Podcast Summary: Why Toddlers Won’t Share (And Why You Can Stop Worrying)

Talking Toddlers with Erin Hyer (Ep. 130 – November 18, 2025)

Episode Overview

In this episode, Erin Hyer, a seasoned speech-language pathologist, dives into the developmental reasons why toddlers struggle with sharing—and why parents can stop feeling guilty, ashamed, or panicked when their little ones protest with “mine!” She offers a compassionate framework for understanding early childhood social skills, dispels pervasive myths about “bad behavior,” and equips listeners with practical strategies to nurture early social development without pressure. The episode’s tone is empathetic, insightful, and at times gently corrective, guiding parents to relax their expectations and replace worry with wisdom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Myth of Toddler Sharing (02:10–04:40)

• Crucial Message: Sharing is not developmentally appropriate for toddlers under 3. Expecting it is asking the impossible.
  • “If your toddler refuses to share, pushes a friend, or clutches a toy like it's made of gold, you're not doing anything wrong. You're actually watching healthy development in action.” (03:00)
• True sharing requires skills like:
  • Expressive and receptive language
  • Impulse control
  • Emotional regulation
  • Perspective-taking (“theory of mind”)
• These abilities don’t meaningfully emerge until closer to age 4–5.

Stages of Play: From Solitary to Cooperative (06:00–12:30)

• Play Progression Timeline:
  • 12–18 months: Exploratory and simple functional play (dumping, pushing, filling, imitating real actions)
  • 18–24 months: Early pretend play begins; toddlers copy everyday actions very concretely
  • 24–36 months: Parallel play dominates—children play near, not with, each other
  • 4–5 years: Early cooperative play appears, supported by improved language, stamina, and self-regulation
• Quote: “Parallel play is the bridge between solitary play and cooperative play. It’s when your kids observe one another, begin to imitate one another, and it’s quiet social learning.” (09:40)

Why Sharing Expectations Create Stress (13:00–15:10)

• Premature expectations lead to a “shame cycle”:
  • Parents feel embarrassed, kids feel misunderstood and dysregulated.
• The fantasy of toddlers sweetly sharing is a projection of adult expectations, not reality.
• “Expecting sharing at two or three is like asking a toddler to read a chapter book before they can even sound out the letters.” (12:15)

Emotional Skills: Laying the Groundwork, Not Forcing the Outcome (16:00–19:40)

• Big emotions in toddlers aren’t the issue—the issue is that the brain hasn’t developed regulation tools yet.
• Focus should be on providing conditions for future skills, not “managing” or “teaching” sharing or self-control.
  • “At this stage, it's not about managing big feelings. It's about building systems that will one day make feeling that possible. We are literally wiring the brain, laying down the pathways…” (17:05)
• Analogy: Trying to force emotional maturity is like trying to make a tulip bulb bloom in November—you can't speed nature, only support it.

The Playdate Trap & Social Group Settings (20:00–30:20)

• The “playdate trap”: Even loving, informed adults expect social, sharing play at ages when playdates are experiments for children, not social events.
  • “A play date with toddlers under three is not a social event. It's an experiment.” (20:40)
• Group care (like daycare, preschool) can misinterpret developmentally normal behavior as “bad” or “disordered” when expecting too much too soon. Most group settings don’t offer the individualized attention toddlers need for growing social skills.
• “Toddlers don’t learn social skills from peers...they learn social skills from attuned parents.” (28:40)

How to Set Up for Success: Practical Strategies (31:00–44:40)

Redirection, Not Lectures

• Avoid social scripts (“be nice”, “say sorry”)—toddlers don’t grasp them yet.
• Use simple, clear language and calm presence.
  • “Let’s try this one instead. Or, that's Joey's, you can have this one.” (34:10)

Preparing for Playdates

• Help your child select toys to share the day before.

• Remove especially beloved items to avoid heartbreak and conflict.

• Have multiples of the same toy to support parallel play.

• Limit playdate durations (~1 hour for under 3s), with structured supervision.

  • “Limit your play dates to about an hour. And that means greetings, let's play and exits.” (42:12)
  • “Play dates are for learning how your child can be around others. Think of it as controlled exposure.” (43:10)

Model Sharing Yourself

• Be explicit: “I’m excited to share my new book with Joey’s mom.”
• Let toddlers see the positive emotions associated with sharing, even if the concept itself is currently out of reach.

Scaffold with Preparation

• Mention the playdate casually the day before and day-of to provide security.
• Repeat routines so toddlers know what to expect, making transitions easier.

Dealing with Conflict: Guidance, Not Punishment (48:00–52:00)

• Don’t punish—don’t ignore. Toddlers need:
  1. Protection: Prepare and set the stage (discuss, select toys)
  2. Presence: Stay close for support; don’t leave kids to “work it out”
  3. Guidance: Gently redirect, shift focus when necessary
  • “A two year old can be redirected fairly easily, but shift to something that they can then manage…” (50:45)

Turn-Taking: The Real Bridge (53:00–60:00)

• Turn taking (not sharing) is the immediate developmental next step.

• Skills required:

  • Following simple directions
  • Waiting a few seconds for a turn
  • Trusting that the turn will return
  • Staying regulated during the process

• Examples:

  • Rolling a ball back and forth
  • Building blocks one at a time
  • Taking turns turning book pages
  • Blowing and popping bubbles (insider tip: always hold the bubble container)

• Integrate these moments in daily routines (at the store, opening doors, waiting at stop lights).

  • “Before your toddler can learn to share, he or she needs to learn several other things…the sequence is mama took a turn, daddy took a turn, who’s next?” (55:50)

Reframing “Bad” Behavior: This is Not a Moral Issue (61:00–end)

• Toddler egocentrism is not selfishness, it’s a natural, necessary stage while the brain “conserves energy for all that massive learning.”
• Social and emotional skills, including generosity and empathy, will grow from these foundations.
• Parent’s role: Set the stage, stay close, and guide gently.
• “You are the hero in your child's story. I'm simply here just to guide, encourage you and help cut through a lot of that noise outside.” (69:30)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On unrealistic expectations:
  “Expecting sharing at two or three is like asking a toddler to read a chapter book before they can even sound out the letters.” (12:15)

• On emotional regulation:
  “You can't make them share or wait or regulate themselves before their internal systems, language, sensory stability, emotional wiring...are developed enough.” (19:00)

• On why playdates often fail:
  “A play date with toddlers under three is not a social event. It's an experiment.” (20:40)

• On the parent’s true power:
  “Toddlers don’t learn social skills from peers. … They learn social skills from attuned parents.” (28:40)

• On core needs during social conflict:
  “What toddlers need in those moments isn’t shame or lecture or big long explanations… They need three things: protection, presence, and guidance.” (49:08)

• A message of hope:
  “Your toddler isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.” (58:10)

Key Segment Timestamps

• 00:00–05:30 — How social expectations and realities differ for toddlers; importance of normalizing “mine” behavior
• 06:00–12:30 — Stages of play and developmental trajectories
• 13:00–19:40 — The real reason for big emotions and the “terrible twos” myth
• 20:00–30:20 — Group care challenges, the limits of preschool socialization, the parent’s crucial role
• 31:00–44:40 — Concrete tools: redirection, preparation, and realistic playdate planning
• 48:00–52:00 — How to respond to hitting/pushing and conflicts—protection, presence, guidance
• 53:00–60:00 — Turn taking as the bridge to sharing; pragmatic daily practices
• 61:00–end — Reframing expectations and guiding development with grace and confidence

Final Takeaway

This episode is a reassuring, research-based deep dive into toddler social development. Erin Hyer empowers parents to see “mine!” as a milestone, not a failure, and provides the rationale and tools needed to shift from worry to wisdom when it comes to sharing. Parents are encouraged to focus on setting up secure, developmentally appropriate environments and to model the values they hope their children will develop in time—not to rush natural growth, but to steadily nurture it.