← Talking Toddlers
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
I want you to think of milestones as a guide, not a deadline. And I think that's important. They're markers that help guide us through one developmental phase to another. So let's begin with the basics. Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction. To never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind. He's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. Is my baby's development normal? It's one of the most googled parenting questions out there. And in this episode of Talking Toddlers, I'm breaking down what milestones really mean and why progress matters more than hitting that perfect date. And how you each yes, you, mama, can be the key to your child's healthy growth. I'll show you how everyday moments can shape your baby's brain, body and behavior. This is for any mama who wants clarity, confidence, and real life tools to help your baby, your toddler, thrive. So don't panic. Get informed. That's how I like to say it. Be informed. So the title of this is what's normal? Anyway, understanding developmental milestones help shape what is normal, what is expected. And I get it, you're searching, scrolling, maybe even stressing. And I totally understand you're new at this. You've never done it before. It doesn't come it your baby, your toddler, they don't come with a manual. So I'm sure you're asking these questions. When should my baby be talking? Is it normal that she's not crawling yet or crawling sideways or perhaps crawling backwards like my daughter did? Should he be walking now? And what if he's not interested? How do I get him there? These are the questions that keep you parents up late at night. And it's not just because of the milestone itself, but it's because what they represent, what they mean underneath. You're wondering, is something off? So let me say this loud and clear. You're not alone. Every single parent has asked these questions one time or another. And I think the right thing to do is to ask these questions. I've shared in the past that developmental delays are at an all time high and there's Lots of reasons behind that. And we talk about it here, and we'll talk about more in the future. Today's episode is really peeling back the meaning behind milestones and how they serve you, how you can use them. I want you to think of milestones as a guide you, not a deadline. And I think that's important. They're markers that help guide us through one developmental phase to another. So let's begin with the basics. I always talk about fundamentals here, and I think if we keep it simple, keep it concrete, then it'll start to really sink in. Developmental milestones should not be looked at as a rigid checklist. Oh, he did this. He rolled over. He stood up. He's eating solid food. Boom, boom, boom, boom. They're actually reference points. And the guide that I talk about is. And that us professionals, I think, have misinformed you all. But they're designed to start conversations. See, here's the truth. Pediatricians and educators in general, they don't know a lot of the nuanced. They know pretty much what you mama and you dad know. They get an outline or they get a checklist, and they're just checking them off. A plus or a minus. Right. But the purpose that these guidelines started with was to start a conversation, not create panic or judgment or pass fail criteria. It's really to ask, are they rolling over yet? Oh, great, that's good. Are they, you know, pushing up to trying to crawl? Oh, no. Okay, well, tell me more. What is he doing? Is he spending enough time in tummy time? Well, explain to me how you're doing that. It's supposed to be the start of a conversation. So I want you to think about it as perhaps a growth chart, that if your baby is measured out and isn't exactly 25 inches tall by 6 months of age, because that's the average, you don't panic. You just keep an eye on the trend, keep an eye on the growth. Perhaps look at mom and dad and say, okay, how tall are they? You know, what's average if it's in the 40th percentile or the 70th percentile. Right. So milestones work the same way. It's not about hitting a skill right on the dot, but it's about making steady progress toward this marker. Right? And so I want to tell you something I've seen over and over again in my 35 plus years of early intervention and working on the floor with kids day in and day out. Children who reach milestones a little late but are definitely and clearly moving Forward, that's okay. Children who stop progressing, it's what we call plateauing or who lose skills. Now, that's where we have to pause and we have to look deeper and we have to look across the board of what could be going on. Not always. It's not always a direct one to one correlation. But let's even dig deeper and say, okay, what does typical even mean? Typical, right? And I, in my industry, we talk about typical or atypical, right? It's out of the range of quote, unquote expected. And we do have this range and we talk a lot about it. But I think our society or our communities at large have kind of twisted some of those meanings too. There's a range because there's so much going on and there's no way that any little baby or any little toddler can do everything evenly, right? It's not a straight line. There's so much going on that progress needs to be moving forward, even though there's a lot of wiggle room. And that's the key here, is that the range means that there's wiggle room, but we still have to be moving forward. And it doesn't happen just in one area too. If you look at any developmental chart, there are multiple domains that we look at. We look at motor, right? Gross motor, which are their big muscles, and fine motor, which are the fine muscles, including speech. We look at overall communication skills, how well they're processing and understanding verbal and nonverbal communication. We look at social emotional development, how well they're learning to engage with others and tolerate different contexts, different people, different rhythms, different atmospheres. We look at the cognition too, and that's that higher order thinking. It's not necessarily, and I've mentioned this over and over again, intelligence or iq, cognition means how well are they beginning to understand how their days unfold and different relationships with different people, because they all work together. And that's the key here. That's why you see progress moving forward. But there are teeny, tiny little dips and valleys, and sometimes one area will surge ahead while another one actually may take a backseat. But the key here is that happens temporarily. And I've always explained to parents that you can look at it as a certain bandwidth of your little baby and your little toddler. Let me give you an example of that. That's very, very common. A toddler who's learning how to use the toilet might suddenly begin to stumble or get garbled speech. And many parents will start to panic and say their speech doesn't sound like it used to. And some people might even look at that. A lot of school people will jump the gun and say, oh, he's stuttering. And it can look like stuttering. We say stuttering like behaviors, right? There could be long pa, he could repeat whole words. He could kind of look away from you and kind of get stuck. But it's not true stuttering. There are many, many specific characteristics of stuttering, and this typically is not it. It's a developmental tug of war that's going on in their brain, in their wiring system. So the brain perhaps is saying, hey, I'm juggling a lot right now. You want me to learn how to, you know, regulate my toilet at the same time, you want me to press on with higher order thinking and move from 2, 3 word utterances to whole conversations. That's a lot of bandwidth and I can't handle it right now. So speech and language will often take a backseat. But the important thing is that it only happens for a couple of weeks, not a couple of months. And that's the key here. It should not linger, that switch. And it should be better some days and a little more trying other days because there's a lot of fine tuning going on. And that's perfect time for you to really stop and say, okay, where's progress happening in other areas? Especially if it lingers beyond just a couple of weeks or you don't see a lot of change or growth, that's kind of where you hang your hat or stop, pause, right. And really look at the big picture. What's happening developmentally across the board. So that's another big thing. I think that a lot of specialists, right, pediatricians, school based people, don't really understand what a plateau is. And I think it's really important that you and I, we don't normalize that, that progress is essential. There's so much going on, and we'll talk about what this sheet here is, but there's so much going on across the board that a child shouldn't really be plateauing at all. Some things do take a backseat, like I said, once in a while, but that's not typical. Your child is always communicating something, and it's either through his or her actions or inactions. If things start to linger, that's telling you something, right? If something has stalled in growth and progress, then he's telling you, he's giving you a message that things are wiring up. And that's really important that we understand and we don't want to panic. It doesn't mean that you all of a sudden start calling people and panicking and thinking the worst? No, what it means is that you take a moment, right, and get curious and say, what's going on? And you can ask these questions because this is what I've always asked families. The first thing they typically call. We spend a good hour or on the phone consulting. Where are you now? And these are the first questions that I start to ask. Has anything changed at home? Do you have a new job? Is dad traveling more? Did you get move into a new house? Did they move from, you know, sharing your sleeping quarters to a big boy's bed? Are there other changes in his daily routine, perhaps? Grandma used to be around for a long time and she moved away, or now she's in the house and I have these two women figures and I don't know who's boss. Those are all changes within his daily life and his home environment that he can't express to you. But it's causing some kind of stress or dysregulation with him. That's a very important question. The other questions could include, is he getting consistent sleep? Are his sleep patterns different or are my sleep patterns different? And here's a very special one that's hard to answer because it's so personal and so sensitive. Is his screen time increasing? Right. Am I relying on it? Maybe I did get a new job or maybe my husband is traveling and so I'm relying on screen time more often to help out, and that is dysregulating his behavior. And we're going to talk more about that in future episodes. You can also ask yourself, is it a new season? Am I not getting enough outdoor fresh air, sunshine opportunities? Is there enough time in my day to really find quiet time or just quiet play time? Are there enough moments in the day or am I just being rushed around? Right. Is there room for him or her to experience boredom and learn how to play on their own? All of these questions are very, very typical questions that I would ask a parent if they called my office. You ask yourself these questions. And I remember back to being bored or learning how to daydream. I remember as a child that we would, you know, take trips to the beach or to the park or go see Uncle Bobby. And I remember sitting in the backseat and just watching the world float by in the car, daydreaming. And then when we had our daughter, I remember watching her through the rear view mirror do the same thing. Because we never permitted any device in the car with her so she could look at books she could play, or she could just look out the window and daydream. Learn how to be quiet for a couple moments. Right. Or 20 minutes. Right. And let me share a little as, as I was putting this material together, I wanted to share a little story that my 35 plus years in working in this industry kind of gives me a special insight because I remember exactly in 1998 when the first minivan came out with screens in the back seats for kids and you still had to use headphones and cassettes or CDs, but it was designed for our kids to watch a show and no longer daydream, no longer practice boredom. And I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, saying, oh dear, this is going to change everything. This is not a good thing. And the mom who first was excited about it and shared it with me, a woman that I had been working with, she had five kids. I know I worked with two of them. One just a classic speech and articulation. The other child had what we would call a language processing. Right. She was a slow language processor. But both kids did remarkably well because she was really in it. And we had long, extensive talks about how this could be harmful. And so she tried her best. She, you know, found what worked in her family, but that they would only do it if there was more than a 30 minute car ride or something like that. So she learned right away to place some limits on it, some boundaries. Right. I just wanted to share that. That's my perspective. You know, my daughter was born in 2000. We never had any kind of screen or device in the car, never allowed it at the dinner table, all of those things. So as we move forward and we talk about how do we set parameters, boundaries, how do we use these things? But I wanted to dig deeper in this. And so I confirmed my memory because I knew it was mid to late 90s and I was there in Pasadena, but I googled it. When were the first minivans with, with a device in the backseat and it was the Oldsmobile. And they actually went in partnership with Blockbusters. And perhaps you're too young to recall or know what Blockbusters was, but it was a company that we actually a storefront company that you had to go there to rent DVDs or CDs for movies. But they went in together with Oldsmobile to create this, this product in your vehicle. And you know, it sold more vehicles for sure, just like the cup holder did. Right. So they benefited, they got lots of money. But the flip side to that was our kids started the beginnings of getting addicted to screen time. And I know that there are times that we have to use it and we can talk about that in the future. But what I'm saying is it hasn't been around that long that we could see the difference. I can see the difference from my perspective, from the 1990s to the early 2000s to today, right. And my age and experience gives me that perspective. What's really important is that we begin to look at how our daily habits can either stimulate and support growth or they can really disrupt it. And like I said, I'll be diving specifically into screen times. But I want us to always be evaluating what's different, what's going on, what's my daily routine like? Because here's the good news, and I think it's really good news. Research shows us that parents who have more information about the milestones and are on it are much more likely to be proactive and to stay ahead of their child's development and know where they are today and where they're striving. And so therefore, those parents who are better informed about the milestones typically have or are less likely to have their kids fall behind and create those gaps. And so the truth is there's power behind you becoming or enhancing your proactive parenting skills, right? And so what do I mean by proactive? I think maybe a year, year and a half ago, I talked a lot about being proactive, but it means really be present in your child's day to day world. And it means honestly to show up with intention or with purpose, right? Even in those ordinary moments. And it also means being playful, right? Being engaging, being light hearted and curious. Because you and I both know that babies learn through our interactions. And I've referred in other episodes about what I've kind of coined as my three P's right to be present and purposeful and playful. And if you can ask yourself at the end of each day, you know, did I tap into those, not 24 7, but did I give enough room, enough space in our flow of our day to really be those three Ps right, purposeful in my interactions? And well, first of all, present, right, you have to put the phone down or turn off the back noise, background noise, and be in it with them. And so I think if we're open, we can create this home environment that really is conducive to learning through everyday experiences. And we don't need to add more pressure or the idea that we have to have these special sessions, play sessions, right? It's really being intentional through everyday moments. And so let me give you a relatable example. And I thought about this as I was putting this information together. But let's say any one of us, you want to make 2025 a healthier year for you, maybe lose a few pounds or gain some more energy so you can do all the things that you want to do with this beautiful family of yours. Would it make sense to go to the gym once a week for even 90 minutes and work out intensely? Right. Do some weights, do some cardio, do some breath, work, whatever you're into. Would it make sense to do that once a week for a big session and expect big changes or long term positive growth? I don't think so. Not one workout session a week out of seven days. Right? We know that health improves through our everyday choices, that it's a little bit across the board. So we would look at, okay, can I eat more whole foods and less processed junk? Am I drinking enough water? Can I up that? Can I choose to take the stairs and not the escalator? Can I quit alcohol for 30 days? Am I getting seven or eight hours of sleep every day? Am I open to building smoother morning routines and smoother evening and bedtime routines for everybody in my family? Am I getting enough outdoor fresh air and true sunshine, get that natural vitamin D? Am I sitting down and slowing meals as a family? Right. Slowing that, that whole rhythm together, all of those things together would build a healthier lifestyle and help impact my physical health and well being. Right? Maybe I could lose a few pounds just by getting out and walking and eating whole foods like I said, and drinking, dropping the alcohol and going to bed on time and, you know, not spiking my cortisol by rushing around in the mornings. All of these variables add up to big healthy changes. Well, the same principles apply to your child's development too. So one big, huge, amazing therapy session a week isn't going to be magical. It's not going to be, you know, the silver bullet. No matter how good, and I've shared this with you before, no matter how good of a therapist I thought I was or I strived to be, if moms and dads and families didn't work with me the other, you know, six and a half days of the week, progress was not seen. So when you as a parent build in small daily habits of connection and communication, movement and play, that's where transformation happens. It's not in these big therapeutic events. And I know that a lot of parents throughout the years, but I see it now on social media. Oh, I'm on a waiting list. We're going to get an evaluation in six weeks and then things will start to change. That's not really how it happens. The best growth and health moving forward comes from you on a daily basis at home. And here's the best part. You don't need a degree in child development, a PhD or a master's degree or any of that. You need some guidance. Because nobody is really born knowing how to raise another human. Right? That's not natural. I think our love and our commitment and all of that, that's innate in us. But we need some guidance. You need some confidence building and a willingness to show up, to be present, to be purposeful and to be playful. And that's how we keep them moving forward. Right? You're already on the right track just by listening to me today, just by showing up and saying, okay, what tidbit can Erin share with me and how can I think about that and apply it in my daily life? So I want all of us to think about the simple framework that we could observe and then support and then ask. And that's again what a good therapist does. I observe the child, I try to support and see how they respond to that. And then I ask additional questions. How can we move forward? Or do I have some unknowns that I have to clear up? And those simple three word phrase or framework can really help you kind of sink into being the guide and being the leader, being the primary facilitator of your child's growth and learning and development. To observe, right? To pay attention. What's going on with my baby or what's not going on, right? And we can use these milestones to help prompt some of those questions, right? It's not a test, like I said, it's a guidebook. And then support again, based on some of these. Offer home activities, use your own words to engage them. Play in purposeful play activities as well as when you're getting dressed, be playful. When you're washing the hands, be playful. When you're putting the dishes away, be playful. Because all of these gentle nudges are going to move them forward. And again, it's not that you have to sit down and have these purposeful play activities. Yes, that is nice to do, but it shouldn't make up your whole day. And then you start asking because now you have a lot more data, right? You understand what their play skills are like and you understand where their motor skills are like and you understand where their speech and language and listening skills and chewing skills, and then you compare it to what the expectations are. So if you're still unsure after all of that, or if you feel in your gut that something might be off or that you might be missing something, that's when you reach out and ask. You know, you can ask me, of course, reach out to me, email me, DM me. You could ask your mom, your sister, your friend, other women that have been in the same boat, but maybe three years before you. Right? You could Google. It's not always the best, but at least you can get the information out there. You know you're going to be overwhelmed, but I don't want you to be overwhelmed. Right? So if you're really unsure, then call an SLP office, right? A speech language pathology office. I spoke to anybody that called my office all the time, and nine times out of ten, they would then come in for an evaluation. But not always. Or I would say, do these things for the next 30 days. If you don't see the needle moving forward, then call me back. You can call your pediatrician, but they're just going to check the stuff. And then they will refer you out to a speech language pathologist or an occupational therapist. But the key here is to trust your gut. You know your child better than anyone, and you might not know all the lingo here and the jargon and all of that, but you know your child. So let me give you a quick picture of perhaps what, taking everyday events and turning them into a learning moment, right? Say you're sitting on the floor with your baby and she keeps dropping. You know, here I have video, but if you're just listening to the audio, I have a little chew toy in my hand. And she would drop the chew toy, right? You could be on your phone and be kind of disengaged, and she's figuring out, oh, and then she gets disengaged. Or if she keeps dropping it, then you could look at her because that's a social game in the making. You could smile at her, say, oh, you dropped fell down. And you pick it up and you give it to her again. And then she repeats that process. Oh, you dropped it, and you hand it to her again. That's a human interaction. You're teaching her how to interact. And that's brain building. That's progress. And perhaps the next time she'll join in and say, oh, or just even oh. Maybe not move the lips or the jaw, but she wiggles her voice, right? Uh oh. Those are two vowels that just go up and down in the back of your throat. That's easy to make, easy to imitate. So the key here is that I know and you know that you've got this. But there are questions, uncertainty, right. And a sense of overwhelm. I know it feels overwhelming most days, especially if you do start Googling and you see charts after charts and apps and social media noise, it's a lot of racket. And I say this to a lot of parents. You don't have to know everything. I don't know everything at the tip of my fingers all the time. I reference a lot. And so if you go to your pediatrician and they'll pull out a little checklist for say she's 6 months or 12 months and so focus in on that age range, right? And so let me just show you if you're on video here or if you're on YouTube, you'll see this whole thing goes from birth three months all the way to seven years. And it crosses those domains. Like I said on this one. This is speech and language development. It's by Pro Ed. I used to hand these out to my families when they started working with me. And so I am building my own so then I can share that with you all. You can, you could Google on CDC or any state will have developmental milestones for you, but they're very cursory. These tend to be a little bit more subtle or nuanced and that's really important. But I don't want you to say, oh my gosh, I have to study and memorize all this. I want you to say, okay, she just turned six months. Let's look at this bracket here. And by the time, this is six to nine months. By the time she's hitting the nine month mark, I'm working toward those. Or I could see how they build on each other. And that's the key point here, is that you don't have to know each and every step along the way. It is, it's a process and you are really learning on the job. And so don't be afraid to look things up or to ask questions, right? And I can meet with a 16 month old or 24 month old and I can look at the gestalt of them, right? Are they walking, I watch them walk into my office and how they handle their body, the right side and the left side or are they clinging to mom, right? But to really analyze and tease apart the fine minutia, I look at charts, I look at comprehensive questionnaires and so always go back that you are learning on the job, and that's okay. That's what your role is. I'm still learning on the job. And I've shared this with parents over the years, too. We call it a private practice because I'm still practicing. I'm learning. What was relevant 20 years ago might not be as relevant, or I hopefully am more skilled now than I was 20 years ago. So if you find yourself needing advice, that's cool. That's exactly what you need to do. If you're asking questions, that's powerful because you're in it, right? You're open to learning. And if you're showing up, that's exactly what your baby, your toddler, needs more than anything else. To show up and to learn how they tick. Right. And how best to be in it with them. And I want in acknowledging that you're not behind. Right? You're in it with them whether they're nine months or 18 months, and you're right where they need to be. So it's important just to give yourself that freedom to kind of breathe and say, wow, look how far we've come. I went through the pregnancy. I delivered a healthy baby. We're nine months in. A lot has happened with me too. Right. And I'm here to help you every step of the way. Reach out to me any way. Email. Like I said, dm. And if you know another mama that could benefit from hearing this, please share. And I really appreciate your time. I appreciate your willingness to show up, to ask questions, to seek guidance, so then you can be the best version of yourself as all of you, you know, your family, husband, partner, other children, walk this journey together. So take care and I'll see you in the next episode.