vintage style. But now if you go on Amazon, there's a plethora of choices and don't get overwhelmed. Just, just you know, keep it simple. Think of, of these night lights and again kids really love to turn them on. Think of how to model those warmer lights like the sunset. And the key takeaway is that these colors, these warmer end of the spectrum colors are known to be less disrupt our melatonin production that the hormone that regulates our sleep is triggered by these warm light colors. And if you really think about 100 years ago, 150 years ago, when not all of us had you know, artificial lights in, in our homes through electricity and whatnot, but we also know studying nowadays what modern technology, the good and the bad and everything in between. But those, those lower color temperatures really do correspond with those warmer reddish hues. While the upper, the 5,000 and above represent those cooler bluish hues. And that's more task oriented and that's more common to what the daylight looks for. So I want you to opt for lights that mimic the sun and look for even these Himalayan. This is, was relatively new too. A couple of years ago I started realizing oh, you know, I've always had a Himalayan big tabletop lamp that also had a dimmer. But these are nightlights, so it's, it's just a switch. And these are great. I put these in the kitchen, in the hallway, in the bathroom. And then. Excuse me. And then I even noticed again couple summers ago when I was moving around a bit bit, they have these Himalayan light bulbs which are really beautiful. And again it, if you look in the box, it's about 2300 Kelvin, so that's the warm hue. And depending on. I actually have a, a tabletop that has two of them in there. And it's just, I can't. It's not strong enough to read by, but it's a nice warm feeling. And so you're not walking through your house in total pitch dark. So that's the second step that you could start to embrace. Look online for all of these amber or Himalayan night lights. The third element or part to your new evening routine could really look at evaluating your screen time. And this is for your health and well being. So turn off the devices. And ideally we would want to leave them outside of our bedroom. Certainly don't have them on your bed or under your pillow or any of that. But the whole idea is to separate our, our addiction to them or, or how they wire and trigger our addiction and as well as, as the lighting aspect. And then the fourth element is really to keep your house quiet once you're transitioning your baby, your toddler, your preschool down. And, and I realized that ultimately a goal for you, mom and your partner or spouse is really to spend some quiet time together. And so if you're going to watch a TV show or a movie or whatnot, then keep it as quiet as possible. Keep it away from where your children sleep as best as possible. But because once we start that transition and we're getting into that mood, I want you to stay there. Right? Because your rest and recovery is just as important as your children. And you want to embrace that and then transition into whatever your evening bedtime routine is. So all of these healthy habits are good for our little ones and us grownups too. And then the fifth and final one is just like we want a bedtime sequence for our children, we want one for ourselves. Because the truth is, what science has shown us is that the warm light or the predictable steps really help not just the light triggers in our internal brain structures, but it's really that predictability that your child's body loves to know what's coming next. And that I think a lot of times kids get rambunctious, quote unquote, and active because they're not quite sure what the routine is. And so I think that that's part of the magic of the suprachiasmatic nucleus, right. That scn that it's really helps trigger when we start to anticipate the darkness, we anticipate the quiet, and then we're really moving into that restful state. And it is biologically driven, but it can only be produced by the physical environment that we create in our home. And if your child is having trouble with a pitch dark, and that usually kicks in between their second and third birthday because, you know, their language and imaginations are running wild. And that includes scary things, right? Oh, there's something under my bed or in the closet. But. But you can keep these lights, which are amberish and reddish, in the far end of the bedroom or on the floor. And that will really help them if they wake up, then they see it, they feel still warm and comforted. They're not in this pitch dark room, and they're more likely to really stay in bed. And this has been a game changer for a lot of moms that I've worked, worked closely with over the last couple of years, keeping them in bed, right? That, that's the whole thing. And then just one other side note, there are other lights. And I have this, this example here. And this is chargeable, right? And it's not battery operated, but you can. You just recharge it like a phone charger. But I think that this is very, very important when you have the middle of the night feedings and, and changing. Because one of the other things that I see over and over again is that moms or dads, whoever is doing the feeding and the changing in the middle of the night will turn on big bright lights. And that's very disruptive to you, the adult in charge, and your little ones. And so you have to plan ahead and really know how can I keep that vibe, that feeling, that mood, right? That it's calm, it's really sleep time. We don't want to be disruptive. And yet you have to diaper change or feed. And so the key here is to plan ahead and it can really make a huge difference for all of you. Like I said, these Himalayan light bulbs and Himalayan night lights have really made a difference, not only in safety, right? Walking around your house and not bumping your toe and all of that, but it's a nice, nice, really calming decor for when your children do finally settle and they're in bed and then you have that hour or two with your partner. And, and the key here is that none of this is expensive, right? And that they all are very popular because we know what the science is telling us, that this modern lifestyle is disruptive to our health and well being because our sleep is being disrupted every single day. And the other piece that I want to just throw in here, and my husband and I started this years and years ago, is that you can travel with these, right? A hotel room or if you're going to grandma's house or uncle Joe's or whatever that use these in the bathroom. Especially for little boys or big boys getting up and going to the bathroom. Don't switch on those hotel bathroom lights. That is, is really, really toxic and shocking to your, your system. And then you can either swap out bulbs. If you're going to stay at hotel for a while, which I've done numerous times, just remember to take them with you. But remember that your kids and you, your circadian rhythm doesn't go on vacation. We want to keep both the lighting and the mood and the cues as consistent as possible no matter who is in charge, right. Whether you or your spouse or you have a babysitter or you have grandma sleeping over. The more consistent we can live this evening routine than better sleep and better quality and rest and recovery. And then tomorrow, less meltdowns, less transitional issues and better learning. And that's what is all all about, right? That we embrace every aspect of our 24 hour circadian rhythm. And then one other thing that just popped in my head, sometimes if you, you're caught, you know, at a friend's house and you're spending the night or you're in a hotel room and you forgot your, your night lights, right? Then you can just throw a T shirt over the lamp. And I've done that numerous times, whether it's gray or brown or yellow or red. And I actually have a picture of a red T sh on a lamp that one of my clients sent me and she's like, this is the best environment that I've had. And, and so she kind of created a shade on her own just by putting a T shirt. Yes. You have to be careful not to catch anything on fire, but it can be easily masked or it can be used to easily mask the harshness of, of any light. So. So just to kind of put this all together, your sleep matters just as much as your babies and your toddlers and your school sleep or your kids sleep and There was a study in 2023, a longitudinal study, that found when mothers had disruptive sleep, I think they were really focusing on how they had a toddler and a newborn. But the moms showed higher emotional re and less ability to focus or soothe herself during the next day. So remember that our first goal in that first year is to create that attunement, right? But when we're out of sorts, when we're out of whack, our toddlers pick up on that too, and our infants and everybody. So that attunement can be positive or negative. So if we're working under this disruptive sleep pattern, then nobody really benefits. The key here, I think, is if we really can get those bookends, those solid anchors with sleeping and waking up and then nutrition, then this really allows all of your children, no matter what age, whether they're three, six, nine months, or whether they're 16, 18, 30 months. But it allows them to be curious, to learn how to share through experience, to, to build their ability to take turns and to handle changes without these quote, unquote, big emotions, right? Without breaking down every time things don't go their way. And then I think for us, the grownups, the adults, it allows us to lead with more patience, right? To find that clarity in our thought and our planning, our organizing, and then to be calm when things go awry, which they will. You know that and I know that, and I do want to share that in a future episode. I do a deeper dive in all of the sleep hygiene. I've been studying it for a long time, but, you know, really looking at how our modern living has disrupted this really critical piece that we spend one third of our life doing. But I wanted to highlight because of those moms in that, that playgroup that I run and thinking, wow, we could just make a few minor changes with dimmable lights and, and really change our whole outcome for the days ahead and the weeks ahead and their growth and well being. So, so tonight I want you to think about when you can dim those lights and set aside your devices. Remember that you're helping your baby sleep and rest and recover. That when we do that, we're working with our biology, not against it. And I think a lot of our modern lifestyle works against it. And we're honoring really the basic rhythms that God designed us to live with. And our internal biological clock is looking for these external triggers to help regulate. And it's been part of our humanness since the beginning of time. And it's just been the Last 150 years or whatnot, that artificial inside lighting has disrupted many of those, those basic biological rhythms that we have. And the truth is, the more I study all of this human development and health and growth and putting that up against what are some of the challenges that we're facing in this modern life, I actually see more and more God's fingerprint on every detail. How the light and the hormones and our rest work together in harmony and prepare us to really expand our learning and prepare us for the days ahead. And your child is not just resting. I think you know that, right? That they're building memory and skills and that they're wiring their emotional regulation, they're consolidating, you know, new skills that they're practicing, building their problem solving skills at the same time that they're purging things that they no longer need. And that's what that resting period is, that they're actually restoring every system in their body. And I look at that as a miraculous design on purpose and that we get to support it through choosing lifestyle habits that are intentional and consistent and loving every single night, every single day. And so I hope this makes sense to you. I would love to hear some feedback. Also, don't forget this particular episode might be better watched on YouTube. The real life lighting examples are so much easier to understand when you can can see them. Plus, you can then help me expand my reach on YouTube. You'll find the link in today's show notes if you're interested in going deeper. I also invite you to my tiny challenge is active now. And I'm really appreciating the moms that I I get a chance to work one on one with. It's a personalized experience for one week where we take one problem and we dive deep. And you'll find the link down below and you can check that out. And as always, thanks for sharing your precious time with me. I am so honored each and every week. And remember that you are your baby's best environment. God bless you. And I'll see you next week on Talking Toddlers.