Sex Therapist Tells All: Men Going Soft, When Sex Hurts & Why She Hates Giving Head

Summary

Podcast Summary: Tall Blonde - "Sex Therapist Tells All: Men Going Soft, When Sex Hurts & Why She Hates Giving Head"

Introduction

In the May 1, 2025 episode of Tall Blonde, host Sarah Lauren engages in a candid and insightful conversation with Ashlyn Marie James, a Toronto-based psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy. Presented by MBHTV, the episode delves deep into the intricacies of modern relationships, sexual health, and the unspoken challenges individuals face in their intimate lives. The discussion is marked by unfiltered honesty, aiming to provide listeners with valuable lessons and guidance drawn from professional expertise.

Guests and Background

• Host: Sarah Lauren, known for her straightforward and relatable approach to conversations about dating, city life, and personal growth.
• Guest: Ashlyn Marie James, a registered psychotherapist with a specialization in sex therapy, bringing years of experience and a passion for fostering healthy sexual relationships.

Key Topics Discussed

1. Duration of Sexual Activity

   • Statistics & Insights: Ashlyn begins by addressing a common question: "How long should sex last?" She shares that, on average, penis-vagina penetration lasts five to seven minutes, not accounting for foreplay and aftercare [00:00]. Including these elements, the typical duration extends to about 20 to 25 minutes, though this varies widely among individuals [06:03].
   • Notable Quote: Ashlyn emphasizes flexibility in expectations, stating, “It could be hours” depending on various factors [06:03].

2. Communicating Sexual Preferences

   • Importance of Open Dialogue: The conversation highlights how essential it is for partners to discuss their likes and dislikes openly. Ashlyn advises approaching these discussions with curiosity rather than judgment [08:00].
   • Notable Quote: Sarah Lauren adds, “Don’t be angry... make it an open conversation” [08:11].

3. Erectile Dysfunction in Men

   • Prevalence & Causes: Ashlyn normalizes erectile dysfunction, noting that “1 in 4 men under the age of 40 have erectile dysfunction or have experienced it at least once” [30:13]. She explores various causes, including stress and performance anxiety.
   • Supporting Partners: Emphasis is placed on understanding and supporting male partners through such challenges without assigning blame [32:05].

4. Cheating and Trust in Relationships

   • Complexity of Infidelity: Addressing betrayal, Ashlyn discusses scenarios like discovering a partner messaging someone else while expecting a child [12:42]. She underscores that infidelity often reflects more about the perpetrator than the betrayed [15:37].
   • Notable Quote: “Once a cheater, always a cheater? No,” Ashlyn clarifies, highlighting the importance of accountability and personal growth post-infidelity [15:55].

5. Love vs. Lust

   • Hormonal Differences: Ashlyn distinguishes between love and lust by explaining the different hormones involved. Lust is driven by hormones like testosterone and dopamine, creating an urgent and obsessive desire [20:11]. In contrast, love involves oxytocin, fostering a sense of home and deep connection [21:02].
   • Coexistence: She confirms that love and lust can coexist, enriching a relationship by blending passion with deep emotional bonds [21:16].

6. Performance Anxiety and Self-Exploration

   • Overcoming Anxiety: The discussion covers methods to handle performance anxiety, such as focusing on pleasure rather than performance and employing mindfulness techniques [24:11].
   • Resources: Ashlyn recommends Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are as a valuable resource for understanding female sexual responses and enhancing self-exploration [43:22].

7. Use of Sex Toys and Normalizing Sexual Aids

   • Enhancing Pleasure: Ashlyn advocates for the use of sex toys as tools for enhancing sexual intimacy and exploring mutual preferences [26:29]. She encourages the integration of these aids into relationships to accommodate differing sexual needs and preferences.
   • Notable Quote: “We love consent and mutual... there are different ways to work around this” Ashlyn emphasizes the importance of respecting boundaries while exploring sexual creativity [27:59].

8. Sex Drive and Birth Control

   • Impact of Hormonal Changes: Ashlyn discusses how birth control can affect sex drive, advising patience and self-compassion during hormonal transitions [48:11]. She suggests speaking with healthcare providers and exploring personal motivations for reconnecting with one's sexuality [49:20].
   • Notable Quote: “Sex drive is an incentivized motivation system... it changes based on different contexts” Ashlyn explains [48:17].

9. Maintaining Sexual Spark in Long-Term Relationships

   • Strong Foundations: To keep the sexual spark alive in long-term relationships, Ashlyn highlights the need for a strong friendship, trust, and ongoing communication [53:15].
   • Scheduled Intimacy: Contrary to popular belief, she suggests that scheduled intimacy can actually enhance spontaneity by ensuring regular connection and prioritization of sexual needs [56:05].
   • Notable Quote: “Creating space for it and continuously prioritizing it is key” Ashlyn advises [53:23].

Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Ashlyn Marie James imparts several key insights:

• Communication is Crucial: Open and compassionate dialogue about sexual preferences and challenges significantly enhances relationship satisfaction.
• Normalize Sexual Health Issues: Understanding and accepting issues like erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety as common can alleviate unnecessary blame and stigma.
• Embrace Sexual Diversity: Recognizing and respecting different sexual needs and preferences fosters a healthier and more fulfilling sex life.
• Seek Professional Help: Consulting sex therapists can provide tailored solutions and support for complex sexual issues, promoting overall well-being.

Notable Quotes

• Ashlyn Marie James [30:13]: “1 in 4 men under the age of 40 have erectile dysfunction or have experienced it at least once.”
• Ashlyn Marie James [15:55]: “Once a cheater, always a cheater? No.”
• Ashlyn Marie James [20:11]: “Lust involves hormones like testosterone and dopamine... love involves bonding hormones like oxytocin.”
• Ashlyn Marie James [43:22]: “Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great resource.”

Conclusion

The Tall Blonde episode featuring Ashlyn Marie James offers a comprehensive exploration of contemporary sexual issues, underscored by professional insights and practical advice. By addressing common concerns and demystifying the complexities of sexual relationships, Sarah Lauren ensures that listeners are equipped with the knowledge to navigate their intimate lives with confidence and understanding.

Where to Find Ashlyn Marie James

For those seeking professional support, Ashlyn Marie James operates virtually in Ontario through her private practice, Mindful Pleasures Therapy. She offers a range of services including individual therapy, sex therapy, and couples therapy. Additionally, Ashlyn owns a virtual wellness clinic that focuses on women's health, integrating naturopathy and nutrition to promote a holistic approach to mind, body, and soul wellness.

To book an appointment or learn more about Ashlyn’s services, visit Mindful Pleasures Therapy.

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Transcript

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Sex. On average, penis vagina penetration lasts five to seven minutes. But that doesn't include foreplay, aftercare, like emotional intimacy, buildings. But again, this is dependent on so many different things, so it could be hours. On today's conversation, we're joined by Ashlyn, a psychotherapist specialized in sex therapy.

[Tall Blonde Host]

It's real, it's unfiltered, and it's about time we talk about sex like grown ups. I have some friends that don't like giving head.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think it's really normal that people have different preferences. Like, be genuinely curious, like what is happening for you during this? And then sex is creative, sex is playful.

[Tall Blonde Host]

When they get soft halfway through, what does that mean? Do you keep trying or do you just stop?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay, I really want to normalize this.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Tall Blonde. All right, before we dive in, just a quick note. This episode features therapeutic conversation, but it's not therapy. And it doesn't replace therapy. Nothing shared here is meant to be substituted for professional mental health care or any therapeutic relationship. If anything comes up for you while you're listening, emotionally, mentally, feel free to take what resonates and leave the rest. We're just sharing thoughts, experiences, and ideas, not giving you personalized therapeutic advice. If you're struggling or in need, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional who can walk you in a way that's safe and tailored to you. Now let's get straight into it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Foreign.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Welcome back to Tell Blonde. Today's episode is not safe for work. Or is it? I'm joined today by Toronto based psychotherapist who is specialized in sex therapy, Ashlyn Marie James. And we're answering all of your burning questions that you guys wrote in from why do I keep catching feelings after hooking up to how do I even ask for what I want in the bedroom? It's real, it's unfiltered, and it's about time we talk about sex like grownups. Let's get into it. So how are you doing today?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I'm doing good. How are you?

[Tall Blonde Host]

This is your first podcast.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

But needed, right? Yeah. People need to know these answers. And like I told you a little bit earlier, I get so many questions, obviously emails and dms, and this is where all these are compiled from. But a lot of them are about sex, a lot of them about partners and things that happened, sometimes story times, and they get really descriptive. But I don't necessarily know how to answer them. So why not get a professional to answer them with me? And you do have you Provide sex therapy virtually correct on your platform?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. So I'm a registered psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, and I work with sex therapy individually and with couples.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And how did you get into it?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So I started my practicum in with sex therapy and then I was just like, fascinated. I like, dove into the research. My undergrad was like, I was working for someone who was in sex therapy too. So it's like sprinkled throughout my whole life. And I grew up in like a very, like, sex positive household, so.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Which is rare.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, nowadays, definitely rare. My. I come from like a South Asian background, so it was like mixed messaging. Some of it was like, you know, sex positive. Some of them it wasn't. And I had to like, re. I had to do the work to dismantle that. So it just kind of came from there. And then I dove into the research. The research is like, just coming out now. There's like a lot of cool stuff happening. So I just like, dove right in.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And for sex therapy, I didn't do much research on, like, actually, you know, if you specialize in certain kinds of sex therapy. Because the questions that I got in, you know, I sent them to you beforehand. The general questions, male pleasures, orgasms, birth control, relationship questions, like, we're hitting on all those. But I guess they're different parts of sex therapy. Is it more so, like, you kind of work with people in different areas or I guess with sex, like, you could go through all of the above, right?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Like, what's that?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Like, so it's. I would definitely, if you're looking for sex therapy, like, find someone who works within the scope that you're looking. So essentially, like, people who specialize in sex therapy are trained to work with like, a lot of different things, like women, men, couples, queer, like the whole, like, plethora of things that come with sex therapy. But I mean, if you're looking for something like, specific, I would reach out to someone specific. That all the questions that you talked about are things that I've been trained to work with.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I mean, there are one or two that I added in, but I won't say which one they were. But I mean, like, a lot of people say it's an uncomfortable conversation. But like you said, well, I guess you grew up in a sex positive household, but it's an uncomfortable conversation for, I guess, anyone. But also especially uncomfortable for people that were raised without even speaking about it, with parents, friends, friends, whatever. And I think, I mean, I never talked about it with my parents. I had the Whole talk of like birth control and like be safe during sex, but never felt open about it until like growing up and talking about it with my friends. And I feel like that's pretty common.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Very common.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And I feel like some of the questions that these like people have written in are like, you know, best friend chats. Like a group chat thing that you'd write in. Yeah, some people just aren't comfortable to say it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Mm, no, that comes in often in session where like girls get together and talk and they're like, okay, let's, let's bring this in. You know, I feel like there's so much healing done in the community of like friendship.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

That where it comes in.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. So it's kind of like a group chat conversation coming to life here.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So I'll just start off with the first kind of general questions and we can kind of dig into it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Let's go.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So the first one I got would how long should sex last?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And obviously this is very broad.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, very broad. But it's not a like a one size fits all type of answer. So if you're looking for like statistics, sex on average, penis, vagina, penetration lasts five to seven minutes. But that doesn't include like foreplay, aftercare, like emotional, like intimacy building. So in general, like the rough average is like 20 to 25 minutes. But again, this is dependent on so many different things. So it could be hours.

[Tall Blonde Host]

But like you said. So five to seven is normal, like penetration. Okay.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So some people shouldn't feel as bad. They're like, oh, like I was quick and I mean it was within the five to seven.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

But I feel like as a woman you need the foreplay to enjoy. Like you can't just get off in five to seven minutes. Minutes.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. No. Foreplay is important and pleasure during intimacy is really important because that's going to make you want to, you know.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Continue coming back.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And a lot of people ask the question, I'm kind of skipping here, but because we're on the topic of talking about pleasures and like what people like. Do you get a lot of questions from clients asking about how do I bring it up or how do I start the conversation with my significant other or the person that I. Maybe it's a situationship, maybe it's just a one night stand as to what they like?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, all the time. All the time. I think it is sometimes uncomfortable to have these conversations and how do I.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Say it, when do I say it? Is it weird if I just bring it up while we're in the midst of it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And those feelings are normal and you're going to feel them. I think, bringing it up. First of all, don't bring it up in like, an argument. Bring it up in, like a calm, grounded space and talk about it with, like, curiosity. The more you talk about intimacy, it's actually proven that you will have more, like, sexual satisfaction in, like, a relationship or even with self. So, like, talking about it is such an important part of the process.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So instead of saying, like, that was horrible. I didn't even.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Sorry.

[Tall Blonde Host]

That thing. Oh, well, like, what would you have liked?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And. Or like, what did you like about that? Go around or whatever.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So I guess like you said, don't be angry. Don't pick a fight about it, but just make it an open conversation.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. Get curious. Like, what do you like? What do you not like? What do you want more of?

[Tall Blonde Host]

And normally when you ask a question of what they like, then they'll bring it back to you.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Okay, next question. What does it mean when you suddenly never want to have sex with the man you're dating?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

That's a good question. And I think something that, like, comes up, like, often in a sense of.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And I guess it could go both ways totally.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

For everyone. I think, like, recognizing desire and recognizing, like, arousal and connection is biopsychosocial. So, like, what's going on for you? Are you stressed? Like, what's going on for you individually? Does something, like, shift what happened in the relationship? Do, like, something shift in the relationship for you? How are you feeling in your body with this person? Like, does it feel safe? Does it feel like, has anything shifted in those three realms? And I think that's like a good place to start.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So, like, kind of just digging into. Okay, yes. It might be maybe the person gained weight or maybe you're just, you know, suddenly getting less attracted to them. Or maybe you're just not attracted with how you are feeling or looking to even put yourself into that. Is that kind of what you're saying?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, like, I think. I think looking at fact. But when she says, or they say, suddenly I'm thinking something shifted, like, quick, you know, And I think that's normal. Just, like, analyzing and like, sitting with. What was that?

[Tall Blonde Host]

Or I mean, sometimes feminine is an example of how that's. This one wasn't my question. But if, like, sometimes I've been kind of, like, gotten the ick from my partner. Not forever, but just if, like, they're pissing me off or if they're doing something That's, I'm like, ugh, that's not maybe manly or something. And I'm like, I don't really feel. Feel the lust and attraction as much as I did.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

But that's like periodically, like it would go away.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And then normalizing, like that's an ebb and flow that's gonna come within a relationship. Within like a conversation. Right.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And it's, I guess was. Is that something that you should be talking about or is that just like.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay, I think analyzing. Is this like a one time analyzing impact. Right. Because ebbs and flows are natural within a relationship. But if this is continually like coming up for you, then, then I think like having a conversation is a really important aspect of that.

[Tall Blonde Host]

How do you even bring that up though? Like, what do you.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

You have to give me an example.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Like, if I was just suddenly unattracted to my boyfriend. Let's say we were in it for three years.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And we're just like, ugh, I'm not really feeling it. And it goes months with me not really feeling it. And now I'm wanting to do anything. How would I. Let's say I'm stressed. But nothing's changed with him.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay. Nothing's changed with him. So it's been three years. I think with this. That's pretty specific. So I'm thinking of like therapy and I'm thinking of like asking a lot of like prompting questions. I mean, I think getting support too, to like really understand what is going on for you. Like, is it something with self? Is it something with the relationship? Did this come on suddenly or has it been building? Like, I think these are all questions that you can work with, which is.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Crazy because I wrote these down. And everything you're saying makes so much sense. I just wouldn't have known it if it wasn't for you to say it. Like, what you're saying, okay. What's happening in your life? Like, I wouldn't have said I was stressed. I would just think, ugh, like, I'm not attracted to my boyfriend right now. But it does always. It is something deeper than that in you or, you know, something might be changing and you have to kind of figure that out. It's just like any other type of therapy. Right. Like you have to figure out. Okay. I hate when someone raises their arms. Okay. Maybe that is because a trauma in the past or whatever that may be. Like, it's. It's really doing the background.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Research.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And noting if it's from like current experience or past situations.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Or, like, because I would have said if someone asked me this, I'd have been like, well, you're probably just losing interest in them, but I guess it's so much more than that. It could be that. Yeah, it's not just that, but I was, like, trying to answer them. You know, when you're writing down a question and you're answering it in your head, that was what I was doing. Very enlightening to hear your answers compared to mine. Next question is, my boyfriend was messaging another girl. Only one that I know of, but I'm five months pregnant. What would you do? Why is he doing this?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

That one that hurts my heart. You know that one? Yeah. That one, like, hits the soul.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And obviously, I mean, no offense, but when it's. She's the only one that I know of. Like, normally, when it's one, it could.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Be more, I think, slowing down in this and obviously, like, talking to him, like, seeing what everything is about. Like, what. What is the conversation like? Like, ask the question. When I think betrayal happens, I think urgency and, like, fight or flight can take hold. So I would tell this person, like, acknowledge that the feelings are valid, but also, like, sit and talk to your partner, see what it's about for him. Again, it could be. Not that excuses anything, but it could be, like, life transitions or, like, stress and, like, you know, it could be so many different things. And, like, seek support. I think. I mean, you're five months pregnant, like.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And you don't need.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

In your life. Like, that's not good for. For maybe.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. Seek support. Find, like, whether it's, like, community support or like, a therapist. Like, because that's difficult to navigate.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So there isn't, like, one reason as to obviously why he'd be doing that. Like, it wouldn't be because she's pregnant and maybe he doesn't want to have known.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

No. I don't think you can draw any correlations. I think that's more about him. Right. Like, it's about his, like, you know, whatever. It's attachment trauma, you know?

[Tall Blonde Host]

And, like, men cheat for so many different reasons that I think communication is key. But it's all about. Okay, it's great to communicate and pick yourself up and be able to have that conversation. Because that's hard, too, for her. Even, like, pregnant or not, that's tough to be cheated on or know that. Well, I guess we don't know if he. He said my boyfriend's messaging another girl, so we don't discuss the deed has been done.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

But even to Be betrayed in any way, shape or form sucks. But it. To have that conversation is hard. And on top of that, there's so many reasons why people seek other attention. But like, will he even tell the truth? I guess that's for you to find out.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. For her to like sit in and sit with, I think like really ground to herself in this moment. Right. Because like, that's a tough scenario.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Very tough. No girl should ever have to go through that, especially pregnant. But I guess she has to remember that it says more about him than it does about her for him to see elsewhere when in a relationship. But I guess it's like, talk to people, be there for yourself, Give yourself grace. Like you're not in a rush to make any decisions. You don't have to tell them right away that you saw this message. Think about it. Talk to someone that you know can be any private. Seek therapy, whatever it is that you may think and take it slow. Is what I would kind of.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, I agree.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Is once a cheater always a cheater? Great that this happened right after the cheating things. I could talk about cheaters all day. But is once a cheater always a cheater? True when it comes to sex?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

No. Like just statement. No.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Really?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yes. Because I mean, I think that statement in itself validate that cheating is difficult and hard and I've been cheated on and like, I can completely connect to the statement. But it is maybe a form of protection. Right. Like if you're assuming that, okay, once a cheater, always a cheater, like protecting yourself. So like, I completely get it. But I think acknowledging a person's process. Right. If someone cheats and they're not taking accountability, they're not like doing their own work, they're not doing their own healing, they're not acknowledging their own patterns, they're not acknowledging like, what caused them and how they would cope in the future and like communicating with their partner and like taking accountability for their heart then like, yeah, I don't.

[Tall Blonde Host]

What's the after?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Are you actually doing every single thing that you said, taking accountability, working on it, talking about it, explaining as to why you did what you did, and like being honest and admitting to it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Some people live their whole life without admitting to it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And I think that's when you acknowledge that like, you know, this person isn't taking accountability. And like, you have to recognize cycles and patterns and have respect to yourself.

[Tall Blonde Host]

To know, okay, maybe this isn't the best spot for me. And it's so tricky because now in our age I feel like so many people do cheat and I don't know if that's because I'm just in a space spot where I talk about dating all the time and I hear about it because girls come to me with that or if it's just more so happening now because of social media or because of, you know, the access to. You could even like FaceTime someone and have FaceTime sex. Like it's. Or just emotionally cheat through text. Like there's so many different kinds now. So I don't know if it's more of an issue or if it's just coming to light.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I don't know either. I. I don't know. I think, yeah, I don't know.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I hope it's just because Mitsubin goes back to me and they're like, help. And I'm like, oh, another one. Add that to the list. How do you know if I'm truly attracted to my partner or it's just comfort?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think that's a really good question. It's like a pretty. I would have to know more because, like, it's a pretty, like, broad question.

[Tall Blonde Host]

It is very broad.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

But I think like, in general, let's just like, zoom out and maybe talk about like lust at the beginning of a relationship and like that limerence phase and that. Like excitement and like attraction and like fun. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that. And then like in a long term, right, it becomes more comfort, like support, acceptance, all of those things. So I think connecting to. It's supposed to feel comfortable, right? You're supposed to feel. Have comfort. You're supposed to have comfort in it. And I mean, I would also seek support with this question too, because I think it's a, like a lot more complex than I can answer on here, obviously. But I think looking at. Is that comfort, like, do you feel like, numbed out by it for a sustained amount of time? Right. Because ebbs and flows happen in relationships.

[Tall Blonde Host]

When you say numbed out by it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I mean, like, do you feel like you're just kind of going through the motions? Do you feel like, disassociated and disconnected from him and like the space and like you're just like here, present but like, numb.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I get what you're saying.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Or are you like comfortable and acknowledging that this is like an ebb and flow and like, maybe the comfort is like bringing you peace, maybe it's bringing you boredom, but, like, it's also. It's not like numbing you, like keeping you away from your presence.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. And I think some people are Just more hyper aware of everything, every feeling that they have. But some people are also like, okay, you're having this question and you're writing it in because you clearly know maybe in your gut that something is changing.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, I think, like, following that intuition too.

[Tall Blonde Host]

A girl's intuition is crazy. We know everything before it even happens. Like, God, I have so many examples of that. What's the difference between love and lust? Okay, this is a great question. Follow up question.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay, so lust, it's different hormones, first of all, that are being, like, produced in a relationship. So when I say that limerence phase of a relationship, around like one to three months, it is less. It's different hormones. It's testosterone, it's dopamine, it's quick, it's fast, it's urgent. It actually mimics the place, the reward center, cocaine activates in your brain. Okay, so it's like, it can feel, like, obsessive. That's less. Love is. Yeah, you need it.

[Tall Blonde Host]

More of it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

You want more of it. You're obsessed with it. Like addiction.

[Tall Blonde Host]

It's.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

It's everything. Love is a lot slower. And it's when bonding hormones are being released. So, like, oxytocin is being released and it's like, slow. It's less urgent, it's more accepting, it's gentle, it's warm. And like, that's kind of hard to explain, but it feels like home. Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So do you. Is it like an opposite of, like, you can't have love if you're in lust, or is it like, you can have. You can fall in love after the lust? Does that make sense?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, you can you have one or the.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Can you have both or is it just one or the other?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

No, you can have both. Like, you can definitely be in love and have, like, moments of lust. And also that, like, transition stage of, like, lust maybe mixed with, like, love. This person supporting me and accepting me and like, feels like, calm. Like, you can definitely have a mix.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And then what would it feel like or like look like if it were just lust.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

No love, it would feel. It would feel different for everyone. But, like, in general, it'd be like, obsessive. Like, it would be like urgent and obsessive and like, quick. Well, what lust is too. It's not. It's usually a projection of what you think a person is or what you think a person would be within a relationship.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Like the daydreaming that.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

For you really get to know someone.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And then you get, like, obsessed with this, like, projection. Then you start love Is like you start to know the person. You start to know like their flaws and like accept like different things. And that's kind of the difference.

[Tall Blonde Host]

See them in a bad spot and you're still there for them. You're not just picking up and leaving.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

When I thought of it, I was like, okay. I guess lust is more so of like they just want. It's like the love bombing effect. Kind of like they want you when they want you and then they have you and then they had their fun and then they leave. But I guess that could be someone lust. But it's also maybe just how.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Or what someone wanted.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think that comes to like attachment too, because, like, what kind of attachment does this person have? I think less can look different from. For like different levels of attachment.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And is that something like you work on in therapy? Like, how would someone that says, okay, like I can't fall in love or I've never been in a relationship, I just like lust over these women. Like, what would you say to them? Or how would you kind of work through that?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think I would like just in general zooming out. It would be like more avoidant attachment. You would look at like that kind of lone wolf mentality or like the fear of vulnerability or the feel of being, you know, really connected to this person and relying on a person. Like, that's definitely what you do in therapy too.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. Like, what's holding you back from being vulnerable? What's holding you back from doing the other things and not just the physical with someone you're talking to or in your life?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I need to send my ex boyfriend to all of my exes too. How can I deal with performance anxiety in the bedroom? Who do you think wrote this in? A woman or a man?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I don't know. I think it could be really either. Really? Because I.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Because I feel like women have a lot more performance anxiety or I could be wrong.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

No, I think it's. I. I actually don't. I have no idea. But I. You definitely see it in both ends. Both ends. I think it shows up a little bit differently. So I think with women, they're really. They're not present in the moment. Right. They're not focusing on the pleasure. They're focusing on other. How their body looks like, what's going on. And does he like this? Yeah, does he like this? Does he not? Like all these questions are like popping up, which is taking them. First of all, it's causing a little bit of stress, which is taking away from pleasure.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And it's Nate, can the other person sense that?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I don't know. Like, I think it depends. I think some people are like really good at hiding it. But I think also in a, in a long term relationship, someone's gonna sense it. Right. Like someone's gonna know if it's, if it's happening. But to like work through that. First of all, I think focusing on pleasure versus performance is really important because like once you focus on performance, your mind is like grounding into like all these different.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Your own pleasure.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. Your own pleasure. You can also like focus on. Mindfulness is really helpful in this. Like coming back to the present moment. Whether you want to focus on the pleasure or like the texture of your partner's skin or like the warmth or if you're like ignited by senses, maybe you want to like light a strong scent or like make the lighting or put on a good playlist. Yeah, exactly.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Okay. So kind of like grounding yourself. Like I mean in life coaching we do like breath work or step outside and do a certain whatever, like lay down. So I guess just in a different way when you're doing it or you're like having sex with someone to go back into that present moment, it could be different. Whether it's a touch or the comfort or. I mean like I always say to people, they're like, oh, like what should I wear? I feel like they're trying to impress someone or whatever. I'm like, where will you feel comfortable in?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Because if you're checking yourself in the mirror and this and that and you're scared as to if it doesn't look good on you from a certain angle, you're not going to be having fun.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So exactly what you said was like, be comfortable in who you are and like kind of set the tone so that that place that you're in is comfort. Whether it's music.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Whether it's a candle like you said.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I love that. I never thought about it that way.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

And you may want to rewrite any like negative beliefs that are pulling you out of them. Like rewrite it beforehand into. Okay. No, I'm like having this for like my own pleasure or connection or like kind of like reground into why you're having as much as this. Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Is for them. It's for me too. I love that. That was like a beautifully answered males pleasures. This is someone that wrote in from his perspective. My girl doesn't like giving head. What do I do? And I have some friends that don't like giving head.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. I think Like, I think it's really normal that people have different sexual palettes. Right. Like, people have different preferences. And I think it's really important to be, like, curious and understand what that's about for her in particular. Like, is it about the experience itself? Does she feel disconnected from it? Does. Is it, like, because of a past experience? Like, is it uncomfortable? Like, what's happening for her? Again, be, like, really gentle and compassionate when you're answering. Like, be genuinely curious, like, what is happening for you during this? And then sex is creative, sex is playful. Like, there's so many different ways to work around, like, preferences. Right? Like, finding, nurturing something else that you both find super hot and really turns you on.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Like, so, like, let's say he really loves getting ahead, but he really loves this girl. Just have an open conversation. Try to figure out why or what it is that might be leading her to not like it and see if you can work through that.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I wouldn't, like, if. I mean, if she's saying no, then she's saying no. Like, we love consent and, like, mutual. Right. And I. But I think it's important to be.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Curious.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. Be curious and know that there's. There's different ways to work around this. There's toys. There's, like, things to bring in that mimic, like, a similar sensation. Like, it's not the end of the world in a sense. Right.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And maybe he hasn't even thought about it that way way.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Which is. I mean, what a lot of people I think probably stop at is like, oh, my partner won't do this, so we're never gonna do this. It's like, no, there's other ways that you can have that fantasy, whatever it is. Another thing that someone asked me that I didn't have the chance to write down because they emailed it to me, like, a few days ago. But, like, what if I like it certainly rough or whatever, and my partner likes it gentle? And this, like, how do we make our worlds clean, collide if we don't want to have sex the same way?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think that's dependent on the couple. But I. I mean, this comes, like, different preferences. Again, you probably want to. Again, sex is a time to play, so you probably want to have that conversation on, like, okay, when we're doing rough. Right. Like, what boundaries? Like, what's yellow? What's red? What's green? Like, yeah. Know where do the boundaries lie and how, you know, do they want it to look? How do you want it to look? How can you come to, like, a Compromise on that. And, like, when are you going to implement this type of sex? And when are you going to implement this type of sex and, like, making.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Each other both happy?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, yeah. Conversations about it. Like, conversations.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And that's kind of what I'm getting from this whole conversation so far. We have so many questions left. But also, like, communication is such a benefit in your sex life and relationships in general. But, like, because we're talking about sex today in sex too. Like, just talking about it. Like, okay, if you don't like it rough, how. What do you like about the sex that we've had? And what don't you like? So that they can kind of have a conversation about it or just, like, if someone doesn't want to do something. Okay, well, there's other options. Let's talk about it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Because I enjoy this feeling, but you don't enjoy doing this. So what else can we do around it? Communication.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And it will, like, drastically improve your sex life.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah, I bet. When they get soft halfway through, what does that mean? Do you keep trying or do you just stop?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay. I really want to normalize this because 1 in 4 men under the age of 40 have, like, erectile dysfunction. Or it's happened to them. Right. Like, well, it's happened to them at least once. So this happens. Also. It can happen, like, biologically, because, like, your test, you're not as sensitive to testosterone anymore. Isn't it, like, when you're thinking or.

[Tall Blonde Host]

You'Re on something, you could also not be able to get hard.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Oh, it can be so many things. It could be like, stress. It could be, like, performance anxiety. This comes into, like, a pressure on performance. Maybe they're nervous. It's essentially like their nervous system isn't in gear to have sex. Right. Like, whether they're, like, thinking about other things, whether something hits their. Okay. Like zooming out. There's like a dual control model of arousal. Okay. So there's things that hit your accelerators.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Okay.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

This is for men and women. Things that hit your accelerators. Emotional closeness, connection. Maybe something like you're just looking for sex stimuli and being like, this turns me on.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Or like some.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Someone looks like.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

To that certain thing.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And then you get, like, aroused. Your sex stimuli turns on. You're. You're ready to go.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Then there's a brake system. Okay. So a brake system can be, okay, the dog's barking, or I'm stressed, or I'm feeling emotionally disconnected. And this.

[Tall Blonde Host]

That draws you out.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. That drives you out of it. So like, something could have hit their break and could have drew them out of it or something, you know, could have dysregulated their nervous system at some point, maybe alcohol, and it could draw them out. So, like, it's really normal. And to ask them what they want, like, do they want to stop? Do they not want to stop? In addition, I think if you are stopping doing something connective after, like, cuddling or still being connected to, like, just give that reassurance and also, like, positive reinforcement that, like, erection is just as important as you make it to be.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And I think a lot of girls, because I've had these conversations with, like, quite a few of my friends, just the fact of, like, you blame yourself. Like, you think, oh, couldn't get hard because of me, because of something I did. But you're saying it's normally not the case.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Normally not the case. Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And I mean, it is kind of a shitty feeling for probably both sides. So understand that and don't make it feel even more comfortable with, like, pointing it out or this or that. You're saying, just be comfortable and ask them and have that conversation.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And there's a lot of different ways to have sex. Right. Penetration is.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. Isn't the only.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Interesting, because I feel like that's very common. Like, I've experienced in my lifetime somebody that couldn't get hard the first few times because of anxiety. Like, there was so much pressure on it, I guess.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And he openly told me that, like, the second time. But I think, too, for men, it's hard to explain that or even know why it is. See, at some point, so. So it's like, give each other grace. It's not the end of the world.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Or I mean, do other things.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think do other things is a good one.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. So fun and enjoying. Okay. This one was. I giggled when I wrote this one. I'm 67 and my girl is 53 and can't take it all. And I can't finish. Is it doomed?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

This is a. I was just looking at, like, the. I think you had the height difference when I read this question.

[Tall Blonde Host]

No. Like, I pictured two people and I was like, what facts. That is so true. What do you do?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

There's. I think there's, again, like, creativity is really important in this. I think specifically with her. Perhaps she's in positions where she's controlling depth. Right. Like, she's on top where she can, like, have control over depth. So it's comfortable for her and.

[Tall Blonde Host]

But then, like, can't a Guy feel that it's not all the way in.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I mean, I think it's dependent on, like, a lot of different things, but there's also different ways to finish. Right. Like, there's. I wouldn't say it's doomed. Okay. I think there's, like, creativity that can be had.

[Tall Blonde Host]

They can finish like, that.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

You're talking about, I think, like, oral. I think, again, toys. There's also these, like. I forget what they're called. I don't know. They're like buffers, though, that you can put on, like, during sex.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Really?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And then so it, like, controls depth.

[Tall Blonde Host]

That's crazy that they've come up with it already. Yeah, of course they have. Like, there's something for every issue ever.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Because I always see. I mean, like, NBA players normally have very. A lot shorter girlfriends. So, like, I'm sure this is an issue that people run into all the time.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. So you can't be new and like, a lot of different things with different bodies. Like, and there's a lot of ways to work around it.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

A lot of, like, toys too, can, like, implement them.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And a lot of people probably have in. And people I find are scared, especially. I mean, if you live at home, it's. You're obviously probably not going to want to order a toy or something to your home address in case your parents open it. But a lot of people are just in general, I think, scared to order toys, sex toys, anything.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I mean, or walk into the store. Yeah. I think, first of all, you can do hard things. You can do it. But. But I think, like, now the, like, sexual wellness space, like, they sell it at Indigo, they sell it at Sephora. I mean, validating that, like, of course it's going to be uncomfortable. It's a new experience. You're walking into a new place. You have probably no idea what to expect, expect. There's like, uncertainty. But I mean, if it's going. Going to enhance your, like, sexual pleasure, then ground your nervous system. Going with some friends.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. Go with the bike.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

With a buddy. It's like when you have to buy like, a pregnancy test or something and you're like, oh, normally I Uber eats that. I don't think you can Uber eats as extra. But if that's the case, going with a buddy, that's what I would do.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Just be like, you know what? Let's. But like, online now, they're so discreet. So there's so many great places that have so much variety and that come in this free packaging.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. I don't Yeah, I don't think they, like, put a lot of, like, heavy labels on it and everyone has sex.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Like, it's crazy. And it's. Yes, I understand because I've never bought, like, a sex toy in store without my boyfriend, like, when I had one. But it. I understand how it could. Could be, like, not embarrassing, but, like, feel weird because, like, they know that you're buying this for sex. But at the same time, if you can work at a cashier place that they sell sex toys, they're doing the same thing that you're doing for sure. So it's not. Can we just normalize?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, like, that's totally.

[Tall Blonde Host]

We're all doing it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

And I feel like there are sex, like, shops are popping up everywhere.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So, like, oh, my God, they're in every corner.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Go explore.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. Do whatever you want and just be like, oh, I was just taking a look. Who cares? Don't tell them. Throw it in your pocket. You don't need to show anyone what you got. I'm going to do a haul. Don't go on the street. Why am I so much hornier than my girlfriend?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Another really great question.

[Tall Blonde Host]

That happens a lot.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

No, it does. I think 30 to 40% of women have a lower sex drive than their partner.

[Tall Blonde Host]

That's not that much like, I would have thought it would have been 50 or more.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

It can also look different in terms of, again, the accelerator brake system. Men could have, like, a higher accelerator, right? They could. So it doesn't break as quick. Yeah, so it doesn't break as quick. Or they're really sensitive, like, accelerator rise. Like, something could make them horny, like, based on a small thing. So, like, they always feel like the accelerator is being hit. But also, I want to talk about, like, spontaneous and responsive desire, because men are more likely to have spontaneous desire. So what this means is think of, like, they randomly, like a lightning bolt hit them and they're like, I'm horny.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay. Like, the desire is there.

[Tall Blonde Host]

You don't have to see anything.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. It's like watching the thing. The desire arises spontaneously, essentially, but which is a healthy way to have desire when. So it happens in anticipation. Like, okay, they're excited about xyz. Right. Women can also have this as a healthy way to feel, like, experience desire. But there's also responsive desire, which happens more so for women. And what that means is desire is happening in response to stimuli. Right. So they're not like, spontaneously, like, okay, I want to have sex right now. But they're more so responding to like emotional closeness or skin to skin contact or stimulation or. Yeah, like that some things like you need something to like get that desire moving. Exactly.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Okay. And that's more so for women.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

More so for women.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Okay. That makes a lot of sense. I feel like now we're moving into. Many people have a hard time finishing and this was a big one. We got a lot of these questions. So I just kind of bulked them into like. Because I feel like a lot of them were around the same questions. Self exploration and orgasms. A lot of girls were writing in, but some men too. A girl wrote in because I remember this one, why can't I come or orgasm during sex? And she said with my sneaky link. But like let's just put it as. Because other people kind of ask this question. Yeah, why can't I come orgasm during sex with my partner or with a person?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Well, I. This is really normal. And again it could be because like maybe you're. Maybe the brakes are being hit in some kind of way. Right. Maybe something. Maybe it's like something self talk. Maybe like there's an awareness there. So acknowledging that orgasm is biopsychosocial. Right. So like what's going on for you relationally to this person in your head. What's going on in your head and like are you feeling pleasure in your body and you know, kind of the route that moves you to orgasm solo. Yeah. So you can like communicate and relay this to a partner as well and.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Do actions to like that were in favor for you to get there. I mean like I feel like a lot too, especially for me is like mentally like you have to be mentally there and mentally in tune and focusing on it and not distracted and thinking about other things.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

To even be able to get there.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. Yeah. And orgasm isn't everything like in, in the sex. So it's like it's very common, like not orgasm again, focusing on like that pleasure and connection. But I think if you're like wanting to orgasm within the interaction, like definitely do solo work there to understand like how that works for you and also just how your mind kind of gets there too. And then like implement that with what turns you on.

[Tall Blonde Host]

What do you like, what is it that you know.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Could bring in? What did you say? The accelerator.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Accelerate.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So there was somebody else that's said because since we're talking about self. Self exploration, someone said tips and tricks for self for self exploration while protecting your peace from shitty men. Which is beautifully said.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Like robs to you with self exploration. So tips and tricks. I'm like curious about this question. How are you interpreting this question?

[Tall Blonde Host]

So I was interpreting it. I mean tips and tricks for self exploration.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So like, like tips like how to yourself. Okay. Okay.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Also, why is it so okay or like not okay? But why is it so normal for men to talk about masturbating and girls, it's like less socially Okay.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think like sex is really political in that way. Like women are told not to.

[Tall Blonde Host]

They can't.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. Like their bodies were policed, you know, and like what type of sex they should, shouldn't have. And like what was appropriate and not appropriate stem. So.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah, but we're getting there.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, okay.

[Tall Blonde Host]

We're getting there.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay. Okay.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Two females.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

But for self explanation, I think bringing toys in, like I think that is important. I think doing it mindfully too. Like really connecting not just to the vulva but like to different areas on your body and yeah, like setting the scene nicely. Like just take getting candles. Like really, really connecting to yourself.

[Tall Blonde Host]

What makes you comfortable too? Yeah, just like what pleasures you. Because I know you said before, being comfortable is a big part of being able to get there. So is that it too? Yeah, put yourself in a spot that you feel comfortable.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, put yourself in a spot that you feel comfortable. Understand what that is to get curious on. Like what makes me feel comfortable. Yeah, get curious about like what type of touch you like, what type of pressure you like, what type of toys you like, what type of pacing you like. Like all of it. And a good resource for this is Come as you are by Emily Nagowski. It's a book, but it talks about it like guides you through. Yeah, it's so good. It's such a good book. But it's like such a good resource to look at like self exploration and really understand like female sexual response. And it's like information that's not talked about or out there. So like.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Oh really?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

It's like such a digestible, like fun book too that it's like you can dive into.

[Tall Blonde Host]

There's a lot of like pleasure books out now too. I feel like especially that women are reading.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Thank God.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Which is great. Yeah. Because I mean if we can't, if it's not normal for us to talk about all the time, then might as well read it. I don't read audible.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, audible, whatever.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. Okay. If you've never been able to finish in your life solo or not.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I'm in my 20s. What's my next steps? Is that kind of what we touched on and.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, Exploration, I think like self exploration is really good. And then I also want to bring in there's a lot of information out there on like pelvic floor, like either like tightness or weakness or like oh, I've.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I've seen tiktoks about that.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. So talk to maybe go to a sex therapist. Right. If you're like really curious about it or like a pelvic floor physiotherapist and really like understand like how you're breathing through orgasm or like how you're breathing in like self masturbation. Just like understand a little bit more about it.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I feel like in that case it's, it's probably the best idea is to go to sex therapy because you probably have ways in which or questions that you ask that put them into a different headspace to understand it differently.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, this one comes in really often about orgasm and like self exploration and pleasure.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I mean we got so many questions about it too. Like, and also sex therapy I don't think is that big of a thing. Like people don't, if they do it, they don't talk about it as much. So I kind of like that we're moving into the direction of being like no, like that easily could be solved with therapy.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, I love that. I love that too. It's such a good resource.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I go to therapy every Monday. Maybe I should, should switch a Monday, you know.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

As easy as that last one for orgasms. I only orgasm with a vibrator ideally would be able to without it. I need advice.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So like love vibrators.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Love that you're orgasming with vibrators without a vibrator. The reason why this is happening probably is because your body knows how to vibrate. How to vibrate, how to orgasm with a vibrator. So it's like creating it like holds this muscle memory and knowledge. Okay, so what you want to do is slowly integrate maybe your hands to this. Right. So maybe you want to put, take steps away from it, but don't get rid of it completely yet. Like do it slowly. Like maybe you are finishing with your hands but you're using the vibrator to get there. Or you are using the vibrator on like the lowest setting and like figuring out movements at work, but you don't want to. I mean you can take it away completely and like just work with your hands and like explore. But yeah, figure it out. But.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And in like if she wanted to incorporate it in the bedroom, I feel like that's an awful conversation too. How do you talk about that? Like, how would you. What would you say?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I mean, I think that it could be an awkward conversation, but it's an important conversation, Right. Because you want to have pleasure.

[Tall Blonde Host]

If she wants to, yeah. If she wants to orgasm with a vibrator and she wants to get into that, let's say, never been able to without it. So let's say she's in a relationship, or let's say she's talking to someone and hooking up with someone or having sex with someone.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

She could just say, we should bring it in. Let's. Let's experiment with it. Let's bring it in. How do you feel if I bring this in? This is important for me to, like, have pleasure. I come to orgasm with, like, clitoral stimulation. Like, this is.

[Tall Blonde Host]

How would you feel if I brought a vibrator in? Yeah, that's probably how I'd go about it. Okay. But, like, honestly, it's crazy, though, because even in my group chats and things that I've overheard or, like, on TV shows, they talk about how, you know, girls, it's harder to orgasm than men.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And I think it's just kind of like a known fact. So. Yeah, it really is. Like, figure it out on how maybe yourself and how you. What you like and what you don't like, and then even, like, easily incorporate it. And it is tough. So it's not like, don't blame yourself. You're in your 20s.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Oh, yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Like, you got here.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I don't know anyone else around me who, like, doesn't bring a vibrator into the bedroom because I need it. Like, it's like, it's important, you know? But I mean, if you don't want it, then if you're like, okay, no, I want it, you know?

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And there's no shame in that. Like, I think a lot of men would probably think it's hot if a girl brings that in.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. Well, pleasure's hot. Yeah, Right.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Exactly. So see how that goes. Keep us updated. Birth control. So this is a big. I'm on birth control. I think birth control really lowered my sex drive, and now I'm trying to find it again. Advice.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I mean, I think, like, during a hormone transition, be gentle with yourself. Like, just allow it to happen.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Especially if she's just starting.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Right, exactly. Like, let. I mean, talk to your doctor. Let it all. Let the transition happen. Be gentle with yourself. You know what? If you're not feeling accelerators, you're not feeling accelerators right now. If you want to Take steps back to increase your libido then. So sex drive, like, there's this common misconception that sex is just like a natural drive within people, but it's not. It comes. It changes over, like, different contexts. And it's essentially like a motivation system. So an incentivized motivation system. So what that means is you, like, don't need sex to survive. Right. But you sometimes in your new relationship. Right. The motivation is connection and curiosity. So your sex drive is going to be a lot higher because the motivation is there. Right. When you have kids or like, there's a big life transition, your motivation is probably, let's keep this new baby alive. Right. So it's going to.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Priorities are shifting.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, priorities are shifting. So I think understanding why you want to reconnect to your body is just powerful in it. Like, how. Why is that so important? Do you want to feel connected to your partner? Do you want to feel connected to yourself in a sexual way? Like, understanding the motivation behind it and then prioritizing it. So like, just creating, like time and space for it. Gently and compassionate.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Making it a priority.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Uhhuh. Maybe even like journaling about, you know, what are you feeling about it then and why and what could stem from that. Or.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Seeing a sex therapist.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Seeing a sex therapist and talking about it too. The more you talk about it, the more you're gonna want to, like, you're gonna be curious about it. Increasing motivation or like, talk to your friends.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Like, I'm sure a lot of people, even around you, a lot of people are on birth control now.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So talk or have been on it, got off of it, whatever. So I've experienced probably a similar or completely not similar thing to you. It might even have just tips as to what they would do if they were in that situation.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Relationships and importance of the conversation of sex within the relationship. How important is telling your partner your fantasies?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

It's important in the context of it will improve it, like, oftentimes improves relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.

[Tall Blonde Host]

That's what I would have thought. Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So like, letting someone see your inner world and like, acceptance and vulnerability, like, that's really difficult to do sometimes, but, oh, for sure. It can be like, really powerful. It can make you feel really close to your partner and also honor just like you as a person. But if you want to talk about fantasies, talking about the conversation doesn't need to be this, like, here's my fantasy. This is what I want. It can, like, go slowly into it. Talk about the different things you're into maybe reference, like books or things that like, you, you know, you're curious about maybe.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah, and I like that you said that. It's not, it doesn't have to be like, okay, these are my fantasies bcd. Like, it doesn't have to be like schoolwork or clockwork. It can literally be like here and there or something happens and you're like, oh, that was so hot. Like, I love that. We should try that sometime. You know what I mean? Like, I like how you kind of put it in a sense of don't feel like you need to say everything right away. Give a little, see what comes back and go from there.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

No pressure. How soon in the talking stage is it appropriate to talk about sex and sexual things? This is probably different. Everyone.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, it's, it's. Yeah. No, like, no, there's no rule.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

For this. As soon as you're curious about it and it's consensual and then if.

[Tall Blonde Host]

See how they respond.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

I like to give a little and see how someone responds because then you're not stepping on any boundaries. You're not going too far and someone's like, whoa, you know, like it's, test the waters and see how it is.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Is it weird to use toys in the bedroom with my girlfriend? Well, we've tackled that. Absolutely not. Bring it for her. Go get a new thing for her. How do I talk to my partner about having our sex life without making it awkward? Word.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay. No, I don't doubt that. You gotta ask that again.

[Tall Blonde Host]

How do I talk to my partner about our sex life without making it awkward? So kind of, I think we've touched on a bit of this.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

But like, like talk about. You can talk about broad things. Like talk about the time where you had amazing sex. Right. Like bring in, bring sex into the conversation casually and then like take it from there. Like just sprinkle it in.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Not a we need to talk. Yeah, more of a I loved it when.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, I loved it when we had sex like this. You know, I've been craving, having, thinking about it. Yeah. Whatever it is, go slowly.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Last question on relationships. How can we keep the spark alive in a long term relationship? So let's say like five years.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So what that entails, like research shows, is you're going to have to have a strong friendship.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Right.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So like, you keep like a strong friendship. You're playful, you like trust each other. The communication is there. You're prioritizing it.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So you're creating space for it. And those priorities can shift but like you're always coming back to it and prioritizing it. And then you also are able to come into sex with your own individual scripts. Right. There's no like. Yeah, there's no like scripted idea of what sex should be. You're really talking about and understanding what sex means to you both individually and how to come together in it.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And I feel like it's important to obviously please your partner, but again like make sure that you're getting what you want out of it too. Like, I mean I just say a lot of women because that's just my friend groups and things. But I think a lot of the times women forget to prioritize their selves and their needs and just try to put on a full blown show.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

But some people get turned on in that way of just like pleasing other people and don't even need it for themselves.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

But yeah, I would say like if you're into like the performance, you're into the. That's kind of a kink. Like you know, but like focusing on pleasure too because pleasures, again, like pleasure will move you to desire and it's.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Different from for everybody.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And it's so normal to be different.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Totally.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And I think learning experience for everything.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

One questioning about parenting that someone wrote in advice for parents of young kids and to re approach their sex life after neglecting it, which I didn't really get that question. Did you understand that?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Well, I think with.

[Tall Blonde Host]

After neglecting it, what does that mean?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Like maybe they like haven't prioritized it. It within the relationship.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Oh, like you haven't talked about it with their children?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah, no, no, not with their children. I think what I'm reading is they haven't like they've neglected their sex life. Like between them. They have some.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Absolutely.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah. Okay.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

I think what is important in this is to like slowly reintroduce like the prioritization of sex. Right. And maybe you're not prioritizing sex, maybe you're prioritizing intimacy. Maybe you're prioritized to take the pressure off of like sex itself. Like maybe you're prioritizing. Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Give an example.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. We are in bed. Right. You're setting up the accelerators. We're in bed. Child. Children are asleep. And we are just like connecting. We're just like chatting. We are touching, we are kissing. Like it's just like an intimate time where it could like open the door to sex. Yeah. But it's. You don't need to like we're having sex tonight. You Know, but scheduled sex is actually really, really helpful. Really?

[Tall Blonde Host]

I feel like. Yeah, I wouldn't want to do it if I'm like, oh, clock, hit seven, let's go. No, like, I feel like I wouldn't be down for that.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

But I. I think there's, like, an idea that it takes away spontaneity. But there's, like, when you're first dating, right. You're, like, taking a full body shower. Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

You're doing it.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

You're, like, cleaning your, like, room. You're like, whatever it is. So it's not truly spontaneous. Right. Like, you're kind of planning.

[Tall Blonde Host]

True.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Yeah, I guess. And then you can still do those things if, you know it's seven. I guess it's just, like, you have to be comfortable with doing it your way. Whether it is okay at this time, I'm gonna surprise him or we're gonna pretend, or, like, maybe you can even say, okay, you're in charge of this one, or whatever it may be. Like, that's kind of fun too.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. You have to reconnect to, like, the things that really made you feel, like, empowered and connected originally, because those are your accelerators. Those are the things that, like, pull you towards it.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And we all have different accelerators.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

And you just got to figure it out through communication. Time slowliness.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So do you have any other questions for me or something that, you know, a lot of people come into session and ask you about that we didn't touch on for anything that came up for you that you're like, oh, wait, people are probably gonna want to know this.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Ah, no, I feel like, yeah, we.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Did hit a lot. And in a session. Take me through kind of like the. Like, how long is a session? Is it, like, one topic you're covering per session? Do people normally, like, okay, I want to do it every week, Every other week, bi weekly. What is it? What's it normally like? So are people considering it?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Individual couples therapy and sex therapy. A lot of people who do sex therapy also just do individual therapy. So, I mean, if you're looking for both individual therapy and sex therapy, you can do that, and then you can kind of teeter.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Right.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Okay. This is, like, an individual thing I want to focus on. Here's like, a sex therapy thing I want to focus on. Sessions are usually 50 minutes.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Okay.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah. And a lot of sex therapy is, like, prompting questions to maybe look at, like, historically, what's, like, worked for you, what hasn't?

[Tall Blonde Host]

And then, like, your past.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Exactly. And, like, connection to self, how to ground. And then also just a lot of psycho education that's just not out there. Right. It's just not talked about.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Not talked about or uncomfortable to talk about? What people think is uncomfortable to talk about?

[Ashlyn Marie James]

Yeah.

[Tall Blonde Host]

Great. Well, that was fun. We answered so many questions. There's so many more that we could have answered, but we might need a vertu. So if you guys enjoyed it, let me know. Where can they find you? If they're looking for for booking an appointment to see more about you, give them a little spiel as to where they can find you.

[Ashlyn Marie James]

So I work virtually in Ontario. I have a private practice. It's called Mindful Pleasures Therapy. And I have a wonderful team of women who work around me providing individual therapy, sex therapy, couples therapy. I also own a wellness clinic, a virtual wellness clinic that focuses on women's health, particularly with, like, naturopath and nutritionists and, you know, different things. Kind of a holistic mind, body, soul thing.

[Tall Blonde Host]

So show her some love. Book your appointments. Make this conversation not weird, uncomfortable. Open it up and be patient with yourselves. I love you guys. And show some love to her. Tell me if you want me to have her back on again or if you want a part 2. If you have more questions, email me. Like, subscribe and I will see you next Sunday. It.