Podcast Summary: Tall Blonde - "Sex Therapist Tells All: Men Going Soft, When Sex Hurts & Why She Hates Giving Head"

Introduction

In the May 1, 2025 episode of Tall Blonde, host Sarah Lauren engages in a candid and insightful conversation with Ashlyn Marie James, a Toronto-based psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy. Presented by MBHTV, the episode delves deep into the intricacies of modern relationships, sexual health, and the unspoken challenges individuals face in their intimate lives. The discussion is marked by unfiltered honesty, aiming to provide listeners with valuable lessons and guidance drawn from professional expertise.

Guests and Background

• Host: Sarah Lauren, known for her straightforward and relatable approach to conversations about dating, city life, and personal growth.
• Guest: Ashlyn Marie James, a registered psychotherapist with a specialization in sex therapy, bringing years of experience and a passion for fostering healthy sexual relationships.

Key Topics Discussed

1. Duration of Sexual Activity

   • Statistics & Insights: Ashlyn begins by addressing a common question: "How long should sex last?" She shares that, on average, penis-vagina penetration lasts five to seven minutes, not accounting for foreplay and aftercare [00:00]. Including these elements, the typical duration extends to about 20 to 25 minutes, though this varies widely among individuals [06:03].
   • Notable Quote: Ashlyn emphasizes flexibility in expectations, stating, “It could be hours” depending on various factors [06:03].

2. Communicating Sexual Preferences

   • Importance of Open Dialogue: The conversation highlights how essential it is for partners to discuss their likes and dislikes openly. Ashlyn advises approaching these discussions with curiosity rather than judgment [08:00].
   • Notable Quote: Sarah Lauren adds, “Don’t be angry... make it an open conversation” [08:11].

3. Erectile Dysfunction in Men

   • Prevalence & Causes: Ashlyn normalizes erectile dysfunction, noting that “1 in 4 men under the age of 40 have erectile dysfunction or have experienced it at least once” [30:13]. She explores various causes, including stress and performance anxiety.
   • Supporting Partners: Emphasis is placed on understanding and supporting male partners through such challenges without assigning blame [32:05].

4. Cheating and Trust in Relationships

   • Complexity of Infidelity: Addressing betrayal, Ashlyn discusses scenarios like discovering a partner messaging someone else while expecting a child [12:42]. She underscores that infidelity often reflects more about the perpetrator than the betrayed [15:37].
   • Notable Quote: “Once a cheater, always a cheater? No,” Ashlyn clarifies, highlighting the importance of accountability and personal growth post-infidelity [15:55].

5. Love vs. Lust

   • Hormonal Differences: Ashlyn distinguishes between love and lust by explaining the different hormones involved. Lust is driven by hormones like testosterone and dopamine, creating an urgent and obsessive desire [20:11]. In contrast, love involves oxytocin, fostering a sense of home and deep connection [21:02].
   • Coexistence: She confirms that love and lust can coexist, enriching a relationship by blending passion with deep emotional bonds [21:16].

6. Performance Anxiety and Self-Exploration

   • Overcoming Anxiety: The discussion covers methods to handle performance anxiety, such as focusing on pleasure rather than performance and employing mindfulness techniques [24:11].
   • Resources: Ashlyn recommends Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are as a valuable resource for understanding female sexual responses and enhancing self-exploration [43:22].

7. Use of Sex Toys and Normalizing Sexual Aids

   • Enhancing Pleasure: Ashlyn advocates for the use of sex toys as tools for enhancing sexual intimacy and exploring mutual preferences [26:29]. She encourages the integration of these aids into relationships to accommodate differing sexual needs and preferences.
   • Notable Quote: “We love consent and mutual... there are different ways to work around this” Ashlyn emphasizes the importance of respecting boundaries while exploring sexual creativity [27:59].

8. Sex Drive and Birth Control

   • Impact of Hormonal Changes: Ashlyn discusses how birth control can affect sex drive, advising patience and self-compassion during hormonal transitions [48:11]. She suggests speaking with healthcare providers and exploring personal motivations for reconnecting with one's sexuality [49:20].
   • Notable Quote: “Sex drive is an incentivized motivation system... it changes based on different contexts” Ashlyn explains [48:17].

9. Maintaining Sexual Spark in Long-Term Relationships

   • Strong Foundations: To keep the sexual spark alive in long-term relationships, Ashlyn highlights the need for a strong friendship, trust, and ongoing communication [53:15].
   • Scheduled Intimacy: Contrary to popular belief, she suggests that scheduled intimacy can actually enhance spontaneity by ensuring regular connection and prioritization of sexual needs [56:05].
   • Notable Quote: “Creating space for it and continuously prioritizing it is key” Ashlyn advises [53:23].

Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Ashlyn Marie James imparts several key insights:

• Communication is Crucial: Open and compassionate dialogue about sexual preferences and challenges significantly enhances relationship satisfaction.
• Normalize Sexual Health Issues: Understanding and accepting issues like erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety as common can alleviate unnecessary blame and stigma.
• Embrace Sexual Diversity: Recognizing and respecting different sexual needs and preferences fosters a healthier and more fulfilling sex life.
• Seek Professional Help: Consulting sex therapists can provide tailored solutions and support for complex sexual issues, promoting overall well-being.

Notable Quotes

• Ashlyn Marie James [30:13]: “1 in 4 men under the age of 40 have erectile dysfunction or have experienced it at least once.”
• Ashlyn Marie James [15:55]: “Once a cheater, always a cheater? No.”
• Ashlyn Marie James [20:11]: “Lust involves hormones like testosterone and dopamine... love involves bonding hormones like oxytocin.”
• Ashlyn Marie James [43:22]: “Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great resource.”

Conclusion

The Tall Blonde episode featuring Ashlyn Marie James offers a comprehensive exploration of contemporary sexual issues, underscored by professional insights and practical advice. By addressing common concerns and demystifying the complexities of sexual relationships, Sarah Lauren ensures that listeners are equipped with the knowledge to navigate their intimate lives with confidence and understanding.

Where to Find Ashlyn Marie James

For those seeking professional support, Ashlyn Marie James operates virtually in Ontario through her private practice, Mindful Pleasures Therapy. She offers a range of services including individual therapy, sex therapy, and couples therapy. Additionally, Ashlyn owns a virtual wellness clinic that focuses on women's health, integrating naturopathy and nutrition to promote a holistic approach to mind, body, and soul wellness.

To book an appointment or learn more about Ashlyn’s services, visit Mindful Pleasures Therapy.