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Talking Toddlers
What Gets in the Way of Helping Toddlers Talk: Simple Shifts, Big Change Ep 128
00:41:48
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Play activates the brain's dopamine and serotonin centers, which then boosts their attention, boost motivation and their memory. It also builds that executive functioning that I talked about in that frontal lobe through trial and error, through self correction, through understanding cause and effect, and then building out that flexible thinking, that flexible reasoning.
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Hello, and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started.
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So let me introduce a simple way to make this daily habit really meaningful. I refer to it as my three Ps. It's quickly become my motto, no matter where I work, but to be present and purposeful and playful. That these three mindsets can really help shape the way that you show up for your toddler. That they directly impact how the brain wires itself in these early years. I use them because that's how the neuroscience, or that's what the brain science has taught me, right? That young children's brains are constantly building pathways, growing good ones, bad ones, weak ones, disjointed. 1. Millions of new neurons are making connections every second. But here's what I find the most important. That those connections are pruned away or strengthened based on your life experience that you're sharing with them, right? I've said before, repetition creates that automaticity. And the brain's way of saying, ah, this is important. Let me do it again. Ah, I can do that better. Ah, let me, Let me try one more try. And then on the flip side, novelty or a difference actually captures their attention. And they say, okay, here's. I see the pattern now. It's different. I better pay attention. They literally do that. That's what neuroscience has taught us from the 1990s. And that that novelty then promotes new growth, new areas, new understanding. And this is what I learned years and years ago, that 80, 20 rule, right? 80% of our experiences should be predictable, repetitive, consolidating, right? And building that automaticity. And that's what helps build and feel stability, right? And safety and mastery. Think of learning how to cut your. Your food, how to tie your shoe. How to button your buttons or zip your coat. It's repetitive. And over time, we've learned how to make those neurons connect more and more and more efficiently. Now, the 20% should be, like I said, new, right? It, it should spark our curiosity. It should pull in more tighter engagement. And that helps us build flexibility. Like, oh, yeah, I can go about my day doing common things. And then every once in a while, something's going to be different. That's okay. Let me pay attention. Let me build something new. And that, that's part, that's that learning curve. We know that the brain functions best that, that 80, 20 rule. And the truth is it's, it's, it's true for all of us at any age. But when we're looking at our little ones, especially true because their brains are so ripe and eager to learn. And it's what we call. They're more plastic, right? They're more malleable. So let's walk through my three P's that help support this and puts it in in real terms, right? To be present doesn't mean that you're staring at your child every second. It means that you've tuned in, you notice things, you respond intermittently. You're staying in the moment when you have to do something with him like eat or wash or buckle in the car seat, right? This is the foundation of that whole serve and return that every state CDC organization talks about. It's true beginning interaction, right? When your toddler babbles or gestures or looks in a certain direction, you respond. And they take, not like, ah, I'm important, right? They're beginning to learn that social dyad, right? They're learning that communication matters and that they have a voice in it and that their part in this is important. So here's a little neuro tip. These responsive moments light up their brain's language centers, their language networks, especially in the left hemisphere. And I would look at it as the Broca's area and the Vernon area, and it strengthens the social emotional wiring as well, because they're getting reinforced, they're getting attention to whatever they're doing. So a real life example would be that you're folding the towels and your toddler holds up one and you say, yeah, towel. You fold it, you put it on the table, fold it over one, fold two folds, and then you look at him, you pause, you give him a moment, and then give him another one. And that's being present. Now, he's not going to necessarily be interested in folding up the whole basket in the beginning. But if you pull them in because he ripped a towel out of the basket, draw attention to that. It's not perfect. He's not going to fold it perfectly and know all of, all of the essence of it. But he saw that you were doing something. He wanted to be a part of it. You include him, right? It's attention, it's turn taking, it's modeling, it works. That's building speech and language. Number two, the purposeful part, right? You have to be present. And now let's be purposeful. And I say this a lot. Toddlers don't need entertainment. They really need meaning. They need to know why washing your hands is important as we do it together, right? That. Ooh, sticky, yucky. Ooh, let's clean them up, let's wash them. And so being purposeful means not that you're just filling in the time, right? You're building skills, you're building their awareness, you're showing them cause and effect. Oh, we were in the kitchen, we got sticky with the, you know, maple syrup. Now we're going to wash, right? And that's that language. And it's in small, natural steps. And I. I just think that we've lost our way sometimes in understanding how critical everyday opportunities are to our little ones, because we do it for them or we expect them to do it themselves, right? But when you bring your toddler into real tasks, you're helping their brain make those connections. And so by the time they're three and you say, go wash your hands, they can do it, right? That you have actions and words, you have feelings and expressions, you have sequence and structure. This kind of repetition builds those neural efficiency, right? It's that 80% over and over again. You wash your hands 45 times this week, and pretty soon you're going to be able to do it yourself, right? It's building those patterns, and that's what mastery is all about. So ultimately, you want him, you know, to sit down and read a book or sit down and write a paper. It starts now, following those directions and building those motor planning skills and understanding the sequence of events. But without these early repetition, you introduce small or. I'm sorry, throughout these early repetitions, you then also build some variability because you don't want them to get stuck and rigid in their learning. And that if you do it differently today, or washing your hands and at the park, in the bathroom, there is no different than washing your hands at home, right? But you do want to build some novelty. And so what this does, as a Neuro TIP is, is building that prefrontal cortex, right? And that's responsible for our attention and our memory, our decision making. And it's just that prefrontal cortex. And I think a lot of schools, a lot of, even clinical psychologists, they. They don't really understand that it's just beginning to get online when they're three and six and even eight, right? That that frontal cortex continues to grow well into our 20s. And some of the research suggests that boys don't finish that frontal lobe brain development until 29, 30 years of age and, and young women closer to 24, 25. But, but when we think about this 8020 rule and we have these, these everyday routines and then we switch it up, that is expanding them and helping them build perhaps some problem solving, making different decisions, reorganizing, and that flexibility and, and all of that is paired with their movement and their sensory input. And the key here is the reason why I stress to have the kids do it with you, is that's that movement. So you're going to prompt them like, oh, put your hands under the faucet, turn on the water. And so you're not just washing their hands and say, okay, let's get out. You know, you're giving them the verbal directions and expecting them to move and follow, right? And so there's a wide variety of sensory input. There's auditory, there's visual, there's tactile. All of this is really building together that cognitive network. So here's a quick story from back when I was in college and I worked in skilled nursing facilities, and I remember walking into those rooms and walking into the facility itself, that everything was the same every day. And we now know 30, 40 years later that those beige walls, the same mushy food, the same music loop, the same routines that when we place our. Our elders in these skilled nursing facilities, they start to break down. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally and psychologically. They. They. They just get. And I saw this happen over and over again. And I remember in my early career putting all of this together. And in the 1990s, we were realizing this 8020 rule that if we want in our older years to stay sharp to being engaged and independent, the same things that we want our toddlers to be, then we have to live in that 80:20 rule too. And so these poor older folks really had this kind of blah, flatness to their whole day in their life, and they weren't stimulated. So our brains, at any age of this life continuum, really craves meaningful variety. Not chaos, not Mayhem. Right. But you know, I've learned over the years that what I saw and one of the things that helped me as I transitioned from working with adults in adult rehab, brain injured strokes and that kind, to focusing on kids was if the brain needs all of the same stuff in different forms and fashions but across our lifespan, like I said, you know, when you're an older person or when you're new to this world. And so I've always kept that in mind that it's the same for toddlers. That's why, you know, the whole concept of being purposeful or having purposeful engagement, not passive background noise or not passive. I'm going to get everything all ready. You just sit here and wait for me. That is really essential for them to be engaged with purpose. Right. Okay. And then the third P is playful. That play is really how your toddler learns and is the environment in which they get to practice these things. Right. And being playful isn't about you being a silly clown all day every day or turning your, your home into the circus. Right. It's not really about being on, on 24 7, like I've said, it's really about inviting some joy, some light heartedness, some curiosity. And, and so I think of being playful as you're standing in front of the sink and you're going to get ready to take a bath, say, and, and you say, oh, what do we need to do first? Do we sit down on the floor? No. You know, do we dry off with a towel? No. Do we turn on the faucet? Water in the faucet? That's what we do first. So there's a little playfulness there. Right. We act silly. We, I mean, acting silly meaning like we ask ridiculous questions in, in therapy we call them verbal absurdities. Right. Because we want them to attend. If we're just constantly doing the same for them or putting them in the next step without them having to initiate anything, then they're being passive. Just like the old folks home, right. The skilled nursing facility. They're just being pushed around in their wheelchair. Here, eat this, here, lay down, take your nap. Right. We want them to attend. We want them to build curiosity like moms. Ridiculous. She doesn't know what to do. We're going to take a bath, we have to turn on the water first. Right. But we have to pull them in. And you know, after three, four, five years old, you don't have to do this anymore. Right. It's about pausing to follow your child's lead, perhaps even using a silly Voice pretending that a spoon is really a microphone. Right. Or turning a sock into a treasure hunt. All of these playfulness opportunities to get your child to attend, pay attention, and follow or engage with you. When your toddlers feel emotionally safe and mentally engaged, their brains are more receptive to learning. And here's a neuro tip. Play activates the brain's dopamine and serotonin centers, or systems, which then boosts their attention, boosts motivation and their memory. It also builds that executive functioning that I talked about in that frontal lobe through trial and error, through self correction, through understanding, cause and effect, and then building out that flexible thinking, that flexible reasoning. So here's a real life example. Say you're tidying up the toys, which we're always doing, right? You pretend that one block is lost. You say, oh, no, where does he find his home? Look, block, block. And you give it to him. And then he engages with you. You don't just say, put it away, put it away, put it away. Clean up, clean up. And so you don't have to do this with every block, but you do it for the first couple, and then they're engaged. Oh, that's so good. That's so good. Let's keep going. Keep going. You got him. You got all the blocks up. Yay. Right? Suddenly, it's not a duty that they have to clean up. It's a game, it's a story, it's a language lesson, right? Play brings novelty to the repetition. Yeah, we're going to clean up our toys. That's the repetition. When we're done, we're going to clean them up. But if I'm playful with it, I can mix it up a little bit and they'll be more willing to engage. This is why I feel these three matter together, because we can have presence without purpose. And that might look like your toddler Will is near you, but they're not really building their skills. They're sort of like that little Alex where he was on one side of the fence and mom was on the other, and they were doing their own stuff, but they weren't purposefully present. Right? And you can have purpose without playfulness. So you might create some structure, but there's no connection. Right? And we learn better through connection. And then you can have playfulness without presence, and that becomes entertainment, right? That becomes passive entertainment. Right. It's not true engagement. It's not expanding your skill sets or your understanding. But when we put all three of these together, I think that's where learning takes place. And at the emotional level and the linguistic level. And I think the best part is that it doesn't require more time, maybe a couple minutes here and there, but it mostly requires you to shift your mindset, you to say, okay, how can this be part of my lifestyle? And I just want to share a backstory about neuroplasticity, because that's really always what's driving my. My teaching, my sharing, is that Dr. Michael Merznik was one of the founding fathers for neuroplasticity back in the 1980s and 1990s. And he states, quote, the brain changes in response to what it does, not just to what it knows. And I'll share with you that I had the great privilege of training and working and studying under Dr. Merzenich between 1996 and probably up through 2008, 2010, through a groundbreaking program called Fast Forward. And it was developed by a company that he helped form called Scientific Learning Corporation. It was a powerful season in my career because it really. The 1990s, early 2000s, really helped change how I helped children and helped families and tried to help school systems expand and understand the science behind learning. That learning along these researchers and Dr. Paula Talal was one of his colleagues, really cemented my belief in this core truth that repetition builds the brain, novelty grows the brain, and the right kind of engagement does both. So when we show up, when we're present and purposeful and playful, you're not just being a good mom or being fun to be with. Right. You're actually doing brain work. And I Learned this through Dr. Merznik's work and Dr. Paulo Talal, that you're activating neuroplasticity in real time through your daily connections with your toddlers, through everyday experiences. My plan was to move into what can get in the way, because even the most intentional moms face distractions, especially nowadays, a lot of self doubt. And then there's this cultural noise that makes this particular habit. How do I stay home and be with my toddler at the same time? Feel like I'm contributing to the world? Right? And I think there's. We. We can talk about that in another episode, but I think that there's a lot of disinformation regarding that. And. And I want to be part of helping you understand how you can make that different. My intention is, if you are off track with these, I want to help you get back on track without feeling guilty, without sharing, shaming, or feeling like, oh, my gosh, I messed it up. I want to really look at how we can Always go back and redo. Right. Even when we know that being present and being purposeful and being playful is what builds our toddler's brain, we still all get pulled away. Not because we're bad parents, mind you, but because the world we're raising these kids in is loud and noisy and fast. And often it works against your motherly parent grandparent instincts. Right? Our human nature is to be with these little ones and not to sit down and entertain them 24 7, like I said, but to pull them in and to, to. To help them understand how our little family, our little world works. So what could be getting in your way of this one? Simple habit. So let's name a few that I think are obvious. Right? There's actually five of them, but I want you to be able to recognize them. Release some guilt, let it go. Right. Nail it to the cross. Bury it at Calvary. Right. But to start making small and powerful shifts. The first and foremost is that screens and digital distractions really are obvious. That they're pulling us away from the most human connections. Because it's not just watching episodes or that, but it's the notifications that we get, the to do lists that we put on our phones, the group texts, the email pings. Right. It's no longer about screen time, but it's about screen presence that they've. It has seeped into our life. That you might be in the same room with your toddler, but if your mind is scrolling or responding or looking out of the corner of your eyes, reacting, Right. Or perhaps you just hear that ping and you're wondering, ooh, who is that? What was that? Was that important? Right? You're not really there. And then your toddler, believe it or not, they're becoming more and more in sync with you. They feel disconnected. They know when your eyes glaze over or your tone starts to flatten. Uh huh, honey. Uh huh, honey. That's nice. Right? When you're really looking at something else. And that's not judgment, we've all done that. This is just development. It's human connection or lack thereof. Right? And we've all been there, both personally and professionally. I too, I'm bringing it to the forefront so we can become more cognizant of our behaviors. So here's a little neuro note. I like to give these out. The brain really can't multitask. Nope. When our attention is split, language input really suffers. Right? And that emotional connection weakens, breaks down, that whole serve and return. And our toddlers and our elementary School kids and our husbands and our friends, we all feel it. There's no real healthy form of multitasking. The only thing I ever think of as multitasking is maybe cooking a meal in. In the kitchen together with other people or driving. And I think, you know, we have to have multi levels of thought process during those two tasks. But please remember that even screens in the background, that if you have the TV blaring or something, or you're just used to that noise, then that also interferes with human communication too. So keep all of that in mind as you go about your day. And these were just highlighting these five things that can get in your way. The second one, number two, is really over scheduling and the whole myth about being productive, right? And I think that that's another major blocker that we feel like we don't have time to engage because we have a really tight schedule and we have all these. This play date to go to or this birthday party or this event or that event. And the thing is, in these first three or four years, the more that you can build in your daily life at home or in the community, the better that it's building that foundation. And I've said this over and over again throughout my career. It's not about adding more time. It's about embedding connection into what you have to do already. And I hear mom say this a lot to me, like, oh, I'll play with him after I finish cleaning up. But the truth is, it's actually cleaning is the moment that you can pull him in. Folding the clothes with him matters, right? Narrate how you're dusting or sweeping or picking up the piles, matching socks or sorting daddy's clothes from mommy's clothes. That's that game like chore is true learning, right, is building that network. So when you stop thinking of learning as something that happens outside of your daily life, you begin to truly unlock hundreds of moments that your child can grow in real time with your guidance. And then the third thing that gets in the way is that I think moms and dads and grandparents even are uncomfortable with play. Like Alex's mom that I. That I shared with you earlier in this. That this one. I do feel like it's more common than ever, especially for moms and sometimes dads who didn't really grow up around little kids or who feel strong that they have to get things done, like Alex's mom. Maybe you feel silly doing pretend voices or maybe you don't like to play make believe, right? Maybe you Just say, oh, you know, I'm not a very playful person. And I thought that way too. You know, you're not alone. And remember, play isn't performance. Sometimes it feels like we're play acting all day, every day. But it really is building that connection and simplifying it. So your, your baby and your toddler and your preschooler gets pulled in easily, right? It's trying something new. It's following your child's lead just for a few minutes here, there, you know, sprinkled throughout your day. And the good news, I believe, is that toddlers are the easiest audience in the world. I can act ridiculous and gain his attention for two or three minutes and discourage him from playing with the water fountain. They're not judging how your play or if it's really playful enough. They're thrilled to connect with you. They're interested in other humans. They want to be engaged. So I get it. And believe it or not, I had to learn how to play with kids. I think I've shared this in previous episodes, but most of my graduate training was focused on adults. The SNFs, right? The skilled nursing facilities, the. The acute brain rehab. Little kids honestly intimidated me. They were unpredictable, they were messy, they were emotional. I didn't know how to be with them, let alone connect. You know, I could do drills. What's this word? What's this word? What's this word? What's this picture? And I remember early in my career, it was pretty pivotal for me that I had to cover maternity leave for a colleague in the psychiatric hospital that I was working in. I was on the adult unit. She was in the pediatrics. And it was my very first case of a young boy, three or four years of age with autism. At that time, back in the late 1980s, we didn't even study autism in grad school. I've shared that before. It was pretty rare. 1 in 10,000. And I felt completely unprepared. Not only is this a child on the autism spectrum, which I knew very little of, but it's a child, right? But the truth is, I also felt deeply called, right? I sensed God's nudge, honestly, to just be curious, to just go in his room and be with him. So I did. I stayed. I sat on the floor, I watched him. I followed his lead. And slowly I learned to let go of my unrealistic expectations and build connection through his quiet presence. He was curious. Once I got curious, right? And honestly, that experience changed everything for me. It didn't make me an instant playful therapist, but it Showed me that play starts with presence, not perfection, or not knowing, or not even having a plan. It's like, I'm just gonna be here with you. It begins when we can sit beside a child with our own curiosity. And at that time I was really curious, like, how did this kid stuff work and yet have an open heart and to care about his well being and to care about how can I communicate with him without words? And the truth is if I can learn how to play. Because if you talk to anybody who knew me in my 20s, I was serious. I was a control freak. You know, I liked the agenda plan, the treatment plan. So I feel like if I can learn how to play with kids and earn their trust, you can too. I think the fourth thing that gets in our way is really our cultural confusion or expert overload that we're living in a time when everyone has an opinion. And being new parents, I feel like you are, are probably the biggest group of individuals who are so bombarded with so much information. You have competing parenting advice, there's a lot of misinformation online and there's a lot of fear based messaging and it's gotta be overwhelming. And that's what I keep hearing from you, that when you're unsure, or when any of us is unsure, we freeze, we start to back off, we wait for a clearer sign or a clearer answer. But this is what I've learned, that we don't need to know everything. We just need to show up, to watch, to respond, to repeat, to expand, right? That to me, is developmental gold. What your child needs is not the latest trend. Right? It's you in real life, using your real voice and your playful voice, doing real things together. That's what every baby, every toddler, every preschooler wants. And so the fifth thing that I think can get in your way, I think it really hits deep, is that we as grownups forget at how powerful the small stuff really is. Right? Because I think many parents today are doing so much, but they feel like they're not enough, right? Like I said, you have, you have play dates, you have story time, you have library time, you have tumbling class or T ball or dance or swimming, all of this. But you still feel like, like it's not enough, right? My, my child still isn't blossoming. And I get it. This world, even, you know, I can cross the last three or four decades and I, then I can compare it to my own childhood. This world can make everyday motherhood seem like it doesn't really count. And that's Like I insinuated earlier, that's a whole nother conversation. And we will get there. Because I, at this stage in my career, and the purpose of this podcast is really to share what's most important about human development, right? Babies and toddlers and preschoolers and how I have changed kind of my vision. And I really think motherhood and families are the most important. I've always respected and honored that. But we as a culture have moved so far away that I think we have to start talking about how to get back in alignment, right? How to get back into that center. Like I said, we have to stop thinking that if we're not enrolled into something or if you don't have a workbook or a worksheet or you're not tracking progress over time or measuring this or measuring that. That. That you're not dutiful enough. Right. And that you're trying to be the preschool teacher. They don't need the preschool teacher. They need you. And what I can assure you, I promise you that it's the small, repeated moments. It's knowing what we're going to do after we have breakfast. It's knowing together we're going to wash our hands. It's knowing that we have three things on our errand list, right? We're going to go to the grocery store, we're going to go to dry cleanings, and then we're going to meet Aunt Susie to drop off a box. Whatever's on your list that it's not cute by dragging them along or being playful while you're washing dishes. It really is neurobiology happening in real time. And I don't say this lightly. I. I say it because it's factual and they don't. Like I said, I think three or four times just today, they don't need an app, they don't need a special book or the best gadget. They need some Tupperware, some boxes, and you. They need some mud, some dirt, some rocks, some grass, some leaves and water. And you. But the truth is singing those nursery rhymes over and over again. That's rhythm, that's memory, that's sequencing. That's building that neurobiology. Describing what you're doing when you're cooking the toast and gonna put butter on it. That's vocabulary. Making silly faces in the mirror after you wash up or clean your teeth or brush your hair. That is social, emotional mirroring, right? That's. That's connection, that. Sharing that moment. These are all things that the brain wires and builds from, right? It. It remembers based on that experience. And. And no program, no classroom, no preschool ever can replace that, I guarantee. So here's the hope that I want you to walk away with. I'm not sharing these barriers to make you feel bad, right? Those five barriers. I want to share them so you can finally say, oh, okay, that's what's been pulling me away. And I want to get back. So how do I take these barriers, these things that are impacting me, and make a change? Right? Because parenting is not about perfection or finding the perfect daily schedule. It's about constant course correction. It's like a pilot going from New York City to la. They're constantly correcting in real time. So they get there, but sometimes the wind blows, or sometimes there's an undercurrent or sometimes there's a cloud. I don't know. I'm not a pilot, but. But I know. I've read how they're constantly course correcting in real time so they can make it to their destination in a smooth line as possible, right? And sometimes they have to be detoured. That's okay. That's what you and I do in parenting, too. Because the good news is it's never too late to reconnect with your child at any age. Six months, six years, 16. Your. But here in toddlerhood, your toddler isn't keeping score. They're just waiting to be with you, right? To see your face, to hear your voice, to be present. Right. To be engaged. And we will continue this conversation because I want to share with you what it looks like to move across your whole day. How do we be present from morning to bedtime? I'll show you how this habit, this one habit plays out in real life, in real homes with real toddlers and real mamas. Because those moments, the talking, the listening, the playing, are what build your child's brain. Next week, we'll talk about some simple play strategies that actually teach the brain to talk. In the meantime, make sure you're subscribed. And if you haven't yet, join Inside Talking Toddlers. It's my private podcast where we go a bit deeper on Thursdays and you'll get my free guide, the top five daily habits that build your child's brain. You'll find the link below in the show notes. Because the little years are the big years. And you, mom, you make the biggest difference. So God bless, and I'll see you next week on Talking Toddlers.