Summary: Talking Toddlers – Ep 141

Why Your Toddler Isn’t Listening Yet (And What Actually Builds It)
Host: Erin Hyer
Release Date: February 3, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Erin Hyer, a veteran speech-language pathologist, unpacks a modern parenting pain point: “Why isn’t my toddler listening?” She reframes the issue, explaining that listening isn’t a matter of willful defiance or parenting failure, but rather a developmental skill under construction. Erin provides calm, practical, and deeply developmental advice for mothers of toddlers, moving away from outdated, obedience-driven models toward understanding the brain science behind listening, cooperation, and early language.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listening Is a Developmental Skill, Not Obedience

• Erin begins by dispelling a major myth:

  “Listening is not the same thing as obedience. Listening is not compliance. Listening is not do what I said the first time. And listening isn't even proof of respect. Listening is a brain skill. It requires receptive language processing, the ability to understand words and their meanings.” (04:10)

• Toddler brains are “under construction,” especially in areas responsible for receptive language, impulse control, and regulation (07:20).
• Expecting a finished skill in an unfinished brain system leads to inevitable frustration—for both parent and child (08:50).

2. Why Toddlers Really Resist

• Resistance is often a sign of overwhelm or confusion, not disrespect:

  “Toddlers resist when they don't understand. They resist when their nervous system is overwhelmed, or they resist when the world feels unpredictable. And when that happens, cooperation falls apart. And speech often falls apart right along with it.” (02:10)

• Many families “skip a developmental chapter,” assuming that if a toddler can walk and talk, their reasoning and comprehension must have caught up—but that’s not the case (11:00).

3. The Core Principle for Building Cooperation and Language

• Erin’s central message:

  “When toddlers understand their role, when they feel capable, and when they have some sense of control within your boundaries, they cooperate. When they cooperate, they learn. And when they learn, language grows.” (13:05)

4. Three Foundational Strategies (Plus a Bonus!)

Erin details how listening skills are built proactively in real life through these key strategies:

a. Turn Taking: The Earliest Listening Practice

• True listening starts with back-and-forth social exchanges, not instructions.
• Games like Peekaboo, nursery rhymes, and simple imitation build the neural “muscles” for attention, working memory, and sequence (18:30).
• Memorable quote:

  “Turn taking is the rehearsal space for all of that. This is why...games like Peekaboo…aren’t extra. All of that is pure love and joy, but it’s wiring. This is their precursor practice for listening.” (21:40)

• Real-life story: Erin shares her work with a family of “Irish twins.” The children’s listening and cooperation did not improve until their environment became consistent and their bodies regulated (25:10).

b. Including Toddlers in Everyday Chores

• Participation in real tasks (putting groceries away, sorting laundry) provides language and social meaning:

  “When your child puts groceries away with you...they’re receiving language in context with you. Real words tied to real actions with real meaning. They're learning categories, sequencing, cause and effect, relationships, organization. But just as important, they're also learning emotional and social connection.” (48:15)

• This fosters belonging, self-worth, and regulation.

  “A child who feels included is more regulated. And then a regulated child listens better because, what, they're more available?” (50:00)

c. Giving Concrete Explanations

• Explain “why” simply and concretely.

  “Explaining the why behind those rules isn’t about convincing your toddler to behave. It’s more about building that comprehension, that understanding.” (56:20)

• Examples:

  “We brush our teeth to make them strong. If you throw food, then you’re done eating...First we get dressed, then we can go outside.” (58:55)

d. Bonus: Offer Choices

• Reduce overwhelm and boost autonomy by giving two clear options:

  “When we can reduce some of that language and...give them choices, then we reduce that cognitive load. And then they feel they're not being told all day, every day.” (01:07:00)

• Clear boundaries plus choice means less resistance and more collaboration.

5. Brain and Body: The Foundation of Listening

• Regulation is key: dysregulated children cannot “access” listening, no matter their intelligence or previous skills (24:00, 36:30).
• Simple routines, steady nutrition, and sleep are pillars of “availability for learning.”
• Notable quote:

  “A dysregulated body cannot support a listening brain. So when your child is always on the go and move, move, move...we have to understand how those two parts work together and fit together.” (36:55)

6. Reducing Parent Guilt and Unrealistic Pressure

• Many parents feel responsible for their child’s lack of listening, but Erin reassures:

  “Your child isn't broken. This stage was never meant to be navigated alone. But I think once you begin to understand and they begin to understand, then everything changes.” (01:16:45)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On developmentally appropriate expectations:

  “When we expect finished skills from an unfinished system, frustration is almost inevitable.” (08:50)

• On inclusion:

  “A child who feels included is more regulated. And then a regulated child listens better because...they’re more available.” (50:00)

• On the need for calm before connection:

  “They weren’t available to learn because availability is not about intelligence or effort or even capability. It’s about regulation.” (24:55)

• On the real root of “defiant” behavior:

  “What we often label as defiance is usually a byproduct or an end result of lack of understanding or feeling misunderstood or a sense of, you know, lack of control. And then they are driven by their immediate need for gratification.” (01:00:35)

• On giving choices:

  “Small language shifts through your daily activities can change everything.” (01:10:00)

• On the big takeaway:

  “If you look at your child, don't see them as being resistant. See them as being under construction.” (01:16:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:10 — “Your toddler isn't ignoring you. They're struggling to process what you're asking.”
• 04:10 — Defining listening versus obedience.
• 11:00 — Why parents (and society) expect too much, too early.
• 13:05 — Central principle: understanding, capability, and control lead to cooperation.
• 18:30 — How turn taking wires the brain for listening.
• 25:10 — Case study: A family transforms through routines and regulation.
• 36:30 — The gut-brain connection and the role of regulation in listening.
• 48:15 — Why chores are a language and regulation powerhouse.
• 56:20 — How and why to give age-appropriate explanations to toddlers.
• 01:07:00 — The power of offering simple choices to toddlers.
• 01:16:10 — The importance of seeing children as “under construction,” not resistant.

Flow and Tone

Erin Hyer’s approach is compassionate, direct, and deeply reassuring. She avoids fear and blame, instead inviting parents to see themselves and their children as partners in an unfolding developmental journey, emphasizing real-life connection and gentle, preventive strategies.

Final Takeaways

• Listening in toddlers is a skill that grows through:
  • Social turn taking
  • Shared, meaningful routines and chores
  • Calm, predictable environments
  • Simple, concrete language and explanations
  • Allowing toddlers some choices within boundaries
• Parental understanding and self-compassion are key; “not listening” is rarely about “bad behavior,” but about brains still learning to process and regulate.
• For support and deeper learning, Erin invites listeners to a live parent workshop on February 13th (details in show notes).

If you’re overwhelmed by your toddler’s “not listening,” this episode will help you reframe, reset, and begin building true listening, cooperation, and confidence—both for your toddler and yourself.