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- [00:00]
Erin Heyer
Remember, you're building that attunement. They know how you're feeling. They don't understand it, but they feel your energy for sure. So we have to separate what's true understanding and conceptualizing from just picking up on our vibe. The understanding part will come later through a lot of consistent redirection and setting up those firm boundaries and helping them through trial and error.
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Podcast Host
Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where.
- [00:33]
Erin Heyer
I share more than just tips and.
- [00:35]
Podcast Host
Tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started.
- [01:11]
Erin Heyer
Let's take a couple of minutes before we dive into our main topic to answer a question from a listener. We can call it our Comment Corner and it can actually become part of our channel on a regular basis each week. So a couple of weeks ago, Anna left a great, great question as a comment on Spotify. She asked, I would love to hear your take suggestion ideas, all the things on raising bilingual kiddos. Will speech be delayed? How does it affect developmental milestones, discipline, etc. I absolutely love this podcast. Simple and actionable ways to help you be a better you for your little thank you. And first of all, thank you for commenting and asking such a great question, but also the kind words. I am so, so delighted to hear that you are finding it helpful and useful. And the whole key is simple and actionable. So online I responded by if the child is developing within the quote unquote average ranges, then raising a child bilingually is absolutely fine. Some suggest the number of vocabulary words may be decreased, but if you add both languages together, it's well within a healthy range. That being said, if there are developmental issues or concerns that you're holding, then two languages may be more taxing. However, it's a personal choice and I always encourage families to support both languages. I'd also just like to dive dive into that a little bit more. I have always said that when there are significant developmental delays, it may be best to focus on the primary language that your son or daughter will be quote unquote measured or tested in school. If they're going to a public or private school, if they're homeschooled, then that's a whole different story. But it truly is a personal choice and nowadays we really have to weigh all of the variables. I am currently coaching a young family and although there are minor speech delays, we feel that both his Spanish and English are important for the whole family dynamics and who he is culturally because both are prominent languages in his home life and they're very close to their extended family. So I'm encouraging this young family to really focus on both. Most of the time, kids are well within the average ranges. So let's embrace nature, the beautiful God given gift to acquire speech and language easily under the age of seven. So I hope that answers your question. It should not interfere with discipline or any of that. Again, it really depends on the context, whether he's at home with you during those first five or six years and then looking at if there are developmental issues or questions, then you might need to pick one over the other, unfortunately. But it's always a personal choice. So again, thank you Anna for commenting and I really, really delighted to hear that the information that I'm sharing resonates with you. It's my honor to serve. Thank you. And I'd like to encourage all of you to comment on YouTube now that I'm on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, wherever you're listening because that gives me good feedback. Is there something that you want to learn more about or for me to explore, perhaps? I haven't even touched upon it, so drop a comment. You can even email me@contactire learning. That's H Y E R my last name.com contactyearlearning.com I love hearing from you. I do hear from a lot of grandmas, so that's awesome. Odds are there are other people out there just like you wondering the same thing. So don't be shy. Ask away. Now it's time to jump into today's episode. You've seen it in the headlines. Goodbye gentle parenting, Hello f around and find out. But what does that actually mean for those of us raising toddlers today? Is the pendulum finally swinging back towards structure and common sense? That's what we're going to talk about today. So welcome back to Talking Toddlers. I'm Erin Heyer, a speech language pathologist and toddler specialist and mom with over 35 years of clinical experience supporting families just like yours. Here we go deeper than the Instagram tips and tricks. We talk about what actually works when it comes to raising strong, connected and confident children. Today's episode is an important one and it's tied to a larger conversation that I think every parent needs to hear. Back in February, I released a two part series called Gentle Parenting versus Reality. And I have to say, it struck a nerve. In that series, we broke down three parenting philosophies making the rounds online over the last several years. First, Dr. Becky's goods inside. Then Janet Lansbury's Respectful Parenting. And third, Sarah Ockwell's Smith, who started Gentle Parenting. Each of these women bring some helpful ideas to the table, especially when we look at emotional connection and respect. But I shared a few important truths when we talk about toddlers. First, toddlers don't have the emotional regulation skills that many of these approaches assume. They don't have the language comprehension either. But more importantly, Gentle Parent not meant to be permissive. And yet that's exactly how it's being interpreted on social media. I see it over and over and over again. And then third, parenting is not about finding a method. It's about knowing your child's development, where they are on this continuum, this journey of ours, and then responding with clarity, not confusion. Sometimes there's just way too much language involved and they're not ready to process, let alone understand that. And so I always go back to and I used to kind of make fun of this phrase, but it's so true. You, mama, are the expert of your child. The more time you spend together with him or her, the more you guys understand how to dance this family life, right? And how to proceed to the next chapter. Chapter and so now let's fast forward to this month when in the Wall Street Journal there was an article published that got a lot of attention and it was titled Goodbye Gentle Parenting. Hello F around and find out. And yes, that's a little bit edgy, I understand. But the article reveals something we've all been feeling. Many parents, you are burnt out. You've tried being endlessly patient. You've tried endlessly validating their feelings and endlessly accommodating each and every situation. But it's not working. I see it over and over again. Instead, I'm very happy to report that there is a shift happening and you guys feel it and know it. And it's toward what we're now referring to as the acronyms because everything has to have acronyms, right? But favo F A F O F around. Find out a new parenting at least style, right? It's not a method, but it's a style. So before you start rolling your eyes and saying this is another trend, but it's not about being Harsh. It's about letting real life do some of the teaching. And in this, I think this particular article gets a lot right. First of all, kids learn. We all, as humans learn through experience. Actions have outcomes, good, bad or indifferent. And natural consequences are often much more effective than a long lecture. A 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 don't need a long lecture. One example in the article says that a mom let her child go outside without a coat and it was pouring rain. What happens? They got wet. And the next time the child grabbed the coat without a battle, Lesson learned. Easy peasy. That's not punishment, that's parenting with calmness and wisdom. So we used to say, you know, you pick your battles. But nowadays, the last 10 years, it shifted to negotiating and talking and, and finding what's really beneath all of these feelings. Well, a 2, 3, 4, 5 year old have no idea what's beneath these feelings. So let me share a quick story from a small parenting group that I lead here in Florida. And it just happened a couple of weeks ago. And that's one reason why this particular article really hit home for me. I was demonstrating how 2 year olds often don't really understand the word no. And we had like three two year olds, a couple one year olds and a couple babies. But I was demonstrating in real time how they, they might respond but they don't really understand. And so now shoot forward. And the next week a mom came back looking at me, puzzled, and she said, erin, you said last week that toddlers don't understand. No. But my little guy, he looks right at me with almost a smirk as he keeps doing what he knows I don't want him to do, or at least he recognizes that I want him to not do that. Here's the key. That's exactly the point. See, toddlers may stop in mid movement right when we say no, especially if we use a firm tone or even a gentle block of our hand, you know, pull them back or take their foot if they're starting to crawl into a dangerous zone. But that doesn't mean that they understand. They don't understand how no means stop or the concept within the context. They're reacting to your tone, your energy, your body cues. Remember those first year, year and a half, you're building that attunement. They know how you're feeling. They don't understand it, but they feel your energy for sure. So we have to separate what's true understanding and conceptualizing from just picking up on our vibe that the understanding part will come later. Through a lot of Consistent redirection and setting up those firm boundaries and helping them through TR and error. And yes, it's a bit of training. And I know the word training can feel a little harsh with our little babies, but early parenting, that's what's involved. We train our toddlers to understand what's safe and what's not safe, what's allowed and what's off limits. That doesn't mean perfection, it means consistency. It means investing the time to guide, to redirect, reinforce all under this beautiful hug of love and appreciation. The truth is, even one year olds can learn what's touchable and what's off limits, what's fair game. If we put in the time to teach them the difference, they won't and don't understand why, but they quickly learn what is acceptable. That's how we build these habits and build understanding of safety and respect and trust that we gently remind them, no, don't touch that plant. And I tell you, in over three decades of doing this work, I have seen the same thing over and over again. Toddlers learn through soft guidance and repetition. They learn best through structure and they definitely learn through cause and effect. They don't need endless explanations. It goes over their head. They need you to be the adult in the room and to guide them of what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. And that's what the favo right f around and find out trend is really tapping into. A return to real world parenting. That's how I look at it. A parenting style that says I love you and because I love you, I'm not going to rescue you from every mistake you make. I'm going to let you feel the rain, lose a toy or miss out. So you learn that's not cruel, that's character building. It's being human and understanding that yes, I love you unconditionally, but you are not the be all and end all. You're important, just like all of us and I want to keep you safe and teach you where the boundaries are. And I think it's a welcome correction to the years that we've all experienced of being overly permissive or overly theoretical. Right. All of that theoretical parenting advice, it really boils down to what is developmentally appropriate. How much does a two year old really understand? Yes, they're beginning to understand quite a bit. Remarkably, that 24 months ago, he just came into this world. But here's what I believe and what I've taught hundreds of families over the years. Young children thrive with clear boundaries. Consistency is key. Natural consequences are more effective than threats or punishment. That's why I don't subscribe to timeouts. You don't need to yell, believe it or not. But you do need to follow through. If you say, if you pull that down, you have to come here in the kitchen and join me, then you have to follow through with that directive. He's not being punished or segregated. He's being invited in to share because I have to get dinner together. And the more that we guide early, the less you will have to correct later on. And I talk about that a lot. We do the heavy lifting. We do the repetition. No, don't touch that plant. No, don't touch my glass. No, don't go close to the door. Whatever. The guidelines are to keep safety where I don't have to be worrying all the time. But here's the key. Gentle parenting through all of my research was never supposed to be that you never say no. But unfortunately, that's how it was translated and definitely being used. I think we're now at the point that we're all trying to bring it back to center. You know, that balance, that grayness. Let's be emotionally connected with our little ones and developmentally informed. And that's what I'm trying to share with you. Where are their emotional development, matching their language and cognition? Let's be warm and firm. Let's be loving and highly consistent. That's what your toddler needs, and that's what you deserve, because then that builds your confidence in guiding them, that it's not a constant worry or power struggle. So if you've been wondering, wow, am I doing this right? Just know that you're not alone. There's no manual that you brought home at the hospital, as you know. And every child has their own little rhythm. And it's not necessarily neurological differences. It's just that, thank goodness and thank God each one of us has our own unique style. But if you've been leaning a little too far, gentle, or perhaps you're feeling guilty about saying, no, stop, sit down. Stop. Go away. And perhaps you're burned out from trying to keep this balance, keep the peace, keep safety. And you're pulling your hair out. Let's all reset together. You are your family's guide. You are Mama, most of the time, the true leader. The safety net and the boundary lines are created through you. And your child needs both your love and your limits. That's the balance. Right? Let's look back Into Isaiah, chapter 40, verse 11, where he said, says he will tend his flock like a shepherd. He will gather the lambs in his arms. He will carry them in his bosom and gently lead those that are with young if you're a mom in this season, you're sleep deprived, decision fatigued, or you're just feeling uncertain. Take this as comforting advice that you are being gently led. You were never meant to parent alone, and I believe God will meet you in the ordinary moments if you let Him. If you haven't yet listened to my February series, Gentle Parenting vs Reality, I encourage you to go back and check it out. I believe it's episode 97 and 98. And if you're looking for personal support tailored to your toddler right, your special gift. I'd love to invite you to join me in the Tiny Challenge, a one to one coaching series, five days, one week that gives you clarity and many practical steps that you can implement right away. Get Fast Progress. You can find the link in the show notes below and along with today's companion handout, I'm trying to really give some outlines so that you guys can take this and reference it. Reference these key points that I'm trying to share with you each and every week. So let's raise toddlers with courage. Your courage and theirs, consistency and connection, because that's building that foundation. So until next time, I'm Erin Heyer of Higher Learning. That's my last name, H Y E R and this is Talking Toddlers. So God bless and have a great week.