When Screens Take Over: Why It Feels So Hard to Say No (and Why It Matters) Ep 106 - Talking Toddlers

Detailed Summary of “When Screens Take Over: Why It Feels So Hard to Say No (and Why It Matters)” – Episode 106 of Talking Toddlers

Introduction: Navigating the Screen Time Dilemma

In Episode 106 of Talking Toddlers, Erin Hyer delves into the pervasive issue of screen time in young children. Titled “When Screens Take Over: Why It Feels So Hard to Say No (and Why It Matters)”, Erin addresses the complexities parents face in an increasingly digital world. She emphasizes the importance of understanding the broader implications of screen exposure on toddlers' development and provides actionable strategies to foster healthy habits.

1. The Modern Parenthood Challenge: Screens and Beyond

Erin opens the episode by acknowledging the common struggles parents face today, particularly regarding screen time. She states, “Are you constantly wondering how much screen time is too much? Or maybe you've thought, I know this isn't ideal, but I just need a break. You're not alone” (00:00). This introduction sets the stage for a candid discussion about the normalization of screens in children's lives and the emotional toll it takes on parents attempting to set boundaries.

2. Understanding the Bigger Picture: Insights from Jonathan Haidt

Drawing from Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation, Erin explores the correlation between increased screen time and rising anxiety, depression, and developmental delays in children. She highlights Haidt’s concept of “play deficit,” where modern childhood activities have shifted indoors and online, depriving children of essential real-world play. Erin encourages parents to proactively shape their children’s environments, stating, “You don't have to wait until there's a problem. This is your moment” (00:02).

3. The Critical Role of Real Play and Human Connection

Erin emphasizes that toddlers’ brains are still developing and require movement, interaction, and sensory input to thrive. She explains, “Language development relies on reciprocity, a feedback loop. Your baby babbles, you respond, they babble again. You respond” (00:28). This bidirectional interaction is crucial for building vocabulary, emotional regulation, and social skills—elements that passive screen time cannot provide.

4. The Detrimental Effects of Screen Time on Development

Highlighting the negative impacts, Erin points out that even minimal screen exposure can displace vital real-life experiences. She argues, “Screens offer the illusion of peace, but real peace comes from growing a child's inner capacity to cope, to wait, to connect” (00:35). She underscores that screens create a one-way input system, disrupting the necessary two-way interactions that facilitate healthy brain wiring.

5. Practical Strategies to Reduce Screen Dependency

Erin offers practical advice for parents struggling to limit screen time. She shares a story of a mother dealing with her three-year-old’s tantrums, illustrating how consistent, real-world interactions can reduce reliance on screens. Erin explains, “It took time. It took patience. And mom had to really structure and practice… it usually takes three to five times” (00:50). This example underscores the importance of persistence and structured practice in changing a child’s habits.

6. Building Resilience Through Real-Life Experiences

Resilience, according to Erin, is built through facing and overcoming real-life challenges, not through the passive consumption of digital content. She states, “Resilience doesn't come from lectures, right? It comes from doing hard things and figuring out what you can survive through them” (01:10). By allowing children to navigate boredom and frustration without screens, parents help them develop critical coping mechanisms and emotional strength.

7. The Impact on Parental Attention and Safety

Erin highlights the broader societal implications of screen dependency, including reduced parental attention and increased safety risks. She notes, “When we introduce screens to our kids… every time we hand a device to avoid a meltdown or get a break, we're missing the opportunity for your child to actually develop tolerance for frustration” (00:43). Additionally, she warns of hazards like distracted parents causing accidents, reinforcing the need for mindful screen management.

8. Introducing the “Tiny Challenge”

To support parents in making sustainable changes, Erin introduces the “Tiny Challenge.” This initiative invites parents to engage in a five-day, one-on-one experience to address specific concerns around screen time and other parenting challenges. She explains, “In just a few days, in five, that's why it's called a Tiny Challenge, you can begin to feel clearer, more confident” (01:25). This program aims to provide personalized strategies and foster a sense of community among parents striving for healthier family dynamics.

9. Looking Ahead: Upcoming Episodes and Practical Guidance

Erin outlines the structure of the three-part series on screen time. The current episode focuses on the overarching impact of screens, while the next parts will delve into establishing healthy boundaries and alternative activities to promote connection and play. She emphasizes the importance of intentional parenting, stating, “You need intention. You need a plan. You need your presence. And you need the truth” (01:50).

10. Empowering Parents to Make Informed Decisions

Throughout the episode, Erin reinforces that parents hold the power to shape their children’s developmental trajectories. By choosing to limit screen time and prioritize real-world interactions, parents can cultivate a nurturing environment that supports their children's emotional and cognitive growth. She concludes with an empowering message: “You're in the best position to set the stage for your child's health, language, behavior and relationships” (00:10).

Conclusion: Taking Action for a Healthier Childhood

Erin Hyer’s Episode 106 of Talking Toddlers offers a comprehensive exploration of the challenges and solutions surrounding screen time in early childhood. By blending expert insights, practical strategies, and empathetic narratives, Erin equips parents with the knowledge and tools necessary to make informed decisions that prioritize their children’s holistic development. The introduction of the “Tiny Challenge” serves as a call to action, encouraging parents to take small, meaningful steps toward fostering resilient, emotionally healthy toddlers.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

“Are you constantly wondering how much screen time is too much? Or maybe you've thought, I know this isn't ideal, but I just need a break. You're not alone.” (00:00)
“When you rush in with a screen every time things get a little prickly, every time they cry or complain… we're teaching the opposite of resilience.” (01:05)
“Resilience doesn't come from lectures, right? It comes from doing hard things and figuring out what you can survive through them.” (01:10)
“You need intention. You need a plan. You need your presence. And you need the truth.” (01:50)

Final Thoughts

Erin Hyer effectively brings to light the intricate relationship between screen time and child development, providing parents with both the awareness and the actionable steps needed to foster a healthier, more connected upbringing for their toddlers. This episode serves as a crucial resource for any parent navigating the digital landscape in today’s parenting journey.

Transcript

Erin (0:00)

Learning how to wait your turn, that's a challenge. Learning how to share toys, that's a challenge. Falling down and getting back up, challenging. That's not a flaw in development. It is development. That's exactly what we're designed to do. But when we rush in. Hello, and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's voc vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction. To never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. Are you constantly wondering how much screen time is too much? Or maybe you've thought, I know this isn't ideal, but I just need a break. You're not alone. Most moms today are asking the same questions. Screens have become so common, so accepted, that questioning their role in our toddlers lives can feel almost radical. But here's the thing. If it feels hard to say no to screens, that's not a failure on your part. That's a sign that something bigger is going on. In this first episode of our Screen Time miniseries, I want to help you see the full picture, because this isn't just about screen times. It's about what kind of childhood you're creating in a culture that profits off of distraction. And as a mom, you're faced with hard decisions every single day around food, play, sleep, tech, and a whole litany of more topics. And we cover a lot of those here on this podcast. So let's be honest. We're all raising kids in a toxic modern environment that is not child friendly. The powers that be are strong, dubious, and unrelenting. But you are not powerless, mom. They need you to stand firm. That's exactly what Jonathan Haidt dives into in his new book, the Anxious Generation. And here I have a copy. When you get a chance, take a look at it. He lays out the data behind the epidemic of rising anxiety and depression and, yes, developmental delays in children, because screens play a major role across the board and across the ages. But here's what I want you to hear very clearly. You don't have to wait until there's a problem. This is your moment. These early years are when patterns are formed, when your child's Brain is developing and it's when habits actually take root. And that's what we talk a lot about here, that your developing this beautiful child neurologically, physiologically, emotionally. It's hard now, yes, I know you're in the thick of it, but it will be so much harder later if you ignore it. I assure you this isn't about guilt or shame. That is the last place I'm ever going to go. This is about truth. It's about clarity and is about building courageous steps. You're in the best position to set the stage for your child's health, language, behavior and relationships. And that starts with how we handle screens. So let's just dive in. Welcome back to Talking Toddlers. I'm Erin, your host and whether this is your first episode or your 50th, I'm truly glad that you're here. And I've been working with families for more than 35 years as a speech language patholog, an early interventionist, a mom, and now a passionate advocate for prevention. And here's something I want every parent to walk away with. The screen time crises didn't start with TikTok. It started with toddlers sitting in high chairs watching cartoons while mom tried to get dinner on the table. This is part one of a new three part series, how to navigate screen time in these early years, infancy up through age five. Typically, I stay focused in those first three years. You know it. But this is so important. We have to expand because preschool is critical. Today we're zooming out to look at the big picture with help from Jonathan Haidt's powerful book, like I mentioned, the Anxious Generation. And if you've heard people say, oh, kids today are more anxious, they're distracted, they're dysregulated, more than ever before in history, they're not wrong. But here's the thing we all need to talk about. Where does that start? And yes, the whole lockdown and pandemic and schools at home and home at schools, all of that has become very, very mucky. So today let's just kind of walk. Where are we today? Where are we wanting to go? And how do we build the life that we need and want? So Haidt, in his book the Anxious Generation, makes a strong case that modern childhood has moved indoors, online and disconnected from real life. He actually has a term for it and he calls it play deficit. Now, if you've been here ever before, you'll know that this is what resonates with me. I do believe that there's a play deficit and I spend so much time in encouraging, teaching, modeling, shaping moms, dads, even grandparents of how best to play and engage with your little ones. So think about your average toddler. Their entire brain is still under construction. I've shared that phrase with you over and over again, but it's the truth that development happens through movement, interaction and sensory input. So that means that they require, in order to build that brain and blossom into the person that they're meant to be, that they need to reach out and touch and climb and explore and connect in order to wire those systems that then build that human body, right? Building the physical components of balance and coordination and then the emotional regulation and the cognition and the language. All of this is built through movement, engagement, trial and error, interfacing with this three dimensional world. But here's the thing, when screens take over, even in small doses, so just hear me out here, they push out real experiences. Here's a couple of things, and I know some of you are going to be stunned, but a one year old doesn't need Baby Einstein. A two year old doesn't need Ms. Rachel. I know, I know. Don't click off. This is real business. This is important to hear and I just want you to continue to listen with an open mind and open heart and I'll justify my reasoning behind all of this. But your preschooler doesn't need an iPad at the grocery store just to keep him quiet either. So let's keep all of these things in the forefront so we can walk through this together. What they need, and I know many of you understand this, but I want you to embrace it and live it. What they need is you. Your face, your voice, your time. And you're thinking, wow, that's a lot. And I don't know if I have enough to give. You will build the rhythm. You will find your flow in each and every day at all of these stages. Three months, six months, one year, two year, three year and beyond. That's how their brains and their relationships are built. We talk about this a lot here. And I'm now shining the light on how screenshots, all devices, I'm talking about all of them, complicate their growth and well being. And I get it. I'm not pointing fingers. It's hard to get anything done when you have a toddler or two or three all under your feet. But every time we hand a device to avoid a meltdown or get a break, we're missing the opportunity for your child to actually develop tolerance for frustration, to build engagement with his immediate world or to actually help him solve problems using his own brain. That's what a device interrupts. So when Haidt says real world play matters, I'm here to tell you it starts now. Not at kindergarten, not when they're ready, but from birth. You might hear a lot of people push back. Well, there was panic with families got their first television and we all survived. We did just fine. I hear that a lot. And yes, it's true. Tv, the family TV changed our family life. And we can look back at the 50s, the 60s, 70s and even up through the 80s and 90s. But let's be clear, we have never ever faced anything like this before in human history. The television sat in the corner of a room. It had a clear on off switch. There were limits built in, pauses, no on demand shows, and parents were still very, very much in charge. Then came the infamous handheld portable, always on screens. Suddenly it wasn't just watching, it was scrolling, swiping, getting rewarded, getting hooked and the dopamine loops. You know how that feels. We've all been there. And so I'm taking what we know as grownups that we can kind of joke that we binge watch and that we get addicted to cat video. Been there, I get it. But I'm looking at your baby and your toddler and your preschooler that, that beautiful brain that is just beginning to literally come online, no pun intended there. But think about it, that's not an accident. It's all by design to get each and every one of us addicted. And so it isn't just about more screen time, it's about a full on play deficit, like Jonathan Haidt calls it. I love that phrase. Real play, real movement, real human connection. That's what I talk about here. All of that has been displaced when we introduce screens to our kids. And childhood is really suffering as a result. We can see it. And so mom, here's what I want you to hear loud and clear. You don't have to choose between raising a tech savvy child and protecting their development. You can have the best of both worlds, but it takes awareness, diligence, courage and clarity. You have to have a plan. You have to walk into this arena with some kind of strategy. And so that's what we're going to cover here in this series. Because I want you to at least be introduced to this information and the possibility of what you can create. And then you decide, right? It's full autonomy. I share my opinions, my experience, my research and bring it to the table. And then you as A mother as a father and grandparents and family, you get to decide what's best for you. So back to his book. Haidt spends a lot of time discussing the impact of smartphones and social media on teen mental health. And yes, the data is staggering. So again, I highly recommend you to look at this. And I'm sure he's on YouTube doing his tour for the book and you can get a good glimpse of what he's, he's going to cover. But as someone like me who's worked with hundreds and hundreds of very young children, I want to highlight what I see before middle school that those toddlers who barely make eye contact, there's a lot of different reasons why they're not connecting with us. And screen time is a big piece of it. Whether you think they're, they're on track or not on track. Having and holding and understanding eye contact, connecting with other humans in their environment, that is pivotal to health and learning. The 2 year old with fewer than 20 words, why is he in front of a screen all the time? We have to look at that. One of the first things I always ask a family is tell me about his play. Tell me about a sleep. Right? Because screen times interfere with sleep time as well. And then when we look at preschoolers who can swipe a screen but they can't listen and follow simple two step directions, we're in trouble there and we have to peel back each and every layer and we have to look at the entire environment. Right. Like I always say here, nutrition and sleep and, and his interaction time, his playtime, can he play by himself and entertain all of these things? Poor eye contact, slow speech and language, difficulty following directions or tolerating a story or engaging, you know, with other peers, guess what they all have in common? Typically passive screen exposure, often starting in infancy. And that's the key word there. It's passive. When you engage with your little one, it's real time. It's three dimension. They get to have input and respond and you get to have input and respond in real human connection time. We used to think that having the background TV was just harmless. Now we know it literally competes with parent talk and interactions, reducing the number of words a child can hear in any given day by 90%. So if we just simply have a TV on the background or turned on in the background, that noise, it reduces everybody's connection. But when you're home alone, or your nanny or your babysitter or your grandparent or whomever is helping raise this beautiful child, turn that off and we used to hand a phone to a toddler in a shopping cart and think it's harmless, it's just now for a few minutes. But those moments stack up day after day, month after month, and they add up to something much more serious. That's that understimulation of key brain systems. Because here's the science, and I talk a lot about this here, but I just want to paint this picture. Language development relies on reciprocity, a feedback loop. Your baby babbles, you respond, they babble again. You respond, whether it's verbal or nonverbal, with a smile, or you imitate them, or you give them a wink, or you even kiss their belly. The whole give and take, when they vocalize, you respond. That's that back and forth. That's what builds pre vocabulary and vocabulary. That's what builds attention and the precursors to turn, taking. It also builds emotional security. Screens break that cyclical loop. They create a one way input system, right, A one way input system instead of what we as humans need, a two way interaction. And a lot of this is kind of common sense, I get that. But I again want to paint this picture and put it all together. So when you decide each and every day how you're going to carve up your time, you'll have this information to help you make the best, healthiest choices. And here's the key, because sometimes we forget to turn the page over. It's not just your child's screen distracting parents or babysitters or teachers or grownups of any sort when we're on our phone that interrupts the same feedback loop. There's a disconnect. I call it like these micro disconnections. And I remember studies coming out in the bigger cities, the metropolitan areas, New York City and Boston, because I've lived on the east coast for a long time now. But the number of emergency visits, by accidents, by someone pushing a baby on a stroller, but they're looking at their phone, they bump into a tree, or they fall off the curb, or they twist their ankle because they're not paying attention. And I remember reading article after article about this, thinking that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. But then you go to these cities and you look around and we get caught doing it too. So no, it's not about banning all devices or being a perfect parent. I'm not saying that. It's really, really important that we make some kind of choice that we need to recognize screens, rewire early development. It, it actually wires early development poorly. It doesn't even rewire it because they're so ripe, they're sore, they're so open and ready to absorb whatever interaction that you give them. Right? That's that neuroplasticity that the brain will wire and rewire itself based on its experience. So before most parents even realize what's happening, you're building that system to want that dopamine hit based on a simple little screen. So I just want to take a quick minute here if this episode, this topic has got you thinking, wow, I didn't realize how much screen time could shape my child's development, but you're kind of unsure where to begin. I've got something that I'm introducing brand new today. It's called the Tiny Challenge. It's a simple one to one experience where you and I get together and tackle one specific concern or question you have around any topic. But screen time is a great place to start. It could be about routines or your toddler's day to day life. And so in just a few days, in five, that's why it's called a Tiny Challenge, you can begin to feel clearer, more confident, and really much more connected to what you're doing, what parenting choices you're making, and how this is affecting your day to day life and your toddler's success. Check in the show notes down below. We can start one small step at a time and you can make a big difference. So it's called the Tiny Challenge for Moms. Let's think about what can we do in five days together? Now we'll just jump back into the topic of this big picture with how screens are impacting your precious babies, toddlers and preschoolers. It's also impacting you and me and anybody in between. So let's jump back into today's introduction to this three part series. So one of the key elements that I got from the Anxious Generation book was that resilience doesn't come from lectures, right? It comes from doing hard things and figuring out what you that you can survive through them, right? That real life struggle builds resilience. And again, this isn't really new science or new information. We know that 8020 rule, right? That we need a lot of repetition 80% of the time to master something, to become more fluent, to build that automaticity. And then we need a challenge. So if you think about toddlerhood, it's all full of struggles and challenges. Everything's new to them, right? Learning how to wait your turn, that's a challenge. Learning how to share toys that's a challenge. Falling down and getting back up, challenging. That's not a flaw in development. It is development. That's exactly what we're designed to do. But when we rush in with a screen every time things get a little prickly, every time they cry or complain or worse yet, quote, unquote, get bored, we're teaching the opposite of resilience. We're teaching them escapism, right? We're literally teaching them how to escape, how to disengage. Now, please, I know no one means to do this. I do, I know it. But it's happening over and over and over again. And I've had the experience to look at how kids were raised in the 80s and the 90s. And then when the smartphone, quote, unquote, smartphone came along in 2006, 2007, and even though that there were a lot of other handheld devices, it was still a little cumbersome, right when you had an iPad or you had a kid pad, right, they had these special devices to put on the train or the plane or the car or whatever, travel. And I got all of that. But as soon as that smartphone went into your back pocket or your handbag, it was easy access 24, 7. So I just want to help parents see how small moments like getting a toddler comfortable with boredom and giving them time to figure out something to do, actually builds internal strength. Screens offer the illusion of peace, but real peace comes from growing a child's inner capacity to cope, to wait, to connect, to recover, to share, to explore. Resilience is built through real life, not pixels. And I think I even got that out of his book. But I thought, oh, that was brilliant. And here's a quick story. A mom that I worked with had a three year old and I think she even had a newborn who would, when I first met them, come in screaming every time. And she would say, you know, I just can't take it anymore. I have to give her some kind of, you know, screen in the car because once I buckle her in, she just has an emotional meltdown. And it, you know, started with a five minute car ride and just to quiet him down. But it doesn't take long. Takes that less than a handful of times that he or she, that toddler, that baby even expects it. And so when I kind of walked her through some steps that we could pull back and teach her, help her learn how to tolerate being in the car with perhaps a toy or a book, or better yet, just look out the window. It took time. It took patience. And mom had to really structure and practice, go around the block twice. So the child could then reduce the tantrums and the screaming and then they could just jump in the car. It usually takes three to five times. That's usually the benchmark that you can really change a young child's habit or expectation in just a handful of quote unquote practice trials. Right. But I've done this numerous times. And the flip side, and this is again a different conversation, is the screens, but also the snacks. I am not a snack person. I don't like eating in the car or any of those kinds of things. But I also think that that has become a really, really common habit. And so we can look at both of those habits or behaviors in the car, especially as something that you, mom, you, dad and grandparents have a choice and that you can reshape that if you so choose. Right. But the other side to, you know, back to this little three year old and a lot of other families, I said that's a great time in the car to sing songs, to ask question, to play a lot of little kid games. I know I did this over and over and over again with my daughter. It's also when you stop at a stoplight to take notice of things around you, it's situational awareness. There's so much that can be used in that car time. And we'll talk about specifics in future episodes, but I just wanted to really highlight zoning in on how we can build more resilience and help little kids really learn how to expand that muscle. So I know that parenting today is no joke. And again, I've watched it from the 80s on up and then compare it to my childhood. Every decade there's a whole new list that we have to face that we have to figure out. And so it's not about perfection. I'm here to really focus in on how can we prevent issues snowballing into behavioral challenges, learning issues, family struggles. Right. Life is complicated enough. We don't want to add layer upon layer of additional challenges and power struggles. And there's a lot of noise everywhere, advice from Instagrammers and pressure from other family members. And the fatigue is real. Very, very real and heavy. I get it. I see it with all of my families. No matter where you live or how many kids you have, it's exhausting. And so I want to encourage each and every one of you to stop chasing perfection or unrealistic expectations and to start really stepping in and choosing prevention. What if instead of asking, am I doing this right? You ask Is this helping my child build a strong foundation? What if you believe that your presence, imperfect but real, your company, your companionship is exactly what your toddler needs? Because that's what I believe. That's what 35 plus years on the floor, working, playing, engaging with little ones and their families, study and study and reading and reading, trial and error. That's what I have learned. That's, that's the primary thing that I take from all of that, that your presence. I've shared this before in the past and I've had a couple of good friends over the years that I ended up working with their kids in therapy. And this one guy said to me once, it's not that therapy is all that technical or even magical, right? There's nothing really. It's not like I'm doing a surgery or it's not like I'm even doing stitches on a human body. I'm playing, I'm engaging with a child. But what works in a therapy clinical setting is that I bring a child in a little playroom, right? It's usually small, uncluttered, I've pre selected toys that he or she likes, right? Her high interest things. And I'm in it with them for 45 minutes. I play with them, I talk with them, I respond to them, I get them to want to be in it with me. And that's why therapy works. And yes, I know the nuances. I know if a child really isn't making too many different sounds, then we're going to want to step back. I'm not going to overreach and expect him to imitate real words. I'm going to make it simple, right? Play with animal sounds, environmental sounds. I know how to navigate those elements better than say, you know, the average adult out there. But the truth is it's really working because they know they have my undivided attention for 45 minutes, that this is special time for them and they step into it. They rise to the occasion. That's why therapy works. So just to move on to what's next in this series, in Part two, we're going to get a little more practical. What are healthy screen time boundaries in those early years? And how do we say no when everybody else in your world is saying yes? And what's realistic when you mom, most of the time are home all day with your toddler, sometimes you have two or three kids. And then as we move into part three, I'm going to walk through what we do instead of screens because that's the biggie, right? How do we build a home filled with play and purpose, connection? Even in those hard moments? I want you to think about this going forward. You're in the middle of it. You're just stepping into this decision making. You get to choose. Talk it over with your partner, talk it over with other family members. Ask your friends. You can be in it together. You don't need a screen to raise a smart, strong, emotionally curious and healthy little kid. You need intention. You need a plan. You need your presence. And you need the truth. And here I'm trying to give all of those to you. I know this episode might feel like a tough love talk, but you're here and that means that you care deeply. And so, once again, if you're thinking, I want to make a change, but I don't know how or if I could stick with it, then the tiny challenge I introduced earlier in this episode is your next best right step. You and I can work together one on one, identify the biggest screen time stressor in your home or any other big issue you might be facing, but one challenge at a time, and then we'll craft a simple, doable plan that works for you, your little one, your entire family. I've done this kind of work for decades, and now I'm bringing it straight to you, mom, right in your listening ear. Once again, the link is down below in the show notes. And just check it out. Tiny challenges. Because a tiny shift can really lead to big, big results. So thanks again for spending your precious time with me and I'll see you in the next talking toddlers. God bless. Take care.