← Talking Toddlers
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- [00:00]
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And when I sat down with the parents, both were lovely, lovely people. I gently explained what most of us didn't learn growing up. Toddlers don't learn by being managed, nor do they really learn by figuring it out on their own. Some will, but the vast majority don't. They learn by being included, right, in everyday things. And I've said this over and over again, they don't know chores or work versus play, and it's just life. And so what I did with these parents was I talked about.
- [00:39]
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Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that. But here our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction. To never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started.
- [01:21]
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Today's episode is called the One Daily Habit that Helps Toddlers Learn to Talk. And yes, it's just one. Now, before we dive in, let me say this clearly. This episode is not about flashcards. It's not about teaching your child 10 new words by Friday. And it's not even about doing more. In fact, it's about doing less, but with more intention. I want you to imagine something. You're standing at your kitchen sink washing a few breakfast dishes. Your toddler is nearby, maybe playing with a spoon, and down there by your feet, tugging out your leg. You glance down, you smile and you say, oh, wow, you have a spoon. It's a big shiny spoon. Are you helping me? Let's wash the spoon together. And you pick him up, you let him rinse it off with the water. Swish, swish. Wash the spoon. You didn't sit down with a curriculum book. You didn't carve out any special speech lesson or talking time. But guess what? That moment right there, that ordinary in the middle of your life moment, was language learning. It was real and powerful brain building interaction. Because the truth is, the one habit that helps toddlers, all toddlers, learn to talk, is simply pulling them in to your world, engaging with them out loud as you go about your day. And you may have heard this before, but I want to really help you understand why. Because that's it. Ordinary moments infused with presence and purpose and a little playfulness. Because here's the truth. I think you, you have been sold a different story. That we need the right toys or you need toddler tech, or you need a fancy class. Nope. Some parents have even said, I'm going to wait until they learn how to talk before I can really have an engagement with them. No, that's not it either. Perhaps you've been convinced that our job is to entertain, distract, and even manage until you get through your day and then put them to bed. A lot of parents feel that way. But that's not what toddlers need most. They need us. Our words, our faces, our attention, our real lives in real time. And the truth is, the science backs this up. But if you think about it commonsensically, that aligns, too, because that's what I always ask. I read the science and then I ask, is this common sense? How does this apply to being human? I always go back to that questioning. Today we're going to break that down. So then it clicks in your mind and really opens up your heart. Because I want you to understand the why, why this works so easily. Because then you'll never see your day in the same light. So welcome back to Talking Toddlers. If you're new here, welcome, welcome. I'm Erin Heyer, speech language pathologist, a toddler specialist, a mom. And I've spent over 35 years working with families just like yours in early development, both through the challenges and and the beautiful everyday wins. So the big first question is, why does this episode matter? I meet so many moms, especially new moms, who want to get it right, but they have so many questions. What toys do I get to help with speech and language? Or should I be teaching colors or numbers? Is it normal that my toddler isn't talking very much or can't sit down and listen and share a book with me? And what I tell them is this. Before we get all worried or concerned about milestones, and we do talk about them a lot here, or even specific speech delays, I want each and every mom to take a look at your daily rhythm. Look at how you invite your child into your world, into your life. Because language isn't built on isolated lessons. It's built on shared moments. And although I've spent, as I said, Over 35 years in individual speech and language, that's with kids who have fallen off the track, who are really struggling. I want to give you the opportunity to never fall off the track, to keep him moving forward through everyday moments. And yes, it's a process. We learn over time. They learn over time. But with experience and these everyday opportunities, we relearn the rhythm and create your family life. Mom, I want you to know that you can create the dream life that you want, but you do have to be patient and understanding that there are chunks of developmental steps that you just honor. I know in my own experience in raising our daughter, I was very cognizant of the times, especially in those first five years when she was very young, I had a full practice. And we were very fortunate at that time that we had one full time nanny who truly became an integral part of our family. And I felt incredibly blessed. Both my husband and my parents were deceased, and so we wanted to give that richness to our daughter. But I also knew that consistency was pivotal and that every one of us had to be on the same page and that we were focusing on what's important at this stage. And so hear me when I say this, I don't want to put any pressure on any of you, right. I want you to hear all of this information I'm sharing today as permission to see your daily life as holy ground. Those first three to five years, my husband and I were kind of homebodies. We knew that with our busy careers, we then really need to be home and present with our daughter when we were home, right? That, that we structured that with intention. And so what, what the. The home life can become as this holy ground is folding laundry, setting the table, washing hands. It all counts. And we had our nanny understand this as well. And so her rhythm wasn't much different than ours. It's not glamorous, right? And when I was home, I was home. But all of it is truly essential. And it's not going to be forever is those first several years, because it's yours, your home life is yours. And it's where your child really begins to learn how this world works. And, and this is what I believe, and I've shared this before, but I believe God didn't make mistakes putting you here now at this time in this season with this particular child. And he certainly didn't intend for it to be outsourced to screens or strangers or silent routines. Right? Or classes to keep them busy, I really think. And today we're going to look at this. But the purpose of today's episode is that you'll understand these things. One, why this one habit works so well. Two, see how it applies to everyday moments. And then three, to get a clear picture of what engagement looks like and what it doesn't look like. And then I want to go over what I often refer to as my three P's to be present and purposeful and playful. And I use them as the key to creating this lifestyle. Right. Not a checklist, but. But it's this background theme that you can then begin to embrace. This, to me, is one of the most powerful episodes I have yet to share because it's about going back to what's natural and instinctive to us as humans. And I think it's time tested. It's never too late or too early to start this. And so you can look at where am I on this journey and I can dive in and start to implement some of these ideas. So let me first start by telling you about a family I worked with not too long ago. And the mom came to me feeling mixed with some guilt and frustration because her son, little alex, was about 16 months old at the time and still not talking, talking much. She loved him deeply. This was her first. I think she was an engineer by trade, but she had been told, like many new moms, to just that first year, year and a half, just keep him safe, right? He's going to get into a lot of things. And so she did what she thought was responsible and she set up a gate in the living room so he could play freely, right? He had room to explore while she, quote, unquote, took care of, took care of things, right? Prepping some meals, answering emails. I think she worked part time doing laundry, doing whatever a good mom does. He had his space, he had his toys. But most of the day he was on one side of the gate and she was on the other. Yeah, they got together, you know, for diaper changing and meal times and all of that. But what I saw was this sweet, energetic little boy. He was very curious, very eager, but alone in his play, right? Yeah. He would dump toys, he would wander around, he would try to figure, what do you do with these blocks? Or what do you do with these figurines, right? Moving from one thing to the next without any real engagement. And mom was unaware that she was really to be his model, to be his guide, to set the stage with, with him. Yes, he was safe and yes, he was truly loved. But what he wasn't getting was a partner. And when I sat down with the parents, both were lovely, lovely people. I gently explained what most of us didn't learn growing up. I grew up in a different time, you grew up in a different time. And so I'm bringing all of this knowledge together. Toddlers don't learn by being managed. Right. Nor do they really learn by figuring it out on their own. Some will, but the vast majority don't. They learn by being included. Right. In everyday things. And I've said this over and over again, they don't know chores or work versus play. It's just life. And so what I did with these parents was I talked about what it looks like to narra to your child, to be the model and the guide, the playful teammate or partner. Right. And we practiced ways to bring Alex into their world. And I, I would model this in, in my, with my one way mirror in my office. And then they would go home, they did some videotaping. I did a couple of home visits, even if it's messy or slower. And it didn't look like mom was getting things done in a timely fashion or all that organized. She be feel the difference. Right? And, and the truth is, I remember that dad got the hang of it pretty quickly. He wasn't afraid to be silly. He got on the floor. He, you know, did a lot of make believe. He. He would turn simple tasks like putting the toys away or getting ready for bed into games. Right. Mom admitted it. It took time for her to, to let go of some of this awkwardness, right. That she didn't really. Or pretend that that wasn't kind of in her wheelhouse. But with practice and a few laughs along the way and a couple of serious talks, honestly, she started to enjoy these little moments and really appreciated the character that her little Alex had that he was bringing to the table. Right. He was his own person. And the truth is, in just a few short months, he was really thriving. He was back on track. And he went from silent, exploring, touching things and getting things into true laughter on purpose and pointing and starting to really name things and, and show interest in learning how to talk and imitating us. And that was the big key, that was the turning point. But his brain, his, his. His essence hadn't been behind. He had just been waiting for someone to kind of step in, invite him into the conversation and engage with him. And that's the power of this one habit that we're intentional. And we use our daily life as part of that engagement to build that connection. So, you know, that's just one example. And we all kind of come to the table with different versions of that. So now I just want to take a look at how this could play out in your life in real time. Right. Most parents don't realize that their home is really a perfect speech and language development classroom. Right. It's not Pinterest perfect. It's not IG ready, right? But it's not even, you know, you. The posters and the flashcards and a lot of parents, unfortunately, nowadays since COVID who are thinking about homeschooling kind of recreate the daycare or the preschool in their home. And I'm like, no, no, no. You want this to be home based, right? Not classroom based, but at this particular age, I want you to focus on how you can use real life moments, hundreds of them throughout, to really shape your child's brain into using speech and language and to attend and to share and that you really do have opportunities, dozens upon dozens every day. Right? And so I want you to take a look at, and I say this a lot here, but, you know, from brushing your teeth to loading the groceries, to folding towels, to stirring pancakes, to rolling meatballs, your toddler will be wiring their brain, learning language by being near you, by doing it with us, by guiding and imitating you, because they're, they're an active participant. And that's how God designed us to learn to do and engage, make mistakes, sure, but then we correct, right? And here's a secret that it's not about setting aside special time for even speech. Yes, we need the book sharing, we need quiet times, all of that, but it's about pulling your toddler and even your new one year old into your time, into your rhythm so they get in sync with us and they learn through these everyday extraordinary movements and extraordinary growth opportunities. So let's take a minute, talk about what, how this actually looks. And so let's think about in the kitchen, you're making breakfast, right? And I use this example a lot, but instead of plopping your toddler in front of a screen or even, you know, sit here and watch me while you're in the high chair so I can quote, unquote, get it done. You actually bring them into the process. Maybe you stand them up on a learning tower or in the high chair next to you, or even you just keep them on the floor and you give them a bowl and a spoon and they're mixing stuff too, perhaps it's not the real food, but they're in the kitchen with you doing similar things and you say to them, if they're in the tower and you help them crack the eggs and it gets messy, okay, Maybe a shell or two gets in the scrambled eggs. That's okay, right? But you know, teach them how to stir or use that immersion blender and you build language. Eggs, crack, mix, blend, stir, whoops, all kinds of real words. And, and it's really building that vocabulary in context. They're sequencing the steps. First we have to crack the eggs, then we mix the eggs, and then we find the spinach or find the onions. They're all building memory and organization. They're using their motor planning and turn, taking and building it into sustained attention. So now let's take a look at chores. And I share this a lot because I think it's an easy task that you can make into a language based learning opportunities. And that's folding laundry, right? You hand your toddler a sock and say, oh, here's one sock, where's the other? Right. Can you match it? It's a red sock. Can you find a red sock? That's the same. And you help them in real context understand what's same and it's different. Big and little, dirty and clean. All of this rich language. And they might end up just, you know, taking out your hand and run to the, to the other room. Okay, that was just an opportunity, right. It's really about pulling him in, in real time and encouraging him to, to engage with you. Right. They're, they're listen, they're taking a moment to, to stop, to look at you, to listen, to hear your voice starting to match some of these new vocabulary words. Same, different, dirty, clean. Conceptually, they don't really always understand that they understand dirty hands, hands. But to then apply it to other objects like clothing or the house, that's generalization, that's expansion. Right? But you're really giving them opportunity after opportunity to build language, rich language, and generalize into other situations. Right. We don't want children to learn that these words or this directive works in this context. We want them to know that it works in every context. Right? So now let's imagine you're at the store again, one of my favorite tasks. And you're pushing, you have a list. You're pushing him in the cart and you have a list and you ask him and you look around and you have all these fruits and vegetables and you say, where's the green broccoli? Or where's the yellow bananas? And they have to search, right? They're listening to your words, they're looking in the environment. And you know, you can make it a big environment by holding them in the cart further away or getting a little closer. These are apples, these are bananas. Which one do we want? Which one's yellow? You have a thousand different ways that you can set the language stage for this. And you're modeling how categories you know, different categories, different food groups. Fruit, vegetables, right? Fresh, canned, whatever. But you're looking at colors and making decisions and picking things out in context. And that's when moms always ask me about numbers and colors, all those academic things. And I'm like, if they can apply it in context with real things, then that's true learning. That's true communication, right? They're learning to connect your words and what they hear in the real world. So now let's switch. Let's look at bedtime, right? You're wiping, cleaning their face. You're gonna put on pajamas, read a short book. Whatever your routine is that you're. You're creating, right? That those book ends, but you give them verbs and nouns, right? Zip or snap your jammies. Let's get your book. Where's your favorite book? And the bear in your book goes night, night too. You're using real words, but it's simplified. So they can really hone in on that, apply it to what you're doing and the few objects that are relevant in real time. And I look at this as like building that rhythm, that routine. And you're. You using. You're not running around and chasing them or bouncing them on the beds. That. This is a different energy at bedtime. That's different than when you're washing the dishes and different than when you're shopping. It's connection, right? It's. It's building. And he begins to shift. How does and adjust my behavior? How do I. How do I present myself in these different contexts? And why all of this works so easily is, you know, and I look at the neuroscience. I look at how, how the brain is learning to wire itself, right? Repetition helps that organization. Your brain is looking for patterns, patterns of sounds, patterns of words, words that go together to. To mean a certain task or a certain skill. Your brain is also looking for predictability, which strengthens memory. If they see you start to dim the lights, oh, that's getting ready for bed. They begin to understand and take ownership and agency of this. It's also building joint attention, right? You're focusing on whatever you're doing together, whether you're picking out. Picking out bananas or you're washing the cup or you're washing your hands. You're focused together, right? That's. That's that sustained attention and joint attention, and it really builds the foundation for conversations. And as you narrate throughout your day, it's not just about labeling things or talking to yourself, right? You're really connecting with them. It's what's happening with you all. And it's not every single moment, but, but it's what's relevant to him because it, it expands the vocabulary for sure, right? The description of language, the descriptive vocabulary, the emotional words, the action and ve and the sequencing. And so along with each one of these examples that I'm sharing, there's movement, right? And if we put together movement and language, that's really what's happening in that brain synergy. It's literally wiring the brain. And when your toddler is truly physically engaged with whatever the learning task is, whether it's carrying something or pouring something or mixing something or scrubbing something or climbing on something, they're activating the motor areas in the brain along with the language areas. And it's all, you know, there are modules in the brain that, that have proclivity or that are dominant for certain things. But this is what researchers mean when they say development happens across children domains, right? That cognition is an understanding. It's not intelligence. Communication is being able to listen and express yourself. And then social emotional growth is mixed in with the motor skills. All of this, these are the developmental milestones. These groups or categories that I look at, I look at cognition. Cognition is turning and looking at you when he hears his name. Communication is imitating when you're playing patty cake. Social, emotional growth and stability is if you make a mistake and you spill something on the floor, you don't fall apart. And motor skills are being able to roll over and crawl and climb and build and use your right hand and your left hand at midline and to cross. All of these things are interconnected and they don't develop in isolation. They, they build and grow and expand upon themselves together. And the best place for all of this to happen is real life. And I remember it in the 1990s when I first started working with, with occupational therapists who specialize in sensory integration. And we were able to, to work with kids together. And I thought, wow, this is perfect. You know, in a sensory gym you have a speech therapist, you have the ot and this is what we tried to teach classes to help parents take this information and do it at home, you know, with these mini obstacle courses at home, or to help them pull them into the kitchen, or to climb up on the countertop and brush your teeth. All of these real life activities we could model in the treatment room. But if you mom and dad and grandparents could think of these as you're going about your day, that's a win win, right? Because what toddlers actually need, and I think many parents don't quite understand, is that they need purposeful engagement. They don't need to be entertained. And toddlers, as you know, don't need shows or apps or even background music on. They really need meaningful, purposeful, interaction, engagement, guidance, right? Someone to talk to, respond to, laugh with, invite them in and use it in real time. And, and, you know, I keep saying this, but I think, I think it's more important today than ever, any time in my career because we're so technologically heavy, right, that at the end of the day, they need you, especially in these first three years, five years, six years, right? They need you to be as present as possible, to be purposeful and guideful and to be playful, to not be so serious, which, you know, we all can be, including me. I'm, I'm notorious for taking things too seriously, but I'm learning in my more mature age. And so I want you to consider this. Even five minutes of focused engagement beats an hour of passive exposure, like a screen or for them just to figure it out on their own, right? But if you pull them in and leave your phone on the table, when you take them into the bathroom to wash their hands and just be with them, right? Your toddler isn't counting the minutes or the hours. They're counting the moments. And I've always said this, that, that as you build their, their language and, and their understanding, they also, they recall the feelings behind these engagement. They don't remember how many times they went to the, the, to the park. They don't remember the playground. They don't remember the gifts. They remember the feelings behind it. They're counting those moments. And that when you look at them and smile and give them thumbs up and, you know, kind of shrug off the fact that you made a mess in the kitchen, you're in it together because that's what really works. So now I want to just highlight, because I, I think it's, it's important that you can look at those activities that I laid out as an example, right? So now let's look at a few things that get in the way, right? Especially in this modern world, because I think it's, it's important to, to separate these out when you can go about your day and say, okay, what am I doing and how can I do more of that or less of that? Right? So first and foremost, our screens, they replace that attention, right? And that multitasking that keeps you mentally somewhere else isn't helpful, right? So screens really put up a barrier you multitasking and trying to do too many things at once doesn't help anybody. We sense that disengagement. And then what we also do often, unfortunately, is over schedule, you know, signing them up for classes or play dates or this or that. And at these early years, especially the years that I'm focusing in on those first three years and even four years, they don't need a lot of filler. Right? And, and I don't want you also to feel like you're not doing it right. I think a lot of, a lot of moms will, will either overindulge or pull back starkly because they're not quite sure what that sweet spot is. And so instead of evaluating external things that you could be quote, unquote doing, I want you to look at what's your daily rhythm, right? How do you, how do you take these every day? Because your child will love making lunch with you. You, your child would love doing laundry with you. They don't understand its work and it's chore and that. You and I both hate it. They look at it as real life with mom and it's the best, right? So look at. You're already teaching them one way or another, even when you don't realize it. Here's what I want you to think of that if your toddler is near you, they're learning from you. No matter what your day looks like, whether you're talking or silent, they're learning. Whether you're showing or ignoring, they're learning. Whether you're including them or excluding them. Like that mom with that gate, they're still watching you. You. They're still trying to figure out this world. So do we want to be their guide and their role model and their teacher, or do we want them to muddle through? And. And the truth is, this is not meant to make you feel guilty because we don't know what we don't know. Our kids don't come with any kind of manual, let alone a parenting loving manual. Right. I share this information because I want you to feel empowered. It's not rocket science. It's really human connection. Because every single diaper change, every trip to the trash can or to the mailbox, every time you pick up socks and determine whether they're dirty or clean, It's a chance to build your toddler's language and understanding and connection. And it's really an opportunity to help them become an active participant of your family. All right, before we close today's episode, I want to share a decision. When I first recorded this episode. It actually ran a bit longer than I expected it. And I guess there seems to be a lot to say on the subject, even though it is a simple basic message that I'm trying to share with you. I do believe if we get this right, so many other pieces fall into place. So I don't want it to be overlooked. Therefore, I decided to split this episode into two parts. And actually I will add up a third to kind of round it out. But I want you to have time to sit with the information that I shared in this first half to really let it digest and really think about what I shared. Ask yourself a few questions. Are you rushing through your days? Are you more focused on the big milestones? Like how many words does she say? Instead of those small moments that build up to that hallmark? Right? How are you connecting through attention and turn taking and serve and return all of those precursors to spoken language? Ask yourself, are you parenting from an arm's distance? I know a lot of moms end up doing that because they feel like there's so much on her plate or on your plate that they have to juggle it. So instead of being in the thick of it with your baby or your toddler or your preschooler, you're just getting stuff done. Maybe there are dozens of thoughts that are running in your head and you're getting distracted by this noise instead of pulling them in when you're washing the dishes or doing laundry or going on errands, maybe you forget to share that beautiful healthy meal that you fixed for her. So I don't want you to feel pressured. I want you to look at this as an opportunity. It's not judgment. It's real life. It's complicated. And this is your invitation to pause, to take a few breaths with your little one and to really begin to let go. And I think this is a lifelong process, but to let go of some guilt, some shame and that uncertainty. All that noise is trying to degrade your worth as a mom. And it's whispering thoughts like you're not enough or you're not doing it right. That's not truth. I believe that's the enemy trying to defeat your confidence in this new beautiful role of yours as a mom or a dad or a grandparent. That's the enemy that puts wedges between children and the parents that love them more than anybody else on this earth. Don't let it really reinforce those self doubts. It's fine to have questions and to be curious of how do I do this? How Do I do it better today than I did yesterday? I believe that you are strong enough that you that each one of us has the Holy Spirit in our heart to support and guide us. But we have to turn down the noise and listen to that voice. So take time today to just hold your little one and just be in it with him or her. Feel what it's like to truly be present. Because that's where connection starts. That's where language is built from, and that's where love blossoms. That's the gift of motherhood. So one more side note before you go, be sure to look into my Inside Talking Toddlers. I want you to join that community. It's free and there's a signup down below. And as soon as you sign up, you'll instantly get my top five daily habits that will build healthy children. Kind of a checklist that you can put on your fridge and keep in your forebrain. By joining that insider community, you will then be part of my private group that gets many episodes and weekly encouragement that continue to help ground you in this new beautiful role and build your confidence as a mom or a dad or a grandparent. We will continue this particular episode because there's a lot more to share, but I'll show you how some simple shifts in your mindset will help rewire your your toddler's brain for better communication and confidence and connection and flow for your day. So you'll find the link to the Inside Talking Toddler down below in the show notes. And until next time, remember, these little years are the big years and every small, simple moment counts. We're building that momentum. So God bless and I'll see you in the next Talking Toddler.